monkeyman

The rumour is that the smallish yellowish investors are going for the more upmarket hotels, so they probably won't be in competition with Mr Patel and his mates.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more tales from the mythical place that was once known as Fun City. Ho hum. Well, with the first foreign tourists finally being allowed out of quarantine, the Thai government have introduced yet another cracking idea to woo back the tourists - electronic tags. These measure body temperature, blood pressure and heart rate, and send an alert to the authorities if the readings rise excessively. Reckon there’s going to be a whole lot of hotel room doors being smashed down by the boys in brown before too long. And if that wasn’t enough, it was decided that anyone applying for a tourist visa would have to provide six consecutive months’ bank statements showing a balance of at least half a million baht. It was speculated that this may act as something of a deterrent for the average backpacker, which leaves us mystified as to why the idea was subsequently withdrawn. It seems there are a growing number of investors showing interest in buying up hotels in Pattaya when things start to return to something approaching normal. The identities of these investors are currently a mystery though one suspects they may be smallish and yellowish. They might do better warning people about the over ground ones… A fire in a local clothing factory has caused extensive damage to the premises as well as incinerating a quantity of cats found to be living in the building. The owner remarked “Shame about the cats. If we’d had time to make them into fur coats we could’ve claimed more off the insurance.” Speaking of fur coats, it looks like the girls will be rather less keen on asking their more generous sponsors for mink coats now it’s been established that the furry little buggers are riddled with coronavirus. Reminds us of a lady resplendent in such a garment who was once asked “How do girls get minks?” to which she replied “The same way minks get minks.” Pattaya now has an exciting new attraction for those looking for something other than clubs, bars, booze and girls – squid fishing. Yes, for a mere 400 baht you can experience the delights of catching something even more boring than a starfish, albeit much more cheaply than a starfish caught in a bar. Mind you, catching coronavirus is cheaper still and probably about as much fun. Pattaya has come up with yet another cracking new entertainment idea – flea football… As is now the norm, very little in the way of bar news to report this month. There’s a bit of activity on LK Metro with the anticipated opening of a new place call Exotic LK and the reopening of Dolls LK, which opens alternately with Dolls on Walking Street (may have something to do with them sharing the same staff.) Alcohol has been banned at a local beach after residents complained that domestic tourists had turned the place into a rubbish tip. “Bloody stinking pigs”, remarked one local. “Why can’t they piss off back to their own country?” He later apologised, saying that he hadn’t got used to the idea of not having any foreign tourists. Back to the way things used to be now, with a squint at a couple of happenings from Monkeywatch in November 2010… “In the recent police mini-crackdown on Beach Road freelancers, it was suggested that targeting the customers was the way to solve the problem. Well, here’s a better idea. Do more to encourage the customers, because when every freelancer on Beach Road has a customer, then there aren’t any girls on Beach Road. Problem solved, everybody happy, job done. Eleven people were hurt at the Sunbeam Hotel in Central Pattaya last week when their lift threw a wobbler and plummeted down six floors. A spokesman said the incident was regrettable, while pointing out that it was very rare for anyone in Pattaya to plummet down the inside of a hotel as they normally tend to favour the outside.” Perhaps someone should tell them they work better the other way up… The Thai government has officially stated that “all laws” will be used against anti- government protestors who gather without permission. We suspect that the Pattaya police may not have completely understood this directive, as the first protester to be arrested in the city was charged with blasphemy, stealing a bicycle and chicken molesting. Several pigs were injured last week after a lorry overturned while transporting them to Sattahip. Rescue workers gave medical help to the injured animals, who probably thought their day couldn’t get worse, until another lorry turned up and whisked them off to the slaughterhouse. And you thought you were having a pig of a day? All you have to worry about is finding a slicking plaster in your bacon. So now we all wait to see if a little prick in the arm can deliver us from evil. Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time that a little prick was responsible for the fate of Pattaya. Anyone remember Purachai? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the latest non-events in Tumbleweed City. Well, it looked like Thailand was about to take its first cautious steps in allowing ‘tourists’ back in, though to gain admission you’d have had to be Japanese or Chinese and be prepared to undergo a 31 step administrative equivalent of a special forces assault course followed by two weeks solitary confinement. One wondered why they were giving preferential treatment to the odious little yellow bastards who caused this catastrophe in the first place, and we all hoped it was a trap. And yes, it was a trap alright. They suckered 300 Chinese tourists into paying upfront for 14 days at a quarantine hotel plus 90 days further accommodation and exorbitant visa fees then, just hours before the first arrivals were due, scrapped the whole thing and refused to refund any of their money due to an escape clause buried in the small print. Let’s hope the Covid-ridden little shitweasels get the message and stay away for good. Meanwhile, businesses in Pattaya are trying various cunning ploys to entice people into their premises. One well-known Indian restaurant is offering a free bottle of wine with every meal, though customers have commented that the contents of the bottle bear more than a passing resemblance to the water off Bali Hai Pier. One suspects that this isn’t entirely coincidental. This must be what they mean by a Covid bubble... Local government has been approached to reimburse a Rayong fisherman for the loss of his boat after it was allegedly sunk by a water spout while he was plying his trade. He’s claiming over 90,000 baht for the recovery and repair of his boat, though the recently recovered vessel looks like it wouldn’t have withstood a sustained attack from a water pistol, let alone a water spout. Those in the know have suggested he’s unlikely to come out of this with more than 500 baht and a kick up the arse (and he probably won’t get the 500 baht.) In another first for Pattaya, a plastic recycling plant has come up with a novel new way of recycling material by converting it into heat. Or to put it another way, the whole place burned to the ground. Well it’s a sort of recycling, innit? A mentally ill Thai man had to be rescued recently after climbing a telephone tower in Pattaya and refusing to come down. Hang on, this exact same thing happened a few months back with another Thai bloke who had mental health issues. So why do Thai nutters all make a beeline for phone towers then? Could the 5G conspiracy theorists be right after all? Wind back to pre-Covid days now with a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2010… “City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it’s ruining the image of Pattaya’s beaches. That’s a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya’s street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches. A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour. People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here’s a little reminder. It’s quite simple. You see, it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know.” To help pay for the pandemic, City Hall is selling off Pattaya Beach at 1000 baht per scoop. Don’t all rush at once… Bar news now, and it wasn’t a good start to the month with the closure of Pattaya Beer Garden, Glass House, Bliss and Far East Rock 2, but it’s not all doom and gloom. Baccara, Sensations, Lighthouse, Shark and Party Girlz have all reopened and Heaven Above looks set to open in its new location on Soi Boomerang (good street name for a bar trying to make a comeback.) There’s one thing about all this kung flu nonsense that might work to our advantage. When a vaccine does become available, a lot of us old buzzards should be at the front of the queue for an armful and could be back in action while the young whippersnappers are still queuing at the starting gate for their fix. Just think, we could all be the girls’ hansum young men again, at least for a while. That’s what it’s all about – getting a few in before the lights go out. A golf course cashier has been arrested after being caught using the stolen credit card of a Japanese customer. The thief was apprehended after making the mistake of using the card to buy regular sized condoms, a dead giveaway as these are of course several sizes bigger than those manufactured for the Japanese market. As the Japanese say, give them quarter of an inch and they’ll take a mile. Looks like Beach Road’s preparing for a visit from the mayor… Two local Pattaya women were pulled out of a pickup truck after it was found under a large tree following a heavy rainstorm. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterwards and proceeded to arrest the women for trying to steal the tree. When it was pointed out that the truck had been moving at the time of the incident, a police spokesman replied “These drive-by thefts are becoming more and more common. We’ve already had three handbags stolen this way since the beginning of the week.” In another tree story, a motorcyclist was killed the other day after hitting one at high speed on Jomtien Second Road. Witness statements say that the man wasn’t wearing a helmet, though this is subject to confirmation as the police haven’t found his head yet. And we can’t finish without mentioning that, as of five days ago, there are a grand total of 39 foreign tourists in Thailand. And they’re all Chinese. Happy days are here again. be seeing you monkeyman

Guess they didn't know about the signing of the 3 year extension to the lease.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another desperate attempt to wring a few stories out of the bugger all that’s going on in Patts these days. The Pattaya Music Festival is set to go ahead with social distancing measures in place, which are expected to be scrupulously observed by most of the public who say they plan to be as far away from the event as possible. Dodgy electrics have claimed yet another victim after a local Thai chap was blown up and flung from the top of a high building while trying to repair a broken air conditioner. His fate was not immediately recognised as his remains at the foot of the building were initially mistaken for a discarded takeaway curry. He probably would’ve tasted better than some of the takeaway curries we’ve had lately. A fire in North Pattaya has destroyed a six storey building and a warehouse. Authorities tried to put a positive spin on the affair by pointing out that no foreign tourists were injured. So who dreams of large green erections then?... Police called a meeting of 130 entertainment venue owners earlier this month to check that they were still adhering to coronavirus restrictions. The owners said they were and the police thanked them and sent them on their way. Law enforcement at its finest. Banglamung officials have been carrying out spot checks on bars in Pattaya to ensure the Covid 19 rules are being followed. A spokesman confirmed they hadn’t found any customers breaking the rules, though he later admitted this was probably because they hadn’t actually found any customers. Pattaya is a place where the expression “elephant in the room” now has its own special meaning. The other night, a local man was woken by a commotion in his house, and on turning on the light was surprised to discover – you guessed it - an elephant in the room. That’s the trouble with elephants you see – they just take things too literally. Police are seeking a Thai man who’s been scamming people for parking fees on Beach Road by cunningly disguising himself as a traffic warden… Bar news now, and we start with the surprise return of Classroom to Soi Pattayaland. Just like the old days? Who knows? Baccara is also set to reopen, allegedly today. Wonder what the line-up will be like? Devil’s Den has closed down but plans to reopen in a new location when the tourists are allowed to return – if they ever are. A fake bank robbery was staged by Pattaya police last week for some reason or another (probably didn’t have anything else to do). After about 20 minutes of intensive police work, two Burmese workers were arrested but both claimed they’d been fitted up and the money used for the exercise has mysteriously disappeared. The men were nonetheless found to be guilty and will face a firing squad next week, though as it was only a drill the guns won’t be loaded – well, most of them won’t. Time for a time slip in the shape of a couple of old clippings from Monkeywatch in September 2010… “Punch-ups in Patts are big news at the moment, and there was another one a couple of Sundays ago in which six Thai blokes attacked a chap and gave him a good kicking. Nothing new you may say, except that this time it wasn’t at a bar or Go Go, it was at the Sutawat Temple in East Pattaya - and all the brawlers were monks. Hell’s teeth, what’s the world coming to? The way things are going you’ll have to be careful how you look at a nun if you don’t want her boot in your groin. A double suicide was reported to have taken place in North Pattaya the other Friday. Funny, I thought you could only do it once.” Another example of why Pattaya is the destination of choice for quality tourists… Local health officials wish to make it clear that the medical advice recently given stating that condoms should always be used for the duration of the current pandemic was only meant to apply to people while they were having sex. Thailand has been added to the UK travel corridor list so Brits can now travel freely to the Land of Smiles – and be sent straight back home when they do. Finally, it’s been incorrectly reported in some quarters that Thailand is to consider granting permanent residence to anyone who buys a condom. In fact, you have to buy a condo. Shit, and I bought a whole bloody packet. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to this month’s dive into the crystal clear waters of Pattaya (more about that later.) Walking Street has been redubbed Driving Street following the introduction of a new temporary rule allowing vehicles to use it at all times. Anyone now caught walking there will be cautioned by police and if found to be drunk may face a walking ban of up to a year. Closing times look set to remain at midnight so bars will be forced to keep sending their customer(s) home early for the foreseeable future. FFS, the infection rate is zero – how low do they want it to get? A Thai snack vendor whose business folded during the lockdown is now making a living salvaging stuff from garbage bins – which he then sells back to snack vendors. If you visit Nong Nooch, be sure not to miss “The Testicles of Rama”, a revered Thai monument that legend says was on the shortlist for the Seven Wonders of the World but came ninth. The Thai government have yet again started wittering on about getting “high-end tourists” back into Thailand. One can therefore assume from this that they consider Thailand to be a high-end tourist destination. Perhaps they need someone to explain to them why it isn’t. Basically, high-end tourists tend to head for destinations where they won’t be bitten by stray dogs, have their pockets picked by poofs in dresses, risk falling into bottomless pits in the roads and walkways, find beaches covered in raw sewage and waste plastic, have to breathe air with more pollution than a septic tank, be bombarded with fake goods, have to bribe police to get off trumped-up charges, be accosted by women who turn out to be men, get served watered down drinks in bars, be told by the government that they don’t shower often enough, have the shit kicked out of them by doormen who’ve mistaken them for someone else, be vomited on by drunks, be sat on by elephantine women trying to get them to spend 200 baht on a thimbleful of coloured water, have the contents of their hotel safes pilfered and their credit cards cloned by the staff, and be ripped off by taxi drivers and jet ski owners. They also don’t want their top of the range smartphones smashed over their heads because they pointed them at a go go bar for more than half a second, beaches that wash away overnight, to be the targets of drive-by bag snatchers, poisoned by so-called restaurants serving food that’s worse than you’d get in the average prison, blown to buggery by exploding transformers or electrocuted by hanging cables, shot dead in the crossfire of warring gangs, mown down by drunk drivers or drowned on a sinking ferry boat overloaded with Chinese tourists, and end up going home with nothing but empty wallets and a cocktail of chlamydia, Covid-19 and clap. High-end tourists? Dream on. A couple of Soi dogs had to be rescued a couple of weeks ago after they somehow managed to fall into a sewer. Interred in turd, so to speak. One positive thing to come out of the pandemic is the quality of the water by Pattaya Beach, which is now so clean that you can clearly see all the garbage on the sea bed, not to mention all the fish swimming around rather than floating on the surface. Strange times indeed. Pattaya has always had its share of nice spots to visit… Bar news time, and there’s a few comings and goings to report. Paradise and Kink have reopened on LK Metro and Dolls has opened up on Walking Street. Bliss and Bachelor have also reopened on a part-time basis. Far East Rock closed down but then reappeared a few days later. Party Girlz put up adverts for their reopening – then took them down again. And Baby Boom has reportedly had a change of policy and is employing female girls again. A new go go called Moon Light has opened. If you want to check the place out, head for nowhere and you’ll find it right in the middle. A pissed-up Thai bloke crashed his motorbike the other weekend when he tried to pull over to take a leak. In a statement to police, the man said he crashed after being blinded by a shower of urine from his mate on the bike in front who’d elected to take a piss without stopping his bike first. A history lesson for the noobs now with a look back to a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in August 2010… “The boys in brown carried out yet another raid on Sunee Plaza last weekend, the target this time being the “Nice Boys Go Go Bar”. Reports said that everyone in the bar was urine tested and 13 employees were found to be under the age of 18. It’s amazing what they can find out from urine tests, isn’t it? The Wednesday before last, Pattaya City Hall hosted a meeting for government employees who have volunteered to join a Public Health Ministry sponsored weight loss program. The scheme has officially been called “Bye-Bye Fatty” after employees were asked to choose what they thought to be the most appropriate name. This wasn’t actually the name that got the most votes, but officials felt that “Fuck Off Lard Ass” might potentially stigmatise the participants.” Pattaya continues to maintain its stock of luxury accommodation in anticipation of the return of its traditional quality tourists… A new cafe has opened near Pattaya where tourists can sit and drink coffee while looking at elephants. The manager explained that The Mong Chang Café was the ideal place to go and observe an endangered species at first hand, though some attendees seemed to be unsure as to whether he was referring to the elephants or the tourists. A bloke in East Pattaya has been arrested for rape following an incident late last week. The victim said she didn’t realised she’d been raped until she went shopping and discovered that the man had paid her with forged banknotes. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to spend 160 million baht on landscaping the beach to attract local tourists. Wow, a million baht per tourist? Now that’s serious money. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s look at No-Fun City as it slowly creaks back to life. As foreign tourists continue to have the door into Thailand slammed in their faces, the government is spending billions of baht bailing out their tourist industry by effectively paying Thai people to go on holiday as part of a venture known as “We Tour Thailand”. Hotel rooms, tourist attractions and airline tickets are just a few of the items to be heavily subsidised in order to get the tourist industry moving again. Hotel owners have responded enthusiastically to the government’s 40% room subsidy – by raising their prices by 40% so they’ll get more government money. Thai economics at its finest. A similar venture called “Tour to Share Happiness” has also been launched to reward Thai medical and health staff for not killing too many people during the current pandemic. There was pandemonium a couple of days ago when a temple crematorium exploded in the middle of a funeral, causing mourners to dive for cover. The explosion was thought to have been caused by a gas leak and caused extensive damage. Police said it was difficult to establish how many people had been killed as some of the bodies were probably already dead prior to the incident, but said it didn’t matter as they were putting Covid-19 on all the death certificates. Police were called to a bar on Soi 6 after a report that a group of 12 Indian men were sitting together without face masks. The officers left after a short conversation with the men and told the bar owner “No problem. They’re all staying in the same hotel room.” Some bars may be taking social distancing a little too far… A school for the blind in Pattaya is hoping that a move to online donations will help replenish its funds after they were caught napping by a sharp downturn as a result of the coronavirus outbreak. Definitely a lack of vision there. A Thai schoolteacher is in hot water with the education authorities after she allegedly humiliated a girl pupil by giving her an “ugly” haircut as a punishment for wearing her hair too long. The teacher strenuously denied the allegation and said she planned to call Donald Trump and Boris Johnson as expert witnesses. It seems that some of the closed beer bars in Pattaya are being used as temporary accommodation for homeless people. They’re quite easy to spot – they’re better dressed than the regular punters. So who wants a fully furnished pool?... Bar news now, and at last there’s some good news with 20 or so go go’s already back up and running and more being added every day, though Atlantis appears to have closed down again already. Kiss has also bitten the dust and is up for sale. The Ministry of Social Development and Human Security (catchy little name) have announced that they will be paying out 3000 baht in COVD-19 compensation to 6 million vulnerable people. A spokesman for the vulnerable people thanked them for their generosity but said they were really hoping for 3000 baht each. Forward to the past now with a peek at a trio of old stories from Monkeywatch in July 2010… “The ubiquitous Child and Women Protection Unit still seem to be having an identity crisis, as one of their latest escapades was to bust a World Cup gambling operation in a shop near Third Road. The shop owner was arrested and a punter who was caught placing a bet on England to win the World Cup was sent to a local hospital for psychiatric reports. Pattaya made the Thailand national news the other weekend after a UFO was sighted and filmed by an employee of a local skydiving company. An expert initially identified it as a weather balloon but later conceded that it might have been a German tourist bungee jumping On the last Friday in June, Beach Road hosted a special United Nations sponsored Anti-Human Trafficking Concert. So what exactly are anti-humans then? Are they like anti-matter? Anyway, don’t traffic them. You have been warned.” Looks like the Prince Andrew Hotel has had a name change… A Cambodian bloke amazingly survived after being struck but lightning the other day. He just got up, brushed himself down and rushed off, saying he needed to buy a load of lottery tickets double quick. While most hotels are struggling to fill their rooms, business seems to be booming for one hotel group. We believe they’re called Quarantine. Finally, an elderly local Thai man has received yet another warning from police after stripping naked on Bangsaen Beach and shouting at the waves. Silly old Canute. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in the arduous task of trying to find something to talk about when there’s bugger all going on. Roll on July 1 so we can start moaning again. Holidaymakers are respectfully reminded that even though coronavirus restrictions are being eased, social distancing measures must still be strictly followed. In order to ensure compliance, patrons of bars should be aware that they will only be allowed to take girls back to their rooms if they are accompanied by a police officer. To help facilitate this, larger beds are being installed in all hotel rooms to enable a police officer in full protective gear to situate himself between the customer and his barfine to ensure that social distancing is observed at all times. Customers will of course be expected to pay the hotel a joiner fee for the officer as well as his wages for the duration of the encounter. Other than this, everything will be as normal. Enjoy your holiday. A fire broke out at the entrance to Walking Street recently after a truck driver who’d forgotten to lower his onboard crane hit the overhead power cables. Several business premises were damaged and traffic was disrupted while the fire was brought under control. The truck driver claimed he wasn’t aware of the cables as he thought they were all buried underground, a fate he may well be sharing with them if the aggrieved business owners get their hands on him. In an unrelated incident, a Thai chappie was blown to buggery when a transformer exploded on Walking Street as he was passing by. Let’s face it, if a chart was compiled of the most likely ways to die in Pattaya, coronavirus probably wouldn’t make the top 100. If you take a girl from Beach Road, beware. You might end up with a starfish… Following last month’s stories about mask wearing rules in Pattaya, another news item came to light about a man who attempted to rob a gold shop but the saleswoman wouldn’t let him in because he wasn’t wearing a mask. So now shopkeepers wear masks but robbers don’t. The world’s gone stark raving mad. As part of the lockdown easement in Pattaya, the authorities are now considering allowing live music venues to reopen. When asked about social distancing, a spokesman said “No problem. We’re telling them they can only reopen if they promise not to let any customers in.” Local officials have been carrying out inspections after reports that, in order to reopen, some bars have been masquerading as restaurants, though they do acknowledge that Pattaya traditionally has a much bigger problem with restaurants masquerading as restaurants. The Thai armed forces are doing their bit for diversity by announcing a switch to LGBT mines… Very little bar news as one would expect, and none of it good. It looks like Happy won’t be reopening and Rich is up for sale. Sapphire A Go Go is amazingly 10 years old this month. No sign of a party though. Miserable bastards. Perhaps it’s also worth mentioning that the last of the 22 proposed new rules for reopening bars states “Do not allow service staff, hostesses or PR to drink with customers.” This basically means you can buy a girl a lady drink but she won’t sit with you, she’ll just gulp it down and piss off somewhere else. Not much retraining required there then. A sailor from Pattaya recently made a complaint to the police that someone had been using his photo on Facebook to con people out of money in exchange for fake merchandise. However, the police said they didn’t believe the photo was of him and threw him in the cells for impersonating a member of the armed forces and for wasting police time. When asked why they’d done this, they said “Well we’ve had a quiet week.” Time to reminisce about virus-free days now with a pair of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2010... “Pattaya’s most successful comedy act, the Child and Women Protection Unit, were at it again last Wednesday when they were involved in the arrest of a Thai bloke for possession of porno DVDs that were later found to feature only men. So no women or children then. Silly buggers. In the same vein, so to speak, the local Anti Human Trafficking division arrested two stallholders for selling pirated DVD copies of popular Western and Thai cinema movies. Perhaps someone needs to explain ‘human trafficking’ to them again.” For those of you unable to visit Pattaya due to the pandemic, here’s a recent photo of Walking Street at midnight… A chap was taken to Pattaya hospital the other day after he’d sustained several injuries in a fall and was unable to stand up. Typical pissed up farang you might think, but no, he was in fact a Thai bloke who’d fallen off his bicycle. A hospital spokesman said “We were all surprised when he arrived. We were expecting a pissed up farang.” Thai doctors have warned that people run the risk of serious infection or even death by following the trend of wearing “fashion braces.” Since the warning was announced, a number of Thai men have been observed walking around with their trousers round their ankles. Finally, lovers of haute cuisine will no doubt be pleased to hear that Kiss Food and Drink has reopened with an offer of chicken with chilli and basil, a fried egg, rice and a bottle of water, all for 29 baht. When asked for his opinion on the offer, a local expat said “I think we should boycott the place to discourage this kind of profiteering.” be seeing you monkeyman

All three?

Methinks more mask wearing will be introduced to offset the relaxation of social distancing rules. Makes sense politically.

And all for benefit of their customers I'm sure. How many of us would be prepared to make such a sacrifice?

Shit, I missed that one. That's much better than the currency exchange story I used. Thanks for the heads up. I might use it next month.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s disease-ridden gander at what’s happening round town – or rather what isn’t. Pattaya’s finally taking its first faltering steps out of lockdown and as places start to open up, new regulations are having to be observed. Customers in restaurants, for instance, have been told they must wear masks except when they’re eating. Well what else would they be doing in a restaurant? Talking of masks, all the Pattaya currency exchange places now have signs up saying “NO MASK NO ENTRY”. How times change. Just a few months ago, trying to withdraw money whilst wearing a mask would’ve got you banged up in the monkey house for 20 years or so. The end to this nightmare is hopefully on the way with the news that bars and clubs in Pattaya may be allowed to reopen next month. It’s been suggested that the best way to encourage social distancing would be to ban all tourists from taking showers for the duration of their stay. This approach does of course have the added benefit of causing little or no lifestyle adjustment for the new breed of quality tourist. For the duration of the lockdown, all baht bus passengers have to be caged in and wrapped in bin liners… A Thai actor who recovered from Kung Flu has donated his blood to help other patients to recover. He said he didn’t mind giving the blood but it would’ve been nice if they’d asked him first. If anyone is hoping to be able to fly out from the UK to Thailand any time soon, be warned that some of their airports have introduced a rule that passengers have to wear a mask and gloves before they can enter the terminal. Unfortunately, it was introduced at such short notice that the only person complying with the rules on the first day was a bloke dressed as Batman, but they threw him out anyway when customs found some soup in his luggage. Pattaya police have come up with a novel new way to punish curfew breakers. Instead of paying a fine, they can opt to be filmed singing the Thai national anthem by way of apology. Up to now, only one person hasn’t taken up this option as he claimed not to know the words to the song. Probably telling the truth, as he was a Pakistani. Even the foliage is social-distancing now… Needless to say, not a lot of bar news. The Siren beer bar complex is being ‘remodelled’, whatever that means. There’s also been rumblings that a number of Walking Street Go Go’s won’t be reopening when this fiasco finally comes to an end. As the old saying goes, when the light at the end of the tunnel is on the front of a train coming the other way, maybe it’s time to change tracks. Thailand’s airports are starting to reopen, but the authorities have made it clear they will be adopting a strict “no stinking pigs” policy with regard to foreigners entering the country. When asked which nationalities they considered to be stinking pigs, an official replied “All of them”. Drift back to happier times now with a brace of bits from Monkeywatch in May 2010… “We start off this month with a bit of sad news, namely the demise of one of the best-known local Elvis impersonators who was found dead at his home in South Pattaya the other Wednesday. Now that’s taking the impersonation just a little bit too far. The so-called Pattaya Child and Woman Protection Unit were involved in the arrest of some chappies a couple of weeks ago after a group of women allegedly said the fellows had forced them into prostitution or something. If true, this is something of a departure for the Unit, as their idea of protecting women normally involves sticking them in jail.” No guys, that’s not what we meant by French letters… The current pandemic hasn’t stopped the popular local pastime of balcony diving. The latest was a Chinese chap who plummeted from the ninth floor of a condo block but amazingly survived after crashing through a structure on the fifth floor on his way down that helped break his fall. When asked if the man was likely to survive, a medic said “Not if the bloke who lives on the fifth floor gets his hands on him.” It’s being reported that a number of the newer bars are going to be aiming for the Indian market when they reopen. Have they thought this through? I mean, how do you socially distance 10 people round one drink? Well it looks like Hollywood won’t be making “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” so we’ve come up with another idea for a film about the origins of the outbreak in Italy. It’s called “Captain Corelli’s Pangolin”. be seeing you monkeyman

Thai Airways has now filed for bankruptcy.

This is Lou, who wrote, produced and recorded the original version of the song, and is apparently the only Belgian to have a chart hit in the UK. The public face of Plastic Bertrand was a guy called Roger Jouret, who mimed to Lou's voice. Lou has lived in the Pattaya area for many years and has often been seen in Papagayo and its environs. I've seen him in there myself. Parts of the video were filmed in the old Yuth Bar on Second Road between Soi 2 and 3.

Time for a little Pattaya music...

Rodney Bewes

V for Vendetta

Fred Gwynne

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the shenanigans in Patts, where things are carrying on as normal. Okay, so there are no bars, no Go Go’s, no restaurants, no girls, no alcohol and no going outside your house most of the time, but apart from that it’s business as usual. Well, the Pattaya curfew is well and truly in place and the police have said that anybody breaking it will face a prison sentence, though given the extent of the current lockdown that’s not really much of a deterrent. In fact, the lockdown in Pattaya is now so extreme that prisoners are being threatened with release if they don’t behave. At least they get fed in prison. Probably. Thais who aren’t getting fed are being helped out by food charity events. However, the organisers have recently been told that they must tell the police in advance before any events can be staged. Coincidentally, all the latest events seem to have police officers at the front of the queue. As if things weren’t bad enough, the alcohol sales ban in Pattaya has now been in place for two weeks and has yet another week to go. Thais are starting to ask why they’re being punished for this fiasco and wouldn’t it be better if someone just nuked some common sense into the Chinese. Drinking outside is also banned, though we reckon the police took this a bit too far when they arrested a Thai bloke who got pissed and fell out of his window with a bottle of whisky in his hand. If you’re still thinking of trying to visit Pattaya by some means, be sure to pack a shovel as the only way you’ll get in is to dig a tunnel. If you’re in Pattaya already, a member of the escape committee has informed us that three secret tunnels are currently under construction - Tom, Dick and Harry. A Thai girl said she’d found Dick in her bar but it turned out that she was talking about something else altogether. The authorities seem to have caught on already and have started to put up signs to discourage tunnelling… Thais make all this bloody fuss about us farangs wearing face masks, but their own are usually so badly fitted they may as well be wearing them on their arses. Come to think of it, they’d probably do more good if they did. Pattaya’s Grand Bella Hotel has volunteered to become a field hospital to help in the battle against the nasty bug. Very commendable of course, but one suspects they won’t be inundated with bookings when things return to normal – whatever that is. There’s even been some wild stories of people with the virus coming back from the dead as zombies, though it seems that they were actually Chinese tourists who hadn’t caught it at all. Looking at this, one wishes we could go back to how things were only last year. Oh, hang on, this photo was taken six months ago… Bar news now. They’re all shut – except the ones that aren’t. Sorry officer, didn’t see a thing. Local Thai residents have formed groups called ‘Covid Killers’ to help fight the outbreak in their localities. Don’t fancy their chances of success as the equipment they’ve been issued with appears to consist of a magnifying glass and a hammer. Time to step away from the madness for a moment with couple of ancient tales from Monkeywatch in April 2010… “Meanies in the Thai Government have decided to increase the tax on alcohol this month to discourage all you naughty boys from getting too pissed during Songkran. The increase will be 20 baht per 100ml for drinks containing up to 12 per cent alcohol and 40 baht for anything stronger, so only use bars that water down the drinks. That shouldn’t limit your choice too much. There’s also been some outrageous talk of a further 20 baht tax on drinks sold to foreigners in bars. Perhaps someone should remind them that they’re the bloody foreigners. Last Thursday, the Mayor of Pattaya received a gift of 50 cardboard coffins that are apparently for the use of foreigners. Good idea. All they have to do now is put them under hotel balconies and wait.” Not a name that inspires confidence… The Thai Ministry of Commence has asked shops to cut the price of palm oil by two baht per bottle. Well how about that - they’ve come up with a lockdown exit strategy already. A warehouse in Banglamung burned to the ground a couple of weeks back in a huge fire that could be seen for miles. A large crowd gathered to witness the event, which was described by one onlooker as “the nearest thing to entertainment we’ve seen this month.” When this pandemic thingy is all over and done, Hollywood will no doubt be looking to cash in with a movie version of the whole debacle. Maybe they could call it “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.” be seeing you monkeyman

That should get you awarded a gold star for self isolation.

The bar news might be a bit of a struggle.

Greetings Monkeywatchers and core coon crap for joining us once again, though you probably haven’t got much else to do at the moment. Ho hum. Predictably, the Kung Flu is still dominating the news in Pattaya. City Hall has announced that pretty much everything has been cancelled for the next six months, including Songkran, the Pattaya Music Festival and the Beach Road Frog Trampling Contest. A long list of cancelled events has been published, though most people don’t seem to have been aware that most of these events existed in the first place. As Joni Mitchell once said, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. And you probably don’t give a monkey’s bollock (she didn’t say that bit.) If that wasn’t enough, it was announced that tourists arriving from certain countries would be asked to quarantine themselves for 14 days. Not much fun if you’ve come to Thailand for a fortnight’s holiday. Though there’s not much chance of that for a while. There’s been some controversy over farangs not wearing masks in Thailand during the current outbreak. Thais seem to be of the opinion that foreigners should be respectful of their culture at this time. So you’ve been told. Wear a mask, eat lots of bugs and drive at 100 mph while pissed out of your mind. Pattaya hotels are refurbishing their rooms in anticipation of the return of the Chinese tourists. Here’s one they’ve just finished… A Chinese chap who’d been to visit Pattaya with a tour group was later found tied up and bundled into a suitcase that had been chucked into the sea. The cause of death hasn’t yet been established though police say they haven’t ruled out suicide. Makes you wonder what they have ruled out. The Health Minister got himself into a spot of hot water after pontificating that Europeans were dirty, didn’t take showers and brought coronavirus to Thailand while fleeing the disease in their own countries. So nothing to do with the Chinese then. Doesn’t come as any surprise really. It’s generally accepted that the Thais don’t like Westerners. Or Russians. Or Chinese. Or Indians. Come to think of it, they don’t seem to like each other too much. Let’s face it, they can’t abide anybody. Welcome to the Land of Smiles. Not content with his previous rant, the minister is now trying to get all the bars, restaurants and nightclubs to stay shut at least until Hell freezes over. Talk about kicking a country when it’s down. We hereby nominated him for the 2020 “Biggest Tosspot Since Purachai Award.” In more enlightened times this man would have been burned at the stake. Pattaya is already preparing to welcome the return of the Chinese tourists with a traditional Thai noose party… Bar news time, and even before the current shutdown it was all all doom and gloom with multiple closures, including three long-established names. Living Dolls Showcase, Heaven Above, Rich, Runway and Club Nevada have all bitten the dust in the last month. At this rate there won’t be any Go Go bars left in Pattaya by the summer, though it probably won’t matter because there won’t be any tourists either. A Thai bloke has been arrested for murder after killing his neighbour because he wouldn’t give him a cigarette. He apparently offed the poor fellow by beating him to death with a pipe. Must have been a bloody big pipe, like that one Sherlock Holmes used to smoke. Actually, if he had a pipe, why did he need a cigarette anyway? Silly bugger. Let’s take a magic carpet ride back to pre-virus days now with a peek at a trio of stories from Monkeywatch in March 2010… “Remember Naklua opening its own version of Walking Street that was going to give Pattaya a whole new image? Well, it’s closed down already. Just more proof if it were needed that social engineering in Pattaya is about as feasible as knitting fog. A worker was rushed to hospital the other week after suffering severe burns in the Nong Pla Lai district while erecting a neon sign outside a convenience store. Locals are referring to the incident as “the tragic events of 7/11”. Seventy people convicted of drunk driving offences have each been sentenced to six hours community service - presumably as baht bus drivers until they sober up.” Post–lockdown civil disorder has already begun in Pattaya with the murder of this wheelie bin… In order to increase demand for rubber, the Rubber Authority of Thailand is to use the substance for manufacturing anatomical models. Funny, thought those things were banned. As soon as the entertainment venues in Pattaya were closed down, there was a mass stampede of temporarily displaced staff to Koh Larn where they all ended up standing shoulder to shoulder like a very big tin of sardines. It would seem that the local government’s social distancing policy needs a spot of tweaking. However, they decided not to bother and just shut the island down completely. So having lost the Chinese and Indian tourists, they’ve now got rid of the Thais as well. Think they might have to adjust their 2020 tourism predictions down a tad. And to finish as we started on a Kung Flu story, all visitors to Thailand (if there are any) must now download an app that will allow the authorities to track them wherever they go. So presumably not owning a mobile phone means you’ll get deported. A bit harsh maybe, but very reminiscent of the British schoolmaster who used to invite some of the younger boys round to his house to see his new state-of-the-art tape recorder. Then the headmaster found out that he didn’t own a tape recorder and he was sent to prison. I mean, what kind of a society is it where a man can be jailed just because he doesn’t own a tape recorder? be seeing you monkeyman

That's a shame. I've used WestEast in the past and they always did a good job.

Nam's gets the thumbs up from me also.