Monkeywatch - February 2023

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once again, and welcome to another cavity search into the goings-on in the city of titters.

Walking Street clubs and bars have been warned that perpendicular erections are set to be banned from the front of their premises. Shouldn’t be a problem, as in our experience such activities usually take place in the back (or in the case of Katoeys R Us, in the rear.)

The Thai health ministry have announced that individuals found in possession of certain drugs will in future incur stiffer penalties. Presumably if one of the drugs is Viagra, the penalty will be even stiffer.

Pattaya Bridge Club has apparently found itself a new home in a place called Meat Stuff Pattaya. Certainly better than in 2016, when the club was in danger of being relocated to the Bangkok Hilton after they were convicted of the heinous crime of owning too many decks of playing cards. Bloody disgraceful. Hanging’s too good for them.

Police are investigating reports that two witches have crash landed on Beach Road…

A Thai tour company has been fined 500,000 baht after a member of their staff gave a Chinese tourist a good kicking and stuck a knife up his left nostril. This was apparently because the man had demanded a refund for a trip he missed as the company had failed to collect him from the arranged meeting point. However, the situation was resolved after a group of local residents presented the police with a cheque for 500,000 baht, which was pinned to a petition demanding the man be immediately deported and banned from the Kingdom for the rest of his life. We do like a happy ending.

Police were called the other week after a Chinese tourist plummeted 27 floors from a Pattaya condo. The incident went unnoticed for quite a while as passers-by assumed that they were looking at some new Walking Street style pavement art.

There’s been reports recently of tourists in Pattaya being bombarded with ping pong bombs. Just an occupational hazard if you walk past the door of a Go Go bar during show time.

“You don’t see many of those about, do you?”

Bar news now, and the word is that there’s going to be a new beer bar complex on the old Made In Thailand site. And why not? And Ricky’s new bar Lips Lounge is now open on Soi Honey.

Are the toilet jockeys now in league with the shoeshine boys? They seem to have started pummelling customers on the back before they’ve even finished taking a leak so they need the services of the shoe shine boys situated conveniently outside to clean the piss off their shoes. Slippery as greasy weasels, the lot of them.

Time for a re-wind up now with a look over the shoulder at a pair of prosaic pieces from Monkeywatch in February 2013…

“It’s been a pretty standard sort of month in Pattaya really. A Pole was pulverised by a propeller (on a speedboat), a Russian was recycled into a rack of ribs (by a motorbike), and a Dane was demolished by a drop (23 floors from a condo block.) Add to that the usual spate of shootings, stabbings and muggings and it’s just been business as usual. Still, it’s a great place to bring the family – if you want to go home single.

City officials have renewed their pledge to upgrade facilities at the Pattaya Youth Sports Center after calling it “a dilapidated embarrassment”, an expression they learned from reading a review of a concert by Cliff Richard. Cliff of course swore he’d never play in Thailand again after an incident on stage in Bangkok a few years ago when he was struck in the left ear by an individual pork pie during the second chorus of “Devil Woman.”

If you don’t think bar girls are getting fatter, try offering one a lift home…

Baht bus drivers in Pattaya have been reminded yet again that they need to be more respectful to their passengers. They’ve been told that they mustn’t cheat, overcharge or swear at their passengers. Additionally, they shouldn’t drive whilst drunk or chuck passengers off their buses in mid journey. A spokesman for the drivers replied “This is just typical. The people making these rules clearly have absolutely no respect for tradition.” The drivers eventually reluctantly agreed to stop doing these things, though one of them did ask “Would it be okay if we only did them to the Chinese?” Sounds like a reasonable compromise.

Pattaya has come up with a solution to the epidemic of illegal rubbish tipping in the city – they’re putting up signs saying “no littering.” Brilliant. All they have to do now is put up a few more signs like “no drugs”, “no prostitution” and “no gambling” and they can dispense with the police force completely.

Finally, air pollution in parts of Thailand has now been officially designated as “unhealthy.” The news was celebrated by officials who said this was a substantial improvement on the previous designation of “lethal.” Ah well, every little bit helps.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jacko 8,814]

5 hours ago, monkeyman said:

Baht bus drivers in Pattaya have been reminded yet again that they need to be more respectful to their passengers.

Thanks again for your write up........much fun. 

It took me back a long way for some obscure reason to many many years ago when I was coming off the beach in Jomtien .. there was an elderly farang lady, struggling with the heat, arguing with a songtaew driver. Her accent was definitely close to my origins and I interjected, worried she may trigger a volatile reaction. Got the story that she had been on a day trip, the songtaew had been rented to take passengers back to their hotels from the minibus. Poor old lady had not been paying attention and not got off at her hotel and sat there until it was just her and the driver at the last place on his list. Now he wanted 200 baht to take her back to her hotel ...it was her fault in his mind, his fault in hers! Her hotel was up some hill and a little ways off, Cosy Beach IIRC.... and as stated, she was not doing well in the heat. I decided there and then that all this 'respect for the elderly', and good nature of Thais, did not extend to songtaew drivers! Old dear was game enough to get on the back of my motorcycle.... and as stated, came from where I did, so could get the juice from a penny!

Edited February 27, 2023 by jacko

[sailingbill 1,031]

Good story Jacko and well on you to intervene.  Monkeywatch is always a favorite and appreciated. Sandcastles at the beach.Grew up near the ocean and as a kid a built many short living empires.   Jacko i had a similar experience with an acquaintance from home. He is in a heated argument with the 5 baht toilet guy because he only had a large bill at and least the toilet guy told him he didn't have change rather than grabbing the money.  The ugly American didnt understand why the fellow didnt just take the loss, it's only 5 baht.  I intervened with an apology in Thai and a 100 baht to the Thai. The American was lucky he didn't get his ass kicked as while the toilet guy was old the M/C guys observing were not. The US fellow scoffed at my explanation and i avoided him thereafter.

[jacko 8,814]

5 hours ago, sailingbill said:

Good story Jacko

Yours too..... visitors don't grasp that Thais get real upset when people do not pay the agreed price, even small amounts, and the reactions are often volatile... like the guy who didn't believe a Thai was collecting parking fees of 20 baht, and refused, and got whacked over the head for it!

I had a house guest for a while and after several days I was already wanting him on his way. We were already on separate tabs when we went out as he was rather cheap, didn't like to buy LDs etc.  At one GGB we ordered and the poor girl got confused and brought 2 bottles, when he had ordered a draft... the bottle probably 70-80 baht more expensive. He flatly refused to accept it and I told him she likely would have to pay for it, his response was 'I am not paying for her stupidity'...... I took the 2 bottles and 2 tabs and told her to bring one draft...... funny really, when we were pals years prior, I was the tight one!

Edited February 27, 2023 by jacko

[sailingbill 1,031]

Your still the tight one, just not an jerk. Best to part company early with these fellows.