monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to the latest new dawn for Fun City (oh shit, not another one.) A noodles restaurant in Pattaya has offered its customers a 3000 baht prize if they can eat a 4.5kg giant noodle bowl in 20 minutes. To date nobody has won the prize as most competitors don’t seem to be aware that they should be eating the bowl and not the noodles. Probably tastes better anyway. A Thai taxi driver has been arrested after he knocked seven bells of shite out of a Chinese tourist who thumped his car during an argument over the fare. Commentators have remarked that this could affect the image of Thai tourism, and it’s hard to argue with them. People would pay good money to watch something like that. Nervous visitors to Pattaya have been assured by the Disaster Prevention and Mitigation Department (where do they get all these snappy little names from?) that the city’s tsunami early warning system is still fully functional. And here it is…..oh, it looks like he’s gone for his lunch… A French Muay Thai kickboxer was more than a little miffed when he found out that his new tattoo, which was supposed to read “Thai Boxing”, actually read “Thai Dick”. Well even tattooists are entitled to their opinion. Pattaya’s mayor has given a right royal bollocking to the Provincial Electricity Company after they announced that the completion of the Walking Street repairs would be delayed from August to September. Good for the mayor. The lazy buggers were supposed to have finished the job last December. Indian tourists have apparently been getting upset about being told that bars they try to enter are members only, so bar owners have been trying to come up with some more subtle ways of keeping them out. One bar owner claimed a success when he told a group of swarthy individuals that they couldn’t enter his premises unless they had a pair of underpants on their head and a pencil up each nostril. They were forced to leave as they didn’t have any pencils….. or underpants. Actually, while we’re on the subject, why do Indian men think it’s cool to look like Groucho Marx?.. Bar news now, and of course it’s all started happening since the great reopening of June 1. Old favourites are re-emerging as well as some new ones, particularly in the Soi Buakhao and Soi Boomerang areas. Tree Town in particular seems to be experiencing a meteoric rise in popularity and is reckoned by some to be the new centre of Pattaya nightlife. There’s even some new activity on Soi 7, and who would have predicted that? Walking Street is still more like Walking Dead Street at the moment, but may yet come back to life when it starts to look more like an entertainment zone and less like a building site, hopefully by August. So maybe all is not lost after all, especially with the removal of all remaining Covid restrictions due on July 1. Wonder what they’ll hit us with next? Electricity contractors have been at work in East Pattaya sorting out the untidy overhead wires in the area. City Hall has been less than impressed with the workmanship as they were apparently not expecting the wires to be just ripped down and thrown into a ditch. Funny, that’s exactly what we would’ve expected. Memories of the old normal now with a look over the shoulder at a quartet of snippets from Monkeywatch in June 2012… “There seems to be an increasing trend recently for Pattaya hotels to charge joiner fees for residents who have more than one guest in their room. Could be a ploy to squeeze extra money out of mongers, but it’s more likely an attempt to keep the number of Indian occupants per room down to single figures. A Thai bloke has been locked up after being accused of burgling a house and sexually assaulting the owners’ five-year-old dog. What a sicko. He should stick to dogs over 18 like any normal pervert. A Frenchman from East Pattaya who had a row with his Thai wife is recovering in hospital after attempting suicide by swallowing weed killer. He’d have done better taking a trip down to Beach Road and drinking the seawater. The Chinese ambassador has suggested that Pattaya should erect signs in Chinese to prevent visitors from his country being tricked, cheated and robbed. A Pattaya official observed that if Chinese tourists couldn’t be ripped off there really wasn’t any point in having them in the city in the first place.” Pattaya’s annual Subbuteo table football tournament has had to be cancelled after somebody ran off with all the players… Pattaya motorists have been complaining about the number of collapsed drain covers in the city. One complainant was extremely angry after he smashed a wheel on his car while trying to drive round (or was it over?) a group of Indian tourists walking four abreast in the middle of the road. Economic conditions in Thailand have resulted in a drop in demand for real estate. Guess all the Thais must be buying counterfeit estate instead. It should go nicely with their watches. Finally, it’s been reported that a dead foreigner has been found floating near to Pattaya beach. Well people found floating next to beaches are hardly likely to be alive, are they? be seeing you monkeyman

Something a little different from Pattaya...

Yes, I should've said "Still officially midnight closing for now."

It's amazing that all the thefts were gold necklaces and all were allegedly worth 50,000 baht. An uncharitable mind might be tempted to think that someone's been churning out copies of a completed insurance claim form.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the dawn of a bright new tomorrow (or some shit like that.) Yes, it’s finally happened! After more than two years, bars and clubs will be able to reopen on June 1 without having to pretend to be restaurants (didn’t pretend very well, did they?) Still quite a few strings attached at the moment, but one step at time eh? There’ll be dancing, singing, and before you know it you’ll be able to sit next to a girl (and if you wear a mask, you might even be able to talk to her.) Oh, the sweet taste of freedom! Thai men have been getting all hot under the collar following a claim by a British online pharmacy that they have the seventh smallest penises in the world. Must be tough on them dropping out of the top five for the first time – and finishing six places behind the Japanese. TAT is having yet another go at attracting “quality tourists” to Thailand, this time using something called “soft power”, defined as “shaping the preferences of others through appeal and attraction.” Their particular take on this involves promoting irresistible favourites such as mango sticky rice and Thai television programmes. Quality tourists will no doubt flock to Thailand in their millions in the face of that level of temptation. Police are trying to trace the owner of this novelty sex toy that washed up on Pattaya Beach recently. A police spokesman said “It shouldn’t be difficult. We haven’t seen one this size since Marilyn a Go Go shut down”… A local fishing contest was held recently in which it was stressed that quantity was more important than size. They must have got the idea from Chinese tour companies. With elections in Pattaya looming large, mayoral candidates have been trawling the streets for potential voters and have been holding meetings with groups of joggers and drinkers. No prizes for guessing which were better attended. It looks like the 300 baht so-called tourist tax has been kicked into the long grass for the time being. It was believed that some of the tax would be used for tourist insurance, though it now transpires that you’ll only be able to claim if you’re run over, beaten up, blown to buggery by a terrorist bomb or pushed from the balcony of a high rise building. Come to think of it, they might well end up being inundated with claims. Of course, there have been loads of complaints about this exorbitant tax, with certain quality ethnic groups claiming it will wipe out their spending money for the entire trip. Chinese visitors are respectfully reminded that this building is not a public toilet… Bar news now, and not a great deal more to add to what’s already been said. Still midnight closing for now, but there may be further changes at the beginning of July and also August, which might see things return to something like pre-Covid status. Except it won’t, because new arrivals will now be screened for monkeypox. Rinse and repeat. The Pattaya Baht Bus cooperative held a meeting recently at which it warned its drivers against rudeness and swindling passengers. Has this organisation no respect for tradition? Rewind time now as we look back at the goings-on of 10 years ago with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in May 2012… “A strange tale emerged a few weeks ago of a Thai man who committed suicide after becoming depressed because his previous suicide attempt had failed. Lucky the second attempt was successful or he’d have been really pissed off. A Thai lad shot three people, including a farang, on Soi 8 during Songkran after somebody upset him a bit. This’ll take some explaining away by the Tourist Authority. Family friendly resort my big spotty arse. Local residents have been complaining about a large hole that has appeared in South Pattaya Road and is apparently still increasing in size and depth. They say it’s about time that officials got to the bottom of it, at which point the locals will presumably fill it in themselves.” Not sure the world’s ready for a motorized sandbag… In the last three weeks no less than five Indian tourists, all residing in 200 baht per night flop houses, have claimed to have been robbed of unfeasibly expensive pieces of jewellery by Beach Road hookers. Yes, things really do seem to be returning to normal. A bar girl suffered a head injury after falling off the back of a speeding motorbike while pissed as a rat. She was rushed to hospital where she underwent tests and a doctor in attendance said she now had the IQ of a parsnip. Well at least there wasn’t any brain damage then. Thailand is to introduce a new health and safety law in September saying that all children aged six years or younger can only travel in cars that are fitted with an officially approved child car seat. They’ll still be able to sit on the handlebars of a motorbike though. Finally, it’s been reported that tides of trash have returned to Pattaya beaches. Funny, thought they were all back in lockdown. be seeing you monkeypox

Best Pattaya music video ever...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to more tales of gloom and doom from Covid City (and maybe the odd April fool.) TAT has launched a new initiative to attract Indian tourists and expects at least 13,000 of them to arrive this month. The hotel industry has been told to be prepared as they may need to provide up to 500 rooms to accommodate them. Thailand has been given approval to send trainloads of fruits to China. Guess the little yellow buggers must be missing their visits to Alcazar and Tiffany’s. A Thai bloke has become the first in the country to become infected with this month’s Covid variant, known as XJ (bet Jaguar will have something to say about that.) Fortunately, the chappie has already made a full recovery despite receiving two doses of the Chinese Sinopharm vaccine. Do you think we should stand for this?... Apparently the French ambassador to Thailand recently gave 3.2 million doses of Covid vaccine to the Thai Prime Minister during a courtesy visit. And yet they’re still telling the rest of us that we only need to have three or four doses. Greasy little weasels. One of the pleasures of watching YouTube is the videos featuring voice operated subtitles. People checking on Thailand’s Covid rules recently may have been alarmed to learn that they are required to take 80k tests before they’re allowed into the country. Even for Covid crazy Thailand, that sounds a bit over the top. Police arrested a man in a national park after he was seen using a plastic fork as single-use plastic items are banned from all national parks in Thailand. The man refused to pay the 100,000 baht fine, saying he’d used the fork once before and so it wasn’t single-use. The police accepted that he’d used it twice and so fined him 200,000 baht instead, reminding him that nobody likes a smartarse. Good to see that the Bamboo Bar is still around… Bar news time, and the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished yet again as the dreaded disease will not after all be downgraded to endemic at the beginning of July by the CCSA (the Covid Mafia), which means that some kind of return to normality on the bar scene is no closer. Here’s hoping they change their minds (fat chance.) The only upside, if you can call it that, is that from May 1 alcohol sales will be permitted until midnight in restaurants - so that would be just about anywhere then. It’s been pointed out that Walking Street did show some signs of life during Songkran, but it was a case of “It’s life Jim, but not as we know it.” Phuket reckons to have had a 30 per cent increase in tourists during this period, which probably equates to about 50 or so extra visitors if they’re lucky. Slip back through our time portal now and experience the goings-on of 10 years ago with a trio of tittle-tattle from Monkeywatch in April 2012… “A man is being sought by police after attempting to take an up-skirt photo of a girl in a convenience store in Central Pattaya last Thursday. Perhaps he was just looking up old friends? A strange ceremony took place last week when a man held a full Buddhist funeral for his dead cow. Four monks conducted the service and then acted as bearers (or should that be steakholders?) Three Thai men were arrested by Banglamung police last Thursday after they stole a gold necklace from a girl in Soi Kao Ta Low. Christ on a bike, how many Thais does it take to steal one bloody necklace?” Not sure that sign will be enough to lure the punters in… An arrest warrant has been issued for former Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra for misappropriation of government funds. She is of course the sister of Thaksin Shinawatra, another former PM and founder of the Tie Rack tie company. They also had another brother, Frank Shinawatra, who was known as Ol’ Red Eyes due to his proclivity for falling out of bars pissed as a rat. Not a lot of people know that. The Cambodian tour industry has proudly proclaimed that they plan to make their country “the new Thailand.” However, one of their travel agencies went on to say “But Cambodia will never allow the tourist industry to be based on the former Thai model of go-go clubs, seedy bars with rooms by the hour and rude transvestite cabarets.” Well maybe they will be the new Thailand. They sure as shit won’t be the old one. Finally, let’s spare a thought for the pensioners of the Pattaya Bridge Club who are still on death row six years after being convicted of owning too many playing cards in contravention of a law apparently introduced by Japanese occupation forces during World War II. Funny old game, innit? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to what can only be described as more of the same. Will we ever return to real life? TAT has set a target of 10 million foreign tourists for 2022, and will be particularly concentrating on attracting Indians. Bet the girls in the bars were doing cartwheels when they heard that bit of news. TAT by name, tat by nature. It’s been estimated that the war between Russia and Ukraine will cost the Thai economy in the region of 244 billion baht. Shit, those Ruskies must have been coughing up some serious barfines. Thais are being encouraged to exercise by a local cycling club who staged their 15 kilometre “Cycling for Good Health” event a couple of weeks ago. Just as well they did it now. If they’d done it after the Pattaya traffic levels return to normal they’d probably have all asphyxiated by the time they got to the end of the street. Probably would’ve had to rename the event as well. Remember, Pattaya always encourages responsible drinking… A Thai bloke’s car turned into a fireball after he lost control of it on a bend and slammed into a guard rail just outside Pattaya. A police officer at the scene said “The man was obviously driving like a complete moron. We were going to give him a roasting but he beat us to it.” TAT predicts that new sanctions will result in the number of Russian tourists visiting Thailand dropping from the current 700 a day. When asked how much it was likely to drop, a TAT spokesman replied “About 700 a day.” So what about the Chinese tourists then? Well, Pattaya is preparing itself for their return, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the current Chinese Covid strategy will probably see them locked down for the rest of the century. So it looks like it’s gonna have to be Westerners or stinking pigs, though Thailand’s current Covid strategy will probably mean that they won’t get either. Oh well, roll on 2023. Well it’s one way of keeping people away from your boat… Bar news now, and we’ll start with the good news that Pattaya Beer Garden reopened last Friday, as did Sapphire a Go Go. There have been some rumblings that legal bar re-openings may be on the horizon, but probably not before July and with heavy restrictions that’ll make the whole undertaking a complete waste of time. It’s expected that there’ll be compulsory triple vaccinations and antigen tests for customers, no hostesses, no staff sitting with customers, no parties, no shows and no dancing. The only upside is that there won’t be any toilet attendants, though one doubts if that’ll be enough to coax people to travel halfway round the world. A Thai actress has been killed after falling off a speedboat while she was taking a piss over the stern. Dunno why she was doing that. Probably rehearsing a scene for her new film. Time for a spot of nostalgia now with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in March 2012… “A Norwegian fellow went to the police after his Thai girlfriend broke into his room safe and helped herself to 25,000 baht, his laptop and his credit cards while he was asleep. The man was said to be shocked at the theft as the couple had been in a committed relationship for nearly two days. An Israeli man who was chased and caught by police after running off with a pair of Nike trainers from Big C is now threatening to sue the store for selling counterfeit goods, as he reckoned that if the shoes had been genuine the police wouldn’t have been able to catch him. A new water treatment plant is to be built which it is claimed will supply Pattaya with enough water for the next 20 years – as longer as people don’t anything wasteful with it like showering or drinking.” Always stay in the shade by buying yourself a tree on wheels, available from all moderately disreputable beach vendors… The government has announced that Thai eggs will be more expensive as a result of the Russian invasion. Dunno what the link is there. Perhaps they’ve been exporting them to Ukraine so the soldiers can throw them when they run out of bullets. Always said the Russians would leave Ukraine with egg on their faces. Board game enthusiasts might be interested to learn that Thailand has launched a new version of Monopoly, namely “Monopoly:Phuket Edition.” No, this isn’t an early April fool, this is the real thing. You don’t even have to go to Phuket to buy it as it’s available for purchase online. Let’s hope it’s followed by a Pattaya Edition. Could make for an interesting board and even more interesting Chance and Community Chest cards. Playing it would probably be an arrestable offence though. Finally, for those worried about the possibility of nuclear war, Thai experts have confirmed that if you wear a face mask you’ll get exactly the same amount of protection from a nuclear attack as you would get against catching Covid. Feel better now? be seeing you monkeyman

Great news Pete. Hope the Beer Garden gets all the support it deserves.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for visiting us once again, and welcome to this month’s look at what’s going on in Not-Much-Fun City as the Land of Masks slowly edges towards reopening. Well, more and more bars and go go’s are opening up by calling themselves restaurants, though in many cases all you’ll get is a handful of nuts. So now you know how the girls feel. Pigs were sent flying after an agricultural truck was in collision with a car just outside Pattaya. A passer-by was most disappointed to learn that the sight of the airborne pigs didn’t mean that Thailand had introduced some sensible Covid restrictions. The oil slick off the coast of Rayong won’t affect tourism according to the minister in charge. It was noted that he’d skilfully avoided mentioning that the reason for this was that there weren’t actually any tourists. Locals were also assured that seafood caught in the area didn’t contain any more arsenic, lead, cadmium and mercury than normal in Pattaya following the spill. Prospective diners will no doubt be curious as to what “normal” actually means. Sounds about as appetising as the two South Pattaya restaurants that were busted a few years back for hiring eight illegal Burmese immigrants. It was rumoured that two of them had been hired as waiters and the other six as ingredients. This year’s Cobra Gold exercises have begun, though they’ve been scaled down a little from previous years. This is the formation flying exercise… South Pattaya’s speed bumps have been repainted by City workers “to enhance pedestrian safety” following several incidents where motorists didn’t slow down because they didn’t see them. So now they won’t slow down because they did see them. Seems like City Hall need to do a refresher course on the mentality of the Thai motorist. You may know that Bangkok is being renamed Krung Thep Maha Nakon for some reason or other. Whether this catchy little name will be embraced by foreigners remains to be seen. Perhaps whoever came up with his idea should be renamed as well (we’ve come up with one or two suggestions.) What we can’t understand is why they’ve chosen to use the shortened version of the new name instead of the full name. For those who don’t know, the full name is Krungthepmahanakhon Amonrattanakosin Mahintharayutthaya Mahadilokphop Noppharatratchathaniburirom Udomratchaniwetmahasathan Amonphimanawatansathit Sakkathattiyawitsanukamprasit. The airport announcers would love it. Police raided a Pattaya tourist attraction after receiving reports that crocodiles were being raised there without a permit. The project was apparently aimed at Chinese tour groups. Fair enough – even crocodiles have to eat. In an effort to make Pattaya seem more like normal, officials have attempted to simulate a crowd of Chinese tourists on Beach Road… Bar news now, and as usual there’s bugger all worth reporting. Meanwhile, the outbreak of “restaurants” is continuing to gather pace while we wait for an end to the madness. A Pattaya councilman has suggested that Beach Road prostitutes should be zoned to protect the public from exposure to such goings-on. Others have suggested that a more useful idea would be to zone councilmen to protect the public from bloody daft ideas. Slide back a decade now as we revisit a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in February 2012… “A man from Rayong was arrested last week and charged with being a police impersonator and sex abuser, though it is unclear at present whether this is one charge or two. A German who went to retrieve the boat he had left on Pattaya Beach got a bit of a shock when he returned to the spot and found that his status as a boat owner had been revised to that of a former boat owner. The craft was eventually recovered, but he was advised to find a safer place to leave it in future. He’d left it opposite the Police Station.” Low tourist numbers have led to McDonald’s downsizing yet another of its restaurants… It seems that Boyztown is making a determined effort to rid itself of its recent image as a ghost town. Not sure that “ghost town” is the first thought to enter most people’s minds when the place is mentioned. Still, it’ll probably please the MGBGTs, or whatever it is they call themselves. Police searched a temple after it was revealed that the abbot and three officials from the National Office of Buddhism were suspected of having it away with 100 million baht of the organisation’s funds. The abbot is now in police custody but the three officials couldn’t be located as they’re believed to be hiding in the United States. A representative refused to elaborate and denied reports that the temple has started mentoring courses for members of the Russian Mafia. Finally, a Pattaya shopkeeper was hurt yesterday when she got her hands caught in the security door of her shop. Customers at her Everything 20 Baht shop took the opportunity to relieve her of her entire stock at a 20 baht discount and several of them shagged her on the way out before she could get her hands free. And the Ukrainians think they’ve got problems. be seeing you monkeyman

Another thumbs up for Nam's.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another year, and welcome to yet another lap of the lockdown lunacy race. As predicted, the reopening of entertainment venues in Pattaya has been postponed yet again due to the usual mindless hysteria, though bars licenced as restaurants can continue to serve alcohol, but only until 11pm. This is of course necessary to control the outbreak of Omicron and its much more deadly variant, the common cold. There’s also a rumour that go go’s will be allowed to reopen as long as the dancers work from home. Chinese-Thais in Pattaya are reportedly offering coffins to ward off bad luck. Strange behaviour – one would’ve thought if you needed a coffin, the chances of your luck changing for the better would be pretty slim. The jumping season took a new twist this month after a Ruskie plummeted to his doom from no less than the roof of Pattaya police station. The police immediately rushed outside and arrested him for not wearing a face mask. A number of bars have already responded to a new Covid directive to improve their ventilation… As if Pattaya didn’t have enough problems already, they’ve now got a new one – shrine dumping. East Pattaya residents have been complaining that people have been dumping their unwanted shrines along their road and causing anger in the spirit world. So why would anyone have an unwanted shrine? Have they converted to Islam? Apparently, some of them appear to have been broken, though one imagines it would take some pretty vigorous worshipping to cause any appreciable damage. Anyway, the locals have employed an exorcist named Mor Pla Ghostbuster as they reckon he sounds like the right man to rid them of the angry spirits. Sounds more like a loony to us. Police thought they were being clever the other night when they got a locksmith to break into a lock-in bar party so they could carry out a raid. Unfortunately for them, the revellers all left via a back door, locked it behind them, then went round the front and locked the police inside. The lock-in party thus became a lock-out party and the police remained trapped inside as they’d already sent the locksmith home. Don’t you just love a story with a happy ending? In a bit of news that will gladden the hearts of the ladies on Beach Road, the government has announced it’s introducing financial security packages for freelancers. For a modest monthly outlay, the National Savings Fund will offer them various benefits such as health insurance and a pension plan, the latter of which may be of considerable interest to some of the ladies working Beach Road nowadays. Oh, whatever happened to the moist young slappettes of days gone by? First we had Mini Siam, and now, Mini Stonehenge… Bar news now, and needless to say there’s rather less than we were hoping for. Some good news and bad news regarding Pattaya Beer Garden. The good news is that it’ll be reopening as soon as possible, and the bad news is that you’ll all have to sit on the floor as the furniture has been eaten by termites during the lockdown. If it tastes that good perhaps they should put it on the menu – just choose your words carefully when booking a table for dinner. For some reason, it’s been announced that Thailand has frozen chicken prices. Well of course they do. You can’t expect to get frozen chickens for free, can you? Waft yourself back in time now with a pair of historical scribblings from Monkeywatch in January 2012… “A fat bloke fell off his stool and died in a Pattaya bar last Tuesday after getting pissed as a rat. The bar was holding its weekly talent contest at the time and he won first prize for his startlingly accurate impression of Oliver Reed. The spate of arrests on Beach Road in the early hours produced an interesting statistic last week when three nightly raids on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday netted 58, 57 and 58 miscreants. Guess one of them must have the day off on Thursdays.” The old bags are already returning to Beach Road… The British royal family has been humiliated yet again following a newspaper story that Prince Andrew has in the past been seen frequenting a number of Thai go go bars. The manager of one of the bars in question told a reporter “I was amazed to see the Prince here.” Doubt if anyone else was. A regular punter added “You certainly wouldn’t get a member of the Thai royal family in a place like this.” That’s probably true. Most of the go go bars we know won’t let Thais in either. The mayor of Pattaya has apologised for the state of the city’s sidewalks, most notably Central Road, after the problem was highlighted on national media. Apparently, contractors were paid 28 million baht to look after the sidewalks but did a runner. Probably the same lot who were paid to bury the overhead cables and responded by ripping them down and chucking them into an open grave. Finally, the Thai government has agreed to hand out 1.4 billion baht to help people with the rising cost of living. Wonder if that includes barfines? be seeing you monkeyman

This is amazing - and they haven't even got a keyboard.

Yes, it makes a nice snack before you go to bed.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once again, and welcome to our land of wonder and Christmas magic – and disease, lockdowns and booze bans. The baby Jesus would’ve been spitting feathers if this had happened in Bethlehem. On with the show. Pattaya has announced that it’s fully prepared for the arrival of tourists during the upcoming holiday season. Guess there must be at least one hotel open then. Electric baht buses are to be introduced in Pattaya next year to improve the air quality in the region. Perhaps certain countries could help contribute to this goal by sending electric tourists in future instead of the usual herd of stinking pigs they inflict on us. It’s been revealed that Pattaya railway station currently has more used condoms than passengers. This comes as something of a surprise given that there are normally two people involved in the use of a condom. Someone also quipped that some bars have more cockroaches than customers, though it’s also been observed that in some bars there’s very little difference between the two. Delays caused by Pattaya workers having to self–isolate has resulted in some tourists arriving to find that their hotel rooms aren’t quite ready… Arrests were made at a Thai “restaurant” in Pattaya after customers were found to be dancing and drinking alcohol after midnight. The owners denied that the place wasn’t really a restaurant, but admitted that his argument was somewhat weakened by the fact that there wasn’t a scrap of food to be found on the premises. A holidaymaker who claimed he was just following government advice to protect himself during the pandemic has demanded that the police return his assault rifle and grenades. In an exciting bit of news for the incontinent, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to have a brand new shithouse at Bali Hai Pier. It’s not all good news though, as you’ll have to pay to use it, though this isn’t of course anything new to people who patronise the bar scene. At least they probably won’t have those chappies hanging around by the washbasins offering you what the Brits used to call a “wash and brush up” but if they do, just take the wash and run for it. Covid laws now require baht bus passengers to wear additional protective gear… Bar news now, and the booze is flowing again as the beer bars in Pattaya have suddenly transformed themselves into restaurants, including those without kitchens – or food. No matter as long as they have restaurant licences, which are now being thrown about like confetti. Looks like the genie and the booze are both finally out of the bottle. A Thai fellow came up with a new type of lockdown last week after getting his dick stuck in a padlock. It took emergency services a considerable amount of time to extricate him from his plight using what was diplomatically described as “specialist equipment.” This is apparently the second such incident this year. Some people just don’t seem to be able to grasp how to practice safe sex. Relax and float downstream now as we revisit a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in December 2011… “A petrol pump attendant was apprehended by police last Friday night after being caught spying on a woman while she was using the toilet at a petrol station in Jomtien. It’s been pointed out that female cleaners in Thailand do this all the time in men’s toilets, though to be fair they don’t normally climb up the side of the cubicle and look over the top as in this case. There was a bit of an altercation at a Central Pattaya restaurant on Wednesday when three men verbally abused the owner and then assaulted him. The reason for the attack remains unclear, though a witness said that one of the men had visited the restaurant the previous week and complained about his meal, at which point the Customer Services Manager had hit him in the face with a frozen chicken.” It’s probably as many as they need these days… Pattaya police are hunting a hit and run driver who killed a Thai bloke who’d got out of his car to take a piss by the roadside. They managed to trace the victim’s wife but she’s not been able to positively identify the body as his head was mangled beyond recognition and the police still haven’t found his dick. The government has announced that it is to pay entertainment workers who who’ve been locked down for the best part of two years the princely sum of 5000 baht in compensation. Bet the girls from the high-end go go’s are wetting themselves in anticipation. Finally, we reported last month that Sky Mountain bar in South Pattaya was still partying away with live music, booze and shisha despite being raided no less than four times for breaching Covid regulations. Well, they’ve been raided for a fifth time for the same offences and also for not being licenced and for beating up customers. And guess what – they’re still open. Maybe the President of the USA isn’t the most powerful man in the world after all. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all. be seeing you monkeyman

Thanks for that. It isn't easy to write about what's happening in Pattaya when pretty much nothing is happening. Hopefully, planeloads of funny stories will be heading back to Thailand before too long.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to the great reopening that never was. As predicted, the whole story was a load of old crap and now we’re being told it’s going to be January 16… or not. Oh well, onward and downward. Well, TAT has published its ideas for a new post-lockdown no-sex “quality tourist” focused Pattaya, so there’s only one thing left to do now. Open the hangar doors and get the pigs onto the runway. Over the years and around the world, it’s been demonstrated time and time again that trying to socially engineer tourist destinations is an exercise in futility and an economic disaster. But that won’t bother TAT, they’ll be too busy polishing turds and putting lipstick on pigs. Maybe one day they’ll realise that successful tourism is about giving people what they want and not what TAT thinks they should have. Silly buggers. It’s been reported that police found 12 drunk drivers at the Pattaya Music Festival. Even by Pattaya standards, it’s a pretty poor crowd for an event like that. They really should try to get some better acts next year. Several arrests were made during Loy Krathong after a number of the floating boats were found to contain illegal immigrants. The immigrants claimed they’d got lost while trying to cross the English Channel and are expected to be re-floated towards Britain in the next few weeks using a procedure known as “The French Solution.” Is J K Rowling barred from here as well? As promised, we bring you news of yet another bar that’s burned to the ground, namely the Laser Pub on Sunee Plaza. Although evidence of foul play has yet to be discovered, one suspects that the insurance companies are every bit as keen for Pattaya to reopen as the tourists are. No news on the cause of the fire is expected anytime soon as the authorities still haven’t found out what caused the last one at Nashaa Club yet. Maybe they’re not trying too hard. In yet another attempt to boost tourism, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to host non-stop events until the end of the year. In the light of recent announcements about bar reopening dates, one would be tempted to think that they’re more likely to be non-start events. Walking Street and Soi Buakhao bar owners have petitioned City Hall about reopening on December 15, but unfortunately there’s bugger all they can do about it. A local Thai man was arrested last week on suspicion of wife-beating following a complaint to the police by his wife. He was asleep when they arrived so they gave him an alarm call with their batons and dragged him off to the slammer. He was duly charged with the crime, but as arrests have been a bit thin on the ground recently, they also charged him with murder, rape, looting and drug dealing. To make things even worse, BLM got to hear about the case and have accused him of cultural appropriation. So that would be Number One and Number Two then… Bar news now, and of course there still isn’t any, so this might be a good time to spread a little optimism by listing some of the places that have pledged to reopen once this lockdown lunacy is over. Among those who’ve declared so far are Beavers, Electric Blue, Dollhouse, Baccara, Windmill, Pin-Up, Sapphire, Sensations and Tahitian Queen. Feel free to post any more you know about. Even Secrets is reopening, though with a new name and maybe a new business model. Chin up chaps, it’s not all bad news – honest. Pattaya Bridge Club is seeking new premises as some of their more elderly members are having trouble negotiating the stairs at their current location. Funny, thought they’d all been sent to Guantanamo Bay after the boys in brown raided them for having too many packs of cards. The Thais must be going soft on organised crime. Echoes of times gone by now with a pair of old chestnuts from Monkeywatch in November 2011… “An Englishman was involved in what was described as “a battle with three transsexuals” on Pattaya Beach the Saturday before last. The British Consular Attaché, Drifford Bone, said “We may have to reconsider our position of promoting Pattaya as a family resort.” Pattaya has donated 50 boats to flood victims in Pathum Thani. Well, if any of them are jet skis they’d better be careful not to scratch them.” Pattaya is already making preparations for the return of Chinese tourists… Two people have been fined 2000 baht each for dumping garbage in Pattaya. Since when did they let the tour buses back in? Residents in South Pattaya have been supplementing their income by growing mushrooms and selling them to supplement their incomes during these hard times. Not sure what kind of mushrooms they’ve been growing, but a local authority inspector who was sent to make sure they were following regulations was later observed meandering up Beach Road telling people he was Colin the invisible monk. Finally, a word about the Sky Mountain bar, which has been raided no less than four times during the latest lockdown but is still partying away with live music, booze and shisha. We know some people have friends in high places but the owner of this bar must have a minor deity on the payroll. Let there be light (ale.) be seeing you monkeyman

That was indeed the case but it was subsequently dropped.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to the first rays of hope as Pattaya finally starts preparing to rise like a penis from the ashes. Let’s hope the Viagra works. The main news is, of course, the proposed reopening of entertainment venues (with alcohol!) from December 1. Nuff said. Bet the pigs are already practising their formation flying. Thailand plans to boost its economic recovery by attracting one million “quality tourists” (here we go again) by the first quarter of 2022. They reckon that they’ve learned from past mistakes and will be going for quality rather than quantity of tourists. This is pretty much word for word what they said a few years back and it resulted in a tsunami of penniless stinking pigs who slept ten to a room and drank five to a beer. What was that definition of madness again? A Thai woman has been arrested for what has been described as a 47 million baht face mask fraud. Serves her right, bloody swindler. You can get one much cheaper than that if you shop around. Work has finally been completed on the luxury accommodation for the new breed of quality tourist… Residents living near the Soi Siam Country Club are so pissed off with the traffic chaos being caused by the laying of new drainage pipes that they’re demanding the work be finished immediately, even though it isn’t due for completion until 2023. Their complaint was handled in the traditional Thai manner by the contractor’s Customer Relations Officer, who told them they could “go fuck themselves.” An elderly Pattaya woman whose house has been flooded for more than a month has finally had her problem addressed by local officials – they’ve provided her with a dinghy. A representative apologised for the delay, which he said was caused by the late arrival of a consignment of dinghies from Britain. Apparently, manpower shortages meant it took longer than usual for the Brit authorities to collect them up from the South Coast beaches. Thai taxi drivers are now entitled to have free partitions installed in their cabs to prevent Covid transmission. A spokesman for the taxi drivers said “This is just what we need to protect us from the stinking pigs in the back of the cab.” A spokesman for the tourism sector said “This is just what we need to protect us from the stinking pigs in the front of the cab.” Sounds like everybody’s happy. Not to be outdone by Phuket’s sandbox… Bar news time, and we all wait with baited breath to see exactly what happens in December. Will the bars open? Which bars will open? Will there be any restrictions in place? Why am I asking you? (apologies to Hedley Lamarr.) Workmen have been busy on the streets of Pattaya painting new lines on the roads and erecting new traffic signs as “it will improve traffic safety in the city.” Good to see they haven’t lost their sense of humour. Back to the roots now with a trilogy of vintage tales from Monkeywatch in October 2011… “The crocodiles at the Million Year Stone Park took advantage of flood damage to their enclosure and staged another mass breakout. Not a comforting thought when you’re wading through floodwater up to your waist. The park are offering 5000 baht per crocodile to anyone who can find one, though it remains unclear whether you have to catch it and take it back to the park to claim your reward. The chairman of the park sought to reassure the public by adding that the crocodiles are farmed rather than wild, but this may just mean that they have better table manners when they eat you. Some reports said they were actually alligators, though if one of the buggers is having you for supper, the difference is probably fairly academic. Provincial Police raided Mike Shopping Mall last week and walked off with 100,000 baht’s worth of counterfeit goods. You’ve got to hand it to the boys in brown, they sure know how to negotiate a discount. Members of the public were amazingly uninjured when a car drove straight through the front of a barber’s shop, demolishing a mobile noodle shop on its way (it’s probably not so mobile now). The driver claimed to have mistaken the premises for a drive-through barber’s shop, though it seems more likely to have been a revenge attack for a bad haircut.” Foreigners arriving in Pattaya will still be required to isolate for 24 hours in designated places of accommodation. These are the ones for budget tourists… A Chinese chap and his Thai girlfriend have been arrested in Pattaya for allegedly transporting illegal drugs out of the country. So what’s the problem then? If everybody did this then Thailand’s drug problem would vanish altogether. You see, they just don’t think things through. A local electric authority worker was injured late the other evening when he crashed his truck into one of his own power poles. Silly bugger. Police believe that he may have fallen asleep on the job, a theory later corroborated by his wife. Three Beach Road deckchair vendors have had their licences suspended after they were involved in a brawl over a carload of potential customers that had the misfortune to park near to their patches. The ‘customers’ fled in panic, but not before one of them had a deckchair smashed in his face and another had a beach umbrella thrust up his left nostril. After all that, it turned out that they weren’t going to the beach anyway. You can see why they call it “living the dream.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all once again, and welcome to more lockdown lunacy, where we can only dream of the time when this is all over and we can return to those halcyon days of social distancing at minus 6 inches (or minus 2 inches if you’re Japanese.) In further pursuance of their disastrous Covid policy, Pattaya has decided to continue with the 9pm curfew and the alcohol ban in restaurants, at least until a decision is taken on whether the city can reopen in November. “Reopening” in this case would seem to involve the lucky visitors being under house arrest in their hotels for the first three days, followed by four days when they’ll be allowed to go once round the block under government supervision, and a further week when they can visit “family-friendly sites” (so probably not many go go’s then), again under close government supervision. By the way, to be able to enjoy this return to freedom you’ll need to be fully vaccinated. Bet you wish you hadn’t bothered now. A Thai woman has been arrested after performing what has been described as “drive-through sex acts.” One would imagine that, just like BDSM, you only really enjoy it if you’re in the right gear. People are beginning to wonder if there’ll be anything to reopen in Pattaya when the day finally arrives, as most of the bars seem to be up for sale or rent. We heard that someone tried to buy one of the bars with a crisp 100 baht note, but the owner didn’t have any change. Pattaya Police are on the lookout for a group of Arabians who breached the travel ban by somehow managing to fly into Pattaya without being detected… A pissed-up Thai had to be rescued after climbing a TV mast following a row with his wife. Exactly what he hoped to achieve remains unclear, though he was heard to say he always got a bad reception at ground level. This indeed proved to be true, as the moment he stepped back onto terra firma his wife whacked him round the back of the head with a frying pan. More than 700 Pattaya residents have been given “pandemic relief bags” to help them through the current hard times. One lucky recipient remarked “Very nice, but ideally we would’ve liked something inside them.” Reports are coming in that a tourist has been spotted on Pattaya Beach. Local authorities, however, remain sceptical, dismissing the sighting as either a weather balloon or a trick of the light. Following a spate of thefts on a small stretch of road in Pattaya, police have installed a security camera nearby to help apprehend the culprits… Bar news now, and we’ve actually got a story this month. Nashaa Club in Walking Street has burned to the ground. Anybody give a shit? Okay, as you were. Bar news will be back again when the next club goes up in flames. Thailand is reportedly taking measures to entice “foreigners of high potential” into visiting the country. However, as this phrase has traditionally translated as “stinking pigs”, we wait with interest to see what transpires. With the present so depressing, let’s have a look back at a couple of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in September 2011… “In another triumphant coup for the forces of law and order, police have smashed an illegal false teeth ring in Pattaya. Yep, no shit, they arrested a woman for making false teeth without a licence. The offence came to light after a dissatisfied customer complained about the quality of his dentures, though the police operation was delayed by several hours as they couldn’t make out what he was saying. A century old bridge collapsed in Sattahip the other week after the weight of a large truck loaded with salt proved to be too much for its aging foundations. Still, you have to be impressed with a Thai construction that outlasted its guarantee by 99 years.” A man trying to follow official advice to practise safe sex during the pandemic had to call for medical help after getting his dick stuck in the door… Experts are still investigating the reason why the Nashaa Club in Walking Street burned to the ground. According to a spokesman “It’s too early to be sure, but we think the place burned down because it caught fire.” A further statement is expected when more detailed investigations have been carried out. In another classic piece of Thai logic, they’re planning to reduce the price of wines, spirits and cigars to encourage rich foreign visitors to visit Thailand. Perhaps they should consider the possibility that lowering prices is more likely to attract poor visitors. Phuket has announced that land, sea and air entry restrictions will be lifted from October 1. Okay lads, may as well fill the tunnel in then. They’ve also started giving people booster Covid jabs using what they call the ‘under the skin’ vaccination method. Well it wouldn’t do much good on top of the skin, would it? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to all of you who are still out there, and welcome to another month of Covid-induced vacuum. Hell’s teeth, when will all this crap be over so there’s something to write about again? Well imagine our surprise, Pattaya won’t be reopening to tourists on September 1 after all, not that anyone would have come anyway as all the hotels, bars, clubs and restaurants will still be closed by order of HRH King Covid XIX. Meanwhile, local officials have abandoned their plans to hold a piss up in a brewery as they couldn’t find anyone to organise it. Meanwhile Thailand, which seems to think it’s still a global tourist destination, has introduced a ban on sunscreen in many areas as they reckon it damages the coral. So why would anyone put sunscreen on coral anyway? And do they have another plan for stopping the coral getting sunburn? Thai public health loonies are pressing for couples to be required to wear face masks and rubber gloves before engaging in bedroom romps, though this won’t be breaking any new ground for many bar girls who are used to indulging their customers’ little peccadilloes (or big ones, as the case may be.) Despite the lockdown, Pattaya’s annual underground blow football tournament is taking place as usual… The temple in Pattaya that’s offering free funerals for victims of Covid 19 has issued a statement making it clear that the funerals are only available to people who are actually dead, and they won’t accept bookings from people who want to get their names down “just in case.” Koh Larn has closed down for the third time. Christ, if they carry on like this then the all-time record set by Sakura Club 69 could be under serious threat. Police were called after a row between two Pattaya neighbours ended up with one of them having the outside of her house splattered with faeces. When questioned, the alleged perpetrator claimed “It isn’t fair. I always get blamed when the shit hits the fan.” Eco-friendly Pattaya has followed up its installation of electric car charging points with allocated parking bays for spacehoppers… No bars news again, and one can’t help but wonder how many will survive all this and how many will go the way of Honey, Spicy Girls, X-Zone, Catz, Club Boesche, Hooty’s, Living Dolls, Lipstick, Lion Club, Angelwitch, Tim Bar, FLB, Secrets, Misty’s, Babydolls, Coyotees, The Blues Factory and so many others that have come and gone over the years. The times they are a changin’ folks. The latest facelift of Beach Road (yes, another one) is finally under way and isn’t expected to be completed until the end of 2023. The innovative ideas on offer include removing the trees and replacing them with different trees, widening Beach Road (again) to four lanes at the expense of pedestrians, and underground rest rooms, though they’ll probably be used more for drowning than resting during the rainy season. Fortunately, demonstrators have managed to put a stop to this lunacy for the moment, but they’ll no doubt be bulldozed aside before long, probably literally. Well, when Thais are starving on the streets, what better way to spend 166 million baht? Back to the future now – no, sorry, forward to the past - with a duo of snippets from Monkeywatch in August 2011… “The Thai Navy are using Pattaya to test a new weapons targeting system which will save them money as the spare parts for it can be produced in Thailand. A Navy spokesman said “The public needn’t be worried by these tests as all the shells fired will pass harmlessly over Pattaya…well, most of them anyway”. Pattaya Police are to increase their efforts to stamp out illegal guns in the wake of the recently held election by setting up more checkpoints around the city. Actually, there’s a much easier way to combat illegal firearms – just issue all the criminals with gun permits.” Pattaya’s new tube system doesn’t seem to be living up to expectations… There’s been reports recently about expats being caught drinking “on the graveyard shift.” Does this mean Bamboo Bar has reopened? So-called staycations may not be as much fun as a trip to Thailand, but at least when you show your holiday snaps to the folks back home you don’t have to explain the symphony of tattoos, piercings and chewing gum that’s perched on your lap. Finally, there was a rather bizarre press report a couple of days ago concerning a drunk driver crashing into several cars and police having to call a locksmith to wake him up. Okay, so next time you’re in Pattaya and need an alarm call for your trip to the airport, don’t bother with hotel reception, just call the local locksmith. It could only happen in Thailand. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to a few more desperate stories from the pits that’s now Patts. Well, any punters who thought they were coming back to Pattaya anytime soon have had their dicks well and truly slammed in the door by the latest pronouncements from the Thai government. What with bars and clubs remaining closed, more masks around than during a Batman convention, and if you’ve got a high temperature you ain’t getting in anywhere, not even a supermarket. The bottom line is if you want to know what it’s like in a Thai prison, take a holiday in Thailand. Japan has donated over a million doses of vaccine to Thailand to help tackle the latest Covid wave. If the size of their doses is anything like the size of their condoms, they’ll be lucky to vaccinate more than a few hundred Thais with the entire consignment. Thailand’s electricity authority announced on July 13 that it will help households to get through the pandemic by delaying electricity bill payments until 2025. The official making the announcement added “It’s 1225 now so you’ve got another eight hours to pay before we send the boys in.” Not to be outdone by the Phuket sandbox… Hot on the heels of the latest Bangkok lockdown comes a “voluntary” 9pm curfew in Pattaya. It seems that this isn’t so much to protect local citizens from the virus as to protect them from “hordes of knuckle-scraping dregs from Bangkok piling into Pattaya and getting pissed as rats.” And of course, we all know what “voluntary” means in Thailand. A Pattaya undertaker is under investigation after being accused of overcharging his customers. He claimed he’d had to raise his prices because business was so bad (during a pandemic?) that he was having to supplement his income by running a takeaway service selling meat pies cooked in the local crematorium oven. However, he wasn’t too forthcoming about where he got the meat for his pies and they’re now undergoing forensic tests. Anyone for a takeaway? Thailand’s railway authority has decreed that passengers should no longer talk on trains “to help prevent the spread of Covid-19.” To help prevent the spread of anti-lockdown protests, more like. Rough translation “Keep Off The Grass”… Bar news next…oh, what’s the point? If Pattaya does reopen on September 1 (fat chance), let’s hope it goes better than Koh Samui’s attempt at a tourist revival. In the first week, they had a grand total of 20 visitors – and on closer inspection they all turned out to be not tourists but foreign media. That should give the local economy a shot in the arm, which is more than most of the population are getting at the moment. Pass through the time portal now with a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in July 2011… “Insurgents in Thailand may find it more difficult to make big bangs following the revelation that British Intelligence have hacked into a major terrorist website and replaced bomb making instructions with a recipe for cupcakes. A spokesman for the organisation said, “We thought it was time that the terrorists got their just desserts”, so we can at least be grateful that he went into espionage and not comedy. A Pattaya restaurant was completely destroyed yesterday after a huge explosion reduced it to matchwood. The cause of the blast has not yet been identified, though an eyewitness stated that it occurred shortly after a chef dropped a tray of cupcakes he’d just made using a recipe he found on the Internet.” The lack of tourists in Pattaya has led to McDonald’s downsizing… Brits have been gloating over the fact that they’re pretty well free of Covid restrictions while Thailand’s still locked down as tight as a gnat’s chuff. Yes boys, but a gnat’s chuff’s probably the only one you’re likely to see for the foreseeable future. After finding themselves trapped in Pattaya by the latest lockdown restrictions, an ageing Thai couple from Kanchanaburi have ended up living in a gas station. Well as the old saying goes, there’s no fuel like an old fuel. Perhaps the most encouraging story of the month was the German tourist who was robbed by a Beach Road freelancer on Soi 13. At long last, a small sign that things might be starting to return to some semblance of normality. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping calm and carrying on, and welcome to more overtures from the Land of Misery. The Thailand pandemic panic rumbles on, with the authorities still trying their best to scare the shit out of everyone, and they’re certainly succeeding in some cases. Now we’re all for taking sensible precautions but some people seem to be dressing up like they’re going on a day trip to Chernobyl. Pattaya’s favourite sport of balcony diving is under way again, with a young bloke plummeting to his doom from the fifth floor of an apartment block. Reports say he was only wearing a pair of boxers, though the size of the hole he made in the ground suggests the boxers in question may have been George Foreman and Joe Frazier. It seems that Thais in Pattaya are blaming the homeless for the spread of Covid. In fact, given that the virus spreads most readily indoors, the homeless are the last people they should be blaming. Silly buggers. The wearing of masks in Pattaya is nothing new, as witnessed by this photo taken six years ago. She must have had a premonition of the pandemic. Either that or somebody tipped her off that a coachload of “quality tourists” were headed in her direction… It’s been reported that an American has been arrested in Pattaya after rear-ending a parked car. Bloody pervert. A survey has shown that Thais are drinking less for both economic and health reasons. This follows guidance from the health authorities that people should restrict their daily intake to 28 bottles of beer or two bottles of whisky. In Thai terms, this is near monastic abstinence (especially if you’re clued up on the average monk’s drinking habits.) A Pattaya man has suffered a severe injury to his foot after an incident with a cement truck. Perhaps the local mafia were giving him a fitting for a new pair of boots. The local authority has decreed that people no longer need to socially distance as long as they’re wearing one of these… No bar news to report his month, so instead here’s a nostalgic look back at the very first one ever to appear. If you can guess the year, you can be the proud winner of absolutely nothing… “A few changes to report on the bar scene. K A Go Go has knocked another nail in the coffin of Soho Square by closing down, and Club Mirage in Soi Diamond is another recent casualty. Mind you, these little setbacks have been counterbalanced by the opening of Sin City A Go Go and the reopening of Sakura Club 69. As the old saying goes, you just can’t keep a good club down (or a bad one, apparently.)” A local Thai chap was taken to hospital with head injuries after jumping out of his car to get away from his wife’s constant nagging about him being unemployed. She’s now planning to take him on a plane trip. Let’s do the time warp again with a pair of creaky old tales from Monkeywatch in June 2011… “A South Pattaya pharmacy has been shut down by police after it was found to be selling unlicensed sex enhancement drugs. The offences came to light after a tourist discovered that the Viagra tablets he had bought from them were in fact laxative pills. “It was terrible” he told police “I didn’t know whether I was coming or going”. An English fellow was arrested by Pattaya Immigration Officers the other Tuesday after his shop on Third Road was raided and found to contain numerous sex toys illegal in Thailand, including a large quantity of rubber penises. The man claimed that they weren’t in fact penises but models of Prince William that he was hoping to sell to cash in on the British Royal Wedding.” Might have fewer accidents if he put it on the roof… Stray and abandoned dogs are being neutered by vets at a local temple in an attempt to keep their numbers down. Guess if you’re a canine, Pattaya definitely isn’t the dog’s bollocks. Work is under way to repair drainage pipes in South Pattaya after extensive leakages caused a side street to collapse. Pumps are being deployed to remove excess water while repairs are carried out. So they’re using pumps to get rid of flood water that’s leaked from the pipes that were installed so they wouldn’t need to use pumps any more. No doubt the water from the pumps will be diverted into more pipes that will probably leak as well. Ah well, it all makes work for the working man to do. Finally, there’s a glimmer of hope for the reopening of Pattaya after Phuket launches its cunning plan for the readmission of tourists, though with the number of restrictions they’ve put in place it’ll probably feel more like a prison sentence than a holiday. You’d probably get more freedom in Colditz now they’ve turned it into a hotel. Come to think of it, you’d probably get more freedom in Colditz if it was still a POW Camp. be seeing you monkeyman

Classic Bee Gees from the 1960s. Their best song ever IMO.