monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another year, and welcome to yet another lap of the lockdown lunacy race. As predicted, the reopening of entertainment venues in Pattaya has been postponed yet again due to the usual mindless hysteria, though bars licenced as restaurants can continue to serve alcohol, but only until 11pm. This is of course necessary to control the outbreak of Omicron and its much more deadly variant, the common cold. There’s also a rumour that go go’s will be allowed to reopen as long as the dancers work from home. Chinese-Thais in Pattaya are reportedly offering coffins to ward off bad luck. Strange behaviour – one would’ve thought if you needed a coffin, the chances of your luck changing for the better would be pretty slim. The jumping season took a new twist this month after a Ruskie plummeted to his doom from no less than the roof of Pattaya police station. The police immediately rushed outside and arrested him for not wearing a face mask. A number of bars have already responded to a new Covid directive to improve their ventilation… As if Pattaya didn’t have enough problems already, they’ve now got a new one – shrine dumping. East Pattaya residents have been complaining that people have been dumping their unwanted shrines along their road and causing anger in the spirit world. So why would anyone have an unwanted shrine? Have they converted to Islam? Apparently, some of them appear to have been broken, though one imagines it would take some pretty vigorous worshipping to cause any appreciable damage. Anyway, the locals have employed an exorcist named Mor Pla Ghostbuster as they reckon he sounds like the right man to rid them of the angry spirits. Sounds more like a loony to us. Police thought they were being clever the other night when they got a locksmith to break into a lock-in bar party so they could carry out a raid. Unfortunately for them, the revellers all left via a back door, locked it behind them, then went round the front and locked the police inside. The lock-in party thus became a lock-out party and the police remained trapped inside as they’d already sent the locksmith home. Don’t you just love a story with a happy ending? In a bit of news that will gladden the hearts of the ladies on Beach Road, the government has announced it’s introducing financial security packages for freelancers. For a modest monthly outlay, the National Savings Fund will offer them various benefits such as health insurance and a pension plan, the latter of which may be of considerable interest to some of the ladies working Beach Road nowadays. Oh, whatever happened to the moist young slappettes of days gone by? First we had Mini Siam, and now, Mini Stonehenge… Bar news now, and needless to say there’s rather less than we were hoping for. Some good news and bad news regarding Pattaya Beer Garden. The good news is that it’ll be reopening as soon as possible, and the bad news is that you’ll all have to sit on the floor as the furniture has been eaten by termites during the lockdown. If it tastes that good perhaps they should put it on the menu – just choose your words carefully when booking a table for dinner. For some reason, it’s been announced that Thailand has frozen chicken prices. Well of course they do. You can’t expect to get frozen chickens for free, can you? Waft yourself back in time now with a pair of historical scribblings from Monkeywatch in January 2012… “A fat bloke fell off his stool and died in a Pattaya bar last Tuesday after getting pissed as a rat. The bar was holding its weekly talent contest at the time and he won first prize for his startlingly accurate impression of Oliver Reed. The spate of arrests on Beach Road in the early hours produced an interesting statistic last week when three nightly raids on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday netted 58, 57 and 58 miscreants. Guess one of them must have the day off on Thursdays.” The old bags are already returning to Beach Road… The British royal family has been humiliated yet again following a newspaper story that Prince Andrew has in the past been seen frequenting a number of Thai go go bars. The manager of one of the bars in question told a reporter “I was amazed to see the Prince here.” Doubt if anyone else was. A regular punter added “You certainly wouldn’t get a member of the Thai royal family in a place like this.” That’s probably true. Most of the go go bars we know won’t let Thais in either. The mayor of Pattaya has apologised for the state of the city’s sidewalks, most notably Central Road, after the problem was highlighted on national media. Apparently, contractors were paid 28 million baht to look after the sidewalks but did a runner. Probably the same lot who were paid to bury the overhead cables and responded by ripping them down and chucking them into an open grave. Finally, the Thai government has agreed to hand out 1.4 billion baht to help people with the rising cost of living. Wonder if that includes barfines? be seeing you monkeyman

This is amazing - and they haven't even got a keyboard.

Yes, it makes a nice snack before you go to bed.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once again, and welcome to our land of wonder and Christmas magic – and disease, lockdowns and booze bans. The baby Jesus would’ve been spitting feathers if this had happened in Bethlehem. On with the show. Pattaya has announced that it’s fully prepared for the arrival of tourists during the upcoming holiday season. Guess there must be at least one hotel open then. Electric baht buses are to be introduced in Pattaya next year to improve the air quality in the region. Perhaps certain countries could help contribute to this goal by sending electric tourists in future instead of the usual herd of stinking pigs they inflict on us. It’s been revealed that Pattaya railway station currently has more used condoms than passengers. This comes as something of a surprise given that there are normally two people involved in the use of a condom. Someone also quipped that some bars have more cockroaches than customers, though it’s also been observed that in some bars there’s very little difference between the two. Delays caused by Pattaya workers having to self–isolate has resulted in some tourists arriving to find that their hotel rooms aren’t quite ready… Arrests were made at a Thai “restaurant” in Pattaya after customers were found to be dancing and drinking alcohol after midnight. The owners denied that the place wasn’t really a restaurant, but admitted that his argument was somewhat weakened by the fact that there wasn’t a scrap of food to be found on the premises. A holidaymaker who claimed he was just following government advice to protect himself during the pandemic has demanded that the police return his assault rifle and grenades. In an exciting bit of news for the incontinent, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to have a brand new shithouse at Bali Hai Pier. It’s not all good news though, as you’ll have to pay to use it, though this isn’t of course anything new to people who patronise the bar scene. At least they probably won’t have those chappies hanging around by the washbasins offering you what the Brits used to call a “wash and brush up” but if they do, just take the wash and run for it. Covid laws now require baht bus passengers to wear additional protective gear… Bar news now, and the booze is flowing again as the beer bars in Pattaya have suddenly transformed themselves into restaurants, including those without kitchens – or food. No matter as long as they have restaurant licences, which are now being thrown about like confetti. Looks like the genie and the booze are both finally out of the bottle. A Thai fellow came up with a new type of lockdown last week after getting his dick stuck in a padlock. It took emergency services a considerable amount of time to extricate him from his plight using what was diplomatically described as “specialist equipment.” This is apparently the second such incident this year. Some people just don’t seem to be able to grasp how to practice safe sex. Relax and float downstream now as we revisit a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in December 2011… “A petrol pump attendant was apprehended by police last Friday night after being caught spying on a woman while she was using the toilet at a petrol station in Jomtien. It’s been pointed out that female cleaners in Thailand do this all the time in men’s toilets, though to be fair they don’t normally climb up the side of the cubicle and look over the top as in this case. There was a bit of an altercation at a Central Pattaya restaurant on Wednesday when three men verbally abused the owner and then assaulted him. The reason for the attack remains unclear, though a witness said that one of the men had visited the restaurant the previous week and complained about his meal, at which point the Customer Services Manager had hit him in the face with a frozen chicken.” It’s probably as many as they need these days… Pattaya police are hunting a hit and run driver who killed a Thai bloke who’d got out of his car to take a piss by the roadside. They managed to trace the victim’s wife but she’s not been able to positively identify the body as his head was mangled beyond recognition and the police still haven’t found his dick. The government has announced that it is to pay entertainment workers who who’ve been locked down for the best part of two years the princely sum of 5000 baht in compensation. Bet the girls from the high-end go go’s are wetting themselves in anticipation. Finally, we reported last month that Sky Mountain bar in South Pattaya was still partying away with live music, booze and shisha despite being raided no less than four times for breaching Covid regulations. Well, they’ve been raided for a fifth time for the same offences and also for not being licenced and for beating up customers. And guess what – they’re still open. Maybe the President of the USA isn’t the most powerful man in the world after all. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all. be seeing you monkeyman

Thanks for that. It isn't easy to write about what's happening in Pattaya when pretty much nothing is happening. Hopefully, planeloads of funny stories will be heading back to Thailand before too long.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to the great reopening that never was. As predicted, the whole story was a load of old crap and now we’re being told it’s going to be January 16… or not. Oh well, onward and downward. Well, TAT has published its ideas for a new post-lockdown no-sex “quality tourist” focused Pattaya, so there’s only one thing left to do now. Open the hangar doors and get the pigs onto the runway. Over the years and around the world, it’s been demonstrated time and time again that trying to socially engineer tourist destinations is an exercise in futility and an economic disaster. But that won’t bother TAT, they’ll be too busy polishing turds and putting lipstick on pigs. Maybe one day they’ll realise that successful tourism is about giving people what they want and not what TAT thinks they should have. Silly buggers. It’s been reported that police found 12 drunk drivers at the Pattaya Music Festival. Even by Pattaya standards, it’s a pretty poor crowd for an event like that. They really should try to get some better acts next year. Several arrests were made during Loy Krathong after a number of the floating boats were found to contain illegal immigrants. The immigrants claimed they’d got lost while trying to cross the English Channel and are expected to be re-floated towards Britain in the next few weeks using a procedure known as “The French Solution.” Is J K Rowling barred from here as well? As promised, we bring you news of yet another bar that’s burned to the ground, namely the Laser Pub on Sunee Plaza. Although evidence of foul play has yet to be discovered, one suspects that the insurance companies are every bit as keen for Pattaya to reopen as the tourists are. No news on the cause of the fire is expected anytime soon as the authorities still haven’t found out what caused the last one at Nashaa Club yet. Maybe they’re not trying too hard. In yet another attempt to boost tourism, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to host non-stop events until the end of the year. In the light of recent announcements about bar reopening dates, one would be tempted to think that they’re more likely to be non-start events. Walking Street and Soi Buakhao bar owners have petitioned City Hall about reopening on December 15, but unfortunately there’s bugger all they can do about it. A local Thai man was arrested last week on suspicion of wife-beating following a complaint to the police by his wife. He was asleep when they arrived so they gave him an alarm call with their batons and dragged him off to the slammer. He was duly charged with the crime, but as arrests have been a bit thin on the ground recently, they also charged him with murder, rape, looting and drug dealing. To make things even worse, BLM got to hear about the case and have accused him of cultural appropriation. So that would be Number One and Number Two then… Bar news now, and of course there still isn’t any, so this might be a good time to spread a little optimism by listing some of the places that have pledged to reopen once this lockdown lunacy is over. Among those who’ve declared so far are Beavers, Electric Blue, Dollhouse, Baccara, Windmill, Pin-Up, Sapphire, Sensations and Tahitian Queen. Feel free to post any more you know about. Even Secrets is reopening, though with a new name and maybe a new business model. Chin up chaps, it’s not all bad news – honest. Pattaya Bridge Club is seeking new premises as some of their more elderly members are having trouble negotiating the stairs at their current location. Funny, thought they’d all been sent to Guantanamo Bay after the boys in brown raided them for having too many packs of cards. The Thais must be going soft on organised crime. Echoes of times gone by now with a pair of old chestnuts from Monkeywatch in November 2011… “An Englishman was involved in what was described as “a battle with three transsexuals” on Pattaya Beach the Saturday before last. The British Consular Attaché, Drifford Bone, said “We may have to reconsider our position of promoting Pattaya as a family resort.” Pattaya has donated 50 boats to flood victims in Pathum Thani. Well, if any of them are jet skis they’d better be careful not to scratch them.” Pattaya is already making preparations for the return of Chinese tourists… Two people have been fined 2000 baht each for dumping garbage in Pattaya. Since when did they let the tour buses back in? Residents in South Pattaya have been supplementing their income by growing mushrooms and selling them to supplement their incomes during these hard times. Not sure what kind of mushrooms they’ve been growing, but a local authority inspector who was sent to make sure they were following regulations was later observed meandering up Beach Road telling people he was Colin the invisible monk. Finally, a word about the Sky Mountain bar, which has been raided no less than four times during the latest lockdown but is still partying away with live music, booze and shisha. We know some people have friends in high places but the owner of this bar must have a minor deity on the payroll. Let there be light (ale.) be seeing you monkeyman

That was indeed the case but it was subsequently dropped.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to the first rays of hope as Pattaya finally starts preparing to rise like a penis from the ashes. Let’s hope the Viagra works. The main news is, of course, the proposed reopening of entertainment venues (with alcohol!) from December 1. Nuff said. Bet the pigs are already practising their formation flying. Thailand plans to boost its economic recovery by attracting one million “quality tourists” (here we go again) by the first quarter of 2022. They reckon that they’ve learned from past mistakes and will be going for quality rather than quantity of tourists. This is pretty much word for word what they said a few years back and it resulted in a tsunami of penniless stinking pigs who slept ten to a room and drank five to a beer. What was that definition of madness again? A Thai woman has been arrested for what has been described as a 47 million baht face mask fraud. Serves her right, bloody swindler. You can get one much cheaper than that if you shop around. Work has finally been completed on the luxury accommodation for the new breed of quality tourist… Residents living near the Soi Siam Country Club are so pissed off with the traffic chaos being caused by the laying of new drainage pipes that they’re demanding the work be finished immediately, even though it isn’t due for completion until 2023. Their complaint was handled in the traditional Thai manner by the contractor’s Customer Relations Officer, who told them they could “go fuck themselves.” An elderly Pattaya woman whose house has been flooded for more than a month has finally had her problem addressed by local officials – they’ve provided her with a dinghy. A representative apologised for the delay, which he said was caused by the late arrival of a consignment of dinghies from Britain. Apparently, manpower shortages meant it took longer than usual for the Brit authorities to collect them up from the South Coast beaches. Thai taxi drivers are now entitled to have free partitions installed in their cabs to prevent Covid transmission. A spokesman for the taxi drivers said “This is just what we need to protect us from the stinking pigs in the back of the cab.” A spokesman for the tourism sector said “This is just what we need to protect us from the stinking pigs in the front of the cab.” Sounds like everybody’s happy. Not to be outdone by Phuket’s sandbox… Bar news time, and we all wait with baited breath to see exactly what happens in December. Will the bars open? Which bars will open? Will there be any restrictions in place? Why am I asking you? (apologies to Hedley Lamarr.) Workmen have been busy on the streets of Pattaya painting new lines on the roads and erecting new traffic signs as “it will improve traffic safety in the city.” Good to see they haven’t lost their sense of humour. Back to the roots now with a trilogy of vintage tales from Monkeywatch in October 2011… “The crocodiles at the Million Year Stone Park took advantage of flood damage to their enclosure and staged another mass breakout. Not a comforting thought when you’re wading through floodwater up to your waist. The park are offering 5000 baht per crocodile to anyone who can find one, though it remains unclear whether you have to catch it and take it back to the park to claim your reward. The chairman of the park sought to reassure the public by adding that the crocodiles are farmed rather than wild, but this may just mean that they have better table manners when they eat you. Some reports said they were actually alligators, though if one of the buggers is having you for supper, the difference is probably fairly academic. Provincial Police raided Mike Shopping Mall last week and walked off with 100,000 baht’s worth of counterfeit goods. You’ve got to hand it to the boys in brown, they sure know how to negotiate a discount. Members of the public were amazingly uninjured when a car drove straight through the front of a barber’s shop, demolishing a mobile noodle shop on its way (it’s probably not so mobile now). The driver claimed to have mistaken the premises for a drive-through barber’s shop, though it seems more likely to have been a revenge attack for a bad haircut.” Foreigners arriving in Pattaya will still be required to isolate for 24 hours in designated places of accommodation. These are the ones for budget tourists… A Chinese chap and his Thai girlfriend have been arrested in Pattaya for allegedly transporting illegal drugs out of the country. So what’s the problem then? If everybody did this then Thailand’s drug problem would vanish altogether. You see, they just don’t think things through. A local electric authority worker was injured late the other evening when he crashed his truck into one of his own power poles. Silly bugger. Police believe that he may have fallen asleep on the job, a theory later corroborated by his wife. Three Beach Road deckchair vendors have had their licences suspended after they were involved in a brawl over a carload of potential customers that had the misfortune to park near to their patches. The ‘customers’ fled in panic, but not before one of them had a deckchair smashed in his face and another had a beach umbrella thrust up his left nostril. After all that, it turned out that they weren’t going to the beach anyway. You can see why they call it “living the dream.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all once again, and welcome to more lockdown lunacy, where we can only dream of the time when this is all over and we can return to those halcyon days of social distancing at minus 6 inches (or minus 2 inches if you’re Japanese.) In further pursuance of their disastrous Covid policy, Pattaya has decided to continue with the 9pm curfew and the alcohol ban in restaurants, at least until a decision is taken on whether the city can reopen in November. “Reopening” in this case would seem to involve the lucky visitors being under house arrest in their hotels for the first three days, followed by four days when they’ll be allowed to go once round the block under government supervision, and a further week when they can visit “family-friendly sites” (so probably not many go go’s then), again under close government supervision. By the way, to be able to enjoy this return to freedom you’ll need to be fully vaccinated. Bet you wish you hadn’t bothered now. A Thai woman has been arrested after performing what has been described as “drive-through sex acts.” One would imagine that, just like BDSM, you only really enjoy it if you’re in the right gear. People are beginning to wonder if there’ll be anything to reopen in Pattaya when the day finally arrives, as most of the bars seem to be up for sale or rent. We heard that someone tried to buy one of the bars with a crisp 100 baht note, but the owner didn’t have any change. Pattaya Police are on the lookout for a group of Arabians who breached the travel ban by somehow managing to fly into Pattaya without being detected… A pissed-up Thai had to be rescued after climbing a TV mast following a row with his wife. Exactly what he hoped to achieve remains unclear, though he was heard to say he always got a bad reception at ground level. This indeed proved to be true, as the moment he stepped back onto terra firma his wife whacked him round the back of the head with a frying pan. More than 700 Pattaya residents have been given “pandemic relief bags” to help them through the current hard times. One lucky recipient remarked “Very nice, but ideally we would’ve liked something inside them.” Reports are coming in that a tourist has been spotted on Pattaya Beach. Local authorities, however, remain sceptical, dismissing the sighting as either a weather balloon or a trick of the light. Following a spate of thefts on a small stretch of road in Pattaya, police have installed a security camera nearby to help apprehend the culprits… Bar news now, and we’ve actually got a story this month. Nashaa Club in Walking Street has burned to the ground. Anybody give a shit? Okay, as you were. Bar news will be back again when the next club goes up in flames. Thailand is reportedly taking measures to entice “foreigners of high potential” into visiting the country. However, as this phrase has traditionally translated as “stinking pigs”, we wait with interest to see what transpires. With the present so depressing, let’s have a look back at a couple of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in September 2011… “In another triumphant coup for the forces of law and order, police have smashed an illegal false teeth ring in Pattaya. Yep, no shit, they arrested a woman for making false teeth without a licence. The offence came to light after a dissatisfied customer complained about the quality of his dentures, though the police operation was delayed by several hours as they couldn’t make out what he was saying. A century old bridge collapsed in Sattahip the other week after the weight of a large truck loaded with salt proved to be too much for its aging foundations. Still, you have to be impressed with a Thai construction that outlasted its guarantee by 99 years.” A man trying to follow official advice to practise safe sex during the pandemic had to call for medical help after getting his dick stuck in the door… Experts are still investigating the reason why the Nashaa Club in Walking Street burned to the ground. According to a spokesman “It’s too early to be sure, but we think the place burned down because it caught fire.” A further statement is expected when more detailed investigations have been carried out. In another classic piece of Thai logic, they’re planning to reduce the price of wines, spirits and cigars to encourage rich foreign visitors to visit Thailand. Perhaps they should consider the possibility that lowering prices is more likely to attract poor visitors. Phuket has announced that land, sea and air entry restrictions will be lifted from October 1. Okay lads, may as well fill the tunnel in then. They’ve also started giving people booster Covid jabs using what they call the ‘under the skin’ vaccination method. Well it wouldn’t do much good on top of the skin, would it? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to all of you who are still out there, and welcome to another month of Covid-induced vacuum. Hell’s teeth, when will all this crap be over so there’s something to write about again? Well imagine our surprise, Pattaya won’t be reopening to tourists on September 1 after all, not that anyone would have come anyway as all the hotels, bars, clubs and restaurants will still be closed by order of HRH King Covid XIX. Meanwhile, local officials have abandoned their plans to hold a piss up in a brewery as they couldn’t find anyone to organise it. Meanwhile Thailand, which seems to think it’s still a global tourist destination, has introduced a ban on sunscreen in many areas as they reckon it damages the coral. So why would anyone put sunscreen on coral anyway? And do they have another plan for stopping the coral getting sunburn? Thai public health loonies are pressing for couples to be required to wear face masks and rubber gloves before engaging in bedroom romps, though this won’t be breaking any new ground for many bar girls who are used to indulging their customers’ little peccadilloes (or big ones, as the case may be.) Despite the lockdown, Pattaya’s annual underground blow football tournament is taking place as usual… The temple in Pattaya that’s offering free funerals for victims of Covid 19 has issued a statement making it clear that the funerals are only available to people who are actually dead, and they won’t accept bookings from people who want to get their names down “just in case.” Koh Larn has closed down for the third time. Christ, if they carry on like this then the all-time record set by Sakura Club 69 could be under serious threat. Police were called after a row between two Pattaya neighbours ended up with one of them having the outside of her house splattered with faeces. When questioned, the alleged perpetrator claimed “It isn’t fair. I always get blamed when the shit hits the fan.” Eco-friendly Pattaya has followed up its installation of electric car charging points with allocated parking bays for spacehoppers… No bars news again, and one can’t help but wonder how many will survive all this and how many will go the way of Honey, Spicy Girls, X-Zone, Catz, Club Boesche, Hooty’s, Living Dolls, Lipstick, Lion Club, Angelwitch, Tim Bar, FLB, Secrets, Misty’s, Babydolls, Coyotees, The Blues Factory and so many others that have come and gone over the years. The times they are a changin’ folks. The latest facelift of Beach Road (yes, another one) is finally under way and isn’t expected to be completed until the end of 2023. The innovative ideas on offer include removing the trees and replacing them with different trees, widening Beach Road (again) to four lanes at the expense of pedestrians, and underground rest rooms, though they’ll probably be used more for drowning than resting during the rainy season. Fortunately, demonstrators have managed to put a stop to this lunacy for the moment, but they’ll no doubt be bulldozed aside before long, probably literally. Well, when Thais are starving on the streets, what better way to spend 166 million baht? Back to the future now – no, sorry, forward to the past - with a duo of snippets from Monkeywatch in August 2011… “The Thai Navy are using Pattaya to test a new weapons targeting system which will save them money as the spare parts for it can be produced in Thailand. A Navy spokesman said “The public needn’t be worried by these tests as all the shells fired will pass harmlessly over Pattaya…well, most of them anyway”. Pattaya Police are to increase their efforts to stamp out illegal guns in the wake of the recently held election by setting up more checkpoints around the city. Actually, there’s a much easier way to combat illegal firearms – just issue all the criminals with gun permits.” Pattaya’s new tube system doesn’t seem to be living up to expectations… There’s been reports recently about expats being caught drinking “on the graveyard shift.” Does this mean Bamboo Bar has reopened? So-called staycations may not be as much fun as a trip to Thailand, but at least when you show your holiday snaps to the folks back home you don’t have to explain the symphony of tattoos, piercings and chewing gum that’s perched on your lap. Finally, there was a rather bizarre press report a couple of days ago concerning a drunk driver crashing into several cars and police having to call a locksmith to wake him up. Okay, so next time you’re in Pattaya and need an alarm call for your trip to the airport, don’t bother with hotel reception, just call the local locksmith. It could only happen in Thailand. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to a few more desperate stories from the pits that’s now Patts. Well, any punters who thought they were coming back to Pattaya anytime soon have had their dicks well and truly slammed in the door by the latest pronouncements from the Thai government. What with bars and clubs remaining closed, more masks around than during a Batman convention, and if you’ve got a high temperature you ain’t getting in anywhere, not even a supermarket. The bottom line is if you want to know what it’s like in a Thai prison, take a holiday in Thailand. Japan has donated over a million doses of vaccine to Thailand to help tackle the latest Covid wave. If the size of their doses is anything like the size of their condoms, they’ll be lucky to vaccinate more than a few hundred Thais with the entire consignment. Thailand’s electricity authority announced on July 13 that it will help households to get through the pandemic by delaying electricity bill payments until 2025. The official making the announcement added “It’s 1225 now so you’ve got another eight hours to pay before we send the boys in.” Not to be outdone by the Phuket sandbox… Hot on the heels of the latest Bangkok lockdown comes a “voluntary” 9pm curfew in Pattaya. It seems that this isn’t so much to protect local citizens from the virus as to protect them from “hordes of knuckle-scraping dregs from Bangkok piling into Pattaya and getting pissed as rats.” And of course, we all know what “voluntary” means in Thailand. A Pattaya undertaker is under investigation after being accused of overcharging his customers. He claimed he’d had to raise his prices because business was so bad (during a pandemic?) that he was having to supplement his income by running a takeaway service selling meat pies cooked in the local crematorium oven. However, he wasn’t too forthcoming about where he got the meat for his pies and they’re now undergoing forensic tests. Anyone for a takeaway? Thailand’s railway authority has decreed that passengers should no longer talk on trains “to help prevent the spread of Covid-19.” To help prevent the spread of anti-lockdown protests, more like. Rough translation “Keep Off The Grass”… Bar news next…oh, what’s the point? If Pattaya does reopen on September 1 (fat chance), let’s hope it goes better than Koh Samui’s attempt at a tourist revival. In the first week, they had a grand total of 20 visitors – and on closer inspection they all turned out to be not tourists but foreign media. That should give the local economy a shot in the arm, which is more than most of the population are getting at the moment. Pass through the time portal now with a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in July 2011… “Insurgents in Thailand may find it more difficult to make big bangs following the revelation that British Intelligence have hacked into a major terrorist website and replaced bomb making instructions with a recipe for cupcakes. A spokesman for the organisation said, “We thought it was time that the terrorists got their just desserts”, so we can at least be grateful that he went into espionage and not comedy. A Pattaya restaurant was completely destroyed yesterday after a huge explosion reduced it to matchwood. The cause of the blast has not yet been identified, though an eyewitness stated that it occurred shortly after a chef dropped a tray of cupcakes he’d just made using a recipe he found on the Internet.” The lack of tourists in Pattaya has led to McDonald’s downsizing… Brits have been gloating over the fact that they’re pretty well free of Covid restrictions while Thailand’s still locked down as tight as a gnat’s chuff. Yes boys, but a gnat’s chuff’s probably the only one you’re likely to see for the foreseeable future. After finding themselves trapped in Pattaya by the latest lockdown restrictions, an ageing Thai couple from Kanchanaburi have ended up living in a gas station. Well as the old saying goes, there’s no fuel like an old fuel. Perhaps the most encouraging story of the month was the German tourist who was robbed by a Beach Road freelancer on Soi 13. At long last, a small sign that things might be starting to return to some semblance of normality. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping calm and carrying on, and welcome to more overtures from the Land of Misery. The Thailand pandemic panic rumbles on, with the authorities still trying their best to scare the shit out of everyone, and they’re certainly succeeding in some cases. Now we’re all for taking sensible precautions but some people seem to be dressing up like they’re going on a day trip to Chernobyl. Pattaya’s favourite sport of balcony diving is under way again, with a young bloke plummeting to his doom from the fifth floor of an apartment block. Reports say he was only wearing a pair of boxers, though the size of the hole he made in the ground suggests the boxers in question may have been George Foreman and Joe Frazier. It seems that Thais in Pattaya are blaming the homeless for the spread of Covid. In fact, given that the virus spreads most readily indoors, the homeless are the last people they should be blaming. Silly buggers. The wearing of masks in Pattaya is nothing new, as witnessed by this photo taken six years ago. She must have had a premonition of the pandemic. Either that or somebody tipped her off that a coachload of “quality tourists” were headed in her direction… It’s been reported that an American has been arrested in Pattaya after rear-ending a parked car. Bloody pervert. A survey has shown that Thais are drinking less for both economic and health reasons. This follows guidance from the health authorities that people should restrict their daily intake to 28 bottles of beer or two bottles of whisky. In Thai terms, this is near monastic abstinence (especially if you’re clued up on the average monk’s drinking habits.) A Pattaya man has suffered a severe injury to his foot after an incident with a cement truck. Perhaps the local mafia were giving him a fitting for a new pair of boots. The local authority has decreed that people no longer need to socially distance as long as they’re wearing one of these… No bar news to report his month, so instead here’s a nostalgic look back at the very first one ever to appear. If you can guess the year, you can be the proud winner of absolutely nothing… “A few changes to report on the bar scene. K A Go Go has knocked another nail in the coffin of Soho Square by closing down, and Club Mirage in Soi Diamond is another recent casualty. Mind you, these little setbacks have been counterbalanced by the opening of Sin City A Go Go and the reopening of Sakura Club 69. As the old saying goes, you just can’t keep a good club down (or a bad one, apparently.)” A local Thai chap was taken to hospital with head injuries after jumping out of his car to get away from his wife’s constant nagging about him being unemployed. She’s now planning to take him on a plane trip. Let’s do the time warp again with a pair of creaky old tales from Monkeywatch in June 2011… “A South Pattaya pharmacy has been shut down by police after it was found to be selling unlicensed sex enhancement drugs. The offences came to light after a tourist discovered that the Viagra tablets he had bought from them were in fact laxative pills. “It was terrible” he told police “I didn’t know whether I was coming or going”. An English fellow was arrested by Pattaya Immigration Officers the other Tuesday after his shop on Third Road was raided and found to contain numerous sex toys illegal in Thailand, including a large quantity of rubber penises. The man claimed that they weren’t in fact penises but models of Prince William that he was hoping to sell to cash in on the British Royal Wedding.” Might have fewer accidents if he put it on the roof… Stray and abandoned dogs are being neutered by vets at a local temple in an attempt to keep their numbers down. Guess if you’re a canine, Pattaya definitely isn’t the dog’s bollocks. Work is under way to repair drainage pipes in South Pattaya after extensive leakages caused a side street to collapse. Pumps are being deployed to remove excess water while repairs are carried out. So they’re using pumps to get rid of flood water that’s leaked from the pipes that were installed so they wouldn’t need to use pumps any more. No doubt the water from the pumps will be diverted into more pipes that will probably leak as well. Ah well, it all makes work for the working man to do. Finally, there’s a glimmer of hope for the reopening of Pattaya after Phuket launches its cunning plan for the readmission of tourists, though with the number of restrictions they’ve put in place it’ll probably feel more like a prison sentence than a holiday. You’d probably get more freedom in Colditz now they’ve turned it into a hotel. Come to think of it, you’d probably get more freedom in Colditz if it was still a POW Camp. be seeing you monkeyman

Classic Bee Gees from the 1960s. Their best song ever IMO.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another month of Covid, so there’s bugger all to write about but nobody gives a shit as they won’t be back in Pattaya anytime soon. Well, let’s give it a go anyway. Four Thai men have been arrested by police for stealing metal drain covers, which they later confessed to doing in order to buy drugs. Police are now searching for drug dealers who accept drain covers as payment for their merchandise. The men were also given urine tests, though it remains unclear how this helped to progress the investigation. A 24 year old local chap whose car caught fire while he was allegedly driving to the bank has claimed that he lost a bag containing a million baht in the blazing inferno. He told police that he was driving to the bank to deposit the money when the car suddenly burst into flames and filled with smoke, at which point he managed to get out but was somehow unable to grab the bag next to him before making his exit. The car was then completely destroyed and the money incinerated. Police suggested to him that he should expand his vocabulary by acquainting himself with phrases such as “insurance fraud” and “wasting police time.” Local residents may be pleased to hear that the Central Festival Peace Concert has been rescheduled for 12 June after the original event was abandoned following scenes of rowdyism and brawling. With the return to normal getting ever closer, Thais are working flat out to get everything ready for the influx of tourists… Police have reported that a homeless Thai chap has been beaten by six youths. Guess he must have finished seventh then. The captain of a cargo ship in Chonburi has been arrested after a dead whale shark was discovered stuck to the front of his vessel. He is to be charged with illegal whaling as the only defence he was able to offer was that the shark must have shot a red light. Sounds like the bloke with the burning car has got some serious competition. The government has pledged to help with the Covid crisis by giving 2000 baht to every Thai in the country. Very nice, but they’d probably be happier if they got 2000 baht each. Pattaya sewage workers are threatening to strike after their request for better breathing apparatus was refused… Bar news now, and we begin with the surprise demise of Tim Bar – surprising because many of us thought it would go on forever. Is nothing sacred? Well we’ll miss it even if nobody else does. And a new place called Dove Club is opening on LK Metro in place of the deceased Ninja A Go Go, though it’ll probably have closed down again before anybody gets to see it. Following the installation of large numbers of security cameras around Pattaya, the police were alarmed to find that thefts actually increased by over 20 percent, though it turned out that this was mainly due to a large increase in thefts of security cameras (only 1000 baht each if you’re interested, but you didn’t read it here.) Take a trip in the Tardis now with a flash or two of Monkeywatch in May 2011… “Indian businessman Mr Deep Dudu will not now be naming his new Pattaya hotel the Syphilis Resort after colleagues persuaded him that it wasn’t a very good idea. Mr Dudu said he got the idea after seeing Big C and thinking that Thais must like to name their amenities after nasty diseases. It has finally been established that an Australian was kidnapped by police impersonators when he returned to his car after visiting a Pattaya market. This follows earlier incorrect reports that some policemen had been kidnapped by an Australian impersonator, an Australian policeman had been kidnapped by female impersonators, and an Australian police impersonator had kidnapped himself. You just can’t trust the press these days.” Now we know for sure that things can’t be as bad as they’re painted… Businesses in Pattaya have been warned that they won’t be seeing any Chinese or Indian tourists for the foreseeable future so in the short term they’ll have to rely on tourists from more traditional places such as Europe, the USA and Australia, along with a smattering of stinking pigs such as those usually found loitering around Soi 16 (Mohammed Alley). Happy days are here again? It’s been reported in local media that a Brit expat has died from “personal health issues.” Well he’d hardly have died from somebody else’s health issues, would he? Finally, City Hall has announced that Pattaya’s new pump station will be completed by the end of May. Bet it won’t be anything like the old one. be seeing you monkeyman MW180 Apr 21.docx

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to visit, and welcome to more dismal tales of Kung Flu City. Well, there’s been one or two minor changes in Pattaya this month. Like all the bars and clubs were shut down on April 9 by order of the local governor, who was allegedly described by one pundit as a “fucksplat” (what the hell does that mean?) Unsurprisingly, this has led to most of the hotels closing down as well. Happy days aren’t here again. According to the latest figures, Pattaya tourist numbers in January this year are down by 1% compared to the same time last year, so that isn’t too bad. Oh no, hang on, they aren’t down by 1%, they’re down to 1%. Now that is bad. Very bad. About as bad as being shot through the dick by a poisoned arrow with a deportation notice tied to it. So that would be very bad indeed then. However, looking on the bright side… well, we’ll get back to you later on that one. For the cunning linguists among you, Pattaya is now offering free Chinese lessons for anyone who’s interested. First indications are that there’s little enthusiasm for this amongst farangs, as most of them only have two words to say to Chinese tourists and they’re usually delivered in English. To help maintain hygiene standards, tourists visiting Pattaya are now required to build their own hotel rooms… A Pattaya bargirl has been arrested for engaging in “online prostitution”. Doesn’t really sound like a good idea to be honest. There’s a lot of things that can be done successfully online, but prostitution is definitely something that works better if both parties are in the same location. A local community group has raised 25,000 baht for a comatose Pattaya man in an attempt to revive him. When asked how they plan to accomplish the revival, a representative said “We’ll be using a traditional Thai method. We’re going to wave the money under his nose.” The estimate for this year’s tourist revenue is to be revised by TAT following the latest Covid-19 outbreak. In a statement, a TAT representative said that the original figure of 1.21 trillion baht may need a minor adjustment in view of the current situation. When asked what information he was able to give about the revised figure he replied “Bugger all”, though it remains unclear whether he was refusing to comment or actually providing us with the new estimate. Concerns grow as a new Covid-19 variant is discovered in Pattaya… Bar news now, and it’s been quite a busy month by recent standards. Both Beavers and Club Electric Blue have closed, though it’s not a total loss as the staff from both bars have relocated to the upstairs part of sister bar Dollhouse. There’s a new Go Go on LK called Catch Me (replacing Touch), and Pulse has also reopened. Then they all closed again. Ho hum. Thai Massaman Curry has once again been voted the best dish in the world by CNN Travel. Of course, this obviously depends on where you buy it. Some of the ones sold in Pattaya are more likely to be Mamasan Curry if some of the strange things you find in the bottom of the bowl are anything to go by. Let’s revisit days of yore with two creaky old tales from Monkeywatch in April 2011… “It’s been announced that 700 baht buses in Pattaya are to be fitted with “green” brakes in yet another effort to save the planet from doom and destruction. The biggest obstacle to overcome appears to be that the baht bus drivers just don’t seem able to grasp the concept. Green they can understand, but brakes? Younger readers might be interested to know that the new Nintendo 3DS hand held game console is now available in Pattaya, though concerns have been expressed in some quarters that it may potentially cause damage to the eyesight. Older readers will no doubt hark back to the days when they were young and there was only one hand held game for them to play – and that wasn’t too good for the eyesight either.” As a further social distancing measure, all visitors to Pattaya will be required to spend their entire stay inside one of these… Some street freelancers in East Pattaya who were fed up with being harassed by the boys in brown have come up with a novel new business model. They’re selling condoms for 1200 baht each, including a free practical lesson on how to use them. This is causing considerable consternation for the local police, as their traditional entrapment method of using marked banknotes now only proves that they bought an overpriced condom from a street vendor. Way to go, ladies. Some Pattaya bargirls who haven’t been able to return home since the new restrictions were introduced have resorted to living in tents inside their bars. One Thai bar owner promised that anyone who barfined a girl would be guaranteed “an in-tents experience” (if you think that’s bad, try watching one of their comedy shows.) There’s been reports of particularly high levels of camping in the bars on Soi Pattayaland 2, so no change there then. Finally, as if things weren’t bad enough already, Thailand is to introduce even tougher Covid-19 measures to curb the latest outbreak. So now you’ll have to be Covid tested just to travel between provinces, and obtain a confirmatory certificate and pay for the test yourself. And if you’re caught not wearing a face mask you’ll be whisked off to Guantanamo Bay before your flip-flops touch the floor. Welcome to the Land of Smiles. be seeing you monkeyman

It's possible, though I don't recall this being a problem in the past, not even for military coups.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from the Naked City. Only kidding, officer – honest. The big news this month is that Thailand is planning to welcome good old Johnny Foreigner back to its bosom by lifting all Covid restrictions in October. Just think, you’ll be able to invite a young lady to your room without having to obtain written permission from the police and the local hospital, and go to bed without wearing hazmat suits. Sounds too good to be true – and if something sounds too good to be true… Meanwhile, there’s a novel idea being floated at the moment to help bring tourists back to Pattaya immediately – designate the whole place as a quarantine zone. So you’ll be able to spend your 14 days quarantine in Fun City without being confined to your hotel room, though under the current restrictions there isn’t much point going out anyway. Perhaps the bars should start offering a service where you can order a girl online and have her delivered to your door. No, on second thoughts, it might turn out like supermarkets – if they haven’t got what you ordered, they send you any load of old crap. A Chonburi man has been drowned while rowing in a local canal. Well he sure as hell isn’t the first bloke in Thailand to get out of his depth with a couple of oars. A local street vendor has stopped selling his own brand of spring water after disappointing sales… The boys in brown have predictably been making a nuisance of themselves yet again, jackbooting their way round Pattaya to enforce the midnight closing times. Actually, must be bloody difficult for them to tell whether most of the bars are open or closed. Anyway, they didn’t find anything untoward so, not being ones for choosing soft targets, they went off to raid a few over-60s bridge evenings. That should be good for a few lengthy custodial sentences. They also decided to try their hand at busting a Thai nightclub for allegedly putting on “lewd shows”. Haven’t heard that old chestnut in a coo… sorry, person of colour’s age. Once again they didn’t find anything, so they arrested the owner anyway and fitted him up with some trumped up charge about permits or something. The police said they were tipped off by an anonymous source, to which the bar owner replied “That’s funny, so was I.” Looks like Songkran has been given the go ahead for this year, though there may be a few new restrictions to keep people safe in the current exceptional circumstances. Like no water throwing for instance. That’s rather like having a blue movie with no sex in it. It’s been reported that Batman has finally hung up his cape and plans to reopen his Pattaya nightclub… Bar news now, and Sugar Sugar is the latest venue to dip its toe back in the water having reopened last week, as has Pulse A Go Go. Stones House is also making a welcome comeback. More please. There’s been a story in the local press about a Scotsman who reckons that, despite the current restrictions, Pattaya is “heaven”– though somebody remarked that if you come from Scotland then that could be true of just about anywhere. Let’s get nostalgic for pre-pandemic days now with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in March 2011… “A bloke was shot twice the other night after trying to leave a karaoke bar without paying his tab for the two rounds of shooters he’d bought for himself and his cronies. The owner explained it was a rule of the house that if you didn’t pay up for a couple of rounds of shots then you got shot with a couple of rounds. Police were called to a Soi Buakhao karaoke bar last week after an elderly British tourist collapsed and died during his turn on the karaoke machine. The cause of death has not yet been established, but as the man was reported to have been singing a Bee Gees number at the time of his demise it has been speculated that he may have been asphyxiated by his trousers.” Pattaya is celebrating the anniversary of this tree, which was planted to welcome Chinese tourists… A “sea walker” has been arrested for operating without a licence after being photographed off the coast of Koh Larn. The man, who hasn’t yet been named, was warned by police that the penalty for this offence could be severe, citing the historic case of a man who was arrested for walking on the Sea of Galilee and who ended up being nailed to a plank of wood. City Hall has received several complaints about the large number of beggars on Walking Street. This is believed to be the new profession being pursued by people who invested their life savings in get-rich-quick bar owning schemes. It’s not all bad news for business though, as cannabis restaurants seem to be opening up all over the place. Perhaps one of them should take over the old Stone Oven on Beach Road – they’d only need to add one letter to the sign. We’ve heard one of the English pubs is also reopening, though the new owner decided against calling it The Greyhound in case Korean tourists mistook it for a fast food restaurant. Well you won’t get much faster than that. be seeing you monkeyman

Shit, my dad never used to give me that much pocket money. Miserable old scrote.

Harry said his dad wouldn't answer his calls, so nothing to do with Prince Charles.

Is this the bloke who won't answer Harry's phone calls?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us another visit, and welcome to another disease-ridden glance around (used to be) Fun City. Thailand has now developed its own Covid vaccine and trials will begin next month. First tests will be carried out on migrant workers, and if these prove to be safe then the next round of tests will be conducted on animals. Finally, they’ll be carrying out tests on Thais in three phases, the last of which is not expected to conclude until well into next year. Guess the Thais will have to endure having foreign muck shot into their arms until then. What a bunch of bloody jabsworths. The lockdown in Pattaya has now ended for domestic tourists and the authorities have come up with a wizard wheeze that they’ve called “Check in Chon Buri Free 500” for some unfathomable reason. The way it works is that tourists booking hotel rooms will receive a 100 baht voucher that can be used in 130 restaurants and tourist spots. So that’s about 77 satang per venue then. These guys really need the foreign tourists back. A Thai man who attempted a suicide jump from a Pattaya highway bridge was saved from a grisly end on the road below after rescuers successfully positioned a tank of water underneath him to break his fall. Pity they didn’t ask him if he could swim. This social distancing malarkey is getting seriously out of hand… A bar in Jomtien has been offering a service called Free Food Friday to help people who are starving. This really needs to be followed by Free Sex Saturday to help people deal with a different kind of starvation. Lovely jub jubbly. A survey recently carried out by UK health authorities has named Bangkok as the 13th healthiest city in the world. Presumably they gathered their data without actually visiting the city. Perhaps the next time they open their mouths they should do it in Bangkok after trying to breathe in first. Thai medical authorities have rejected the idea of a “vaccine passport” as they say that no one knows if the vaccines are 100 percent effective in preventing the virus. Actually, everyone knows that they aren’t, so they basically seem to be saying that quarantine restrictions will last forever. You’ll probably be better off going on holiday to somewhere like Fort Knox – it’ll be easier to get in. Pandemic budget cuts continue with a minor downsizing of Soi 9 Police Station… Bars news now, and it looks like Tahitian Queen will not be closing after all, having been rescued by crowd funding. Watch out dudes, they’ll all be after your money now. Another long standing Go Go has, however, fared less well. Far East Rock 2 has closed and looks unlikely to be coming back as all the fixtures and fittings have been removed and taken away. The mayor of Pattaya has come up with a spiffing new idea to enhance Walking Street – he wants to put a roof on it. Well it might come in handy during the rainy season, but you also have to consider the build-up of heat and the combined aromas of junk food, stale cigarette smoke and stinking pigs, at which point the idea seems rather less attractive. Even more hazardous would be the build-up of farts. If somebody struck a match on a busy night the place would go up like the bloody Hindenburg. Maybe a better idea would be to build a dome over the whole of Thailand and install aircon. Maybe an even better idea would be to forget the whole sodding thing. Time for our monthly Pattaya history lesson now with a look back at a couple of examples of life in the Monkeywatch of February 2011… “Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting? Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya’s image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley. This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned.” We never do… How many Thais does it take to change a light bulb? Well two apparently, the second one being needed to replace the bulb after the first one manages to electrocute himself. Thus it was in the case of a Thai chappie who undertook this relatively innocuous task while his wife was washing the dishes. She heard a strangled cry and rushed into the room to find that her husband was lying on the floor and her marital status had changed to widow. She told rescue workers that the accident may have had something to do with the fact that “the light bulb was not a standard installation.” Ah yes, I think we get the picture now. A gay rights group is doing its bit to help out during the pandemic by running a food truck that sells meals for as little as 10 baht. Customers can choose from delicacies such as fairy cakes, puff pastry and uphill garden peas. The event is being run by a Mr Brian Hatter, managing director of local firm R. Spandett and Co. Police made over 70 arrests after raiding a Thai bar in South Pattaya during the early hours of the morning. The bar owner was charged with opening outside legal hours, running a bar without a licence, selling booze without a permit and not having the correct permit for the building. He told police “Well if you’re going to split hairs I’m pissing off”, at which point he legged it down to Bali Hai Pier, jumped off and was last seen swimming towards international waters. Must be lockdown fever. Silly bugger. Finally, Pattaya golfers have been avidly watching the news for updates on the Tiger Woods car crash. The cause of the accident isn’t known yet, though a police officer at the scene told reporters that there was no sign of any skid marks. Guess they haven’t checked his boxers yet. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, welcome back, and showaddy crap to a brand new year of Covid riddled crap. Why do we bother? Well actually, we don’t. A Thai motorcycle rider met his maker last week after crashing into the back of a truck. The police haven’t yet been able to establish his identify, though a spokesman said “We hope to identify him from dental records as soon as we can prise his teeth out of the truck.” A Nigerian chap has been arrested for overstaying his 60 day tourist visa by 7 years. On his arrest, the man said “Man, is my 60 days up already? Don’t time fly when you’re having fun?” The police reply isn’t on record, though we believe it to be a quote from an old lady in the film Blazing Saddles. A sauna in Jomtien has temporarily changed itself into a restaurant in an attempt to survive the new Covid-19 restrictions. The place certainly seems to be very popular, with several customers saying they particularly recommend the cream pies. Well didn’t they always? Pandemic budget cuts have forced the mayor to downgrade his limousine… A Thai woman amazingly survived after jumping from a 7th floor condo following an argument. The bloke she landed on was killed stone dead though. There’s a moral in there somewhere, but we’re buggered if we can find it. Not to be outdone, a Swede (person from Sweden, not large vegetable) went one better and plummeted from the 8th floor of a condo block in Jomtien. He unamazingly didn’t survive. What a difference a floor makes. Reminds us of the old Thai woman who wouldn’t get out of bed because she said she was afraid of the floor. A psychiatrist asked her why she wasn’t afraid of something more dangerous like heights, to which she replied “It isn’t heights that kill you, it’s the floor that does that.” A Pattaya motorbike taxi driver has started selling fish, eggs and vegetables to try to make a living during the latest round of restrictions. Must be bloody uncomfortable for his passengers. Pattaya has finally jumped on the bandwagon and opened its first laser penis-whitening clinic… Bar news now, and as most of you probably know already, Pattaya’s oldest go go bar, the legendary Tahitian Queen, has finally closed its doors after 42 years. Perhaps they should’ve tried oiling the hinges. They seem to have started a trend though, as all the other bars have closed down again as well. Firefighters were called to Second Road the other night after an Indian restaurant was reported to be ablaze. Despite three fire engines turning up to tackle the fire, the premises were burned to the ground. The cause of the blaze has not yet been determined, though we understand that several local restaurant critics are helping the police with their enquiries. Time for all our yesterdays with a trilogy of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in January 2011… “Five Thai men were detained by police last weekend after attempting to bundle a Norwegian man into their car on Second Road. A police spokesman said that street thefts of this sort were becoming more and more common in Pattaya and advised holidaymakers going out for the evening to leave their expensive jewellery and Norwegians in their hotel rooms. A young local chappie claiming to be a Police Volunteer was arrested the other Monday after approaching a Thai couple on Pattaya Beach. He had demanded that they hand over her bag and his ID card for inspection but instead they phoned the real police and he was apprehended shortly afterwards. The couple said they had become suspicious of the man as he hadn’t assaulted them or demanded cash in the traditional time-honoured fashion. A local school’s plan for a ceremony to ordain up to 350 girls as Buddhist nuns didn’t quite live up to expectations when no one turned up. Maybe the girls have another career path in mind?” Pattaya Police are having a crackdown on underground casinos. Think we might have found one of them… City Hall officials have announced that they plan to clean up Walking Street for Chinese New Year. No, don’t panic, they’re just going to do a bit of sweeping and painting, then bung up a few decorations for the Chinese tourists who won’t be coming as they aren’t allowed into the country. The phrase “exercise in futility” would seem to be appropriate here. One area of the Pattaya entertainment scene that hasn’t benefited at all from the growth in domestic tourism is the ladyboy cabaret shows. As one entrepreneur put it, “We’re well and truly down the crapper until the government decides to let all the foreign poofs back in to watch our shows. The Thais aren’t interested in paying to see ladyboys– they can’t get away from the buggers most of the time.” Perhaps they should try putting on a straight cabaret and introduce Thais to something really alternative. After being told they needed to give tourism a shot in the arm, The Tourist Council of Thailand have duly obliged by coming up with “vaccination vacations”, a tour package that includes, amongst other things, coronavirus inoculations and quarantine accommodation. Sounds about as appealing as the three day trip to Auschwitz being offered online at the moment (if you’re tempted by this offer and are offered rooms with a choice of bath or shower, go for the bath.) be seeing you monkeyman

Last I heard they'd cancelled all Bangkok flights until October 2021.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s edition full of the joys, merriment and magic of the festive season. Bah, humbug. A motorcycle rider was injured after crashing his bike in a graveyard following an encounter with an apparition he claimed was not human. The police officer who attended the scene asked the man if he could be more specific, pointing out that in Pattaya the description he gave would fit just about anybody. One of the Thai protest leaders has been charged with lese majeste after he allegedly used the word #### while discussing the current incumbent during a speech he gave at a rally. Serves him right really. Saying something like that in Thailand makes him something of a #### himself (and a bloody stupid one at that.) How times have changed. You’d never have expected to hear anyone referring to the previous incumbent as a ####, would you? Businesses in Thailand have asked the government to confer citizenship on workers from Cambodia, Laos and Burma to alleviate a huge shortage of construction and factory workers caused by the refusal to grant them work permits since the onset of the pandemic. The government has now acceded to the request and will be granting all the workers Pakistani citizenship from the beginning of next year. Meanwhile, two Indonesian orangutans seized from wildlife traffickers have been granted political asylum and given full Thai citizenship. Last week’s Beach Road quidditch game had to be abandoned after a catastrophic collision between two of the contestants… The Insanity Nightclub in Bangkok is facing closure after being raided and found to be breaking just about every law in the book. The closure is said to be for five years, so they should be able to reopen well in time for the return of foreign tourists. Thais went to the polls in 76 provinces last week to elect their new provincial officials. As per usual, alcohol sales were banned for the duration, which is rather surprising really as one suspects that the pro-government candidates would stand more chance of getting elected if the voters were all pissed out of their minds. Over 800 cases of Covid-19 have been confirmed following an outbreak at a seafood market. Mass testing is now under way in the area and several hundred shrimps have been ordered to self-isolate. However, news that all seafood is to be vaccinated in future has not been well received by customers. For anyone who thinks opening a brand new bar in Pattaya might be a good idea, these ‘build you own bar’ kits are available for purchase at most of the moderately disreputable retail outlets… Bars news now, and both and Glass House and Panda have made a pre-Christmas reappearance on Walking Street. Soi Diamond has a new kid on the block with the strangely named 11010 A Go Go. There’s also a new place called Screamers on Soi Boomerang, so now we’ve had Screamers, Iron and Queens. What next, Brown Hatters A Go Go? Or maybe Uphill Gardeners Club? Weird. A strange ceremony took place in Chanthaburi a couple of weeks ago when no less than three Thai chappies married each other. Sorry Western LGBTQers, but the Thais have out-poofed you again. Back to the past now, in the days before Soi Covent Garden became Mohammed Alley, with a couple of morsels from Monkeywatch in December 2010… “The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises. A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied “Ever tried to handcuff a snake?” The team from Pattaya has been disqualified from a national shooting contest after it was discovered the clay pigeons they were using weren’t regulation size… An armed robber who stole goods worth 800,000 baht from a gold shop has been identified after he helpfully dropped his mobile phone while running away from the scene of the crime. The police say the Thai man, who has been identified as a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, is still on the run and have advised him to give himself up before they start using him for target practice. Silly bugger. Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, the long-delayed Pattaya Music Festival finally arrived in mid-December to bring succour to the terminally tone deaf. Still, they tried their best. You’ve gotta love the little brown sods, haven’t you? No, thought not. Finally, it was announced on Christmas Eve that Thailand is to send a spacecraft to the moon, so make sure you don’t have Covid-19 when visiting Pattaya or you might find yourself at the front of the queue for a one-way ticket. A very Merry Christmas to you all. be seeing you monkeyman

Let's hope so.