monkeyman

It must feel really at home in Pattaya.

A Secrets spinoff maybe?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and welcome to this month’s plunge into the pits of Patts. Chocks away. The debate about how much to give the girls seems to be a popular topic for conversation again. Basically, the uglier you are, the more you have to pay, so if you’re paying upwards of 3000 baht, do us all a favour and wear a bucket over your head. However, if you’re Australian, remember to take it off before you go home or you might be mistaken for Ned Kelly. Wonder how much he used to pay? There’s also been some discussion about what possesses farangs to get up and dance on the poles in Go Go Bars. Well it’s cheaper than buying an “I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER TOSSER” t-shirt and delivers the message just as effectively. A Brit geezer and his Thai wife have come up with a novel way of protecting their East Pattaya home – they’ve employed the services of two geese as watchdogs. Or should that be watchgeese? Whatever, beware of getting too close to their premises or you’re likely to get goosed, though if you’ve ever strolled up Soi 6 you probably know what that feels like already. City Hall has recently received several complaints from tourists about the dangerous screws protruding from the new Beach Road walkway… …so they immediately sent some skilled craftsmen to carry out the necessary remedial work… There have been some hostile comments recently about the increasing numbers of Japanese-only bars operating in Thailand, but it’s gratifying that people with small brains and even smaller dicks can still get something out of life. Like that Japanese bloke who won a smallest dick competition in Bangkok and had a double celebration as he’d won a biggest dick competition in Tokyo only a week earlier. An Israeli quality tourist was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall the other Monday after being caught stealing a woolly hat. At his court appearance he was given a good ticking off by the judge, who concluded, “The prison sentence for this crime is six months – but to you, five and a half”. In the current mood of political unrest in Thailand, it’s been suggested that visitors should refrain from wearing red or yellow shirts as it might get them into trouble. A word of advice though. Don’t wear a pink shirt or you’re likely to get yourself into even more trouble than you bargained for. Two Angelwitch employees were injured last week when their company vehicles crashed during the trip to work… Bar news now, and we begin with Oscars, the latest new Go Go on Soi LK Metro, which opened two weeks last Saturday then promptly closed again the next night. A new record? Well no, it doesn’t beat Movida on Soi 14 that put up the closure notices before it had even opened. Anyway, Oscars reopened the following night so all’s well that ends well. Reopenings seem to be the thing at the moment. Showgirls is back after a much needed refit, as that bizarre layout they had before never really worked. As predicted, the old Baron Club on Soi Diamond has reopened as Cream Club. Well, they say the cream rises to the top. But then so does the scum. And Teazers on Walking Street has reopened as well. Yeah, thought you’d be pleased. Destiny A Go Go, on the other hand, is looking a bit on the dark side for a bar that isn’t on the Darkside, so to speak. Adios. A Swedish tourist had to be rushed to Pattaya Memorial Hospital last week after a bus stop fell on top of him in Jomtien. When questioned about the incident, a City Hall spokesman said “Well, it just wasn’t his day, was it?” It’s still unclear why the man was waiting at the bus stop as the last bus had already left – five years ago. Silly bugger. Pattaya Water Safety Festival week began on Christmas Day. The official who opened the show said 2013 had been a very good year for marine safety in Pattaya as there hadn’t been any accidents or deaths. He then sang three choruses of “Jingle Bells”, dropped his trousers and threw up all over his safety award – a bronze replica of the Koh Larn ferry. A man is being sought by police after complaints from motorists that he had extorted money from them by impersonating a Parking Attendant. Must admit it’s a very convincing impersonation… A beauty parlour in Jomtien was raided by police last week. The raid followed complaints by girls who’d visited the place only to be told by their customers that they should go back and ask for a refund. A man was beaten up with a bank card the other night after swallowing a moto taxi driver’s Maltesers. No, that’s not it. A man was beaten up by Maltese taxi drivers after swallowing his bank card. No, still not right. A Maltese man was beaten up by moto taxi drivers after an ATM swallowed his bank card. Yeah, that’s it. Still doesn’t make any bloody sense though. Finally, a Thai chap had an unfortunate start to the New Year as he went to go home after the night’s celebrations. As he was getting onto his motorbike, the gun he was carrying in his belt accidentally discharged and shot his bollocks off. He was rushed to hospital where a doctor said it was unlikely he’d ever be able to use them again, and police would be investigating further. Perverts. be seeing you monkeyman

The heads were part of teddybear costumes used to promote the opening of Teddy Island in the Markland Village Mall on the corner of Beach Road and Soi 1. Nice place for the kids but a bit on the pricey side.

Great, innit? Even the bloody news is full of repeats now.

I'm still trying to figure out why this story from 2006 has suddenly reappeared on the BBC News website.

It goes on to say "one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears". Perhaps someone should tell them that you're only supposed to use them once.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap and Merry Christmas to you all, and welcome to this month’s Yuletide yobbishness. On with the show. A team of workers from City Hall turned up at the Boutique Hotel in South Pattaya the other week to remove several floors that have been the subject of a demolition order since July. However, they went away scratching their heads after being told by the hotel owner that he wanted them to remove the excess floors from the bottom of the buildings rather than the top. Fortunately, the situation was resolved the next day when the workmen persuaded the owner to agree to a more practical solution to the problem. One of them hit him over the head with a shovel. A drunk monk was questioned by police after he was seen falling about with a bottle of whisky outside a temple in South Pattaya. He told them he’d got pissed after losing 500,000 baht in a lottery, which he suspected to be crooked after discovering that the winning ticket was the only one he hadn’t bought. He was subsequently ordered to disrobe and leave the Monkhood immediately, whereupon he was arrested for indecent exposure. Sometimes it just ain’t your day. Police were called to a Jomtien Restaurant last week after two Indian tourists reported that expensive items had been stolen from their luxury vehicle… A Russian tourism group has threatened to boycott Thailand unless safety is improved for their clients by December. So if Thailand doesn’t put its house in order pretty damn quick, they’ll stop sending planeloads of pissed up scumbags out here to ruin everybody else’s holidays. That’s one hell of a threat. The boycott is from December to March, so get booking now. The 13th Pattaya Traditional Long Boat Tournament took place the weekend before last at Mabprachan Reservoir. Lots of boats took part and none of them sank. Doesn’t sound very traditional at all. A Mr Mohammed Al Mohammed is concerned that his tour group from Pakistan has been collectively described as ‘stinking pigs’, as he understood that this term only applied to Arabs and Indians. The official position seems to be that although the term can theoretically be used to refer to Arabs and anyone from the countries that were formerly part of India, it is usually only applied to residents of modern India and Mr Mohammed and his tour group therefore deserve an apology for any offence that may have been caused. Needless to say, they won’t get one. Stinking pigs. As the Thai bear-hunting season comes to an end, big game hunters show off their trophies on Beach Road… Bar news now, and the “Angelwitch 2” project on Soi LK Metro has finally come to fruition in the shape of Amethyst Club, which opened its doors a couple of weeks ago. Similar concept to Angelwitch, but with the disturbing addition of coyotes. Just across the street, Champagne A Go Go is back in the loop again after its extensive refurb. The former Club Relaxxx on Soi 16 has now reopened as Moonlight A Go Go, and the old Baron A Go Go on Soi Diamond looks set to re-emerge as Cream Club in the near future. Rehab on Soi Buakhao turned out to be terminally ill and finally passed away a couple of weeks ago, as has Tiger Club on Soi Diamond, and Submarine A Go Go looks unlikely to resurface. Saddest news for many old stagers though is the announcement of the final demise of FLB Bar, which is set to close its doors for the last time at the beginning of January. The end of an era and a piece of Pattaya history. Bugger. Two Thai cooks were arrested the other Monday after being caught stealing food from the restaurant where they worked. They claimed that they’d only stolen the food for their own consumption but police refused to believe them after talking to one of their officers who’d eaten in the place. Pattaya’s foremost drug dealer has decided to make his profession more respectable with the opening of his own shops… A couple of tourists have been arrested by police after being caught fighting over a prostitute on Beach Road. Quite understandable. I mean, it’s not easy to find a prostitute in that area of town, is it? The number of Chinese tourists coming to Thailand has dropped dramatically since their government ordered a crackdown on so-called ‘zero dollars tours’. It seems that the term refers to very cheap holidays that have hidden costs and not, as we’d always assumed, to the amount the average Chinese tourist spends in the bars. Finally, it’s been reported that prostitutes have been using a broken transformer box on Beach Road for oral sex. Bet that makes their lips sting a bit. be seeing you monkeyman

Sorry for the delay guys, it's been a bit of a rushed job this month, but it'll be up very shortly. And thanks very much for the kind words. Merry Christmas to you all.

Angelwitch with coyotes. Yeck.

And continental too, as in the loon with the 1000 baht note. Definitely a European, but I couldn't pin down the accent.

I was rather pleased with that one. Glad you all liked it too.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s stories from Soggy City. Well, the weather in Patts has been absolutely spiffing of late, thanks to a tornado, a cyclone, a tropical storm, a plague of frogs and whatever else. If you want to visit the beach now, it’s somewhere out in the Gulf of Thailand. Always wondered where the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse went for their holidays. An Indian tourist turned up at the police station the other day to report an incident at a fast food restaurant a few hours earlier. Apparently, he had complained that his food was cold but the staff weren’t interested. He demanded to speak to the manager, who immediately punched him in the face and tasered his testicles, then dragged him out through the door, threw him onto a pile of rubbish sacks and urinated on him. The police advised the man that it was not their policy to get involved in customer service issues and that he should contact the restaurant’s head office if he felt that the manager hadn’t resolved the original complaint to his complete satisfaction. Construction noise in Pattaya is going from bad to worse. Wherever you are, there always seems to be some prat hammering on a steel pipe, giving you an earful of “dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.” It’s like sitting next to a girl in a go go bar. Pattaya United Football Club have announced that they are to disband at the end of the season after a controversial penalty decision against them started a riot which went on for two hours. Jeez, talk about sore losers. Good job their player wasn’t sent off in the incident or there’d probably have been a military coup. Police were forced to apologise for arresting three men for stealing an ATM kiosk after it turned out that the incriminating CCTV footage had been accidentally played backwards and the men were in fact erecting the structure. The mistake came to light when one of the men was clearly seen to be sucking urine from a wall into his penis. Two of the men were released without charge and the third was taken out the back and given a good kicking for pissing up a hotel wall... Baht buses are becoming a real bloody nightmare these days. One harks back to the halcyon days when all you had to do was stick your hand out and you would be spirited to your destination in the wink of an eye. These days, if you aren’t part of some fuckwit tour group you may as well stick your hand up your arse for all the good it’ll do you. You have to wait until some driver comes along tooting his horn like he’s just had it for his birthday before you’re likely to be going anywhere. And even then, the ordeal continues. A trip down Beach Road the other day took the best part of half an hour. First of all the bus pulls up outside Central Festival, at which point a crowd of Indian imbeciles decide to have a five minute chat with the driver and manage to negotiate a 10 baht fare down to 50 baht. When will these fucktards get it through their thick heads that you don’t have to talk to the driver every time you get on a bloody baht bus? They’re the same in fast food joints. It takes them longer to buy a few burgers than it’d take most people to buy a house. But we digress. Next stop is Mike Shopping Mall where some continental cretin tries to pay his fare with a 1000 baht note. Another five minutes to sort that out. Then came the inevitable traffic jams exacerbated by the Beach Road “improvements”, so the driver then stops to try and pick up a group of people, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they’re the same ones who got off his bus a minute earlier but had overtaken it because they were moving faster than the traffic. Finally got to Walking Street, utterly devoid of the will to live. If you’re in a hurry these days, your best bet is to bloody well walk. A 16-year-old Thai lad has died after consuming 18 litres of holy water that was supposed to be endowed with magical powers during some kind of ritual. Not surprising really – that much Guinness is enough to kill anybody. The family of the victim, who were also involved in the ritual, are said to be the owners of a rubber farm. Presumably they use it to make their own wallpaper. The Thai Government are considering levying a 500 baht entry fee on tourists entering the country, allegedly to help pay the costs of scraping them off the streets when they have a little mishap. Well, that should just about wipe out the weekly budget of the average quality tourist. Officials have decided to separate the more affluent West Pattaya from the seedier East Pattaya with the opening of Checkpoint Cheap Charlie… Bar news now, and once again there’s not been a lot happening, apart from the widely reported managerial musical chairs. Not much sign yet of Champagne reopening or of Angelwitch 2 opening at all, though there are some signs of construction activity going on. Peppermint has closed for a refurb – surprising really, because the place seemed to be doing pretty well as it was. There seems to have been an upsurge of interest in bar crawls of late, with several new ones appearing on internet boards. However, they all seem to be aimed at farangs, so Monkeywatch has decided to organise one for the new breed of quality ethnic visitor now gracing Pattaya. The first ever Stinking Pig Bar Crawl will take place next month, starting in Soi LK Metro. First we’ll be visiting all the 7-Elevens in the area, where we’ve negotiated a special two for the price of one deal, so the group will have not one but two bottles of water to share between them. Then it’s off to Beach Road for a tour of the Family Marts and a stop off at a food cart for a kebab. Remember, it’s one bite each then pass it on. As a special treat, we’ve laid on a Coconut Bar girl for everyone in the group. Her name’s Nit and she’ll be joining us about midnight, so don’t forget to put your name in the hat or you won’t get your turn. Next it’s off to Cheap Charlie’s for a massage, where you can leave your clothes on the floor then lie back and relax while a ladyboy hiding under the bed goes through your pockets. Finally, we round off the night with a trip to the police station, where you can report that ladyboys have robbed you of 500,000 baht, a Rolex watch and an iPad. A night not to be missed for sure. For those of you who don’t know already, there’s a new attraction in Pattaya called Art In Paradise, which describes itself as an interactive art gallery. It basically works like this. You pay your money, take off your shoes and step into the first room, at which point you’re swept off your feet then trampled underfoot by stampeding hordes of Oriental cretins armed with phones, cameras and iPads who are intent on photographing anything that moves and anything that doesn’t. Other than that, it’s quite nice if you like that sort of thing. But then anything’s nice if you like that sort of thing. Here’s a bit of it… There are some things in life that you just instinctively know you shouldn’t do. However, the charms of a delectable lady can break the strongest of wills and so it came to pass – the first visit to a Sushi Bar. Hell’s teeth, it was like eating the stuffing from an old sofa marinated in bilge water from the bottom of a tramp steamer. The ice cream is recommended though, and it does help to get the taste of vomit out of your mouth. A return visit is not predicted. A group of Asian gentlemen were spotted outside a Beach Road restaurant the other afternoon. The studied the menu out front for about five minutes then ventured inside and sat round a table, where they were each presented with a further menu for their perusal. After another ten minutes or so, they called the waiter over and ordered a bottle of water. At this point the manager came over and after a heated exchange, he told them to fuck off or he’d call the police. Another example of what TAT calls quality tourists but the rest of us call stinking potless pigs. It was a case of “don’t put that in your pipe and smoke it” as the boys in brown went on a Shisha bar raiding spree the other night. However, the whole thing turned out to be a ghastly mistake when the officer in charge admitted that he thought he’d been told to go to Walking Street and round up all the hookahs. The owners of the Koh Larn Ferry have reacted angrily to suggestions that their new company song should be Otis Redding’s “Sinking On The Rock Of The Bay”. Finally, after years of painstaking research, we’ve managed to work out why eating Thai food is so good for weight watchers. Most of it gets stuck between your feckin’ teeth. be seeing you monkeyman

I was in PBG when the lightning strike happened. Didn't see anything as they had the shutters down. I just thought it was a very loud clap of thunder. The rain returned at about 3am and carried on for several hours. Much of the Walking Street area ended up under a foot or more of water again. It stopped for a while but kicked off again about 30 minutes ago. Bugger.

The Markland is mainly oriented toward Asian tour groups, though that doesn't necessarily make it a bad place to stay.

I guess it depends on the girl . I got chatting with a Russian girl on a baht bus a few days back and she was really lovely and friendly. Nothing like the hookers in the bars.

Just click on the switch icon in the top left corner of the reply box.

Are the band playing again tonight Martin? I thought they were only doing Fridays.

One bloke last night tried to get to the food before he'd even bought a drink. He didn't get away with it though.

Yes.

It's just a few yards down from the old one. Rolling Stone Bar (forgotten the new name) was really rocking a couple of nights ago. Thai, Russian and Indian hotties all dancing together. Multiculturalism at its best.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to a new batch of boisterous bar banter. A Thai TV soap opera very popular with local viewers has been censored after a group called ‘Muslims For Peace’ threatened to shoot the entire cast and burn the studio to the ground. It seems they were of the opinion that the show cast Muslims in a bad light. Glad they put the record straight. A pub on third Road was burned to the ground the other week after a fire broke out in the storeroom. Police then arrested the owner for breach of a 30-day closure order, saying the place was no longer closed as it didn’t have a door…or walls…or a roof. Suppose they had a point. A female Chinese tourist had a lucky escape a couple of weeks ago after falling through some unsafe railings and down a cliff at Pattaya Viewpoint. Her fall was fortuitously broken by a large pile of rubbish that had been dumped at the bottom of the cliff and she escaped with relatively minor injuries. The medics who attended the accident told her she was a very lucky woman, though she seemed unconvinced that falling through railings and plunging down a cliff into three tons of rotting garbage was a sign of good luck. The Beach Road improvement scheme is still gathering pace. So now we have no seats, no grass, no shade... and since the recent rainstorms, no beach. Going well, isn’t it?.. Some of the lighting towers also look like they might be heading for erectile dysfunction if repairs aren’t forthcoming pretty soon... The jumping season is in full swing again, the latest being a Singaporean from a fifth floor hotel balcony. Holidaymakers are now being warned that the greatest danger they face on a visit to Pattaya is the prospect of being flattened by a plummeting tourist. There was a bit of a stir in South Pattaya a few Thursdays ago when a naked drug-crazed black American quality tourist went berserk inside a 7-Eleven store. A female store assistant gave police a detailed description of the man, though she was unable to remember what his face looked like. A German nutter had to be rescued from the Maprachan Reservoir a couple of weeks back when he went mountain biking in the area and got trapped in the mud. When asked by a reporter if he’d describe the man as a stick in the mud, a rescue worker said “No, I’d describe him as a stupid cunt”. The Mini Moke, a 60s icon and star of the cult TV series “The Prisoner”, visited Pattaya last Friday prior to its relaunch in Thailand next year. The new model looks pretty much the same as the 60s version, though we are promised that it’ll have modern updates. No aircon, but it does have watercon. You just drive it in the rain... Not much in the way of bar news this month. One closure to report, that of Byblos on Soi Diamond. It’s very quiet in the Walking Street bars right now, with some bar owners reporting their worst nights ever. The LK Metro area seems a little more buoyant, though the temporary closure of Champagne is no doubt giving the other bars a bit more custom. Xzone now has Pattaya singer Pleng performing there every Friday night, though her performance is unfortunately confined to singing. Perhaps she should try doing a few numbers on the gyno table so the punters could help her reach the high notes. An East Pattaya fish shop owner had his chips when he was killed in his shop while hosing the place down after a hard day’s graft. It appears that he sprayed water into an electric socket, giving him a shock which rendered him unconscious. The electricity then heated up the water on the floor and he was poached to death. Silly bugger. One of the Pattaya umbrella vendors has just bought herself a new car... A Ukrainian bloke stumbled into Pattaya Police Station last week after escaping from a gang of Thai men who had claimed to be Pattaya Immigration Police. They said if he gave them one million baht they’d release him after a short time. Don’t blame him for doing a runner – even the Russian birds do a short time cheaper than that. An elderly tourist from Malta has said he’ll never visit Pattaya again after being robbed by ladyboys on Beach Road in the early hours of the morning. Yes, that’s how you make a Maltese cross. A tourist board official said this was an unfortunate incident and if the man was serious about not returning to Pattaya then he could “go fuck himself”. He’ll probably have to if goes anywhere else. C’est la vie. be seeing you monkeyman

So how did it go last Friday then? I was going to look in but the weather intervened.

Perhaps she can sing and do a turn on the gyno table at the same time. We may be about to witness a new concept in entertainment.

The bit about FLB perhaps?