monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another month of Covid, so there’s bugger all to write about but nobody gives a shit as they won’t be back in Pattaya anytime soon. Well, let’s give it a go anyway. Four Thai men have been arrested by police for stealing metal drain covers, which they later confessed to doing in order to buy drugs. Police are now searching for drug dealers who accept drain covers as payment for their merchandise. The men were also given urine tests, though it remains unclear how this helped to progress the investigation. A 24 year old local chap whose car caught fire while he was allegedly driving to the bank has claimed that he lost a bag containing a million baht in the blazing inferno. He told police that he was driving to the bank to deposit the money when the car suddenly burst into flames and filled with smoke, at which point he managed to get out but was somehow unable to grab the bag next to him before making his exit. The car was then completely destroyed and the money incinerated. Police suggested to him that he should expand his vocabulary by acquainting himself with phrases such as “insurance fraud” and “wasting police time.” Local residents may be pleased to hear that the Central Festival Peace Concert has been rescheduled for 12 June after the original event was abandoned following scenes of rowdyism and brawling. With the return to normal getting ever closer, Thais are working flat out to get everything ready for the influx of tourists… Police have reported that a homeless Thai chap has been beaten by six youths. Guess he must have finished seventh then. The captain of a cargo ship in Chonburi has been arrested after a dead whale shark was discovered stuck to the front of his vessel. He is to be charged with illegal whaling as the only defence he was able to offer was that the shark must have shot a red light. Sounds like the bloke with the burning car has got some serious competition. The government has pledged to help with the Covid crisis by giving 2000 baht to every Thai in the country. Very nice, but they’d probably be happier if they got 2000 baht each. Pattaya sewage workers are threatening to strike after their request for better breathing apparatus was refused… Bar news now, and we begin with the surprise demise of Tim Bar – surprising because many of us thought it would go on forever. Is nothing sacred? Well we’ll miss it even if nobody else does. And a new place called Dove Club is opening on LK Metro in place of the deceased Ninja A Go Go, though it’ll probably have closed down again before anybody gets to see it. Following the installation of large numbers of security cameras around Pattaya, the police were alarmed to find that thefts actually increased by over 20 percent, though it turned out that this was mainly due to a large increase in thefts of security cameras (only 1000 baht each if you’re interested, but you didn’t read it here.) Take a trip in the Tardis now with a flash or two of Monkeywatch in May 2011… “Indian businessman Mr Deep Dudu will not now be naming his new Pattaya hotel the Syphilis Resort after colleagues persuaded him that it wasn’t a very good idea. Mr Dudu said he got the idea after seeing Big C and thinking that Thais must like to name their amenities after nasty diseases. It has finally been established that an Australian was kidnapped by police impersonators when he returned to his car after visiting a Pattaya market. This follows earlier incorrect reports that some policemen had been kidnapped by an Australian impersonator, an Australian policeman had been kidnapped by female impersonators, and an Australian police impersonator had kidnapped himself. You just can’t trust the press these days.” Now we know for sure that things can’t be as bad as they’re painted… Businesses in Pattaya have been warned that they won’t be seeing any Chinese or Indian tourists for the foreseeable future so in the short term they’ll have to rely on tourists from more traditional places such as Europe, the USA and Australia, along with a smattering of stinking pigs such as those usually found loitering around Soi 16 (Mohammed Alley). Happy days are here again? It’s been reported in local media that a Brit expat has died from “personal health issues.” Well he’d hardly have died from somebody else’s health issues, would he? Finally, City Hall has announced that Pattaya’s new pump station will be completed by the end of May. Bet it won’t be anything like the old one. be seeing you monkeyman MW180 Apr 21.docx

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to visit, and welcome to more dismal tales of Kung Flu City. Well, there’s been one or two minor changes in Pattaya this month. Like all the bars and clubs were shut down on April 9 by order of the local governor, who was allegedly described by one pundit as a “fucksplat” (what the hell does that mean?) Unsurprisingly, this has led to most of the hotels closing down as well. Happy days aren’t here again. According to the latest figures, Pattaya tourist numbers in January this year are down by 1% compared to the same time last year, so that isn’t too bad. Oh no, hang on, they aren’t down by 1%, they’re down to 1%. Now that is bad. Very bad. About as bad as being shot through the dick by a poisoned arrow with a deportation notice tied to it. So that would be very bad indeed then. However, looking on the bright side… well, we’ll get back to you later on that one. For the cunning linguists among you, Pattaya is now offering free Chinese lessons for anyone who’s interested. First indications are that there’s little enthusiasm for this amongst farangs, as most of them only have two words to say to Chinese tourists and they’re usually delivered in English. To help maintain hygiene standards, tourists visiting Pattaya are now required to build their own hotel rooms… A Pattaya bargirl has been arrested for engaging in “online prostitution”. Doesn’t really sound like a good idea to be honest. There’s a lot of things that can be done successfully online, but prostitution is definitely something that works better if both parties are in the same location. A local community group has raised 25,000 baht for a comatose Pattaya man in an attempt to revive him. When asked how they plan to accomplish the revival, a representative said “We’ll be using a traditional Thai method. We’re going to wave the money under his nose.” The estimate for this year’s tourist revenue is to be revised by TAT following the latest Covid-19 outbreak. In a statement, a TAT representative said that the original figure of 1.21 trillion baht may need a minor adjustment in view of the current situation. When asked what information he was able to give about the revised figure he replied “Bugger all”, though it remains unclear whether he was refusing to comment or actually providing us with the new estimate. Concerns grow as a new Covid-19 variant is discovered in Pattaya… Bar news now, and it’s been quite a busy month by recent standards. Both Beavers and Club Electric Blue have closed, though it’s not a total loss as the staff from both bars have relocated to the upstairs part of sister bar Dollhouse. There’s a new Go Go on LK called Catch Me (replacing Touch), and Pulse has also reopened. Then they all closed again. Ho hum. Thai Massaman Curry has once again been voted the best dish in the world by CNN Travel. Of course, this obviously depends on where you buy it. Some of the ones sold in Pattaya are more likely to be Mamasan Curry if some of the strange things you find in the bottom of the bowl are anything to go by. Let’s revisit days of yore with two creaky old tales from Monkeywatch in April 2011… “It’s been announced that 700 baht buses in Pattaya are to be fitted with “green” brakes in yet another effort to save the planet from doom and destruction. The biggest obstacle to overcome appears to be that the baht bus drivers just don’t seem able to grasp the concept. Green they can understand, but brakes? Younger readers might be interested to know that the new Nintendo 3DS hand held game console is now available in Pattaya, though concerns have been expressed in some quarters that it may potentially cause damage to the eyesight. Older readers will no doubt hark back to the days when they were young and there was only one hand held game for them to play – and that wasn’t too good for the eyesight either.” As a further social distancing measure, all visitors to Pattaya will be required to spend their entire stay inside one of these… Some street freelancers in East Pattaya who were fed up with being harassed by the boys in brown have come up with a novel new business model. They’re selling condoms for 1200 baht each, including a free practical lesson on how to use them. This is causing considerable consternation for the local police, as their traditional entrapment method of using marked banknotes now only proves that they bought an overpriced condom from a street vendor. Way to go, ladies. Some Pattaya bargirls who haven’t been able to return home since the new restrictions were introduced have resorted to living in tents inside their bars. One Thai bar owner promised that anyone who barfined a girl would be guaranteed “an in-tents experience” (if you think that’s bad, try watching one of their comedy shows.) There’s been reports of particularly high levels of camping in the bars on Soi Pattayaland 2, so no change there then. Finally, as if things weren’t bad enough already, Thailand is to introduce even tougher Covid-19 measures to curb the latest outbreak. So now you’ll have to be Covid tested just to travel between provinces, and obtain a confirmatory certificate and pay for the test yourself. And if you’re caught not wearing a face mask you’ll be whisked off to Guantanamo Bay before your flip-flops touch the floor. Welcome to the Land of Smiles. be seeing you monkeyman

It's possible, though I don't recall this being a problem in the past, not even for military coups.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from the Naked City. Only kidding, officer – honest. The big news this month is that Thailand is planning to welcome good old Johnny Foreigner back to its bosom by lifting all Covid restrictions in October. Just think, you’ll be able to invite a young lady to your room without having to obtain written permission from the police and the local hospital, and go to bed without wearing hazmat suits. Sounds too good to be true – and if something sounds too good to be true… Meanwhile, there’s a novel idea being floated at the moment to help bring tourists back to Pattaya immediately – designate the whole place as a quarantine zone. So you’ll be able to spend your 14 days quarantine in Fun City without being confined to your hotel room, though under the current restrictions there isn’t much point going out anyway. Perhaps the bars should start offering a service where you can order a girl online and have her delivered to your door. No, on second thoughts, it might turn out like supermarkets – if they haven’t got what you ordered, they send you any load of old crap. A Chonburi man has been drowned while rowing in a local canal. Well he sure as hell isn’t the first bloke in Thailand to get out of his depth with a couple of oars. A local street vendor has stopped selling his own brand of spring water after disappointing sales… The boys in brown have predictably been making a nuisance of themselves yet again, jackbooting their way round Pattaya to enforce the midnight closing times. Actually, must be bloody difficult for them to tell whether most of the bars are open or closed. Anyway, they didn’t find anything untoward so, not being ones for choosing soft targets, they went off to raid a few over-60s bridge evenings. That should be good for a few lengthy custodial sentences. They also decided to try their hand at busting a Thai nightclub for allegedly putting on “lewd shows”. Haven’t heard that old chestnut in a coo… sorry, person of colour’s age. Once again they didn’t find anything, so they arrested the owner anyway and fitted him up with some trumped up charge about permits or something. The police said they were tipped off by an anonymous source, to which the bar owner replied “That’s funny, so was I.” Looks like Songkran has been given the go ahead for this year, though there may be a few new restrictions to keep people safe in the current exceptional circumstances. Like no water throwing for instance. That’s rather like having a blue movie with no sex in it. It’s been reported that Batman has finally hung up his cape and plans to reopen his Pattaya nightclub… Bar news now, and Sugar Sugar is the latest venue to dip its toe back in the water having reopened last week, as has Pulse A Go Go. Stones House is also making a welcome comeback. More please. There’s been a story in the local press about a Scotsman who reckons that, despite the current restrictions, Pattaya is “heaven”– though somebody remarked that if you come from Scotland then that could be true of just about anywhere. Let’s get nostalgic for pre-pandemic days now with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in March 2011… “A bloke was shot twice the other night after trying to leave a karaoke bar without paying his tab for the two rounds of shooters he’d bought for himself and his cronies. The owner explained it was a rule of the house that if you didn’t pay up for a couple of rounds of shots then you got shot with a couple of rounds. Police were called to a Soi Buakhao karaoke bar last week after an elderly British tourist collapsed and died during his turn on the karaoke machine. The cause of death has not yet been established, but as the man was reported to have been singing a Bee Gees number at the time of his demise it has been speculated that he may have been asphyxiated by his trousers.” Pattaya is celebrating the anniversary of this tree, which was planted to welcome Chinese tourists… A “sea walker” has been arrested for operating without a licence after being photographed off the coast of Koh Larn. The man, who hasn’t yet been named, was warned by police that the penalty for this offence could be severe, citing the historic case of a man who was arrested for walking on the Sea of Galilee and who ended up being nailed to a plank of wood. City Hall has received several complaints about the large number of beggars on Walking Street. This is believed to be the new profession being pursued by people who invested their life savings in get-rich-quick bar owning schemes. It’s not all bad news for business though, as cannabis restaurants seem to be opening up all over the place. Perhaps one of them should take over the old Stone Oven on Beach Road – they’d only need to add one letter to the sign. We’ve heard one of the English pubs is also reopening, though the new owner decided against calling it The Greyhound in case Korean tourists mistook it for a fast food restaurant. Well you won’t get much faster than that. be seeing you monkeyman

Shit, my dad never used to give me that much pocket money. Miserable old scrote.

Harry said his dad wouldn't answer his calls, so nothing to do with Prince Charles.

Is this the bloke who won't answer Harry's phone calls?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us another visit, and welcome to another disease-ridden glance around (used to be) Fun City. Thailand has now developed its own Covid vaccine and trials will begin next month. First tests will be carried out on migrant workers, and if these prove to be safe then the next round of tests will be conducted on animals. Finally, they’ll be carrying out tests on Thais in three phases, the last of which is not expected to conclude until well into next year. Guess the Thais will have to endure having foreign muck shot into their arms until then. What a bunch of bloody jabsworths. The lockdown in Pattaya has now ended for domestic tourists and the authorities have come up with a wizard wheeze that they’ve called “Check in Chon Buri Free 500” for some unfathomable reason. The way it works is that tourists booking hotel rooms will receive a 100 baht voucher that can be used in 130 restaurants and tourist spots. So that’s about 77 satang per venue then. These guys really need the foreign tourists back. A Thai man who attempted a suicide jump from a Pattaya highway bridge was saved from a grisly end on the road below after rescuers successfully positioned a tank of water underneath him to break his fall. Pity they didn’t ask him if he could swim. This social distancing malarkey is getting seriously out of hand… A bar in Jomtien has been offering a service called Free Food Friday to help people who are starving. This really needs to be followed by Free Sex Saturday to help people deal with a different kind of starvation. Lovely jub jubbly. A survey recently carried out by UK health authorities has named Bangkok as the 13th healthiest city in the world. Presumably they gathered their data without actually visiting the city. Perhaps the next time they open their mouths they should do it in Bangkok after trying to breathe in first. Thai medical authorities have rejected the idea of a “vaccine passport” as they say that no one knows if the vaccines are 100 percent effective in preventing the virus. Actually, everyone knows that they aren’t, so they basically seem to be saying that quarantine restrictions will last forever. You’ll probably be better off going on holiday to somewhere like Fort Knox – it’ll be easier to get in. Pandemic budget cuts continue with a minor downsizing of Soi 9 Police Station… Bars news now, and it looks like Tahitian Queen will not be closing after all, having been rescued by crowd funding. Watch out dudes, they’ll all be after your money now. Another long standing Go Go has, however, fared less well. Far East Rock 2 has closed and looks unlikely to be coming back as all the fixtures and fittings have been removed and taken away. The mayor of Pattaya has come up with a spiffing new idea to enhance Walking Street – he wants to put a roof on it. Well it might come in handy during the rainy season, but you also have to consider the build-up of heat and the combined aromas of junk food, stale cigarette smoke and stinking pigs, at which point the idea seems rather less attractive. Even more hazardous would be the build-up of farts. If somebody struck a match on a busy night the place would go up like the bloody Hindenburg. Maybe a better idea would be to build a dome over the whole of Thailand and install aircon. Maybe an even better idea would be to forget the whole sodding thing. Time for our monthly Pattaya history lesson now with a look back at a couple of examples of life in the Monkeywatch of February 2011… “Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting? Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya’s image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley. This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned.” We never do… How many Thais does it take to change a light bulb? Well two apparently, the second one being needed to replace the bulb after the first one manages to electrocute himself. Thus it was in the case of a Thai chappie who undertook this relatively innocuous task while his wife was washing the dishes. She heard a strangled cry and rushed into the room to find that her husband was lying on the floor and her marital status had changed to widow. She told rescue workers that the accident may have had something to do with the fact that “the light bulb was not a standard installation.” Ah yes, I think we get the picture now. A gay rights group is doing its bit to help out during the pandemic by running a food truck that sells meals for as little as 10 baht. Customers can choose from delicacies such as fairy cakes, puff pastry and uphill garden peas. The event is being run by a Mr Brian Hatter, managing director of local firm R. Spandett and Co. Police made over 70 arrests after raiding a Thai bar in South Pattaya during the early hours of the morning. The bar owner was charged with opening outside legal hours, running a bar without a licence, selling booze without a permit and not having the correct permit for the building. He told police “Well if you’re going to split hairs I’m pissing off”, at which point he legged it down to Bali Hai Pier, jumped off and was last seen swimming towards international waters. Must be lockdown fever. Silly bugger. Finally, Pattaya golfers have been avidly watching the news for updates on the Tiger Woods car crash. The cause of the accident isn’t known yet, though a police officer at the scene told reporters that there was no sign of any skid marks. Guess they haven’t checked his boxers yet. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, welcome back, and showaddy crap to a brand new year of Covid riddled crap. Why do we bother? Well actually, we don’t. A Thai motorcycle rider met his maker last week after crashing into the back of a truck. The police haven’t yet been able to establish his identify, though a spokesman said “We hope to identify him from dental records as soon as we can prise his teeth out of the truck.” A Nigerian chap has been arrested for overstaying his 60 day tourist visa by 7 years. On his arrest, the man said “Man, is my 60 days up already? Don’t time fly when you’re having fun?” The police reply isn’t on record, though we believe it to be a quote from an old lady in the film Blazing Saddles. A sauna in Jomtien has temporarily changed itself into a restaurant in an attempt to survive the new Covid-19 restrictions. The place certainly seems to be very popular, with several customers saying they particularly recommend the cream pies. Well didn’t they always? Pandemic budget cuts have forced the mayor to downgrade his limousine… A Thai woman amazingly survived after jumping from a 7th floor condo following an argument. The bloke she landed on was killed stone dead though. There’s a moral in there somewhere, but we’re buggered if we can find it. Not to be outdone, a Swede (person from Sweden, not large vegetable) went one better and plummeted from the 8th floor of a condo block in Jomtien. He unamazingly didn’t survive. What a difference a floor makes. Reminds us of the old Thai woman who wouldn’t get out of bed because she said she was afraid of the floor. A psychiatrist asked her why she wasn’t afraid of something more dangerous like heights, to which she replied “It isn’t heights that kill you, it’s the floor that does that.” A Pattaya motorbike taxi driver has started selling fish, eggs and vegetables to try to make a living during the latest round of restrictions. Must be bloody uncomfortable for his passengers. Pattaya has finally jumped on the bandwagon and opened its first laser penis-whitening clinic… Bar news now, and as most of you probably know already, Pattaya’s oldest go go bar, the legendary Tahitian Queen, has finally closed its doors after 42 years. Perhaps they should’ve tried oiling the hinges. They seem to have started a trend though, as all the other bars have closed down again as well. Firefighters were called to Second Road the other night after an Indian restaurant was reported to be ablaze. Despite three fire engines turning up to tackle the fire, the premises were burned to the ground. The cause of the blaze has not yet been determined, though we understand that several local restaurant critics are helping the police with their enquiries. Time for all our yesterdays with a trilogy of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in January 2011… “Five Thai men were detained by police last weekend after attempting to bundle a Norwegian man into their car on Second Road. A police spokesman said that street thefts of this sort were becoming more and more common in Pattaya and advised holidaymakers going out for the evening to leave their expensive jewellery and Norwegians in their hotel rooms. A young local chappie claiming to be a Police Volunteer was arrested the other Monday after approaching a Thai couple on Pattaya Beach. He had demanded that they hand over her bag and his ID card for inspection but instead they phoned the real police and he was apprehended shortly afterwards. The couple said they had become suspicious of the man as he hadn’t assaulted them or demanded cash in the traditional time-honoured fashion. A local school’s plan for a ceremony to ordain up to 350 girls as Buddhist nuns didn’t quite live up to expectations when no one turned up. Maybe the girls have another career path in mind?” Pattaya Police are having a crackdown on underground casinos. Think we might have found one of them… City Hall officials have announced that they plan to clean up Walking Street for Chinese New Year. No, don’t panic, they’re just going to do a bit of sweeping and painting, then bung up a few decorations for the Chinese tourists who won’t be coming as they aren’t allowed into the country. The phrase “exercise in futility” would seem to be appropriate here. One area of the Pattaya entertainment scene that hasn’t benefited at all from the growth in domestic tourism is the ladyboy cabaret shows. As one entrepreneur put it, “We’re well and truly down the crapper until the government decides to let all the foreign poofs back in to watch our shows. The Thais aren’t interested in paying to see ladyboys– they can’t get away from the buggers most of the time.” Perhaps they should try putting on a straight cabaret and introduce Thais to something really alternative. After being told they needed to give tourism a shot in the arm, The Tourist Council of Thailand have duly obliged by coming up with “vaccination vacations”, a tour package that includes, amongst other things, coronavirus inoculations and quarantine accommodation. Sounds about as appealing as the three day trip to Auschwitz being offered online at the moment (if you’re tempted by this offer and are offered rooms with a choice of bath or shower, go for the bath.) be seeing you monkeyman

Last I heard they'd cancelled all Bangkok flights until October 2021.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s edition full of the joys, merriment and magic of the festive season. Bah, humbug. A motorcycle rider was injured after crashing his bike in a graveyard following an encounter with an apparition he claimed was not human. The police officer who attended the scene asked the man if he could be more specific, pointing out that in Pattaya the description he gave would fit just about anybody. One of the Thai protest leaders has been charged with lese majeste after he allegedly used the word #### while discussing the current incumbent during a speech he gave at a rally. Serves him right really. Saying something like that in Thailand makes him something of a #### himself (and a bloody stupid one at that.) How times have changed. You’d never have expected to hear anyone referring to the previous incumbent as a ####, would you? Businesses in Thailand have asked the government to confer citizenship on workers from Cambodia, Laos and Burma to alleviate a huge shortage of construction and factory workers caused by the refusal to grant them work permits since the onset of the pandemic. The government has now acceded to the request and will be granting all the workers Pakistani citizenship from the beginning of next year. Meanwhile, two Indonesian orangutans seized from wildlife traffickers have been granted political asylum and given full Thai citizenship. Last week’s Beach Road quidditch game had to be abandoned after a catastrophic collision between two of the contestants… The Insanity Nightclub in Bangkok is facing closure after being raided and found to be breaking just about every law in the book. The closure is said to be for five years, so they should be able to reopen well in time for the return of foreign tourists. Thais went to the polls in 76 provinces last week to elect their new provincial officials. As per usual, alcohol sales were banned for the duration, which is rather surprising really as one suspects that the pro-government candidates would stand more chance of getting elected if the voters were all pissed out of their minds. Over 800 cases of Covid-19 have been confirmed following an outbreak at a seafood market. Mass testing is now under way in the area and several hundred shrimps have been ordered to self-isolate. However, news that all seafood is to be vaccinated in future has not been well received by customers. For anyone who thinks opening a brand new bar in Pattaya might be a good idea, these ‘build you own bar’ kits are available for purchase at most of the moderately disreputable retail outlets… Bars news now, and both and Glass House and Panda have made a pre-Christmas reappearance on Walking Street. Soi Diamond has a new kid on the block with the strangely named 11010 A Go Go. There’s also a new place called Screamers on Soi Boomerang, so now we’ve had Screamers, Iron and Queens. What next, Brown Hatters A Go Go? Or maybe Uphill Gardeners Club? Weird. A strange ceremony took place in Chanthaburi a couple of weeks ago when no less than three Thai chappies married each other. Sorry Western LGBTQers, but the Thais have out-poofed you again. Back to the past now, in the days before Soi Covent Garden became Mohammed Alley, with a couple of morsels from Monkeywatch in December 2010… “The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises. A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied “Ever tried to handcuff a snake?” The team from Pattaya has been disqualified from a national shooting contest after it was discovered the clay pigeons they were using weren’t regulation size… An armed robber who stole goods worth 800,000 baht from a gold shop has been identified after he helpfully dropped his mobile phone while running away from the scene of the crime. The police say the Thai man, who has been identified as a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, is still on the run and have advised him to give himself up before they start using him for target practice. Silly bugger. Just when you thought things couldn’t get worse, the long-delayed Pattaya Music Festival finally arrived in mid-December to bring succour to the terminally tone deaf. Still, they tried their best. You’ve gotta love the little brown sods, haven’t you? No, thought not. Finally, it was announced on Christmas Eve that Thailand is to send a spacecraft to the moon, so make sure you don’t have Covid-19 when visiting Pattaya or you might find yourself at the front of the queue for a one-way ticket. A very Merry Christmas to you all. be seeing you monkeyman

Let's hope so.

The rumour is that the smallish yellowish investors are going for the more upmarket hotels, so they probably won't be in competition with Mr Patel and his mates.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more tales from the mythical place that was once known as Fun City. Ho hum. Well, with the first foreign tourists finally being allowed out of quarantine, the Thai government have introduced yet another cracking idea to woo back the tourists - electronic tags. These measure body temperature, blood pressure and heart rate, and send an alert to the authorities if the readings rise excessively. Reckon there’s going to be a whole lot of hotel room doors being smashed down by the boys in brown before too long. And if that wasn’t enough, it was decided that anyone applying for a tourist visa would have to provide six consecutive months’ bank statements showing a balance of at least half a million baht. It was speculated that this may act as something of a deterrent for the average backpacker, which leaves us mystified as to why the idea was subsequently withdrawn. It seems there are a growing number of investors showing interest in buying up hotels in Pattaya when things start to return to something approaching normal. The identities of these investors are currently a mystery though one suspects they may be smallish and yellowish. They might do better warning people about the over ground ones… A fire in a local clothing factory has caused extensive damage to the premises as well as incinerating a quantity of cats found to be living in the building. The owner remarked “Shame about the cats. If we’d had time to make them into fur coats we could’ve claimed more off the insurance.” Speaking of fur coats, it looks like the girls will be rather less keen on asking their more generous sponsors for mink coats now it’s been established that the furry little buggers are riddled with coronavirus. Reminds us of a lady resplendent in such a garment who was once asked “How do girls get minks?” to which she replied “The same way minks get minks.” Pattaya now has an exciting new attraction for those looking for something other than clubs, bars, booze and girls – squid fishing. Yes, for a mere 400 baht you can experience the delights of catching something even more boring than a starfish, albeit much more cheaply than a starfish caught in a bar. Mind you, catching coronavirus is cheaper still and probably about as much fun. Pattaya has come up with yet another cracking new entertainment idea – flea football… As is now the norm, very little in the way of bar news to report this month. There’s a bit of activity on LK Metro with the anticipated opening of a new place call Exotic LK and the reopening of Dolls LK, which opens alternately with Dolls on Walking Street (may have something to do with them sharing the same staff.) Alcohol has been banned at a local beach after residents complained that domestic tourists had turned the place into a rubbish tip. “Bloody stinking pigs”, remarked one local. “Why can’t they piss off back to their own country?” He later apologised, saying that he hadn’t got used to the idea of not having any foreign tourists. Back to the way things used to be now, with a squint at a couple of happenings from Monkeywatch in November 2010… “In the recent police mini-crackdown on Beach Road freelancers, it was suggested that targeting the customers was the way to solve the problem. Well, here’s a better idea. Do more to encourage the customers, because when every freelancer on Beach Road has a customer, then there aren’t any girls on Beach Road. Problem solved, everybody happy, job done. Eleven people were hurt at the Sunbeam Hotel in Central Pattaya last week when their lift threw a wobbler and plummeted down six floors. A spokesman said the incident was regrettable, while pointing out that it was very rare for anyone in Pattaya to plummet down the inside of a hotel as they normally tend to favour the outside.” Perhaps someone should tell them they work better the other way up… The Thai government has officially stated that “all laws” will be used against anti- government protestors who gather without permission. We suspect that the Pattaya police may not have completely understood this directive, as the first protester to be arrested in the city was charged with blasphemy, stealing a bicycle and chicken molesting. Several pigs were injured last week after a lorry overturned while transporting them to Sattahip. Rescue workers gave medical help to the injured animals, who probably thought their day couldn’t get worse, until another lorry turned up and whisked them off to the slaughterhouse. And you thought you were having a pig of a day? All you have to worry about is finding a slicking plaster in your bacon. So now we all wait to see if a little prick in the arm can deliver us from evil. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time that a little prick was responsible for the fate of Pattaya. Anyone remember Purachai? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the latest non-events in Tumbleweed City. Well, it looked like Thailand was about to take its first cautious steps in allowing ‘tourists’ back in, though to gain admission you’d have had to be Japanese or Chinese and be prepared to undergo a 31 step administrative equivalent of a special forces assault course followed by two weeks solitary confinement. One wondered why they were giving preferential treatment to the odious little yellow bastards who caused this catastrophe in the first place, and we all hoped it was a trap. And yes, it was a trap alright. They suckered 300 Chinese tourists into paying upfront for 14 days at a quarantine hotel plus 90 days further accommodation and exorbitant visa fees then, just hours before the first arrivals were due, scrapped the whole thing and refused to refund any of their money due to an escape clause buried in the small print. Let’s hope the Covid-ridden little shitweasels get the message and stay away for good. Meanwhile, businesses in Pattaya are trying various cunning ploys to entice people into their premises. One well-known Indian restaurant is offering a free bottle of wine with every meal, though customers have commented that the contents of the bottle bear more than a passing resemblance to the water off Bali Hai Pier. One suspects that this isn’t entirely coincidental. This must be what they mean by a Covid bubble... Local government has been approached to reimburse a Rayong fisherman for the loss of his boat after it was allegedly sunk by a water spout while he was plying his trade. He’s claiming over 90,000 baht for the recovery and repair of his boat, though the recently recovered vessel looks like it wouldn’t have withstood a sustained attack from a water pistol, let alone a water spout. Those in the know have suggested he’s unlikely to come out of this with more than 500 baht and a kick up the arse (and he probably won’t get the 500 baht.) In another first for Pattaya, a plastic recycling plant has come up with a novel new way of recycling material by converting it into heat. Or to put it another way, the whole place burned to the ground. Well it’s a sort of recycling, innit? A mentally ill Thai man had to be rescued recently after climbing a telephone tower in Pattaya and refusing to come down. Hang on, this exact same thing happened a few months back with another Thai bloke who had mental health issues. So why do Thai nutters all make a beeline for phone towers then? Could the 5G conspiracy theorists be right after all? Wind back to pre-Covid days now with a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2010… “City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it’s ruining the image of Pattaya’s beaches. That’s a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya’s street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches. A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour. People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here’s a little reminder. It’s quite simple. You see, it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know.” To help pay for the pandemic, City Hall is selling off Pattaya Beach at 1000 baht per scoop. Don’t all rush at once… Bar news now, and it wasn’t a good start to the month with the closure of Pattaya Beer Garden, Glass House, Bliss and Far East Rock 2, but it’s not all doom and gloom. Baccara, Sensations, Lighthouse, Shark and Party Girlz have all reopened and Heaven Above looks set to open in its new location on Soi Boomerang (good street name for a bar trying to make a comeback.) There’s one thing about all this kung flu nonsense that might work to our advantage. When a vaccine does become available, a lot of us old buzzards should be at the front of the queue for an armful and could be back in action while the young whippersnappers are still queuing at the starting gate for their fix. Just think, we could all be the girls’ hansum young men again, at least for a while. That’s what it’s all about – getting a few in before the lights go out. A golf course cashier has been arrested after being caught using the stolen credit card of a Japanese customer. The thief was apprehended after making the mistake of using the card to buy regular sized condoms, a dead giveaway as these are of course several sizes bigger than those manufactured for the Japanese market. As the Japanese say, give them quarter of an inch and they’ll take a mile. Looks like Beach Road’s preparing for a visit from the mayor… Two local Pattaya women were pulled out of a pickup truck after it was found under a large tree following a heavy rainstorm. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterwards and proceeded to arrest the women for trying to steal the tree. When it was pointed out that the truck had been moving at the time of the incident, a police spokesman replied “These drive-by thefts are becoming more and more common. We’ve already had three handbags stolen this way since the beginning of the week.” In another tree story, a motorcyclist was killed the other day after hitting one at high speed on Jomtien Second Road. Witness statements say that the man wasn’t wearing a helmet, though this is subject to confirmation as the police haven’t found his head yet. And we can’t finish without mentioning that, as of five days ago, there are a grand total of 39 foreign tourists in Thailand. And they’re all Chinese. Happy days are here again. be seeing you monkeyman

Guess they didn't know about the signing of the 3 year extension to the lease.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another desperate attempt to wring a few stories out of the bugger all that’s going on in Patts these days. The Pattaya Music Festival is set to go ahead with social distancing measures in place, which are expected to be scrupulously observed by most of the public who say they plan to be as far away from the event as possible. Dodgy electrics have claimed yet another victim after a local Thai chap was blown up and flung from the top of a high building while trying to repair a broken air conditioner. His fate was not immediately recognised as his remains at the foot of the building were initially mistaken for a discarded takeaway curry. He probably would’ve tasted better than some of the takeaway curries we’ve had lately. A fire in North Pattaya has destroyed a six storey building and a warehouse. Authorities tried to put a positive spin on the affair by pointing out that no foreign tourists were injured. So who dreams of large green erections then?... Police called a meeting of 130 entertainment venue owners earlier this month to check that they were still adhering to coronavirus restrictions. The owners said they were and the police thanked them and sent them on their way. Law enforcement at its finest. Banglamung officials have been carrying out spot checks on bars in Pattaya to ensure the Covid 19 rules are being followed. A spokesman confirmed they hadn’t found any customers breaking the rules, though he later admitted this was probably because they hadn’t actually found any customers. Pattaya is a place where the expression “elephant in the room” now has its own special meaning. The other night, a local man was woken by a commotion in his house, and on turning on the light was surprised to discover – you guessed it - an elephant in the room. That’s the trouble with elephants you see – they just take things too literally. Police are seeking a Thai man who’s been scamming people for parking fees on Beach Road by cunningly disguising himself as a traffic warden… Bar news now, and we start with the surprise return of Classroom to Soi Pattayaland. Just like the old days? Who knows? Baccara is also set to reopen, allegedly today. Wonder what the line-up will be like? Devil’s Den has closed down but plans to reopen in a new location when the tourists are allowed to return – if they ever are. A fake bank robbery was staged by Pattaya police last week for some reason or another (probably didn’t have anything else to do). After about 20 minutes of intensive police work, two Burmese workers were arrested but both claimed they’d been fitted up and the money used for the exercise has mysteriously disappeared. The men were nonetheless found to be guilty and will face a firing squad next week, though as it was only a drill the guns won’t be loaded – well, most of them won’t. Time for a time slip in the shape of a couple of old clippings from Monkeywatch in September 2010… “Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn’t at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell’s teeth, what’s the world coming to? The way things are going you’ll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don’t want her boot in your groin. A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once.” Another example of why Pattaya is the destination of choice for quality tourists… Local health officials wish to make it clear that the medical advice recently given stating that condoms should always be used for the duration of the current pandemic was only meant to apply to people while they were having sex. Thailand has been added to the UK travel corridor list so Brits can now travel freely to the Land of Smiles – and be sent straight back home when they do. Finally, it’s been incorrectly reported in some quarters that Thailand is to consider granting permanent residence to anyone who buys a condom. In fact, you have to buy a condo. Shit, and I bought a whole bloody packet. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to this month’s dive into the crystal clear waters of Pattaya (more about that later.) Walking Street has been redubbed Driving Street following the introduction of a new temporary rule allowing vehicles to use it at all times. Anyone now caught walking there will be cautioned by police and if found to be drunk may face a walking ban of up to a year. Closing times look set to remain at midnight so bars will be forced to keep sending their customer(s) home early for the foreseeable future. FFS, the infection rate is zero – how low do they want it to get? A Thai snack vendor whose business folded during the lockdown is now making a living salvaging stuff from garbage bins – which he then sells back to snack vendors. If you visit Nong Nooch, be sure not to miss “The Testicles of Rama”, a revered Thai monument that legend says was on the shortlist for the Seven Wonders of the World but came ninth. The Thai government have yet again started wittering on about getting “high-end tourists” back into Thailand. One can therefore assume from this that they consider Thailand to be a high-end tourist destination. Perhaps they need someone to explain to them why it isn’t. Basically, high-end tourists tend to head for destinations where they won’t be bitten by stray dogs, have their pockets picked by poofs in dresses, risk falling into bottomless pits in the roads and walkways, find beaches covered in raw sewage and waste plastic, have to breathe air with more pollution than a septic tank, be bombarded with fake goods, have to bribe police to get off trumped-up charges, be accosted by women who turn out to be men, get served watered down drinks in bars, be told by the government that they don’t shower often enough, have the shit kicked out of them by doormen who’ve mistaken them for someone else, be vomited on by drunks, be sat on by elephantine women trying to get them to spend 200 baht on a thimbleful of coloured water, have the contents of their hotel safes pilfered and their credit cards cloned by the staff, and be ripped off by taxi drivers and jet ski owners. They also don’t want their top of the range smartphones smashed over their heads because they pointed them at a go go bar for more than half a second, beaches that wash away overnight, to be the targets of drive-by bag snatchers, poisoned by so-called restaurants serving food that’s worse than you’d get in the average prison, blown to buggery by exploding transformers or electrocuted by hanging cables, shot dead in the crossfire of warring gangs, mown down by drunk drivers or drowned on a sinking ferry boat overloaded with Chinese tourists, and end up going home with nothing but empty wallets and a cocktail of chlamydia, Covid-19 and clap. High-end tourists? Dream on. A couple of Soi dogs had to be rescued a couple of weeks ago after they somehow managed to fall into a sewer. Interred in turd, so to speak. One positive thing to come out of the pandemic is the quality of the water by Pattaya Beach, which is now so clean that you can clearly see all the garbage on the sea bed, not to mention all the fish swimming around rather than floating on the surface. Strange times indeed. Pattaya has always had its share of nice spots to visit… Bar news time, and there’s a few comings and goings to report. Paradise and Kink have reopened on LK Metro and Dolls has opened up on Walking Street. Bliss and Bachelor have also reopened on a part-time basis. Far East Rock closed down but then reappeared a few days later. Party Girlz put up adverts for their reopening – then took them down again. And Baby Boom has reportedly had a change of policy and is employing female girls again. A new go go called Moon Light has opened. If you want to check the place out, head for nowhere and you’ll find it right in the middle. A pissed-up Thai bloke crashed his motorbike the other weekend when he tried to pull over to take a leak. In a statement to police, the man said he crashed after being blinded by a shower of urine from his mate on the bike in front who’d elected to take a piss without stopping his bike first. A history lesson for the noobs now with a look back to a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in August 2010… “The boys in brown carried out yet another raid on Sunee Plaza last weekend, the target this time being the “Nice Boys Go Go Bar”. Reports said that everyone in the bar was urine tested and 13 employees were found to be under the age of 18. It’s amazing what they can find out from urine tests, isn’t it? The Wednesday before last, Pattaya City Hall hosted a meeting for government employees who have volunteered to join a Public Health Ministry sponsored weight loss program. The scheme has officially been called “Bye-Bye Fatty” after employees were asked to choose what they thought to be the most appropriate name. This wasn’t actually the name that got the most votes, but officials felt that “Fuck Off Lard Ass” might potentially stigmatise the participants.” Pattaya continues to maintain its stock of luxury accommodation in anticipation of the return of its traditional quality tourists… A new cafe has opened near Pattaya where tourists can sit and drink coffee while looking at elephants. The manager explained that The Mong Chang Café was the ideal place to go and observe an endangered species at first hand, though some attendees seemed to be unsure as to whether he was referring to the elephants or the tourists. A bloke in East Pattaya has been arrested for rape following an incident late last week. The victim said she didn’t realised she’d been raped until she went shopping and discovered that the man had paid her with forged banknotes. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to spend 160 million baht on landscaping the beach to attract local tourists. Wow, a million baht per tourist? Now that’s serious money. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s look at No-Fun City as it slowly creaks back to life. As foreign tourists continue to have the door into Thailand slammed in their faces, the government is spending billions of baht bailing out their tourist industry by effectively paying Thai people to go on holiday as part of a venture known as “We Tour Thailand”. Hotel rooms, tourist attractions and airline tickets are just a few of the items to be heavily subsidised in order to get the tourist industry moving again. Hotel owners have responded enthusiastically to the government’s 40% room subsidy – by raising their prices by 40% so they’ll get more government money. Thai economics at its finest. A similar venture called “Tour to Share Happiness” has also been launched to reward Thai medical and health staff for not killing too many people during the current pandemic. There was pandemonium a couple of days ago when a temple crematorium exploded in the middle of a funeral, causing mourners to dive for cover. The explosion was thought to have been caused by a gas leak and caused extensive damage. Police said it was difficult to establish how many people had been killed as some of the bodies were probably already dead prior to the incident, but said it didn’t matter as they were putting Covid-19 on all the death certificates. Police were called to a bar on Soi 6 after a report that a group of 12 Indian men were sitting together without face masks. The officers left after a short conversation with the men and told the bar owner “No problem. They’re all staying in the same hotel room.” Some bars may be taking social distancing a little too far… A school for the blind in Pattaya is hoping that a move to online donations will help replenish its funds after they were caught napping by a sharp downturn as a result of the coronavirus outbreak. Definitely a lack of vision there. A Thai schoolteacher is in hot water with the education authorities after she allegedly humiliated a girl pupil by giving her an “ugly” haircut as a punishment for wearing her hair too long. The teacher strenuously denied the allegation and said she planned to call Donald Trump and Boris Johnson as expert witnesses. It seems that some of the closed beer bars in Pattaya are being used as temporary accommodation for homeless people. They’re quite easy to spot – they’re better dressed than the regular punters. So who wants a fully furnished pool?... Bar news now, and at last there’s some good news with 20 or so go go’s already back up and running and more being added every day, though Atlantis appears to have closed down again already. Kiss has also bitten the dust and is up for sale. The Ministry of Social Development and Human Security (catchy little name) have announced that they will be paying out 3000 baht in COVD-19 compensation to 6 million vulnerable people. A spokesman for the vulnerable people thanked them for their generosity but said they were really hoping for 3000 baht each. Forward to the past now with a peek at a trio of old stories from Monkeywatch in July 2010… “The ubiquitous Child and Women Protection Unit still seem to be having an identity crisis, as one of their latest escapades was to bust a World Cup gambling operation in a shop near Third Road. The shop owner was arrested and a punter who was caught placing a bet on England to win the World Cup was sent to a local hospital for psychiatric reports. Pattaya made the Thailand national news the other weekend after a UFO was sighted and filmed by an employee of a local skydiving company. An expert initially identified it as a weather balloon but later conceded that it might have been a German tourist bungee jumping On the last Friday in June, Beach Road hosted a special United Nations sponsored Anti-Human Trafficking Concert. So what exactly are anti-humans then? Are they like anti-matter? Anyway, don’t traffic them. You have been warned.” Looks like the Prince Andrew Hotel has had a name change… A Cambodian bloke amazingly survived after being struck but lightning the other day. He just got up, brushed himself down and rushed off, saying he needed to buy a load of lottery tickets double quick. While most hotels are struggling to fill their rooms, business seems to be booming for one hotel group. We believe they’re called Quarantine. Finally, an elderly local Thai man has received yet another warning from police after stripping naked on Bangsaen Beach and shouting at the waves. Silly old Canute. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in the arduous task of trying to find something to talk about when there’s bugger all going on. Roll on July 1 so we can start moaning again. Holidaymakers are respectfully reminded that even though coronavirus restrictions are being eased, social distancing measures must still be strictly followed. In order to ensure compliance, patrons of bars should be aware that they will only be allowed to take girls back to their rooms if they are accompanied by a police officer. To help facilitate this, larger beds are being installed in all hotel rooms to enable a police officer in full protective gear to situate himself between the customer and his barfine to ensure that social distancing is observed at all times. Customers will of course be expected to pay the hotel a joiner fee for the officer as well as his wages for the duration of the encounter. Other than this, everything will be as normal. Enjoy your holiday. A fire broke out at the entrance to Walking Street recently after a truck driver who’d forgotten to lower his onboard crane hit the overhead power cables. Several business premises were damaged and traffic was disrupted while the fire was brought under control. The truck driver claimed he wasn’t aware of the cables as he thought they were all buried underground, a fate he may well be sharing with them if the aggrieved business owners get their hands on him. In an unrelated incident, a Thai chappie was blown to buggery when a transformer exploded on Walking Street as he was passing by. Let’s face it, if a chart was compiled of the most likely ways to die in Pattaya, coronavirus probably wouldn’t make the top 100. If you take a girl from Beach Road, beware. You might end up with a starfish… Following last month’s stories about mask wearing rules in Pattaya, another news item came to light about a man who attempted to rob a gold shop but the saleswoman wouldn’t let him in because he wasn’t wearing a mask. So now shopkeepers wear masks but robbers don’t. The world’s gone stark raving mad. As part of the lockdown easement in Pattaya, the authorities are now considering allowing live music venues to reopen. When asked about social distancing, a spokesman said “No problem. We’re telling them they can only reopen if they promise not to let any customers in.” Local officials have been carrying out inspections after reports that, in order to reopen, some bars have been masquerading as restaurants, though they do acknowledge that Pattaya traditionally has a much bigger problem with restaurants masquerading as restaurants. The Thai armed forces are doing their bit for diversity by announcing a switch to LGBT mines… Very little bar news as one would expect, and none of it good. It looks like Happy won’t be reopening and Rich is up for sale. Sapphire A Go Go is amazingly 10 years old this month. No sign of a party though. Miserable bastards. Perhaps it’s also worth mentioning that the last of the 22 proposed new rules for reopening bars states “Do not allow service staff, hostesses or PR to drink with customers.” This basically means you can buy a girl a lady drink but she won’t sit with you, she’ll just gulp it down and piss off somewhere else. Not much retraining required there then. A sailor from Pattaya recently made a complaint to the police that someone had been using his photo on Facebook to con people out of money in exchange for fake merchandise. However, the police said they didn’t believe the photo was of him and threw him in the cells for impersonating a member of the armed forces and for wasting police time. When asked why they’d done this, they said “Well we’ve had a quiet week.” Time to reminisce about virus-free days now with a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2010... “Pattaya’s most successful comedy act, the Child and Women Protection Unit, were at it again last Wednesday when they were involved in the arrest of a Thai bloke for possession of porno DVDs that were later found to feature only men. So no women or children then. Silly buggers. In the same vein, so to speak, the local Anti Human Trafficking division arrested two stallholders for selling pirated DVD copies of popular Western and Thai cinema movies. Perhaps someone needs to explain ‘human trafficking’ to them again.” For those of you unable to visit Pattaya due to the pandemic, here’s a recent photo of Walking Street at midnight… A chap was taken to Pattaya hospital the other day after he’d sustained several injuries in a fall and was unable to stand up. Typical pissed up farang you might think, but no, he was in fact a Thai bloke who’d fallen off his bicycle. A hospital spokesman said “We were all surprised when he arrived. We were expecting a pissed up farang.” Thai doctors have warned that people run the risk of serious infection or even death by following the trend of wearing “fashion braces.” Since the warning was announced, a number of Thai men have been observed walking around with their trousers round their ankles. Finally, lovers of haute cuisine will no doubt be pleased to hear that Kiss Food and Drink has reopened with an offer of chicken with chilli and basil, a fried egg, rice and a bottle of water, all for 29 baht. When asked for his opinion on the offer, a local expat said “I think we should boycott the place to discourage this kind of profiteering.” be seeing you monkeyman

All three?

Methinks more mask wearing will be introduced to offset the relaxation of social distancing rules. Makes sense politically.

And all for benefit of their customers I'm sure. How many of us would be prepared to make such a sacrifice?

Shit, I missed that one. That's much better than the currency exchange story I used. Thanks for the heads up. I might use it next month.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s disease-ridden gander at what’s happening round town – or rather what isn’t. Pattaya’s finally taking its first faltering steps out of lockdown and as places start to open up, new regulations are having to be observed. Customers in restaurants, for instance, have been told they must wear masks except when they’re eating. Well what else would they be doing in a restaurant? Talking of masks, all the Pattaya currency exchange places now have signs up saying “NO MASK NO ENTRY”. How times change. Just a few months ago, trying to withdraw money whilst wearing a mask would’ve got you banged up in the monkey house for 20 years or so. The end to this nightmare is hopefully on the way with the news that bars and clubs in Pattaya may be allowed to reopen next month. It’s been suggested that the best way to encourage social distancing would be to ban all tourists from taking showers for the duration of their stay. This approach does of course have the added benefit of causing little or no lifestyle adjustment for the new breed of quality tourist. For the duration of the lockdown, all baht bus passengers have to be caged in and wrapped in bin liners… A Thai actor who recovered from Kung Flu has donated his blood to help other patients to recover. He said he didn’t mind giving the blood but it would’ve been nice if they’d asked him first. If anyone is hoping to be able to fly out from the UK to Thailand any time soon, be warned that some of their airports have introduced a rule that passengers have to wear a mask and gloves before they can enter the terminal. Unfortunately, it was introduced at such short notice that the only person complying with the rules on the first day was a bloke dressed as Batman, but they threw him out anyway when customs found some soup in his luggage. Pattaya police have come up with a novel new way to punish curfew breakers. Instead of paying a fine, they can opt to be filmed singing the Thai national anthem by way of apology. Up to now, only one person hasn’t taken up this option as he claimed not to know the words to the song. Probably telling the truth, as he was a Pakistani. Even the foliage is social-distancing now… Needless to say, not a lot of bar news. The Siren beer bar complex is being ‘remodelled’, whatever that means. There’s also been rumblings that a number of Walking Street Go Go’s won’t be reopening when this fiasco finally comes to an end. As the old saying goes, when the light at the end of the tunnel is on the front of a train coming the other way, maybe it’s time to change tracks. Thailand’s airports are starting to reopen, but the authorities have made it clear they will be adopting a strict “no stinking pigs” policy with regard to foreigners entering the country. When asked which nationalities they considered to be stinking pigs, an official replied “All of them”. Drift back to happier times now with a brace of bits from Monkeywatch in May 2010… “We start off this month with a bit of sad news, namely the demise of one of the best-known local Elvis impersonators who was found dead at his home in South Pattaya the other Wednesday. Now that’s taking the impersonation just a little bit too far. The so-called Pattaya Child and Woman Protection Unit were involved in the arrest of some chappies a couple of weeks ago after a group of women allegedly said the fellows had forced them into prostitution or something. If true, this is something of a departure for the Unit, as their idea of protecting women normally involves sticking them in jail.” No guys, that’s not what we meant by French letters… The current pandemic hasn’t stopped the popular local pastime of balcony diving. The latest was a Chinese chap who plummeted from the ninth floor of a condo block but amazingly survived after crashing through a structure on the fifth floor on his way down that helped break his fall. When asked if the man was likely to survive, a medic said “Not if the bloke who lives on the fifth floor gets his hands on him.” It’s being reported that a number of the newer bars are going to be aiming for the Indian market when they reopen. Have they thought this through? I mean, how do you socially distance 10 people round one drink? Well it looks like Hollywood won’t be making “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” so we’ve come up with another idea for a film about the origins of the outbreak in Italy. It’s called “Captain Corelli’s Pangolin”. be seeing you monkeyman