monkeyman

Alf was in FLB on Tuesday night so I'm surprised we haven't got the full story.

No problem with drinks, you can have as many as you like. I think I had half a dozen or so. They were even giving out a free glass of champagne when you walked in. It's better than the SAS lounge IMO. Better food and much better choice of drinks. You can also have a full meal if you want, though you have to pay extra for this. Unquestionably worth the extra fiver. I'll definitely use it again.

I used the new No 1 Lounge recently and would highly recommend it. It's pretty swish and well worth the extra fiver. First class bar, nice food and several extra facilities including its own small cinema. Very well appointed, spacious and comfortable. The Servisair Lounge is a piece of shit by comparison.

I calculate that I won't have to pay anything at all, as by the time I've worked my way through that lot all the bars will be closed.

I'm supposed to be meeting a lady at PBG tonight for a meal. Never mind. I'll take her a bag of crisps from the 7/11.

Shit, I should've read that yesterday. Never mind, there's always Ryza's birthday. Hope she likes her present.

You could always give Maria a bell Dave.

The band seem to be having a few personnel issues recently. Last Sunday the drummer did a runner halfway through the set and they had to finish without him. Nice band though, and ideal for FLB.

Boiled cabbage probably has the edge.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to our latest fart in the face of the fun police. People are often asking if it's cheaper to buy electronic gear in Thailand than at home. Our advice is to shop in London, where we've heard that discounts of 100 per cent are available to rioters (but don't tell them we sent you). Actually, wasn't it heart warming to see people of all colours and races rioting and looting together – a true triumph for multiculturalism. In another triumphant coup for the forces of law and order, police have smashed an illegal false teeth ring in Pattaya. Yep, no shit, they arrested a woman for making false teeth without a licence. The offence came to light after a dissatisfied customer complained about the quality of his dentures, though the police operation was delayed by several hours as they couldn't make out what he was saying. It looks like anorexia affects Daleks in Pattaya as well… Time for some bar news now, and fans of the old U Too Bar on Second Road will no doubt welcome its reincarnation as Friendship Bar just up the road on Drinking Street. Less welcome news is that the beer bar complex in Soi 2 has been completely demolished to make way for, you guessed it, yet another hotel. Eazy Room A Go Go on Soi 15 has set a new record by closing before it even opened. Interesting business plan, that. Oh, and a little bird tells me that Club Boesche will be reopening before too long. Watch this space – or that one. A century old bridge collapsed in Sattahip the other week after the weight of a large truck loaded with salt proved to be too much for its aging foundations. Still, you have to be impressed with a Thai construction that outlasted its guarantee by 99 years. A Som Tom Contest was held in Pattaya earlier this month in which dishes were judged on cleanliness as well as taste and presentation in order to educate food vendors on the importance of sanitary food preparation techniques. The winner, who received a prize of 3000 baht, said his salads were of exemplary cleanliness as he always washed his hands in the soup before preparing them. These bullshitometers have been installed on Beach Road so you can now plug your Thai GF into one next time you think she's telling you fibs. Just be careful she doesn't do the same to you… An Australian girl reported to Pattaya Police a couple of Fridays ago that a Thai man had attempted to rape her in hotel room. The rapist, who had removed his watch and jewellery and placed them on the bedside table as rapists often do, fled when the girl's boyfriend returned to the room unexpectedly. Yeah, right. People in the Khet Udomsak district have been protesting that their stolen drain covers still haven't been replaced, leaving large holes in the road for the last nine months. City Hall says it sent several inspectors on motorcycles to drive down the roads and report on the problem but none of them ever came back. A Frenchman is reported to have died after choking on a plate of spaghetti in a Pattaya restaurant a couple of weeks back. A witness said that the man met his demise after trying to show off by swallowing the spaghetti sideways, though he may not have been entirely impartial as he was later heard referring to the French as "pikey frog-eating bastards". The "Fast to Fest" Pattaya Motor Show took place this month at Central Festival Hall, where pride of place was taken by a display of locally produced exotic supercars… The police crackdown on gambling continues as police raided a local market the other Thursday and broke up a game of dominoes, arresting four people and seizing the princely sum of 20 baht. Bet the Mafia are shitting themselves. A local publication carried an interview with a ditch digger a couple of weeks ago in which he said that scams and corruption are commonplace in his line of work. Scams and corruption in ditch digging? Christ on a bike, what next? The local pet shop taking bribes? Finally, the boys in brown were taking the piss again the Saturday before last when 150 officers raided South Pattaya bars and conducted the usual piss tests. Only four people failed the tests, so they arrested the remainder for urinating in a public place. American soul singer P.P. Arnold is believed to have fled the country. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another squirt of deodorant into the armpits of the Land Of Smirks. The Thai Navy are using Pattaya to test a new weapons targeting system which will save them money as the spare parts for it can be produced in Thailand. A Navy spokesman said "The public needn't be worried by these tests as all the shells fired will pass harmlessly over Pattaya…well, most of them anyway". Pattaya Police are to increase their efforts to stamp out illegal guns in the wake of the recently held election by setting up more checkpoints around the city. Actually, there's a much easier way to combat illegal firearms – just issue all the criminals with gun permits. Pattaya held its annual Candle Competition on July 15-16, though looking at the usual parade and floats suggested it to have been something of a wasted opportunity. Perhaps the addition of a few showgirls might inject some fresh candle-based ideas into the proceedings. The local police have decided that they will not after all be proceeding with urine testing of farangs in bars after taking just one sample from a particularly drunken tourist… The boys in brown finally seem to have dropped the 3am(ish) curfew they'd been imposing on Walking Street for some time now. Maybe they've found something else to do, though this seems unlikely because, as you know, there's very little crime in Pattaya. The Pattaya Marathon was held on July 17 and as usual was about as interesting as watching dry paint do absolutely nothing. About time they did a real marathon – 25 pints of Guinness and a chicken vindaloo. The erosion of Pattaya Beach is still high on the agenda and the first of three public hearings has already been held. The two imaginative solutions already proposed to solve the problem are "get some more sand" and "build a breakwater". The first option was dismissed as idiotic, so they appear to favour the second. This basically involves building an underwater wall out of sandbags, so the order has gone out to "get some more sand". Pattaya Transport Department has proudly announced the opening of its new Tube System, though it seems to have fallen a little short of expectations… Bar news time, and we begin with the news that Toyz A Go Go, which was previously Catz A Go Go, is now Dream A Go Go, though this latest update heralds a change of management as well as name. The Moon Club and Sugar Sugar both opened as planned, and bets are already being placed as to which will close first. First reports would indicate the former. The Cavern and Silver Star closed for a tart up (isn't that why they opened?), though The Cavern is now back in business. Tiger Lounge has also reopened after extensive alterations that appear to mainly consist of putting up a curtain – obviously another bar that thinks it can solve its problems by throwing money at them. Do you get embarrassed buying your supply of holiday condoms from the pharmacy? Can't look the shop assistant in the eye? Well, a fellow from the UK came up with a simple but cunning plan to save himself from this particular indignity – buy them at the local supermarket and use the self-service checkout. So while doing his regular shop at the local supermarket, he slyly slid the box of rubber johnnies into his basket and pushed it under some other stuff to avoid prying eyes. All went well until he reached the checkout to scan his covert purchase, when he realised that the johnnies were in fact contained in a transparent security box that had to be removed by staff. At this point, a red light on a pole above his checkout started spinning and flashing furiously and a disembodied voice boomed out "APPROVAL NEEDED!!! APPROVAL NEEDED!!!" again and again. A large female assistant jostled her way through the shoppers, grabbed the box, and tried to open it but to no avail, so she frantically waved the condom-filled container in the air and screamed for a supervisor. The supervisor duly arrived and the pair of them rolled around the floor trying to batter the box into submission while the spinning red light flashed and the disembodied voice boomed and the whole thing looked more like Dante's vision of Hell than a suburban supermarket. And there in the middle of the stunned crowd was the customer, who was by this time curled up in a ball on the floor quietly sucking his thumb and weeping into the hood of his anorak. So there you are then. Job done, problem solved, and no more embarrassment at the pharmacy. Speed, like many things, is a relative concept… There were some shenanigans in one of the local banks last week when an Indian chap who was going to visit England complained to the manager that the foreign exchange cashier had given him pounds but he'd been told that the unit of currency in England was the Giro. Finally, Greg's Kitchen on Second Road recently announced that it would in future have 24 hour opening. Trouble is, it seems to be closed every night. Perhaps they meant 24 hours a week? be seeing you monkeyman

Patrick and John, two of the former owners of U Too Bar, left there to open Club Blu. They've both since moved on from Club Blu as well.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more Funtown fantasies and freaky frolics. And a few tales to boot. Here they are. Well, the local press seems to be replete with tales of dozy, gullible Indian, Russian and Iranian pillocks getting drugged and robbed by their pay as you go companions. It's no wonder that blokes with more than two brain cells can't get a decent shag when they have to compete with these witless cretins. Pattaya Tourist Police arrested a dozen or so illegal immigrants last week, along with two other chaps who turned out to be fake government officials with forged ID papers. The immigrants were charged with entering the country illegally and the much more serious offence of counterfeiting government officials. "Counterfeiting watches and handbags is bad enough" said a police spokesman "but government officials is a step too far. I mean, where will it end?" The miscreants were taken to Soi 9 Police Station after it was thoroughly checked and found to be genuine. Action has finally been taken to combat the much-publicised erosion of Pattaya Beach. It will also no doubt defend the city from any unexpected tsunamis… Insurgents in Thailand may find it more difficult to make big bangs following the revelation that British Intelligence have hacked into a major terrorist website and replaced bomb making instructions with a recipe for cup cakes. A spokesman for the organisation said, "We thought it was time that the terrorists got their just desserts", so we can at least be grateful that he went into espionage and not comedy. A Pattaya restaurant was completely destroyed yesterday after a huge explosion reduced it to matchwood. The cause of the blast has not yet been identified, though an eyewitness stated that it occurred shortly after a chef dropped a tray of cup cakes he'd just made using a recipe he found on the Internet. Upcoming visitors to Pattaya should be aware that there has been some light drizzle in the area and a few small puddles still remain… Time for bar news, and we start with the transformation of Lek's Classroom on Soi 2 from a Go Go to a coyote bar as a replacement for neighbour The Honey Pot, which has now closed. The former Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro has been reborn as Sugar Sugar and is expected to open tonight. Another imminent arrival is The Moon Club on Soi Diamond, which should be opening its doors (or curtains) at the end of next week. The Cavern on Walking Street is due to close for a few days in the middle of the month for a refit, though whether this involves a change of image remains to be seen. Hopefully it'll still be a good place to get (flint)stoned on the cheap. Two elephants have been shipped into Nong Nooch to repopulate the forests, though there seems to be some confusion over whether it's the elephants or the forests they want to repopulate. While the former seems more likely, a few tons of elephant shit won't go amiss if they need the odd new forest or two. Tourists who take MP3 players for granted should perhaps spare a thought for their less prosperous brethren from developing countries who can still only afford the previous and slightly bulkier model… An old Irish fellow had a shock when he discovered that the 960,000 baht he'd cunningly concealed in his kitchen drawer had been stolen by a bargirl of his acquaintance. Okay, so that's Indians, Russians, Iranians and Irish. And Swiss (just heard about another one). There must be a collective international term for this. Multicretinism? In case you hadn't heard already, Pattaya Tourist Police carried out a drugs raid last Friday on, of all places, Bamboo Bar. Amazingly, no one failed the obligatory urine tests, despite the fact that it's only drugs that keep most of Bamboo's punters alive. Perhaps the police couldn't tell whose piss was whose. Anyway, they eventually got their pound of flesh by closing the place for having an expired license. Given that the Tourist Police supposedly exist to help people, one can't help but think that forcing patrons to piss in a bucket then booting them out into the street seems to fall a little short of this lofty ideal. Predictably, the place was open for business as usual the following night. Finally, Pattaya is planting 1400 trees to celebrate World Environment day. Good news for conservationists – and 1400 dogs. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our midsummer madness edition full of…well, same as usual. Here it is. A South Pattaya pharmacy has been shut down by police after it was found to be selling unlicensed sex enhancement drugs. The offences came to light after a tourist discovered that the Viagra tablets he had bought from them were in fact laxative pills. "It was terrible" he told police "I didn't know whether I was coming or going". An English fellow was arrested by Pattaya Immigration Officers the other Tuesday after his shop on Third Road was raided and found to contain numerous sex toys illegal in Thailand, including a large quantity of rubber penises. The man claimed that they weren't in fact penises but models of Prince William that he was hoping to sell to cash in on the British Royal Wedding. One should of course only buy officially licensed Royal merchandise such as this bust of Prince Charles… It's been announced that for the duration of the Thai election campaign, nobody will be allowed to even mention the… er, sorry… we're not allowed to mention it. A sign outside a tailor's shop on Walking Street caught fire the other Wednesday night, giving a passing crowd of rubberneckers yet another sight to gawp at. Nobody was injured in the fire, though the shop is now reported to be having a sale of smoking jackets and blazers. Speaking of conflagrations, it's been reported that a two million baht fire has destroyed a shipyard in North Pattaya. Christ, if they spend that much on their fires no wonder they've got no money left to buy bloody ships. The local authorities in Pattaya never miss an opportunity to disseminate useful information to holidaymakers… Bars news now, and we begin with some high profile departures, namely Hooty's on Walking Street, Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro and U Too Bar on Second Road. Fantasy A Go Go has also a gone gone after a very brief life as a "Go Go on demand", though the bar side of the business is still open. Perhaps they should try it as a 7/11 on demand for drinks sales. I think people would flock to something like that. On the plus side, the strangely named Rhino A Go Go is due to open on Walking Street. Something to do with getting the horn I suppose. Or powdered rhino horn. Or who gives a shit. Nine Uzbekistani prostitutes were arrested in Jomtien the other Thursday after being grassed up by one of their own. Unfortunately, none of the attending officers knew how to spell 'Uzbekistani' on the charge sheet, so they got round the problem by letting them go and arresting nine ladyboys instead. It's been reported that police are cracking down on motorbike helmets. Won't that break them? They didn't look too strong to start with. A Vietnamese tour bus was involved in a crash with a car last week while on its way to a Pattaya hotel. Fortunately, only 412 of the passengers were injured. This is the tour bus in question. The business class accommodation is at the back… The weekend before last, police 'inspected' some Go Go Bars on Walking Street and two of them were found to be having sex shows. The reports didn't specify how many bars they visited. Two, presumably. Finally, does anyone remember the 74 touch screen tourist information kiosks that were installed around Pattaya at the beginning of last year at a cost of 37 million baht? No, probably not, because they never actually worked and most of them ended up being dumped on City Hall car park, where they remain to this day. So next time you criticise your local council, just remember, you could do worse. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to a moistened Monkeywatch as we blow-dry another Songkran into the dustbin of history. Video evidence would suggest that it was Bangkok that put the tit into titillating this year, but anyway, on to local matters. Police who carried out a raid on an address in Sukhumvit Road discovered a cache of no less than 212,000 shotgun cartridges hidden on the premises. The owner claimed that the ammunition was fully licensed and the raid was just another case of the police shooting themselves in the foot. So now they can presumably only charge him with possession of 211,999 cartridges. Indian businessman Mr Deep Dudu will not now be naming his new Pattaya hotel the Syphilis Resort after colleagues persuaded him that it wasn't a very good idea. Mr Dudu said he got the idea after seeing Big C and thinking that Thais must like to name their amenities after nasty diseases. "I think I've found Osama bin Laden"… The Thailand Development Research Institute has announced that zoning is to be introduced into the agriculture industry. This is presumably due to concern over farms being situated too close to schools and temples. Must protect the monks and kiddies you know. There will apparently be three zones, which will be designated according to their purpose, though these have yet to be defined. So will any of the zones permit farms to stay open all night? And will there be a crackdown on fields displaying lewd-shaped vegetables? And is anybody getting a strange feeling of déjà vu? It has finally been established that an Australian was kidnapped by police impersonators when he returned to his car after visiting a Pattaya market. This follows earlier incorrect reports that some policemen had been kidnapped by an Australian impersonator, an Australian policeman had been kidnapped by female impersonators, and an Australian police impersonator had kidnapped himself. You just can't trust the press these days. One often spots exotic vehicles parked on the streets of Pattaya, such as this Irish supercar… Bar news this month is a little sparse, as there's no longer a Sakura Club 69 to open or close. Sexy A Go Go on Soi 7 has reopened after a refit, and Beavers on Walking Street has closed due to the expiry of its lease, though it's expected to reopen elsewhere in the near future. In the meantime, the girls and staff have temporarily relocated to Misty's on Soi 15. Police were called to a bungalow last week after a Thai chauffeur was found dead. Though there were no suspicious circumstances, police later arrested the man's employer at the funeral after he insisted that his deceased employee travel in the front of the hearse while he himself rode in the back. Acting on a tip off, police arrested 40 thieves in this Pattaya restaurant… There was a Gastrointestinal and Liver Center Open Day held at the Bangkok Hospital Pattaya last Wednesday. This was no doubt of great interest to those who like open intestines and livers, as they usually have to hang around on street corners and wait for a motorbike accident. Finally, the British Royal Wedding was much viewed in the bars of Pattaya, though it must have seemed a little strange to Thais who are more used to a bloke losing his willy than to a girl gaining one. be seeing you monkeyman

Happy Birthday Pin

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's surf on the tsunami of Sodom (not forgetting Gomorrah) that we know as Fun City. Well, the Pattaya Music Festival came and went with precious few reports of the gang fights, drunkenness, drug taking, vandalism and all the usual stuff we've come to associate with this happy annual gathering. Don't know what's the matter with people these days. No sense of tradition. Never mind, there's always Songkran. One little side story to emerge was that 300 CCTV cameras were repaired in time for the Music Festival. Makes you wonder how many were actually broken – and how many there actually are. Big Pee Chai is watching you. A 24-hour drug suppression operation was carried out by Banglamung Police last week in an effort to root out all those horrible nasty substances that blight the landscape of Pattaya. A police spokesman said that nine people had been arrested and he was very pleased with the haul of drugs that had been confiscated from the hapless miscreants. He then ran off down the street waving his arms and screaming that he was being chased by a giant spider called Colin. Inspired by the kit car market, a Soi 2 hotel is offering rooms at a discount if you don't mind building them yourself... It's been announced that 700 baht buses in Pattaya are to be fitted with "green" brakes in yet another effort to save the planet from doom and destruction. The biggest obstacle to overcome appears to be that the baht bus drivers just don't seem able to grasp the concept. Green they can understand, but brakes? Younger readers might be interested to know that the new Nintendo 3DS hand held game console is now available in Pattaya, though concerns have been expressed in some quarters that it may potentially cause damage to the eyesight. Older readers will no doubt hark back to the days when they were young and there was only one hand held game for them to play - and that wasn't too good for the eyesight either. It looks like the demand for motorised pogo sticks in Pattaya isn't living up to expectations... Chonburi is to step up its battle against human trafficking after news reached the local mandarins about a number of organisations that have been indulging in this vile trade. These organisations, known as "airlines", have apparently been transporting vulnerable men from all over the world to Thailand where they have been coerced into indulging in drunkenness, prostitution and boisterous behaviour. Shame on them. A German bloke died last week after falling from his stool in a Naklua bar after consuming a large amount of rum. A member of the bar's staff was later sacked as a result of this incident, presumably for not watering the rum down enough. One of the many new attractions on Beach Road is this live 'hangman' game... Bar news now, and yes, Sakura Club 69 has disappeared yet again, but this time in order to be reincarnated as Climax A Go Go. Shark Club has reopened after a refit, and Titty Twister now has a sequel in the form of (you guessed it) Titty Twister 2, which has opened on Third Road next to Buffalo Bar. And for anyone that was aware that First A Go Go had opened, it's closed. Speaking of bars, the gaffer of Kiss A Go Go had his collar felt by the boys in brown the other night for working without a permit when he was caught standing outside his bar. Standing outside bars is of course a very popular career choice for ambitious upwardly mobile Thais, and they don't like farangs coming to their country and taking all the prestige jobs. Finally, there's been a fair bit of comment in recent times about how bar girls are developing a more and more shitty attitude towards good old Johnny punter. Some say this is because of the declining standard of customer, and when you look around at some of the mindless sub-human dregs that are scraping their knuckles round the sois of Pattaya these days, you can't help but think that they may have a point. No wonder the Thais consider themselves to be superior - so do the bloody cockroaches. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another plunge into the hot tub of hedonism that goes by the name of Pattaya. Best appendage forward. A tourist from Kuwait had a nasty shock the other Saturday when he returned to his hotel room in South Pattaya to discover that his safe had been stolen. Police investigating the incident believe it may have been the work of thieves. A police spokesman said "Our vast experience in this area of crime has taught us that when items such as this are stolen, it is usually thieves who are responsible". The investigation continues. Police were called to a Soi Buakhao karaoke bar last week after an elderly British tourist collapsed and died during his turn on the karaoke machine. The cause of death has not yet been established, but as the man was reported to have been singing a Bee Gees number at the time of his demise it has been speculated that he may have been asphyxiated by his trousers. Looks like Al Qaeda A Go Go had a good night last night… Bar news now, and what else could we start with than the news that Sakura Club 69 has opened yet again. We'll let you know if it closes down again before we finish the paragraph. Utopia A Go Go on Soho Square has also made a comeback under new management. M*A*S*H A Go Go opened its doors on Soi LK Metro last Saturday, and the Soi also boasts yet another new Go Go in the shape of Sexy Submarine. Boy, these guys sure come up with some erotic names for their bars. And would you believe it, Polo has made a surprise comeback on Walking Street to replace its replacement, the repellent rip-off joint known as Lady's Shadow Club. Hoorah. A bloke was shot twice the other night after trying to leave a karaoke bar without paying his tab for the two rounds of shooters he'd bought for himself and his cronies. The owner explained it was a rule of the house that if you didn't pay up for a couple of rounds of shots then you got shot with a couple of rounds. Nice to see that Thai workmen keep the tools of their trade in really tip top condition… A fruit vendor was killed in Central Pattaya the other week after being involved in a road accident with a car driven by a navy official. Following speculation in the local press, the police released a further statement to make it clear that the description 'fruit vendor' alluded to a seller of foodstuffs and not to a bar owner from Sunee Plaza. The navy lads were also involved in an incident a few days later when a bloke from the local base was killed after he fell asleep while driving home after a night drinking with sailors. A police spokesman said that while accidents of this kind were very regrettable, occurrences involving drink and seamen have always been very common in Pattaya. Don't get too close to these red and white things. The word is that you can be arrested for approaching small buoys… A Thai bloke was arrested last Tuesday after being caught by a restaurant owner behind his premises stealing lengths of electric cable. The man was taken to the police station where he confessed to the crime, adding that he had planned to wear it along with one of his wife's dresses and go to a local fancy dress party as a cable TV. Finally, a warning for anyone walking along Second Road in the region of Soi 2. You should keep an eye out for a large hole in the sidewalk caused by the disappearance of a drain cover. Tourists are advised to take extra care in this area until about 11pm, by which time the hole is normally filled in with drunks who didn't see it and can be crossed without fear of injury. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another look through our bloodshot eyeballs at the latest deeds of darkness in the Devil's dominion. Well, the big shock horror news of the last month must surely be that Pattaya Beach may vanish within five years. Christ on a bike, those bloody Thais will nick anything if it isn't nailed down, and beaches are particularly tricky buggers in that respect. Actually, the biggest surprise is that they haven't blamed it on climate change. They must be saving that one to blame for the increase in beer prices. Still, at least it'll get rid of the jet-ski scammers – or will it? Looking at some of the old wrecks that pass for tourists these days, maybe the day of the mobility scooter scammer is about to dawn. Did you make that damp patch on the seat? That'll cost you 50,000 baht, matey… The 'Zone Wars' talks about the licensing of entertainment venues in Pattaya have resumed at City Hall, with presentations being given by both Mayor Ippititimus and District Chief Mongol Hammerkittykat. The mayor said that there would be no change to bar closing times before 2012, but we were very disappointed to find that this was still the case at 2100, a full 48 minutes later. Meanwhile, the government has begun talks on a "sustainable tourism plan" for Pattaya. This is of course the second such plan, the first of which was to replace affluent Western tourists with smelly, uncouth, cashless dregs from the armpits of Asia and Eastern Bloc countries that most people can't even pronounce. Keep up the good work, boys. Thanks for the information, but just what are we supposed to do with it? … Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting? Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya's image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley. This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned. Acting on a tip off, undercover police recently arrested two Cambodians drug traffickers, each of whom was found to have 250 yabba tablets in his rectum. Best stick with the beer, eh? Not much in the way of bar news this month, though there are one or two new developments in the offing. Gentlemen's Club on Soi Diamond has metamorphosed into Blue Bar and is now a bog standard coyote joint. Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro is also to become a coyote bar in competition with its neighbour Club Blu, and just round the corner opposite Champagne we will shortly have M*A*S*H A Go Go, so keep an eagle eye (or Hawkeye) out for that. Crime on Beach Road continues to be a problem, with another wheelie bin found murdered last Tuesday… Two Russians were given a good kicking by sales staff the other week for taking photos inside a shoe shop - hardly a heinous crime on the face of it. It's not clear whether the staff took exception to the photography or whether they were just demonstrating their extensive range of footwear by using it to boot hapless tourists round the store. Either way, the Russians clearly weren't impressed as both left the premises without making a purchase. Finally, a monk was injured last Wednesday while trying to defuse three ping-pong bombs which he found in the grounds of his temple. The devices are believed to have been stolen from one of the showgirls at the soon to be opening Al Qaeda A Go Go. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to you all, and welcome as we embark on our sixth year of bringing you the month's news stories through a different pair of spectacles. A Thai bloke had a bit of a nasty experience a couple of weeks ago when his wife bit his dick off during a 'domestic dispute'. His luck didn't improve when she then proceeded to stab him to death, though perhaps it was just as well, as being in Pattaya without a dick would have been a bit like being in Afghanistan without a gun. Just to even things out gender-wise, a Thai woman was stabbed to death by her husband last Wednesday after she refused to return home for the dinner he had prepared for them. Police are still hunting for the husband, who now faces a sentence of life imprisonment and remedial cookery classes. And to complete the trilogy of murder and mayhem, a Cambodian fisherman was stabbed to death by four or five blokes outside a convenience store. Wasn't very convenient for him, was it? If any of you know the girl who owns this dildo, we suggest that you don't tell your friends… Five Thai men were detained by police last weekend after attempting to bundle a Norwegian man into their car on Second Road. A police spokesman said that street thefts of this sort were becoming more and more common in Pattaya and advised holidaymakers going out for the evening to leave their expensive jewellery and Norwegians in their hotel rooms. A young local chappie claiming to be a Police Volunteer was arrested the other Monday after approaching a Thai couple on Pattaya Beach. He had demanded that they hand over her bag and his ID card for inspection but instead they phoned the real police and he was apprehended shortly afterwards. The couple said they had become suspicious of the man as he hadn't assaulted them or demanded cash in the traditional time-honoured fashion. Following complaints from Indian tourists about the lack of activities that the whole family can join in, Big C has installed a new table football machine… Bars news now, and the headline of the month was surely the final demise of Club Boesche, a truly apocalyptic hero-to-zero crash of biblical proportions… sorry, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, it's gone. Another recent Monkeywatch prediction came to pass with the closure of Atlantis A Go Go after an indecently brief lifespan. Powers on Walking Street also bit the dust after a relatively short existence. A couple of new places have just opened though, namely Kiss A Go Go on Soi LK Metro and Clinic A Go Go on Soi 7. Let's hope they have a bit more staying power, eh? Police are investigating another outbreak of drain cover thefts after a further incident was reported by a motorcyclist a couple of weeks ago. The man said he first became suspicious while riding his bike home in the early hours of the morning when he suddenly plunged down a 20-foot hole and landed on his face, as he made the journey regularly and this didn't normally happen. In an effort to bolster its green credentials, Pattaya is attempting to stop cycle thefts by employing these new organic 'stingers' on Beach Road… The police mounted a road safety check campaign over the Christmas period in an attempt to keep a few locals and tourists alive into the New Year. The general consensus seems to be that the roads are perfectly safe – it's the drunken lunatics who drive on them that are the problem. Finally, a local school's plan for a ceremony to ordain up to 350 girls as Buddhist nuns didn't quite live up to expectations when no one turned up. Maybe the girls have another career path in mind? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Cool Yule edition where we once again remember the story of the Nativity, which taught us that even wise men don't know shit about buying presents for kids. The big issue of the month has been licensing hours for bars, which now seem to be changing on a daily basis. First news was in a local newspaper that said bar owners are pushing Pattaya to extend closing times. Fair enough, but wouldn't it be more useful to extend opening times? The next story was that some Pattaya bars might be permitted 24 hour opening during the high season. That's not really many hours for a whole season, is it? Following this, the new bar zoning regulations came in permitting 'some bars' to open until 3am. Which bars they were talking about is anybody's guess. Finally, we got the announcement from Mayor Ippititimus that bars will be allowed to stay open until 4.30am inside the zone and 3pm outside it as long as they run their businesses within Thai Law. There may be two small problems here. Firstly, nobody knows where these 'zones' are. Secondly, nobody seem to be too sure whose version of Thai Law they are supposed to be running their businesses within. The show goes on. Last week, Pattaya proudly welcomed yet another celebrity visitor with the arrival of Beaker from The Muppet Show… The boys in brown have been up to their old tricks again with raids on numerous bars including Champagne and Carousel. ID cards were checked and urine tests were carried out on staff. Police in attendance said they were particularly impressed by the co-operative attitude of one bar where the girls were already providing urine samples as officers entered the premises. A five metre long boa constrictor that had been eating livestock at a temple in Sriracha was finally caught last week after monks were alerted by a barking dog. When asked if the capture had been a difficult task, one monk replied "Ever tried to handcuff a snake?" This attempt to sell Pattaya on Ebay was abandoned after two months as no bids were received … Sixteen people were arrested by Banglamung police on suspicion of gambling after an apartment on Naklua Road was raided the other Monday, during which cash and decks of cards were confiscated. The identities of the offenders have been difficult to establish as they were mainly foreign nationals, though police say they found ID cards on the table identifying several of them, two of whom were named as Mr Bun the Baker and Mr Field the Farmer. A Russian gentleman who invited a couple of young ladies back to his room for some overnight tea and crumpets woke up the next morning having gained a huge hangover but having lost the two aforementioned ladies along with about a million baht's worth of possessions, according to the report he gave to the local plod. He reckoned that the girls might have drugged him (no shit, Sherlock). Jesus H Christ, what chance have guys with a bit of savvy got when bargirls have got so many brainless dickheads to go at? Local historians are speculating that Americans may have arrived in Pattaya much earlier than was previously thought following the discovery of these fossilised pretzels on Beach Road… Quite a few open and shut cases to report on a busy bar scene this month. Alcatraz A Go Go has opened its doors (strangely contradictory), as has Fahrenheit A Go Go, and Redlite Club will be opening soon down by Soho Square. On the downside, it looks like Cosy A Go Go may have breathed its last (not much of a downside to be honest). Performance Bar has reopened as an iron club, as opposed to The Iron Club, which isn't an iron club as it's got girls. Geddit? Oh, and Paris A Go Go has changed its name to Atlantis so expect it to sink without trace in the very near future. Most surprising news of the month though is that Sakura Club 69 hasn't opened or closed. Now that's amazing. Finally, Pattaya was privileged to receive a visit by a delegation from the Republic of Tajikistan last week. The purpose of their visit was apparently to learn more about the culture and traditions of Thailand, which would explain why they went home with a lorry load of chrome poles and condoms. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to another trek around the titillations of Thailand's tinsel town. In the recent police mini-crackdown on Beach Road freelancers, it was suggested that targeting the customers was the way to solve the problem. Well, here's a better idea. Do more to encourage the customers, because when every freelancer on Beach Road has a customer, then there aren't any girls on Beach Road. Problem solved, everybody happy, job done. Eleven people were hurt at the Sunbeam Hotel in Central Pattaya last week when their lift threw a wobbler and plummeted down six floors. A spokesman said the incident was regrettable, while pointing out that it was very rare for anyone in Pattaya to plummet down the inside of a hotel as they normally tend to favour the outside. Just to prove the point, a Thai Customs Officer has been found dead after falling 19 floors (down the outside) from a condo in Jomtien. A police spokesman said they were working on the theory that someone may have had a grudge against the officer because of her profession and two million people were helping them with their enquiries. Pattaya Sports Council is proud to announce that the stadium for this year's Flea Olympics has been completed on schedule… Bar news now, and in last month's Monkeywatch we reported that Sakura Club 69 had reopened on October 1 and we'd give you the closure date as soon as it was announced. Well, it closed on October 24. And you thought we were kidding (yeah, okay, so did we). Sin City has resurfaced as Club Relaxxx, Carousel A Go Go has reopened, and there's another new Go Go opening soon on Soi LK Metro on the site of the Blue Moon Bar, though it doesn't appear to have a name yet. The biggest development in the pipeline is that Soho Square is to be turned into a huge venue called White, which will reportedly be the largest disco in South East Asia. Much like The Pleasure Dome was going to be the biggest Go Go in Thailand? A bar girl came running out of the toilet the other week screaming that there was a cockroach in the cubicle. Well I was impressed. In most countries the little buggers just shit anywhere. A Cambodian man was shot and another given a good kicking when they were set upon by a gang of about 20 Thai chaps recently. The police think it may have been a case of mistaken identity as "all Cambodians look the same to us". Construction work on a Pattaya hotel had to be suspended last week after one of the contractor's cranes developed erectile dysfunction… A Pakistani who systematically robbed several bar girls of their money, jewellery and mobile phones at knifepoint was arrested by Pattaya Police last week. This must be one of the 'quality tourists' that Pattaya is always bending over backwards to attract. Makes a change from Iranians I suppose. Well no, actually it doesn't, as two Iranians were arrested last week after being caught stealing goods from Big C. They apparently bought a bag of stuff then went back later with the empty bag and stole items like deodorant and razor blades worth 80,000 baht. Big C obviously isn't the place to go for cheap toiletries then. One of the arrested men was rumoured to be the notorious thief known as 'The Persian Rug' because of his bad toupee. Fruit and vegetable prices in Pattaya have been soaring recently. This is mainly the result of bad weather in the East of Thailand, though it is believed that the price of bananas has been particularly affected due to a shortage caused by increased demand from local Go Go Bars. This could be the ideal venue if you're fed up of enjoying with misery… The Royal Thai Police have been at it in Patts again, this time raiding a beauty salon in Soi Buakhow. The manager was apparently arrested and charged under the Trades Descriptions Act after several staff and customers were found to be ugly. The raid season continued at Tepprasit Road Weekend Market, where officers from The Region 2 Center for Prevention and Suppression of Intellectual Property Violations (catchy little name) seized a large quantity of counterfeit goods such as watches, bags and sunglasses. They later raided Walking Street and seized an equally large quantity of counterfeit women. And remember, a showgirl may cost you that little bit more but at least you won't need to buy a bottle opener. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month's voyage to the bottom of the barrel. Well, TAT are no doubt celebrating their outstanding contribution to Pattaya as they've finally managed to fill the place with the kind of 'quality tourists' they've always fallen over themselves to attract – punters with even less money than the Thais. Everywhere you go now you're surrounded by rouble-less Russians, cheapskate Chinese, impecunious Indians and potless Pakistanis. There's even a rumour going round that they've been given their own website, cheapcuntsrus.com, to help them enjoy their stay. Marvellous. City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it's ruining the image of Pattaya's beaches. That's a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya's street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches. This is the famous Tone Oven on Beach Road. It used to be called the Stone Oven. Looks like it'll soon be the Toe Oven… A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour. Bars news now, and there's been a wee bit of a shake up in the Walking Street area recently. Paris A Go Go on Soi Diamond has reopened under new management, the old boss having migrated to Sakura Club 69 on Soi 15 which reopened yet again on 1 October. We'll give you the closure date as soon as it's announced. Sin City on Soi Covent Garden has breathed its last and is rumoured to be metamorphosing into an Arab disco, so make sure you haven't got a pig about your person if you decide to give it a visit (this is actually good advice in most situations). Oh, and Moulin Rouge has reopened if anybody cares. Nope, nobody does. Delegates from around the world have begun to gather in Pattaya for this year's annual Groucho Marx Convention… There's been a few unflattering comments made recently concerning the less than fragrant odours emanating from some of the Indian visitors currently invading Pattaya. This is of course largely due to them having to walk from their flyblown hotels to the bars, as they can't be expected to squander their whole night's drinking money on a baht bus ride. Going back to their rooms and spending the rest of the night in bed with 11 other blokes and a Beach Road freelancer probably doesn't help much either. Leicester, a British city famous for having a greater percentage of Indian residents than Mumbai, has sent its football team to Pattaya to prepare for a match against a Thai team in Bangkok this Saturday. The exact nature of these preparations has not been divulged, though it's rumoured that they've hired Max Mosley as a trainer. City Hall has decided to take all fun out of crossing the road in Pattaya by installing traffic lights on all the pedestrian crossings on Beach Road and Second Road. Or have they? You've just got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky?.. Why can't you buy a burger in Pattaya without being asked "You want dlink and flies?" If I wanted flies, I'd have gone to a bloody street vendor. People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it's widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here's a little reminder. It's quite simple. You see, it's one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they're pretending that they don't know. So now you know. be seeing you monkeyman

The music and the volume suit the venue perfectly. Keep them as they are.

Hi Dave I agree that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. As already suggested, tribute nights to specific bands might be worth a go. There's a Brit band called The Hamsters who do very popular tribute nights to both Hendrix and ZZ Top.