BigusDicus

A "feel good" story for a Friday.

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, who is 75, looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!" Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ... You shoulda bought a hat!”

So what were you supposed to do with the last five minutes?

https://www.express.co.uk/news/us/1721886/Tennessee-police-cop-scandal-fired-dxus?fbclid=IwAR2aaQNLxneXEiYdRmRLVKjIhki5CETTz8bFn9kwWgvYQFfxnAxmEzUJDEg Married police officer ‘had on-duty sex with male colleagues, including at station’ Officer Maegen Hall, 26, allegedly performed oral sex on a detective in the police gym - before the two returned to their desks to continue the workday. By ADAM CHAPMAN 12:52, Mon, Jan 16, 2023 | UPDATED: 20:41, Tue, Jan 17, 2023 A police officer has been fired after allegedly engaging in on-duty sex acts with male colleagues. Maegen Hall, 26, allegedly performed oral sex with two officers at the police station, sent dirty pictures and took her top off at a “Girls Gone Wild” hot tub party. Hall is alleged to have bragged about the size of one partner’s genitals and said to have described herself as in an “open marriage”. The scandal has led to her dismissal from the La Vergne police department in the US state of Tennessee. Sergeant Lewis Powell, Officer Juan Lugo, Sergeant Ty McGowan and Detective Seneca Shields were also fired. Shields told officials Hall performed oral sex on him while they were on duty inside the police gym - before returning to their desks to continue their workday. Two other officers who allegedly had trysts with Hall — Patrick Magliocco and Larry Holladay — kept their jobs but wound up suspended. The investigation was launched after Jason Cole, the mayor of La Vergne, filed a report. The Mayor called the police department's HR and, citing an unnamed source, unveiled details of what the officers were accused of. Mayor Cole initially received a tip that Hall was sleeping with several fellow cops. He told investigators that Hall had told him about Powell’s “big” penis, and claimed she had performed a sex act on him while the pair were on the clock, according to a December 28 internal report. Magliocco also said he had seen Hall and Holladay kiss while watching football at a party, and said Hall had kissed his own wife, the document says. he other sexual exploits allegedly took place at hotels and parties at other officers’ houses and on a boat, it said. One of the male officers involved in the investigation also reported serious concerns about the female officer's mental health. The officer alleged Hall had once pulled the trigger on an empty gun pointed at her temple “so she could hear what it sounded like” and said she was suffering from mental illness. The terminated officers are patrol officer Maegan Hall, patrol officer Juan Lugo-Perez, Sgt. Henry Ty McGowan, Sgt. Lewis Powell and detective Seneca Shields. The suspended officers are Patrol and K-9 Officer Larry Holladay, Patrol Officer Patrick Magliocco and Patrol Officer Gavin Schoeberl. In a statement, Mayor Cole said: "This situation is unacceptable and as soon as it was brought to our attention it was immediately investigated and action was taken upon the individuals involved. "Our top priority moving forward will include rebuilding the public’s trust. I have full confidence in the police department’s leadership team and their ability to lead the department. "We will be retraining all of our employees in the rules, regulations, and expectations set forth by city leadership."

Turn any sofa into a bed by telling your wife to calm down...

I have always preferred the English spelling of "diarrhea" which is "diarrhoea" because it looks like you've lost control of your vowels...

And we have our first candidate for the 2023 Darwin Award

Parenting Expert: "Children model the behaviour they see". My Mother: "False, they see me clean, but they do not clean"

Yeah, I know I'm probably going to Hell...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."