monkeyman

Works for me. Nice job.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another year, and following a festive season with best mates punching each other’s lights out, celebrities dropping like flies and bars decorated with copious amounts of vomit (in other words, a normal Christmas), welcome to our first look at the dubious goings-on of 2017. It’s been reported that the Prime Minister has stressed the need for Thailand to focus on attracting quality tourists rather than just chasing higher numbers. He might have a point, as the report went on to say that in 2016 Thailand had a total of 32.6 million visitors and tour

Strangely, not mentioned. Maybe they prefer the English because of their impeccable behaviour when they travel abroad.

I plead guilty but insane. Never heard of craft beer so I did assume it to be a misspelling of draft. Another one bites the dust. Perhaps I should amend it to read "don't think about it." Doh. Oh, and tallguy was spot on. It is indeed on Beach Road just north of Soi 1. Never been in the place but, as you say, sounds like a good night out.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a festive showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the last of this year’s plunges into the pits of Patts. The powers that be are introducing new rules requiring everyone who wants to stay in Thailand to have a minimum income of 100,000 baht per month or 3,000,000 baht in a Thai bank account. They’ve targeted the citizens of 15 counties in particular as being the ones they want to attract, including England, the United States, Australia, Japan, China and India (no, really). Well, they should have plenty of room for them after they’ve applied these rules and slung

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming to visit, and welcome to this month’s look at Fun City, complete with lights and music. Yes, the switches have been thrown and it’s all back on. Tourists are being warned to be wary of what has been described as ‘Thai noodle bus poisoners’. Dunno what a Thai noodle bus is or why anybody would want to poison one and it’s unlikely that any tourists do either. Why do they waste our time with this shit? Pattaya police have arrested a drug dealer who was posing as a policeman and selling illicit substances to teenagers. The man claimed he

Tell that to Gary Glitter.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, good mourning to you all, and welcome to another selection of dirty deeds from Stinking Pig City. You know, the demographic in Pattaya is definitely shifting. There’s a more well-off breed of Indian coming onto the scene, chaps who can afford to ride on baht buses and have a drink and a Beach Road slapper all to themselves. At the same time, the affluent Nips and Koreans have now been joined by their less well-heeled countrymen, the oriental equivalent of the stinking pig known as the Cheap Chow Li. They can be seen in bars and Go Gos all round town now sitting on

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in raking through our latest selection of droppings from Mice City (still think they should’ve called it Rat City.) The PM has said that he wants the Thai media to be the “mouth, eyes and ears” of the country. Interesting that he’s comparing them to parts of the human body. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to return the compliment. A taxi driver has been fined after a female passenger videoed him spanking his monkey while eyeing her up in his rear view mirror. The man claimed that he was only scratching an itchy thigh but w

Sleuth

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to our summertime stroll through the cesspits of Sin City. We start this month with the startling news that the Chinese have been banned from Thailand – well, the government have banned gatherings of more than five people so it comes to pretty much the same thing. It was all to do with this referendum thingy where Thais got the chance to vote whether they supported the new constitution or whether they were in favour of it. Tough choice. Research has shown that Thai women have some of the smallest breasts in the worl

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to more Mice City Stories (nice one, Itty.) Well, the Pattaya zoning saga has taken a new turn, with the announcement that entertainment venues in Walking Street and Beach Road (Zone 1) can now stay open until 4am, while all the others (Zone 2) must close at 2am. Five year closures have been threatened for any infractions. However, no opening times have been specified so in theory they can all reopen five minutes later. Let’s keep an eye on Insomnia and JP Bar. Apart from that, in the last month we’ve had muggings, k

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois (learned that in the Frog Bar), and welcome to this month’s instalment of Pattaya unzipped. Better do it quick before the military takes over on Thursday and puts us up against a wall. Police paid a visit to Bali Hai pier after complaints from locals that five Chinese blokes dressed up as Magic Monkeys were touting for cash from tourists in exchange for a bit of dancing and other assorted malarkey. On seeing the approaching boys in brown, three of the monkeys had it away on their toes a bit sharpish but the remaining two weren’t quick

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and core coon crap for dropping in to celebrate an unbelievable 10 years of this disreputable little diatribe. To mark this auspicious occasion, there’s a new feature (not before time) to remind us of things gone by, but more of that later. On with the news. Have you heard about the new top-end tourist attraction in Pattaya that took 10 years to build and cost 200 million baht? Well you won’t now, cos it burned to the ground last Friday shortly before it was due to open its doors for the first time. Stop sniggering at the back. Local police hav

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to April, which is forecast to be a wet month in Pattaya. No shit, Sherlock. Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s special bridge edition. And no, there isn’t a slope on it. It seems that Thailand is fed up of being labelled as a cheap destination and now wants to attract ‘premium visitors’. Like the sort of people who belong to bridge clubs? Having obviously decided that the bridge incident wasn’t enough to put people off going to Pattaya, over 100 police carried out a raid on Walking Street bars and arrested 30 foreigners for not carrying their passports around with them (which we all do of course). Rep

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another dose of devilishly dastardly deeds from the past month. Wagons roll. City officials have announced that there’s to be a crackdown on vehicle pollution in Pattaya, with checkpoints being set up at various locations to measure the noxious fumes being emitted by clapped out cars, trucks, baht buses and the like. Never mind all that – farting in bars by clapped out tourists is a much bigger problem since some selfish individuals decided to stop smoking and covering the stench up. A Gentlemen’s Club sign has had to b

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and a very Happy New Year to one and all. Let’s get started. Pattaya Police were told by the powers on high that they should be focusing on drink drivers over the Christmas period to try and reduce the usual carnage on the roads. If the results they achieved are anything to go by, they had even more trouble focusing than the drivers did. The New Year Event at Bali Hai was dubbed ‘Stall Wars’ after police were called in following a dispute between a stall owner and the event’s organisers. The stall owner apparently p

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Christmas showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our festive foray into Fun City. Jingle all the way. The discussions about enforcing the ban on bars in Pattaya being situated within 300 metres of all educational establishments (or 500 metres depending on who you listen to) have been adjourned with no agreement reached. Shame, as we thought this ban was a good idea. There’s nothing worse than the sound of noisy kids when you’re having a short-time in the afternoon. It’s been said that a ban could close many bars in Pattaya, even extending to Walking Street, b

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to our Guy Fawkes edition full of gunpowder, treason and plot… or not. Jet ski operators are to be told that they will be required by law to have insurance in place by the end of the month, according to a statement by local officials. This comes hot on the heels of an emergency meeting called to provide an urgent solution to this most pressing of problems. The meeting took place in September 2013. In a further development of the jet ski saga, Pattaya has opened three so-called ‘dispute centers’ where jet ski related p

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s sneaky sojourn in Soggy City. Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another sideways look at what’s going on, what’s going down, what’s going up and what ain’t going anywhere. Police were called to North Pattaya the other day after receiving reports of a suspicious man in a thick coat carrying a bag full of unusual items. The man was released after questioning and was last seen heading towards the North Pole in his reindeer driven sleigh. The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more Tales of the Expected. Game on. The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres. A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to the latest lot of tall tales from the Land of Cheesy Grins. As has been well publicised, 808 Discotheque was raided by the police and the army after photos allegedly showing a girl giving a Korean bloke a blowjob went viral on Facebook. Absolute nonsense. The bloke had lost a button from his flies and the girl very kindly offered to sew it back on for him while he stood at the bar. The photos were taken just as she was biting off the cotton. Honestly, some people have such dirty minds. Some questions do arise fr