Monkeywatch - February 2026

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this year’s St. Valentine’s Day massacre, where love is in the air (apparently.)  

Well, the New Year has arrived in Pattaya and brought with it new heights of stinking piggery. The malodorous little buggers have been setting up camp sites on the beach and hordes of them have been sleeping there overnight. They complied with officials when they were told to remove their tents but seemed to be somewhat miffed when they found out that they weren’t being moved into four star hotels. Looks like they’ll be heading back to Calais then.

It’s been commented that men in Pattaya who wear shorts and no shirts send out the wrong message if they’re trying to impress the ladies. On the other hand, girls who wear no shirts and no shorts are most definitely sending out the right message. As one girl said “Are those elephant pants or are you just pleased to see me?” No idea why she said that.

The Pattaya Riviera Group (no, we don’t know either) recently held their 2026 staff party with a theme of “Under the Sea”. Wonder if they got the idea from the Koh Larn Ferry?

Can you spot the Chinese tourist on the red and white mat? Not easy is it?..

 

It’s been reported that a foreign tourist has been found pissed out of his mind outside a convenience store in Jomtien. Well how about that. In other breaking news, a number of grains of sand have been found on the beach. Unbelievable.

Scientists have confirmed that bat droppings found in Pattaya pose no health risk to the public. Suppose it might send them bat shit crazy.

A man was rushed to a Pattaya hospital after deciding it was would be a good idea to insert a metal ring into his dick. Medics managed to remove the offending ring, though it left the man with severe swelling so maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

The reduction in numbers of Chinese tourists to Pattaya has led to travel companies slightly downsizing their tour buses…

 

Bar news time, and Milk A Go Go is now officially up for sale. Any takers? Elsewhere, Abyss A Go Go is opening on Walking Street and Jisoo A Go Go on Soi 15 has closed, though not many people noticed that it’d opened in the first place.

Authorities say they are disappointed that so few visitors to Pattaya have followed their advice to download the POLICE CARE mobile app, which was introduced to help people avoid online scams. However, a survey revealed that people were reluctant to do so as they thought that the app itself was a scam. Sounds like we need another app to identify anti-scam scams.

Turn off your minds, relax and float downstream now with a gander at three tales of yore from Monkeywatch in February 2016…

“A Go Go dancer was injured last week after being attacked with a corkscrew by a fellow worker outside their bar. Hospital staff were a little confused when told that the injured lady had been screwed half to death, assuming this to be an occupational hazard in her line of work.

Chinese tourists have been branded as a bunch of yobbos by their own government after a series of unsavoury incidents in various countries, not least the appalling racket in Suvarnabhumi Airport that was meant to be a collective rendition of their National Anthem but sounded more like a cat sliding down a blackboard. A warning has been issued that further repetitions of this kind of behaviour will result in the miscreants being banned from foreign travel. Wonder if any of the Ruskies fancy a sing song?

Following a tip off from ‘an informant’, over 50 police officers raided a senior citizens’ bridge club in South Pattaya, apparently because they thought some kind of gambling was going on. The raid came as something of a surprise to the assortment of British, Irish, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Danish, German, Canadian, Australian and New Zealander club members, as they’ve been holding meeting 3 times a week without let or hindrance since well before the end of the last century. Needless to say, the police found no evidence of gambling (because there wasn’t any) so in a desperate attempt to save face they used a little known 80 year old law forbidding anyone to own more than 120 playing cards as an excuse to arrest all 32 players and cart them off to the local nick, taking the cards and tournament records with them as evidence. The hapless geriatrics were held in custody and interrogated for 12 hours then forced to sign confessions that they’d been gambling (even though they hadn’t) before being released on bail – except for one lady who refused to sign and remained incarcerated. And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that one of the arrested players was a former Honorary British Consul. The president of Thailand’s bridge league had to get her arse over to Pattaya so she could explain to the police exactly how the game is played. What started out as a little local story found its way onto BBC TV News, then the British national press picked it up, and now it’s gone viral and spread across the entire planet’s media services, once again dragging Thailand’s reputation through the mire and making it the laughing stock of the world. Mongers of Pattaya rejoice – a few more incidents like this and you’ll have the place to yourselves.”

A Walking Street club has removed a notice from the front of its premises after accusations of discrimination against farang women…

 

Beer bars and massage parlours are said to be unhappy with the levels of spending in their establishments even though tourist numbers are on the up. Some are blaming “cautious consumer spending” while others are blaming “tight-fisted tossers”. Just two ways of saying the same thing really.

Pattaya Tourist Police have been making sure that people boarding boats to Koh Larn are equipped with life jackets. Perhaps when the next rainy season arrives they could offer the same service to people on Walking Street.

Yet more fake monks have been discovered in Pattaya, this time in the Soi Buakhao area where they were seen touting for donations. They were detained after irregularities were found in their monk identification documents and were then taken to a temple where they were formally disrobed. So how can you formally disrobe a fake monk then?

Finally, a chemical lab linked to Chinese nationals has been found in Pattaya. A spokesman said “For all we know, these nasty little yellow buggers may have been trying to start a new pandemic.” Covid 2? Let’s hope not – sequels are never as good as the original.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual your efforts are appreciated. I must admit that the section regarding new bars and clubs and those places closing is my favourite part. Keeping up with the things that matter in Pattaya when you are not there, is important. 

Also pleased to see that the "Bridge creating troubled waters" has not been forgotten.