monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales of derring-do (and derring-don’t) from you know where. City Hall has decreed that 16 houses in Naklua must be demolished as they were built on public land. It was then pointed out that City Hall itself is built on public land and demolition work on the building is expected to begin shortly. Let’s hope they do a better job than in South Pattaya where similar enforced demolition work carried out by residents on their own homes resulted in rubble blocking the Bali Hai Interchange and causing traffic chaos. Accidentally, of course. Sanitation workers have given Jomtien Beach Road a good spraying after complaints that it stunk like sewage and garbage mixed together following recent storms. However, reports that they are planning to dish out the same treatment to tourists from certain ethnic groups have been hotly denied by sanitation officials. Beware, the Pattaya traffic wardens are on the prowl… Pattaya recently had the distinction of being the first city in Asia to host the final round of the Miss Lebanon Emigrant competition, a beauty contest for Lebanese women who have gone to live in countries such as Australia, the US and Canada. It’s rumoured that ladies such as these choose to emigrate from Lebanon because there are too many stinking pigs there, so they probably weren’t exactly over the moon when they found out the final was to be held in Pattaya. There’s been a spot of rain in Pattaya of late, though nothing to worry about as the flood waters have now all flowed into the sea. Unfortunately, they took a few hundred million baht’s worth of Pattaya’s new beach with them. A plan to send a team of navy divers to try to retrieve it has now been shelved as it was deemed to have about as much chance of success as the Beach Road CCTV and Wi Fi systems. As part of the beach smoking ban, Dongtan Beach has been equipped with a load of new no smoking signs and a load of ashtrays. Pretty much like most of the bars then. All these Indian tour buses parking on Beach Road are becoming a bloody nuisance… Bar news now, and Mandarin A Go Go has reopened after a change of management. Bypass A Go Go closed then reopened and Gold Club has reopened as Kink A Go Go, which is rumoured to be planning opening hours similar to Insomnia. Wonder how they plan to get away with that? Miami, on the other hand, has closed and this one looks to be more permanent. A sign erected to steer drivers away from a traffic congested road has ended up causing an even greater traffic congestion problem on the alternative route it recommends, as well as blocking the view of drivers wishing to use the intersection. When it comes to unintended consequences, they just keep raising the bar. Retro time now, with a pair of pieces from Monkeywatch in September 2008… “Thailand’s first observation satellite, THEOS, had its launch scrubbed for the third time on August 6. Apparently, they’re having difficulty finding a big enough milk bottle to launch it from. Police arrested a Thai chap on Third Road last week after he smashed up a phone booth. When questioned, he told the attending officers that the signal from the phone was disrupting his brain cells. His story was confirmed when further enquiries revealed that he was planning to get rich by opening a Go Go Bar.” Pattaya has unveiled its latest idea for attracting Chinese tourists… Street vendors are being told to stop using foam food containers in favour of something biodegradable, though it’s strongly suspected that some of the food they sell is less biodegradable than the boxes they put it in. Authorities have ordered a crackdown on a seafood restaurant following an online video showing Go-Go type dancers performing on a table at the establishment, saying tourists find such behaviour disgusting and offensive. Have to agree with the tourists on that one. Crackdowns have always been disgusting and offensive. Following a tip off, police raided Soi 8 the other night and arrested nine Thais for public gambling. Officers also seized dice, cards and a grand total of 140 baht. The organisers will apparently be facing a charge of running an unlicensed casino. Wonder if the phrase “sense of proportion” exists in the Thai language? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another month of mayhem in Giggletown. Local authorities have admitted that the restoration of Pattaya Beach is running months behind schedule. Reckon that would be about 90 months as the project originally started in 2011. Squirrel terrorists have been blamed for yet another electric cable fire in Pattaya, this time at the Sawangla Temple Bridge. Utility companies were contacted as a matter of urgency and finally showed up three days later to reconnect power, TV and internet connections for local residents who had become bored with having nothing to do except watch their houses burn to the ground. Officials have insisted that a pedestrian bridge in Sukhumvit is perfectly safe despite reports that a schoolboy who touched a steel rail ended up with no skin on his finger and his hair standing on end. Technicians were duly dispatched to the scene and a spokesman insisted that the bridge was perfectly safe anyway as others crossing at the same time hadn’t come to any harm. Perhaps they didn’t touch the rail? The Thai people are renowned for their diligence and hard work… We’re now six months into the beach smoking ban and it seems that City Hall isn’t all that keen to encourage police action as it might harm tourism, so instead local officials took a quick stroll along the cigarette butt infested beach, declared it smoke free and went back to their offices. Another success story for law and order. A Pattaya taxi driver had to apologise to a Korean tourist after he left him at a filling station midway through his journey from his hotel to Bangkok. The driver apparently refuelled his car then drove off without realising his passenger had got out to take a leak. Police were called and the driver duly returned to retrieve the hapless holidaymaker. “It was an easy mistake to make”, the driver remarked, “those little Korean buggers can be difficult to spot amongst a load of big bags”. A local restaurant owner is facing prosecution after the wooden floor of his establishment collapsed and 70 customers fell through into the water below. The owner assured police that such an incident would not occur again as he had now introduced a ban on fat people entering his premises. If you don’t want people to know you barfined a fat girl last night, it’s probably not a good idea to give her a lift home in the morning… Very little bar news to report this month. The former Maxim A Go Go has reopened as Hidden a Go Go. Eden Club closed yet again and reopened as a karaoke bar. No doubt it’ll close again in a few days. And Mandarin has closed and is up for sale. Any takers? In a new initiative to improve road safety, Pattaya is currently testing speed cameras in various places around the city. Officials said the tests were going well, though up to now the only speeding object detected by the cameras was a monk running out of a massage parlour during a police raid. A quick reminisce now with two tales from Monkeywatch in August 2008… “A Thai bloke was arrested the other Monday after being caught on CCTV stealing brass hose attachments to the value of 50,000 baht from the Royal Garden Plaza. When questioned by police, he explained that he needed the items to secure a length of hose to the inside of his boxer shorts as he was currently working as a Tom Jones impersonator in a local hotel. Walking Street has acquired a brand spanking new set of parking regulations, so now you can’t park on the left side of the street on even days and the right side on odd days. This idea was actually nicked from The Who, who told us in their song ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ that “a parking on the left is now a parking on the right, and the beers have all grown stronger overnight”. Pity they forgot to nick the last bit.” Wouldn’t like to meet the rabbit who did that lot… Pattaya Police Station now has a complaint section where people can go to report loan sharks. A spokesman said they decided to set the section up after they were informed that loan sharks attract a lot of interest from the public. Assurances have been given that the new crackdown on electronic waste doesn’t mean that you’ll go to prison for 10 years if you leave a light on when you go out. You’d have to do something as serious as vaping for that kind of punishment. And finally, a quick weather forecast. It’s gonna piss down. Happy holidays. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for turning up for another month, and welcome to this month’s tales of the unexpected (well they would be if they happened anywhere else.) On with the show. It’s been announced that Thailand manufactured more than 190,000 vehicles in the month of May, a considerable increase on last year’s figures and almost as many as were written off by Thai drivers during the same period. Impressive. Electric trolley buses are being trialled in Pattaya in what is presumably yet another attempt to overthrow the baht bus culture in Pattaya. As the saying goes, if it ain’t broke, fix it ‘til it is. Tourists have been blamed by locals for messing up Pattaya with unsightly stickers. Tourists, on the other hand, have blamed locals for messing up Pattaya with unsightly Thais. Touche. Not the best place in the world to go snorkelling… Police are hunting a beach vendor after he allegedly threatened to shoot a Chinese tourist unless he bought one of his crocodile bags. Having seen the quality of those bags, it was probably a tough choice. It’s been reported recently that a Pattaya taxi driver returned a lost bag containing 50,000 baht to a tourist and that this was a fine example of the honesty and integrity of the Thai people. What it doesn’t say is how much was in the bag before it was lost. The Thai Culture Ministry has issued a missive reminding tourists that sex toys are illegal in Thailand. They went on to say that people with urges should engage in an alternative activity such as visiting a temple, playing sport or meditating. Now that’d really give the Chinese tourists something to gawp at. Even the wheelie bins get pissed in this place… A busy bar news this month, with a bundle of new names emerging. Annabelle’s has become Panda A Go Go, Addiction is now Twenty Eight and Kaos is renamed Dolls LK. Yes A Go Go has finally reopened and there’s a rumour that Angelwitch may yet be resurrected. And remember Eden Club, the place that closed, reopened, closed again, reopened again and closed again? Yes, it’s reopened again, so get in there quick if you’re interested, but just order the one drink in case the place closes again before you have time to finish it. Hot Girls has closed down, so bad news for local darts and balloon manufacturers. Pattaya has announced plans to introduce bus stops like those in western countries in the belief that people will be more inclined to use them than the current red splodges. They plan to introduce stops with shelters and seating, which will be then liberally covered with fast food cartons, cigarette butts and urine in order to give tourists that true home from home experience. Look over the shoulder time now with a couple of oldies from Monkeywatch in July 2008… “We begin with a strange tale concerning the arrest in Pattaya Market last weekend of three men for impersonating monks. Well actually they really were monks, or at least they had been monks until three days before when they were defrocked and became ex-monks, so when they were arrested they weren’t monks anymore so they were in fact charged with pretending to be the monks they’d previously been. Well, that’s that cleared up then. Police raided two South Pattaya restaurants the other weekend and took away eight illegal Burmese immigrants. Two of them were being used as waiters and the other six as ingredients.” Police arrested two men after they were caught trying to steal Pattaya Beach despite their claim that they were just borrowing it for a local production of Lawrence of Arabia… Bali Hai Pier is to install shaded waiting areas for boat passenger after local businesses said they were no longer prepared to sweep up all the dead Chinese tourists who’d fallen victim to the intense heat. “The bloody council send all these little yellow buggers down here and then expect us to clear up the mess” complained one disgruntled businessman. “Why can’t they send them back to the beach and let the tide get rid of them?” The official in charge was approached for comment but was said to be unavailable due to an urgent appointment with a bottle of Mekhong Whisky. Thailand has decided to reintroduce the death penalty after a gap of nearly 10 years. The announcement was quickly followed by the disbandment of large numbers of bridge clubs and darts teams. Some good news and some bad news about Pattaya Beach. The good news is that the rats are starting to move out. The bad news is they’re being evicted by cockroaches. There goes the neighbourhood. Finally, Pattaya authorities have come up with yet another ban, coupled with a 3000 baht fine, on passengers standing in or on the back of baht buses. So how will they get to the seats then? be seeing you monkeyman

Gives a whole new meaning to getting hammered.

There's been a whisper that the place may yet be saved. We await further developments.

That question could apply to a few other places in the vicinity.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another lap of the Pattaya track. Three katoeys have been fined 2000 baht apiece for indecent behaviour after some five year old footage of them flashing their tits in public was posted on social media. Hang on a minute, katoeys are men according to Thai law, are they not? Not sure where this is going, but better keep those shirts on, lads. The new boss of Pattaya’s traffic police has decreed that traffic cops will in future have to start work at the earlier time of 6:30am so they are on duty when the morning rush starts. Good idea – the rush of tourists going back to their rooms at that time can be a bloody nightmare. Local authorities have warned swimmers to stay off Bang Saray Beach. This would seem to be good advice as the swimming experience is definitely enhanced when one leaves the beach and gets into the water. Wonder what Car SOS would make of this… (For those who don’t know, Car SOS is a Brit TV series in which classic cars are restored to their former glory by a failed drummer and an irritating homosexual.) An Indian bloke who told police he’d been beaten up by Thai mafia on Pattaya beach is to be prosecuted and deported for working illegally in the country. A race relations spokesman said “If these stinking pigs think they can come to this country and slander our law-abiding citizens, they can bloody well think again.” There’s a lesson we can all learn from this, but we’re buggered if we know what it is. A Pattaya motorbike taxi driver has been fined 500 baht for kicking a German tourist in the face. The driver said he’d actually wanted to kick a Thai in the face but couldn’t afford to pay the 10,000 baht fine for that offence. He promised that he’d never do it again, so next time he fancies kicking someone in the face he’ll presumably have to check out their ethnicity first. There was panic in Mohammed Alley (Soi 16) last week after it was misreported that Pattaya was planning to send in a crew to eradicate all the muzzies with insecticide before the rainy season began. The authorities confirmed that the word should have been ‘mozzies’ but sent a crew to Soi 16 anyway. Did you really think those red splodges were paint?.. A few more changes on the bar scene, the most significant being the closure of Angelwitch after 12 years. Shame really. Good place in its heyday and always a favourite with the ladies. Last month we reported that Eden Club had closed, reopened, closed again and reopened again. Well, it’s closed again. Either that or they’ve got a very slow neon sign. Yes A Go Go still hasn’t reopened despite two missed deadlines. Atlantis, the new incarnation of Sweethearts, has now opened its doors and early reports seem to be positive. Indian clubs are making further inroads into Walking Street. The Rajah Indian Dance Club has finally opened, but surprisingly all the house dancers are Russians. Or maybe not so surprising. Maya, the Indian nightclub on the premises of the old FLB Bar that closed down shortly after opening last month, has now reopened. Seems to be a lot of this going on with new bars, presumably problems with getting new licences (let’s not start on that again.) A charitable organisation has donated over 200 pairs of spectacles to local residents following a series of eye examinations. The lucky residents duly put on their new spectacles, had a quick look round, then packed their bags and moved out. Another trip into the murky past now with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2008… “Police arrested a young Thai chappie the other Thursday morning after he nicked a fire truck and crashed it into an unsuspecting tree. He told the arresting officers that he only did it because he wanted to be on television and it was better than auditioning for American Idol. It probably required more talent as well. Twenty street vendors were arrested on Walking Street last weekend following alleged complaints by tourists about their somewhat aggressive marketing techniques. Several of the vendors were found to be carrying armfuls of flowers and were frogmarched to the police station where they were charged with armed shrubbery. The rest, who had been asking to take pictures of tourists, were charged with possession of hardcore photography.” Get your replacement baht bus tyres here… Walking Street is to have a facelift next year to make it more family friendly. This may sound like bad news, but all they seem to be planning to do is to remove the famous Hanging Wires Of Pattaya (one of the 7-Eleven Wonders of the World) and bury them underground. Whether they plan to reconnect them as well is currently unclear, but what in the name of hell’s trousers does all this have to do with families anyway? And how will the tour officials sell this? “Oh yeah, Walking Street used to be one big brothel but since they installed underground cables it’s a great place to take your family.” Unbelievable. Naklua has failed to get an accreditation as an ecotourism destination after receiving what is believed to be the lowest ever score in a sustainable tourism test. It received a ‘C’ rating, the lowest designation possible, though the test result has prompted the tourism ministry to consider introducing a ‘D’ rating for future such cases of catastrophic failure. It’s been reported that three Thai men disguised as women have been arrested for robbing tourists on Walking Street. And this is news? Ah, hang on, it seems they weren’t ladyboys but men dressed up as women. This place gets more gender confused by the minute. Finally, police launched a special anti-crime initiative during this weekend’s Pattaya International Fireworks Festival which they named “Make Pattaya Liveable.” This is to distinguish it from their normal operations which are generally known as “Make Pattaya Laughable.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to the post Songkran period where everybody is drying out, a rare sight indeed. Well, Songkran came and went without much drama, just the usual few hundred people killed, mainly in road accidents. People who think this is quite a lot really don’t understand the psyche of the average Thai road user. In most places, if another car overtakes you, the driver just wants to go a bit faster than you, so okay. To a Thai bloke, you’re not just overtaking him, you’re laughing at his dick, and that makes men angry. Well, apart from Japanese men in Pattaya, but one supposes they’ve just got used to it over time. To add more colour to the festivities, tourism and culture chiefs urged everyone in Thailand during Songkran to wear retro-Thai costumes. So what exactly would that be then – Singha vests? Some Thai women have been speaking out following the government’s advice that they should dress more modestly during Songkran to avoid getting raped. The women said that it was none of the government’s business and that it was the right of every woman to get raped in any clothes she chose. Another hard-fought victory for feminism. Could this be one of those underground casinos we keep hearing about?... The Pattaya Beach restoration project has been halted yet again after it was discovered that, for the third time, the consignment of sand that was brought in didn’t match that of the current beach. It’s now been sent away to be blended with faeces, plastic bottles, cigarette butts, tin cans, fast food containers, used condoms and miscellaneous bodily fluids in an attempt to make a perfect match. That should do it. A media group were treated to a tour of Bali Hai Pier dock a couple of weeks back by the Governor of Chonburi, who proudly pronounced that the area was completely safe for tourists. A couple of hours later, a mass brawl took place at that very location and went viral on Facebook after footage of the altercation was posted by an onlooker. Some say this sort of thing damages the image of Pattaya. Others say it leaves it exactly where it is. The plummeting season is well under way, with people flying off balconies left, right and centre. Local police say they’re fed up of having to investigate these incidents as it’s not easy to interview a pool of goo. This man was arrested after trying to hire a small paddle boat. Police suspect he may be a pedalophile… A look at the latest bar news now, and it’s all getting a bit multinational. Anyway, we’ll start with Eden Club, which we reported as closing last month and then reopening. Well, it’s closed again – and reopened again. Yes A Go Go has closed and will reopen after a refurb. Annabelle’s has closed but is rumoured to be reopening under Chinese owners. Wonder who their target audience will be? Bypass A Go Go closed and then reopened as New Bypass A Go Go (they obviously worked really hard on that name) now featuring “many beautiful Czech women”, a description that isn’t entirely true as the dancers aren’t beautiful and aren’t Czech. The bars in Mohammed Alley (Soi 16) have already been largely rebuilt following the fire that sank Titanic Bar and several surrounding cesspits, though the general consensus was that things should have been left alone as the conflagration had improved the area no end. It seems appropriate at this point to mention that there’s a new place called Rajah Club opened on Walking Street. They’re currently advertising for attractive coyote dancers. Don’t fancy their chances. And the good old FLB Bar premises have reopened as an Indian nightclub called Maya. Probably deep in the Maya before long. And now some chicken news. Chicken World has closed down, though we’re not sure whether it was a restaurant or a theme park. Never mind though, we now have a new place called the Pig and Chick, which is presumably aimed at mongers and their Thai companions. We expect to see the Stinking Pig and Chick opening on Mohammed Alley before too long. Back to the good old days with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of May 2008… “The annual crocodile egg eating competition took place on May 1 at Pattaya Crocodile Farm, in which prizes are awarded to the contestants who can eat 10 crocodile eggs in the quickest time. The prizes of 10,000 and 5,000 baht were both won by Thai tourists, though their victory was short lived as one of the crocodiles managed to escape and proceeded to devour both winning contestants. The organisers apologised for this small mishap and awarded first prize to the crocodile as it was judged to have eaten the 20 eggs contained within the hapless participants. There was a meeting of police officers at City Hall a couple of weeks ago to discuss the continuing problem with crime in Pattaya. Those attending were told to ensure that crimes involving foreign tourists were resolved quickly as it was the job of the police to create a good image for the city. They were then told to ensure that all bars stayed closed for the following two weekends. Bit of a dilemma, eh chaps? The other night, a naked Korean bloke was caught wandering around the streets of Pattaya. He was reported to have a bottle of sun tan lotion and a chrome whistle tied to his dick. On being arrested, he allegedly told police that he’d been to a fancy dress party as Dongtan Police Station.” The sign has been changed after it attracted several enquiries from cannibals… A couple of Italian tourists had a bit of a surprise the other week when the driver of the baht bus they were travelling in got into a gunfight with a truck driver after he tried to overtake them in an aggressive manner. Despite the Italians surrendering after the first shot was fired, the battle continued and the lucky baht bus driver only managed to escape being shot in the leg because his penis got in the way. Police are examining CCTV footage of the incident and are hoping to edit it into a spaghetti western. Police have arrested yet another Thai cop impersonator after he deprived some stinking pig of his worthless chattels. Apparently, he just walked up to the bloke and demanded to see his passport. When the document wasn’t forthcoming, he emptied his victim’s pockets and pissed off into the sunset with his ill-gotten gains. Reckon Thailand must be the only country in the world to have more police impersonators then Elvis impersonators. Finally, the owner of a beer bar on 2nd Road has sent CCTV footage to local media in an attempt to identify a bloke who walked into his bar while it was closed and took a shit in the middle of the floor. Must have been the local entertainment critic. be seeing you monkeyman

Well done that man. I didn't expect any non-Brits to get that one at all.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s humble offering. US tour operators have urged Thailand to make greater efforts to attract American tourists. They might, however, wish to reflect on the possibility that the bans on drinking and smoking on the beach, vaping anywhere at all and the attempts to rid the country of pool tables, dance floors, dartboards and card games may just suggest that attracting American tourists isn’t exactly at the top of Thailand’s current agenda. Thailand has launched a big crackdown on cichlid traffickers after an official misread a directive from the national authorities. Local prisons are now overrun with small fish, but the big fish all got away scot free. No change there then. Thailand and Pattaya’s new family friendly image took a bit of a knock the other Wednesday after 18 family tourists were killed in a small traffic incident. It’s still a great place to bring the family though– particularly if you want to go home single. As Liverpool Football Club is very popular in Thailand, they’ve chosen Pattaya to launch a new range of club-branded toiletries, including a fragrance aimed at fans who’ve never used one before. They’ve named it “You Never Wore Cologne.” New signs have been put up on Beach Road to remind tour buses not to allow their passengers to disembark outside the designated parking areas… Not content with darts, pool and dancing licences, the authorities have announced that, with immediate effect, sex will be prohibited in Pattaya unless the participants are in possession of a sex licence. There is, of course, no such thing as a sex licence. To make sure this new directive is strictly enforced, no girl will be able to leave a bar with a farang unless they’re accompanied by a monk. It’s still unclear at this time whether or not a barfine will be payable for the monk. Local inspectors have visited Soi 16 (aka Soi Stinking Pig and Mohammed Alley) to investigate the aftermath of the fire caused by a faulty transformer that burnt several bars to the ground. They’d just agreed that the incident had improved the look of the area no end when some nearby power cables ignited due to a short circuit and set fire to a local restaurant. The building was hastily evacuated and no casualties were reported except for one of the waiters who fell over and bent his dickie. There’s a disturbing trend where airlines flying to Thailand have been downgrading their Scum Class cabins by adding an extra seat to each row. A spokesman for one airline said “If passengers find it too cramped, they can downgrade even further to Stinking Pig Class where we get rid of the seats altogether and chuck in a cartload of straw and a few shovelfuls of elephant shit.” Buy one of these supersize bottles of water and you get a free fizzy drink and a complimentary brick… Bring on the bar news, and we start with a new Walking Street venue called Maxim A Go Go that’s replaced the short-lived Marylyn A Go Go. Let’s see how long this one lasts. Club Eden on Soi Diamond closed down only three days after it opened, allegedly because they didn’t have the right licences. It’s now reopened – guess they must have chucked the dartboard out. Actually, there’s been a development on the darts saga, namely that the formerly mythical darts licences can now be applied for (bloody hell, that was quick.) However, having looked at the processes one has to go through to obtain one, it’d probably be easier to get hold of a licence to produce weapons of mass destruction. Misbehaving monks have been in the spotlight yet again after one of them was filmed having a crafty wank on a bus. No police action appears to have been instigated, so it looks like his character will be unstained – which is more than can be said for the seat of the bus. Another whiff of yesteryear, with a couple of old tales from Monkeywatch back in April 2008… “A monkey with no sense of religious propriety was recently spotted stealing offerings of food that had been laid out on a shrine on Laem Pujao Mountain. This is believed to be the first time a primate has been caught stealing food from a religious site since a funeral in Ireland in 1999 when the Archbishop of Canterbury was spotted on CCTV blagging a pork pie and a bottle of brown ale from the top of Oliver Reed’s coffin. Police were called to a beach in Naklua after an elephant went berserk and attacked a local woman. She was apparently giving food to the elephant when it unexpectedly gave her a good going over. It was an hour before the elephant’s master was able to calm it down, after which he was taken away by the police. He claimed the elephant became agitated because its food was late and not as ordered. The police said that there was no excuse for violence as this was standard practice in most Pattaya restaurants. They then impounded the elephant and charged its master with “being a complete bastard.” Always wondered what happened to the old entrance to X-Zone… You know how cramped aircraft toilets are? Well a bloke flying home from Thailand decided to have a wank in one of them and accidentally slammed his dick in the door. The flight attendants managed to get him loose and gave him a free upgrade to First Class as they thought he’d done it deliberately and so assumed he was a freemason. As the mountain of garbage on Koh Larn continues to grow unabated, local officials have been ordered to deal with the problem by employing “less thinking and more acting.” Isn’t that how they deal with everything? A video has just been released in which the authorities proudly claim that Pattaya is about to become the Miami of Asia. As in Miami Vice? As it’s All Fools Day this month, eagle eyed readers may have spotted one or two little fibs cleverly concealed between the unwavering truths of the other stories. If you didn’t, the stories that couldn’t possibly happen in real life were the true ones. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare look at what’s been going down – and up and sideways. Just in case anybody doesn’t already know, it’s been announced that Songkran will be extended to five days this year. A local spokesman said “Now we’ve taken steps to get rid of those lowlife scum who came to Pattaya to play bridge, we’re hoping this move will replace them with some real quality tourists.” Guess it’ll all be water over the bridge. Local fishing boats are the latest thing to come under official scrutiny and have been checked to make sure they hold the correct licences (I think we can see where this is going.) Well no actually, as this is one of those exceptional cases where the licence actually exists before the inspection. However, one of the boat owners was arrested as the only licence he was able to produce was a darts licence. And as we all know, there’s no such thing as a darts licence. The public meeting held recently to discuss Pattaya’s upcoming development plan highlighted several differences of opinion as to which of the City’s ills needed the most urgent attention from the authorities. The locals seem to be most worried by the build-up of trash and garbage, which seemed to be arriving by the coachload on a daily basis. Flooding and sewage overflows are also high on the list of concerns. The authorities, on the other hand, seem to be more concerned about drug, traffic and road safety issues. The police reckoned all these problems could be solved by raiding more bars. So they did. These locally designed tinted windscreens are proving to be very popular with Thai motorists… The leaning tower of Pattaya, or to be more precise, the leaning pole of Soi Buakhao, has finally been repaired after no less than 10 years of petitioning by locals who considered it to be a danger to the public. The pole, which supported a spaghetti of electrical cables and wiring, was restored to an upright position using construction equipment after an earlier and less expensive attempt using Viagra proved unsuccessful. An international report has voted Thailand to be the best country in the world to start a business. Shortly after the announcement was made, shares in local chrome pole manufacturing companies hit an all-time high. An Italian tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station at around midnight the other weekend and related a strange tale to the officers on duty. He claimed that two women had arrived at the condo where he was staying to look the place over as they were planning to buy it. He let them in and showed them around but then suddenly passed out and, when he came round, the women had gone and so had 200,000 baht in cash and a necklace worth a further 80,000 baht. Further, he said he hadn’t eaten or drunk anything during their visit. The officers viewed his story with some suspicion, as they thought it unusual that someone, even an Italian, would let a pair of complete strangers inspect a property at 10 o’clock in the evening and then become unconscious for no apparent reason. When questioned, the security officer at the building said he hadn’t seen any women going in, and police are now examining CCTV footage for any clues. It’ll be interesting to see how this story pans out. We think he was either wopped over the head or he’s just telling woppers. Police are investigating after an Indian tourist reported that his hotel room had been broken into… Okay, let’s do some bar news. DClub A Go Go on Walking Street has closed (did anyone ever notice it was open?) Looks like Addiction Club on Soi Diamond has gone into rehab, as there’s no sign of life there now. It’s been said many times that any farang thinking of marrying a Thai wants his head examined. Well it looks like the Thais agree, because they’re going to make it compulsory. Yes, there’s a new directive from Immigration that farangs who want to indulge in nuptials with Thai ladies (or whatever) will have to agree to undergo psychological testing. Who the hell would want to go through that? We reckon that anybody who agrees to have their brains tested needs their brains testing. Forward to the past once again with a brace of bits and bobs from Monkeywatch way back in March 2008… “In a bold move to relaunch itself with an exciting new image, Blue Lagoon 2 has moved its door from the right to the left hand side of the bar. It’s certainly increased their custom, as there’s still six piss artists in there bouncing off the right hand wall trying to get out. The authorities did a quick tour of inspection around the Walking Street bars the other Wednesday to check that there were no employees under 18 working there. The only one they found was a monkey holding a tin cup, who was subsequently charged with being underage and demanding money with menaces.” Tourists have been complaining that these souvenir bottles of Pattaya seawater are fakes as the water isn’t the right colour… It was reported the other week that a Thai man had been arrested for preparing a monkey for dinner. So what did he do? Dress it in a tuxedo and make it wash its hands? There was a big fire yesterday on Soi 16 (Soi Stinking Pig) after a transformer exploded and set fire to Titanic Bar. Latest reports say it went down with all hands. Wonder if the band kept playing? Finally, Thai men have reportedly been moaning about how hard it is to find themselves a girl in Bangkok. Are they taking the piss or what? It seems that they reckon Thai women have impossibly high standards. Well, you only have to look at some of the couples wandering around Pattaya to see just how right they are. be seeing you monkeyman

Get involved with something like Google Ads and the next thing you know there'll be problems with "inappropriate content" upsetting their advertisers and they'll effectively end up dictating what we can and can't post (remind anyone of another board?) That would be the end of this board as we know it. LordFlash's suggestion is certainly worthy of further consideration.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap and best wishes to all, and welcome to this month’s trip down Pattaya’s Loony Lane as the bans pile up and the insanity bar gets raised to even greater heights. So the Pattaya beach alcohol ban has now been joined by the new smoking ban, and of course we have the vaping ban as well. The authorities have obviously concluded that to get rid of beach litter you first have to get rid of all the tourists. Well this should do the trick. However, just in case it doesn’t, the powers that be came up with another little gem, the now widely reported ban on playing darts. The boys in brown have been raiding bars and confiscating dartboards because the bar owners don’t have a darts licence. Not entirely surprising really, as there’s no such thing as a darts licence. They seem to be of the opinion that playing darts can lead to more serious antisocial behaviour, such as playing bridge. Latest place to be raided is the HK Darts Bar after an undercover intelligence operation made the astonishing discovery that people were playing darts in there. And there’s still more. The latest targets for licences are dance floors and pool tables. Naturally, these licences don’t exist either and Bamboo Bar have already responded by getting rid of their dance floor. Could this be the end of dad dancing in Pattaya? On the plus side, it should close down all of those stinking pig discos for the foreseeable future (in Thailand, that’s about two days.) But what of the go go’s, we ask. Now, the way we look at is that go go’s don’t have dance floors, they have stages. Different thing altogether, we think. But if it turns out that it isn’t, the go go girls will just have to stop dancing. Oh, it’s okay, apparently they stopped years ago. Looking at all this, one can’t help but wonder exactly what kind of tourists Thailand wants. Presumably ones who don’t dance and don’t play darts, bridge or pool. Shit, it’s the bloody Chinese, isn’t it? Speaking of which, this month heralds the arrival of the Chinese Year of the Dog, and it looks like some of the go go bars have started celebrating it already. This new Pump Station looks rather less appealing than the others… It was incorrectly reported recently that a Ukrainian man was killed by a Pole at Bali Hai Pier after touching up some Electric Blue loose women. What actually happened was that a Ukrainian man was killed after touching a pole electrified by some loose wiring. You see how easily these misunderstandings can arise? Following a tip-off a couple of weeks ago, police arrested a Thai bloke and discovered 200 yabba tablets concealed in his anus. A police spokesman said he hoped the publicity surrounding this arrest would deter people from buying any more drugs from this man. Well yes, we think it probably will. In a bid to “protect marine life”, Thailand is to ban plastic cap seals on bottled water from, we kid you not, April 1. This will also help to reduce beach litter, as shop owners are planning to collect up all the discarded plastic bottles from the beach and refill them with tap water. The new beach smoking ban seems to be going well… A wee bit of bar news now, and we’ll start with Bad Girls A Go Go, which fell foul of the new licensing regulations and is now a massage parlour. Marilyn Monroe A Go Go seems to have emulated its namesake with a premature demise. And Top One is no longer a Go Go and is also no longer man-friendly, if you know what we mean. Following a recent incident where holidaymakers were injured in a speedboat blaze, tourist police have been carrying out checks on Pattaya’s watersports operators. So far they’ve managed to check out one jet ski operator and nine go go bars with shower shows. Another whiff of nostalgia, with a quartet of tales from Monkeywatch of February 2008… “There’s been a bit of controversy lately about the increasing number of bars charging entrance fees to non-farangs. This is apparently because such people are classed as undesirables, though coughing up the asking price of up to 600 baht somehow seems to magically transport them upwards to a more hallowed level on the desirability ladder. Following an English police operation into the running of brothels in that fair land, the Far East Rock owner has been jailed in the UK. We later heard that, in the best traditions of political tit-for-tat, the UK Rock owner has been jailed in the Far East. Rescue workers were called to a house in Naklua the other Thursday after a monkey went berserk and attacked a couple of students. Press statements said that no police were involved in the incident, so it sounds like the monkey didn’t have any backup. The much-heralded smoking ban in bars comes into force on 11 February, though we understand that there’s a place called Throb where the staff will be more than happy to lend a hand if you really fancy a puff.” More helpful information for tourists… A Pattaya police officer has been praised for putting results before awards. Very commendable, unless the officer in question was in the process of compiling a dictionary. Pattaya temples are under police investigation after allegations that fraudulent activities are taking place on their premises, particularly regarding the sale of amulets. Tourists have complained that amulets are overpriced and have dubious history and provenance. One Chinese tourist was informed by an antiques expert that the amulet he bought may not have been worth the very high asking price as it was in fact part of a key fob from a Toyota Hilux. Finally, following inter-racial punch-ups on Soi 6 and Walking Street recently, we were thinking how nice it would be if, in a show of harmony and brotherhood, people from all races, creeds and cultures could band together in a spirit of respect and togetherness – and beat seven bells of shit out of the feminazis and the PC cornflakes. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, it is indeed the plot next to Sabai Wing, so anyone planning to stay there in the near future should bear this in mind when booking a room.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and a big core coon crap for joining us for more Pattaya stories just as TAT proclaims that Pattaya was visited by 150,000 tourists over Christmas – well they would, wouldn’t they? Once again, Pattaya ushered in the New Year in its own inimitable style. Sek Loso, the headline act booked for the New Year Countdown Concert, didn’t show up as he’d been thrown in jail by the police a few hours earlier. The remaining acts tried to make the best of it but didn’t fare too well as even the Thais didn’t seem to know who they were. The one exception was the F’off Band, who seemed to be recognised by the many spectators who shouted out their name throughout the performance. The assembled crowd were then treated to four minutes of fireworks and told to bugger off home. The slogan to promote this debacle was “We’ve Waited All Year For This.” One couldn’t help but come away with the impression that most of the attendees wouldn’t have minded waiting a bit longer. Remember the Chang umbrella saga, when city officials said it was okay to display the brand on beach brollies as they were advertising Chang water and not beer? Well, the national authorities weren’t having any of it and have told them to bin the whole bloody lot, making it clear that sponsors should have no connection to alcohol whatsoever. The Pattaya Business & Tourism Association is now inviting other businesses to have their logos displayed on the beach umbrellas and PBTA members were invited to a meeting where they were shown an example of an umbrella without any logos. Or to put it another way, a plain umbrella. They really should get out more often. A middle-aged Norwegian bloke went into a bar opposite his Pattaya home just after midnight the other Tuesday and told the staff to turn the music down and the customers to shut the fuck up, so they got together and kicked his head in. Another one for Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Expected. Silly bugger. Why put up with your country’s miserable rainy weather when you could be in Pattaya?... A Thai clinic is offering a new service to its customers – penis whitening. Yes, if you think your dick’s a bit on the dark side, this is the one for you. This remarkable treatment is apparently performed by applying a laser to the client’s penis, but its introduction has led to the walls of the clinic accruing a certain amount of graffiti, most notably “No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.” Thailand is considering introducing a new tax on single-use plastic bags in order to reduce their numbers and protect the environment, though some want them banned altogether as they make a mess of the beaches. In that case, perhaps they should consider a ban on single-use condoms as well, as this idea has already been successfully employed in Pattaya by members of some of the more disreputable ethnic groups. Thailand’s airports conducted a safety campaign over the New Year holiday in response to the anticipated increase in tourist numbers during this period. As part of this exercise, immigration officers were issued with new equipment including batons, water cannons, tear gas grenades and tasers. When asked how this would make things safer for tourists, a spokesman said “Our people have to be properly equipped to deal with any troublemakers.” When quizzed as to which tourists he considered to be troublemakers, he replied “Well, all of them really.” The new Islamic State Resort Hotel is temporarily closed after sustaining some minor damage during its opening night party… New Year bar news now, and we start with Bad Girls a Go Go. Remember when the place opened back in November and we couldn’t figure out how they’d managed to get round the ban on new Walking Street Go Go’s? Well, it looks like maybe they didn’t as the place has now shut down. Gold a Go Go has also shut down, though that’s no great surprise as it seems to happen pretty well every month. Top One a Go Go, on the other hand, closed down but has now reopened, as will Mandarin a Go Go any time now. Waka Waka has also closed, allegedly because of road works but more likely because the Indian owner didn’t have the right business plan. Get some Indian girls in, matey, and you’ll clean up. Officials have launched a new campaign to encourage moto-taxi passengers to wear the helmets offered to them by the riders. As these helmets tend to smell like the inside of a Turkish wrestler’s jock strap, police have supplied 300 lucky moto-taxi drivers with new scented passenger helmets for the enjoyment of their lucky customers, who’ll end up with dandruff that smells like Marilyn Monroe. Time to rewind once again, with a pair of pieces from Monkeywatch in January 2008… There was a bit of a ruckus at the Pattaya Elephant Village the other week when an elephant went berserk after suddenly becoming sexually aroused for no apparent reason. A local vet had to be called in to relieve the animal’s condition, though after telling police he was glad to lend a hand he was promptly arrested and placed on the sex offenders’ register. A German tourist had his mobile phone nicked on Beach Road a few days ago by what was described in the press as a “broke transsexual”. Guess he must have needed some money to get himself mended. Come to Pattaya and find yourself a real dish… A Thai bloke was arrested on Walking Street last Monday for selling fake drugs to tourists. “This kind of thing is very bad for Pattaya’s image” said a spokesman, “If tourists are paying for real drugs, that’s what they should be getting.” It’s been announced that The Royal Thai Navy has released 33 sea turtles. Guess they didn’t have enough evidence to charge them. Thailand plans to have no less than 367,000 CCTV cameras operational by 2019. Big Buddha is watching you. Finally, following a local media story that Pattaya police were hunting for some sex group participants, it’s been reported that over 100 people turned up at the Soi 9 police station to ask if they could volunteer. be seeing you monkeyman

If you liked Sabai Wing before but had issues with the age of the rooms, have you considered their newer Studio or Superior rooms that were only built a couple of years ago? They're also actually cheaper than the old Sabai Wing rooms, which haven't been refurbed other than having the old CRT televisions replaced with wall-mounted LCD ones.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a festive showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this year’s yuletide goings on in Santa Pattaya. Jingle bahts, jingle bahts, jingle all the way…bah, humbug. A couple of jet ski operators have been arrested after a Chinese tourist accused them of stealing stuff worth a million baht from his bag while he went swimming in the sea off the coast of Koh Larn. A million baht? Christ on a bike, what did he have in the bag? A couple of giant pandas and the fuckin’ tour bus? This story is just so hard to believe. Jet Ski operators bring arrested? There’s a new live TV game show being filmed every week in Hooters called ‘Face The Clock. This is not to be confused with the old game show ‘Face The Cock’ that’s been performed live on Soi 6 for decades. The tourist police have been paying visits to Pattaya beach and shaking down local boat owners to make sure their vessels are licensed, safe and seaworthy. They also told the boat owners that they should instruct passengers in the use of life jackets and safe swimming, as they’ll probably need both of these skills if they’re daft enough to hire one of these floating death traps. Proof that Pattaya tourism really is a rip-off… If Thai food is so good, how come so many Thai birds want to go to sushi restaurants all the time? Bloody horrible stuff. How many different ways can you serve slime? The only upside is that some of them serve the food on a naked woman lying across the table, so if you ever go to one of these places, make sure you don’t have enough money to pay the bill then they’ll make you do the washing up. Traffic police have started issuing the new style tickets introduced by the big cheeses in Bangkok. These are much more hi-tech than the old ones, featuring barcodes and check boxes in place of the old indecipherable scribble. Bet they even tell you which of the cop’s pockets to put the money in. Fortunately, Pattaya police are very easy to spot during the Christmas period – they’ve all got a sprig of mistletoe down the back of their trousers. Pattaya has begun a PR campaign to inform tourists about the beach smoking ban that’s being introduced in February to rid the beach of cigarette butts. Flyers were handed out and signs waved to let people know that if they light up on the beach in future they’ll go to prison for the rest of their lives. In an attempt to appease dissenters, onlookers were shown designated smoking areas that have been set up behind the deckchairs. When someone remarked that there was nowhere in these areas to deposit cigarette butts, he was told “No problem. Just chuck ‘em on the beach.” Tinned stinking pig is now available on Soi 1… Very little in the way of bar news this month. Upstairs A Go Go has been replaced by Cocoon, a go go and show bar featuring some kind of acrobatic show. No black girls though. And 4Play A Go Go has opened on Soi 6, replacing something or other. City Hall has finally announced that it is to repair all of Pattaya’s one thousand or so broken CCTV cameras. Work crews are currently surveying the city to determine which cameras need repairing or replacing. The City Council chairman has instructed the relevant departments to get the job done as quickly as possible, but added that “New cameras should be procured without corruption and at market prices.” Anybody spotted the problem? A visitation from ghosts of Christmas past, with a couple of yuletide tales from Monkeywatch of December 2007… “An unusual story recently emerged from the Reung Yoong Tong Village in Sattahip, where residents have devised an ingenious way of stopping stray dogs pissing outside their houses. They put plastic bottles full of water around the perimeter and when a dog comes for a piddle, he eyes his own reflection, which he thinks to be a hostile animal, and off he goes. Hence the expression “Yoong Tong piddle eye go” (if you’re under 50, ask your dad to explain it to you). It’s been rumoured that a few Go Go owners are thinking of trying it out to see if it works on Chinese tourists. It’s been revealed that City Hall has given 4 million baht to the Tourist Authority of Thailand to promote Pattaya after a survey revealed that most young Thai tourists come to the city for the late night entertainment. The campaign, known as “Pattaya 3 Months Non-Stop Fun”, will run until the end of the year in order to promote the benefits of the city’s late night entertainment venues and other fun activities. Unfortunately, this intrepid venture was unveiled at just about the same time as the boys in brown were closing all the bars at 1pm and it was announced that fireworks would be banned for Loy Krathong. You really need to get your heads together on this one, boys.” Looks like the deckchair operators’ plots have been downsized even more… A South Korean tourist was beaten unconscious by a group of baht bus drivers a few days ago after he got into an argument with one of them. For the last time, the fare’s 10 bloody baht. Why don’t people listen? Pattaya tourist officials have reported that the trend for visitors is away from package tours and towards independent travel, which when translated means less Chinese and more Europeans. They say this is a good thing, as independent travellers spend more. Which is of course the exact opposite to what they were saying 10 years ago, when they derided European visitors because “they spend little”, and then opened the flood gates to a tsunami of assorted stinking pigs from the arseholes of Asia by offering them various incentives to choose Thailand as the destination of choice for their penniless carcases. It’d be organised chaos if they could find someone to organise it. It’s been reported that the CPDC has opened two new dorms in Pattaya. Absolutely no idea what that means, but thought you might like to know. Knowledge is power and all that. Finally, in a Monkeywatch poll to find the worst bar in Pattaya, they all won. Merry Christmas. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, a tad on the late side this time out. Hopefully the December edition will be little more timely.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome once more as Pattaya returns to normal and a new era dawns (oh no, not another one.) Well, the Pattaya beach revolution is over and done, with all operators using the new chairs and umbrellas supplied by City Hall, and everything is just fine and dandy. Except that tourists keep falling out of the chairs because they weren’t designed to be used on sand. And the cushions get so hot that nobody can sit on them. And the new umbrellas carry adverts for Chang beer, which makes them illegal under the Alcohol Beverage Control Act. Oh, and the operators have doubled their prices. Going well, isn’t it? In a further development, City Hall has issued a rebuttal to questions about the Chang adverts on the brollies by saying that they aren’t advertising alcohol as Chang produces water as well as beer. Well that’s true enough – local drinkers have been saying it for bloody years. The beach smoking ban due to start at the beginning of November has been put on hold for three months. Just time to finish that King Edward cigar then. It doesn’t really matter though, as they’ve now decided to close the beach altogether… A Pakistani restaurant owner strolled into Soi 9 police station the other night to report he’d been stabbed in the neck after an argument with group of men at his premises. The police told him the incident would be investigated urgently as they’d received a directive to prioritise all cases of discrimination against stinking pigs. The man took extreme exception to being referred to in this manner so the Duty Officer punched him in the face and threw him in the cells. Case closed. To make things look good for the International Fleet Show, overnight work crews have been filling in the holes on Pattaya Beach so everything would look all nice and tidy for the visiting dignitaries. So where did they get the sand to fill in the holes? By digging more holes of course. They’ve carefully planned the operation so the new holes are always one step behind the dignitaries. So who says the Thais aren’t clever then? Everybody. The Fleet Show Parade duly went ahead, and spectators were treated to the spectacle of watching the participants marching around for three hours knee deep in sewage filled flood water. The parade was supposed to be about “culture and colour”, both of which were clearly abundant in the murky liquid shit sloshing around everyone’s legs. And if that wasn’t enough, the beach umbrella vendors were shut down for the entire event. Another triumph for local tourism. We might if we knew what the bloody hell it was… Bar news next, and we start with the opening of Bad Girls A Go Go on Walking Street. Now, given that this is on the waterfront side of the street and wasn’t previously a Go Go, how the bloody hell did they get round the no new Go Go licence rule that closed Frog and Pacha before they even opened? Enquiring minds need to know (because nobody else gives a shit). Anyway, moving on, Gold Club A Go Go has opened on LK Metro (again) and Marilyn Monroe A Go Go has opened where that little wop restaurant used to be on Walking Street. Not as good as the old Marilyn then, which was a go go bar and possibly also a restaurant, as it’s claimed you could get toad in the hole there. A foreign bloke was found dead in South Pattaya last week in what the police described as ‘mysterious circumstances’. So he didn’t end up as the usual pool of goo at the bottom of a high rise building then. The Thai police and army have been ordered to adopt a new short haircut as part of a new dress code in the interests of uniformity and discipline. The photos of this new look suggest that we’re about to be faced with the prospect of having nearly half a million police and army personnel who look like Kim Jong-un. That should boost tourism no end. That “24 OPEN” sign looks to be a little on the optimistic side… Forward to the past now, with a brace of bits from Monkeywatch of November 2007… “On the entertainment front, Lollipop A Go Go is shaping up to be the latest addition to the Walking Street line up and should be opening its doors for business shortly. The rumour is that if you turn up on the opening night you’ll get a free lollipop. Nice idea – let’s hope it catches on at Climax Bar. City Hall has approved plans for a second Walking Street in Pattaya. Walking Street Old Town, as it is to be called, will be situated in Naklua and will consist of 80 premises selling locally produced items. Well, if Issan counts as local, it sounds pretty much the same as the current Walking Street.” Finally, a study has shown that Thai women are now the second fattest in Asia. No indication was given as to exactly where this statistic was obtained, but one suspects that the researchers spent a bit too much time in Pattaya go go bars. Well, don’t we all? be seeing you monkeyman

I'm in the airline's membership scheme so they already told my details.

I've used those machines and there wasn't any need to check in online first. The girls probably didn't put their passports in the machine properly, possibly because the on-screen instructions tell you to put them in the wrong way round.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to this month’s sombre lockdown look at No Fun City. Following the success of the Wednesday deckchair ban in ridding the beach of holidaymakers, the authorities have taken further steps to free Pattaya from the scourge of tourism by banning smoking and the sale of alcohol on all beaches. So what will the next beach ban be then? Shorts and sandals? Bastards. An Iranian bloke was given a good kicking in the wee hours (nasty) after he and his mate were set upon by some Thai blokes and his alleged buddy ran off and left him to it. He told police that the pair of them had just been innocently admiring the views, but the police officer who took the statement wasn’t convinced and warned him that if it was found that the attackers had been provoked by any kind of stinking piggery he’d be chucked in the slammer before his flip flops touched the ground. Police received a complaint from a Chonburi woman after she went for a Thai massage and during the proceedings the masseur somehow managed to break her leg. This particular massage is apparently known as ‘jap sai’ (or something like that) and can be a little on the vigorous side. Anyway, if you want a massage with an unhappy ending, that seems to be the place to go. Very effective new sign in Pattaya. Police are reporting 100 per cent compliance… Pattaya Complaint Center has proudly announced that it dealt with 7500 complaints in the last year, though they conveniently forgot to mention that half the complaints were against them for the incompetent way they’d handled the other half. Thefts from hotel rooms in Pattaya are not exactly uncommon, but someone may have broken new ground by stealing the thermostat control from the aircon unit in his room. Just disconnected it, unscrewed it from the wall and checked out as cool as you like, which is more than can be said for the poor bugger who got the room after him. The new baht bus stops are being treated with the anticipated level of contempt, with the exception of the last stop on Beach Road. This may have something to do with there being a traffic cop stationed just around the corner, along with a man in an orange jacket brandishing a whistle. Now it’s generally accepted that under no circumstances should you ever give a Thai man a hammer or a whistle. If he’s got both, get the hammer off him and use it on the bloody whistle. Another piece of useful advice… Bar news now, and the old Armageddon Bar on LK Metro has finally reappeared as Pulse A Go Go. On Soi Diamond, Center Club has opened where Maxine’s once stood. Good to see Rock Street back on top form after being rebuilt following the suicide squirrel attack, and with aircon too – nice. An Indian doctor who complained that a baht bus driver had called him a stinking pig has received an apology from the Baht Bus Drivers Association. They accepted that a man of his professional stature should be treated with more respect and have instructed that all drivers should in future refer to him as ‘Doctor Stinking Pig’. Drifting back in time now, with a trio of snippets from Monkeywatch in October 2007… “A survey was carried out recently asking the girls in Pattaya what they enjoyed most about young farang blokes, to which most of them replied “laughing at their shorts”. We’ll spare the blushes of you older fellers by not reporting what it was about you that made them laugh the most. We often wonder how fellers manage to convince their families and friends that some of the girls they’ve brought home have never worked in a bar. It’s hard to imagine that even the most devoted kith and kin, when confronted with this vision of peroxide, tattoos and chewing gum, could be persuaded that it was studying to be a marine biologist. Now here’s something you don’t hear about every day. A week or so ago, the ever-vigilant boys in brown carried out a raid on, of all places, a furniture shop. Not sure what they were looking for. A table showing too much leg perhaps?” And of course, these things are also with us now, but nobody seems to know what they are… A buffalo ran amok through the streets a couple of weeks ago after it escaped from the Buddhist Lent races. Six people were taken to hospital after getting the horn before the beast could be brought under control. The hapless animal has apparently since been sold to McDonalds, the reason for which has been the subject of much speculation. You’re all no doubt familiar with the good luck ritual carried out in Go Go Bars that ends with a naked girl throwing a bucket of iced water between her legs and out of the door. Well in one bar, the doorman didn’t warn an approaching punter and he had the whole lot thrown over his dick. He walked into the place looking like he’d pissed himself, though by now he was the only person in there who hadn’t. Finally, a laundry shop was blown to smithereens last week after a dryer exploded and devastated the surrounding vicinity. Sounds like everybody lost their shirt on that deal. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once more, and welcome to this month’s round up of daily life in Smirk City. Yes, it’s finally happened. After a six month delay, the Pattaya Klang Underpass opened on August 25 to a great hullabaloo and celebration. After he’d sobered up, the transport minister said the tunnel was very important as it was an integral part of the main artery into Pattaya. No doubt the first heart attack won’t be long in coming. Following a leaked report, City Hall has admitted that less than half the CCTV cameras in Pattaya are in working order. When confronted with a further report showing that in fact not a single camera was working in the entire city, a spokesman said “Well that’s less than half, isn’t it?” Police arrested a Thai bloke the other week after some locals had detained him for raping a 70 year old Thai woman. The attack took place in South Pattaya though it is not yet known which Go Go Bar she was working for at the time. Nice to see that the animals in Pattaya are every bit as industrious as the locals… Pattaya Police have been ordered to take Zumba lessons opposite the police station on Beach Road in order to improve their performance. It does seem to have worked though, as they reportedly finished second in the Thailand Police Ballroom Dancing Championship last week. Yet another fire broke out on Walking Street last month, this time at Iron Club. An air con technician who witnessed the event later attended an identity parade of possible suspects but was unable to make any identification, saying that “All squirrels look the same to me.” The government has said they’re going to look at the serious problem with sewage in Pattaya. When asked what they were going to do about it, a spokesman said “Nothing. We’re just going to look at it”. The latest of a round of beauty contests was held in Pattaya a couple of weeks back when Central Festival Pattaya Beach hosted the crowning of Miss Pattaya Motor Show. Seems like a nice boy. Must be the dish of the day… Bar news is pretty sparse again this month. That old chestnut Far East Rock has closed, though some reports say it’ll reopen after a major refit. Let’s hope so – it may be crap but it’s part of our national heritage. The former Kiss has become Chaos A Go Go, perhaps to cater for customers of neighbouring Kaos who know how to spell. And Yes A Go Go has opened on Soi Diamond in place of the old Superbaby. The Boutique Hotel, the building on Soi VC that’s been demolished twice by two different contractors but is still standing, may finally run down the curtain and join the choir invisible with the appointment of yet another contractor to get the job finished – maybe. They’ve already started demolishing the hotel, but seem to have managed to demolish most of the neighbouring houses in the process. There’s just no middle ground with the Thais, is there? They either do jack shit or they pile in like a bull in a china shop. Another Pattaya history lesson now, with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of September 2007… “Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’. The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class. Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week.” Pattaya has introduced a new fleet of taxis to cater for the needs of the budget conscious Asian tourist… Forget about bar raids, the authorities have found themselves a new target - bird’s nest soup sellers. They’ve carried out raids on seven restaurants and found that they were all using gum instead of bird’s nests to prepare their dishes. Interesting that it went undetected for so long. If your average Joe opened pack of gum and there was a bird’s nest inside, chances are he’d probably spot the difference fairly quickly. A British bloke was arrested in Phnom Penh last week after running amok stark bollock naked and attacking people with a baton. Police told him that such behaviour is totally unacceptable in Cambodia and suggested that he took his future holidays in Pattaya. Not to be outdone, a German bloke was arrested this week for riding round Pattaya naked on a unicycle while wanking himself off. Another giant leap forward for quality tourism. September 3 saw the running of the 2017 Pattaya Marathon. Running? The usual idea of a marathon in Pattaya is 25 beers and a curry. Finally, government sources in Washington DC have suggested that Donald Trump has a fear of slopes. Guess he won’t be visiting Thailand any time soon then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more envelope-pushing lunacy from the city that never sleeps – it just gets pissed and passes out. A website survey has voted Thailand as the most Chinese tourist friendly country in the world. The website stressed the importance of the Chinese to the Thai tourist industry and how important it was to take good care of them. Two Thai tour guides have been arrested in Pattaya for threatening and beating a group of budget Chinese tourists who refused to pay for expensive add-ons to their Cheap Charlie package holidays. The tour guides, who referred to the hapless tourists as “cheapskate yellow donkey droppings”, were charged with assault and working illegally. A Chinese tourist was robbed of a 150,000 baht platinum necklace by ladyboys on Soi 2 the other Wednesday, just days after another Chinese tourist was knocked to the ground and robbed of 30,000 baht and an iPhone as she walked along Pattaya North Road. The hat trick was completed the following day when a Chinese tourist was knocked unconscious and robbed of 18,000 baht and a smartphone in South Pattaya. Police warned Chinese tourists that they should avoid going out in public in groups of less than 20 if they don’t want to get robbed and have their heads kicked in by local muggers. Guess ‘tourist friendly’ must mean something different in Chinese. Walking Street may soon be known as The Darkside 2 with the authorities telling business owners to remove neon signs by the end of the month as they’re supposedly bad for the city’s image. Perhaps the authorities should set an example by demolishing that ghastly monstrosity they erected at the entrance. So this is good for the city’s image?.. Police were called to North Pattaya the other night after a Korean chap was given a good kicking in the Big C area (bet that hurt) by a gang of Thais. The motive for the assault is unclear, though it’s been suggested that it may have something to do with the Thais’ dislike of Koreans with stupid haircuts. Four Thais who were previously members of the Pattaya Police Volunteers have been jailed after being found guilty of killing a former colleague by chopping his head off with a spade. Police later released an African tourist they’d arrested as an accomplice following a misunderstanding relating to the murder weapon. A man was electrocuted the other night by a dangling electric cable while he was walking past the house of the district chief. The man was burned to a crisp and all the lights in the area were fused. The chief, who emerged from his house to see why his George Foreman electric pig roast had stopped working, said he took a dim view of the whole debacle (presumably because of the fused lights) and ordered the man’s remains to be scraped off the sidewalk and disposed of in “an appropriate manner”. What, never?.. Bar news now, and there’s a new Go Go opened in Soi Stinkingpigland 2 that goes by the name of WakaWaka, though some have suggested a more appropriate name might be WogaWoga (isn’t that somewhere in Australia?) Tantra A Go Go has now opened on Walking Street and Soi Diamond has been busy with the opening of Addiction Club, to be followed by Yes A Go Go in place of the old Superbaby. We also have re-openings for Ginza, Mandarin and Air Port. Ain’t life grand? Pattaya traffic police have announced that for a 60 day period, minor traffic offences will not be met with a fine but with a mandatory education course to make drivers more aware of traffic laws. So instead of a 400 baht fine you’ll get a training course – enrolment fee 1000 baht. Isn’t education wonderful? A dead Malaysian tourist was found on the beach in Central Pattaya last week. He is thought to have drowned after entering the water, though suicide has been ruled out as it would’ve been quicker to drink it. More blasts from the past now with a trio of short snippets from Monkeywatch of August 2007… “We begin with the unusual story of the Welshman who died at Llandough Hospital in Wales just weeks after being stung by a scorpion in a Thai jungle. The moral of this story is that you’re safer in a Thai jungle than a British hospital. And none of the newspapers reported the scorpion’s side of the story either. Typical media bias. A chef was arrested at Bali Hai Port the other week for allegedly taking photographs up the skirts of female passers-by. The arresting officer was apparently unimpressed with his excuse that he was just looking up some old acquaintances. Yet more rampant criminality was evident on Walking Street a few days ago when the Prince Tailor Shop was broken into and goods reckoned to be worth 100,000 baht were stolen. Makes you wonder what the thieves are going to do with 10,000 suits.” Looks like they’re not expecting much of an audience… Hilton Pattaya is reported to have spontaneously donated 30 fire extinguishers to Pattaya Police Station for some reason. Interestingly, the same hotel was awarded the title of “Thailand’s Leading Lifestyle Hotel 2017” just a few days earlier, but the two events are surely unrelated - aren’t they? There’s a rumour going round that a shitload of guest houses will be opening on Soi 6 in the not too distant future. Could this be a sign that Pattaya is getting more family friendly? Nope, it’s a sign that Soi 6 bar owners have been told they must register as guest houses if they want to let punters use their upstairs rooms. So there you go - same shit, new name. The Thai media has started a campaign to clean up Pattaya, referring to the place’s shame and filth. This time, however, they’re just talking about the state of the beach, variously comparing it to a building site, a rubbish dump and a cess pool. So there you go – same shit, same name. Finally, beach vendors have complained to City Hall that beggars are harassing tourists and generally making a nuisance of themselves. Pots and kettles? be seeing you monkeyman

There are three designated stopping zones outside A-One Royal Cruise Hotel, Hard Rock Hotel and Royal Garden Plaza.