monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month’s look at the things happening in Patts, both big and small. Well okay, just small then. This month the WHO brought glad tidings of comfort and joy for travellers to Thailand by announcing that Covid-19 is no longer a global health emergency. Well how about that? So what will their next up-to-the-minute pronouncement be? That World War 2 is over? Silly buggers. Former Thai Prime Minister and fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra has announced that he intends to return to Thailand in July after 17 years of exil

I do indeed and thank you for your offer, which is much appreciated. New sources of pics are always most welcome.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more tales about the pitfalls of life in the land of sniggers. Shortly before the beginning of Songkran, the boys in brown started carrying out so-called nightclub inspections “to make tourists feel safe and secure.” Not sure that the best way to achieve this is to have police jackbooting their way around nightclubs harassing patrons. One bar owner said he’d had his back doors smashed in, though it later transpired that this related to a visit he’d made to Katoeys ‘R’ Us. Alcohol limits were introd

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois, and welcome to another round of unlikely tales, the most unlikely of course being the truest. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the proposed 4am bar closing times have been unceremoniously binned, the boys in brown have now decided, as part of their Tourist Prevention Programme, to undertake a blitz of raids to ensure that the existing 2am closing times are rigorously enforced. No doubt they’ll be aided and abetted by the Anti-Tourist Police to make sure that everyone has as miserable a holiday as possible. Amazing Thailand? Bloody u

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once again, and welcome to another cavity search into the goings-on in the city of titters. Walking Street clubs and bars have been warned that perpendicular erections are set to be banned from the front of their premises. Shouldn’t be a problem, as in our experience such activities usually take place in the back (or in the case of Katoeys R Us, in the rear.) The Thai health ministry have announced that individuals found in possession of certain drugs will in future incur stiffer penalties. Presumably if one of the drugs is Via

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another New Year, and welcome to the latest invasion of the yellow peril into Fun City. Well, it had to happen sooner or later, though later would’ve been infinitely preferable. A Thai folk music commentator has been arrested and accused of interfering with a 16 year old boy late last year. Well, as they say in the North of England “There’s nowt so queer as folk.” Well imagine our surprise. Thailand welcomed in the New Year by reintroducing mandatory Covid vaccine certificates for anyone arriving from abroad. Yes, this applied to everybody –

How time flies. It doesn't feel like more than 16.66666666666665 years.

Season’s greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying a visit, and welcome to this, our 200th edition, full of Christmas magic and festive fun. Well no, not really. The Thai PM has advised organisers of New Year events to do so taking “maximum precautions.” Against what, exactly? Following the devastating news that China is to ease its travel restrictions in January, we can no doubt expect to see hordes of diminutive Covid-infested yellow pests swarming all over Pattaya in the near future. Reckon most people would prefer a swarm of locusts – though the effect would be much t

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to another irreverent peek through the keyhole at life in ‘Quality Tourist’ City. Yes, the place is overrun with the atrocious little buggers. Okay, down to business. It’s been reported that Thailand is preparing for a big surge in air pollution in the near future. Looking at the latest busloads of ‘quality tourists’ arriving in Pattaya, it isn’t difficult to work out why. Maybe face masks aren’t such a bad idea after all. The Tourist Authority of Thailand has said its plan for 2023 is to target Indians and Malaysians. L

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to another walk on the riled side. Best foot forward. Well, the holiday weekend saw Pattaya filled with hordes of Thais, Indians and other stinking pigs of indeterminate origin. It’s been reported that “Many bars and restaurants are now modifying their offerings to appeal to the South Asians.” This will no doubt involve a drastic reduction in the number of glasses and an equally drastic increase in the number of straws. Construction work in North Pattaya that was meant to reduce the flooding problem in the area end

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to more tales of the unexpected from the city of the even more unexpected. Fasten your seat belts and away we go. There’s been a story in the Thai press about officials meeting with taxi drivers to discuss the issue of “stealing customers.” Well we’ve had stories about gold necklaces being stolen but this takes it to another level. Wonder how much they get for them? Wouldn’t have thought there was much of a market for stolen customers. Mind you, there’s more than a few bars around who look like they could use them. A

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for peeking in, and welcome to another month as Fun City creaks slowly back to life. On with the show. TAT has recently received a briefing from City Hall on how Pattaya is planning to encourage more Indian tourists to visit the city. Don’t know what was said, though if we’d been there our suggestions would have been for hotels to put eight more beds in each room and for the police to pretend to believe all the ludicrous fairy tales about stolen gold necklaces that we hear reported every other bloody day. Since Covid gave them delusions of re

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to freedom month. Yes, it’s all over. Or is it? Time will tell… The old “Indian who’s reported to police that he’s had his gold chain nicked by katoeys” count has now risen to eight in the last two months. The latest was a bit bolder than the others, upping the ante from 50,000 to 120,000 baht. Just how stupid do they think the insurance companies are? Silly buggers. The patience of the police with all this seems to be wearing a little thin as well, with stories of them throwing statements into the rubbish bin as soon as the

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to the latest new dawn for Fun City (oh shit, not another one.) A noodles restaurant in Pattaya has offered its customers a 3000 baht prize if they can eat a 4.5kg giant noodle bowl in 20 minutes. To date nobody has won the prize as most competitors don’t seem to be aware that they should be eating the bowl and not the noodles. Probably tastes better anyway. A Thai taxi driver has been arrested after he knocked seven bells of shite out of a Chinese tourist who thumped his car during an argument over the fare. Comment

Something a little different from Pattaya...

Yes, I should've said "Still officially midnight closing for now."

It's amazing that all the thefts were gold necklaces and all were allegedly worth 50,000 baht. An uncharitable mind might be tempted to think that someone's been churning out copies of a completed insurance claim form.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the dawn of a bright new tomorrow (or some shit like that.) Yes, it’s finally happened! After more than two years, bars and clubs will be able to reopen on June 1 without having to pretend to be restaurants (didn’t pretend very well, did they?) Still quite a few strings attached at the moment, but one step at time eh? There’ll be dancing, singing, and before you know it you’ll be able to sit next to a girl (and if you wear a mask, you might even be able to talk to her.) Oh, the sweet taste of freedom! Thai men have b

Best Pattaya music video ever...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to more tales of gloom and doom from Covid City (and maybe the odd April fool.) TAT has launched a new initiative to attract Indian tourists and expects at least 13,000 of them to arrive this month. The hotel industry has been told to be prepared as they may need to provide up to 500 rooms to accommodate them. Thailand has been given approval to send trainloads of fruits to China. Guess the little yellow buggers must be missing their visits to Alcazar and Tiffany’s. A Thai bloke has become the first in the cou

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to what can only be described as more of the same. Will we ever return to real life? TAT has set a target of 10 million foreign tourists for 2022, and will be particularly concentrating on attracting Indians. Bet the girls in the bars were doing cartwheels when they heard that bit of news. TAT by name, tat by nature. It’s been estimated that the war between Russia and Ukraine will cost the Thai economy in the region of 244 billion baht. Shit, those Ruskies must have been coughing up some serious barfines. Thais

Great news Pete. Hope the Beer Garden gets all the support it deserves.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for visiting us once again, and welcome to this month’s look at what’s going on in Not-Much-Fun City as the Land of Masks slowly edges towards reopening. Well, more and more bars and go go’s are opening up by calling themselves restaurants, though in many cases all you’ll get is a handful of nuts. So now you know how the girls feel. Pigs were sent flying after an agricultural truck was in collision with a car just outside Pattaya. A passer-by was most disappointed to learn that the sight of the airborne pigs didn’t mean that Thailand had intr