Monkeywatch - May 2022

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the dawn of a bright new tomorrow (or some shit like that.)

Yes, it’s finally happened! After more than two years, bars and clubs will be able to reopen on June 1 without having to pretend to be restaurants (didn’t pretend very well, did they?) Still quite a few strings attached at the moment, but one step at time eh? There’ll be dancing, singing, and before you know it you’ll be able to sit next to a girl (and if you wear a mask, you might even be able to talk to her.) Oh, the sweet taste of freedom!

Thai men have been getting all hot under the collar following a claim by a British online pharmacy that they have the seventh smallest penises in the world. Must be tough on them dropping out of the top five for the first time – and finishing six places behind the Japanese.

TAT is having yet another go at attracting “quality tourists” to Thailand, this time using something called “soft power”, defined as “shaping the preferences of others through appeal and attraction.” Their particular take on this involves promoting irresistible favourites such as mango sticky rice and Thai television programmes. Quality tourists will no doubt flock to Thailand in their millions in the face of that level of temptation.

Police are trying to trace the owner of this novelty sex toy that washed up on Pattaya Beach recently. A police spokesman said “It shouldn’t be difficult. We haven’t seen one this size since Marilyn a Go Go shut down”…

 

A local fishing contest was held recently in which it was stressed that quantity was more important than size. They must have got the idea from Chinese tour companies.

With elections in Pattaya looming large, mayoral candidates have been trawling the streets for potential voters and have been holding meetings with groups of joggers and drinkers. No prizes for guessing which were better attended.

It looks like the 300 baht so-called tourist tax has been kicked into the long grass for the time being. It was believed that some of the tax would be used for tourist insurance, though it now transpires that you’ll only be able to claim if you’re run over, beaten up, blown to buggery by a terrorist bomb or pushed from the balcony of a high rise building. Come to think of it, they might well end up being inundated with claims. Of course, there have been loads of complaints about this exorbitant tax, with certain quality ethnic groups claiming it will wipe out their spending money for the entire trip.

Chinese visitors are respectfully reminded that this building is not a public toilet…

 

Bar news now, and not a great deal more to add to what’s already been said. Still midnight closing for now, but there may be further changes at the beginning of July and also August, which might see things return to something like pre-Covid status. Except it won’t, because new arrivals will now be screened for monkeypox. Rinse and repeat.  

The Pattaya Baht Bus cooperative held a meeting recently at which it warned its drivers against rudeness and swindling passengers. Has this organisation no respect for tradition?

Rewind time now as we look back at the goings-on of 10 years ago with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in May 2012…

“A strange tale emerged a few weeks ago of a Thai man who committed suicide after becoming depressed because his previous suicide attempt had failed. Lucky the second attempt was successful or he’d have been really pissed off.

A Thai lad shot three people, including a farang, on Soi 8 during Songkran after somebody upset him a bit. This’ll take some explaining away by the Tourist Authority. Family friendly resort my big spotty arse. 

Local residents have been complaining about a large hole that has appeared in South Pattaya Road and is apparently still increasing in size and depth. They say it’s about time that officials got to the bottom of it, at which point the locals will presumably fill it in themselves.”

Not sure the world’s ready for a motorized sandbag…

 

In the last three weeks no less than five Indian tourists, all residing in 200 baht per night flop houses, have claimed to have been robbed of unfeasibly expensive pieces of jewellery by Beach Road hookers. Yes, things really do seem to be returning to normal.

A bar girl suffered a head injury after falling off the back of a speeding motorbike while pissed as a rat. She was rushed to hospital where she underwent tests and a doctor in attendance said she now had the IQ of a parsnip. Well at least there wasn’t any brain damage then.

Thailand is to introduce a new health and safety law in September saying that all children aged six years or younger can only travel in cars that are fitted with an officially approved child car seat. They’ll still be able to sit on the handlebars of a motorbike though.

Finally, it’s been reported that tides of trash have returned to Pattaya beaches. Funny, thought they were all back in lockdown.

be seeing you

monkeypox 

 

[Bushcraft 2,579]

Haha nice one thanks. Strangely enough, I've never seen an Indian with a 3-baht gold necklace in Patts before, and now there seems to be a rash of them getting robbed. No doubt they took the precaution of insuring the bling before coming here, and being able to present a police theft complaint should make the scam perfect. Methinks Indian insurers are not so easily fooled ..  

[monkeyman 1,604]

8 hours ago, Bushcraft said:

Haha nice one thanks. Strangely enough, I've never seen an Indian with a 3-baht gold necklace in Patts before, and now there seems to be a rash of them getting robbed. No doubt they took the precaution of insuring the bling before coming here, and being able to present a police theft complaint should make the scam perfect. Methinks Indian insurers are not so easily fooled ..  

It's amazing that all the thefts were gold necklaces and all were allegedly worth 50,000 baht. An uncharitable mind might be tempted to think that someone's been churning out copies of a completed insurance claim form.  

[jacko 8,814]

On 5/25/2022 at 10:58 PM, monkeyman said:

Bar news now, and not a great deal more to add to what’s already been said. Still midnight closing for now,

I thought that, but was told a popular place on LK was open until 2am! Mind you, at their prices you would be lucky not to run out of money before then. 

[forcebwithu 4,853]

1 hour ago, jacko said:

I thought that, but was told a popular place on LK was open until 2am! Mind you, at their prices you would be lucky not to run out of money before then. 

A post on another forum said the place on Soi Pothole with the gold plated urinals is now open to 2am too.

[monkeyman 1,604]

Yes, I should've said "Still officially midnight closing for now."