monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois (learned that in the Frog Bar), and welcome to this month’s instalment of Pattaya unzipped. Better do it quick before the military takes over on Thursday and puts us up against a wall. Police paid a visit to Bali Hai pier after complaints from locals that five Chinese blokes dressed up as Magic Monkeys were touting for cash from tourists in exchange for a bit of dancing and other assorted malarkey. On seeing the approaching boys in brown, three of the monkeys had it away on their toes a bit sharpish but the remaining two weren’t quick enough and ended up having their collars felt. They were taken back to the police station and told if they wanted to extract money from tourists they’d be better off ditching the monkey outfits in favour of dressing up as women and hanging around Beach Road. Just a thought, but if they were dressed as Magic Monkeys, how could the locals tell they were Chinese? Those of you who don’t mind using squat toilets in Thailand should take heed of what happened to a Thai bloke when he went to do his ablutions in his own home. There he was, squatting away and minding his own business when a 10 foot long python shot up through the hole and buried its fangs into his dick. The man said the snake was “yanking very hard” on his gentleman’s sausage until his wife came along and pulled him off. Don’t know why she bothered – sounds like the snake was doing okay on its own. Anyway, our hero clearly didn’t appreciate this strange menage a trois as he’s now planning to replace his squat toilet with a sitting one. Wonder what the python’s planning? Still, he was better off than another Thai bloke whose wife cut his dick off altogether when she found out he’d been shagging her best friend (possibly ex-best friend now.) Strangely, when this was reported in the media they gave him an alias ‘to avoid embarrassment’ but published several photos of him during the aftermath of the attack, most of which showed his face quite clearly (but not his dick, wherever that was.) There you go then, embarrassment avoided, job done. Unbelievable. If Pattaya hotels are to attract quality tourists, the highest level of fixtures and fittings is essential… Okay, here’s this month’s dip into the Monkeywatch archives from 10 years ago. Anyone remember this little incident from June 2006? “In another bit of news on bar busts, the word is that the boys in brown have decided to drop all charges against the showgirl at the centre of the Top Girls gerbil show controversy as they’ve been unable to track down the offending rodent. A police spokesman said that they’d questioned the girl for several hours but hadn’t managed to get anything out of her.” The Transport Minister has given the green light for development of Pattaya Ferry Port within the next 12 months. Let’s see if it has more effect than the red lights do. The local Employment and Social Security Offices have joined forces for this Year’s Pattaya Jobs Fair and have appealed to the public for donations that might assist local people to find gainful employment. So far they’ve received some second hand chrome poles, a couple of fake watches and a plastic bag full of yabba tablets. This year’s underwater farting contest produced some impressive results… Bar news now, and Shark club has reopened as Overmind, but it probably doesn’t matter. There’s also a new Go Go opened in the Soi Buakhao area that goes by the name of Fairy Club. So now we have clubs called Queens, Iron and Fairy. Do you think they’re trying to tell us something? Police were contacted by a small hotel in Central Pattaya last Wednesday following an incidence of theft from their premises. It seems that a Thai bloke in a sharp suit booked into the place and then was seen driving away shortly afterwards. On checking his room, they found that a large flat screen television had gone missing, along with a big mirror, some shower gel and a quantity of soap (sounds like he made a clean getaway.) The staff were questioned by police but were unable to explain how the man was able to get a large television through the lobby without anyone noticing. They did, however, explain why there was no CCTV recording of the theft – the bloke came back and stole the CCTV equipment while they were checking out his room. A one-way traffic experiment in East Pattaya was declared a failure after it was discovered that most of it never actually came back. However, City Hall declared it to be a work of genius and plan to introduce the system on Beach Road as soon as possible. An area of Pattaya Beach has now been reserved exclusively for people with big arses… Pattaya has yet another new Police Chief. Early days yet, but first impressions are that he understands what is expected of him and he’ll be less of a threat to the status quo than Francis Rossi (do another Frantic Four tour, dicksplash.) Last Tuesday evening, five massage parlours were raided by a team of Pattaya Police, Tourist Police (what did it have to do with them?) and over 100 ‘volunteers’ (why did they volunteer?) They drew a complete blank at all the venues and later announced that they were pleased to see there is no human trafficking in Pattaya. Well, we knew that already, and so did they. Word is they checked some Thai places out in the sticks and found some things going on. Some say they were paid to look the other way, so they did and it was going on over there as well. Finally, following feedback from the Improvement Project 2012-2015, the soon to be ex-mayor reportedly said he’d like to see Pattaya become a “New Horizon: in Active Beach – Mice City – World Sport Destination – World Class Smart Tourism City – Asian Super Cluster.” Well, wouldn’t we all? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and core coon crap for dropping in to celebrate an unbelievable 10 years of this disreputable little diatribe. To mark this auspicious occasion, there’s a new feature (not before time) to remind us of things gone by, but more of that later. On with the news. Have you heard about the new top-end tourist attraction in Pattaya that took 10 years to build and cost 200 million baht? Well you won’t now, cos it burned to the ground last Friday shortly before it was due to open its doors for the first time. Stop sniggering at the back. Local police have equipped 50 of their officers with helmet-mounted cameras to “help them better document their work”. The officers said they liked the idea in principle but were finding it difficult to fasten the zips of their trousers. A man burgling a house on Soi Chaiyapun was so shocked when confronted by the owner of the property who turned out to be a local police officer that he dropped dead on the spot. Absolutely shocking. The police shouldn’t be wasting time arresting criminals when there’s a whole city full of bars to be raided. An update has been issued about how the Pattaya Beach clean-up measures are going. It said “Badly.” In an attempt to reduce crime, Pattaya has introduced its own version of on-the-spot fines… Right, time for the new feature. Every month there’ll be a story from exactly 10 years ago to remind us of how things have (or haven’t) changed. So here we go with a snippet from the very first Monkeywatch in May 2006… “The latest news from the government is that all infrastructure projects in Thailand have been suspended. Various plans have been put forward as cost-cutting measures, such as the planned new buses being replaced by conga lines. It’s also been suggested that, instead of building new light rail lines to reduce the number of cars in Bangkok, they could achieve the same result by letting Indians drive the taxis for a couple of days.” The Royal Varuna Yacht Club in Pattaya is to host this year’s Optimist World Championship. The special guest at the event will be the contestant from 2015 who came last but thought he’d done quite well so was declared the winner. Pattaya is the host for The Air, Sea, Land Games Thailand Open 2016 which begins on May 11. The featured sports include Jet Ski, Boating, Rock Climbing, Football, Diving and Shooting, so we can expect an influx of jet ski scammers… (and rock climbing scammers, diving scammers, boating scammers…) All contestants will be tested for drugs to make sure they haven’t forgotten to take them. A crackdown has been ordered against illegal signs as they “block the scenery and make the area look ugly”. If that’s true perhaps they should consider a crackdown on Chinese tourists as well. The annual Pattaya Fishing Contest is temporarily suspended after one of the contestants is suspected of cheating… Bar news time, and the first news is that Only O on Soi Diamond has closed. Well actually it’s the last news as well as there’s bugger all else to report. Well, except that Shark Club has closed but the word is that Spice Club is now Shark Club in all but name so in fact it’s Spice Club that’s closed, except that it’s still there so it hasn’t. Glad we’ve cleared that up. Locals have complained to City Hall about all the assorted crap in the water by Bali Hai Pier, saying that the place was starting to look like Pattaya Beach. Officials have agreed that if it looks that bad then urgent action is needed. The former Secretary to the Minister of Education celebrated his 64th birthday last week at his Pattaya home. Christ, that must have set the local society calendar on fire. No wonder then that the media saw fit to report on this fascinating event. And they call that news? They’ll be reporting on somebody falling into a fish pond next. It’s been reported that a Thai man fell into a fish pond in South Pattaya last Friday. The incident took place in a temple on Moo 10. A spokesman said “The man is as well as can be expected under the circumstances. He’s dead.” He was apparently discovered by a monk while he was cleaning out the pond. Well, you know how it is. You’re cleaning out a fish pond, your mind on other things. You probably don’t notice the odd corpse floating around for a while. Beach vendors who complained about the filthy old bags on Beach Road have said they would like to make it clear that they were referring to the sand bags put in place last year to prevent beach erosion… Residents in Thepprasit have complained to City Hall about large quantities of septic waste being dumped in their vicinity. They were promptly sent on their way after being told that American tour groups had as much right to visit the area as anyone else. Here’s a bit of a twist. An incident was reported in Naklua a few days ago in which a Thai was given a kicking by seven tourists. Now that’s a real man bites dog story – except it doesn’t have a dog…or a bite. Police announced last Tuesday that they had arrested three major drug dealers, one of whom had been found to be in possession of four yabba tablets. The phrase ‘must try harder’ springs to mind. Like in the good old days when police found a bloke with a few hundred yabba tablets hidden in his anus – probably the most effective anti-drugs message they’d ever issued. City Hall has launched a new initiative called ‘Preventative Measure for Life and Belongings of Tourists’ (where do they get all these catchy little names from?) in order to “enforce zero crime against tourists.” They’ve even introduced a mascot called “Mr Care For You” to ensure the campaign’s success. Well that’s it then, job done. We can all put our gold chains back on and stuff our baht into our back pockets in complete safety. Apart from the four people who showed up at the police station less than 48 hours later to report that they’d been robbed by ladyboys. Finally, a big thanks to all of you who’ve supported this squalid little publication with your patronage and kind comments over the last 10 years. Without your support, we wouldn’t still be here after all this time. So you’ve got a lot to answer for. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to April, which is forecast to be a wet month in Pattaya. No shit, Sherlock. Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a mere 500 baht as he hadn’t realised it was so valuable. Following complaints from locals, police raided an abandoned house in Naklua last week and found a couple of dozen teenagers drinking and consuming a variety of drugs. The teenagers all admitted the offences, saying they had little else to do in the evenings since the police closed down their bridge club. Many businesses have collapsed in Pattaya over the years, but none quite as literally as the one in Soi VC which crashed to the ground, taking three electric poles and a quantity of electric cables with it. The building was already in the process of being demolished, so the injudicious use of a jackhammer by the Thai contractors merely speeded the process up a little. This will be of little comfort to the owner of the site who now has to pay for the contractors, the repair work to the electricity supply and a further 150,000 baht to replace the damaged poles. Just another day in paradise. This fine piece of machinery is owned by a local exporter… or is it an ex-porter?.. A seminar and workshop were held last month at a Beach Road hotel aimed at promoting Muslim tourism. Reservations were expressed by some attendees, though there was an enthusiastic response from Indian tailors who are already said to be planning ahead by producing waistcoats with at least 20 pockets. An employee is suspected of being responsible for a Central Road hotel room break-in which an Indian couple were robbed of 40,000 baht and an iPhone 6 …and a dozen Faberge eggs, an original painting by Matisse, the Kohinoor diamond, the Ark of the Covenant and a signed copy of the Koran. Police are making further enquiries before the submission of the insurance claim. Better still, a local publication carried a story entitled ‘Indian Businessman Stolen In Pattaya Hotel’. Audacious theft or misprint? Probably the latter, as it’s hard to imagine that there’s much demand for them on the black market. Pattaya has set up its own system to search for extra-terrestrials. Curiously, the detection units seem to be pointing towards the streets… Bar news now, and the last month has seen Infinity A Go Go close then reopen under new management. Bliss A Go Go opened as planned to keep the numbers up but then both Gentlemen’s Club and the Sea on Soi Diamond shut up shop to keep them down again. Even Champion A Go Go has gone south, though literally in this case, as it’s moved from its time honoured location on Walking Street to Soi Lucky Star and to a further location on Soho Square. And FLB Bar has reopened – as a kebab shop. The times they are a changin’. The Chonburi Immigration Service has deported a man back to Russia following a request from the Russian Embassy. The man was described as a Russian mobster wanted for corruption, fraud, drugs, prostitution and money laundering. Or, to put it another way, a Russian. After years of threats about low-hanging signs in Walking Street, City Hall have finally taken action and sent workers in to remove the offending signage. Any sign less than 5.5 metres from the ground is to be cut down and thrown away. Sounds like the bars are going to have to find some taller hello girls. On Indian reservations they have a pipe of peace. In Pattaya, they have a piece of pipe… A Russian was punched in the face by a Thai on Beach Road after ‘rejecting’ an offer of Viagra and a sex show. When the police arrived, the Russian hid his face from photographers for fear of being recognised and attacked again, saying he didn’t want to fight anybody. Obviously not a hard man then. Perhaps he should have accepted the Viagra offer after all. A couple of Arabs ended up in hospital last Tuesday after being knocked off their motorbike and mugged. A police spokesman said “This sort of thing is totally unacceptable. You can’t have people being attacked and robbed just because they’re stinking pigs”. A Middle Eastern embassy official said he welcomed the sentiment of the statement though he was a little less enthusiastic about the phraseology. Finally, remember that incident in March when some Ruskies pretended to be zombies in a Jomtien restaurant? Well, the word is that they were filming a scene for a new restaurant-based horror movie called ‘I Spit In Your Gravy’. A likely story. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s special bridge edition. And no, there isn’t a slope on it. It seems that Thailand is fed up of being labelled as a cheap destination and now wants to attract ‘premium visitors’. Like the sort of people who belong to bridge clubs? Having obviously decided that the bridge incident wasn’t enough to put people off going to Pattaya, over 100 police carried out a raid on Walking Street bars and arrested 30 foreigners for not carrying their passports around with them (which we all do of course). Reports say that they were detained at the Tourist Police Station until they produced their passports, which were presumably back at their hotels. Clever trick if you can do it. A Thai bloke was arrested the other week for impersonating a police officer after being reported to the real police by a woman in East Pattaya. She told them that the man had arrested her at an ATM machine on some trumped up charge and tried to extort 20,000 baht out of her to secure her release. It has not yet been established what led the woman to suspect that he wasn’t a real police officer. In Germany, this is a bridge spoiler… In Thailand, this is a bridge spoiler… We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings. A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling. When they’re not investigating organised bridge gangs, the Army busy themselves with other important matters of national security like beach umbrellas. They’ve told the Beach Road deckchair vendors that they must have their sun umbrellas either all open or all closed. One vendor complained that this was a bridge too far, at which point his plot of beach was raided by 200 police officers who proceeded to frisk his customers and confiscate 17 credit cards, 12 business cards, 42 postcards and 4 birthday cards. Fortunately for the hapless victims, the total number came to less than 120 cards so they were allowed to go on their way after each receiving a 500 baht fine and a whack over the head with a nightstick. The owner of this helmet was sensible and was wearing it when he crashed. We know this ‘cos his head’s still inside it… Bar news now, and it’s been a quiet month. Harem A Go Go on Walking Street has ‘temporarily closed for renovations’ and Zero a Go Go on LK Metro appears to have closed on a less temporary basis. Beach Club has moved from Soi 15 to Soi Happy and been replaced by Spice Club. On the up side, Bliss A Go Go is getting ready to open on Walking Street. Oh, and three of the Ruskie joints on Walking Street have closed. The party’s over, comrades. A female quality tourist from Scotland was refused entry to Thailand after ripping pages from her passport to wipe her arse while she was pissed out of her mind. Immigration officials listened to her explanation about the missing pages but decided to deport her back to Glasgow on the grounds that she was a shitfaced jock slapper, apparently a specific offence in their rule book. A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face. Local engineers have come up with another winner – the motorised sandbag… A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl. Police arrested 11 people at a shop in Central Pattaya the other Friday morning after a tip off that alcohol was being sold out of hours and gambling was taking place. The shop owner was charged with making illegal alcohol sales and the rest with illegal gambling, though the much more serious charge of playing bridge while over the age of 65 was dropped. Finally, a Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it. No bridges were harmed during the writing of these stories. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another dose of devilishly dastardly deeds from the past month. Wagons roll. City officials have announced that there’s to be a crackdown on vehicle pollution in Pattaya, with checkpoints being set up at various locations to measure the noxious fumes being emitted by clapped out cars, trucks, baht buses and the like. Never mind all that – farting in bars by clapped out tourists is a much bigger problem since some selfish individuals decided to stop smoking and covering the stench up. A Gentlemen’s Club sign has had to be removed from the wall of a Pattaya temple after several anonymous complaints were allegedly made about its lack of propriety. Fortunately, the situation has been resolved - the head monk now wears it round his neck. Koh Larn is in the news again, this time because a couple of Chinese blokes reported to police that they’d been forced to buy four cheap plastic wallets for 12,000 baht or they’d get a good kicking. Now that’s real pressure selling. However, after further questioning, the men admitted that they might have fibbed a bit and in fact had just been conned into paying a silly price for some worthless crap. Anybody who’s taken out a Sky TV subscription must know what that feels like. Women have triplets, but Thai Police have quads… A Swede was seriously injured the other Thursday after a road crash in North Pattaya. A turnip was also damaged and there’s little hope for the banana or the plums. Another accident on the same road on the same day resulted in a crushed monk. A city official said “Something clearly needs to be done – but we don’t know what it is.” In the latest Pattaya strange tale, a Thai chap smashed a toilet on the floor of a DIY store in Central Pattaya after being refused a replacement for the allegedly faulty item because he’d got cement all over it. Police were called but said they couldn’t take any action as they’d got nothing to go on – much like the bloke who smashed his toilet. It was a case of Cowboys and Indians minus the Cowboys in East Pattaya a couple of weekends ago when four Indian tourists had a scrap with each other that left one of them with a gashed head. The chappie responsible for the injury told police that he’d been attacked by his three ‘friends’ because he refused to go for a drink with them so defended himself by smashing a broken bottle into the head of the nearest assailant. Well, that sounds about as plausible as the average Pattaya travel insurance claim. The others came out with a different version of events but police wisely decided that all the stories were a load of complete and utter bollocks. The men were told in no uncertain terms that this sort of stinking piggery wouldn’t be tolerated and put them all up for deportation. This should impress the quality tourists… Bars news time now, and the sad news for us old stagers is that FLB Bar finally reached the end of the road and closed its doors at the end of January. Well, it didn’t actually have any doors, but you know what I mean. Another piece of Pattaya history bites the dust. We wait to see what manner of phoenix rises from the ashes on this piece of hallowed ground. Another long standing establishment to bite the dust is Super Baby, not to mention Smile Rock Girls (so we won’t.) On the instructions of the Chief of Police, no less than 470 Pattaya police officers were ordered to report to the Hollywood Discotheque on 19 January to undergo drug tests to see if they’d been indulging in illegal substances whilst on duty. All the officers passed the tests with flying colours (surprising) but were told that further tests would be carried out in future and next time no advanced warning would be given (suddenly not so surprising.) Also surprising was the choice of venue for the tests. Why the Hollywood Discotheque? Weird. A Go Go dancer was injured last week after being attacked with a corkscrew by a fellow worker outside their bar. Hospital staff were a little confused when told that the injured lady had been screwed half to death, assuming this to be an occupational hazard in her line of work. Somebody better warn Paul McCartney that Heather Mills is back in town… Chinese tourists have been branded as a bunch of yobbos by their own government after a series of unsavoury incidents in various countries, not least the appalling racket in Suvarnabhumi Airport that was meant to be a collective rendition of their National Anthem but sounded more like a cat sliding down a blackboard. A warning has been issued that further repetitions of this kind of behaviour will result in the miscreants being banned from foreign travel. Wonder if any of the Ruskies fancy a sing song? Pattaya Police have received orders from on high that they must clear their entire backlog of cases by the end of the month. Shortly after the announcement was made public, several hundred Burmese workers were seen running for the hills. And we can’t finish without the story of the month, even though you probably know most of it already. Following a tip off from ‘an informant’, over 50 police officers raided a senior citizens’ bridge club in South Pattaya, apparently because they thought some kind of gambling was going on. The raid came as something of a surprise to the assortment of British, Irish, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Danish, German, Canadian, Australian and New Zealander club members, as they’ve been holding meeting 3 times a week without let or hindrance since well before the end of the last century. Needless to say, the police found no evidence of gambling (because there wasn’t any) so in a desperate attempt to save face they used a little known 80 year old law forbidding anyone to own more than 120 playing cards as an excuse to arrest all 32 players and cart them off to the local nick, taking the cards and tournament records with them as evidence. The hapless geriatrics were held in custody and interrogated for 12 hours then forced to sign confessions that they’d been gambling (even though they hadn’t) before being released on bail – except for one lady who refused to sign and remained incarcerated. And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that one of the arrested players was a former Honorary British Consul. The president of Thailand’s bridge league had to get her arse over to Pattaya so she could explain to the police exactly how the game is played. What started out as a little local story found its way onto BBC TV News, then the British national press picked it up, and now it’s gone viral and spread across the entire planet’s media services, once again dragging Thailand’s reputation through the mire and making it the laughing stock of the world. Mongers of Pattaya rejoice – a few more incidents like this and you’ll have the place to yourselves. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and a very Happy New Year to one and all. Let’s get started. Pattaya Police were told by the powers on high that they should be focusing on drink drivers over the Christmas period to try and reduce the usual carnage on the roads. If the results they achieved are anything to go by, they had even more trouble focusing than the drivers did. The New Year Event at Bali Hai was dubbed ‘Stall Wars’ after police were called in following a dispute between a stall owner and the event’s organisers. The stall owner apparently paid the organisers for a prime spot to set up her barbecue but on arrival was well miffed to discover that she’d been moved from her allotted slot in the food section into the middle of the clothing section. This didn’t go down too well with the clothing vendors who reckoned they’d be lucky to sell anything other than homburgers, smoking jackets, blazers and flares. The organisers are now being investigated for fraud by Pattaya Police and by City Hall, who organised the event. Hang on a minute… The Bali Hai New Year Countdown Concert didn’t fare too well either, with City Hall (yes, them again) considering banning alcohol sales at the event for public safety reasons. Well, that would certainly have made Bali Hai a safer place as there wouldn’t have been anybody there. As it happened, they decided to back off on this one so tradition was upheld and the usual drunken mayhem ensued. Result. In an effort to cut costs, Thai Air has announced the launch of its new budget airline… In a surprise move, Pattaya and Bangkok police carried out raids on two Ruskie Go Go Bars last week, resulting in the arrest of several dancers and punters. The owner of one of the bars, a Mr Lucky Lucianovich, protested that he was a legitimate businessman and demanded to know why the police were arresting his ballerinas and art loving clientele. He added that he would be complaining to the Minister for Culture until police informed him that the Minister had been found hiding under a table during the raid on the other bar. A chap was arrested by Pattaya police last Friday after being caught stealing women’s underwear from a washing line. When questioned, he claimed his name was Arnold Layne and he’d been planning to take a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express but didn’t have anything to wear. He apologised for his actions and said he’ll now go on the normal Siberian Express instead. A group of beach vendors stormed up to City Hall and went apeshit after being informed that they wouldn’t be allowed to pitch tents along Beach Road for the New Year Countdown Festival as they’ve done in previous years. It was explained to them that this was for security reasons related to global terrorism, which they accepted and went quickly and peacefully on their way – mainly because they were told they’d be shot by the military if they didn’t. If they want these MP3 players to sell, reckon they’ll have to make ‘em a bit smaller… Bar news next, and Pandora’s (that seems to be the accepted spelling now) on LK Metro has reopened and is getting the thumbs up all round, as befits its new image as an old school Go Go run by an old school Go Go manager. More please. There’s also another new Go Go on LK Metro in the shape of Touch, which has replaced the defunct Oscar’s. Only O on Soi Diamond closed for a while but then reopened just before Christmas, as did What’s Up Imagine a few days later. A Thai woman is being hunted by Pattaya Police after footage of her stealing money from a shop in Naklua was posted on Facebook. Police have said they are prepared to overlook the incident if she posts further footage on Facebook of her putting the money back again. Lazy buggers. An Australian quality tourist cut himself to ribbons in the early hours of last Tuesday morning after he fell through the glass on the front door of Pattaya Police Station while attempting to leave the premises. Some commented that the man was a pane in the glass and should have been charged with breaking and exiting, and one even had the audacity to suggest that he may have been pissed. Outrageous. Well, that should help tourists no end… Bali Hai was in the news yet again the other Wednesday when one of the Koh Larn ferries was incinerated in a mystery blaze while moored in the port. Unusually for a Koh Larn ferry, it didn’t actually sink – it just set fire to two other Koh Larn ferries that both sank instead. The following Wednesday, the Chief of Banglamung District turned up at Bali Hai to launch the New Year Marine Safety Campaign for Pattaya. Yeah, right. One thing the campaign will focus on is checks on the use of life jackets. One suspects that they may be used quite a lot. A young Russian lad ended up in Pattaya Hospital last week after getting into a fight with a gang of monkeys on Koh Larn. Initial reports claimed one of the monkeys attacked the hapless waif and bit him on the leg, though an eye witness later said of the boy “He started it. He had a pointed stick.” Local residents, who had originally petitioned City Hall to remove the offending monkey from the island, are now demanding that the boy be removed as well in the interests of fair play. Rumours that the two protagonists are being lined up for a rematch at the Fairtex Stadium have been strongly denied by the owners. Finally, a Chinese bloke was arrested in South Pattaya last Tuesday after he was spotted with an automatic pistol and ammunition. When questioned, he said he’d been on wild boar hunt in the jungle but hadn’t found any so decided to go on a stinking pig hunt in Soi 16 instead. Don’t suppose that took very long. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Christmas showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our festive foray into Fun City. Jingle all the way. The discussions about enforcing the ban on bars in Pattaya being situated within 300 metres of all educational establishments (or 500 metres depending on who you listen to) have been adjourned with no agreement reached. Shame, as we thought this ban was a good idea. There’s nothing worse than the sound of noisy kids when you’re having a short-time in the afternoon. It’s been said that a ban could close many bars in Pattaya, even extending to Walking Street, but they clearly overlooked a much more satisfactory way of complying with such regulations. Close all the feckin’ schools. You hear about people going the extra mile, but half marathon runners in Bangkok ended up going the extra four miles after a cock up by course officials sent them off the prescribed route and along what turned out to be a somewhat lengthy diversion. However, they did set a new record for the world’s longest half marathon and the organisers have offered all participants a free t-shirt by way of an apology, though this will be scant comfort to the bloke who ended up finishing the race in the back of a taxi when his legs gave way after 23 km. Fuckin’ cheat. Pattaya is on a heightened state of alert following reports that two members of so-called Islamic Stinking Pig are on their way to the city in order to blow everybody on Walking Street to buggery. In response to this, police apprehended one Muslim and carried out a controlled explosion on what they thought was a stick of explosive in his trousers but turned out to be his penis. Oh well, at least some good came out of it. Don’t suppose he’ll have the balls to try anything now. Mind you, these Islamists must be a pretty tough bunch if we believe this story on the BBC News website… In a predictable tale, a bloke jumped to his death from a South Pattaya shopping mall, reminding us all that in Pattaya you should always look up as well as left and right before crossing any kind of thoroughfare. In a less predictable tale, a cat jumped to its death from a South Pattaya condo block on the very same day. Police were unable to establish a motive for the incident, but decided that that animal was probably having relationship problems and recorded a verdict of suicide. The next day, yet another suicide was recorded, that of an unemployed welder. Hang on a minute, if he was unemployed then he wasn’t a welder, was he? Anyway, he was found in the toilet of his home in a deceased state of being. Well, if it was good enough for Elvis… And to top it all, a cock was found hung by a noose on a tree in East Pattaya. That’s cock as in bird – the dick jokes have already been done elsewhere. Anyway, this one looks like murder as the bird is reckoned to have lost a few fights too many and cost his owner an arm and a leg. One hung cock? Sounds like a Chinese tourist. Donald Trump’s latest outpouring isn’t a new idea. Some years ago, a Pattaya night spot slapped a blanket ban on Muslim women entering the premises… Bar news now, and first the surprising news that Spanky’s has become a ladyboy bar by the name of Katoeys Are Us. Or perhaps not so surprising as the place was formerly a poofs paradise that went under the name of Limmatquai 80 (named after a place in Zurich in case you were wondering.) Dollhouse is now open at its new location on Soi 15. Taboo A Go Go opened on Walking Street on the site formerly occupied by Fairies and a host of other failed bars – and then promptly closed again. Looks like it’s going to reopen as some kind of disco. Super. Pandors’s on LK Metro has closed already and looks set to be replaced by a new Go Go Bar run by a well-known gentleman previously associated with FLB, Sisterz, Babydolls and Private Dancer to name but a few. And Shanghai A Go Go has opened on Soi Lengkee (just walk down Soi Diana then keep going until you get hopelessly lost.) It’s been observed that the red and white swimming barriers along Pattaya’s beaches have found many other uses apart from the zoning of bathing areas. These include walking, fishing, sunbathing, and of course the most popular of the lot, drowning. An Indian tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station in the wee hours of last Wednesday to report that he’d been assaulted outside a Walking Street Go Go Bar. He claimed he’d been sitting on a motorbike that someone had parked outside the bar while waiting for a friend when the doorman came over and told him to get off the bike. When he argued he was set upon by the doorman and two other men and given a good kicking. He also claimed that after the assault he was robbed of a gold necklace worth 75,000 baht and a wallet containing 3,000 baht in cash. The wallet was later handed in at the police station but the 3,000 baht it had supposedly contained had mysteriously disappeared. The police told him to take his empty wallet and bugger off, and the report was filed under ‘stinking pig stories’ in the station’s fiction department. If you want to know where the Bamboo Bar is, don’t ask anybody who fancies himself as a comedian… A Thai village chief is being commended after handing in a bag containing over $6,000 which he found next to a swimming pool in a Pattaya hotel. Police described the man as ‘a model public spirited citizen’, while his wife described him as ‘a dickhead’. Thailand is supporting this year’s International Anti-Corruption Day with the motto “Transparent Thailand”. Presumably because everybody will see through it in an instant. And finally, on December 5 the King celebrated his 88th birthday. Nobody has made a joke about this yet – and I ain’t gonna be the first. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to our Guy Fawkes edition full of gunpowder, treason and plot… or not. Jet ski operators are to be told that they will be required by law to have insurance in place by the end of the month, according to a statement by local officials. This comes hot on the heels of an emergency meeting called to provide an urgent solution to this most pressing of problems. The meeting took place in September 2013. In a further development of the jet ski saga, Pattaya has opened three so-called ‘dispute centers’ where jet ski related problems can be resolved without recourse to the police. Not sure how these places are meant to sort out the problems – probably two falls or a submission. It’s been announced that Pattaya is to have a new high speed ferry in the near future. An official from the Marine Department said that the makers of the new craft have guaranteed that it will be capable of sinking as least twice as fast as the old ones. Pattaya has always been a Mecca for those wishing to purchase quality part-worn tyres… Deputy Interior Minister Sooty McBoon (or something like that) has announced that Honda Thailand is to distribute 90,000 jackets and 30,000 pairs of socks to residents of 11 northerly provinces to help residents cope with the winter weather. To help even further, they are believed to be providing 10 Honda F1 engines for use as door stops. The local Tourism Authority office has reported that Chinese tourists continue to flock to Koh Larn despite the various ghastly fates that have befallen many of their fellow countrymen while visiting the Land of Smiles. A representative from Zero Coin Tours, a popular Chinese travel company, said “They seemed to be okay with the bombings, rapes and decapitations, so we thought we’d give shipwrecks a go.” Unfortunately, he said it in Chinese and it got translated as “There’s a purple emu urinating on my rubber chicken”. Must be what they mean by Chinese whispers. There’s been some discussion recently where it’s been postulated that the GFE or girlfriend experience is no longer readily available in Patts. Really? We were reading only the other day about a chap who took a girl to his room where she refused to have sex with him, then smashed a bottle over his head and took his money, phone and motorcycle. Now that’s a real GFE for you. The celebrated Beach Road sculpture ‘The Flight of the Pork Scratching’ is currently undergoing some routine restoration… Bar news next, and there’s been quite a few comings and goings of late. LK Metro saw the arrival of Ninja A Go Go and the strangely named Pandors’s (presumably meant to be Pandora’s but the bloke who put the sign up obviously didn’t know his a’s from his elbow.) We also have Only O A Go Go in Soi Diamond, which is quite a mouthful, hopefully. Climax on LK Metro has mutated from a Go Go to a beer bar, though the odd chrome pole is still in evidence. The reported demise of Amethyst Club turned out to be somewhat exaggerated as it reopened the day after. And it seems that Dollhouse is to be reborn, though on Soi 14 rather than Walking Street. Whoopee. The Chinese ‘Gin Jai’ Vegetarian Festival took place a few weeks ago and a special party was laid on to celebrate the opening night of the 10 day event. In best balloon chasing tradition, a group of expats duly showed up but were offered nothing but a bowl of fried rice. Guess they must have arrived too late for the hog roast. Interestingly, Pattaya Public Health Department decided to run a campaign of food hygiene checks around the city during the exact same 10 day period as the festival. A complete coincidence, obviously. Pattaya’s local media services were buzzing last week after video footage of a meteor passing over the city was posted online by several witnesses. However, on further investigation it turned out to be a false alarm, as the footage in question was later identified as being of the winner of a local parachute club’s fart lighting contest. That new McDonald’s on Beach Road doesn’t seem to be very busy… Police were called at the weekend after the body of a man was discovered under a house. Further investigations revealed that the man was the owner of the house and had been lying under it for three or four days. Jeez, I’ve heard of drinking yourself under the table but this takes it to a whole new level – literally. District officials recently decided that 66 of Pattaya’s streets needed to be renamed to help reduce the confusion caused by the current numbering system. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on a name for the project so the whole thing was abandoned. And finally, remember this story from last month’s edition? “Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We were then assured that more new pumps had installed and “it would never happen again”. Well, the floods that we were once again told would never happen again have happened again. On October 9…..well, you know the rest.” Well, yesterday it happened again. What was that saying about learning the lessons of history? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s sneaky sojourn in Soggy City. Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We were then assured that more new pumps had been installed and “it would never happen again”. Well, the floods that we were once again told would never happen again have happened again. On October 9…..well, you know the rest. There are so many Chinese tour groups in Pattaya now that the tour guides have taken to putting mascots on top of their sticks so the bunch of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings they’ve got in tow don’t end up following the wrong one. It was certainly something of a surreal experience the other night to witness a group of 30 or so assorted Orientals following a rubber chicken round Walking Street. Still, as they say on Koh Larn, whatever sinks your boat. Never try to get a Thai to work during his T break… There was a bit of a to do in a popular Soi 15 Go Go bar a couple of weeks ago when a power surge knocked out the sound system. Go Go bars definitely don’t work well without music but what can you do? Somebody suggested a singalong like they used to have in the London Underground during the blitz, but most of us decided we’d rather go somewhere else than spend the rest of the evening singing ‘We’ll Meet Again’ and wanking off to old photos of Vera Lynn. Another well-known establishment in the area has started putting on live music shows on Friday evenings, featuring a chap who reportedly didn’t perform on any of the hits of 70’s Brit pop band Brotherhood of Man, an achievement that he shares with me and no doubt with most of his audiences. It’s a good night though – go along and take a look. Anyone walking along Pattaya beach recently would have noticed that a big change has occurred – the complete disappearance of the jet skis. This hasn’t yet been fully explained, though it’s rumoured they’re being lined up to replace the baht buses until City Hall can get the drains sorted out. The Pattaya Engineers Department are currently hard at work removing storm debris from the drainage pipelines and have already cleared out rocks, mud, cement, furniture, a couple of beer bars and most of the new Beach Road promenade. Nice to see that the usual exemplary safety record on Pattaya building sites is being meticulously maintained… Bar news now, and last week saw the closure of Fairies Club (the no name place on Walking Street) after a very short existence. Well, with a name like that it was never going to last long. Ninja A Go Go is due to open shortly on Soi LK Metro. Think we can guess who their target audience is likely to be. Why can’t Indians just get onto a bloody baht bus without having to have a 10 minute conversation with the driver first? Look, if any of you are reading this, the fare is 10 baht, okay? That’s it. Period. Unless the driver accuses you of scratching the bus, in which case it’s 20,010 baht. Actually, there’s a huge amount of Indians in Pattaya at the moment. Christ, the place looks like a Groucho Marx convention. Perhaps someone should tell them that the glasses/moustache/greasy hair look might wow the girls in Mumbai but it doesn’t exactly set the Thai chicks on fire. Haven’t got a bloody clue, have they? Perhaps one day they’ll get to understand Pattaya and end up going home happy instead of with an empty wallet and a perforated arsehole. Three Thai men were arrested last week after they were caught trying to steal Pattaya Beach… Miss Thailand is to pay homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant when she plans to appear dressed as a tuk-tuk. She did however make it clear that anyone expecting a ride for 10 baht was likely to be disappointed. It’s been reported that Thai girls like men who shave down below and are particularly partial to blokes with Brazilians. Not true. I showed a group of Thai birds a photo of me standing between Pele and Felipe Massa and they weren’t impressed at all. Finally, Brit snooker stars Jimmy White and Ken Docherty have been spotted around the LK Metro area several times recently. Don’t worry lads, your secret’s safe with me. And anybody who reads The Sun next week. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another sideways look at what’s going on, what’s going down, what’s going up and what ain’t going anywhere. Police were called to North Pattaya the other day after receiving reports of a suspicious man in a thick coat carrying a bag full of unusual items. The man was released after questioning and was last seen heading towards the North Pole in his reindeer driven sleigh. The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes. Tourists were alarmed the other Wednesday night when a six foot deep hole suddenly appeared in the Beach Road walkway opposite Soi 9. City officials have agreed that this is a grave situation. Representatives from Nakhon Pathom visited Pattaya a few weeks ago to check out the CCTV security system installed throughout the city to protect our peace and freedom. They now intend to install a similar system in their own province, but at 10 per cent of the cost of the Pattaya system by not bothering to install the 90 per cent of cameras that don’t work. The Provincial Electricity Authority visited Pattaya recently to upgrade the city’s power lines. The improvement is clear for all to see… A Colombian chap was arrested by police after trying to hire a car on Second Road using a fake passport. It was later discovered that the passport was actually genuine and the Colombian was a fake but they deported him anyway. A Pattaya club patronised by young Thais has been closed down after being raided and found to be full of underage drinkers imbibing illegal alcohol outside of lawful opening hours. Police called for a fleet of baht buses to transport the teenage drinkers to the police station, but while waiting for the vehicles to arrive the sprightly youngsters legged it in all directions and haven’t been seen since. The establishment was given a five year closure order but was reportedly sold to the owner’s brother the next morning and reopened the following evening under a very slightly different name. Pattaya is one of the cities chosen to ‘rebrand Thai tourism’ by turning it into a world class sports and family tourism centre (stop sniggering at the back). Amongst other things, the Sports Minister proclaimed that “Pattaya stands out as a leader in water sports”. He must have been on about those shows they used to put on at Champagne A Go Go. In an attempt to detect migrants who try to sneak into Pattaya by boat, officials have installed these stinking pig detectors along Beach Road to alert them to any unwanted arrivals. Trouble is, they’re going off all the bloody time… Bar news time, though there’s next to bugger all to report. Zero A Go Go opened as expected and seems to be living up to its name by going into an immediate crash dive. It’s been said that the best way to sink an aircraft carrier would be to drop some of their girls on it. There was a spot of bother in North Pattaya recently when some scaffolding on a partly completed hotel collapsed and caused damage estimated at 100,000 baht. Christ, it must have landed on the Mayor’s Rolex. Reports of a bomber on a local highway caused a bit of a panic in the area a few weeks ago. However, the bomber in question turned out to be an old A-7E Corsair II that was being moved to the Naval Education Center in Sattahip. These aircraft first saw service during the Vietnam War, a fact which was not lost on a Vietnamese bloke who was dragged away from the scene screaming “Those bastards bombed our noodle shop!” A party of Indian tourists have complained to local tourism officials that the ‘discrete luxury air conditioned accommodation’ they were promised hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… A letter has been sent to Pattaya officials threatening that Indian tourists will boycott the city if something isn’t done about the jet ski mafia who seem to have Indians firmly in their sights. Well, that explains why nothing has been done then. It’s a bit like threatening somebody with a lottery jackpot. Actually, this came up last year as well, when the Indian Ambassador to Thailand brought up the same problem and was assured that urgent action would be taken. Or to be more precise, they told him he was a stinking pig and dunked his head in a bucket of elephant urine. Guess it’s business as usual on the beach then. Security in Pattaya has been tightened since the shenanigans in Bangkok and as early as the next day police were seen checking under cars in Walking Street using mirrors on sticks. These devices have been used in Walking Street before, but mainly during raids on Go Go bars to check if the girls were wearing underwear. A meeting was held in North Pattaya last week to discuss how to raise the standard of the city’s baht bus drivers. Points raised included rudeness, overcharging passengers and bad parking. The drivers said they did these things already but would endeavour do them even better in future. Finally, we’d like to thank the Russians for their recent efforts to make Pattaya a nicer, better and safer place to be, and hope they continue the good work by staying away for many more years to come. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more Tales of the Expected. Game on. The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres. A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht in Soi 6 by giving him a note he later realised to be play money (he must have had a monopoly in the area.) Acting on the man’s description, police went to Walking Street and arrested everybody in Soi 16. Speaking of sausage vendors, two ladyboys are being sought by police after a Russian tour guide alleged they slashed him with a knife after he caught them nicking money and electronic gadgets from his hotel room following a spot of rumpo. Police told him they’d got better things to do than investigate complaints from dipshit commie benders but a low priority investigation is nonetheless believed to be under way. This was apparently spotted by a tourist in Pattaya. Wonder where he got the paint from? In preparation for the rainy season, Pattaya officials are heading up a community project to alleviate some of the problems and have already assisted in the clearing of a 500 metre drain pipe that was blocked with garbage, used condoms, dead Russians and that kind of stuff. They also tried a practice flood clearance using community workers with buckets but this was abandoned after it was noticed that the participants were emptying their full buckets down the drains. Police are looking for a Thai bloke after he allegedly stole 50,000 baht from a North Pattaya food vendor. 50,000 baht? Christ, his food must be bloody expensive. The Workability Asia conference 2015 was held in the Pattaya Hilton on July 8-10 where the main theme was the spotlighting of disabled people in Asia. The idea has now been abandoned as disabled people said they didn’t like being fitted with spotlights. Ungrateful bastards. The growing number of Middle Eastern tourists has prompted Pattaya to introduce parking spaces for magic carpets… A bit more bar news this month, starting with the closure of Maxine’s Club on Soi Diamond . Barely gave the paint time to dry on that one before shutting up shop. It’s now up for sale for two million baht (but to you, one and a half). Climax has opened on the old Funhouse site but is more like the previous incarnation, Club Blu. That old time favourite Hot and Cold is resurfacing as Shonky’s Bar, so it might be worth sticking your nose in. Roxy has disappeared from Walking Street. No surprise there. Eclipse seems to have been replaced by Fairies Club which, despite its name, has no connection with Queen Club or Iron Club. Who comes up these names? If they open a gay place they’ll probably call it Butch Club. Well they won’t be able to call it Tomboy Club, as that’s the new name of Tiger Club, presumably renamed just to remove any lingering doubts as to the orientation of the clientele. Living Dolls One has reopened after a refurb, which seems to have consisted entirely of ripping out fittings and throwing them away. And there’s yet another Go Go opening in the LK Metro area. It’s apparently targeting Japanese tourists and is called Zero A Go Go. That should go down well with the Americans. Bet they won’t be serving B52s. That old mongers’ retirement home, Bamboo Bar, has shocked its elderly clientele by raising toilet charges from a reasonable 3 baht to an outrageous 5 baht. That’s a 67 per cent increase. They used to be free once upon a time, but too many girls from Beach Road were coming in just to use the facilities. A girl who did this was known as a See Free Pee Hoe. Good for a quick Hand Solo, no doubt. Just digressing for a moment, but has anybody noticed that Yoda is the spitting image of former British Prime Minister Harold Wilson? Nong Nooch is reported to be taking on extra staff to cope with the growing problem of rogue elephant droppings… A tour boat captain found himself in hot water after he crashed his two tier vessel into Pattaya Beach, scattering tourists in all directions. The boat remained there for three hours with its engine running until police arrived at the scene. They arrested the man but were unable to obtain a statement as he was so pissed he couldn’t even talk. He has since had his license revoked and is believed to working as a tour bus driver. The annual Pattaya Marathon was held a couple of weeks ago and, as usual, was a walkover for the Kenyan athletes who took all the top places. However, when they crossed the finishing line they carried on running and were last seen heading for the entrance to the Channel Tunnel in Calais. Finally, local immigration officials have been taking lessons on how to better identify foreign criminals. They were told to look out for criminals who aren’t Thais. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to the latest lot of tall tales from the Land of Cheesy Grins. As has been well publicised, 808 Discotheque was raided by the police and the army after photos allegedly showing a girl giving a Korean bloke a blowjob went viral on Facebook. Absolute nonsense. The bloke had lost a button from his flies and the girl very kindly offered to sew it back on for him while he stood at the bar. The photos were taken just as she was biting off the cotton. Honestly, some people have such dirty minds. Some questions do arise from this incident though. Like why the fuck was the army involved? And why do Koreans come to Pattaya for sex when the girls are all pissing off to Korea? Anyway, the place has been closed for 10 days and the couple involved in the incident are to be charged with public indecency, according to senior police officer Superintendent Sukthat. No shit, that really is his name. Definitely the man for the (blow)job. A lady from Laos turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other Saturday morning to report that a Burmese bloke she’d ‘befriended’ on Beach Road and accompanied to a motel had pissed off without paying her the 2000 baht he’d promised to pay for her ‘befriendship’ and his mate had nicked her iPhone into the bargain. The two men were later apprehended on Soi Stinkingpigland 2 and banged up for the duration. Now some people have been saying that this guy was an over payer. Nope, he was a Cheap Charlie, because he ripped her off for twice as much as he would’ve done if he’d only offered her 1000 baht. The more you (don’t) spend, the more you save. A Thai bloke was arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught on CCTV burgling an apartment on Third Road and stealing money, jewellery and a smartphone. When the man was arrested by police on Soi Buakhao, he immediately shat himself and had to be taken back to the police station for a change of clothes. Now that’s a real turd burglar for you. Pattaya was put on a terrorist alert last week after members of Islamic State sneaked up through a manhole and established a six foot square caliphate on Beach Road… The District Licensing Unit has issued an immediate ban on the sale and use of Shisha in Pattaya’s entertainment venues. This presents the authorities with a little dilemma in the case of Shisha bars, inasmuch as if they stop selling Shisha they’re no longer entertainment venues and can therefore start selling it again. Interesting little conundrum. Police and bomb disposal personnel were deployed in South Pattaya the other Monday after three explosive devices were thrown at foreigners. The devices in question were alleged to be a balloon with a pin attached, a Christmas cracker and a neutron bomb. The last of these was thrown into Soi 16, leaving police mystified as to why someone would use a bomb in that area that didn’t destroy property. Passengers had to be rescued from the Koh Larn ferry when it sank last month on the return leg of its trip from Pattaya. The reason for the sinking has yet to be established, though it’s been speculated that it may have hit a piece of stray wreckage from the Koh Larn ferry operated by the same company that sank in 2013. Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Bottom of the barrel, more like. A local metal detector had to be called in last week after a Scotsman lost 10 baht while taking a stroll by the beach… Bar news time, and Las Vegas II has reopened after its refurb though the word is that it still looks exactly the same. That’s Thai workmen for you. Living Dolls 1 has now got the builders in so let’s hope it isn’t the same lot. Dream Club has reopened in its new guise of Maxine’s Club and Gentlemen’s Club has reopened in its new guise of..er..Gentlemen’s Club. And Amethyst has been closed following a police raid, though it seems the army didn’t bother to show up for this one. Perhaps they were washing their hair. It’s been announced that Pattaya’s baht buses are to get a safety upgrade in the form of safety nets, which will be attached to the sides of the vehicles to protect passengers and their valuables. In years to come, people will no doubt tell stories of the days when men were men and rode baht buses without the aid of a safety net. Others will tell stories of how they used to catch fish for a living until some bastards stole their nets and stuck them onto the sides of baht buses to comply with some half-witted piece of legislation. It’s been noticed that since Sainsbury’s supermarkets in the UK have been labelling their prawns as ‘responsibly sourced’ they no longer import them from Thailand. Do you think maybe some Burmese fishermen have been telling tales out of school? Visitors will be pleased to hear that the holes in Pattaya’s walkways have now been invisibly mended… Police found themselves in a tricky situation in South Pattaya last week when investigating reports that a monk had been seen driving a minivan and collecting donations, both of which are prohibited by the code of conduct relating to monks’ behaviour. They found the monk and stopped him, but he refused to leave the vehicle or speak to the officers concerned. After an hour of this standoff, the police had the van complete with monk towed away to Pattaya Police Station where the belligerent cleric finally emerged from the vehicle and was promptly arrested. He was then fined 400 baht for not having a driving licence (which he wasn’t allowed to own) and a further 400 baht for not having a car tax sticker (which he wasn’t allowed to own either). He was then taken to a local temple for a good bollocking from the Abbot and his future status as a monk remains unclear. There’s always one, isn’t there? Motor racing fans might be interested to know that Thailand is rumoured to be renewing its bid to host the FIA Formula E Championship (that’s electric cars, for those who don’t know). Then again, the average fan might think that watching a load of blinged up milk floats driven by a bunch of F1 rejects has got bugger all to do with proper motor racing. And if this is supposed to promote interest in ‘sustainable motoring’, how come they have to change cars halfway through the race because their batteries are fucked? Doesn’t sound very sustainable at all. Best idea would be to kick the whole thing into touch and concentrate on the bid to hold an F1 Grand Prix in Bangkok. There’s nothing like the real thing. Finally, local officials have been crowing about a survey showing that Chinese tourists rate Pattaya as one of their top ten holiday destinations. Sounds impressive - until you read the small print, where you discover that it was actually only voted one of the top ten destinations in Thailand. Given that most Chinese tourists probably couldn’t even name ten holiday destinations in Thailand, maybe it’s not such a crowning triumph after all. be seeing you monkeyman

There's a photo of it on the PA forum underneath this same article.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tall tales from Viagra City. On with the show. A street pylon in Central Pattaya suffered a spot of erectile dysfunction the other Monday, causing a spaghetti of cables to collapse in front of a petrol station on Sukhumvit Road. The matter was reported to City Hall who decided on an appropriate course of action, which was to do absolutely bugger all about it, so it’s probably best to avoid that area for the next couple of years. Following alleged complaints from residents and businesses, local police are on the lookout for so-called Boom-Boom Trucks (whatever they are.) Actually, they sound like the ideal vehicles for drive-by snatches (whatever they are.) That old chestnut of the illegal extensions in Walking Street (to buildings, that is) has reared its ugly head yet again, with officials wittering on about them having to be demolished. They admitted that nothing had been done about this situation for the past 15 years, but said that this was how long they normally took to make a decision anyway. See you in 2030 for an update. Rumours abound of an appearance in Pattaya by Simon Cowell as his codpiece is spotted on Beach Road… A press conference was held at a local police station on May 22 to announce the results of a 4 day crime suppression operation undertaken in the area. There were 74 arrests involving drugs, firearms, gambling, theft, a few illegal immigrants - the usual stuff. Well okay, but if they only spend 4 days suppressing crime, what do they do for the other 361 days? Rhetorical question, obviously. The long-awaited installation of new drainage pipes on Beach Road is finally due to begin this month. The pipes will be located near to the entrance of Walking Street, opposite Soi 6/1 and up by the Dusit curve. Contractors carrying out the work have assured City Hall that once the work is completed, tourists on Pattaya’s streets will never again have to wade around up to their waists in water – only up to their knees. It’s not all good news on the renovations front though, as the refilling of Pattaya Beach has been postponed yet again, apparently because they have been unable to find sand that matches the current stuff on the beach. Can’t see what the problem is. All they have to do is get some low grade sand from a building site, mix in liberal quantities of shit, semen, plastic bottles and fast food containers then chuck the whole lot onto the beach. Should be a perfect match. Seems that visiting Pattaya really is a pipe dream… Right, bar news now, what there is of it, and Spicy Girls has fallen by the wayside after a mere 8 months of existence. Oscars didn’t do much better, having closed its doors after only 18 months. Las Vegas II has temporarily closed for renovation and the staff have temporarily relocated to, you guessed it, Las Vegas III. Skyfall has reopened though, after its little big hiccup. A cleaner who works at a Walking Street Go Go Bar was taken to hospital the other Thursday after stabbing herself in the neck with a broken bottle after a row with a neighbour. She was treated at the hospital for her wounds and for mental health issues, where it was suggested to her that should consider asking the Go Go Bar where she works for a new job, as someone who is mentally unstable and prone to carrying out assaults with bottles might be better suited to security work. Seventeen Chinese tourists were injured after their tour bus crashed after skidding in heavy rain while on its way to Pattaya. It is believed that several of the injured parties were crammed in the toilet at the time of the crash, though it has yet to be established whether this was due to the coach being overbooked or whether the Chinese really do like doing everything together. Just for the record, the crash is being referred to as the Pong Bus Accident because of the district in which it took place and has nothing to do with either the surnames of the passengers or the fact that many of them may have shat themselves when the bus skidded off the road. This is India’s answer to the new Lamborghini… In order to help make Pattaya a safer place for tourists, a joint operation took place last Tuesday between the Pattaya Tourist Police and the Chonburi Provincial Police Special Operations Unit (try saying that when you’re pissed) to conduct a raid on two shops on South Pattaya Road selling penis and breast shaped bars of soap. Police are still trying to locate the shop owner, who is to be charged with the heinous crime of selling pornographic soap. Feel safer now? A Thai chappie who reported to police that he’d been attacked and robbed of a gold necklace worth 30,000 baht later confessed that the attack never happened, his injuries were self-inflicted and he’d pawned the necklace to pay off a gambling debt. He was charged with making a false statement to police, who said they had better things to do than waste time on this sort of stuff. Like policing the shape of soap, presumably. Finally, the Prime Minister has requested that the media refrain from publishing stories and articles that portray Thailand in a bad light. So they should presumably avoid mentioning Russians, Chinese, Indians, Arabs, jet ski operators, police, doormen, muggers, druggers, buggers, diddlers, fiddlers, con artists, flashers, pickpockets, gangs, drunk drivers, ladyboys, floods, touts, yabba dealers and so on and so forth. So what does that leave then? Ah yes, cookery. That should do nicely. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s monkey May madness. On with the show. A Chinese couple spent five hours at sea the other weekend after their jet ski broke down shortly after they left Koh Larn. They were eventually spotted by some fishermen and returned to dry land where they were presented with a bill for 30,000 baht for extra rental charges, another 30,000 baht for breaking the jet ski’s engine and a further 30,000 baht for a 2mm scratch on the hull. They’re currently trying to sell their house to pay the bill. Emergency services were called to Walking Street last week after a fire was reported in an Iranian restaurant. The cause of the conflagration has yet to be established, though it is rumoured that a group of local food critics may be responsible. The critics refused to comment except to describe the food in the establishment as “the only thing in the place that smells worse than the chef”. An Iranian and a Thai bird were injured after a fight with another Iranian at the ironically named Friends Bar on Soi Stinking Pig (Soi 16) early the other Monday morning. Police are still investigating the cause of the fight. Wonder if it had anything to do with setting fire to a restaurant? This is a still from the new Pattaya based biker movie ‘Queasy Rider’… A Burmese factory worker met his demise last week after he fell into a meat grinder. Unfortunately, the police misunderstood when they were informed that a man had been killed by a meat grinder and arrested all the girls in Soi 6. When a factory worker explained to the arresting officer that they were actually talking about a mincing machine, police went to Beach Road and arrested all the ladyboys. Navy and Immigration officials boarded a Thai fishing boat last weekend after reports of illegal workers on board the vessel. The boat’s owner, a Mr Sukkona Krabsdik, said the Burmese crew all had work visas but was unable to produce any documentation to support his story. The crew are currently being held in custody and the fish have been deported – well, most of them anyway. The snooker-mad Thais seem to have been less than impressed with the line-up for this year’s Snooker World Championship final. Instead of seeing their superstar idols like ‘Lonnie O’Surrivan’ and ‘Judd Tlump’, they were forced to put up with what they described as ‘a couple of fifth-rate cloth rippers’. Fair point – if that’s what they wanted to watch they could go see their home-grown players. Funny thing is, it wasn’t there after we sobered up… Bar news now, and we start with the closure of both Dream Club and Gentlemen’s Club. Don’t know why we started with that, as nobody actually gives a shit. More importantly, Private Dancer has closed and been replaced by a blast from the past, Club Electric Blue. Seems the opening night didn’t go too well though, as reports appear to indicate the place was full of brown hatters. Eclipse did indeed live up its name and went dark after an indecently short life. And Tiger Club has reopened, but don’t set foot in the place unless your name’s Tom as it’s got more dykes than Holland. A Traffic Police Volunteer was arrested by police in Jomtien in the wee hours of last Monday after he had an altercation with a house owner during a drinking session in the man’s house. The house owner apparently took offence after the Police Volunteer insinuated that he might have something in common with Gary Glitter and Jimmy Savile, so to speak. Anyway, a punch-up ensued, police were called, and the uniformed volunteer was carted off to the local nick where he was found to be pissed as a fart. The selection board for these Traffic Police Volunteers must truly be a thing of great wonder. The routes to Pattaya were even more gridlocked than usual last weekend as Thais flocked to the city to celebrate Labor Day. Having observed the proceedings, one can only conclude that in the Thai language ‘labor’ means ‘get pissed as a rat and fall into the road’. We asked “What will this be when it’s finished?” We were told “It is finished”… In a surprising development, police rounded up all the ladyboys on Walking Street a few nights ago. Yes, it is a surprising development. They usually confine their activities to Beach Road. Hmmm. Locals have made a complaint about a misspelt road sign on Pattaya Road which reads “Pattaya Kiang”. A villager remarked “This sort of stupid mistake makes our city iook like a ioad of ciap”. Finally, it’s been announced that Pattaya police are to be given training in human trafficking. One officer remarked that it looked like a promising career but he could still make more cash from foreigners by staying in the police force. be seeing you monkeyman

Saw Adam Ant play the other night. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWESOME. Here's a bit of it. The track is "Beat My Guest". Enjoy.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, an Easter showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to more unlikely happenings from the Land of the Rising Cock. A ladyboy was arrested the other week after he attacked a Polish woman with his shoe in Walking Street. Police initially arrested a shoe shine boy for the assault because they were led to believe that a boy had attacked a lady with his shoe polish. That’s what happens when a Pole tries to report a crime to a Thai in English. A park and helipad on Pratamnak Hill has been forced to close at night following a series of assaults and rapes of Thai and foreign couples who had gone there to enjoy the scenery during the wee hours. Bad news for joggers, doggers and choppers. Police and local officials have been cleaning up Walking Street, though mercifully only with detergent and brooms, in an effort to make the place more presentable for the Colours of the East festival that was held recently to promote tourism in the area. Not sure what colour represents Pattaya. Red or blue perhaps. It ain’t green, that’s for sure. Pattaya is promoting greener forms of transport though… Police are carrying out investigations at a rifle range in Phuket after a British tourist shot himself in the head. Makes a change – if the ‘Bangkok Airport’ TV series is to believed, most Brits end up shooting themselves in the foot. There was a very similar incident in Jomtien about three years ago where police said the bloke offed himself on his third visit to the shooting range. He must have been a seriously lousy shot. Yet another Indian quality tourist has been assaulted on Beach Road and robbed of his cash, in this case 50,000 baht and 2500 dollars. Well that’s what he told the police anyway, at which point they told him he was a stinking pig and slung him out of the station for wasting their time. The insurance companies’ staff must piss themselves laughing when they read some of these reports. The Pattaya Music Festival was something of a break from tradition this year, as nobody seems to have been shot or had their head kicked in during the entire proceedings. In fact, the only musical mayhem reported during the period was on St Patrick’s Day when notorious Irish band Pick A Window were involved in a punch-up at a local bar following a religious difference of opinion between their harpist who was half pissed a monk who was drunk. The monk had apparently caused offence by referring to St Patrick as “an ignorant red-faced mick”. Then the support band Dregs Of Humanity and most of the patrons got involved and all hell broke loose. The police duly arrived and arrested the whole motley crew, who were held in custody until their court appearance on April 1. A likely story. Looks like Batman’s gone for a swim… Time for a bit of bar news, and we start with the loss of another old Pattaya institution, Diamond A Go Go, which has finally closed its doors. Okay, the place may have been a load of old crap in recent years, but who can forget those amazing dance contests they used to hold in better days? We may never see the like again. However, the balance in the area has been restored a bit with the return of Supergirl under new management. Coyote Club on Walking Street is now Eclipse so expect it to live up to its name and go dark in the not too distant future. On the upside, it is a proper Go Go so hopefully it will endure. Skyfall has been temporarily closed for ‘staff retraining’ after a fracas during which one of their doormen assaulted a Pole with a pole. Bet he’s glad he doesn’t come from Grenada. It was reported last week that a bunch of wild pigs and stray dogs were living together in South Pattaya on a dumping ground for garbage. Must have been talking about Soi 16. Police took a trip down to Pattaya Beach on Monday night last week to search for any people who looked like they might be ‘undesirables’. Quite a challenge. Perhaps on their next trip they could try searching a temple for Buddhists. Three drive-by snatches were reported to police in the space of only two hours early the other Thursday morning. Does anybody know what a drive-by snatch is? Could it be something like this but selling something more interesting than alcohol?... Naval ordinance specialists were summoned to a local construction site last week after an unexploded mortar shell was discovered by building workers. The shell, which was reckoned to be at least ten years old, is being held by police until its owner can be found so he can take it back to the vendor and exchange it for one that works. There was motoring mayhem in Pattaya last Sunday when an American woman went berserk behind the wheel and wrecked 13 vehicles before police shot out her tyres and arrested her. The woman’s claim that she was training to be a baht bus driver was ignored and she was ordered to pay a heavy fine plus full damages and medical expenses to all injured parties. She’ll need an awful lot of fares when she gets her baht bus to pay that load off. Silly cow. It’s army conscript time again and with it comes the annual debacle of sorting out the katoeys who’ve fallen foul of the draft lottery, declaring them to be mentally ill and sending them back home. Don’t know why they can’t join the army. Reckon they’ve got the balls for it. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s strangely penis oriented edition. Well, the BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’ has finally ended, so the whole world can now sleep safe in the knowledge that all the airport staff are shiny, happy people and all the passengers are potless, half-witted dickheads (for those of you not familiar with the BBC, it’s a British state-sponsored paedophile ring.) Police are investigating after a boatman was attacked and stabbed in the neck on Beach Road near to Soi 12. The motive for the attack remains unclear, but the police believe it to be an attempted mugging so are treating it as a case of boatman and robbin’. A small group of 33 Chinese tourists were thrown into a panic the other Friday after being abandoned by their tour guide in the early hours of the morning. The guide was apparently hacked off because some of the tour group refused her demand for an extra payment of 6900 baht each on top of the 12000 baht they’d already paid for their package holidays (real high flyers, this lot). Members of the group could still be seen bouncing off walls several hours after the incident trying to find their way back home. With quality tourists like this and the drive-by shooting the previous day, Pattaya’s tourism problems are all but over. Pattaya Road Safety Society is having its anniversary party next week. Just look out for this sign on the car park… A Cambodian pork ball vendor ended up in hospital a couple of Thursdays ago after an altercation with some Thai workers. The men then made off with his stock, rendering him a gastronomic eunuch, so to speak. Perhaps he should get up to Sunee Plaza and give pork swords a try. The army did a shakedown of beach vendors recently after it was reported that they were overcharging for food. Christ, if the British army did that in London restaurants they’d need more soldiers than the Thais used for the military coup. A Belgian man was interviewed by police after he was found walking around Pattaya naked from the waist down and carrying a bottle of sun tan lotion. When questioned by police officers, the man said he was looking for Dongtan. Police intensify their investigations after another wheelie bin is found murdered on Pattaya Beach … Bar news now, and we start with the closure of Coyote Club on Walking Street. No great surprise there as most nights it had about as many people showing up as the Malaysia Airlines Frequent Flyers Club. Also currently closed in the Walking St area are Tiger A Go Go and Pe Pe Club, and both look to be permanent. Valentine’s Day saw the opening of Lek A Go Go on 2nd Road, presumably at the expense of Lek’s Classroom on Soi 2 which has now gone dark. Club Malibu on LK Metro has departed and is rumoured to become part of Champagne A Go Go next door. Showgirls is up for sale, though the long awaited Kaos A Go Go has finally opened its doors to help restore the numbers. The body of a man was found floating face-down of the shore of Koh Larn late last week. Police said the man’s nationality hadn’t been confirmed, but as his penis was less than an inch long they assumed him to be Japanese. Coincidentally, another bloke was found drowned on the very same day in a lake in East Pattaya. A police spokesman said “The man was carrying ID that confirmed his nationality so we didn’t have to measure his dick.” Pattaya archaeologists have unearthed a fascinating new site which they have christened ‘Robin Gibb’s Teeth’. The Tourist Authority of Thailand is hoping to offset the decline in foreign visitors by offering discounts of 20-50 percent for Thais staying in Pattaya hotels. So next time you have a lady stay in your room overnight, don’t forget to claim your refund from the hotel the next morning. Local officials have strenuously denied claims by police that only one percent of the 1,470 CCTV cameras in Pattaya are actually operational. However, they added that they had a new maintenance strategy in place and hoped to get up to this figure by the end of the year. Finally, they say that when farangs come to Pattaya they have their brains in their dicks. If that’s true, most of them must have seriously small dicks. be seeing you monkeyman

It does if you use the Muslim Prayer Room the right way.

I think we all found that out the first time we gave a 20 baht note to a baht bus driver...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to another month in paradise - and all the other Go Go Bars too. Away. Police were called to a South Pattaya Go Kart track after reports of a punch up between Thai staff and some Kuwaiti nationals following an argument about the quality of the vehicles provided for hire. The Kuwaitis demanded arrests and a full apology, telling police that this was no way to treat distinguished foreign visitors. The police agreed, but added that this was exactly the way to treat ignorant loud mouthed stinking pigs and told them to bugger off. One of the ways the Thai government is exploring to increase tourism is apparently to promote what they call ‘water tourism’. Some bars have already embraced the concept by watering down their beer and putting on more shower shows. Fun City has a new hero – The Pattaya Flasher. The young rascal in question is a Thai lad who stopped his motorbike behind a clinic in Central Pattaya and exposed his dong to bemused staff before pulling off. Then after he’d pulled off, he rode away, leaving the surprised onlookers to do what any right-minded citizen would do - post photos of his genitalia on Facebook. Police suspect he may be the same chap who stole some women’s underwear from a washing line (didn’t Pink Floyd write a song about this in the 60s?) and then went on a flashing spree back in September. The photos of the latest incident were confiscated by police and can now be purchased from any moderately disreputable street vendor. Latest update is that the police have a suspect in custody. The identity parade could prove to be interesting. Beach Road was busy the other week when the local tourist organisation put on a Fancy Dress Party for Chinese tourists… The Tourism Authority of Thailand held a New Year party to thank the media and local businesses for promoting its work and helping it to stay right at the front of the Pattaya social scene. The party took place on January 13. It was Gunfight At The OK Cholchan a couple of weeks back when a punch up between Chinese tour guides in the restaurant next to the hotel spilled out into the street and turned into a full scale shootout in which a Chinese tourist had a gun held to his head. This led to what was described as “more than 20 Chinese tourists” (so it was probably about 100) immediately checking out of the hotel and fleeing for their lives. At this rate we could be rid of the Chinese from Pattaya even more quickly than the Russians. Why are there all those big signs over the roads with Ban Chang on them? If people don’t like the stuff they don’t have to drink it. Pattaya has launched its very own MP3 player though they seem to have some minor miniaturisation issues to iron out… Bar news now, and the long awaited Skyfall has fallen upon us with lots of swish décor but a lamentable lack of naughty bits on show. Hopefully, adjustments will be made at the appropriate juncture. One of the oldest established bars in Pattaya, Supergirl, finally bit the dust and the staff transferred to sister bar Superbaby. However, it’s already been announced that the place it to reopen under new management so it seems that the Yellow Peril can sleep easy in their beds. Some of you will no doubt have got to see the new BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’, which shows the self-proclaimed ‘Airport of Smiles’ to be full of happy, smiley, helpful staff who love their jobs and their passengers. After witnessing the first few episodes of this compelling little series, one has to marvel at how they managed to keep the usual bunch of miserable, surly, po-faced individuals that man the airport out of the way of the cameras for such a long period of time. A meeting was held last week between Pattaya local officials and the Tourism Committee to discuss how to deal with the downturn in tourism. Various options were discussed, after which they decided to ramp up the bar raids and arrest everybody on Beach Road. Job done. The winner of the Pattaya Invention of the Year competition is this handy portable urinal… There have recently been several reports about extensive alcohol abuse in Pattaya but our research shows this to be untrue as people only seem to be using it for the purpose for which it was intended. Authorities are investigating reports that sexual activity has been taking place on a beach in North Pattaya. A spokesman said this was clearly unacceptable and people should confine such behaviour to appropriate locations, like on top of a table in a Go Go Bar. A 52 year old monk has been de-monked and arrested after being accused of having naughties with his 10 year old stepdaughter. In his defence, the man said the whole thing was a mistake that happened after the Chief Abbot told him he had a ‘glittering' career ahead of him. He was told he could expect to spend a long time in Savile Row, but would be making another mistake if he thought it was going to be the one in London. Suit you sir? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for sticking with us for yet another year, and welcome to our latest montage of mayhem in the City of Silly Smirks. Here we go again. The Royal Thai Police have finally ended the passport carrying debate by announcing that anyone asked to produce their passport can do so at a later time, therefore you don’t have to carry either the original or a copy with you. So that’s the end of that then. Well it isn’t actually, because the Legal and Justice Reform Committee have just recommended that the Royal Thai Police should be dissolved. They’ll need one hell of a glass of water to do that. The Immigration Police have also been in the news with their festive mission statement, in which they vowed to protect tourists and suppress crimes, especially those committed by foreign nationals. Guess the Thai criminals must have been complaining about the competition. No less than 16 monks were arrested the other Sunday after police received a tip off that they had been receiving offerings from the public then selling them on to food vendors and pocketing the cash. The Chief Abbot later gave them all a good bollocking, warning them that any repetition of this appalling behaviour would result in them being immediately de-monked. Good job he didn’t find out they spent all the cash in Walking Street Go Go Bars. We’ve finally found a use for those Chinese tour groups. When you’re crossing a busy road, you can use them as a crumple zone… The Pattaya Countdown Festival was its usual fun-filled self, with the attendees being treated to a lively mixture of music, fireworks, guns and grenades. A 17 year old Thai lad, who cannot be named for legal reasons (and because we don’t know his name) was shot while riding his motorbike away from the event, and a couple of motorbike gangs also leaving the festival decided to settle their differences by throwing hand grenades at each other. Wonder what they’ll come up with next year. Air strikes? Another Pattaya doorman got himself into hot water on Christmas Day, this time for hurling abuse at a Royal Thai Police Officer and then assaulting him (they sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t they?) The altercation happened when police attended a disturbance at one of the stinking pig clubs on Soi 16 and the officer attempted to enter the premises to investigate the incident. In his defence, the doorman said he didn’t realise that the man was a police officer as he wasn’t wearing the standard uniform. The police charged him with assault anyway, explaining that the officer was on a plain clothes operation and that was why he was wearing a tutu. In preparation for the New Year festivities, fire inspections were carried out at entertainment venues around Pattaya to make sure that everything was safe for the anticipated stampede of inebriated partygoers. The Chief Fire Officer later said he was satisfied that everything was in order as they hadn’t found a single fire in any of the venues they visited. He added that if the punters were as pissed up as usual they’d probably be suitably equipped to put out any fires on their own. Pattaya’s first moon shot sadly ended in failure… Very little to report in the first bar news of the year. We’re still waiting for the opening of Skyfall on Walking Street. If they don’t get it open soon, they might have to rename it Spectre. Looks like the Dream is over on Soi Diamond as the Go Go answering to that name appears to have closed. Quiet times indeed. Police raided a store in Naklua on December 30 and seized a huge quantity of fireworks after reports that the business was selling them in contravention of the local law forbidding such sales during the New Year period. A local gang leader commented “Looks like it’s back to the grenades then.” A Swiss tourist was given a good kicking by three street vendors last week after he allegedly refused to buy a souvenir from them. Police are trying to trace the men though the only evidence they have uncovered is a large metal Buddha that was retrieved from the victim’s rectum by doctors shortly after the assault took place. So he got his souvenir after all then. Looks like Roy Scheider couldn’t make it again… Pattaya has got enough water to last it for the whole of this year, according to an Irrigation Department official, who added “All we have to do now is figure out how to get it off the roads and into the reservoirs.” More than half of the road accidents in Thailand on New Year’s Day were caused by drunken drivers, according to the Public Health Minister. He then sang three choruses of ‘Knees Up Mother Brown’ and was sick in a bucket. Finally, a Cambodian chap died last week after eating some chicken pieces he’d bought from a street vendor in Jomtien. He’d just finished the last piece when he was run over by a bus. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, Jingle Balls to one and all, and welcome to a selection of festive faux pas from Fun City. Fire Units were summoned to South Pattaya the other Monday after a water purification store caught fire, allegedly causing a million baht’s worth of damage to the premises and stock. This raised a number of questions, like the stock is water, so how could it be damaged? And why didn’t the water put out the fire? Anyway, the owner put on a brave face, saying that at least the remaining water was now pure as it had been boiled by the fire. Typical Thai. When all seems lost, play the mindless optimism card. Following the recent flood pump fiasco, Pattaya officials consulted an expert who told them that the only effective solution to the city’s perennial flooding problem is to install bigger drainage pipes. However, they were concerned that this could be prohibitively expensive, so they’ve decided to implement a variation on the plan. They’re going to replace the baht buses with jet skis. An Australian teacher was taught a lesson after he invited a couple of pay as you go girlfriends for pizza and beer prior to a session of horizontal bonding. It seems that when the hapless digger went out the back to splash his boots, his beer was spiked with alcohol and he was dragged back to his room and robbed. Strangely, although his money was stolen, a single 20 baht note was left next to his bed. Suppose it must have been a tip. Bet he gets more than 50 lines from the Headmaster when he goes back to school. Silly bugger. This is Pattaya’s signature dish. You can get it just about anywhere… And now, a multicultural tale. A Chinese TV presenter holidaying in Pattaya made a report to the police after her Korean made smartphone was allegedly stolen by a Burmese pancake vendor. The vendor initially denied the charge but decided to reconsider his plea when the phone was found concealed on a shelf in his cart. Checks revealed him to be an illegal immigrant and he is expected to be deported to Guantanamo Bay shortly, along with the TV presenter and the food cart. And the phone? It’s probably already on ebay. Ten Russians and two Thais were injured in a road crash in Jomtien early last week. When questioned by police, they all agreed that, with the benefit of hindsight, they should have hired a baht bus instead of a motorbike taxi. An elderly fellow didn’t get his happy ending when he died from natural causes while having a massage at a place on Soi Buakhao. Still, he’s one bloke who could truly be described as a die hard. People who turned up on Beach Road for a concert by The Police were somewhat surprised when they were confronted by this. Not quite what they expected and definitely a sting – or not, depending on how you look at it… Time for bar news, and music lovers will be no doubt be revelling in the reopening of The Blues Factory, complete with Lam Morrison. Rhino Club has reverted to being a Go Go and has also reverted to being closed, presumably as a result of the little ‘visit’ they had the other evening. Tiger A Go Go has reopened but work on Skyfall seems to have stalled. The Cave has opened on LK Metro, continuing the trend started by Spicy Girls of reviving old bar names then reviving old bar girls to work in them. Officials visited a funfair on Naklua Road the other Wednesday after reports that gambling was taking place on the site. No gambling games were found, but a stall at which customers were throwing darts at balloons was closed down as it was deemed to be a form of gambling. The stall owner, a Mr Yuslas Sakkashit, said he didn’t realise this was illegal and he felt a bit of a prick, which was later confirmed when a stray dart was found to be lodged in his left buttock. With all the hullabaloo about drugs being imported into Thailand, you might be surprised to hear that someone’s just been busted for sending drugs OUT of the country. A Russian bloke was arrested in Pattaya last Tuesday for buying steroids from a Thai dealer and exporting them to Russia. Bet they wouldn’t have been so keen to catch him if he’d been exporting yabba. Still, the Russian’s going to be deported, so some good’s come out of it. A major excavating operation swung into action on Beach Road last week after a Scotsman lost 10 baht down a drain… An Indian quality tourist was arrested by police after his hired jet-ski hit a swimmer then left the water and hit a holidaymaker sitting in a deckchair on the beach. A police spokesman said they appreciated that the episode was just an unfortunate accident and the man didn’t mean to do any harm, so the best course of action would be to “string the stinking pig up from the nearest lamp post.” Damage to the jet-ski was estimated by the owner to be around six million baht. A female student called the police last Monday to report that she’d been sexually assaulted by a man in the Plu Ta Luang area the previous Friday night. When asked why it took her so long to report the crime, she told police she didn’t realise she’d been sexually assaulted until she discovered the man had given her forged banknotes. Pattaya, along with four other cities, has been earmarked by the Tourism Ministry to be rebranded and developed as a quality destination that will be attractive to high spending tourists and families – as long as they don’t mind the shootings, muggings, drugs and prostitution, presumably. Those of us with even not so long memories will no doubt recall that this was tried a few years back and resulted in the city being swamped by hordes of ignorant, penniless, foul smelling dregs from the cesspits of Asia. Einstein reportedly once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I doubt if the Tourism Ministry would be interested in his deliberations though – they probably think he was The Beatles’ manager. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to the month when everybody celebrates Roy Clattong, whoever he is. New Martial Law tourism directives have been issued to maintain peace and order in the Land of Smirks. To ensure good behaviour, all tourists visiting Go Go Bars must now be accompanied by a monk. Initial reaction to the ruling has been somewhat negative from bar owners and tourists, but rather more positive from monks. The new regime has also come up with another idea to protect tourists - making them wear identity tags. What with that and armed troops swarming all over the tourist beaches, you may as well save yourself some money and go to Auschwitz instead. Only 159 GBP for three days and no Indian tailors. You know it makes sense. The Thai PM has declared that visitors to Thailand should be screened to ensure that only quality tourists should be allowed to enter the country. There is apparently concern that a lot of penniless foul-smelling dregs from the cesspits of the world have been allowed into the country just because they’ve managed to get hold of a European, American or Australian passport. It is hoped that the installation of a new device known as a stinkingpigometer at the major airports will detect those of dubious ethnicity. Pattaya has taken another step down the route of being family friendly with the imminent opening of Disney A Go Go. Here’s a sneak preview of part of the girls’ outfits… An army officer from Kuwait claimed he was seriously assaulted at a Go Go Bar after he complained about the lack of nudity and sex shows. He and his companions had allegedly paid 500 baht each to a Thai man in Walking Street who promised they could see sexy shows in the bar. When he entered the bar and saw neither naked girls nor lewd shows, he complained to one of the bar’s ‘customer relations representatives’ who dealt with the matter in the time honoured fashion by punching him in the face, stabbing him in the arm and then putting the boot in with the help of a few of his colleagues. Police were then called, following which a staff member was arrested, the punter was taken to hospital and the bar was closed. So the bar was effectively closed for having no nudity or lewd shows. We may be breaking new ground here. The incident is said to have tarnished the image of Thailand, though it probably hasn’t done the image of Kuwait much good either. Wonder how chummie will explain this little episode to his CO and his Imam? Following a tip off, an apartment in Central Pattaya was raided the other Thursday and a number of people were arrested for playing the illegal gambling game Hi-Low. Given the current shortage of police officers, some have questioned whether they should be bothering with stuff like this when they could be investigating more important crimes. Like 40 year old sex abuse allegations against dead celebrities. Suspicions that gambling dens have been operating under the noses of the boys in brown were confirmed last week when a poker school was discovered in a police officer’s moustache. These new pumps were installed a few weeks ago to stop the flooding on Beach Road. They were last seen floating down Walking Street after the Halloween rainstorm. Bar news time, and the recently opened Spicy Girls has been closed for 60 days following a nasty outbreak of stinking pig. Sister bar Champion has also closed. On Soi 16, Pe Pe has reopened but Moonlight hasn’t. Amethyst on LK Metro was closed for a few days but has reopened now. And we have yet another chrome pole palace preparing to emerge on Walking Street in the shape of Skyfall A Go Go. If size really is important, this one should be a winner. A new four-lane traffic tunnel is to be constructed in Central Pattaya to help relieve traffic congestion. The project is expected to take 2-3 years to complete and will cost over 837,000,000 million baht. When asked about the effects of the rainy season on this exciting new project, a representative said it wasn’t their problem and tunnel users would have to provide their own scuba gear. It’s been reported that some Go Go’s have been trialling a new idea to attract certain ethnic groups into their bars. Apparently, the punter pays 500 baht to a man in the street who then takes him into the bar and punches him in the face. Doesn’t sound like a winner to be honest. Can’t imagine where they got the idea from. Presumably they dig a hole for the low voltage ones… The police have been instructed by the new regime to take a tougher line on drink-driving, so visitors would be well advised to keep their imbibing in check if they’re planning to take to the local highways. They also took the opportunity to remind drivers that the drink-drive limit was recently reduced to 30 bottles of beer, two bottles of whisky and a gallon of paint stripper. Bloody nanny state. In an effort to combat crime in Pattaya, yet more CCTV cameras are to be installed in places around the city deemed to be crime hotspots. Big Buddha is watching you. Despite the rainy season being officially over, it continues to piss down, so make sure you’re armed with an umbrella before going out into the great wide open. These are readily available from street vendors or from your local Nohab Convenience Store. They’re usually to be found between the Thaksin Shinawatra dartboards and the Tom Jones comedy testicles. be seeing you monkeyman