monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tall tales from Viagra City. On with the show. A street pylon in Central Pattaya suffered a spot of erectile dysfunction the other Monday, causing a spaghetti of cables to collapse in front of a petrol station on Sukhumvit Road. The matter was reported to City Hall who decided on an appropriate course of action, which was to do absolutely bugger all about it, so it’s probably best to avoid that area for the next couple of years. Following alleged complaints from residents and businesses, local police are on the lookout for so-called Boom-Boom Trucks (whatever they are.) Actually, they sound like the ideal vehicles for drive-by snatches (whatever they are.) That old chestnut of the illegal extensions in Walking Street (to buildings, that is) has reared its ugly head yet again, with officials wittering on about them having to be demolished. They admitted that nothing had been done about this situation for the past 15 years, but said that this was how long they normally took to make a decision anyway. See you in 2030 for an update. Rumours abound of an appearance in Pattaya by Simon Cowell as his codpiece is spotted on Beach Road… A press conference was held at a local police station on May 22 to announce the results of a 4 day crime suppression operation undertaken in the area. There were 74 arrests involving drugs, firearms, gambling, theft, a few illegal immigrants - the usual stuff. Well okay, but if they only spend 4 days suppressing crime, what do they do for the other 361 days? Rhetorical question, obviously. The long-awaited installation of new drainage pipes on Beach Road is finally due to begin this month. The pipes will be located near to the entrance of Walking Street, opposite Soi 6/1 and up by the Dusit curve. Contractors carrying out the work have assured City Hall that once the work is completed, tourists on Pattaya’s streets will never again have to wade around up to their waists in water – only up to their knees. It’s not all good news on the renovations front though, as the refilling of Pattaya Beach has been postponed yet again, apparently because they have been unable to find sand that matches the current stuff on the beach. Can’t see what the problem is. All they have to do is get some low grade sand from a building site, mix in liberal quantities of shit, semen, plastic bottles and fast food containers then chuck the whole lot onto the beach. Should be a perfect match. Seems that visiting Pattaya really is a pipe dream… Right, bar news now, what there is of it, and Spicy Girls has fallen by the wayside after a mere 8 months of existence. Oscars didn’t do much better, having closed its doors after only 18 months. Las Vegas II has temporarily closed for renovation and the staff have temporarily relocated to, you guessed it, Las Vegas III. Skyfall has reopened though, after its little big hiccup. A cleaner who works at a Walking Street Go Go Bar was taken to hospital the other Thursday after stabbing herself in the neck with a broken bottle after a row with a neighbour. She was treated at the hospital for her wounds and for mental health issues, where it was suggested to her that should consider asking the Go Go Bar where she works for a new job, as someone who is mentally unstable and prone to carrying out assaults with bottles might be better suited to security work. Seventeen Chinese tourists were injured after their tour bus crashed after skidding in heavy rain while on its way to Pattaya. It is believed that several of the injured parties were crammed in the toilet at the time of the crash, though it has yet to be established whether this was due to the coach being overbooked or whether the Chinese really do like doing everything together. Just for the record, the crash is being referred to as the Pong Bus Accident because of the district in which it took place and has nothing to do with either the surnames of the passengers or the fact that many of them may have shat themselves when the bus skidded off the road. This is India’s answer to the new Lamborghini… In order to help make Pattaya a safer place for tourists, a joint operation took place last Tuesday between the Pattaya Tourist Police and the Chonburi Provincial Police Special Operations Unit (try saying that when you’re pissed) to conduct a raid on two shops on South Pattaya Road selling penis and breast shaped bars of soap. Police are still trying to locate the shop owner, who is to be charged with the heinous crime of selling pornographic soap. Feel safer now? A Thai chappie who reported to police that he’d been attacked and robbed of a gold necklace worth 30,000 baht later confessed that the attack never happened, his injuries were self-inflicted and he’d pawned the necklace to pay off a gambling debt. He was charged with making a false statement to police, who said they had better things to do than waste time on this sort of stuff. Like policing the shape of soap, presumably. Finally, the Prime Minister has requested that the media refrain from publishing stories and articles that portray Thailand in a bad light. So they should presumably avoid mentioning Russians, Chinese, Indians, Arabs, jet ski operators, police, doormen, muggers, druggers, buggers, diddlers, fiddlers, con artists, flashers, pickpockets, gangs, drunk drivers, ladyboys, floods, touts, yabba dealers and so on and so forth. So what does that leave then? Ah yes, cookery. That should do nicely. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s monkey May madness. On with the show. A Chinese couple spent five hours at sea the other weekend after their jet ski broke down shortly after they left Koh Larn. They were eventually spotted by some fishermen and returned to dry land where they were presented with a bill for 30,000 baht for extra rental charges, another 30,000 baht for breaking the jet ski’s engine and a further 30,000 baht for a 2mm scratch on the hull. They’re currently trying to sell their house to pay the bill. Emergency services were called to Walking Street last week after a fire was reported in an Iranian restaurant. The cause of the conflagration has yet to be established, though it is rumoured that a group of local food critics may be responsible. The critics refused to comment except to describe the food in the establishment as “the only thing in the place that smells worse than the chef”. An Iranian and a Thai bird were injured after a fight with another Iranian at the ironically named Friends Bar on Soi Stinking Pig (Soi 16) early the other Monday morning. Police are still investigating the cause of the fight. Wonder if it had anything to do with setting fire to a restaurant? This is a still from the new Pattaya based biker movie ‘Queasy Rider’… A Burmese factory worker met his demise last week after he fell into a meat grinder. Unfortunately, the police misunderstood when they were informed that a man had been killed by a meat grinder and arrested all the girls in Soi 6. When a factory worker explained to the arresting officer that they were actually talking about a mincing machine, police went to Beach Road and arrested all the ladyboys. Navy and Immigration officials boarded a Thai fishing boat last weekend after reports of illegal workers on board the vessel. The boat’s owner, a Mr Sukkona Krabsdik, said the Burmese crew all had work visas but was unable to produce any documentation to support his story. The crew are currently being held in custody and the fish have been deported – well, most of them anyway. The snooker-mad Thais seem to have been less than impressed with the line-up for this year’s Snooker World Championship final. Instead of seeing their superstar idols like ‘Lonnie O’Surrivan’ and ‘Judd Tlump’, they were forced to put up with what they described as ‘a couple of fifth-rate cloth rippers’. Fair point – if that’s what they wanted to watch they could go see their home-grown players. Funny thing is, it wasn’t there after we sobered up… Bar news now, and we start with the closure of both Dream Club and Gentlemen’s Club. Don’t know why we started with that, as nobody actually gives a shit. More importantly, Private Dancer has closed and been replaced by a blast from the past, Club Electric Blue. Seems the opening night didn’t go too well though, as reports appear to indicate the place was full of brown hatters. Eclipse did indeed live up its name and went dark after an indecently short life. And Tiger Club has reopened, but don’t set foot in the place unless your name’s Tom as it’s got more dykes than Holland. A Traffic Police Volunteer was arrested by police in Jomtien in the wee hours of last Monday after he had an altercation with a house owner during a drinking session in the man’s house. The house owner apparently took offence after the Police Volunteer insinuated that he might have something in common with Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile, so to speak. Anyway, a punch-up ensued, police were called, and the uniformed volunteer was carted off to the local nick where he was found to be pissed as a fart. The selection board for these Traffic Police Volunteers must truly be a thing of great wonder. The routes to Pattaya were even more gridlocked than usual last weekend as Thais flocked to the city to celebrate Labor Day. Having observed the proceedings, one can only conclude that in the Thai language ‘labor’ means ‘get pissed as a rat and fall into the road’. We asked “What will this be when it’s finished?” We were told “It is finished”… In a surprising development, police rounded up all the ladyboys on Walking Street a few nights ago. Yes, it is a surprising development. They usually confine their activities to Beach Road. Hmmm. Locals have made a complaint about a misspelt road sign on Pattaya Road which reads “Pattaya Kiang”. A villager remarked “This sort of stupid mistake makes our city iook like a ioad of ciap”. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya police are to be given training in human trafficking. One officer remarked that it looked like a promising career but he could still make more cash from foreigners by staying in the police force. be seeing you monkeyman

Saw Adam Ant play the other night. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME. Here's a bit of it. The track is "Beat My Guest". Enjoy.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, an Easter showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more unlikely happenings from the Land of the Rising Cock. A ladyboy was arrested the other week after he attacked a Polish woman with his shoe in Walking Street. Police initially arrested a shoe shine boy for the assault because they were led to believe that a boy had attacked a lady with his shoe polish. That’s what happens when a Pole tries to report a crime to a Thai in English. A park and helipad on Pratamnak Hill has been forced to close at night following a series of assaults and rapes of Thai and foreign couples who had gone there to enjoy the scenery during the wee hours. Bad news for joggers, doggers and choppers. Police and local officials have been cleaning up Walking Street, though mercifully only with detergent and brooms, in an effort to make the place more presentable for the Colours of the East festival that was held recently to promote tourism in the area. Not sure what colour represents Pattaya. Red or blue perhaps. It ain’t green, that’s for sure. Pattaya is promoting greener forms of transport though… Police are carrying out investigations at a rifle range in Phuket after a British tourist shot himself in the head. Makes a change – if the ‘Bangkok Airport’ TV series is to believed, most Brits end up shooting themselves in the foot. There was a very similar incident in Jomtien about three years ago where police said the bloke offed himself on his third visit to the shooting range. He must have been a seriously lousy shot. Yet another Indian quality tourist has been assaulted on Beach Road and robbed of his cash, in this case 50,000 baht and 2500 dollars. Well that’s what he told the police anyway, at which point they told him he was a stinking pig and slung him out of the station for wasting their time. The insurance companies’ staff must piss themselves laughing when they read some of these reports. The Pattaya Music Festival was something of a break from tradition this year, as nobody seems to have been shot or had their head kicked in during the entire proceedings. In fact, the only musical mayhem reported during the period was on St Patrick’s Day when notorious Irish band Pick A Window were involved in a punch-up at a local bar following a religious difference of opinion between their harpist who was half pissed a monk who was drunk. The monk had apparently caused offence by referring to St Patrick as “an ignorant red-faced mick”. Then the support band Dregs Of Humanity and most of the patrons got involved and all hell broke loose. The police duly arrived and arrested the whole motley crew, who were held in custody until their court appearance on April 1. A likely story. Looks like Batman’s gone for a swim… Time for a bit of bar news, and we start with the loss of another old Pattaya institution, Diamond A Go Go, which has finally closed its doors. Okay, the place may have been a load of old crap in recent years, but who can forget those amazing dance contests they used to hold in better days? We may never see the like again. However, the balance in the area has been restored a bit with the return of Supergirl under new management. Coyote Club on Walking Street is now Eclipse so expect it to live up to its name and go dark in the not too distant future. On the upside, it is a proper Go Go so hopefully it will endure. Skyfall has been temporarily closed for ‘staff retraining’ after a fracas during which one of their doormen assaulted a Pole with a pole. Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada. It was reported last week that a bunch of wild pigs and stray dogs were living together in South Pattaya on a dumping ground for garbage. Must have been talking about Soi 16. Police took a trip down to Pattaya Beach on Monday night last week to search for any people who looked like they might be ‘undesirables’. Quite a challenge. Perhaps on their next trip they could try searching a temple for Buddhists. Three drive-by snatches were reported to police in the space of only two hours early the other Thursday morning. Does anybody know what a drive-by snatch is? Could it be something like this but selling something more interesting than alcohol?... Naval ordinance specialists were summoned to a local construction site last week after an unexploded mortar shell was discovered by building workers. The shell, which was reckoned to be at least ten years old, is being held by police until its owner can be found so he can take it back to the vendor and exchange it for one that works. There was motoring mayhem in Pattaya last Sunday when an American woman went berserk behind the wheel and wrecked 13 vehicles before police shot out her tyres and arrested her. The woman’s claim that she was training to be a baht bus driver was ignored and she was ordered to pay a heavy fine plus full damages and medical expenses to all injured parties. She’ll need an awful lot of fares when she gets her baht bus to pay that load off. Silly cow. It’s army conscript time again and with it comes the annual debacle of sorting out the katoeys who’ve fallen foul of the draft lottery, declaring them to be mentally ill and sending them back home. Don’t know why they can’t join the army. Reckon they’ve got the balls for it. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s strangely penis oriented edition. Well, the BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’ has finally ended, so the whole world can now sleep safe in the knowledge that all the airport staff are shiny, happy people and all the passengers are potless, half-witted dickheads (for those of you not familiar with the BBC, it’s a British state-sponsored paedophile ring.) Police are investigating after a boatman was attacked and stabbed in the neck on Beach Road near to Soi 12. The motive for the attack remains unclear, but the police believe it to be an attempted mugging so are treating it as a case of boatman and robbin’. A small group of 33 Chinese tourists were thrown into a panic the other Friday after being abandoned by their tour guide in the early hours of the morning. The guide was apparently hacked off because some of the tour group refused her demand for an extra payment of 6900 baht each on top of the 12000 baht they’d already paid for their package holidays (real high flyers, this lot). Members of the group could still be seen bouncing off walls several hours after the incident trying to find their way back home. With quality tourists like this and the drive-by shooting the previous day, Pattaya’s tourism problems are all but over. Pattaya Road Safety Society is having its anniversary party next week. Just look out for this sign on the car park… A Cambodian pork ball vendor ended up in hospital a couple of Thursdays ago after an altercation with some Thai workers. The men then made off with his stock, rendering him a gastronomic eunuch, so to speak. Perhaps he should get up to Sunee Plaza and give pork swords a try. The army did a shakedown of beach vendors recently after it was reported that they were overcharging for food. Christ, if the British army did that in London restaurants they’d need more soldiers than the Thais used for the military coup. A Belgian man was interviewed by police after he was found walking around Pattaya naked from the waist down and carrying a bottle of sun tan lotion. When questioned by police officers, the man said he was looking for Dongtan. Police intensify their investigations after another wheelie bin is found murdered on Pattaya Beach … Bar news now, and we start with the closure of Coyote Club on Walking Street. No great surprise there as most nights it had about as many people showing up as the Malaysia Airlines Frequent Flyers Club. Also currently closed in the Walking St area are Tiger A Go Go and Pe Pe Club, and both look to be permanent. Valentine’s Day saw the opening of Lek A Go Go on 2nd Road, presumably at the expense of Lek’s Classroom on Soi 2 which has now gone dark. Club Malibu on LK Metro has departed and is rumoured to become part of Champagne A Go Go next door. Showgirls is up for sale, though the long awaited Kaos A Go Go has finally opened its doors to help restore the numbers. The body of a man was found floating face-down of the shore of Koh Larn late last week. Police said the man’s nationality hadn’t been confirmed, but as his penis was less than an inch long they assumed him to be Japanese. Coincidentally, another bloke was found drowned on the very same day in a lake in East Pattaya. A police spokesman said “The man was carrying ID that confirmed his nationality so we didn’t have to measure his dick.” Pattaya archaeologists have unearthed a fascinating new site which they have christened ‘Robin Gibb’s Teeth’. The Tourist Authority of Thailand is hoping to offset the decline in foreign visitors by offering discounts of 20-50 percent for Thais staying in Pattaya hotels. So next time you have a lady stay in your room overnight, don’t forget to claim your refund from the hotel the next morning. Local officials have strenuously denied claims by police that only one percent of the 1,470 CCTV cameras in Pattaya are actually operational. However, they added that they had a new maintenance strategy in place and hoped to get up to this figure by the end of the year. Finally, they say that when farangs come to Pattaya they have their brains in their dicks. If that’s true, most of them must have seriously small dicks. be seeing you monkeyman

It does if you use the Muslim Prayer Room the right way.

I think we all found that out the first time we gave a 20 baht note to a baht bus driver...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to another month in paradise - and all the other Go Go Bars too. Away. Police were called to a South Pattaya Go Kart track after reports of a punch up between Thai staff and some Kuwaiti nationals following an argument about the quality of the vehicles provided for hire. The Kuwaitis demanded arrests and a full apology, telling police that this was no way to treat distinguished foreign visitors. The police agreed, but added that this was exactly the way to treat ignorant loud mouthed stinking pigs and told them to bugger off. One of the ways the Thai government is exploring to increase tourism is apparently to promote what they call ‘water tourism’. Some bars have already embraced the concept by watering down their beer and putting on more shower shows. Fun City has a new hero – The Pattaya Flasher. The young rascal in question is a Thai lad who stopped his motorbike behind a clinic in Central Pattaya and exposed his dong to bemused staff before pulling off. Then after he’d pulled off, he rode away, leaving the surprised onlookers to do what any right-minded citizen would do - post photos of his genitalia on Facebook. Police suspect he may be the same chap who stole some women’s underwear from a washing line (didn’t Pink Floyd write a song about this in the 60s?) and then went on a flashing spree back in September. The photos of the latest incident were confiscated by police and can now be purchased from any moderately disreputable street vendor. Latest update is that the police have a suspect in custody. The identity parade could prove to be interesting. Beach Road was busy the other week when the local tourist organisation put on a Fancy Dress Party for Chinese tourists… The Tourism Authority of Thailand held a New Year party to thank the media and local businesses for promoting its work and helping it to stay right at the front of the Pattaya social scene. The party took place on January 13. It was Gunfight At The OK Cholchan a couple of weeks back when a punch up between Chinese tour guides in the restaurant next to the hotel spilled out into the street and turned into a full scale shootout in which a Chinese tourist had a gun held to his head. This led to what was described as “more than 20 Chinese tourists” (so it was probably about 100) immediately checking out of the hotel and fleeing for their lives. At this rate we could be rid of the Chinese from Pattaya even more quickly than the Russians. Why are there all those big signs over the roads with Ban Chang on them? If people don’t like the stuff they don’t have to drink it. Pattaya has launched its very own MP3 player though they seem to have some minor miniaturisation issues to iron out… Bar news now, and the long awaited Skyfall has fallen upon us with lots of swish décor but a lamentable lack of naughty bits on show. Hopefully, adjustments will be made at the appropriate juncture. One of the oldest established bars in Pattaya, Supergirl, finally bit the dust and the staff transferred to sister bar Superbaby. However, it’s already been announced that the place it to reopen under new management so it seems that the Yellow Peril can sleep easy in their beds. Some of you will no doubt have got to see the new BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’, which shows the self-proclaimed ‘Airport of Smiles’ to be full of happy, smiley, helpful staff who love their jobs and their passengers. After witnessing the first few episodes of this compelling little series, one has to marvel at how they managed to keep the usual bunch of miserable, surly, po-faced individuals that man the airport out of the way of the cameras for such a long period of time. A meeting was held last week between Pattaya local officials and the Tourism Committee to discuss how to deal with the downturn in tourism. Various options were discussed, after which they decided to ramp up the bar raids and arrest everybody on Beach Road. Job done. The winner of the Pattaya Invention of the Year competition is this handy portable urinal… There have recently been several reports about extensive alcohol abuse in Pattaya but our research shows this to be untrue as people only seem to be using it for the purpose for which it was intended. Authorities are investigating reports that sexual activity has been taking place on a beach in North Pattaya. A spokesman said this was clearly unacceptable and people should confine such behaviour to appropriate locations, like on top of a table in a Go Go Bar. A 52 year old monk has been de-monked and arrested after being accused of having naughties with his 10 year old stepdaughter. In his defence, the man said the whole thing was a mistake that happened after the Chief Abbot told him he had a ‘glittering' career ahead of him. He was told he could expect to spend a long time in Savile Row, but would be making another mistake if he thought it was going to be the one in London. Suit you sir? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for sticking with us for yet another year, and welcome to our latest montage of mayhem in the City of Silly Smirks. Here we go again. The Royal Thai Police have finally ended the passport carrying debate by announcing that anyone asked to produce their passport can do so at a later time, therefore you don’t have to carry either the original or a copy with you. So that’s the end of that then. Well it isn’t actually, because the Legal and Justice Reform Committee have just recommended that the Royal Thai Police should be dissolved. They’ll need one hell of a glass of water to do that. The Immigration Police have also been in the news with their festive mission statement, in which they vowed to protect tourists and suppress crimes, especially those committed by foreign nationals. Guess the Thai criminals must have been complaining about the competition. No less than 16 monks were arrested the other Sunday after police received a tip off that they had been receiving offerings from the public then selling them on to food vendors and pocketing the cash. The Chief Abbot later gave them all a good bollocking, warning them that any repetition of this appalling behaviour would result in them being immediately de-monked. Good job he didn’t find out they spent all the cash in Walking Street Go Go Bars. We’ve finally found a use for those Chinese tour groups. When you’re crossing a busy road, you can use them as a crumple zone… The Pattaya Countdown Festival was its usual fun-filled self, with the attendees being treated to a lively mixture of music, fireworks, guns and grenades. A 17 year old Thai lad, who cannot be named for legal reasons (and because we don’t know his name) was shot while riding his motorbike away from the event, and a couple of motorbike gangs also leaving the festival decided to settle their differences by throwing hand grenades at each other. Wonder what they’ll come up with next year. Air strikes? Another Pattaya doorman got himself into hot water on Christmas Day, this time for hurling abuse at a Royal Thai Police Officer and then assaulting him (they sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t they?) The altercation happened when police attended a disturbance at one of the stinking pig clubs on Soi 16 and the officer attempted to enter the premises to investigate the incident. In his defence, the doorman said he didn’t realise that the man was a police officer as he wasn’t wearing the standard uniform. The police charged him with assault anyway, explaining that the officer was on a plain clothes operation and that was why he was wearing a tutu. In preparation for the New Year festivities, fire inspections were carried out at entertainment venues around Pattaya to make sure that everything was safe for the anticipated stampede of inebriated partygoers. The Chief Fire Officer later said he was satisfied that everything was in order as they hadn’t found a single fire in any of the venues they visited. He added that if the punters were as pissed up as usual they’d probably be suitably equipped to put out any fires on their own. Pattaya’s first moon shot sadly ended in failure… Very little to report in the first bar news of the year. We’re still waiting for the opening of Skyfall on Walking Street. If they don’t get it open soon, they might have to rename it Spectre. Looks like the Dream is over on Soi Diamond as the Go Go answering to that name appears to have closed. Quiet times indeed. Police raided a store in Naklua on December 30 and seized a huge quantity of fireworks after reports that the business was selling them in contravention of the local law forbidding such sales during the New Year period. A local gang leader commented “Looks like it’s back to the grenades then.” A Swiss tourist was given a good kicking by three street vendors last week after he allegedly refused to buy a souvenir from them. Police are trying to trace the men though the only evidence they have uncovered is a large metal Buddha that was retrieved from the victim’s rectum by doctors shortly after the assault took place. So he got his souvenir after all then. Looks like Roy Scheider couldn’t make it again… Pattaya has got enough water to last it for the whole of this year, according to an Irrigation Department official, who added “All we have to do now is figure out how to get it off the roads and into the reservoirs.” More than half of the road accidents in Thailand on New Year’s Day were caused by drunken drivers, according to the Public Health Minister. He then sang three choruses of ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’ and was sick in a bucket. Finally, a Cambodian chap died last week after eating some chicken pieces he’d bought from a street vendor in Jomtien. He’d just finished the last piece when he was run over by a bus. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, Jingle Balls to one and all, and welcome to a selection of festive faux pas from Fun City. Fire Units were summoned to South Pattaya the other Monday after a water purification store caught fire, allegedly causing a million baht’s worth of damage to the premises and stock. This raised a number of questions, like the stock is water, so how could it be damaged? And why didn’t the water put out the fire? Anyway, the owner put on a brave face, saying that at least the remaining water was now pure as it had been boiled by the fire. Typical Thai. When all seems lost, play the mindless optimism card. Following the recent flood pump fiasco, Pattaya officials consulted an expert who told them that the only effective solution to the city’s perennial flooding problem is to install bigger drainage pipes. However, they were concerned that this could be prohibitively expensive, so they’ve decided to implement a variation on the plan. They’re going to replace the baht buses with jet skis. An Australian teacher was taught a lesson after he invited a couple of pay as you go girlfriends for pizza and beer prior to a session of horizontal bonding. It seems that when the hapless digger went out the back to splash his boots, his beer was spiked with alcohol and he was dragged back to his room and robbed. Strangely, although his money was stolen, a single 20 baht note was left next to his bed. Suppose it must have been a tip. Bet he gets more than 50 lines from the Headmaster when he goes back to school. Silly bugger. This is Pattaya’s signature dish. You can get it just about anywhere… And now, a multicultural tale. A Chinese TV presenter holidaying in Pattaya made a report to the police after her Korean made smartphone was allegedly stolen by a Burmese pancake vendor. The vendor initially denied the charge but decided to reconsider his plea when the phone was found concealed on a shelf in his cart. Checks revealed him to be an illegal immigrant and he is expected to be deported to Guantanamo Bay shortly, along with the TV presenter and the food cart. And the phone? It’s probably already on ebay. Ten Russians and two Thais were injured in a road crash in Jomtien early last week. When questioned by police, they all agreed that, with the benefit of hindsight, they should have hired a baht bus instead of a motorbike taxi. An elderly fellow didn’t get his happy ending when he died from natural causes while having a massage at a place on Soi Buakhao. Still, he’s one bloke who could truly be described as a die hard. People who turned up on Beach Road for a concert by The Police were somewhat surprised when they were confronted by this. Not quite what they expected and definitely a sting – or not, depending on how you look at it… Time for bar news, and music lovers will be no doubt be revelling in the reopening of The Blues Factory, complete with Lam Morrison. Rhino Club has reverted to being a Go Go and has also reverted to being closed, presumably as a result of the little ‘visit’ they had the other evening. Tiger A Go Go has reopened but work on Skyfall seems to have stalled. The Cave has opened on LK Metro, continuing the trend started by Spicy Girls of reviving old bar names then reviving old bar girls to work in them. Officials visited a funfair on Naklua Road the other Wednesday after reports that gambling was taking place on the site. No gambling games were found, but a stall at which customers were throwing darts at balloons was closed down as it was deemed to be a form of gambling. The stall owner, a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, said he didn’t realise this was illegal and he felt a bit of a prick, which was later confirmed when a stray dart was found to be lodged in his left buttock. With all the hullabaloo about drugs being imported into Thailand, you might be surprised to hear that someone’s just been busted for sending drugs OUT of the country. A Russian bloke was arrested in Pattaya last Tuesday for buying steroids from a Thai dealer and exporting them to Russia. Bet they wouldn’t have been so keen to catch him if he’d been exporting yabba. Still, the Russian’s going to be deported, so some good’s come out of it. A major excavating operation swung into action on Beach Road last week after a Scotsman lost 10 baht down a drain… An Indian quality tourist was arrested by police after his hired jet-ski hit a swimmer then left the water and hit a holidaymaker sitting in a deckchair on the beach. A police spokesman said they appreciated that the episode was just an unfortunate accident and the man didn’t mean to do any harm, so the best course of action would be to “string the stinking pig up from the nearest lamp post.” Damage to the jet-ski was estimated by the owner to be around six million baht. A female student called the police last Monday to report that she’d been sexually assaulted by a man in the Plu Ta Luang area the previous Friday night. When asked why it took her so long to report the crime, she told police she didn’t realise she’d been sexually assaulted until she discovered the man had given her forged banknotes. Pattaya, along with four other cities, has been earmarked by the Tourism Ministry to be rebranded and developed as a quality destination that will be attractive to high spending tourists and families – as long as they don’t mind the shootings, muggings, drugs and prostitution, presumably. Those of us with even not so long memories will no doubt recall that this was tried a few years back and resulted in the city being swamped by hordes of ignorant, penniless, foul smelling dregs from the cesspits of Asia. Einstein reportedly once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I doubt if the Tourism Ministry would be interested in his deliberations though – they probably think he was The Beatles’ manager. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to the month when everybody celebrates Roy Clattong, whoever he is. New Martial Law tourism directives have been issued to maintain peace and order in the Land of Smirks. To ensure good behaviour, all tourists visiting Go Go Bars must now be accompanied by a monk. Initial reaction to the ruling has been somewhat negative from bar owners and tourists, but rather more positive from monks. The new regime has also come up with another idea to protect tourists - making them wear identity tags. What with that and armed troops swarming all over the tourist beaches, you may as well save yourself some money and go to Auschwitz instead. Only 159 GBP for three days and no Indian tailors. You know it makes sense. The Thai PM has declared that visitors to Thailand should be screened to ensure that only quality tourists should be allowed to enter the country. There is apparently concern that a lot of penniless foul-smelling dregs from the cesspits of the world have been allowed into the country just because they’ve managed to get hold of a European, American or Australian passport. It is hoped that the installation of a new device known as a stinkingpigometer at the major airports will detect those of dubious ethnicity. Pattaya has taken another step down the route of being family friendly with the imminent opening of Disney A Go Go. Here’s a sneak preview of part of the girls’ outfits… An army officer from Kuwait claimed he was seriously assaulted at a Go Go Bar after he complained about the lack of nudity and sex shows. He and his companions had allegedly paid 500 baht each to a Thai man in Walking Street who promised they could see sexy shows in the bar. When he entered the bar and saw neither naked girls nor lewd shows, he complained to one of the bar’s ‘customer relations representatives’ who dealt with the matter in the time honoured fashion by punching him in the face, stabbing him in the arm and then putting the boot in with the help of a few of his colleagues. Police were then called, following which a staff member was arrested, the punter was taken to hospital and the bar was closed. So the bar was effectively closed for having no nudity or lewd shows. We may be breaking new ground here. The incident is said to have tarnished the image of Thailand, though it probably hasn’t done the image of Kuwait much good either. Wonder how chummie will explain this little episode to his CO and his Imam? Following a tip off, an apartment in Central Pattaya was raided the other Thursday and a number of people were arrested for playing the illegal gambling game Hi-Low. Given the current shortage of police officers, some have questioned whether they should be bothering with stuff like this when they could be investigating more important crimes. Like 40 year old sex abuse allegations against dead celebrities. Suspicions that gambling dens have been operating under the noses of the boys in brown were confirmed last week when a poker school was discovered in a police officer’s moustache. These new pumps were installed a few weeks ago to stop the flooding on Beach Road. They were last seen floating down Walking Street after the Halloween rainstorm. Bar news time, and the recently opened Spicy Girls has been closed for 60 days following a nasty outbreak of stinking pig. Sister bar Champion has also closed. On Soi 16, Pe Pe has reopened but Moonlight hasn’t. Amethyst on LK Metro was closed for a few days but has reopened now. And we have yet another chrome pole palace preparing to emerge on Walking Street in the shape of Skyfall A Go Go. If size really is important, this one should be a winner. A new four-lane traffic tunnel is to be constructed in Central Pattaya to help relieve traffic congestion. The project is expected to take 2-3 years to complete and will cost over 837,000,000 million baht. When asked about the effects of the rainy season on this exciting new project, a representative said it wasn’t their problem and tunnel users would have to provide their own scuba gear. It’s been reported that some Go Go’s have been trialling a new idea to attract certain ethnic groups into their bars. Apparently, the punter pays 500 baht to a man in the street who then takes him into the bar and punches him in the face. Doesn’t sound like a winner to be honest. Can’t imagine where they got the idea from. Presumably they dig a hole for the low voltage ones… The police have been instructed by the new regime to take a tougher line on drink-driving, so visitors would be well advised to keep their imbibing in check if they’re planning to take to the local highways. They also took the opportunity to remind drivers that the drink-drive limit was recently reduced to 30 bottles of beer, two bottles of whisky and a gallon of paint stripper. Bloody nanny state. In an effort to combat crime in Pattaya, yet more CCTV cameras are to be installed in places around the city deemed to be crime hotspots. Big Buddha is watching you. Despite the rainy season being officially over, it continues to piss down, so make sure you’re armed with an umbrella before going out into the great wide open. These are readily available from street vendors or from your local Nohab Convenience Store. They’re usually to be found between the Thaksin Shinawatra dartboards and the Tom Jones comedy testicles. be seeing you monkeyman

There's a brand new Walking Street Go Go opening tonight on the site of a former retail business and two more currently under construction. Nuff said?

Too right. Anybody who says schooldays are the best days of your life obviously never had to use that stuff.

You got it. They used to impregnate those horrible old shiny toilet rolls with the stuff for some reason.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap from the bra tit of Thailand, and welcome to this month’s montage of military mayhem. New figures just released by City Hall show the number of tourists visiting Pattaya this year is projected to be 1.5 million down on the 2013 total. Sounds like a couple of Chinese tour parties must have cancelled. Pattaya’s deckchairs are the latest target for the boys in green, with strict rules being laid down for the numbers and formations permissible. All they need to do now is rename the beach ‘Titanic’. Police visited Pattaya Remand Prison the other Thursday morning to search for contraband items in the cell blocks. The items they found were later put on display, including a miscellaneous selection of porn, a bow tie that lights up, a plastic dog turd, a signed photograph of Sherpa Tensing and a homemade bingo set, apparently made with ping pong balls from a local Go Go Bar. Police are now searching for the girl who smuggled them in. They must be short of a cabaret act for their Christmas party. This swarthy looking tourist approached several jet ski operators to enquire about hiring a small paddle boat before he was arrested by police on suspicion of being a pedalophile… Last month we reported that a new complaints centre had opened in Pattaya where people could go to report things such as lewd shows. Well, a group of Chinese tourists obviously didn’t fully grasp the concept because they put in a complaint that they didn’t get the lewd show they’d paid for. Apparently, they gave a Thai bloke 2000 baht to take them to a sex show but when they got there the place was closed and he refused to give back the money. When police apprehended the man, he admitted taking the money but said that as the police had closed the bar earlier in the evening, they should be responsible for refunding the 2000 baht to the group of disgruntled Yellow Peril. He later decided to reconsider his position after having an in-depth discussion behind the police station with a couple of truncheons and several size 14 boots. The Chinese tourists were sent on their way after being told by police that they were “cretinous slant-eyed lemmings”. We also carried a story last month about an Algerian who was thrown off a plane for being a stinking pig. However, it seems that the man, although of Algerian ethnicity, was actually born in Paris and is therefore a Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey. Apologies for the error and for any offence that may have been caused to Algerians and stinking pigs everywhere. A prominent local business figure was lucky to escape injury when his expensive executive limousine was written off after he drove it into the back of a parked coach in South Pattaya. The man refused to explain the events leading up to the crash, though it does prove that even white double decker coaches are difficult to see at night – especially when you’re pissed as a fart. You can always spot a Muslim bar. The toilet rolls are stamped “medicated with ISIL.”… (anybody get that?) Time for bar news now, and not too much to report this month. Hot & Cold on Soi Post Office is now cold – as in closed. Walking Street has two new Go Go’s as Infinity and Spicy Girls both open their doors to Joe Public for the first time. The latter does apparently have a tenuous link to the old Spicy Girls on Pattayaland 2 – probably still got the same girls as well. And it looks like there’s another two new Go Go Bars shaping to open up in Walking Street - watch this space. Or better still, watch the two spaces on Walking Street vacated by beer bars. A British National was arrested by police the other Thursday after falsely claiming to have been mugged outside a karaoke bar North Pattaya and robbed of 20,000 baht, a mobile phone and a camera. The man, a Mr Getupan Singh, aroused the suspicions of officers when he kept changing his story while making his statement at the police station. His room was then searched and the allegedly stolen items found, at which point Mr Singh admitted he’d made the whole thing up to make a fraudulent claim on his travel insurance. Police also refused to believe he was a British National, saying he was clearly an ignorant, stinking Indian pig and did not in any way fit the criteria laid down in the Official Pattaya Police Guide to Foreign Tourists, which describes British tourists as “mindless, shaven-headed, tattooed, knuckle-scraping, drunken, sub-human scum”. Christ, that makes the description of the Chinese tourists seem almost complimentary. It’s being said by some that 2000 baht ST is the going rate in Go Go bars these days. As soon as they ask a punter for 2000 baht, he goes. There are some nice girls on Beach Road, but be careful that you don’t end up with a starfish… A fruit vendor was arrested in South Pattaya the other Friday after it emerged that he had three outstanding arrest warrants against him. Against a fruit vendor? For what? Carrying a loaded mango? Brandishing a banana with intent to cause a breach of the peace? Using a pineapple in a built-up area? First hate crime, now fruit crime. Be afraid – be very afraid. The Oscar Pestorius trial verdict seems to have created a stir, even in Thailand. Someone in the courtroom was allegedly arrested for shouting “kaffir” at the judge but was released after convincing the police that he’d just sneezed. Reckon if Charles Manson had been tried in that court he'd have probably got off with a fine. And finally, you can forget Pattaya bar girls, everybody’s saying Koh Tao is the best place to go if you’re looking for a real killer hoe. be seeing you monkeyman

Now that's what I call a happy hour. :gulp :gulp :gulp :gulp :gulp

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming along for the ride, and off we go once again. Police and bomb disposal experts were called to a local hospital after what was thought to be an explosive device was found outside the premises by a nurse arriving for work. The device proved to be an imitation when it pretended to explode and feigned injury to several people. Some representatives from the Ministry of Defence visited Pattaya the other Thursday for what was described as an educational visit to observe how the local police and City Hall went about their business. When asked if the visit had been educational, one of the representatives replied “Well it certainly taught us a lesson”. Police and medics were called to a local park a couple of Tuesdays ago after a Russian was injured by a suction pipe. No information was released about the Russian or the suction pipe, though the latter is believed to work in a Soi 6 bar. Pattaya Sanitation Department has bought a load of spiffy new drainage pipes in an effort to avoid a repetition of the chaos caused by floods during recent rainy seasons. Unfortunately, they blew their whole budget on the pipes so they can’t afford to install them until next year. In the meantime, they’ve stacked the pipes up and are advertising them as luxury accommodation for Indian tourists… A Thai-German boy was taken to hospital after being bitten by a pack of stray dogs on Pattaya Beach. An observer reckoned the boy had a lucky escape as the dogs looked like they were about to eat him. It seems they spat him out when they realised he wasn’t pure Thai, as they are known to have a distaste for foreign food. Pity the bloody mosquitoes don’t have a similar palate. One of Thailand’s Olympic sailors was involved in a bit of an accident three weeks back when he crashed into the front of a roadside restaurant on the Sukhumvit Road, destroying five parked motorbikes in the process. The chappie concerned is apparently training hard for the Asean Games in South Korea this month. Perhaps someone should tell him his training would probably go better if he tried doing it on the water. Pattaya’s very own complaint centre has opened following a decree from the boys in power that such centres should be set up throughout the country. The centres will focus on various issues, though we are promised that entertainment venues will come under particular scrutiny and anyone who witnesses drug usage, underage staff and patrons or lewd shows should contact them immediately. They surely won’t have anything to do then, given the huge influx of quality tourists into Pattaya in recent years. There’s a rumour going round that the very first complainant went in to complain about the complaints centre and was taken out the back and shot. There’s been a lot of talk recently about the Pattaya Underground Lottery but we weren’t able to get any more information as their Head Office refused to comment… Bars news now, and things have been a little quieter this month. Walking Street will shortly be adding Infinity A Go Go to its list, which will be a new bar rather than an old one rebranded. Ginza I has reopened despite rumours to the contrary and Ginza II has resurfaced under new management and gone back to its old moniker of Glasshouse. Moonlight A Go Go has also unexpectedly reopened after a seven month absence and is still open several days later, which is unusual for a bar on that site. LK Metro has yet another new Go Go in the shape of Malibu Club, which has opened next door to its sister bar Champagne. And Lighthouse briefly became Alighthouse when it caught fire a couple of weeks ago but it’s all better now. Spiffing. For food fans, the front of Royal Garden Plaza is the home of a new KFC (that’s Korean Fried Canine), so if you’re feeling a little husky you can now go and eat one. There’s also a new restaurant on Soi Buakhao called Woks and Knickers, which sounds interesting if you’re a monger but a tad racist if you’re a bit hard of hearing. Arson is suspected after a noisy Karaoke Bar in Jomtien burned to the ground in the early hours of the morning a couple of Mondays ago. Five thousand local residents and holidaymakers are helping the police with their enquiries. Ever had that feeling you’re being watched?... As part of a new police training initiative, officers took part in a simulated bank robbery in Jomtien last week. Two armed men made off with 2,000,000 baht but only made it as far as Jomtien Second Road before they were arrested and the money was returned – well, most of it anyway. An Algerian has filed a discrimination claim against an airline after he was ejected from the flight because he ‘smelled like a pair of zookeeper’s boots’. However, it’s still unclear whether the man is claiming he was discriminated against because he’s an Algerian or because he’s a stinking pig. And finally, where have all the Russians gone? Several theories have been expounded about their dwindling numbers, but the definitive answer still seems to elude us. Perhaps it’s best to just keep quiet and try to contain our grief. be seeing you monkeyman

Looks like it's been shut down.

Sunee Plaza might be a good starting point.

Many thanks Martin. Hope to catch up with you and Pin soon.

Apologies for the error Dave. All the best for the future and I hope the BF will live on under new ownership.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to this, our bumper 100th edition of Monkeywatch. May we take this opportunity to thank both of our readers for their years of unstinting support. Right, stand by for blast-off. Passports have been in the news again with the statement by a senior Thai immigration official that tourists and expats will in future have to carry their passports on their person at all times or face possible fines and even imprisonment. This created a predictable furore until an even more senior immigration official declared that statement to be complete and utter bollocks. Wonder if the next bloke up the line will have anything to say? We couldn’t wait to hear from him so we’ve all been to Helena Handcart, a Thai immigration expert, who told us to “Just carry a fucking forgery you twats” before collapsing on the floor in an alcoholic stupor. As you probably know, new security measures have been put in place to by those friendly airline people keep you safer when you fly to Fun City. From now on, if customs officials find an electronic device in someone’s luggage that might be a bomb, the owner will be asked to turn it on. There you are. Feel safer now? A minivan carrying Indian tourists crashed on its way from Suvarnabhumi Airport after the driver fell asleep at the wheel. Reports say that 27 of the tourists were injured in the crash, but the majority escaped unscathed. Police, Navy and Government personnel took part in a raid on Pattaya Remand Prison the other Friday after reports of illegal activities taking place on the premises. Police were acting on a tip-off that large numbers of criminals were believed to have gathered there and that weapons and drugs may be present. Nothing was found, but the officer in charge of the raid warned them that if anything was found in future raids, the prison would be subject to a 60-day closure order and those found to be breaking the law would be arrested and may face a jail sentence. Pattaya officials have finally found a way of solving the illegal parking problem on Beach Road – they’re going to make it legal… Following the recommendation that people should be eating 7-10 portions of fruit and vegetables per day, a group of scientists have warned of the potentially catastrophic increase in global warming that may be caused by the ensuing flatulence. Pattaya hotel owners, however, are more worried about how this fartfest might affect marquees erected for big functions. One of them remarked “If someone lights a cigarette in there the whole thing could go up like the bloody Hindenberg”. Pawnbrokers and antique dealers in Pattaya have been issued with instructions on how to avoid selling stolen government property - stop buying it. Easier said than done according to the shops in question, though one would think it unlikely that someone trying to flog a load of drain covers and bridge rails had obtained them from a legitimate source. A judge in Sweden has upheld the right of a bar owner to ban all Thai women from his bar on the grounds that they are “probably prostitutes”. Perhaps Thai bar owners should consider banning all Swedish judges and bar owners from their premises on the grounds that they are “probably ignorant racist bigots”. Police were called to an apartment in Soi Buakhao after a report that a German tourist had been drugged and robbed by two women who offered him a free massage in his room (massage for nothing and the chicks for free?) Anyway, the German fellow, a Mr Schicklgruber (pictured below), woke up to find that he had been relieved of 10,000baht and a mobile phone. He thanked the police for their efforts, but said his next trip abroad would probably be to Poland… A busy Bar News this month, beginning with the demise of two much loved and revered Pattaya institutions. That old favourite Xzone has shut its doors, apparently for good, and The Blues Factory is due to close later this month. Has the whole world gone mad? And if that wasn’t enough, things are starting to get a bit lively elsewhere as the new regime makes its presence felt. V20 Ice Bar had a 60-day closure order slapped on it for opening too early (though someone must have had a calendar malfunction as it’s already reopened), with Go Gos on LK Metro having their knuckles rapped about the same thing. Hot Tuna was also closed, in their case for playing music too late. On the disco front, Flexx Club was shut twice in the space of a week, the first time for drugs and the second because the police had shut it but it was still open. Well they didn’t shut it then, did they? And Pulse Disco was shut down after security guards beat up an Indian when he tried to get in after being refused entry. Well he won’t be going in for a while now. Silly bugger. Both Ginza I and II are now up for sale and it looks like they won’t be reopening following the 30 and 60 day closure orders. On the upside, Living Dolls Showcase has now reopened and things seem to have quietened down a bit. Or is it the calm before the storm? Or has the storm passed already? Or is this turning into a weather forecast? Nui’s Club seems to have been renamed Runway to tie in with sister bar, Airport. If they decide to call their next bar Cockpit, it’ll probably be one to avoid. Just a thought, but if all the new regime are going to do is spend their time and energy having a go at Thailand’s bars and discos, wasn’t staging a military coup perhaps just a teeny bit over the top? Actually, there’s been a bit of a crackdown on visa overstays as well. It’s been suggested that this is to weed out the filth and scum, though the authorities deny that they are targeting Arabs, Russians or Indians. It seems that a group of visa overstayers came up with a novel way to get round the new regulations after watching a rerun of ‘The Great Escape’… Two local monks have been defrocked after being arrested by police for possession of drugs and pornography. They claimed in their defence that the drugs were an aid to meditation as they made it last longer. A sort of spiritual Viagra, maybe? It still doesn’t explain the porn though. Naughty monks. Armed soldiers in full combat gear were sent to a tourist beach the other Wednesday to clear away the food stalls and other vending operations, allegedly as “part of a campaign to clean up the country’s image”. Really? Not sure that the average tourist visiting Thailand for the first time and seeing a beach crawling with armed soldiers attacking beach vendors will be thinking to themselves “I’d sure like to come here again”. The 2014 Pattaya Marathon was once again convincingly won by Kenya, whose athletes took the top six places in the event. Very good, but you’d think a place like Pattaya could come up with a more imaginative idea for a marathon. One bloke said his idea of a marathon was 26 pints, a chicken vindaloo and a bar girl. Wonder how he deals with a half marathon? be seeing you monkeyman

If I could own any bar in Pattaya, I'd choose this one. The business model is bulletproof.

With all the bars shut, they haven't got anywhere else to go.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to post curfew Patts. Hoorah. A Malaysian bloke who decided to spice up his first trip to Thailand by ordering a penis enlarger online was more than a little miffed when he opened the package and found it contained a magnifying glass. There’s been disquiet in some quarters after it was reported that a certain Walking Street Go Go bar is controversially employing ladyboy dancers. This is absolutely appalling. Some poor unsuspecting poof could go in there and end up with a girl by mistake. Drivers in Pattaya are going to find it harder to get their licences following the introduction of a new and tougher driving test in Thailand last month. Instead of the old 30 question theory test, they will now have to answer 50 questions and the pass score has been raised from 75 per cent to 90 per cent. Worse still, if they get through that they now have to drive a car as part of the test as well. Baht bus drivers will, however, be exempt from the theory bit – and the driving bit. Tourist officials have announced that Pattaya has bounced back following the ending of the curfew and the streets are once again teeming with happy holidaymakers… Bars news now, and a group of Walking Street Go Go’s seem to be involved in some kind of juggling act. Hooties has closed and the staff have moved to Roxy, the Roxy staff have moved to Nui’s and the Nui’s staff have moved to Playgirls. Roxy and Hooties are mooted to have been bought by Insomnia as part of their expansion plans, so expect both premises to be absorbed into Insomnia before too long. Tiger has gone dark and Lucifer’s, one Harem and both Ginzas are the latest places to be closed following police raids. Guess they forgot to renew their subscriptions. Discussion about bar closures invariably generates comments about the enigma that is tea money, though the significance of this is often exaggerated. It’s been said that the remuneration involved isn’t usually more than a single barfine, though if it was based on Moon Club rates it’d probably put most bars out of business. Two Indian tourists turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other Thursday night to report they’d been drugged and robbed (here we go again.) They claimed to have met two women in the restaurant of the seedy Central Pattaya hotel where they were sharing a room and been persuaded to take the ladies to their room for some horizontal bonding. They drank a load of beer and although one of the victims noticed one of the women slipping something into the cans, it was too late and they both passed out. When they woke up, they had allegedly been robbed of 100,000 baht and a 20,000 baht iPhone. When police check the room out they found a load of beer cans and some used condoms which were taken away for further examination (nice work if you can get it - not.) So how come two blokes who were staying in a dirt cheap doss house (but still had to share a room) happened to have 100,000 baht and an expensive phone in their possession? And why was it too late to stop the drugging when they saw the stuff being put into the cans? And why do the police have to waste their time filing bogus insurance claims for cheap stinking pigs? Those who doubted that Oliver Reed ever visited Pattaya are shown the urine sample he gave during a bar raid in 1998… Some farangs visiting Pattaya Floating Market recently have been getting confused when told that they now have to pay 200 baht to get in if they don’t have a Thai with them. They seem to think that the place has introduced some kind of dress code. Someone emailed a well- known weekly blog column a couple of weeks back to say that 5000 baht LT was a fair price. Well, based on the old adage that the uglier you are the more you pay, that guy must have a face that’d stop a clock. Pattaya Police station had a busy time in the early hours of June 19 when no less than four tourists turned up to report robberies in the space of half an hour. First we had a mugging by ladyboys on Beach Road, then a pickpocket on a baht bus, followed by another ladyboy mugging and topped off with a robbery from a hotel safe. They were all told that the police couldn’t be bothered with any of this as they were too busy raiding bars. The bloke on the baht bus came off worst, having lost 2900 GBP from his pocket. He must have been planning to barfine an agency girl. Looks like the police have come up with a new way of dealing with criminals on Beach Road… The rat problem on Beach Road has kicked off again, with numerous reports of the little buggers being seen scurrying about in the sand and feeding on garbage left behind by tourists. There have also been reports of large numbers of vermin down the South end of Walking Street. With tourism running at alarmingly low levels, Pattaya officials are focusing on cleaning up the beach and conducting more drug tests in an attempt to remedy the situation. So nothing to do with curfews and bar raids then. One official did suggest tackling extortion by jet ski operators, so he was the first one sent for a drug test. Raids were carried out on four foreign language radio stations the Wednesday before last and ‘irregularities’ were found at three of them. The fourth station got off on a technicality after they pointed out they didn’t broadcast in a foreign language – they only used English. be seeing you monkeyman