monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the height of summer, and to the floods that come with it these days. You’ll probably get better weather at home. The latest establishment in Pattaya to burn to the ground is Catflaps in Pratumnak, which met its demise due to “a faulty bug zapper.” When police visited the premises belonging to the vendor of the offending item, they were told “It wasn’t faulty. It killed all the bugs, didn’t it?” A small group of Koreans had an expensive night out in a Naklua restaurant when they were presented with a bill for 100,000 baht. This may seem a l

I was thinking that most people wouldn't know about the vinegar remedy (I didn't) so a company selling the stuff might want to encourage tourists to buy a bottle. Perhaps the joke was a little too obscure.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for tagging along, and welcome to Pattaya as it begins its celebration of the Year of the Stinking Pig. No wonder the Chinese all left. Well, a new law passed by the Thai government at the end of last month means that in certain areas we can now buy alcohol 24 hours a day. All we need now is somewhere that’s open 24 hours a day so we can buy it. Investigations are under way after parts of Sukhumvit Road were plunged into darkness following the theft of street light control cables. A local spokesman said “We take a very dim view of this sort

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap to more midsummer madness in the City of Stinking Pigs. We don’t try to curry favour here. Well, in the case of Thailand, it looks like tourism from the yellow peril has been well and truly flushed down the crapper. A tourism representative said it was like watching an empire vanish. Others might say it was more like watching a carbuncle vanish. Trouble is, it may be replaced by something even more ghastly. A Pattaya woman is facing criminal charges after she faked a robbery to explain why all her farang boyfriend’s money had gone missing.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us a visit, and welcome to this month’s delve into dark deeds and debauchery. Or not. Well, we just have to kick off with the news that Thai religious bar closure days have been scrapped in entertainment areas. Great news, unless you’re visiting a restaurant or visiting anywhere at all if there’s an election on. They just can’t let it go, can they? Or maybe they can, as the government is now considering including restaurants in this new law as well. Just don’t hold your breath (unless you’re standing within 10 feet of a “quality tourist.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another look at what’s through the keyhole in the city of silly grins. Let’s go for it. Pattaya’s new mobile health service got off to a bit of a bad start when their van ran over several of the people who were queuing for a health check. Nevertheless, they were given a comprehensive medical before being shipped off to hospital to have their injuries treated. As their motto says, “Improving the quality of life for Pattaya residents.” A German tourist was injured on Pattaya Beach when a motorcycle taxi driver knock

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for jumping aboard, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare ramblings. Chocks away. The post COVID outbreak of stinking pig in the Walking Street area is reportedly spreading and is now threatening to become a pandemic. Unfortunately no vaccine is available but face masks definitely help. There’s a new craze sweeping teens in Pattaya, namely riding motorbikes round the city and slapping Indians round the head. They don’t seem to bother with farangs, presumably because most of them are slapheads already. An Italian man who wa

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to another through-the-keyhole peek at the latest strange behaviour in Smog City. A Russian chap sitting on a motorcycle on Beach Road was surprised when a woman approached his bike and pulled him off. Don’t know why he was surprised. Perhaps she didn’t charge him. Here’s a strange one. A Chinese tourist was stabbed near the entrance to Walking Street after an argument broke out with a man who’d walked up to him and asked him how big his dick was. Not sure that ‘big’ was the right word to use if the rumours about the

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for following us into the New Year, and welcome to more tales of Pattaya, the city that never sleeps – it just passes out. Stories abound that Walking Street is changing and the traditional go go bars are being replaced by luxury establishments for party groups. One report remarked that there are now seven or eight Indian clubs and none of them for Cheap Charlies. Well that would explain why they all close down after a couple of months. Concerns have been raised in some quarters about baht buses overcharging foreigners. This is true to an ext

Apologies to all you petrolheads out there. The Classis Car Show isn't until February. Doh.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for the last time this year, and welcome to our special Christmas edition – which means it’s the same as all the others. Or maybe even worse. Following the recent weather, it’s been decided that Thailand’s rainy season will in future run from May to April. Perhaps Pattaya should consider a similar extension to its low season. A motorbike thief was arrested by police near Pattaya after he fell off a roof. How the hell did he get the bike up there? An Australian bloke is in police custody in Pattaya after what was described as a bizarre ra

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in, and welcome to another dive into the murky waters of Pattaya, metaphorically speaking. And literally speaking, come to think of it. Pattaya has been hit by flash floods yet again and it’s reported that traffic officers have been assigned to deal with the situation. Presumably when there’s gridlock on the roads the weathermen will be sent in. Police are investigating after a Pattaya mother reported that a gang of youths had assaulted her son with fireworks. It seems that the gang didn’t have a bottle to fire their rockets fro

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to yet another month, and welcome to another fertile crop of futile crap. Let’s dig in. A Thai family were injured after a pickup truck landed on top of their vehicle after falling from a bridge that was still under construction. A spokesman for the building company responsible said “With the benefit of hindsight, it might have been prudent to finish building the bridge before reopening the road.” Experts, you gotta love ‘em. Following the arrest of an Indian tourist for groping a woman on Beach Road, police have decided to charge him with the

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for taking a gander, and welcome to another sneaky peek at what’s transpired, inspired and expired in the last month. Chocks away. The Thai Navy are to create something they call an ‘underwater learning park’ by sinking some of their old ships. They should take some advice from the Koh Larn ferry as they’ve managed to sink more boats than just about anybody else. Experts have advised that the chances of another coup in Thailand are very slim, though if you had the gun barrel of a tank sticking through your front window you’d probably come to

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your valued patronage, and welcome to another stream of unconsciousness. Let’s go with the flow. Within the space of a few days, two South Korean tourists were found drowned off the coast of Koh Larn. No doubt the Chinese will be accusing them of cultural appropriation, having had something of a monopoly on drowning around this location, though in their case it’s usually by the ferry load. If you’re having a bit of trouble getting the old plonker to perform these days, you may be interested to know that a Thai clinic can now offer to fit y

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more midsummer madness in the land that time didn’t forget. Game on. Onlookers watched in amazement when a Japanese chap rammed his car into the front of a Pattaya go go bar a couple of weeks ago. Now we know that some people like to park near to their destination to avoid walking, but this guy is just plain lazy. An allegedly distraught young Israeli who went missing has been found alive and well in a forest in East Pattaya. When asked by the rescue team why he was so upset, the young Jewish lad replied “I’v

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to another peek at the city of scaremongering without the scare. Let’s rock. Well the ever popular sport of balcony diving has gone into international overdrive in Pattaya with no less than four incidents occurring in the first week of the month. The first one to plummet was a Thai, followed by a Russian, an American and a German, who set a new record with a drop of 33 floors from a 5 star hotel. Well at least they seem to be getting a better class of jumper. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s now been a fifth and

Don't worry. I was pissed when I wrote it. Cheers.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to a sneaky peak at the latest high jinks in the City of Smut. Brace yourselves. The Pattaya Waterworks Department has declared that there won’t be a water shortage in Pattaya this year. Those of us who’ve spent many an hour walking through Pattaya’s entertainment areas up to our waists in water probably won’t have too much difficulty believing this. An instructor at a municipal fire station shot one of his recruits the other week after what was described as a “heated argument.” Unfortunately, the other recruits as

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to our April fools edition, where the truth may be stretched a little further than normal in one or two places. Or a lot further, as the case may be. Well, Songkran all went fairly smoothly apart from one little incident when a visiting Vietnamese businessman complained to the police that a crowd of revellers just across the road had got his dong all wet. Actually, if he keeps his money in his trousers he might have been making two complaints. The government are demanding that action be taken against

Here's Lou performing in Papagayo...

Well it's certainly possible but I won't be putting my shirt on it. I think this is at least the third opening date we've been given.

And for those who don't remember... How many Pattaya locations can you identify?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to more tales from the world’s favourite building site. Rock on. A tourist leaving a local beer garden the other week was somewhat surprised to notice that his shorts had unexpectedly caught fire as he left the premises. It seems that a rather careless Thai workman had been cutting through some metal and had sprayed the walkway with a shower of sparks, some of which had ignited the nether garments of the passing tourist. Having been refused compensation by the workman, the hapless tourist went to the police station to m

The 100 or so food stalls obviously didn't. 😡