monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a big core coup crap for looking in once again, and welcome to this month’s midsummer military mayhem. Well, the big news of the month was obviously the military coup and particularly that nasty 10 pm to 5am curfew. All bars were affected except for JP Bar, as they don’t open before 5am anyway. Apart from the early bar closings, there was a ban on gatherings of more than five people, which resulted in several hundred Indian tourists being ejected from their hotel rooms. A Thai cable TV worker was left bereft of transportation after parking his motorcycle in Central Pattaya then having it stolen seconds later by a man described as “overweight”. Twenty thousand farangs are helping police with their enquiries. Four Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station in the early hours of the morning the other Friday claiming they’d each been robbed of a gold necklace by ladyboys on Beach Road. The ladyboys had allegedly approached the men by Soi 13 and embraced them while stealing all four of their necklaces, which were amazingly each worth exactly 50,000 rupees. Police made out a report for insurance purposes, though they were unable to decide whether to file it under ‘Stinking Pigs’ or ‘Flying Pigs’. One way to beat the curfew is to travel round the drains in a snorkel… There’s been some discussion about how the Pattaya scene is being killed off by the Agency Model. Is there anything that can be done to reverse the trend? Well, all you have to do is get the bar owners to put up a united front and collectively agree not to employ these girls. So nothing can be done then. Police were called to a small local village in East Pattaya after residents detained a 21 year old man who was said to have sexually assaulted a 74 year old woman in her own home. A spokesman said that the man had been questioned and was facing a charge of necrophilia with an underage woman. A Thai teenager was arrested for shoplifting in a 7-Eleven store in Central Pattaya the other Friday after he was found to have concealed a bottle of sunscreen down the front of his trousers. He was taken to Dongtan Police station for further questioning. You can’t hide a farang woman by leaving her in the car… Bar news now, and Glasshouse a Go Go on Walking Street has reopened as Ginza II. The original Ginza is now closing for a refurb and will be reborn as, wait for it, Ginza I. Don’t know how they think these names up. The old Teazers/Shhh joint is to reopen as Crazy House A Go Go, not to be confused with the place up the road called Crazy Horse, where one assumes the owners were a little confused as to where Indian tourists actually come from. And Living Dolls Showcase has been closed for 60 days following a police raid. Anyone for tiffin? A female motorcycle taxi driver became impaled on a rod in East Pattaya the other Thursday while walking round a construction site. A familiar story in Pattaya – apart from the bits about ‘motorcycle taxi driver’ and ‘construction site’. A couple of Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station a couple of weeks ago and made the astonishing claim that they’d been scammed by jet ski operators. Or to be more precise, they’d refused to pay up for the alleged damage and been given a good kicking by five Thai blokes. The victims then showed the police some video footage they’d taken of the attack which quite clearly identified two of the assailants but were informed that a conviction was unlikely given the limited evidence available. Bet Oscar Pistorius wishes his trial was in Pattaya. If he gets off, his lawyer will probably be getting a call from Charles Manson. For those of you who aren’t in Pattaya at the moment, here’s a panoramic view of Walking Street just after midnight last night… Following a spate of accidents since the installation of the new booms in the sea off Pattaya beach, officials are looking at ways to make them safer. They first tried splitting the booms into two narrower sections to discourage people from walking on them, but this idea was abandoned after a tourist decided to straddle them and had his penis bitten off by a thresher shark. Safety officers have now decided that the best way to make the booms safer is to glue broken glass along the top. In an attempt to stop beach erosion in Pattaya, City Hall has spent 3.1 million baht on sandbags which are currently being installed along Beach Road. This follows the time-honoured Thai tradition of “we’ve tried this idea before and it didn’t work then so let’s try exactly the same thing again and see if it works now”. The sandbags are reportedly being installed using all the city’s backhoes, so Boyztown is in for a few quiet nights. Finally, a raid was carried out the other Tuesday to rid Beach Road of “prostitutes and other criminal elements.” We’ll let you know as soon as we find out where they’ve moved the police station. Oh, and the curfew’s just been lifted. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to our newest selection of salacious snippets. Game on. Well, Songkran has come round again, and it brought forth some novel events, including a ‘Drink, Dive, Duck’ party at the A-One Royal Cruise Hotel. Unfortunately, the marketing executive who devised it was stopped by police on his way back home for driving erratically and ended up attending a 'Drink, Drive, Fucked' party at Pattaya Police Station. Another special event organised for Songkran was a Buddhist Relics Parade that took place throughout the streets of Pattaya on April 13. The relics in question were obtained from the Sanctuary of Truth, though some suggested that they could have got better ones from some of the local Go Go Bars. A number of people were arrested in the Siren Beer Bar Complex a couple of weeks ago after police caught them playing “Hi-Low” for money on a pool table. The police carried out the raid following a tip-off, but initially had difficulty finding these lawbreakers as they were hiding behind a group of prostitutes and drug dealers. That old favourite table football is making a comeback in Pattaya after being modified for the Chinese market… A Thai bloke was injured the other Thursday after falling off the roof of his condo while trying to get a better WiFi signal for his smart phone. This is the second tragedy to hit the family, his brother having previously drowned in Pattaya Bay while trying to get a better sonar signal for his submarine. It’s been reported that there was a drop in the number of Japanese tourists visiting Pattaya during April. This may be due to them staying home for Japan’s Annual Penis Festival on the first Sunday of last month, though attendance was said to be low as no-one could find it. A local karaoke bar seems to have developed a new way of measuring the popularity of its performers. When a drunken woman grabbed the microphone and started singing in a manner that was appalling even by karaoke bar standards, the audience responded by smashing a couple of bottles in her face. Simon Cowell is said to be considering using this method of contestant appraisal in the next series of The X-Factor. Following the recent political unrest in Thailand, Pattaya has taken delivery of a number of ground-to-air missiles, though they’ve all been gaily painted so they blend in with the city’s atmosphere of carefree holiday fun… Time for bar news, and the big story this month is that there isn’t a big story this month. Or too many little ones for that matter. Harem has opened on Walking Street where the G-U-Y poof club used to be. FLB is still a work in progress, though it’s starting to look much nicer now. And the former Silver Star on Walking Street is to reopen as Hades Coyote Club. Don’t all rush at once. It’s been announced that Thai clothing companies are to supply football strips for 10 teams competing in the 2014 World Cup. So next time you buy some cheap knock-off crap from a Thai sports clothing vendor and it falls to pieces the next day, don’t go back to the stall and kick him in the balls – it might be the genuine article. Local authorities had to send a clean-up team to Jomtien the other Thursday after reports that a 2 km stretch of the beach was covered in oil. An Environment Agency spokesman said the situation has now been rectified and should not occur again as a new law has been passed requiring all Elvis impersonators to wear bathing caps. So the Bugatti Veyron is a great car because it has 16 cylinders? Well, so has this truck in Soi 1. Count ‘em… As part of the Thai New Year celebrations, The Fountain of Life Children’s Center organised an event to show 50 lucky kids the traditional side and spiritual meaning of the Songkran festival. They herded them onto the car park and turned a water cannon on them. A Bangkok taxi driver was scammed out of 3500 baht the other week by a Thai chappie in Pattaya. Apparently, the chap approached the taxi and told the driver he worked for a hotel where a foreign customer was willing to pay 12000 baht for a provincial tour. However, he wanted 3500 baht up front before he’d introduce the driver to the customer. The pair proceeded to the hotel where the 3500 baht was handed over and the driver was told to wait in the car park while chummie went inside and fetched the customer. Our witless wonder waited patiently on the car park for an hour and then started to get suspicious, so he went into the hotel and was told that, surprise surprise, the Thai bloke didn’t work for them and the foreign customer didn’t exist. Reckon this dude’s brain is the only thing on earth smaller than the exhibits at that Japanese Penis Festival. Finally, Thaksin Shinawatra has appealed to Thais to use Songkran as a starting point for forgiving and forgetting the events of the past and rediscovering their traditional values and culture. For those who don’t know, Thaksin is the bloke who used to run Thailand but is best remembered for buying a Tie Rack tie and then naming his political party after it. be seeing you monkeyman

That's true. Some blocks of seats are allocated before the 100 day deadline.

Shoes are stored and claimed using a bowling alley type set up, so you should get them back with any luck.

Definitely worth a visit, but avoid weekends as the place is overrun with kids.

On carefully arranged piles of bricks and sand bags, and even on their own little portable chairs. It's been quite an invention test for them.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to a further taste of tantalising titillation from testosterone town. Well, once again it was time for the Pattaya Music Festival to happen, and happen it did. The word ‘International’ was noticeably absent from the title of this year’s event, probably because all the international acts that were supposed to be appearing were noticeably absent as well. Nevertheless, the concerts at the six beachfront stages were standing-room only – someone forgot to order the seats. The new jumping season is already well underway with a bloke from Finland taking the plunge from an 18 storey block in Jomtien. It’s being described as a ‘presumed suicide’, which seems a little strange as he’d only just started his visit. Guess it ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish. A group of officials from Uthai Thani visited Pattaya last month to see how the city’s management and administration processes work. No doubt they found it to be a most enriching and enlightening experience, and were surely filled with delight when cascading their acquired wisdom to fascinated colleagues on their return home. Police have been instructed to clamp down on Indian tourists parking their vehicles illegally on Beach Road… If you fancy a change from Pattaya, a British tour company is offering three day breaks to Auschwitz for a very reasonable £159. Wonder what they sell in the souvenir shop? Can’t think that “We’ve been to Auschwitz” car stickers would be much of a goer. One bit of advice – if they offer you a room with bath or shower, go for the bath. Or better still, go to Colditz instead. Police were called to North Pattaya the other Thursday after a British tourist reported that his apartment had been burgled. Mr Kofi Frimpong (British?) said his safe had been opened and 500 baht, 50 yen and 300 pounds sterling had been taken, along with the runners-up medal his great great grandfather won at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift. Is that all? Think he needs a few tips from Indians on how to report a robbery. He told police he held a British passport, so they arrested him for theft. When are the powers that be going to come to their senses and put some bloody seats on Beach Road? What with that and the defoliation of the trees, it’s impossible to go for a decent walk by the beach without ending up in a worse state than Alec Guinness after they let him out of that metal box in ‘Bridge on the River Kwai’. What’s the matter with the people in charge? Are they bereft of buttocks? Or just brains? Remember that Indian Restaurant that was on Soi 1… Then it suddenly vanished… Well, it’s reappeared, but further down the Soi and on the other side. So if you’re in the area, keep an eye out for a Malaysian airliner… Bar news now, and FLB is up and running again, though it’s currently looking like Jimmy Wah’s bar in ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ after the bomb went off. Seems that the opening date and the refurb completion date didn’t quite match up. Should be nice when it’s all finished though. Sexy A Go Go on Soi 7 has closed, though it’s rumoured to be reopening in a few weeks. Silver Star 3 on Walking Street is temporarily closed for a refurb. And the Rahtree Complex on Soi Buakhao has been renamed Boom Boom. Well the name’s an improvement anyway. Another jet skier consigned to Davey Jones’ Locker last week, this time a Brit at Koh Larn. Still, could’ve been worse. Like that Indian bloke who had a head-on jet ski crash and ended up 50 feet away from his craft but left his bollocks swinging on the handlebars. Have to feel sorry for him. It can’t be nice to know that even if you got together with Jimmy White you still wouldn’t have any more balls than Hitler. Remember all those CCTV cameras that were installed around Pattaya to make it safer for tourists? Well, it seems that only 14 per cent of them are actually working. Fortunately, local convenience stores have shitloads of them, so make a dash for the nearest Family Mart or 7-Eleven next time you’re about to get your head kicked in. You know it makes sense. Despite the recent ban in Thailand, the illegal trading of elephant testicles continues to be a problem… The two owners of a Turkish ice cream parlour in Second Road were arrested the other Tuesday after having a knife fight outside their business premises. Strangely, when asked why they were fighting, one said it was about a passport and the other said it was about a fridge. Perhaps the two words sound similar in Turkish – especially when you’re pissed as a fart. A new organisation has been set up that will pay people involved in unfortunate incidents in Pattaya up to 100,000 baht. However, the ‘Help Tourists Victimized by Crimes in Pattaya City and Banglamung District Association’ (another catchy little name) will only cough up the baht if the person is involved in something that damages the tourist image of Pattaya. The Association has already been deluged with enquiries from jet ski operators, Russian tourists and several TAT officials who all want to know how to get their cut of the money. Finally, reports have come in about a one million baht fire at Nongprue Temple in East Pattaya. What a rip off. They could’ve got one much cheaper than that if they’d shopped around. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us, and welcome to this month’s squint at Smile City. Let’s get going. Heard a story the other week about chap in Pattaya who decided to have his name tattooed on his penis but gave up after the first letter. Some say he ran out of money, others that he just ran out of penis. We hear that a prize-winning Russian pianist gave a performance at a Pattaya hotel last Saturday. Or was that penis as well? No, probably not. That wouldn’t be news. A local woman was killed the other week after being attacked by her neighbour’s dogs on her own front step. Her family put in a claim for compensation but the insurance company refused to pay out as they said it was an Act of Dog. Pattaya’s new 3D cinema has finally opened, though reduced tourist revenues have meant that it’s a little less lavish than originally planned… Currently showing is the new Thai movie blockbuster ‘Monks On Jetskis’, and this will be followed by ‘Yawn’, a musical based on the life of Cliff Richard. Local officials have held an urgent meeting to discuss the dramatic failure of the Pattaya Beach Bus Stop Scheme, which was intended to ease traffic problems by making baht buses stop only at designated bus stops. It seems the baht bus drivers are using the no-stop rule as an excuse to drive through red lights and run over any policeman who tries to flag them down. The drivers say this is just in retaliation for the police hanging around the bottom of Beach Road and handing out tickets to any baht bus trapped in the middle of a traffic jam. A spokesman said the situation would be looked at urgently as soon as the jet ski problems have been resolved. A drunken Thai builder has been arrested for trying to rape a woman 31 years older than him. When asked what motivated the attack, he said he was a child molester but wasn’t very good at maths. Police are hunting a Swedish man after he conned a Thai bloke out of 100,000 baht by selling him a Rolex watch that turned out to be a fake. Now there’s something you don’t hear about every day – a farang scamming a Thai. The slippery Swede even reassured his victim by allowing him to photograph his passport (well, one of them anyway.) Here’s something you don’t often see when you’re sober… Bar news now, and once again FLB Bar makes the headlines, this time because of its impending resurrection next week, albeit under new management and a slight name change to Pattaya FLB Bar. Christ, even Frank Sinatra didn’t make a comeback that quickly. Anyway, good luck to the place and all who sail in her. Destiny A Go Go closed briefly for a refurb and is now back in action. Paradise A Go Go has also closed for an extensive makeover following its change of ownership. Booze Lounge 2 has opened on Soi Buakhao and might be of interest to anyone looking for an alternative hostess bar. And Cat’s Corner on Soi 14 has closed – bad news for F1 fans as it was one of the best bars to watch (and listen to) the races. And now, a new problem – beach booms. These are the gizmos that are supposed to protect swimmers from boats. They presumably don’t protect them from stupidity though, as a couple of cretinous anklebiters managed to injure themselves after trying to use one as a diving platform. Sounds like it won’t be long before the buoys are back in town. The beach booms should not be confused with beach boom booms and beach bums, which are entirely different problems. A march by 300 people took place in Sattahip last week, apparently to try to wipe out dengue fever. Can you really wipe out dengue fever by treading on it? “Hello, it’s about this self-assembly nuclear fallout shelter you sold me yesterday…” A man who had been impersonating an Immigration Officer was arrested by police on Koh Larn last Tuesday after reports that he had been threatening and abusing people, extorting money and generally throwing his weight around. Wonder what gave him away? A Russian who received hospital treatment for pain in his right knee was later found dead in his Jomtien apartment. Doctors described his condition as ‘satisfactory’. Finally, Pattaya officials have already begun planning for this year’s Songkran festivities – they’ve all buggered off to Barbados. be seeing you monkeyman

How about The Pleasure Dome? It never even opened.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another month’s shameless shenanigans. Here we go. A couple of young Russian lads had a bit of an unfortunate experience the other week after picking up a couple of Thai girls on Beach Road. When they got the girls back to their hotel, they discovered they weren’t quite as girlie as expected and a row broke out, followed by a fight that the ladyboys won. Our two hapless heroes then ran off to the police station, resulting in both themselves and the katoeys being arrested and bundled off to hospital to get themselves cleaned up. To top it all, the local hacks showed up and took some photos that were then splashed all over the internet for the delectation of the victims’ families and friends. Never mind lads, one day you’ll laugh about this. In around 50 years time, probably. A street vendor had a bit of bad luck when he fell down a big hole while crossing a construction site near the entrance to Beach Road in the early hours of the morning. Unfortunately, his artificial arms came off during the fall and he couldn’t get out again. He was helped out of the hole by passing tourists but the detached limbs were nowhere to be seen. Police later arrested a man after he was reported to be trying to sell them to a local arms dealer. A delivery driver was injured the other Wednesday after a falling bed landed on him. He was rushed to hospital where he was said to be in a serious condition and under his death bed. Pattaya’s Annual Shooting Competition has had to be cancelled after the manufacturer of the clay pigeons misread centimetres for metres... Here’s a new idea for Pattaya – tribute bars. When a well-known bar disappears from the scene, why not replace it with a similarly sounding copy, just like they do with bands? Anyone for Effing B Bar? Or Club Glue? We’re waiting for a certain Soi 15 show bar to shut so we can open Analbitch. Some people make a big thing about men in Pattaya going with much younger women like it never happened anywhere else, but as we know, that’s bollocks. Take Bruce Forsyth, for instance. His wife’s 40 years younger than him – but then so is his hair. And now, just for a change, a story about a jet ski scam. Five young Russian lads (it just ain’t their month, is it?) were forced to hand over 113,000 baht to jet ski operators after allegedly damaging all five of the craft they’d rented a few minutes earlier. They weren’t too keen on paying until two blokes who looked very slightly not unlike policemen told them to pay up if they didn’t want to spend the rest of their lives in a local nick pulling poofs out of their buttocks. They coughed up, but not before taking photos of each of the 22,600 baht scratches and handing them to the local plod. The case continues. If you need an umbrella with a built in satellite dish, this is where to get it... Bar news now, and the long anticipated closure of FLB Bar has finally come to pass. A sad day for so many whose Pattaya journey began within those very walls. The demise of medically based bars continues with Clinic A Go Go following MASH and Rehab into oblivion, and Moonlight A Go Go has also gone after an indecently short life. Rhino A Go Go closed for a refurb and has alarmingly re-emerged as a coyote bar, though they at least had the courtesy to rename the place Rhino Club, unlike others who try to pass coyote bars off as go go bars. Why do they do that? Why not just open a Go Go bar? An elderly Russian woman suffered a broken leg earlier this week after an Indian dickhead drove a jet ski onto the beach and collided with her. The jet ski operator is now demanding 20,000 baht from the Indian for damaging the craft on the Russian and a further 20,000 baht from the Russian for damaging it with her leg. The Russian is demanding 20,000 baht each from the Indian and the jet ski operator for her injuries. The Indian is demanding 20,000 baht from the jet ski operator for renting him a craft with dodgy steering and 20,000 baht from the Russian woman for crossing a beach without due care and attention. And the police are demanding 20,000 baht from all three of them because they can. The saga continues. A group of 22 students were injured on Highway 36 last Wednesday morning after they were involved in a collision with a container truck. None of the students were seriously hurt but their motorbike was a write off. Gone tomorrow?.. Some newbies to Pattaya have been asking if Beach Road is safe in the early hours of the morning. Yes, Beach Road is perfectly safe – it’s just the people who use it who are in the shit. A group of 50 students held a gathering on Pattaya Beach last Wednesday as a prelude to the General Election. All went well until a woman started hurling abuse, followed by volley of Molotov Cocktails. She was punched in the face, then others came to join in, shots were fired, mass brawling broke out followed by several ear-splitting explosions and the whole thing ended up looking like Dante’s vision of hell. Even a passing Vietnam veteran said “I’ve never seen anything like it”. When asked the purpose of the gathering, a student replied “It was a peace rally”. And finally, a third jet ski story, but one with a difference. A Thai man rented a jet ski and, when accused of damaging it, threatened to have the jet ski operator killed by a gang of Red Shirts. Proof, if proof was needed, that the best form of defence is attack. It did get him arrested though. be seeing you monkeyman

I like Thai Visa. It keeps the PC wankers off boards like this.

It must feel really at home in Pattaya.

A Secrets spinoff maybe?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and welcome to this month’s plunge into the pits of Patts. Chocks away. The debate about how much to give the girls seems to be a popular topic for conversation again. Basically, the uglier you are, the more you have to pay, so if you’re paying upwards of 3000 baht, do us all a favour and wear a bucket over your head. However, if you’re Australian, remember to take it off before you go home or you might be mistaken for Ned Kelly. Wonder how much he used to pay? There’s also been some discussion about what possesses farangs to get up and dance on the poles in Go Go Bars. Well it’s cheaper than buying an “I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER TOSSER” t-shirt and delivers the message just as effectively. A Brit geezer and his Thai wife have come up with a novel way of protecting their East Pattaya home – they’ve employed the services of two geese as watchdogs. Or should that be watchgeese? Whatever, beware of getting too close to their premises or you’re likely to get goosed, though if you’ve ever strolled up Soi 6 you probably know what that feels like already. City Hall has recently received several complaints from tourists about the dangerous screws protruding from the new Beach Road walkway… …so they immediately sent some skilled craftsmen to carry out the necessary remedial work… There have been some hostile comments recently about the increasing numbers of Japanese-only bars operating in Thailand, but it’s gratifying that people with small brains and even smaller dicks can still get something out of life. Like that Japanese bloke who won a smallest dick competition in Bangkok and had a double celebration as he’d won a biggest dick competition in Tokyo only a week earlier. An Israeli quality tourist was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall the other Monday after being caught stealing a woolly hat. At his court appearance he was given a good ticking off by the judge, who concluded, “The prison sentence for this crime is six months – but to you, five and a half”. In the current mood of political unrest in Thailand, it’s been suggested that visitors should refrain from wearing red or yellow shirts as it might get them into trouble. A word of advice though. Don’t wear a pink shirt or you’re likely to get yourself into even more trouble than you bargained for. Two Angelwitch employees were injured last week when their company vehicles crashed during the trip to work… Bar news now, and we begin with Oscars, the latest new Go Go on Soi LK Metro, which opened two weeks last Saturday then promptly closed again the next night. A new record? Well no, it doesn’t beat Movida on Soi 14 that put up the closure notices before it had even opened. Anyway, Oscars reopened the following night so all’s well that ends well. Reopenings seem to be the thing at the moment. Showgirls is back after a much needed refit, as that bizarre layout they had before never really worked. As predicted, the old Baron Club on Soi Diamond has reopened as Cream Club. Well, they say the cream rises to the top. But then so does the scum. And Teazers on Walking Street has reopened as well. Yeah, thought you’d be pleased. Destiny A Go Go, on the other hand, is looking a bit on the dark side for a bar that isn’t on the Darkside, so to speak. Adios. A Swedish tourist had to be rushed to Pattaya Memorial Hospital last week after a bus stop fell on top of him in Jomtien. When questioned about the incident, a City Hall spokesman said “Well, it just wasn’t his day, was it?” It’s still unclear why the man was waiting at the bus stop as the last bus had already left – five years ago. Silly bugger. Pattaya Water Safety Festival week began on Christmas Day. The official who opened the show said 2013 had been a very good year for marine safety in Pattaya as there hadn’t been any accidents or deaths. He then sang three choruses of “Jingle Bells”, dropped his trousers and threw up all over his safety award – a bronze replica of the Koh Larn ferry. A man is being sought by police after complaints from motorists that he had extorted money from them by impersonating a Parking Attendant. Must admit it’s a very convincing impersonation… A beauty parlour in Jomtien was raided by police last week. The raid followed complaints by girls who’d visited the place only to be told by their customers that they should go back and ask for a refund. A man was beaten up with a bank card the other night after swallowing a moto taxi driver’s Maltesers. No, that’s not it. A man was beaten up by Maltese taxi drivers after swallowing his bank card. No, still not right. A Maltese man was beaten up by moto taxi drivers after an ATM swallowed his bank card. Yeah, that’s it. Still doesn’t make any bloody sense though. Finally, a Thai chap had an unfortunate start to the New Year as he went to go home after the night’s celebrations. As he was getting onto his motorbike, the gun he was carrying in his belt accidentally discharged and shot his bollocks off. He was rushed to hospital where a doctor said it was unlikely he’d ever be able to use them again, and police would be investigating further. Perverts. be seeing you monkeyman

The heads were part of teddybear costumes used to promote the opening of Teddy Island in the Markland Village Mall on the corner of Beach Road and Soi 1. Nice place for the kids but a bit on the pricey side.

Great, innit? Even the bloody news is full of repeats now.

I'm still trying to figure out why this story from 2006 has suddenly reappeared on the BBC News website.

It goes on to say "one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears". Perhaps someone should tell them that you're only supposed to use them once.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap and Merry Christmas to you all, and welcome to this month’s Yuletide yobbishness. On with the show. A team of workers from City Hall turned up at the Boutique Hotel in South Pattaya the other week to remove several floors that have been the subject of a demolition order since July. However, they went away scratching their heads after being told by the hotel owner that he wanted them to remove the excess floors from the bottom of the buildings rather than the top. Fortunately, the situation was resolved the next day when the workmen persuaded the owner to agree to a more practical solution to the problem. One of them hit him over the head with a shovel. A drunk monk was questioned by police after he was seen falling about with a bottle of whisky outside a temple in South Pattaya. He told them he’d got pissed after losing 500,000 baht in a lottery, which he suspected to be crooked after discovering that the winning ticket was the only one he hadn’t bought. He was subsequently ordered to disrobe and leave the Monkhood immediately, whereupon he was arrested for indecent exposure. Sometimes it just ain’t your day. Police were called to a Jomtien Restaurant last week after two Indian tourists reported that expensive items had been stolen from their luxury vehicle… A Russian tourism group has threatened to boycott Thailand unless safety is improved for their clients by December. So if Thailand doesn’t put its house in order pretty damn quick, they’ll stop sending planeloads of pissed up scumbags out here to ruin everybody else’s holidays. That’s one hell of a threat. The boycott is from December to March, so get booking now. The 13th Pattaya Traditional Long Boat Tournament took place the weekend before last at Mabprachan Reservoir. Lots of boats took part and none of them sank. Doesn’t sound very traditional at all. A Mr Mohammed Al Mohammed is concerned that his tour group from Pakistan has been collectively described as ‘stinking pigs’, as he understood that this term only applied to Arabs and Indians. The official position seems to be that although the term can theoretically be used to refer to Arabs and anyone from the countries that were formerly part of India, it is usually only applied to residents of modern India and Mr Mohammed and his tour group therefore deserve an apology for any offence that may have been caused. Needless to say, they won’t get one. Stinking pigs. As the Thai bear-hunting season comes to an end, big game hunters show off their trophies on Beach Road… Bar news now, and the “Angelwitch 2” project on Soi LK Metro has finally come to fruition in the shape of Amethyst Club, which opened its doors a couple of weeks ago. Similar concept to Angelwitch, but with the disturbing addition of coyotes. Just across the street, Champagne A Go Go is back in the loop again after its extensive refurb. The former Club Relaxxx on Soi 16 has now reopened as Moonlight A Go Go, and the old Baron A Go Go on Soi Diamond looks set to re-emerge as Cream Club in the near future. Rehab on Soi Buakhao turned out to be terminally ill and finally passed away a couple of weeks ago, as has Tiger Club on Soi Diamond, and Submarine A Go Go looks unlikely to resurface. Saddest news for many old stagers though is the announcement of the final demise of FLB Bar, which is set to close its doors for the last time at the beginning of January. The end of an era and a piece of Pattaya history. Bugger. Two Thai cooks were arrested the other Monday after being caught stealing food from the restaurant where they worked. They claimed that they’d only stolen the food for their own consumption but police refused to believe them after talking to one of their officers who’d eaten in the place. Pattaya’s foremost drug dealer has decided to make his profession more respectable with the opening of his own shops… A couple of tourists have been arrested by police after being caught fighting over a prostitute on Beach Road. Quite understandable. I mean, it’s not easy to find a prostitute in that area of town, is it? The number of Chinese tourists coming to Thailand has dropped dramatically since their government ordered a crackdown on so-called ‘zero dollars tours’. It seems that the term refers to very cheap holidays that have hidden costs and not, as we’d always assumed, to the amount the average Chinese tourist spends in the bars. Finally, it’s been reported that prostitutes have been using a broken transformer box on Beach Road for oral sex. Bet that makes their lips sting a bit. be seeing you monkeyman

Sorry for the delay guys, it's been a bit of a rushed job this month, but it'll be up very shortly. And thanks very much for the kind words. Merry Christmas to you all.

Angelwitch with coyotes. Yeck.

And continental too, as in the loon with the 1000 baht note. Definitely a European, but I couldn't pin down the accent.

I was rather pleased with that one. Glad you all liked it too.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s stories from Soggy City. Well, the weather in Patts has been absolutely spiffing of late, thanks to a tornado, a cyclone, a tropical storm, a plague of frogs and whatever else. If you want to visit the beach now, it’s somewhere out in the Gulf of Thailand. Always wondered where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse went for their holidays. An Indian tourist turned up at the police station the other day to report an incident at a fast food restaurant a few hours earlier. Apparently, he had complained that his food was cold but the staff weren’t interested. He demanded to speak to the manager, who immediately punched him in the face and tasered his testicles, then dragged him out through the door, threw him onto a pile of rubbish sacks and urinated on him. The police advised the man that it was not their policy to get involved in customer service issues and that he should contact the restaurant’s head office if he felt that the manager hadn’t resolved the original complaint to his complete satisfaction. Construction noise in Pattaya is going from bad to worse. Wherever you are, there always seems to be some prat hammering on a steel pipe, giving you an earful of “dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.” It’s like sitting next to a girl in a go go bar. Pattaya United Football Club have announced that they are to disband at the end of the season after a controversial penalty decision against them started a riot which went on for two hours. Jeez, talk about sore losers. Good job their player wasn’t sent off in the incident or there’d probably have been a military coup. Police were forced to apologise for arresting three men for stealing an ATM kiosk after it turned out that the incriminating CCTV footage had been accidentally played backwards and the men were in fact erecting the structure. The mistake came to light when one of the men was clearly seen to be sucking urine from a wall into his penis. Two of the men were released without charge and the third was taken out the back and given a good kicking for pissing up a hotel wall... Baht buses are becoming a real bloody nightmare these days. One harks back to the halcyon days when all you had to do was stick your hand out and you would be spirited to your destination in the wink of an eye. These days, if you aren’t part of some fuckwit tour group you may as well stick your hand up your arse for all the good it’ll do you. You have to wait until some driver comes along tooting his horn like he’s just had it for his birthday before you’re likely to be going anywhere. And even then, the ordeal continues. A trip down Beach Road the other day took the best part of half an hour. First of all the bus pulls up outside Central Festival, at which point a crowd of Indian imbeciles decide to have a five minute chat with the driver and manage to negotiate a 10 baht fare down to 50 baht. When will these fucktards get it through their thick heads that you don’t have to talk to the driver every time you get on a bloody baht bus? They’re the same in fast food joints. It takes them longer to buy a few burgers than it’d take most people to buy a house. But we digress. Next stop is Mike Shopping Mall where some continental cretin tries to pay his fare with a 1000 baht note. Another five minutes to sort that out. Then came the inevitable traffic jams exacerbated by the Beach Road “improvements”, so the driver then stops to try and pick up a group of people, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they’re the same ones who got off his bus a minute earlier but had overtaken it because they were moving faster than the traffic. Finally got to Walking Street, utterly devoid of the will to live. If you’re in a hurry these days, your best bet is to bloody well walk. A 16-year-old Thai lad has died after consuming 18 litres of holy water that was supposed to be endowed with magical powers during some kind of ritual. Not surprising really – that much Guinness is enough to kill anybody. The family of the victim, who were also involved in the ritual, are said to be the owners of a rubber farm. Presumably they use it to make their own wallpaper. The Thai Government are considering levying a 500 baht entry fee on tourists entering the country, allegedly to help pay the costs of scraping them off the streets when they have a little mishap. Well, that should just about wipe out the weekly budget of the average quality tourist. Officials have decided to separate the more affluent West Pattaya from the seedier East Pattaya with the opening of Checkpoint Cheap Charlie… Bar news now, and once again there’s not been a lot happening, apart from the widely reported managerial musical chairs. Not much sign yet of Champagne reopening or of Angelwitch 2 opening at all, though there are some signs of construction activity going on. Peppermint has closed for a refurb – surprising really, because the place seemed to be doing pretty well as it was. There seems to have been an upsurge of interest in bar crawls of late, with several new ones appearing on internet boards. However, they all seem to be aimed at farangs, so Monkeywatch has decided to organise one for the new breed of quality ethnic visitor now gracing Pattaya. The first ever Stinking Pig Bar Crawl will take place next month, starting in Soi LK Metro. First we’ll be visiting all the 7-Elevens in the area, where we’ve negotiated a special two for the price of one deal, so the group will have not one but two bottles of water to share between them. Then it’s off to Beach Road for a tour of the Family Marts and a stop off at a food cart for a kebab. Remember, it’s one bite each then pass it on. As a special treat, we’ve laid on a Coconut Bar girl for everyone in the group. Her name’s Nit and she’ll be joining us about midnight, so don’t forget to put your name in the hat or you won’t get your turn. Next it’s off to Cheap Charlie’s for a massage, where you can leave your clothes on the floor then lie back and relax while a ladyboy hiding under the bed goes through your pockets. Finally, we round off the night with a trip to the police station, where you can report that ladyboys have robbed you of 500,000 baht, a Rolex watch and an iPad. A night not to be missed for sure. For those of you who don’t know already, there’s a new attraction in Pattaya called Art In Paradise, which describes itself as an interactive art gallery. It basically works like this. You pay your money, take off your shoes and step into the first room, at which point you’re swept off your feet then trampled underfoot by stampeding hordes of Oriental cretins armed with phones, cameras and iPads who are intent on photographing anything that moves and anything that doesn’t. Other than that, it’s quite nice if you like that sort of thing. But then anything’s nice if you like that sort of thing. Here’s a bit of it… There are some things in life that you just instinctively know you shouldn’t do. However, the charms of a delectable lady can break the strongest of wills and so it came to pass – the first visit to a Sushi Bar. Hell’s teeth, it was like eating the stuffing from an old sofa marinated in bilge water from the bottom of a tramp steamer. The ice cream is recommended though, and it does help to get the taste of vomit out of your mouth. A return visit is not predicted. A group of Asian gentlemen were spotted outside a Beach Road restaurant the other afternoon. The studied the menu out front for about five minutes then ventured inside and sat round a table, where they were each presented with a further menu for their perusal. After another ten minutes or so, they called the waiter over and ordered a bottle of water. At this point the manager came over and after a heated exchange, he told them to fuck off or he’d call the police. Another example of what TAT calls quality tourists but the rest of us call stinking potless pigs. It was a case of “don’t put that in your pipe and smoke it” as the boys in brown went on a Shisha bar raiding spree the other night. However, the whole thing turned out to be a ghastly mistake when the officer in charge admitted that he thought he’d been told to go to Walking Street and round up all the hookahs. The owners of the Koh Larn Ferry have reacted angrily to suggestions that their new company song should be Otis Redding’s “Sinking On The Rock Of The Bay”. Finally, after years of painstaking research, we’ve managed to work out why eating Thai food is so good for weight watchers. Most of it gets stuck between your feckin’ teeth. be seeing you monkeyman

I was in PBG when the lightning strike happened. Didn't see anything as they had the shutters down. I just thought it was a very loud clap of thunder. The rain returned at about 3am and carried on for several hours. Much of the Walking Street area ended up under a foot or more of water again. It stopped for a while but kicked off again about 30 minutes ago. Bugger.