monkeyman

My Cousin Vinny

The old Angelwitch link...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more barmy banter from the pits of Patts. Lock me in and throw the key away. An investigation into allegations that fake police have been extorting money from people for possession of E-cigarettes has been halted after it was discovered that the police carrying out the investigation were fake as well - as were the police who made the discovery. Things are rarely what they seem in Pattaya. Pattaya officials have now installed a sign at the Tien Beach Bridge on Koh Larn to warn people of its imminent collapse. Unfortunately, they seem to have forgotten to translate it into Chinese. Pattaya rubbish collectors have been given spiffy new uniforms in an attempt to give them a more professional image. They’ve also been given training in rubbish recognition after several instances of alleged quality tourists being thrown into the back of their trucks. Pattaya has many unusual and exotic attractions on offer for the delight of tourists, such as this fossilised dinosaur shit… Pattaya’s annual Miss Tiffany Universe Contest took place a few weeks ago and was once again won by a poof in a frock. So what happened to diversity then? Thailand’s Tourist Board is reportedly considering ending the controversial dual pricing system that is used by many of the country’s attractions. A spokesman said it might help deflect accusations of racism if stinking foreign pigs were charged the same as Thai nationals. Following complaints by South Pattaya residents of traffic congestion caused by a police checkpoint at the Sophon Market Intersection, the police have agreed to relocate the checkpoint and thus remove the problem. They plan to move it to the south end of Beach Road next to the entrance of Walking Street as “traffic congestion has never been a problem there.” A Pattaya motorcycle dealer has produced this Peter Fonda tribute bike called ‘Queasy Rider’… Bar news now, and the bars are dropping even faster than the tourists’ currency at the moment. Lighthouse and Party Girlz have both closed, the latter after only six weeks, though it fared rather better than Super Model, which didn’t even last six days. Yes A Go Go has also gone, and is rumoured to be reopening as a boys bar for ladies. Wonder what the feminists will make of that? Even Club Oasis has closed, though it’s hard to imagine that anybody gives a shit, and anyway the word is that it’ll reopen shortly after a much needed refurb. On the upside, Bypass has already reopened as Moon and Beavers is up and running in place of Babydolls. We also have a brand new Go Go called Dolls open on Walking Street next door to the ill-fated Super Model. And last but not least, Scooters at Secrets is reopening on September 1. Great stuff. The King had his 67th birthday on July 28. Happy birthday Your Majesty (c’mon, you weren’t really expecting a joke, were you?) Back to the good old days with a pair of yarns from Monkeywatch in August 2009, including the original ‘stinking pig’ story. Whoever that Thai girl was, thanks for the inspiration… “An Iranian couple were arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught shagging on Pattaya Beach just yards from the police station. The man told police that he thought such behaviour was acceptable in Pattaya, which was also the reason why he'd pissed in the arresting officer's hat. Some Thai girls were walking up Soi 3 the other day when a group of swarthy looking dudes came walking down past them. One of them said something to the girls, to which he got the reply "Stinking Arab pig!" The man, obviously very offended by this remark, shouted back “Not stinking Arab pig, stinking INDIAN pig!" Nice of him to take the time to correct her.” An enterprising little Pattaya company called Stinking Pigs ‘R’ Us is currently marketing these self-build illegal immigrant rafts. We understand they also sell torpedoes… A huge fountain was created in East Pattaya last week following the failure of a large water pipe. Repair crews were initially dispatched but were recalled after someone decided that a more economical solution would be to leave it as it is and not bother to repair the broken fountain at Bali Hai Pier. Whoever came up with that idea is undoubtedly destined for greatness in Pattaya’s corridors of power. South Pattaya residents have been complaining again, this time about a foul smelling black liquid that’s been pervading the area. They were told to stop moaning as Irish tourists never complain and they have to drink the bloody stuff. A Chinese chappie has been arrested after being caught trying to respray Pattaya with graffiti possibly related to the troubles in Hong Kong. Police have now employed a proper Chinese translator to check what the slogans actually say following the dismissal of the original Thai translator who seemed to think it had something to do with a hippopotamus and a purple handbag. Finally, the Minister for Tourism has recommended that entertainment venues in various locations including Pattaya should be allowed to open until 4am to increase revenue from tourists. Well it might have worked in times gone by, but nowadays at 4am the majority of tourists are either tucked up in bed or being shipped back to China in wooden boxes. be seeing you monkeyman

Not a snappy dresser like Corbyn then.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying another visit, and welcome to more mayhem from the streets of shame (as in “shame everywhere isn’t like this.”) Off we go. Pattaya is still trying to find a way to solve its flooding problems but thinks it may have come up with the solution – drains. There is a bit more to it, as the plan is to have separate pipes for sewage and storm water, the former going to the sewage treatment plant and the latter directly into the sea. They plan to reinforce this by educating the locals to not chuck flood water down the toilet or shit in the storm drains. The Chonburi Tourist Attraction Association (yes, there really is one) has advised its members that the best way to attract Chinese tourists to Thailand is by online marketing. Members who asked about the best way to stop the little yellow buggers from coming altogether were told to shut the fuck up. Chonburi Immigration has put up a sign outside its Jomtien office outlining the dress code for foreigners visiting its premises. From the look of the pictures on the sign, just about all normal daily clothing is prohibited so you’d better start digging out those tuxedos and ball gowns before your next visit just to be on the safe side. An archaeological dig in North Pattaya has unearthed the remains of a creature thought to be long extinct – the farang tourist… Businesses on Koh Larn have expressed concern about the Tien Beach Bridge, which they reckon is about to collapse. Local authorities have promised to send a few Chinese tour groups across the bridge to test whether it’s safe or not. Hotel guests and their luggage were thrown out onto the street by police in Jomtien a couple of weeks ago when the building was unexpectedly repossessed by debt collectors. “We were treated like stinking pigs” said 95-year-old Bert Shoes, a British citizen and war hero who was staying in the hotel with his wife Gladys. “Where am I going to take my bloody barfines now?” When asked if the guests would get a refund, a hotel representative replied “Well what do you think?” Remember the police chief who was sacked a few weeks ago after local bars were raided by outside forces? Well, his replacement has been sacked – after local bars were raided by outside forces. Do we detect a pattern emerging here? Well the new incumbent clearly does, as he got his retaliation in first by organising some raids on local bars himself. Who’s a clever boy then? He’ll be gone by Christmas. Someone was asking where the Bamboo Bar is. Well, it’s here… A busy bar news this month starting with Babydolls, which has been sold and will soon be rebranded as Beavers. Seems to be a lot of selling and rebranding in that area. Speaking of which, Scooter’s at Secrets has closed for now but is said to be reopening in September in some form or other following further renovations. Nice to hear about a bar being fitted out rather than fitted up. Catwalk also closed, as did Naughty Girls, which has reopened as New Bat but is probably full of old bats. There’s a new Indian club on Walking Street called Bollywood, but it probably won’t be around for long as the people who opened it obviously haven’t managed to grasp the concept that Indians come to Thailand just to get away from places like theirs (seems they may have grasped it now as the place has already shut down.) Glass House has also shut down (they must have been throwing stones) but Bypass looks to be reopening, albeit with a new name. In another classic piece of joined-up government, the Provincial Electricity Authority decided to dig up Central Road without any prior warning on the same weekend as the Pattaya Music Festival. This reportedly led to “bad music festival traffic,” a phrase somewhat open to interpretation. Time for 10 year ago tales now, with a look at a duo of news nibbles from Monkeywatch in July 2009… “Strange tale of the month has to be the German bloke who died on Soi 6 after swallowing his false teeth. Well, it’s got to be a step up from eating German food. Nearly as strange was the Brit who ran into the sea the other Sunday night to avoid paying his bar bill. It didn’t work though, as he was dragged out of the cold water and now he’s in hot water with the police.” The current success of the country’s economy is largely due to the extraordinary diligence and hard work of the Thai people… There’s been another crackdown by police on the trade in laughing gas balloons. During a series of raids, they found two bars to be guilty of balloon trafficking and one bar harbouring a balloon that was under underage. The police were asked to comment, but they either weren’t taking the situation seriously or they’d been inhaling the confiscated stock. Baht bus drivers have been given a ticking off by the head of their association and warned to follow the rules laid out in their code of conduct. This follows a recent incident where a baht bus driver fell asleep at the wheel and crashed into a tailor’s shop, injuring two tourists in the process. Staff in the shop were unharmed, though the owner is suing the driver for smashing his window and crushing his dickie. The police, in their infinite wisdom, have vowed to make zebra crossings in Pattaya safe for us all. Actually, zebra crossings have always been safe - it’s the people who use them that get killed on a regular basis. The downside of all this malarkey is that they’re also talking about enforcing the jaywalking laws, which means if you’re caught crossing the road anywhere other than a designated place you’ll be fined and made to cross the road at a zebra crossing – where you’ll be mown down by a baht bus. Following reports that a Thai woman has been arrested for stealing 130,000 baht from holidaymakers in Pattaya, police confirm that the money has been recovered and they are now trying to trace the 130,000 Chinese tourists who had their holiday money stolen. Finally, a man was arrested by police in Jomtien after being seen jogging naked along the beach road. When questioned, the man said he was just trying to get a Dongtan. be seeing you monkeyman

Apologies to "Confused". This was a sequel to post #2.

Selfish brown swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs with EVA Air(?)

Strike over. Flights resume July 10. Full service by the end of the month.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to our latest update from the City of You Couldn’t Make It Up. Here we go. The much publicised Pattaya International Fireworks Festival at the end of last month didn’t go quite according to plan. Well it did for a couple of minutes, then it started pissing down and everybody buggered off home. It did eventually recommence a couple of hours later, when it was watched by two passers-by and a small dog. For music lovers there was also a rock band playing, featuring a vocalist who sounded like a cat sliding down a blackboard. Another event with roaring success written all over it. This was followed a few days later by the Thailand Cultural Music Festival, which reportedly tends to consist of a bunch of Thai punk bands pogoing around a stage and spitting profusely on the audience. And if that wasn’t enough, we were then treated to the Pattaya Music Festival, an annual piss-up and punch-up for Thai motorcycle gangs. The fun just never stops. Somebody must have been dreaming of a big cucumber… Tourists will soon have to pay 100 baht on arrival in Thailand as part of a new initiative announced by the Tourism Ministry. Bad news for local businesses as it will completely wipe out the entire holiday budgets of Pattaya’s new breed of quality tourist. City Hall has admitted that Pattaya Beach will have to be replaced every time there’s a storm, as it keeps getting washed away by the flood waters. Environmentalists are predictably up in arms and have demanded that Pattaya should place an immediate ban on single-use beaches. Speed bumps are to be installed along the road by Dongtan Beach following alleged complaints about speeding yahoos on motorbikes. The likely effect of this will be that the speeding yahoos will lose control of their bikes and plough into crowds of unsuspecting tourists. When a reporter asked what would be done to address this potential problem he was punched in the face by the local community relations officer. They say walls have ears but trees in Pattaya used to have them too… Bars news now, and Diamond A Go Go has been replaced by a relocated Sugar Baby and Super Girl is being reborn as Angel A Go Go. Other new arrivals are Party Girlz A Go Go and Romantic House A Go Go, the latter on Pattayaland 1 where it seems like the poofs are slowly getting pushed out by Indians. Well if you can have Soi Cowboy, why not Soi Indian? Also on the way is Super Model A Go Go (haven’t we had that one before?) Latest news is that Romantic A Go Go looks like it’s shut down already - not entirely surprising considering nearly all the passing punters are brown hatters. If you think some Pattaya bars are a bit dodgy, get a load of this. It’s been reported that a Bangkok bar called Asia 44 Nightclub, opened four months ago, has been closed by police after they discovered that the owner was killing customers and serving them up as meals in the restaurant. A police statement was issued to reassure the public that the situation appears to be confined to this particular establishment and that they could continue to patronise other bars safe in the knowledge that they were unlikely to be eaten. However, it was later revealed that the bar owner has several other investments in the city. We await developments. Come to think of it, Pattaya seems to have more and more restaurants and less and less visitors… Rock fans anticipating a rumoured appearance in Pattaya by AC/DC were disappointed to learn that the visit was in fact by the Air and Coastal Defence Command, who we understand are not a rock band as such. ‘Those were the days’ time now with a look back at a duo of news snippets from Monkeywatch in June 2009. “At the beginning of the month, Tourist Police swooped on South Pattaya and rounded up a number of Uzbekistani ladies of the night and took them to the police station for further questioning. Can’t believe it’s a year since the Chief’s last birthday party. Doesn’t time fly? A Brit was arrested by police the other Tuesday after being caught stealing a bag of grapes from Tops Supermarket so he could tread them to make his own wine. He offered police a sample from his last attempt but they weren’t impressed and suggested he took his socks off next time.” Looks like the Klan won’t be getting their laundry back on time… Following complaints of inaction by the local boys in brown, a regional army and police squad raided two Thai nightclubs in Pattaya to check if any untoward activities were taking place. As a result of this, the venues were found to be guilty of having 142 patrons who tested positive for drugs, allowing entrance to under 20s, selling and advertising alcohol without a licence, selling shisha, staying open after permitted hours and allowing drug use on the premises. Items found in the clubs included guns and ammunition, knives, shisha pipes and 62 bags of yabba. The local police chief’s comments that, other than this, the venues were fully compliant with the law were noted and he’s now directing traffic on Dongtan High Street. A new chief will be appointed shortly. The Pig and Whistle on Soi 7 has closed and it’s been speculated that it may be taken over by Indians. Well at least they won’t need to change the name – just expand it a little. Finally, following a report that 80 percent of Pattaya motorbike taxis are illegal, an official statement has been issued thanking the reporters for recognising this huge improvement in the figures and for their positive attitude in publishing such a good news story. Sounds like the old police chief might have found a new job drafting official statements. be seeing you monkeyman

Selfish yellow swines. If they don't want to be treated like shit they should get jobs in Go Go Bars.

Go for Sabai Wing. Same location but newer and better rooms. You can also have a walk-in shower.

The two music bars are just a short distance down the road from the top of Soi 2.

Apologies for not getting that you got it.

It effectively says " this is a show that you most definitely must miss." but the intention was to word it in a way that can potentially be misread as saying the exact opposite.

Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence. I thought it might slip by unnoticed.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to look in, and welcome a fresh batch of tales both short and tall from the City of Sniggers (or are we supposed to say Safrican Americans these days?) When the local boys in brown put up a poster on their notice board outside the police station saying “Woman Wanted For Sattahip Temple Burglary” they were surprised to find that several women turned up and asked if they could apply for the job. An Indian quality tourist turned up at the police station the other day claiming that “a woman with long hair” (he obviously has an eye for detail) had done a bunk with his gold necklace valued at 41,000 baht (valued by him, one suspects.) He said the woman had ridden up on a motorcycle and propositioned him, which he of course refused as any quality tourist would. After she rode away, he realised that the gold chain had disappeared, obviously not having noticed the item being removed from around his neck during their conversation. The desk sergeant filled in a report and deposited it in the police station’s ‘Thefts from Indians” file, a wire basket on the floor in the corner of the room. Didn’t call him a stinking pig though. Must have slipped his mind. A taxi driver who was reportedly depressed climbed up a cellphone tower in Nong Plalai and stayed up there for seven hours before coming down for a smoke. He told police he’d climbed up there because one of his relatives was going to shoot him. Sounds reasonable. I mean, if someone’s out to shoot you, what better place to hide from them than the top of a cellphone tower? Unbelievable. Here’s a quick way to get to Heaven Above. Just climb up here and stick your hand in the junction box… Over 100 people were arrested after a massive gang fight on Pattaya Beach, the like of which hasn’t been seen since the Brits had their Mods and Rockers punch ups on Brighton Beach in the 1960s. After watching the film “Quadrophenia”, police decided to raid Scooter’s Bar and Harley Bar for likely suspects but were unsuccessful on both counts, the former because they didn’t know which of the Scooter’s bars to raid and the latter because it shut down about 10 years ago. Just another day in the family-friendly resort of Pattaya. Grave cleaners in Pattaya who were digging a bloke up so he could be cremated (it’s a Thai thing, don’t ask) were surprised to discover that you actually can take it with you when you go after the stiff in question was found to have no less than 100,000 baht about his person. The money, it’s said, will be used for merit-making. Bet you could make a shitload of merits with that stash – if you knew what merits were and how to make them. Thailand celebrated this year’s Press Freedom Day by blocking the BBC coverage of the coronation. Nobody seems to be saying who ordered it or why, though it’s been suggested that some previous remarks relating to similarities with Prince Charles in the area of aural physiognomy may be involved. One of Pattaya’s many claims to fame is that it invented the concept of concrete dog shit as a tourist attraction… A smattering of bar news now. On LK Metro, Office A Go Go has reopened as Office Club, and on Soi Diamond a new Carousel Bar has opened called New Carousel Bar. They must sit up all night coming up with these innovative new names. Bollywood a Go Go has been relaunched on Pattayaland 1, though they’re actually fibbing as it reportedly isn’t a Go Go but a dance bar. Could be some Indian bints in there who are up for it, but don’t hold your breath (actually, that might be a bad piece of advice.) It’s been reported that the trash in Pattaya is damaging the reputation of the city as a world-class resort. And there was us thinking it was down to the Mafia, the Triads, drugs, dregs, stinking pigs, muggings, beatings, shootings, stabbings, gang fights, prostitution, slavery and corruption. Shows how much we know. Let’s do the time warp again with a duo of memories from Monkeywatch in May 2009. “There was a bit of a rumpus in Central Pattaya a couple of Thursdays ago after a refuse collector found a live grenade in a green rubbish bin. A council representative said that they were shocked to hear of this as every household had been sent a leaflet expressly instructing them to put all grenades into their black bins. A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer.” This must be the new improved Thai Airways Boeing 737… Customers in a Pattaya car park were somewhat surprised when a Thai man came crashing through the roof and ended up in a heap on the floor. Rescue workers postulated that the man, who appeared to be in an elevated state of consciousness, might have been looking for an apartment in the adjoining building and “got a bit lost.” That’s an understatement. Following the latest jumping incident at Central Festival, it’s been revealed that they’ve come up with a way to solve the problem – machines that clean up the mess in double quick time. Way to go, fellas. The last thing tourists want when they’re out shopping is to get that sort of goo all over their nice new shoes. The formerly beautiful Maya Bay has had to be closed for two years after being trampled underfoot by relentless hordes of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings. Good news for the bay, but bad news for the locals – and the sharks. Finally, if you’re in town right now then you’re just in time for the Pattaya International Fireworks Festival 2019 that’s being held on Pattaya Beach on 24 and 25 May. If past events are anything to go by, this is a show that you most definitely must not fail to miss. be seeing you monkeyman

They've done this before on more than one occasion. The reason was rumoured to be too many empty seats.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from post-Songkran Pattaya now locals have stopped throwing water at each other and gone back to putting it in the beer. The Thai Meteorological Department predicted recently that April would be a wet month. Well given that the roads have just been under a foot of water it ain’t likely to be a fuckin’ drought is it? A wise man once said, “White man with brown cock has just come from Dongtan.” Not in this bloody weather he hasn’t. Pedestrians have been warned to take care if they venture onto Pattaya North Road during the repaving work as it’s currently about as safe as walking through a minefield in Afghanistan. The warning unfortunately comes too late for the Chinese tourist who stumbled over a pile of bricks and plunged into an open sewer (no sniggering at the back there.) Pattaya officials are currently working on plans for the redevelopment of Big Buddha Hill. A spokesman said that no decisions had yet been taken but strongly denied rumours that the Buddha was to be replaced by Ronald McDonald. He was last seen driving off to City Hall in his new Bentley. This month’s Underwater Farting Contest at Central Festival produced some impressive performances… Drainage improvements are continuing apace in Jomtien in an attempt to solve the continuing problems with flooding. They identified one problem as a dead Russian blocking a storm drain but manage to dissolve him with a few gallons of Mr Muscle (other brands of Russian dissolver are available.) Tourist attractions in Pattaya are undergoing safety checks after a nasty incident in Chiang Mai when their Flight of the Gibbon turned into Plummet of the Canadian when a zip line broke and turned an unfortunate Canuck into a grease spot. As the old saying goes “If man was meant to fly, God would’ve given him Frequent Flyers Cards. Just a quick reminder for first time visitors to Pattaya that The Dog’s Bollocks is a sports bar and not a Korean restaurant. Staff at Pattaya’s shopping malls prepare themselves for the arrival of a new batch of quality tourists… Bar news time, and the recently deceased Mandarin has re-emerged as Rich A Go Go. Hidden and Bypass are now hidden and bypassed, or to put it another way, they’re both closed. Scooters has now opened on Soi 14 though it’s still recognisable as the Secrets of old - but with scooters. The Lucky Carousel Bar in the centre of Soi Diamond, which seems to have been around forever, is sadly around no more. Another bit of Pattaya heritage lost forever – unless it reopens of course. One place that will be reopening is Office A Go Go, which closed recently following a change of ownership. A Pakistani quality tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other day to report that his girlfriend of two hours had done a bunk with 3000 baht of his hard-earned while he was taking a shower. Dismayed at the apparent disinterest of the boys in brown, he protested that he was a Pakistani citizen and his human rights had been infringed, at which point he was told that he was a stinking pig and he didn’t have any rights at all, human or otherwise. He was then told to bugger off or he’d be arrested for wasting police time. And all this for 3000 baht. Was he taking the piss or what? Drift back through time now and revisit a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2009… “It’s been reported that monkeys have been catching buses to and from markets where they go to steal food. Very strange. Actually, it might be interesting to know whether they pay 5 or 10 baht on the bus. Then again, it might not. A rubbish tip in Na-Jomtien has been invaded by vast numbers of birds that have decided to settle there so they can feed on the tasty titbits in the refuse. Interestingly, they seem to be ignoring the discarded boxes of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC in favour of the abundant supply of worms on the site. All those birds can’t be wrong, so next time you fancy some fast food, get yourself a wormburger. You know it makes sense.” There’s a new campaign under way to tidy up Pattaya, so if you find any dead Chinese tourists lying about, please throw them into one of these and fill it in. Thank you for your co-operation… Officials in Nongprue have responded to complaints from local people about the floods in the area. They’ve said they don’t give a rat’s ass. Thailand has once again been honoured with the title of “least miserable economy” in an international Misery Index that seems to have a glass completely empty philosophy. Interesting to note that only one western country featured in the top five. Miserable gits. We can’t finish without mentioning that the election is over and we eagerly await the result next month so the country can enter a new era of peace, freedom and democracy. Cue the tanks… be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in again, and welcome to our election special where we can announce that the result is….well we don’t know yet, so let’s talk about something else. Terminal 21 Shopping Mall has issued an apology after it was caught on video giving preferential treatment to rich patrons over disabled customers. When asked if he could give an assurance that this wouldn’t happen again, a mall representative said “No, but when it does happen again we’ll apologise again.” Following reports of police raids on Pattaya chop shops, the police have issued a statement to make it clear that the raids in question were on garages and not gender reassignment clinics. The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new strategy in which they plan to target Indian and Muslim tourists. The police have offered to help by loaning them a few of their best marksmen. Police searching for a missing Chinese tourist announce a breakthrough after they find his penis near Pattaya Beach… Pattaya is to host the World Weightlifting Championships in September but no Thais will be taking part as they’ve all been banned for drug infringements. Perhaps foot shooting would be a better sport for them. They’ve also had to withdraw from the 2020 Olympics, which is a great shame as several government ministers were expected to win medals in the dope test. The annual market held every year in Naklua came to an end on February 24 with something call “Walk and Eat.” This was reportedly followed by something called “Bend and Puke.” A local caterer is helping police with their enquiries. The local boys in brown have been coming under fire from residents and tourists for not enforcing the ban on motorcycles using the Pattaya Central Road Tunnel after several gangs of Thai yobs were spotted using it as a racetrack. A spokesman said the police didn’t have time for this as were too busy at the Najomtien roadblock extracting money from foreign tourists for passport and visa infringements - or anything else they could think of. Tourists arriving for a stay at their new beachfront hotel find it isn’t quite finished yet… This month’s bar news now, and there’s nothing much to report except a new Go Go on Soi Diamond called Nice, either as in pleasant or as in the city in France. Don’t suppose it matters which it is unless you’re a Frog, though it probably doesn’t matter to them either. Fancy some Korean Food? Then get yourself along to Babobros, a new Korean restaurant on Walking Street where Hot Girls A Go Go used to be. One bit of advice though. If you fancy a British dessert, don’t order the spotted dick – we’ve heard they make it out of offcuts from Dalmatians. Forward to the past once more with a couple of memories from Monkeywatch of March 2009… “The story of the moment just has to be the new proposal by City Hall to extend the width of the entire length of Beach road by 18 metres and possibly make it two way. This innovative idea could be of great benefit as it would give motorists a choice of two traffic jams to get stuck in after they’ve enjoyed a day relaxing on the remaining six inches of beach. A couple of Wednesdays ago, a bloke turned up at Banglamung Police Station to visit an imprisoned friend and was found to have loads of drugs stuffed in his pockets. His name, appropriately enough, turned out to be Atit, and the police have very kindly agreed to extend his visiting time by a couple of years.” The bloke who used to work in here was told to feed the sharks. Which he did. Just the once… There seems to a lot of British theme bars opening in Pattaya lately. Well one assumes that’s what they are as the beer’s warm and overpriced, the music’s too loud and the girls aren’t interested. New research has indicated that breathing in Thailand may mean you’ll die up to four years sooner. Unfortunately, the only alternative option will kill you a bloody sight sooner than that. An American trans queen visiting Thailand has said he finds the country to be more open to transgender people than the USA. No shit, Sherlock. And finally, a naked Thai chap was arrested at the Mike Orchid Resort on Second Road after he went berserk and trashed his hotel room. Not so much a Full Moon Party as a Keith Moon Party? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and join us as we celebrate the Chinese New Year, which this time around is the year of the pig – or in the case of Pattaya, the year of the stinking pig. Again. Oh well, off we go. Fans of the famous Dolphin Roundabout in North Pattaya will be pleased to know that it’s been resurrected. The dead dolphin found on Pattaya Beach, on the other hand, hasn’t. Pattaya officials have proudly announced that the Russian mafia have finally been driven out of the city. What they inadvertently forgot to mention is that they were driven out by the triads. Same same, but different. The police have followed this up by issuing a statement declaring that there are no Chinese mafia in Pattaya. This follows previous statements that there are no drugs and no prostitutes in the city. Linguists are still struggling to find a definition of the word “no” that fits comfortably with these statements. Best of luck, boys. Be the envy of your drinking buddies with the new “Barcrawler” – guarantees you a seat at every bar and you won’t even have to walk there… Now that the date for the upcoming election has been confirmed as March 24, the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association have been entrusted with the task of ensuring that the voting in the city is both free and fair. The PBTA, as they are generally known, should not be confused with LGBT (Lovers of the Great Beef Torpedo) as they are a respectable business organisation and not just a bunch of attention seeking poofs. Well, not all of them anyway. Actually, there’s talk of a new group emerging during the election campaign who are disaffected with the country’s membership of the ASEAN group and are advocating something called Thexit. Once free of this heinous organisation, their plans include the immediate deportation of all stinking pigs and the creation of a hard border by building a wall round the entire country. This will apparently free up 350 million baht a week that could be spent on the health service, but won’t be. Sounds promising. Once upon a time long ago there was a children’s TV film called “The Singing Ringing Tree”, an excruciating abomination from Germany that was probably made as an act of revenge for World War Two, that parents inflicted on baby boomers, probably as a form of aversion therapy to discourage them from watching too much television. Sadly, many of those same baby boomers can now be seen sitting in bars around Pattaya having to endure a new kind of aversion therapy known as “the drinking stinking pig.” Revenge for the British Empire? It said on the dating site that she was a real dish… Bar news this month kicks off with the demise of the long standing if nomadic Beach Club, which is to become part of an enlarged Happy A Go Go. Pin-Up A Go Go is joined by Tee Rak A Go Go as a new kid on the block on Walking Street. And the good old former Blues Factory is having another go at Go Go with the upcoming opening of Republic A Go Go. Sounds a bit Ruskie, that one. Speaking of which, the old Living Dolls 1 has been consumed by an expansion to the XO Club. The evil empire is expanding. Pattaya is currently training 120 new tourist assistants to “improve the tourist experience” for foreign visitors. At the end of the training period they will each be issued a stick with a ball on top, a variety of forged tickets and a large money bag to assist them in their endeavours. Now that’s what you call customer service. Vintage Pattaya memories now with a look at a couple of bits from Monkeywatch from February 2009… “The other Monday, police were called to an Exchange Booth on Second Road after staff reported that a Pakistani man had attempted to exchange counterfeit UK bank notes. The man was arrested but later released without charge when he pointed out that on current exchange rates the fake notes were actually worth more than real ones. A brand spanking new set of traffic lights has been installed on the Sukhumvit Road in Central Pattaya in an attempt to improve the flow of traffic in the area. Large numbers of people are expected to benefit from this imaginative scheme, mainly scrap dealers and undertakers.” Thai A Yellow Ribbon Round The Oil Palm Tree?... Pattaya officials and police held a meeting with baht bus drivers on February 8 during which the drivers were lectured about overcharging and insulting tourists. We spoke to one driver who said he didn’t bother to attend as he knew how to do those things already. Building work has restarted on Pattaya’s new football stadium and officials say they hope to have it completed by 2026. If you think that sounds like a long time, it might be worth noting that construction actually began in 2009. No point in rushing these things, is there? Finally, Valentine’s Day celebrations in Pattaya were a bit muted this year. Wonder if the decision by officials to rename it STD Day had anything to do with it? If they’d given it some thought they could’ve just shortened the name to VD and got both messages across together. But then when do Thais ever think before thy act? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for yet another year, and welcome to our Post Yuletide Hangover Edition – which means it’s much the same as all the others. Well, the New Year festivities went more smoothly than last year. None of the celebrity guests got thrown in jail and the fireworks lasted more than four minutes. Things can only get better. Officials have been back in Walking Street measuring the height of business signs and checking on sagging overhead cables for possible infractions of health and safety regulations. Just one business owner was reprimanded after he misinterpreted an official asking him “How are they hanging?” as a friendly greeting rather than a query about the ground clearance of his cabling. A toy vendor was attacked and knocked unconscious by a trio of assailants in an apparently motiveless attack on Beach Road just before New Year. The man is said to be recovering well though he reckons his Tonka will never be the same again. Would that be short time or long time?... The annual Wonderfruit Festival took place a few weeks ago at the Siam Country Club. Don’t they usually hold that at Tiffany’s? Pollution in Pattaya has been getting so bad lately that both seeing and breathing have been getting more difficult. The problem has been variously attributed to the weather, farm fires, roadworks and elephant farts. So nothing to do with cars, trucks and buses then. Okay, fine, let’s go get some corks and plug up some elephants. Problem solved. Pattaya officials are holding talks with a Chinese company about a embarking on beachfront improvement project. The idea of using a Chinese company is in part to reassure Chinese tourists that they need not be afraid to visit Pattaya as tourist safety is a top priority and there’s quite a good chance that most of them probably won’t end up dead (though they presumably won’t mention the Chinese tourist whose body washed up on Pattaya Beach just before Christmas.) Whatever it was, it’s been stolen… Bar news now, and there’s a curious new place opened on Soi 13/3 called Bollywood a Go Go. The signage suggests that they have Indian dancers, but also that it might be a dance bar rather than a Go Go. Either way, it seems to be aimed at Indian punters. Enter at your peril. Two new Go Go’s on Soi Diamond, Catwalk and Teerak, and there seems be possibly two more in the offing on Walking Street. Deep joy. Social Lounge & Bar has finally opened on Walking Street and looks to be a nice place to chill. And Mandarin has merged into Bypass – sounds more like a traffic report. Officials from Chonburi, along with the army and police, carried out a raid on Pattaya Remand Prison the other week in search of drugs and weapons, but none were found. The Prison Governor denied that they’d been tipped off about the raid, though he was unable to explain the ‘Welcome’ banner that adorned the main gate. Drift back to the heady days of January 2009 now with a duo of historic bits of Monkeywatch from that very month… “As you all know unless you haven’t been paying attention in class, Thailand has yet another new Prime Minister. As one Thai chap enthusiastically proclaimed, “We change our Prime Ministers as often as we change our underwear”. So that would be about once a year then. A Don’t Drink and Drive Parade was held on Beach Road just before Christmas to remind people of the perils they might face over the festive period. Banners were held aloft to persuade people not to drink and drive, unless of course they were using one of Thailand’s new hands-free drinking kits that allow imbibers to drink their bottle of whisky through a tube and thus keep both hands on the wheel and drive safely.” Another Arabian flight landed safely… A Chinese chappie is spending his New Year banged up in a police cell after lying to them about an alleged theft of a bag containing 754,000 baht. Turns out he was just trying to fit up a couple of other chinks he met at the airport after they had a row because he tried to swindle them. The man, who police referred to as “an evil vindictive yellow swine”, has been told he’ll either face a custodial sentence or be deported back to China. Hard to figure out which is worse. A website has rated Pattaya as the fourth healthiest city in the world. Yes, you did just read that. Presumably, none of the people who carried out this ‘study’ have actually ever been to Pattaya, and one would suspect that none of them were Chinese. Their healthiest city turns out to be Paris. Tell that to someone who’s just had his head kicked in by a grunt in a yellow vest. Finally, a bloke collapsed right outside the entrance to the Welcome Inn restaurant on Soi Khao Noi the other day and started convulsing and foaming at the mouth. Food critics are such bloody show-offs, aren’t they? be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, that is indeed the establishment in question.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a yuletide showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to Christmas in Giggle City. City Hall has announced that the Pattaya Countdown to New Year will take place on December 30-31. So when else would it be, in the middle of bloody April? It’s also been announced that from December 29 to January 1, all tourists and locals will be admitted to historical parks and museums free of charge, though there will of course be reduced rates for Thais. There’s been a shortage of girls in the bars lately as so many of them are still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after being disconnected from their smartphones for a whole day. O2 be in Thailand, now that winter’s here… Local officials are pleased to report that the clear up after the Loy Krathong festivities was completed much more quickly than usual. They did, however, neglect to mention this was because the recent floods washed most of the shit out to sea. Getting sunburn in Pattaya can be a thing of the past if you get yourself one of these handy portable trees… A 48 year old Walking Street freelancer was arrested last week after allegedly robbing a punter who'd taken her back to his hotel. 48 year old? He was robbed all right. Another Thai master criminal came to a sticky end a few weeks ago when he tried to rob a Pattaya gold shop. As soon as he produced a knife, the staff ran into a back room and activated all the locks, leaving the hapless would-be thief with no means of escape until the police arrived and arrested him. Turns out he was a mahout. Bet his elephant never forgets about this. Silly bugger. Pattaya had a ban on plastic bags for a day on 4 December for some reason or another. Might explain why the only girls working in the Go Go’s that night were the ones with natural tits. Once again, Pattaya leads the way with the first ever 16 cylinder pickup truck… Christmas bar news now, and fans of the old Club Blu might want to check out Lisa on the Beach, a new glass fronted coyote bar on the site of the recently closed We Are The World. Harem Club has opened on Walking Street, and Champion A Go Go closed down then strangely reopened upstairs. LoSo to HiSo? And there’s yet another Indian club opening in the building that used to be the CoCoon nightclub, reportedly once owned by a Jamaican bloke with a stammer. Looks like they’ll be employing Russian girls rather than Indians though. Shame. Local health volunteers have been told they must do more to prevent the spread of dengue fever. They appear to have taken the directive on board as they were last seen heading for a nearby mosquito-ridden swamp armed with submachine guns. Wind back a decade now with a duo of snippets from Monkeywatch of December 2008… “All hell broke loose on Pattayaland 2 last week when a lost monkey ran through several shops and started slinging all the goods around. It eventually disappeared into a shoe shop and hasn’t been seen since. When questioned, shop owners said they hadn’t bothered reporting the incident as the monkey had behaved better than most of their customers. Thai Environment Day was celebrated in Pattaya on December 4. Over 300 people took part in a bicycle ride, during which they collected rubbish from streets all around the city. Council workers are now clearing up 2000 beer cans, 1500 burger boxes and 500 gallons of urine left over from the party held to celebrate the event’s success.” There was controversy at this year’s annual Pattaya Frog Trampling Contest when some of the participants demanded a recount… Police arrested a Thai bloke a few days ago for stealing the clothes and belongings of a couple who’s gone for a late night swim at the north end of Pattaya Beach. They advised tourists who engage in such activities to “leave their belongings with a minder. “ Good advice, unless you don’t happen to be the Kray twins. Plans are already under way for next year’s Pattaya Night Run. This is an official event and is in no way related to the nightly event on Beach Road involving groups of ladyboys being chased up the road by local police. Finally, if you’ve seen a story entitled “Cambodian arrested for Koh Larn theft”, don’t worry. We’ve checked and it’s still there. Bloody fake news. Merry Christmas everyone. be seeing you monkeyman

If that'd been me we'd have headed off in the same direction.

Now we've got shitloads of Indian visitors, Indian hotels and Indian restaurants, it's about time we had some Indian Go Gos and Indian freelancers. I have a dream.