Bar Humor

[gs joe 1,776]

How working life looks after coming out of lockdown 

 

 

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A ringmaster runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The ringmaster tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

Blondie says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, then sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The ringmasters jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?" The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."

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A math professor, John is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

 

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

 

John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,

"Switch the limits on the integral!"

[gs joe 1,776]

[gs joe 1,776]

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A guy goes to a sex therapist and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The therapist advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You see, doctor" begins the wife, "for the past seven months, I am forced to take a cab to work. Since I don't have enough money to pay for the fare, when the cab driver asks 'So, are you gonna pay or what?' I am forced to choose the 'or what?' As a result, I come in late to work. When the boss asks me 'Shall I deduct the missed time from your paycheck or what?' once again I choose 'or what?' At the end of the day, I take the cab home and it's the same story with the driver, and again, I choose 'or what?' So tell me doctor, how am I supposed to fuck my husband after all of this?

The therapist thinks for a moment and then says. "Hmm, interesting case indeed. So, shall I tell your husband everything you told me just now, or what?"

[BigusDicus 9,878]

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One day 3 women went for a job interview ... the man interviewing them posed all three the same question. What would you do if you found an extra $100 in on your paycheck that you shouldn’t have received?

The first one said, “I’d give it back as it wasn’t mine and I wasn’t entitled to it.”

When he asked the second one she replied, “I’d give it to Charity.”

When he asked the third one, she was more honest and she said, “I’d keep it for myself and go out for a drink.”

Which one of the three women got the job? The one with the biggest tits.

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A young women goes to the hospital to have her baby. No husband or boyfriend is present. The woman has her baby and then the nurse comes in and says I must warn you that your baby is black.

The new mom says "Well I was in desperate need for money and there was a porno and the guy was black." The nurse quickly apologizes and says it was none of her business. Mom didn't seem to mind. The nurse says just so you know the baby has slanted eyes. Mom says "They told me for more money that there was a chinese guy too and I needed the money."

The nurse brings Mom her sprog and as she turns the baby over and slaps its bottom so hard it started to cry. The nurse yelled "What the hell are you doing?"

Mom looks the nurse square in the eyes and says "I wanted to make sure it didn't bark too."

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[gs joe 1,776]

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[BigusDicus 9,878]

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Edited September 17, 2020 by BigusDicus

[VPI78 11,509]

[gs joe 1,776]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

My brother in elementary school took banjo lessons lol.

[BigusDicus 9,878]

2 hours ago, midlifecrisis said:

My brother in elementary school took banjo lessons lol.

Is your brother named Steve?

[midlifecrisis 4,048]

1 hour ago, BigusDicus said:

Is your brother named Steve?

Good one!

The brother with that first name is stoned outside of Denver. Plays a decent harmonica though. The other one lasted only a few months with banjo lessons. I lasted an even shorter time with the clarinet.

[gs joe 1,776]

[teelack 9,640]

Good start to the day!

Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk

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[VPI78 11,509]

[BigusDicus 9,878]

Thought for Today

 

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A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."