monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to yet another month, and welcome to another fertile crop of futile crap. Let’s dig in. A Thai family were injured after a pickup truck landed on top of their vehicle after falling from a bridge that was still under construction. A spokesman for the building company responsible said “With the benefit of hindsight, it might have been prudent to finish building the bridge before reopening the road.” Experts, you gotta love ‘em. Following the arrest of an Indian tourist for groping a woman on Beach Road, police have decided to charge him with the

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for taking a gander, and welcome to another sneaky peek at what’s transpired, inspired and expired in the last month. Chocks away. The Thai Navy are to create something they call an ‘underwater learning park’ by sinking some of their old ships. They should take some advice from the Koh Larn ferry as they’ve managed to sink more boats than just about anybody else. Experts have advised that the chances of another coup in Thailand are very slim, though if you had the gun barrel of a tank sticking through your front window you’d probably come to

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your valued patronage, and welcome to another stream of unconsciousness. Let’s go with the flow. Within the space of a few days, two South Korean tourists were found drowned off the coast of Koh Larn. No doubt the Chinese will be accusing them of cultural appropriation, having had something of a monopoly on drowning around this location, though in their case it’s usually by the ferry load. If you’re having a bit of trouble getting the old plonker to perform these days, you may be interested to know that a Thai clinic can now offer to fit y

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more midsummer madness in the land that time didn’t forget. Game on. Onlookers watched in amazement when a Japanese chap rammed his car into the front of a Pattaya go go bar a couple of weeks ago. Now we know that some people like to park near to their destination to avoid walking, but this guy is just plain lazy. An allegedly distraught young Israeli who went missing has been found alive and well in a forest in East Pattaya. When asked by the rescue team why he was so upset, the young Jewish lad replied “I’v

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to another peek at the city of scaremongering without the scare. Let’s rock. Well the ever popular sport of balcony diving has gone into international overdrive in Pattaya with no less than four incidents occurring in the first week of the month. The first one to plummet was a Thai, followed by a Russian, an American and a German, who set a new record with a drop of 33 floors from a 5 star hotel. Well at least they seem to be getting a better class of jumper. And if that wasn’t enough, there’s now been a fifth and

Don't worry. I was pissed when I wrote it. Cheers.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to a sneaky peak at the latest high jinks in the City of Smut. Brace yourselves. The Pattaya Waterworks Department has declared that there won’t be a water shortage in Pattaya this year. Those of us who’ve spent many an hour walking through Pattaya’s entertainment areas up to our waists in water probably won’t have too much difficulty believing this. An instructor at a municipal fire station shot one of his recruits the other week after what was described as a “heated argument.” Unfortunately, the other recruits as

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to our April fools edition, where the truth may be stretched a little further than normal in one or two places. Or a lot further, as the case may be. Well, Songkran all went fairly smoothly apart from one little incident when a visiting Vietnamese businessman complained to the police that a crowd of revellers just across the road had got his dong all wet. Actually, if he keeps his money in his trousers he might have been making two complaints. The government are demanding that action be taken against

Here's Lou performing in Papagayo...

Well it's certainly possible but I won't be putting my shirt on it. I think this is at least the third opening date we've been given.

And for those who don't remember... How many Pattaya locations can you identify?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to more tales from the world’s favourite building site. Rock on. A tourist leaving a local beer garden the other week was somewhat surprised to notice that his shorts had unexpectedly caught fire as he left the premises. It seems that a rather careless Thai workman had been cutting through some metal and had sprayed the walkway with a shower of sparks, some of which had ignited the nether garments of the passing tourist. Having been refused compensation by the workman, the hapless tourist went to the police station to m

The 100 or so food stalls obviously didn't. 😡

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for staying in touch, and welcome to another sneak peek at the latest goings on (or off as the case may be.) Pattaya police have been issuing leaflets to Chinese tourists warning them of online scams. Suppose they’re on about things like advertising Pattaya as a great place for families where they won’t get shot at by gangs or drowned on ferries. Now who would fall for a scam like that? A beach on Koh Larn has been given a major clean up following a rash of complaints about foul smells, flies and litter. This has outraged the Chinese ambassado

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another New Year, and welcome to Monkeywatch as it enters its 19th year, no less. Doesn’t time fly when you’re taking the piss? Thailand is predicted to have lower than normal rainfall this year, so visitors to Pattaya may only find themselves up to their knees in water rather than the usual up to the waist situation. Life just gets better and better. Three people were injured in East Pattaya when a barbecue unexpectedly exploded. Attendees at the function were forced to dive for cover as sausages, burgers and sundry other items were fired a

Top Gun is indeed the old Pulse Club. Champagne and Bachelors still closed as far as I know.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and prepare to be transported to a wonderland of Christmas magic and festive delights. Okay, it’s just the same old shit with tinsel on. Let’s kick off with a rather strange tale. A prisoner went on the run a couple of weeks ago after escaping from Bangkok Pattaya Hospital where he’d been taken for surgery on his penis. A surgeon told police not to bother searching for the man as they’d be able to re-arrest him as soon as he returned to the hospital. When asked how he was so sure the man would return, the surgeon replied “Well we’ve stil

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for visiting us once again, and welcome to another session of worm can lid lifting. Tin openers at the ready. So December 15 is the big day when we finally get the near mythical official 4am bar closing times. So this puts us back exactly where we were about 20 plus years ago when many of us were visiting Pattaya for the very first time. Isn’t progress wonderful? Interestingly, it’s been pointed out that the new closing time regulations don’t extend the hours during which alcohol can be served, so you’ll need to buy a shitload of beer before 2am to

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois, and welcome to our autumn almanac of stories you couldn’t make up. Well not entirely anyway. A tourist in Thailand turned up at a local airport the other week asking for help as he couldn’t remember which hotel he was staying at. The staff duly made enquiries and told him “Well, we’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we’ve found out that you’re booked in at The Hilton. The bad news is that it’s the Amsterdam Hilton. There’s a bus stop at the end of the road.” The Department of Marine and coastal Res

Maybe we have a woke tourist in our midst?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more dollops of dirt served up on a Pattaya platter. Engage warped drive. Let’s begin with some good news. It’s been reported that Chinese visitor numbers to Pattaya are declining. Various reasons have been put forward to explain this, such as higher air fares and visa complications, but no mention was made of things like Chinese drowning on sinking ferries, being shot dead in the crossfire between feuding Thai gangs and plummeting to their death from various high-placed locations. Must have slipped the

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to more midsummer mayhem in Loony Land. On with the show. Well, we’ve said goodbye to the old Walking Street and hello to the new sign-free and cable-free version. Don’t worry though – if you feel a bit nostalgic, just wander up any of the side sois and see things exactly as they were before. Vehicles have been banned from Bali Hai pier following the discovery of structural damage to its supports. Probably due to the weight of all those Chinese tourists standing on it. Either that or they’ve been eating it. Anyon

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for tuning in again, and welcome to the latest delve into the goings on and goings off in Snigger City. Let’s do it. The construction work on 2nd Road is due to be completed by the end of this month so we can expect to see things get back to normal sometime in 2024. Or 2025. Possibly. The Ministry of Public Health, concerned by a serious shortage of medical personnel, has come up with a radical plan to solve the problem. It goes along the lines of “get some more.” If only the West could think with such clarity. A 19 year old Thai chap sur

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to all present, and welcome to another midsummer night’s wet dream as we probe the pits of Patts. The mayor of Pattaya has personally assured the safety of 2000 Chinese tourists who will be arriving in Pattaya next month. Doubt if this will be much comfort to the other 8000 or so who are expected to turn up as well. After managing to escape from his tour group and losing his phone, a Chinese tourist got pissed as a rat and threatened to jump from his Central Road hotel balcony. So that’s his idea of a threat, is it? Some people did try to talk

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month’s look at the things happening in Patts, both big and small. Well okay, just small then. This month the WHO brought glad tidings of comfort and joy for travellers to Thailand by announcing that Covid-19 is no longer a global health emergency. Well how about that? So what will their next up-to-the-minute pronouncement be? That World War 2 is over? Silly buggers. Former Thai Prime Minister and fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra has announced that he intends to return to Thailand in July after 17 years of exil