monkeyman

The Markland is mainly oriented toward Asian tour groups, though that doesn't necessarily make it a bad place to stay.

I guess it depends on the girl . I got chatting with a Russian girl on a baht bus a few days back and she was really lovely and friendly. Nothing like the hookers in the bars.

Just click on the switch icon in the top left corner of the reply box.

Are the band playing again tonight Martin? I thought they were only doing Fridays.

One bloke last night tried to get to the food before he'd even bought a drink. He didn't get away with it though.

Yes.

It's just a few yards down from the old one. Rolling Stone Bar (forgotten the new name) was really rocking a couple of nights ago. Thai, Russian and Indian hotties all dancing together. Multiculturalism at its best.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to a new batch of boisterous bar banter. A Thai TV soap opera very popular with local viewers has been censored after a group called ‘Muslims For Peace’ threatened to shoot the entire cast and burn the studio to the ground. It seems they were of the opinion that the show cast Muslims in a bad light. Glad they put the record straight. A pub on third Road was burned to the ground the other week after a fire broke out in the storeroom. Police then arrested the owner for breach of a 30-day closure order, saying the place was no longer closed as it didn’t have a door…or walls…or a roof. Suppose they had a point. A female Chinese tourist had a lucky escape a couple of weeks ago after falling through some unsafe railings and down a cliff at Pattaya Viewpoint. Her fall was fortuitously broken by a large pile of rubbish that had been dumped at the bottom of the cliff and she escaped with relatively minor injuries. The medics who attended the accident told her she was a very lucky woman, though she seemed unconvinced that falling through railings and plunging down a cliff into three tons of rotting garbage was a sign of good luck. The Beach Road improvement scheme is still gathering pace. So now we have no seats, no grass, no shade... and since the recent rainstorms, no beach. Going well, isn’t it?.. Some of the lighting towers also look like they might be heading for erectile dysfunction if repairs aren’t forthcoming pretty soon... The jumping season is in full swing again, the latest being a Singaporean from a fifth floor hotel balcony. Holidaymakers are now being warned that the greatest danger they face on a visit to Pattaya is the prospect of being flattened by a plummeting tourist. There was a bit of a stir in South Pattaya a few Thursdays ago when a naked drug-crazed black American quality tourist went berserk inside a 7-Eleven store. A female store assistant gave police a detailed description of the man, though she was unable to remember what his face looked like. A German nutter had to be rescued from the Maprachan Reservoir a couple of weeks back when he went mountain biking in the area and got trapped in the mud. When asked by a reporter if he’d describe the man as a stick in the mud, a rescue worker said “No, I’d describe him as a stupid cunt”. The Mini Moke, a 60s icon and star of the cult TV series “The Prisoner”, visited Pattaya last Friday prior to its relaunch in Thailand next year. The new model looks pretty much the same as the 60s version, though we are promised that it’ll have modern updates. No aircon, but it does have watercon. You just drive it in the rain... Not much in the way of bar news this month. One closure to report, that of Byblos on Soi Diamond. It’s very quiet in the Walking Street bars right now, with some bar owners reporting their worst nights ever. The LK Metro area seems a little more buoyant, though the temporary closure of Champagne is no doubt giving the other bars a bit more custom. Xzone now has Pattaya singer Pleng performing there every Friday night, though her performance is unfortunately confined to singing. Perhaps she should try doing a few numbers on the gyno table so the punters could help her reach the high notes. An East Pattaya fish shop owner had his chips when he was killed in his shop while hosing the place down after a hard day’s graft. It appears that he sprayed water into an electric socket, giving him a shock which rendered him unconscious. The electricity then heated up the water on the floor and he was poached to death. Silly bugger. One of the Pattaya umbrella vendors has just bought herself a new car... A Ukrainian bloke stumbled into Pattaya Police Station last week after escaping from a gang of Thai men who had claimed to be Pattaya Immigration Police. They said if he gave them one million baht they’d release him after a short time. Don’t blame him for doing a runner – even the Russian birds do a short time cheaper than that. An elderly tourist from Malta has said he’ll never visit Pattaya again after being robbed by ladyboys on Beach Road in the early hours of the morning. Yes, that’s how you make a Maltese cross. A tourist board official said this was an unfortunate incident and if the man was serious about not returning to Pattaya then he could “go fuck himself”. He’ll probably have to if goes anywhere else. C’est la vie. be seeing you monkeyman

So how did it go last Friday then? I was going to look in but the weather intervened.

Perhaps she can sing and do a turn on the gyno table at the same time. We may be about to witness a new concept in entertainment.

The bit about FLB perhaps?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome our latest peek through the keyhole of Sauce City. The Pattaya pantomime season is in full swing with the news that the latest police crackdown is targeting elephant farms. Police who carried out a raid on one such establishment discovered that one of the elephants working there had false ID papers. The animal was allegedly 47 years old but the ID documentation indicated that it was in fact less than 20 years old. The owner was arrested and charged with employing an underage elephant by the Child, Women and Elephant Protection Unit. The BBC refused to comment. A young Pattaya restaurant chef had to be restrained by rescuers after he tried to end it all by jumping off a footbridge after having a row with his girlfriend. He was taken to hospital where a doctor said they were convinced it was not a serious suicide attempt as there were much more effective ways of doing this, like eating a plate of his own cooking washed down with a glass of Pattaya seawater. Have you ever noticed that when the girls speak in Thai they often say what sounds like “wanker” at the end of a sentence. Much the same as when they speak in English if they’re talking about farang men. When visiting Pattaya, be sure to visit the shrine dedicated to the great God ‘Lego’… Two people were arrested by the Child and Women Protection Unit (what, no elephants?) a couple of weeks ago for selling balloons full of nitrous oxide under the name of “Funny Air” from a stand on Walking Street. The officers apparently decided that as people were inhaling the gas, this activity was illegal and equivalent to selling hard drugs. The casual observer might be tempted to make a few observations at this point, such as “It’s perfectly legal”, “It’s got nothing to do with drugs”, “Why didn’t you arrest the owners of the four other stands on Walking Street selling the same stuff” and “What the fuck does it have to do with the Child and Women Protection Unit anyway?” One can’t help but speculate that this lot have been inhaling something rather stronger than Funny Air. Fire crews were summoned to Walking Street the other Friday night after a fire broke out in a Turkish restaurant. The cause of the fire has yet to be established, though the Pattaya Good Food Guide is believed to be high on the list of suspects. A German quality tourist was arrested the other weekend and charged with impersonating a Thai police officer, possessing child pornography and sexually assaulting minors. The man’s lawyer said his client regretted his actions and realised the disgust and revulsion people would feel and the shame it would bring on his family when people discovered he’d pretended to be in the police. Perhaps someone should have told him that if you’re going to commit sex offences you should do it in Britain as the police there wait 40 years before they arrest you. And anyway, how the bloody hell can a German impersonate a Thai police officer? Pattaya shopping mall staff prepare themselves to welcome the latest batch of quality tourists… Bar news now, and the usual crop of comings and goings continues unabated. FLB Bar, which had been due to close at the end of August, will now be staying open for a little while longer, so drop in if you’re passing by. It might be your last chance before it gets turned into a skanky Russian clip joint (or whatever). Funhouse A Go Go has finally opened on Soi LK Metro, just in time for Champagne A Go Go to close for a major refurb. Bada Bing A Go Go on Soi BJ is about to be reborn as Wildcats A Go Go. And Lolitas has relocated to Soi Chayaphun. That’ll come as a bit of a blow to some (and a lot of a blow to others). A ferry had to be evacuated near Koh Larn last week after the engine caught fire. Those on board were transferred to speedboats and taken back to the mainland while the blaze was tackled by firefighters. The ferry was apparently taking tourists on a sightseeing trip to look at the spot where the last one sank. Pattaya has been officially declared Mafia free by a senior police chief who went on to say that tourists can be reassured that the city is perfectly safe. He then sang three choruses of “Knees Up Mother Brown” and was sick in a bucket. And the winner of this month’s “Dress Like A Cunt” competition is… Police are investigating reports that a copyright team assaulted a chap in an internet shop. It seems they went to the man’s shop and seized his computers, then one of team poked him with a stick. The man showed CCTV of the incident to the police, who ordered that the equipment be returned and added, “We take allegations of this sort very seriously. A man should be able to go about his lawful business without being poked with a stick. The Duchess of Cornwall didn’t stand for it and neither will we.” Prince Charles was too drunk to comment following a night on the piss with his dad. There was a bit of an embarrassing incident for the boys in brown last week when a woman prisoner escaped from Pattaya Police Station after being allowed to go to the toilet without supervision. She apparently climbed through the toilet window and legged it across the rooftops. It’s unclear why the woman was arrested in the first place, though it’s rumoured that she was about to be charged with making indecent images of Rolf Harris. Finally, we’ve been assured there’s no truth to the rumour that the UN chemical weapons inspectors checked out Pattaya’s beer stocks on their way to Syria. They did it on their way back. be seeing you monkeyman

Makes a change from sex abuse. The BBC rarely talk about anything else.

The non-thinking man's crumpet.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the latest tall tales from Thailand’s top titillation trap. Following the arrest of some foreign tourists during bar raids for not carrying their passports on their person, holidaymakers are being advised to check there are no police around before getting out of swimming pools. Swimming in the sea may not be the solution either, as there have also been reports of police carrying out covert surveillance in submarines. Heard a story the other day about a chap who picked a girl up in a bar. She spent the whole evening being sulky, not speaking to him and spending all his money. When they got back to his room she laughed at his dick and refused to have sex with him. Just goes to show that blokes who say you can’t get a girlfriend experience in Pattaya any more don’t know what the bloody hell they’re talking about. A local grocery shop owner has been arrested after being accused of selling drugs to teenagers and bar workers. This has caused a great deal of outrage in the local community, particularly with drug dealers, one of whom said “If that fecker can sell drugs, we’re gonna start pushing fresh fruit and veg. And in his case, we know exactly where we’re gonna push it”. Following the success of the Bangkok fried chicken takeaway called ‘Hitler’, it’s been rumoured that the owner has decided to expand his franchise into Pattaya. So if you’re feeling a bit peckish in the near future, keep an eye out for ‘Kentucky Fried Himmler’, ‘Hess-U-Like’ and ‘Dunkin’ Goebbels’. Wonder if they’ll get many German customers? When asked why he’d chosen Hitler to promote his establishments, the owner, Benton Proud (pictured below) said, “I just thought he was a really good looking bloke”… Three Thai youths were arrested in South Pattaya the other week after being caught trying to steal petrol from a motorcycle. Also arrested was a girl from a blowjob bar who the youths said they’d brought along to siphon the petrol from the tank. Police decided to let them off with a caution after the girl demonstrated her technique to the arresting officers. Three Indian quality tourists fell for the old ‘katoey under the bed’ scam the other Monday morning after each of them was approached and promised a cheap massage by three tarts on Beach Road (always a good place to meet a better class of person). In every incident, the hapless currymonger was taken to a room where he was invited to strip off and leave his clothes on the floor next to the bed. The massage duly began, at which point a ladyboy cunningly concealed under the bed proceeded to pilfer money from his trousers. Two of the men subsequently complained to the police, who went to the room and arrested the miscreants. The organiser of the thefts said the scam was devised because none of the girls were prepared to put a hand in the man’s trousers while he was actually wearing them. She added that it was also payback for the ‘Indians under the bed’ scam that some of the girls had encountered after accompanying an allegedly solo punter back to his room. A bunch of Chinese tourists wandered into Pattaya Police Station the other Thursday to complain that the hotel their tour company had booked them into didn’t meet the 5-star rating that they’d paid for. Police checked out the place and told them to bugger off as was definitely up to 5-star standard – in Ethiopia. Bloody Chinese. Always moaning. Plenty of room for 30 of them in there,,, Bar news time now, and the headline story has got to be the reported closure of X-Zone. Well no, actually it hasn’t, because a report a couple of hours later said it was open again. The month has seen the opening of yet more new Go Go Bars. Crystal A Go Go and Bachelor A Go Go have both opened on Soi LK Metro and have been joined by Dream Club A Go Go on Soi Diamond. Punters have been bemoaning the lack of naughty bits on display in these bars, though there have been reports that this may change in some cases. Glass House A Go Go and Bada Bing A Go Go both closed, but the former has already reopened and the latter is expected to do so shortly. Following an extensive survey, the BBC has published a list of the world’s most corrupt countries based on the number of bribes paid to public officials. And the winner was…no, you’re wrong, it was Sierra Leone. Thailand finished in a miserable 56th place, prompting an official to announce, “This is an outrage. The people conducting this survey were clearly bribed”. A BBC representative said they were also surprised by the result, as they normally expected the front-runner in any given year to be the country hosting the Eurovision Song Contest. A Swedish chappie ended it all in his North Pattaya apartment after phoning police to tell them he was going to do that very thing. They broke into his room and found him with a plastic bag over his head secured tightly round his neck. A neighbour said she didn’t know a lot about him but he liked to walk around Pattaya with no shoes on as he reckoned it was good for his body. The story would, however, suggest that his ideas of what was good for his body might have been a tad inaccurate. Wouldn’t like to meet the owner of this Zimmer frame… A weird little story emerged a couple of weeks ago about a Thai man who was arrested by police after falling asleep while he was burgling a house. Well, that should be a wake up call for him. Police also closed down a nose surgery after it turned out that the surgeon qualified to do the surgery didn’t actually do any surgery, but a bloke who wasn’t qualified to do surgery did all the surgery. The closure was prompted by a dissatisfied customer who had asked for a nose like a Rembrandt but ended up looking more like a Picasso. Finally, a pickup truck crashed into the front of a Jomtien restaurant the other Monday after one of the tyres blew out. Didn’t realise you could get Pirelli tyres in Thailand. Doubt if their condoms are a best seller either. be seeing you monkeyman

Oh, you are awful..... but I like you.

Methinks they get fined if they haven't shaved.

I guess they do.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month’s dive into the delights of destination debauchery. Game on. Police were called to South Pattaya a few Saturdays ago after a woman complained that a man had been filming her in a public toilet cubicle through a vent in one of the walls. The man ran off when she spotted him but the silly bugger left his work shirt behind, which identified him as an employee of a Walking Street Go Go Bar. When the police turned up at the bar and arrested him, the man said he’d committed the offence as he rarely got to see naked women as his girlfriend had left him and of course, as everyone knows, nudity isn’t allowed in Go Go Bars. A body of a shoe-shiner who’d had his head bashed in was found up by Tesco-Lotus the other Monday. A witness said he’d seen the deceased having an argument with a man the previous day. The man was apparently furious that the shoe-shiner had begun polishing away without even asking first - and without noticing that the man was wearing flip flops. Police are investigating. Now Thailand’s plans to host a Formula One Grand Prix in Bangkok have been well and truly knocked on the head by city officials, perhaps Pattaya should make a bid for the event. Formula One is of course enjoying a resurgence of interest in Pattaya since they started using footage of Romain Grosjean’s races as a training film for baht bus drivers. Irresponsible holidaymakers continue to cause problems for Pattaya’s hard working jet ski operators. It cost some Indian nutter 200,000 baht to get this appalling damage repaired… The relaunch has been announced of Thailand Elite, the high-end traveller scheme that previously collapsed in a maelstrom of disarray and litigation. The scheme, which originally targeted wealthy westerners, is this time being aimed at emerging markets such as Russia, China and India. The idea is apparently to “raise the level of visitor arrivals to new heights”. The only way they’ll raise that lot to new heights is to make them walk around on stilts. Unbelievable. But then that’s the trouble with Pattaya these days – full of bloody foreigners. It was bad enough when the foreigners were all Thais, but these days the sods come from everywhere, be it Russia, China, India or any number of countries in Eastern Europe without a vowel between them. About time they deported the whole bloody lot (okay, we’ll let the Thais off that one.) An Australian quality tourist was arrested after he threw a rock though the window of a taxi following an altercation with the driver on Pattaya Klang. Police released him after he agreed to pay 20,000 baht compensation, which they assured him was very reasonable figure as it was far less than the cost of repairing a scratch on a jet ski. One wonders what the average Pattaya lady would make of this little list from a PI bar. One thing’s for sure – a girl with 650 pesos to her name can do anything she bloody well likes… Time for bar news, and the soon to be opening Crystal club on Soi LK Metro, which was originally touted to be a Go Go but then changed to a nightclub, now seems to have reverted to a Go Go. We’ll find out for sure when it opens – probably as a coyote bar. Its next-door neighbour is to become Bachelor A Go Go, and the old MASH A Go Go is being relaunched as Angelwitch 2. Club Blu is not going to be a ladyboy bar after all, but will instead reopen as Fun House A Go Go. Hot And Cold has been busted for employing underage staff, which probably means anyone under 40 in that place. Over on Walking Street, the old Carousel A Go Go on Soi Diamond is to reopen as Dream A Go Go, and Beach Club has abandoned table dancing in favour of a traditional Go Go layout. Let’s hope coyote dancing gets consigned to the same dustbin of history. A tour bus driver was killed on Pratamnak Hill last week after the automatic passenger door on the bus shut on his neck. There’s only one possible way to explain the strange sequence of events that must have led to this unusual conclusion – but we don’t know what it is. A chap was found dead at a Buddhist shrine the other day after having some kind of convulsion. He’d stolen and consumed two cartons of milk from the shrine and some people think this may have led to his demise. The cartons described the product as longlife milk so the purchasers returned it to the store and demanded their money back. Is this where the Thais learn their pidgin English?.. In a surprise move, Thailand Regional and General Hospital Society has announced that it supports the P4P system. However, before anyone starts popping the champagne corks, it seems they’re referring to ‘pay for performance’ rather than the more popular use of the abbreviation. Something to do with wages in the medical sector, apparently. The chairman of the society said he realised that the system had a lot of pros and cons. So it’s much like any other sort of P4P then. A food safety meeting was recently held with local seafood vendors after statistics revealed that they hospitalised more people than motorcycle accidents. Unfortunately, the gathering quickly broke up in disarray after a brawl started over how seafood vendors involved in motorcycle accidents should be counted in the statistics. Several arrests were made - wonder what statistics they’ll show up in? A temporary monk (so how does that work then?) had a bit of luck last week after winning 44 million baht in the national lottery. He said he planned to use some of his winnings to buy a house for his mother and to make a donation to a local orphanage. He also said he wants to find his long lost father and talk to him. Got a feeling his chances of doing that just got a whole lot better. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap once more for joining our odyssey into the orifices of the old fun factory itself. The beginning of May saw the Tiffany Show Theatre staging the Miss Tiffany Universe 2013 contest, as hundreds of mainly Chinese quality tourists packed the place to the gunnels to witness the usual panorama of poofery that they incomprehensively seem to relish so much. Grubby little ferrets. They give perverts a bad name. Someone should stick some bromide into their chop suey. A Thai bloke was arrested in Jomtien the other Saturday after driving his cement mixing truck into a car while he was pissed as a fart. During his court appearance, the defence said there was no concrete evidence against him but the judge ruled that cement evidence was good enough and sent him to prison for the rest of his life. In another commendable display of honesty, a Thai hotel worker who found a wallet containing personal documents and 2000 baht whilst on his way to work decided to hand it in to police despite being urged to keep it by his friends. Police said that the wallet, the documents and the 20 baht would be returned to the rightful owner as soon as possible. The Angelwitch staff car park doesn’t seem as busy as it used to be… On to bar news now, and the top stories of the month must surely be the impending change of hands of both FLB Bar and The Blues Factory. The times they are a-changin’. In other news, it’s mixed blessings for the uphill gardeners as Jenny Star Bar closes but the word is that Club Blu is to reopen as a ladyboy joint. Super. It’s hello Halo again as the late but unlamented establishment attempts yet another relaunch, and Far East Rock has also reopened after its refurb. And Movida is still shut, though this seems to be its natural state. Police and public officials have begun an investigation after it was reported that illegal farming was taking place in East Pattaya. An official from the Department of National Parks, Wildlife and Plant Conservation (catchy little name) said that those responsible would be tracked down and arrested, as the department’s plans for plant conservation were constantly being thwarted by farmers planting crops on their land. The Thai chappie who broke open a collection box outside a Beach Road shrine in April obviously must have thought he was on to a good thing, so he showed up again last month and did it again. Things didn’t go quite so well for him this time though, as he was unable to break the new lock then a passing motorbike taxi driver split his nostrils open with a boat hook and sat on him until the police arrived. Perhaps they could get a job at Not Living Dolls A Go Go… The Thai government is launching yet another campaign to promote tourism in Thailand. The president of the Tourist Council of Thailand said “The government should emphasise quality and high spending tourists including visitors from China, India and Russia by granting them multiple visas”, a statement which distinguishes itself by simultaneously being grammatically inept, completely incomprehensible and utterly wrong on more levels than the mind can comfortably conceive. A couple of Thai blokes working at Central Festival were killed last week in a bizarre sewer incident. Apparently, one of them noticed a foul smell coming from the car park and, as there were no food vendors in the area, he soon realised that the cause was a blocked sewer. Unfortunately, when they climbed into the pipe to clear it they were overcome by noxious gases emanating from the sewage and both snuffed it. So they’ll go from being in turd to being interred. There was a bit of a punch up last week involving two teenage gangs in East Pattaya, resulting in damage to four motorcycles and, strangely, a ladle snatched from a food vendor and used as a makeshift weapon. A journalist at the scene said this was a big scoop – not something normally associated with a Pattaya food vendor. The two gangs, the four motorcycles, the ladle, the journalist and the food vendor were all taken to the police station and banged up pending further enquiries. Contestants have begun to arrive in Pattaya for the World’s Biggest Humbug Competition… A restaurant owner in Jomtien was shot by a Thai customer last week after he refused to give the man some extra sauce for his meal. Police quickly issued a statement saying that they had obtained information about the incident from a reliable sauce and expected to ketchup with the man very soon. They later apologised for using the restaurant owner’s cookery book to translate their statement into English because the police station’s dictionary had been stolen, along with four damaged motorcycles and a bent ladle. Finally, a couple of Ruskie quality tourists were arrested last Wednesday after being caught stealing hats from a stall in Central Pattaya. In their defence, they claimed that they had no money to buy headwear and were just trying to blend in with the western tourists, who they’d heard were mainly brown hatters and two-week milliners. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us another visit, and welcome to our latest look at the stories that really matter. Well, we don’t have any of those so here’s the usual guff. The Beach Road widening scheme is continuing apace, and we now have lots of nice artist’s impressions of how it will all look when its finished. Don’t know who the artist is, but one would imagine that he’s a surrealist. Some folks have been expressing concern about visiting Thailand and surrounding areas after the recent performances of Nuke Seoul Brother by Fatboy Kim in North Korea. Our advice is to take no notice. After all, when has a blowhard with a stupid haircut ever been a serious threat to anybody? Oh, hang on a minute… A local roast pork vendor has been praised for his honesty after finding a lost bag containing 206,000 baht and returning it to its owner. The man said he found the satchel containing 90,000 baht in cash and a cheque for 106,000 baht on his way home from work and contacted the police, who managed to locate the owner. Nice to know there’s still honest people about. Or so we thought until we did our arithmetic. Scams in Pattaya have reached a new high with thieves now putting up fake ATM kiosks… There was yet another conflagration in Pattaya the other weekend, this time in the shape of a newly opened lift factory which burned to the ground. Guess the place is maximum capacity no persons now. An unusual outbreak of violence took place in Jomtien the other Thursday when two male elephants fought to the death over a female in a local Elephant Park. A worker at the park said it was a shame that an area which had once attracted a nice class of elephant now had to tolerate these sort of mindless scum. The dead elephant later had its tusks removed as it’s supposed to bring good luck – especially to whoever manages to sneak them out the back door. A Thai man was spotted on CCTV a couple of weekends ago emptying the money from a donation box in front of the King Taksin The Great shrine on Beach Road. It was initially thought that the man might have been a religious official, but the fact that he arrived at 11pm, used bolt cutters to open the box and then urinated on the promenade has led some commentators to speculate that this may not in fact have been the case. Well that’s cleared that up… Time for this month’s bar news, and we start with the closures of Club Relaxxx (again) and Papa A Go Go (again), both of which have made more comebacks than Frank Sinatra so don’t write them off just yet. It’s Halo goodbye with the demise of said establishment, and Far East Rock has also closed, but only for renovations. Club Blu has yet to reopen despite its closure order expiring the week before last, and the word is that it’s about to be sold. Angelwitch is set to expand into Soi LK Metro, though it’ll presumably be a new place as it’s unlikely that the existing one could expand quite that far. And we now have a real Coconut Bar on Soi 6, which may be just in time as Beach Road is rapidly becoming the No Coconut Bar thanks to the road-widening scheme. A group of 30 Korean tourists were involved in a speedboat accident off Koh Larn last week, resulting in 18 injuries. This follows a similar incident not long ago involving 472 Chinese tourists. Police are thinking about investigating. Speaking of which, another investigation is under way after a small group of 30 Chinese tourists on a trip to Koh Larn were admitted to hospital after suddenly being taken ill following a visit to a local restaurant. Food poisoning is suspected, as several of the tourists had earlier complained about finding pieces of beef in their rat chow mein. Another traditional British pastime finds its way to Pattaya – the pub quiz… Police raided some commercial premises in South Pattaya the other Monday and confiscated five slot machines. They told the owner that the machines contravened anti-gambling laws as they gave players the chance to win money. However, the man claimed the machines were perfectly legal as nobody had ever won a single baht from any of them. The police accepted his argument but no one likes a smartarse so they arrested him for fraud instead. And if that wasn’t enough, a fairground on Third Road was also raided by police last Monday after reports that certain stalls were allowing patrons to win cuddly toys in exchange for money. Critics of the raid said that stunts like this would just drive cuddly toy dealers underground. Reports that a South Pattaya disco is attracting racist elements have been strenuously denied by the owners. This was confirmed by several patrons of the establishment, one of whom told us “Me and my mates have been in there every night this week and we didn’t notice any racists. Just a load of ragheads and schvartzers”. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes he does. And thank you for being a monkeywatcher.

Greetings monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap as we once again nestle ourselves into the warm bosom of our favourite place to be. Hang on to your hats. Bars have been warned that they face closure if they don’t stick to the official closing times of 2am within the entertainment zone and midnight elsewhere. We’re getting a strange feeling of déjà vu – and we think we may have had it before. Police also said they would be cracking down on drugs and got the ball rolling by arresting one their own officers after finding something untoward in his trousers. Police arrested a Thai bloke in the wee hours of the other Tuesday morning after he turned his car over on the central reservation of Sukhumvit Road. He told police he’d swerved after mistaking the shadow of a tree on the road for a pedestrian. Perhaps not the best defence to use if you’re trying to convince the police that you aren’t pissed out of your mind. It wasn’t and he didn’t because he was. The Thai economy continues to go from strength to strength, no doubt spurred on by the dynamism and drive displayed by its citizens… A German bloke snuffed it in Central Festival last Wednesday after plummeting down six floors from a balcony. Police asked for anyone who knew the man to contact Pattaya Police Station, though it seemed unlikely that anyone would be claiming to have known a pool of goo. Not to be outdone, a Thai lad fell 33 floors off Wongomat Tower while working on the construction site of said erection. Police said the incident was caused by a substandard plank, presumably a reference to the site manager. A Thai chap was arrested at a Flea Market in North Pattaya last week by a police anti-gambling unit for running a stall where people could win prizes by throwing darts at balloons. They informed him that taking money from people in return for gratuities was illegal but he gave them 5,000 baht so they let him off. Don’t know what happened to the fleas. They probably fled. As we all know, Pattaya is a perfectly safe place for holidaymakers. Just ask any doorman… Bar news now, and the raiding season is with us again, the latest victims being Insomnia, Marine, Nui’s Club 2, Naughty Girls, Sugar Sugar and Club Blu, the latter having a 30-day closure order slapped on them. Bit inconvenient if you happened to be staying in one of their rooms. And, as predicted last month, newly opened Movida has already closed down. Guugle has also closed, though word is that it’ll reopen at the end of the month, unlike Baron A Go Go, which looks to have gone for good. Classroom A Go Go has finished with dancers, so no change there then. Soi LK Metro is to give birth to a new Go Go named Crystal Club on the site of the old Lolita’s. Shenanigan’s is being converted into, would you believe, a family pub, obviously something Pattaya is crying out for. But the most surprising news of the month has to be FLB Bar swapping their band for coyote dancers. Good God, whatever next? The Blues Factory turning into a BJ bar? Rescue services were summoned last Wednesday after a monitor lizard was spotted roaming the streets of South Pattaya. A man claiming to be a lizard expert who arrived on the scene said that the recent spell of very warm weather may have induced the creature to come out of its shelter to look for water. Well, if it hangs around for a few more days it won’t have to look too hard. Someone seems to think that there may be a problem with traffic congestion in Pattaya, so a committee has been set up to examine the problem. The first meeting took place last Friday, but nobody showed up as they were all stuck in traffic jams except for one delegate who fell off his bike in South Pattaya after swerving to avoid a monitor lizard. That little branch of McDonald’s on Beach Road doesn’t seem to get too many customers these days… The 12th Pattaya International Music Festival took place a couple of weeks ago and was the usual blend of music, traffic jams and punch ups. Mainly traffic jams and punch ups to be honest. They should’ve gone to the UK for the Status Quo Frantic Four Reunion Tour and listened to some proper music (that’s what I did). Finally, there was a bit of a conflagration on Soi 16 last Thursday after a block of beer bars burned to the ground following an electrical fire. Though it was initially claimed that there were no casualties, it’s been reported that several of the nearby street vendors have added Crispy Arab to their menus. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in once again, and welcome to another month’s voyage to the bottom of the barrel. No doubt as a result of outstanding commercial success of the Avenue Mall, a new shopping centre called the Markland Village Lifestyle Mall is to be built in North Pattaya. Construction is planned to commence shortly and the complex should be completed by the end of this year – and demolished by the end of next year. A Ukrainian quality tourist went berserk in a 7-Eleven store the other Friday after buying some water and nail varnish, which he then used to paint two initials onto the back of an ATM machine for some unfathomable reason. He went on to wave a pair of knives at the bemused staff but calmed down after police arrived and fired a couple of warning shots through his head. It might have been prudent of them to add that they’d prefer monetary contributions… Police were called to a hotel on Naklua Road the other Monday after cleaners found a couple of Turkish tourists unconscious in their adjoining rooms. Both rooms had been ransacked and the safes had mysteriously disappeared from the wardrobes. The men claimed they’d been drugged by a couple of pay as you go girlfriends they’d met by the Dolphin Roundabout and had been robbed of 40, 000 US dollars and 100,000 baht, though some people have suggested that it may be an insurance scam. Well everybody, actually. The boys in brown were having a busy time of it last Wednesday night, with a police raiding party out on the town looking for counterfeit goods and the arrest of 40 ladyboys on Beach Road. Still trying to work out if this was two stories or only one. A strange tale now of a Thai woman who claimed to have found a bag containing 700,000 baht in East Pattaya. Being a public-spirited citizen, she handed the bag in to a police officer stationed at a police box next to the Soi Kao Ta Lo market. The man sent her on her way with the assurance that the bag would be returned to its rightful owner. However, when the woman later returned to check on developments, she said the bag had vanished, along with the police officer. She was unable to identify the officer at either of two identity parades and the police are now saying that the money and the police officer never existed. They did, however, accept that part of her story was true, as after a lengthy search they managed to locate both the police box and the market. Don’t worry if you’re new to Pattaya, as there’s always a handy sign to explain the strange local customs to you… Bar news now, and Walking Street has yet another new Go Go bar, this time in the shape of Glass House A Go Go, though it doesn’t seem to have much in the way of either glass or Go Go. Illusion Club (previously Top Girls) on Soi 14 has reopened as Movida nightclub, and it’ll no doubt be every bit as successful as its previous incarnations. Wonder what it’ll be called next month? It’s apparently Italian owned, so maybe they could try Wop’s Up? Smile Rock Girls A Go Go on Soi 15 has had its teeth polished and is now open again, as is Bada Bing A Go Go on Soi BJ following its own little refurb. Lets hope the girls have been reupholstered as well. Shenanigans Irish Pub has shut down, and will definitely not be reopening under the name of Micks Discotheque as an Irish version of that place at the end of Walking Street. Papa A Go Go has also bitten the dust, though its sister bar next door Papagayo continues to prosper. And MASH A Go Go has a gone gone. Goodbye, farewell and amen. Local authorities in the area seem to be suffering more and more from verbal diarrhoea when it comes to naming their specialist police sub-groups. First we had the Region 2 Child And Women Protection Unit and now we have the Region 2 Intellectual Property Protection Unit, though there’s a rumour going round that they’re both the same bloke. Pattaya now has a new tree specially designed to welcome Russian tourists… Pattaya Sea Rescue Services were called out last Friday after a Thai fellow went for a swim in a local lake after getting pissed as a rat with his chums. He was later found to have drowned and his death was attributed to excess drinking – presumably of the water in the lake. Following the news that a Russian Tourist had found her stolen iPad by using the “Find My iPad” application, girls in local bars have contacted Apple so see if it would be possible to develop a “Find My Penis” app for some of their less well endowed customers. It was a case of “It ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish” after a likely lad of said nationality turned up at the Soi 9 nick to report that he’d had a gold necklace snatched from around his neck by a poof in a dress. The police told him he should get used to local traditions and chucked him out. C’est la vie. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome once again to another month’s rummage in the rucksack of rude. Off we go. It’s been a pretty standard sort of month in Pattaya really. A Pole was pulverised by a propeller (on a speedboat), a Russian was recycled into a rack of ribs (by a motorbike), and a Dane was demolished by a drop (23 floors from a condo block). Add to that the usual spate of shootings, stabbings and muggings and it’s just been business as usual. Still, it’s a great place to bring the family – if you want to go home single. In response to the recent large increase in violent attacks on Russian tourists, police began their 30-day crackdown with a ban on smoking in bars. Their next plan is to eliminate the drugs epidemic with a clampdown on nudity. Actually, there’s been a lot of cynicism about the 30-day crime crackdown and questions asked as to why it won’t be permanent. Well, because it’s easier to do it for 30 days. Okay boys, time’s up, as you were. Even in Pattaya, it’s probably not a good idea to have your wiring done by Baron Frankenstein… A local man was arrested on South Pattaya Road last weekend after a bag was snatched from a tourist on South Pattaya Road. Police said the man had been totally uncooperative, not listening to them or answering their questions, though they conceded that the fact he was deaf and dumb might have had something to do with this. They added that he sure played a mean pinball. A Thai lad with an addiction to western movies was arrested last Wednesday after being caught stealing DVDs from a local 7-Eleven store. Strangely, he was apprehended while still in the store, so next time you go shopping in Pattaya, make sure you get your stuff from the shelf to the till pretty damn quick or you’re liable to be spending the rest of your stay in the monkey house. Police raided Central Festival Pattaya Beach last Wednesday evening and seized three unlicensed arcade machines. The machines were released after being fined 100 baht each and were back plying their trade the following evening. The chief of the Pattaya City Planning Department has finally had his achievements recognised with the presentation of this personalised chair… Not much bar news this month, though we have seen the demise of one of the old institutions of Walking Street, the good ole Dollhouse. However, as usual, there’s another place opening to redress the balance, the lucky bar this time being Sensations A Go Go, which has opened on the site of the old Cavern A Go Go. Oh, and Sapphire A Go Go has acquired a play mat. Nice to see local businesses are still investing heavily in infrastructure. Police seized 160,000 yabba tablets during a raid on local house last week. They apprehended a man on the premises who claimed that he wasn’t a drug dealer but had been to see his doctor and inadvertently picked up a prescription intended for Keith Richards. A Thai country singer was bizarrely arrested at a concert in North Pattaya last Friday for apparently “singing the wrong songs”. Reckon if the Osmonds ever play there they’ll lock the lot of ‘em up and throw the key away. Following the story in England that the remains of King Richard III had been discovered underneath a car park in the city of Leicester, reports have been dismissed that the body of Genghis Khan has been found in the freezer of a convenience store in North Pattaya. Former council member Mr Yuslas Sakkashit was arrested on Beach Road last Friday after being caught cheating in a local fishing contest… City officials have renewed their pledge to upgrade facilities at the Pattaya Youth Sports Center after calling it “a dilapidated embarrassment”, an expression they learned from reading a review of a concert by Cliff Richard. Cliff of course swore he’d never play in Thailand again after an incident on stage in Bangkok a few years ago when he was struck in the left ear by an individual pork pie during the second chorus of “Devil Woman”. A Thai bloke was rushed to hospital in Banglamung the other Tuesday with severe burns after setting fire to his coat after a row with his girlfriend. The lady in question said she took no notice at first as he often wore a smoking jacket or a blazer. Finally, there were fireworks galore in Pattaya last Sunday night when a taxi exploded outside City Hall. The cause of the explosion is still unknown, though it’s believed that shortly before the incident, the driver of the taxi had told an argumentative Muslim passenger to “go stick his head in a pig”. be seeing you monkeyman