Monkeywatch 200 - December 2022

monkeyman · December 28, 2022

Season’s greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying a visit, and welcome to this, our 200^th edition, full of Christmas magic and festive fun. Well no, not really.

The Thai PM has advised organisers of New Year events to do so taking “maximum precautions.” Against what, exactly?

Following the devastating news that China is to ease its travel restrictions in January, we can no doubt expect to see hordes of diminutive Covid-infested yellow pests swarming all over Pattaya in the near future. Reckon most people would prefer a swarm of locusts – though the effect would be much the same in either case.

In an attempt to crack down on overstayers, police are now employing several new techniques including facial recognition technology. Can’t imagine they’ll have much luck with that. After all, we all look the same to them, don’t we? Immigration officers have also been going round bars asking customers to produce their passports. This could be the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it, they’ll be wanting you to produce a blood sample, a retinal scan and a sample of your DNA. Beware, Big Buddha is watching you.

Yet more reports are coming in of Indian tourists being taken in by “ladies” on Beach Road. When are these silly brown buggers going to learn that such late night shenanigans are unlikely to leave them with anything but an empty wallet and a sore arse?

Very nice of them to provide their patrons with this. Wonder if they supply the cigarette papers as well?..

The boys in brown were out in force on Walking Street a couple of weeks ago doing safety checks in preparation for the Christmas and New Year celebrations. They instructed bar staff to “not abuse customers or take advantage of them”, though this was met with dismay by bar owners who said the huge amount of staff retraining this would require couldn’t possibly be completed by Christmas.

A Belgian tourist turned up at Pattaya police station recently and begged officers to cut a ring off his finger as the offending digit had swollen up and was cutting off his circulation. The ring was duly sawn off and he went on his merry way, though one thinks it might’ve been quicker if he’d taken a walk up Beach Road in the early hours, where said item would have no doubt disappeared in double quick time with the aid of a little Vaseline, of which we believe the night time inhabitants have an abundant supply for one reason or another.

A Brit bloke ended up in hospital after being hit by a truck while crossing the road at Jomtien Beach. Apparently, he tried to cross the road by going to a pedestrian crossing and waiting for the green light to indicate it was safe to cross before stepping onto the crossing. In Pattaya, this is of course the last thing you should do. Someone should’ve told him you never cross a road in Pattaya whatever the colour the lights are unless you’ve looked left, right, up and down three times first (‘up’ of course has the added benefit of alerting one to plummeting balcony jumpers.)

If you live in Pattaya and want a metal phallus erected on your roof, just give these guys a call…

Bar news now, and some of the gaps on Walking Street are slowly being filled. We’ve already had Iron Club reopening recently, and it’s been joined by a new place called XS A Go Go in the spot once occupied by Alcatraz. It’s owned by the same people as Pin Up so it could be worth a look – unless you don’t like Pin Up of course. And over on LK Metro there’s another new place opening called Mamasan Club. Yes, it’s all go (go) lately.

Some coconut farmers are apparently being issued with ‘monkey-free’ certificates to verify that their harvests are, well, ‘monkey-free’ one supposes. Presumably, those farmers who don’t have the certificates will have to label their coconuts “Warning – may contain bits of monkey”.

The Ghost of Christmas Past revisits us now with a brace of turkeys from Monkeywatch in December 2012…

“A Brit tourist drowned last week while he and his chums were fleeing from security guards following an altercation in an all-night discotheque. “We are treating this as a very serious incident”, said a police spokesman, “that discotheque should have been closed by 3am.”

Police were called to Beach Road the other night after a car smashed into the front of a tailors shop. The shop owner, who was erecting a new window display at the time, was unhurt but said he would be suing the woman driver for the damage to his shop front and for bending his dickey.”

Last year, in a fit of virtue signalling, Pattaya City Hall approached Toyota to supply a fleet of new electric vehicles including baht buses, hotel courtesy cars and airport shuttle coaches. All they eventually received was two of these...

An Indian man reported to Pattaya police last week that he’d been accosted by two ladyboys on Beach Road who stole his… blah blah blah, whatever, who gives a shit anymore?

A Ruskie chap was electrocuted outside Pattaya Technical College last week when he leaned against a lamp post. Another example of Thai workmanship at its finest. City Hall said this this sort of thing sends out the wrong message about Pattaya as a holiday resort, the message presumably being “Don’t come here unless you want to go home in a wooden box.”

Finally, the story of the month has to be the bloke who had 100,000 baht nicked from his room by a girl he met on a dating site because he didn’t want to pay for sex. Karma or what?

A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all.

be seeing you

monkeyman

:chogdee :party