monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the latest gaggle of gossip and goings on from Fun Central. Here’s the stuff. A Norwegian fellow went to the police after his Thai girlfriend broke into his room safe and helped herself to 25,000 baht, his laptop and his credit cards while he was asleep. The man was said to be shocked at the theft as the couple had been in a committed relationship for nearly two days. It’s been announced that Pattaya is to spend 140 million baht on beautification of its beach, and that the first stage of this wondrous transformation will be to build an extra traffic lane onto Beach Road. The second stage will presumably be to build a sea wall out of dog turds. In an attempt to improve Pattaya’s drainage systems, the council has purchased some new devices to monitor the flow of the city’s effluent. The machine below, for example, incorporates dials that are designed display the flow of urine. The company who supplied them said they’d targeted Pattaya after hearing that it was a very popular place for pee flow dials… An Israeli man who was chased and caught by police after running off with a pair of Nike trainers from Big C is now threatening to sue the store for selling counterfeit goods, as he reckoned that if the shoes had been genuine the police wouldn’t have been able to catch him. A new water treatment plant is to be built which it is claimed will supply Pattaya with enough water for the next 20 years – as longer as people don’t anything wasteful with it like showering or drinking. It has been announced that stricter disciplinary measures are to be introduced for baht bus drivers, though they won’t be implemented for another four or five months, presumably to give the girls at The Castle time to restock with whips and chains. ‘Innovative’ is probably the politest way of describing this masterpiece of Thai plumbing… Time for bar news, and Go Go mania seems to have gripped Soi LK Metro with the imminent arrival of no less than four new Go Go’s. Silver Star on Walking Street has reopened following its ‘renovations’, as has Spanky’s on Soi Diamond. And Coyotee’s A Go Go, which was a Go Go that didn’t have any coyotes, is rumoured to be reopening as a new bar that isn’t a Go Go that will have coyotes, though another rumour says that it will be a Go Go which may or may not have coyotes. Either way, it won’t be called Coyotee’s – or it will. The local constabulary have been keeping a watchful eye on Middle Eastern visitors since that Iranian bloke in Bangkok tried to go out with a bang and ended up legless, as they fear this sort of behaviour may be repeated in Pattaya. Some might say that it already has. New evidence has been uncovered that suggests Thailand may have provided the inspiration for Elmer Fudd… A recent sex education exam in Thailand asked students “What should you do if you have a sexual urge?” The answer to this little teaser was given as “Call friends to go play football”. Well at least it explains why their national team are such a bunch of wankers. Rumours that some Pattaya newspapers will shortly only be available online has enraged the local owner of a British style fish and chip shop who complained “Have you ever tried wrapping fish and chips in a iPad?” be seeing you monkeyman (thanks to short for pic 2)

That's my life fucked then.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s salacious spread of seedy sensationalism. But enough of this tabloid fever, here’s the stuff. Investigations are currently being made into illegal tour companies in Pattaya, with particular emphasis on those run by foreigners, as there is apparently concern that foreign criminal gangs may be involved in these businesses. Criminal gangs? Wonder what they’ve been up to? Sightseeing with menaces? Armed photography? Elephant trekking with intent? The raiding season is in full swing with dozens of bars falling under the scrutiny of the Boys From The Brownstuff. Just the usual shit - underage drinks, drugs without a work permit, unlicensed urine, topless ID cards, you know the sort of thing. Perhaps they should consider burning a few witches for a bit of variety. They shouldn’t have much trouble finding some. A new hotel group is offering Indian tourists luxury air-conditioned rooms at bargain rates… It’s been reported that more than a hundred tourists are trapped in Pattaya following the collapse of a tour company in Russia. Christ, it must have been a bloody tall building to fall that far. A man from Rayong was arrested last week and charged with being a police impersonator and sex abuser, though it is unclear at present whether this is one charge or two. Speaking of abuse, it’s been reported that solvent abuse is on the increase in Thailand. Just be careful you don’t get your dick stuck in the bottle. The discovery of an old urine sample at a Police Station finally proves that Pattaya was once visited by Oliver Reed… Bar news this month begins with the welcome return of U-Too Bar, the new version of which is located on Drinking Street at the top end of Second Road. There’s a new Go Go bar just opened on Walking Street in the shape of Lighthouse A Go Go, and a new coyote bar called Guugle. Might be worth a luuk. And if that wasn’t enough, yet another Go Go is under construction on the site of the ill-fated Pleasure Dome. Not to be outdone, Soi LK Metro also has two new bars in the pipeline, a coyote bar that will be called Destiny and a Go Go bar that won’t. Even Eazy A Go Go on Soi 15 has opened again (though it’ll probably be closed again by the time you read this). The only casualty of the month appears to be Baby Boom A Go Go off Soi Buakhao. It’s still open but not recommended if you don’t want to get more than you bargained for in the downstairs department, so to speak. A German who went to retrieve the boat he had left on Pattaya Beach got a bit of a shock when he returned to the spot and found that his status as a boat owner had been revised to that of a former boat owner. The craft was eventually recovered, but he was advised to find a safer place to leave it in future. He’d left it opposite the Police Station. Some new beer bars are being offered for sale on Beach Road, though they do need one or two finishing touches… Ministry officials have been checking boy bars in South Pattaya for the usual range of offences, though it’s been suggested that one or two officials may have been checking certain boys just that little bit too often. A spokesman for Ripley’s Believe It Or Not has denied rumours that their Pattaya branch was planning to stage an exhibition of Robin Gibb’s surplus intestines. Finally, an illegal Korean call centre has been closed down and 13 arrests made following a police raid in Naklua. So that’ll be another British bank without a help line then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and welcome to another year of life in the Land of Silly Grins. Well, it wasn’t exactly a white Christmas in Patts but, with temperatures plummeting into the low teens early on Christmas Day, it was certainly a great time for shops with stocks of winter apparel. Coats were absolutely flying off the racks and, as the girls were so cold, there were plenty of places to hang them up. In the wee hours of Saturday morning the other week, a gunman fired seven shots at a coach returning to Pattaya from the airport. Or was it only six? You just gotta ask yourself one question… An accident between two motorcycles on Pratamnuk Road early on Thursday morning has been blamed on ‘poor driving skills’. No shit, Sherlock. Actually, I think we’d prefer the taste of food… A fat bloke fell off his stool and died in a Pattaya bar last Tuesday after getting pissed as a rat. The bar was holding its weekly talent contest at the time and he won first prize for his startlingly accurate impression of Oliver Reed. The spate of arrests on Beach Road in the early hours produced an interesting statistic last week when three nightly raids on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday netted 58, 57 and 58 miscreants. Guess one of them must have the day off on Thursdays. Who says Pattaya tourists don’t have a pot to piss in? … Bar news next, and quite a bit has being going on recently. We’ll start with Eazy A Go Go on Soi 15, which has opened and closed so many times in the last week that passers by must have thought they’d installed a neon sign outside. It’s currently closed, as is Baby Boom on Soi Buakhao. Hot and Cold has moved premises, though you probably wouldn’t notice if you were pissed as they’ve only moved a couple of doors up the road. The old TQ2 on Soi BJ has been reborn as Bada Bing A Go Go, and the former Climax A Go Go on Soi 15 has become the new home of Toyz A Go Go. Spanky’s has opened its Pattaya premises on Soi Diamond, and X-Zone once again has some company in the Soi Covent Garden complex with the reopening of Club Relaxxx downstairs. Soi LK Metro also has a new kid on the block with the opening of Paradise A Go Go. Happy days are here again? Be careful what you say in Pattaya. There’s a rumour going round that a bloke shouted “Cheap Charlie!” at one of his mates and got arrested on suspicion of dealing cut-price drugs. To appease non-smokers, some bars are taking steps to improve ventilation… ‘Let there be light’ will soon be the order of the day as Pattaya is currently installing 129 new dolphin-topped light poles, as well as adding dolphin motifs to many of the existing light fitments in the city. The man in charge of these erections, Saucepan Punkawalla (well that’s what it sounded like), said that these new dolphin mascots will improve Pattaya’s image with tourists. This is what’s popularly known as decorating the bedrooms while the downstairs is on fire. The raiding season has begun with Carousel A Go Go being the latest victim. Well, as befits a bar with that name, what goes around comes around. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya is to have public toilets installed along the beachfront. So who tipped them off that George Michael was planning a visit then? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Christmas edition, bringing with it a message of peace on earth and goodwill to all men – except Russians, obviously. Right, off we go. A petrol pump attendant was apprehended by police last Friday night after being caught spying on a woman while she was using the toilet at a petrol station in Jomtien. It’s been pointed out that female cleaners in Thailand do this all the time in men’s toilets, though to be fair they don’t normally climb up the side of the cubicle and look over the top as in this case. There was a bit of an altercation at a Central Pattaya restaurant on Wednesday when three men verbally abused the owner and then assaulted him. The reason for the attack remains unclear, though a witness said that one of the men had visited the restaurant the previous week and complained about his meal, at which point the Customer Services Manager had hit him in the face with a frozen chicken. Chinese tourists are noted for their insatiable curiosity. Here we see a group of them being shown a piece of dog excrement by their tour guide… The increasing numbers of first time visitors to Thailand seem to have spawned a new breed of character, ‘the guru’. This chappie brings a bunch of wide-eyed noobs to Pattaya so he can enlighten them with the all-seeing, all-knowing wisdom he acquired from his one and only visit the previous year. They gather round him and listen with awe and reverence as he regales them with tales of places he discovered called Go Go Bars, where girls have been known to flash a nipple and will accompany you to your room for up to five minutes and only want 10,000 baht for the privilege. He tells them of baht buses that will transport you back to your hotel for only 100 baht, of kindly locals carrying little cards who will escort you to all the best bars in town for a very reasonable fee, and of tall leggy girls with big hands who know their way round a man’s body as if it were their own. And the next year the noobs all end up back in Benidorm. Ever-vigilant narcotics officers arrested a Nigerian national last Sunday for selling class 1 drugs. The man confessed to the crime but said he was offended by the racist description of him on the charge sheet, adding that anyway his name wasn’t Ian. Remember the LCD electronic touch screen tourist information kiosks that made a brief appearance in Pattaya before being scrapped? Well, the upgraded version is finally with us, bearing a remarkable resemblance to a big sheet of paper… Bars news now, and we start with the opening of the new super sized Sapphire Club on Soi 15. It’s all very swish, but first reports indicate that it isn’t only the premises that have been inflated. Club Relaxxx has closed, leaving X-Zone as the only bar still open in the two-storey Covent Garden complex. One of the old names from this complex may be reappearing though, with the rumour that the recently closed Climax A Go Go will reopen shortly bearing the name of Catz. And Silver Star A Go Go on Soi 8 has rejoined its two sequels by opening its doors again. Like films, you can’t beat the original. There was a weird occurrence early on Monday morning when a woman was observed standing on Sukhumvit Road apparently fixated by a street light. She was eventually taken to hospital and examined by doctors who concluded she had been taking narcotics. Crystal moth, presumably. Quality of construction has always been of paramount importance when building hotels in Pattaya… You know, Pattaya just doesn’t seem to have the same number of characters as it did in days gone by. Gone are the times when you could stroll around the bars any night of the week and see the likes of The Syrup, Nerdyboy, Perry Comb-over, Ferret, The Plank – the list goes on and on. Star of the bunch was undoubtedly Crazy Nobby. Must have been 70 years old if he was a day. Several times a week he’d stagger into Catz A Go Go pissed as a fart, throw all his cash into the air until he was buried under a pile of girls, get up for a quick session on the chrome poles then get hurled out into the street to give him time to come back down to Planet Earth so he could do it all again the next night. Some might say he was living the afterlife without being dead. Others might not. A Thai fellow was arrested last week after he snatched a gold necklace from the neck of a Korean chap in a petrol station in South Pattaya. The man confessed to the crime, but claimed that the police gave him the idea the last time he was arrested for a similar offence by suggesting he should consider a new Korea move. And finally, a cross dresser was nabbed by police after stealing a flood donation box from a convenience store a couple of weeks ago. So now he’s a very cross dresser. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another damp edition of life in the Land Of Sponges. Well, floods are once again news in Pattaya, not because there are any, but because of the arrival of stampeding hordes from Bangkok who've fled to Fun City in an attempt to avoid getting their backsides moistened. Several evacuation centres have been set up in the area, though there are reports that many people have been turned away as they were deemed to be "not wet enough". An Englishman was involved in what was described as "a battle with three transsexuals" on Pattaya Beach the Saturday before last. The British Consular Attaché, Drifford Bone, said "We may have to reconsider our position of promoting Pattaya as a family resort". Good advertising is essential if you want your product to sell really well… A Russian couple were robbed by a gun toting Thai chappie on Monday while returning to their hotel near Pratamnuk Road after a Halloween celebration. When asked why he stood by while his wife made a lunge at the attacker's gun, the man replied "It was dark and she thought it was his penis". It seems that bottled water is in short supply in Pattaya at the moment. Still, who cares? Water was always overrated as a drink anyway. There's an appeal going on in Pattaya at the moment where people are being asked to donate rice. Donate rice? In Thailand? Christ, they'll be asking us bring our own girls next. Fun City does of course have its own versions of The Seven Wonders Of The World. Here we see The Hanging Wires Of Pattaya… A few bits of bar news to report this month. Mirage a Go Go came and went with a rapidity that put even Sakura Club 69 to shame, though it's now reopened with the new name of Baron A Go Go and a certain well known mamasan who's had more clubs than Tiger Woods. Dream A Go Go, that was formerly Catz A Go Go and Toyz A Go Go is now Closed A Go Go. X-Zyte has now been completely demolished and the site is rumoured to be earmarked for a new IT complex to rival Tukcom. Bet the boys in brown are planning their first raid already. The late unlamented Goodfellas is to reopen shortly, allegedly as a Go Go, and for those familiar with Spanky's in Nana plaza, Pattaya is to have it's very own establishment of the same name on the site of the old Limmatquai 80 ladyboy poofs club on Soi Diamond. There was a bit of a panic last weekend when it was reported that a tornado had been spotted in Pattaya Bay shooting wind and water 400 metres into the air. Fortunately, it turned out to have been caused by a German tourist who'd gone for a swim after a night on the beer. Well, at least they won't go hungry when they're on duty… A French couple are reported to have had a 100,000 baht fire at their home in East Pattaya. So some people really do have money to burn. Pattaya has donated 50 boats to flood victims in Pathum Thani. Well, if any of them are jet skis they'd better be careful not to scratch them. Finally, we spotted a story on a local website that Pattaya City Council has decided to get rid of all the baht buses because of the number of complaints from tourists. The story was dated 12 August 1993. be seeing you monkeyman

Apparently not.

If you go onto Soi 1 from Sabai Wing using the left gate there's an Indian restaurant right in front of you. The condo block is being built immediately to the left of this and is very close to Sabai Wing. This is a photo of the site taken from Sabai Wing. The roof of the Indian restaurant can been seen in the bottom right of the picture.

There's a big noise problem on Soi 1 at the moment being caused by the construction of a new condo block next to the Indian restaurant. The Soi 1 side of Sabai Wing is best avoided for the duration.

Note the use of the two magic mediaspeak words which confirm that this story is complete and utter bollocks.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's moistened edition of Fun City Tales. Well, Pattaya now has its own reason to remember 9/11, as it was on this very date that the city disappeared under a deluge of biblical proportions following 16 hours of torrential rain. Shops, clubs and cars were flooded out, motorcycles were washed away, and dead dogs were floating by in packs. Indeed, the water was so deep that I got my dong wet - and I'm not talking about Vietnamese currency here. Fortunately, by the following afternoon there were only a few small puddles left… We also saw the introduction of some new baht buses… On the upside, at least the floods washed away the remains of the tsunami of raw sewage that had swept through Walking Street just the previous day following a leak caused by yet another pipework problem. World class tourist resort eh? And if that wasn't enough, the crocodiles at the Million Year Stone Park took advantage of flood damage to their enclosure and staged another mass breakout. Not a comforting thought when you're wading through floodwater up to your waist. The park are offering 5000 baht per crocodile to anyone who can find one, though it remains unclear whether you have to catch it and take it back to the park to claim your reward. The chairman of the park sought to reassure the public by adding that the crocodiles are farmed rather than wild, but this may just mean that they have better table manners when they eat you. Some reports said they were actually alligators, though if one of the buggers is having you for supper, the difference is probably fairly academic. The owner of Pattaya Floating Market has finally found his boat that went missing five years ago. So how do you lose a boat? I guess you're walking along the street, your mind on other things, then suddenly realise your boat's gone. Yeah, that'd be it. This taxi driver has the worst accident record in Pattaya. Can't imagine why… Provincial Police raided Mike Shopping Mall last week and walked off with 100,000 baht's worth of counterfeit goods. You've got to hand it to the boys in brown, they sure know how to negotiate a discount. Members of the public were amazingly uninjured when a car drove straight through the front of a barber's shop, demolishing a mobile noodle shop on its way (it's probably not so mobile now). The driver claimed to have mistaken the premises for a drive-through barber's shop, though it seems more likely to have been a revenge attack for a bad haircut. WTF is going on in Pattaya these days? The last time I went into the Blues Factory they were showing showjumping videos, and when I looked in Alcatraz A Go Go the girls were wearing more than you'd expect to see in the average coyote bar. Actually, I nearly wasn't allowed into Alcatraz as the guy on the door initially got it into his head that I was an Indian. Guess he must have had a cold. Due to traffic congestion on Beach Road, some property owners have put up signs advising tour bus drivers not to allow their passengers to disembark in certain areas… Time for bar news, and the end of an era has arrived with the closure of TQ2, the ancient bar which is reportedly documented in the Old Testament as having being visited by Noah for a quick short time when his Ark was moored in Walking Street following the first recorded floods in Pattaya. Rumour is it's going to reopen as a coyote bar. The demolition of Soi 2 bars continues, with Party Bar added to the list of casualties and Lek's Classroom Bar, Toy Bar, Pacific Bar and Monkey Bar (how dare they) due to be flattened in the next few weeks. Sapphire A Go Go has closed for renovations and should be reopening next month in a somewhat enlarged form, and Club Mirage on Soi Diamond has made a surprise comeback after a lengthy absence. There's also been an unusual development on Walking Street with the opening of City Man Club, which allegedly isn't a gay club as one might have imagined but is in fact a bar for ladies to go and be entertained by Thai..er..gentlemen. Well, if it succeeds in such a high profile location it should at least take some of the wind out of the feminazi's bloomers. What's sauce for the goose eh, slappers? There's a German tramp wandering the streets of Patts at the moment, and the police have apparently decided that they don't want to arrest him because he's too filthy and smelly for either the police station or the monkey house. No doubt there's a few groups wandering around Pattaya at present who'll view this news with more than a little interest. Actually, there's been a lot of comment about the new brand of tourist visiting Pattaya of late, much of it somewhat less than complimentary. There is, however, a positive side to this. Just think how much more desirable your average Joe Monger must now seem to the girls compared to this army of filthy cheap ignorant stinking pigs (no offence intended) that are infesting so many bars these days. It's almost a shame that the way things are going they'll probably all be banned from every Go Go in Pattaya by Christmas. be seeing you monkeyman

Alf was in FLB on Tuesday night so I'm surprised we haven't got the full story.

No problem with drinks, you can have as many as you like. I think I had half a dozen or so. They were even giving out a free glass of champagne when you walked in. It's better than the SAS lounge IMO. Better food and much better choice of drinks. You can also have a full meal if you want, though you have to pay extra for this. Unquestionably worth the extra fiver. I'll definitely use it again.

I used the new No 1 Lounge recently and would highly recommend it. It's pretty swish and well worth the extra fiver. First class bar, nice food and several extra facilities including its own small cinema. Very well appointed, spacious and comfortable. The Servisair Lounge is a piece of shit by comparison.

I calculate that I won't have to pay anything at all, as by the time I've worked my way through that lot all the bars will be closed.

I'm supposed to be meeting a lady at PBG tonight for a meal. Never mind. I'll take her a bag of crisps from the 7/11.

Shit, I should've read that yesterday. Never mind, there's always Ryza's birthday. Hope she likes her present.

You could always give Maria a bell Dave.

The band seem to be having a few personnel issues recently. Last Sunday the drummer did a runner halfway through the set and they had to finish without him. Nice band though, and ideal for FLB.

Boiled cabbage probably has the edge.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to our latest fart in the face of the fun police. People are often asking if it's cheaper to buy electronic gear in Thailand than at home. Our advice is to shop in London, where we've heard that discounts of 100 per cent are available to rioters (but don't tell them we sent you). Actually, wasn't it heart warming to see people of all colours and races rioting and looting together – a true triumph for multiculturalism. In another triumphant coup for the forces of law and order, police have smashed an illegal false teeth ring in Pattaya. Yep, no shit, they arrested a woman for making false teeth without a licence. The offence came to light after a dissatisfied customer complained about the quality of his dentures, though the police operation was delayed by several hours as they couldn't make out what he was saying. It looks like anorexia affects Daleks in Pattaya as well… Time for some bar news now, and fans of the old U Too Bar on Second Road will no doubt welcome its reincarnation as Friendship Bar just up the road on Drinking Street. Less welcome news is that the beer bar complex in Soi 2 has been completely demolished to make way for, you guessed it, yet another hotel. Eazy Room A Go Go on Soi 15 has set a new record by closing before it even opened. Interesting business plan, that. Oh, and a little bird tells me that Club Boesche will be reopening before too long. Watch this space – or that one. A century old bridge collapsed in Sattahip the other week after the weight of a large truck loaded with salt proved to be too much for its aging foundations. Still, you have to be impressed with a Thai construction that outlasted its guarantee by 99 years. A Som Tom Contest was held in Pattaya earlier this month in which dishes were judged on cleanliness as well as taste and presentation in order to educate food vendors on the importance of sanitary food preparation techniques. The winner, who received a prize of 3000 baht, said his salads were of exemplary cleanliness as he always washed his hands in the soup before preparing them. These bullshitometers have been installed on Beach Road so you can now plug your Thai GF into one next time you think she's telling you fibs. Just be careful she doesn't do the same to you… An Australian girl reported to Pattaya Police a couple of Fridays ago that a Thai man had attempted to rape her in hotel room. The rapist, who had removed his watch and jewellery and placed them on the bedside table as rapists often do, fled when the girl's boyfriend returned to the room unexpectedly. Yeah, right. People in the Khet Udomsak district have been protesting that their stolen drain covers still haven't been replaced, leaving large holes in the road for the last nine months. City Hall says it sent several inspectors on motorcycles to drive down the roads and report on the problem but none of them ever came back. A Frenchman is reported to have died after choking on a plate of spaghetti in a Pattaya restaurant a couple of weeks back. A witness said that the man met his demise after trying to show off by swallowing the spaghetti sideways, though he may not have been entirely impartial as he was later heard referring to the French as "pikey frog-eating bastards". The "Fast to Fest" Pattaya Motor Show took place this month at Central Festival Hall, where pride of place was taken by a display of locally produced exotic supercars… The police crackdown on gambling continues as police raided a local market the other Thursday and broke up a game of dominoes, arresting four people and seizing the princely sum of 20 baht. Bet the Mafia are shitting themselves. A local publication carried an interview with a ditch digger a couple of weeks ago in which he said that scams and corruption are commonplace in his line of work. Scams and corruption in ditch digging? Christ on a bike, what next? The local pet shop taking bribes? Finally, the boys in brown were taking the piss again the Saturday before last when 150 officers raided South Pattaya bars and conducted the usual piss tests. Only four people failed the tests, so they arrested the remainder for urinating in a public place. American soul singer P.P. Arnold is believed to have fled the country. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another squirt of deodorant into the armpits of the Land Of Smirks. The Thai Navy are using Pattaya to test a new weapons targeting system which will save them money as the spare parts for it can be produced in Thailand. A Navy spokesman said "The public needn't be worried by these tests as all the shells fired will pass harmlessly over Pattaya…well, most of them anyway". Pattaya Police are to increase their efforts to stamp out illegal guns in the wake of the recently held election by setting up more checkpoints around the city. Actually, there's a much easier way to combat illegal firearms – just issue all the criminals with gun permits. Pattaya held its annual Candle Competition on July 15-16, though looking at the usual parade and floats suggested it to have been something of a wasted opportunity. Perhaps the addition of a few showgirls might inject some fresh candle-based ideas into the proceedings. The local police have decided that they will not after all be proceeding with urine testing of farangs in bars after taking just one sample from a particularly drunken tourist… The boys in brown finally seem to have dropped the 3am(ish) curfew they'd been imposing on Walking Street for some time now. Maybe they've found something else to do, though this seems unlikely because, as you know, there's very little crime in Pattaya. The Pattaya Marathon was held on July 17 and as usual was about as interesting as watching dry paint do absolutely nothing. About time they did a real marathon – 25 pints of Guinness and a chicken vindaloo. The erosion of Pattaya Beach is still high on the agenda and the first of three public hearings has already been held. The two imaginative solutions already proposed to solve the problem are "get some more sand" and "build a breakwater". The first option was dismissed as idiotic, so they appear to favour the second. This basically involves building an underwater wall out of sandbags, so the order has gone out to "get some more sand". Pattaya Transport Department has proudly announced the opening of its new Tube System, though it seems to have fallen a little short of expectations… Bar news time, and we begin with the news that Toyz A Go Go, which was previously Catz A Go Go, is now Dream A Go Go, though this latest update heralds a change of management as well as name. The Moon Club and Sugar Sugar both opened as planned, and bets are already being placed as to which will close first. First reports would indicate the former. The Cavern and Silver Star closed for a tart up (isn't that why they opened?), though The Cavern is now back in business. Tiger Lounge has also reopened after extensive alterations that appear to mainly consist of putting up a curtain – obviously another bar that thinks it can solve its problems by throwing money at them. Do you get embarrassed buying your supply of holiday condoms from the pharmacy? Can't look the shop assistant in the eye? Well, a fellow from the UK came up with a simple but cunning plan to save himself from this particular indignity – buy them at the local supermarket and use the self-service checkout. So while doing his regular shop at the local supermarket, he slyly slid the box of rubber johnnies into his basket and pushed it under some other stuff to avoid prying eyes. All went well until he reached the checkout to scan his covert purchase, when he realised that the johnnies were in fact contained in a transparent security box that had to be removed by staff. At this point, a red light on a pole above his checkout started spinning and flashing furiously and a disembodied voice boomed out "APPROVAL NEEDED!!! APPROVAL NEEDED!!!" again and again. A large female assistant jostled her way through the shoppers, grabbed the box, and tried to open it but to no avail, so she frantically waved the condom-filled container in the air and screamed for a supervisor. The supervisor duly arrived and the pair of them rolled around the floor trying to batter the box into submission while the spinning red light flashed and the disembodied voice boomed and the whole thing looked more like Dante's vision of Hell than a suburban supermarket. And there in the middle of the stunned crowd was the customer, who was by this time curled up in a ball on the floor quietly sucking his thumb and weeping into the hood of his anorak. So there you are then. Job done, problem solved, and no more embarrassment at the pharmacy. Speed, like many things, is a relative concept… There were some shenanigans in one of the local banks last week when an Indian chap who was going to visit England complained to the manager that the foreign exchange cashier had given him pounds but he'd been told that the unit of currency in England was the Giro. Finally, Greg's Kitchen on Second Road recently announced that it would in future have 24 hour opening. Trouble is, it seems to be closed every night. Perhaps they meant 24 hours a week? be seeing you monkeyman

Patrick and John, two of the former owners of U Too Bar, left there to open Club Blu. They've both since moved on from Club Blu as well.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more Funtown fantasies and freaky frolics. And a few tales to boot. Here they are. Well, the local press seems to be replete with tales of dozy, gullible Indian, Russian and Iranian pillocks getting drugged and robbed by their pay as you go companions. It's no wonder that blokes with more than two brain cells can't get a decent shag when they have to compete with these witless cretins. Pattaya Tourist Police arrested a dozen or so illegal immigrants last week, along with two other chaps who turned out to be fake government officials with forged ID papers. The immigrants were charged with entering the country illegally and the much more serious offence of counterfeiting government officials. "Counterfeiting watches and handbags is bad enough" said a police spokesman "but government officials is a step too far. I mean, where will it end?" The miscreants were taken to Soi 9 Police Station after it was thoroughly checked and found to be genuine. Action has finally been taken to combat the much-publicised erosion of Pattaya Beach. It will also no doubt defend the city from any unexpected tsunamis… Insurgents in Thailand may find it more difficult to make big bangs following the revelation that British Intelligence have hacked into a major terrorist website and replaced bomb making instructions with a recipe for cup cakes. A spokesman for the organisation said, "We thought it was time that the terrorists got their just desserts", so we can at least be grateful that he went into espionage and not comedy. A Pattaya restaurant was completely destroyed yesterday after a huge explosion reduced it to matchwood. The cause of the blast has not yet been identified, though an eyewitness stated that it occurred shortly after a chef dropped a tray of cup cakes he'd just made using a recipe he found on the Internet. Upcoming visitors to Pattaya should be aware that there has been some light drizzle in the area and a few small puddles still remain… Time for bar news, and we start with the transformation of Lek's Classroom on Soi 2 from a Go Go to a coyote bar as a replacement for neighbour The Honey Pot, which has now closed. The former Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro has been reborn as Sugar Sugar and is expected to open tonight. Another imminent arrival is The Moon Club on Soi Diamond, which should be opening its doors (or curtains) at the end of next week. The Cavern on Walking Street is due to close for a few days in the middle of the month for a refit, though whether this involves a change of image remains to be seen. Hopefully it'll still be a good place to get (flint)stoned on the cheap. Two elephants have been shipped into Nong Nooch to repopulate the forests, though there seems to be some confusion over whether it's the elephants or the forests they want to repopulate. While the former seems more likely, a few tons of elephant shit won't go amiss if they need the odd new forest or two. Tourists who take MP3 players for granted should perhaps spare a thought for their less prosperous brethren from developing countries who can still only afford the previous and slightly bulkier model… An old Irish fellow had a shock when he discovered that the 960,000 baht he'd cunningly concealed in his kitchen drawer had been stolen by a bargirl of his acquaintance. Okay, so that's Indians, Russians, Iranians and Irish. And Swiss (just heard about another one). There must be a collective international term for this. Multicretinism? In case you hadn't heard already, Pattaya Tourist Police carried out a drugs raid last Friday on, of all places, Bamboo Bar. Amazingly, no one failed the obligatory urine tests, despite the fact that it's only drugs that keep most of Bamboo's punters alive. Perhaps the police couldn't tell whose piss was whose. Anyway, they eventually got their pound of flesh by closing the place for having an expired license. Given that the Tourist Police supposedly exist to help people, one can't help but think that forcing patrons to piss in a bucket then booting them out into the street seems to fall a little short of this lofty ideal. Predictably, the place was open for business as usual the following night. Finally, Pattaya is planting 1400 trees to celebrate World Environment day. Good news for conservationists – and 1400 dogs. be seeing you monkeyman