monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s toe into the pool that’s Patts. Hold on to your hats. There was a bit of excitement in Jomtien last Monday when it was reported that there had been a 100,000 baht fire in View Talay 1. Sounds like the residents there really do have money to burn. The weekend before last saw the streets of Pattaya being graced by none other than a former Prime Minister who visited Walking Street for a short time, though if that’s what he was after he’d have been better off visiting Soi 6. There was a police raid on an address in South Pattaya last week after a tip off that illegal gambling was taking place on the premises. They arrested 11 people and what appeared to be several stolen ID cards belonging to the same family. Police are currently attempting to locate Mr Bun the Baker and his family so their ID cards can be returned to them. Safe sex is always encouraged in Pattaya. Just be careful you don’t slam your dick in the door… Brits in the London area had a treat at the beginning of the month in the form of a two-day Thai festival in Greenwich Park. Reports say that the whole thing was a complete cock up from start to finish, which at least shows that the organisers went to a lot of trouble to make it feel authentic. Airlines in the UK have decided to impose a ban on you flying if, in their opinion, you are showing symptoms of swine flu such as sweating, high body temperature or showing signs of anxiety. They will, however, let you fly if you can provide another explanation for why you are displaying these symptoms. Like being a suicide bomber perhaps? Looks like Royal Garden Plaza is serious about getting tough with shoplifters… A few changes to report on the bar scene. K A Go Go has knocked another nail in the coffin of Soho Square by closing down, and Club Mirage in Soi Diamond is another recent casualty. Mind you, these little setbacks have been counterbalanced by the opening of Sin City A Go Go and the reopening of Sakura Club 69. As the old saying goes, you just can’t keep a good club down (or a bad one, apparently.) It was reported the other Thursday that a woman in Nongprue had trapped her hand in her meat grinder and damaged two of her fingers. And there was us thinking it only made you go blind. In the interests of sex equality, Pattaya is introducing some new attractions for the ladies… A 15-year-old Thai lad was knocked unconscious by an elephant last week after he tried to feed it some watermelon. Now even for a gourmet elephant that’s just plain bad manners. Finally, here’s the result of the Maprachan Reservoir Fun Run which took place on July 23. Everybody drowned. be seeing you monkeyman

Thread title?

I know it's a crap beer but there's no need to ban it.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this belated edition of Monkeywatch after a lightning strike frazzled most of our electronic jiggery-pokery. Thankfully, things are pretty well back up and running now so, without further ado, here’s this month’s offering. Well, the topic of the moment has got to be the good old swine flu epidemic. Pattaya has obviously done its bit to deal with the problem as there wasn’t a pig to be seen on the streets last night. Some guy has been asking what it would take to open a top class four-star restaurant in Pattaya. Well, more money than sense is the first answer that springs to mind. Look’s like Walking Street’s packed with scrubbers in the daytime now as well… Did you see that British Airways asked their staff to work for free for a month? Still more than the useless buggers are worth if you ask us. They’ll probably spend the whole month on strike. Strange tale of the month has to be the German bloke who died on Soi 6 after swallowing his false teeth. Well, it’s got to be a step up from eating German food. Nearly as strange was the Brit who ran into the sea the other Sunday night to avoid paying his bar bill. It didn’t work though, as he was dragged out of the cold water and now he’s in hot water with the police. An archaeological dig working in Pattaya claim to have unearthed the remains of a long-extinct species. They believe it was called the holidaymaker… Reports say that skeletal remains have been washed up on the beach at Jomtien. Dem bones dem bones dem wet bones? The big story on the bar scene just has to be the closure of Jenny Star Bar. However, players of the pink oboe will be pleased to hear that another bar owner is talking about taking it over, and we’ve heard that she’s a nice feller. Have you seen that Thai bird who appears on Pattaya local TV to teach farangs one word of Thai every day? Well, one good turn deserves another, so Monkeywatch is proud to present its very own English class for Thais and other interested parties. This month’s word is barbecue – the place where you wait your turn for a haircut. This sign has been causing some confusion to tourists who think it’s an advert for the new film ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Cut Ponce’… The word is that Britney Spears is planning to hire an entire Thai resort for a little bash she’s holding. Don’t worry, it’s not Pattaya – not enough blokes I guess. Finally, a thought for the day. You know you’re getting old when you notice you’ve been short-changed in a Go Go. be seeing you monkeyman

The pissed up old slapper should have her passport confiscated.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s poke at Pattaya’s peccadilloes. Let us begin. The other Friday, an event strangely titled “5 Region Thai Travel Fest @ Season of the East” was opened on Pattaya Beach. It was apparently some kind of celebration of Thai culture, which would explain why local businesses had stocked up with chrome poles and bananas. A couple of weekends ago, the Pattaya police conducted an undercover operation which resulted in the arrest of three people and the seizure of a quantity of Class 1 drugs. This was rumoured to have caused great upset to Class 1 who had pooled their pocket money to buy the stuff from a bloke at the school gates. The Tourist Board’s attempts to give Pattaya a more upmarket image seems to be paying off with the arrival of yet another coach load of quality tourists… It was poofs on parade time again in Pattaya on May 15 when the grand final of the 2009 Miss Tiffany Universe Competition took place at the Tiffany Show Theatre (where else). Still, no worse than British television, which hosted a national talent competition at about the same time and the best they could come up with for a winner was a bunch of bloody dwarf hurlers. At the beginning of the month, Tourist Police swooped on South Pattaya and rounded up a number of Uzbekistani ladies of the night and took them to the police station for further questioning. Can’t believe it’s a year since the Chief’s last birthday party. Doesn’t time fly? Here we see the view which inspired the 70s hit record “Thai A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Soaked Tree”… The month of May saw the start of new school year in Pattaya, with all the tears and tantrums that it brings from the children. And from us after one of the little bastards stuffed jelly into our letterbox. Yet another dick biting story to report, this time involving a Belgian chappie who allegedly upset his Thai girlfriend by shagging a few dozen other ladies on the side, so she decided to dismember his member by biting it off. The statements they made to the police didn’t quite match, as he claimed she bit off an inch off his organ but she denied she’d bit it in half. The case continues. There’s been a spot of bar reshuffling as normal. Coyotee’s on Soi Marine Plaza and Mandarin Club on Soi 6 have reopened, and Club Sin City is the latest Go Go to try its luck in the Covent Garden Complex on Soi 16. Unfortunately, the sin element seems to be confined to the price of the drinks. The current world recession has unfortunately resulted in plans for Pattaya’s new International Conference Centre having to be scaled down a bit… A Brit was arrested by police the other Tuesday after being caught stealing a bag of grapes from Tops Supermarket so he could tread them to make his own wine. He offered police a sample from his last attempt but they weren’t impressed and suggested he took his socks off next time. Finally, there was a crowd of people in Bangkok last week waving placards proclaiming ‘Free Aung San Suu Kyi’. Don’t know what it is, but if it’s free you can put us down for half a dozen. be seeing you monkeyman

She keeps comin' back eh Adam? Happy Birthday Lin

Pete, have you ever had a BAD idea? You've done it again mate. Great pitch.

There is a Bobby Friedman working for the BBC and he does have Belfast connections. All you gotta do now is to figure out if the OP is really him.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we embark on our fourth year of bringing you the news you couldn’t give a shit about. Come to think of neither could we. Anyway, here’s some more. Well, the first significant event from the last month was the State Of Emergency in Patts after the invasion of the Red Shirts knocked the ASEAN summit on the head. Actually, the most disturbing facet of this was the emergence of a new group, the blue shirts, as that’s one more colour you can’t wear any more without risking getting bashed over the head with a blunt instrument. There was even a rumour that The Blues Factory was going to play it safe by changing its name to The Greens Factory (it was allegedly going to be The Blacks Factory until they got a phone call from the Ku Klux Klan). There’s a rumour going round that one of the farang Tourist Police Volunteers was recently involved in sting operation to ensnare Russian and Uzbekistani ladies of easy virtue who were plying their trade on Walking Street. If it’s true, the ladies’ employers obviously haven’t had a word with him yet as his horse’s head still seems to on the horse rather than on his pillow. Looks like there’s yet another new political movement in town – the Blue Towels… A guy in Pattaya was recently overheard asking why the girls say “Up to you” so often. Well sir, a rough translation would be “I don’t give a monkey’s bollock as long as you’re paying”. A husband and wife turned up at a Jomtien police station the other Wednesday to file complaints against each other after she tried to bite his dick off because he’d shagged her sister. The officers present refused to help the woman as they considered her to be more than capable of biting off her husband’s wedding tackle without police assistance. A man was arrested on Larn Island last week after being reported by local residents for various instances of theft, fraud, blackmail, extortion and assault. He was taken to Pattaya Police Station where he was charged with impersonating a police officer. As we all know, Pattaya’s a great place to come if you want to find yourself a real dish… It’s been reported that the Bully Convention 2009 which was due to take place in Jomtien on 2 May was cancelled after someone phoned up the organisers and threatened to ‘get them behind the bike sheds’ if it went ahead. There was a bit of a rumpus in Central Pattaya a couple of Thursdays ago after a refuse collector found a live grenade in a green rubbish bin. A council representative said that they were shocked to hear of this as every household had been sent a leaflet expressly instructing them to put all grenades into their black bins. As always, there’s a few movers and shakers on the bar scene. Hell Club is expected to reopen shortly as The Devil’s Den and will have Heaven’s Inn located next door, perhaps for the punters to repent their very recent sins. Activity on Soi 6 includes the opening of two new bars, Soho and Lisa’s, and the anticipated reopening of the Mandarin Club. Kitten Club on Pattayaland 2 has also reopened with the promise of “new water features” (perhaps a few bucketfuls to throw over the customers to keep them awake). The winner of this year’s annual Frog Trampling Contest on Beach Road has still not been declared as the judges are currently engaged in a second recount… The owner of Tiffany’s has been twittering on about the decline of “quality tourists” visiting Pattaya because he can’t get enough of them into his ladyboy shows. We’d put his problem down to a decline in the number of perverts. Finally, we can’t finish without mentioning the latest big tourist issue, swine flu. Some scientists are concerned that it might combine itself with bird flu and create an even deadlier virus. Yeah, and pigs might fly. be seeing you monkeyman

I hope that anyone who found the cash donated it to a good cause, preferably the Monkeyman Freedom From Thirst Fund.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another helping of Pattaya patter as we await the arrival of the dreaded wet season, otherwise known as Songkran. Right, let’s get down to it. There was a bit of a panic the other week in Sattahip when a rubbish collector’s shed caught fire and it spread to 30 wooden houses and a whisky warehouse. Police attending the scene were relieved to report that there were no significant casualties as all the bottles of whisky had been successfully recovered from the charred remains of the village and its population. A couple of weeks ago, a German tourist was found dead in his deckchair looking out to sea. Apparently, he’d been dead for eight hours before anybody noticed. Not sure whether that says more about Germans or Thai deckchair attendants. The local Health Authority claims that there’s an increasing obesity problem in Pattaya due to people driving rather than walking. They may have a point… It’s been reported that monkeys have been catching buses to and from markets where they go to steal food. Very strange. Actually, it might be interesting to know whether they pay 5 or 10 baht on the bus. Then again, it might not. A rubbish tip in Na-Jomtien has been invaded by vast numbers of birds that have decided to settle there so they can feed on the tasty titbits in the refuse. Interestingly, they seem to be ignoring the discarded boxes of Mc Donalds, Pizza Hut and KFC in favour of the abundant supply of worms on the site. All those birds can’t be wrong, so next time you fancy some fast food, get yourself a wormburger. You know it makes sense. A local bar was recently selected by a Dutch company as the venue for the launch of its new novelty sex toy… The ASEAN summit of Asian leaders due to take place from April 10-12 has been switched from Phuket to Pattaya. This is supposedly because of a lack of available hotel rooms in Phuket…or maybe a lack of something else? There’s been the usual shake-ups to the bars, though mainly bad news this month. Hell Club has closed for the time being, and Utopia in the ill-fated Soho Square has also shut its doors, though word has it that a reopening under new management is imminent. Ice Bar in LK Metro has done a spectacular U-turn and reverted back to being a coyote bar. Oh, and Legs A Go Go has been reduced to half its former size. Perhaps they should rename it Douglas Bader A Go Go. Some hotels in Pattaya are offering a new service for some of their more energetic patrons – condoms on a roll… A shirtless tattooed Slovakian slaphead (try saying that when you’re pissed) was arrested by police last week after being seen staggering along Sukhumvit Road waving his passport in the air. He then smashed a car window with his head and fell flat on his face, where he proceeded to thrash around and chuck handfuls of banknotes around while making unintelligible grunting sounds. After a struggle, police managed to capture him and take him to Bangkok-Pattaya Hospital, where he is reported to be undergoing treatment for a severe case of the Brits. Finally, back to Songkran, and in case anybody hasn’t already heard, the proposed alcohol ban for this period has been rejected by the National Committee for Alcohol Consumption Control. So if you’re planning a visit, all you have to worry about now is fighting your way through the hordes of whatever coloured shirts happen to be blockading the airport this time. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dollop of Pattaya prattle straight from the horse’s mouth…. well okay, the monkey’s mouth. Right, off we go. The story of the moment just has to be the new proposal by City Hall to extend the width of the entire length of Beach road by 18 metres and possibly make it two way. This innovative idea could be of great benefit as it would give motorists a choice of two traffic jams to get stuck in after they’ve enjoyed a day relaxing on the remaining six inches of beach. A couple of Wednesdays ago, a bloke turned up at Banglamung Police Station to visit an imprisoned friend and was found to have loads of drugs stuffed in his pockets. His name, appropriately enough, turned out to be Atit, and the police have very kindly agreed to extend his visiting time by a couple of years. If you’re planning to visit Nong Nooch in the near future, be sure to give whatever shit these out a VERY wide berth… There was a strange incident at Bangkok Pattaya Hospital the other Friday when a woman who had been pronounced dead was unexpectedly spotted moving around under the sheet. As this kind of behaviour is generally considered to be inconsistent with death, the doctor reconsidered his initial diagnosis and decided she was alive after all. Shows you what a good doctor he is. A chappie from Brunei had a bit of a shock the other Monday when he returned to his apartment in South Pattaya to discover it had been burgled. He told police he was surprised to be targeted, as he was considered to be a poor man in his country, and was therefore relieved that the thieves only escaped with the 300,000 baht of loose change he had forgotten about in the back pocket of one of his spare pairs of trousers. We recently heard a story that a Chinaman had disappeared after falling foul of the Pattaya Mafia. Well, if he had a hard on at the time I think we might have found him… There was another crime story from last Tuesday involving a woman travelling on a bus to Rayong being allegedly raped by the driver, but we’ve got our doubts. I mean, how would he have been able to collect the fares at the same time? Not much worth reporting on the bar situation this month. Sakura Club 69 and Pinky Girl A Go Go have closed down but, to redress the balance of depravity, Counter Soho has opened in Soho Square and X-Zone 2 is finally with us, having taken over the old Taboo place in the Covent Garden Complex on Soi 16. Deep joy…with any luck. We’d just like to point out that the rumour that John Cleese had been seen in a bar in Soi Buakhow the other Friday is completely untrue. Though it was indeed a long python, it was of the five foot snake variety and had escaped from a construction site, though what the hell it was doing there in the first place remains a mystery. Inspired by the popular `Spot The Ball` competitions, Pattaya is pleased to announce the launch of `Spot The Tits`… The annual Cobra Gold exercises have been carrying on as usual, with a simulated chemical attack being staged at Sattahip Navy Base. The event was a great success and the organisers made a particular point of thanking the local restaurants for providing such a convincing supply of simulated chemical weapons. Finally, instead of banning alcohol over Songkran to reduce road deaths, why not ban the cars and bikes and reduce the figure to nil? Or better still, ban Songkran altogether and give us all us miserable old gits a bloody break. I’ll buy that for a dollar. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we eat our bowls of Credit Crunchies and take a look at how Fun City is carrying on during this recession thingy. The month’s big news event in Pattaya was the opening of the magnificent new Central Festival shopping mall on Beach Road. People have been flocking from all over to witness this spectacular sight, one bar girl even describing it as the most impressive erection she’d ever witnessed - high praise indeed. Mind you, it’s not quite finished yet as they’ve still to attach the trunk and paint it white. A brand spanking new set of traffic lights has been installed on the Sukumvit Road in Central Pattaya in an attempt to improve the flow of traffic in the area. Large numbers of people are expected to benefit from this imaginative scheme, mainly scrap dealers and undertakers. Here we see a gentleman exhibiting that famous traditional Thai artefact, the “Tlay Of Clap”… Following a police reconstruction of a 5 million baht ATM robbery in Jomtien, local officers are now frantically trying to recover the total of 10 million baht which is now missing. The other Monday, police were called to an Exchange Booth on Second Road after staff reported that a Pakistani man had attempted to exchange counterfeit UK bank notes. The man was arrested but later released without charge when he pointed out that on current exchange rates the fake notes were actually worth more than real ones. One of the many sights that must not be missed when visiting Pattaya is “The Tomb Of The Unknown Sunbather”… There’s been a bit of activity on the bar scene as usual. Kitten Club on Pattayaland 2 is currently closed, Absolut Club on Soho Square has also shut its doors and Spicy Girls A Go Go has finally called it a day after 10 years. It’s not all bad news though. First A Go Go has opened on Soi 8 and the appalling Republika Disco on Walking Street has been closed down by the Boys In Brown because of the noise. Well it sure as hell wasn’t music. The week before last saw the staging of the Pattaya Chinese New Year Festival at Bali Hai Port. A variety of festivities were on offer, including a Miss Chinese Girl Beauty Contest, which caused some confusion amongst the local population as the contestants were actually girls. Pattaya authorities have once again shown their determination to stamp out thefts on Beach Road with the installation of this new ultra high tech surveillance camera…oh shit… A couple of weekends ago, a Korean tourist was arrested for using a fake credit card at an opticians in South Pattaya. The man was found to be carrying a total of 14 fake cards, but as the optician told police that he had double vision, they charged him with possession of 28 of the buggers. In an attempt to promote better health among the womenfolk of Pattaya, they are to be offered free screening for cervical cancer, though opposition politicians have dismissed it as a government smear campaign. Finally, if you still don’t know how much you should pay for a baht bus, the answer is 10 baht, or 20 baht if it’s low mileage and comes with a warranty. be seeing you monkeyman

Personal experience, coupled with the current strength of the baht. I didn't think too much about the figure I used but I'd reckon it to be about right at the moment.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and a Happy New Year to one and all (except for that bastard in the corner shop who short-changed me last week). Anyway, here we go again into another fun-packed year of merriment and mayhem. As you all know unless you haven’t been paying attention in class, Thailand has yet another new Prime Minister. As one Thai chap enthusiastically proclaimed, “We change our Prime Ministers as often as we change our underwear”. So that would be about once a year then. A Don’t Drink and Drive Parade was held on Beach Road just before Christmas to remind people of the perils they might face over the festive period. Banners were held aloft to persuade people not to drink and drive, unless of course they were using one of Thailand’s new hands-free drinking kits that allow imbibers to drink their bottle of whisky through a tube and thus keep both hands on the wheel and drive safely. Not to be outdone by Italian and German supercars, Pattaya is proud to unveil its own 16-cylinder dream machine… There’s been a bit of a stir created by the revelation that there’s a lot of fake 1000 baht notes kicking about at the moment. One chap who was caught by police using them to buy a Rolex watch claimed he was innocent of any crime as the watch was fake as well. Both he and the vendor are currently helping police with their truncheon practice. If you’ve made a New Year’s Resolution to learn to speak Thai, consider this. Do you really want to know that when your tilac was whispering sweet nothings in your ear she was actually saying “I hope they drop off and roll down a drain”. You’d have to have bloody long arms to reach all the way up there… As usual, there’s been a few changes on the bar front. Bad Cats on Second Road has followed Ice Bar in giving up the Club Blu clone bit and is now known as the Fall In Love Club. Easyriders in North Pattaya has closed and is rumoured to be the new site for the popular U Too Bar. A new Go Go called Betty Boum has opened on the old Spicy Girls site on Pattayaland 1. Oh, and Walking Street has a new disco called Republica. Yeah, I thought you’d be pleased. For anybody who’s interested, it’s been announced that the Pattaya International Mardi Gras Festival will be taking place on 23 January. For those unfamiliar with the event, it’s just another excuse for a bunch of poofs to dress up as women. Pattaya continues to display its proud heritage with this exquisite sculpture of a girl riding on a cock… There’s been a few questions from newbies recently about how much spending money they need per day in Pattaya. Well, a ballpark figure is about 10,000 baht, which will probably be worth about £3000 by the time you read this, or £4000 if you’re a slow reader. On Christmas Day, police attended a road accident in Jomtien in which the brakes on an ice truck had failed and it had ploughed into a Jeep laden with wine and a Mazda pickup carrying several crates of soda water. The police later described the condition of the ice truck’s brakes as a recipe for disaster and the resultant collision as a recipe for a spritzer. be seeing you monkeyman

Doesn't look like much of a deal even at the discount rates.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, Merry Christmas and welcome as we speak to you from our bunker 500 feet below Bali Hai Pier as we watch events in the Land Of Smiles unfold. The biggest news of the month is that tourist arrivals to Bangkok airports dropped by an unseasonably large 100 per cent recently, even more than expected following the crackdown on Soi 6. This did not, of course, have any effect on tourism as for every tourist who couldn’t get into Thailand there was another who couldn’t get out. However, if you’re still apprehensive about making your next trip, we’ve heard that there are some great deals to be had on flights to Mumbai at the moment. Early in the week, police were called to Kow Mai Geow sub-district to investigate the corpse of a woman who had fallen head first into an open sewer. One of the attending officers suggested that the woman should be interred, to which a representative from the local sanitation department replied that she already was (think about it). Following the repossession of all the trees on Beach Road as reported in Monkeywatch last month, the council has now purchased a mobile tree that can be hired and wheeled to the location of your choice… Bar news includes the opening of Club Mirage in the old Shooters premises on Soi Diamond and the relocation of Insomnia to Walking Street. Good reports seem to be emanating from both establishments. There also seems to be a move from blue light to red light in Soi LK Metro as former Club Blu clone Ice Bar has covered its windows and turned into a Go Go. The astronomers among you may be interested in the phenomenon that was witnessed in Pattaya on Monday night, when the alignment of Venus and Jupiter caused an effect resembling a smiling face. If you were on holiday in Pattaya and missed it, don’t worry, as it will occur again in 2052 so you should have another chance to see it before your flight home arrives. This week also saw the start of the Pattaya worm-hunting season… Police were called on Sunday night after a bomb was found outside a shop on Soi Kow Noi 5. The device was defused by a visiting bomb disposal expert from Mumbai, a Mr ‘Boom’ Singh, who found a note attached to it addressed to the People’s Alliance for Democracy. Not sure what the note said but it probably wasn’t “Have a nice day”. Thai Environment Day was celebrated in Pattaya on December 4. Over 300 people took part in a bicycle ride, during which they collected rubbish from streets all around the city. Council workers are now clearing up 2000 beer cans, 1500 burger boxes and 500 gallons of urine left over from the party held to celebrate the event’s success. Pattaya once again leads the way with the launch of the world’s first disabled surfboard… All hell broke loose on Pattayaland 2 last week when a lost monkey ran through several shops and started slinging all the goods around. It eventually disappeared into a shoe shop and hasn’t been seen since. When questioned, shop owners said they hadn’t bothered reporting the incident as the monkey had behaved better than most of their customers. Finally, December 5 was of course the 81st birthday of His Majesty the King. To date, nobody has made any jokes about this… and we ain’t gonna be the first. Long live the King. be seeing you monkeyman

Very nice pictures, though there's been some staff changes since they were taken.

Nice to see you the other week when I dropped in with Tai. I'm very impressed with PBG. It's got to be Pattaya's biggest success story for some time.

Apologies for the gaffe. Now corrected.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to Loy Krathong as we all have fun floating our scrotes. Well, Pattaya’s still pretty quiet at the moment, apparently because the fear of being blown to buggery in the unrest around Bangkok has resulted in 80 per cent of Asian tourists deciding to stay away. This is believed to have caused Pattaya’s income from tourism to drop by a catastrophic two per cent. Things haven’t been helped by the fact that it’s been pissing down for the last fortnight, so if you’re planning a visit in the near future, make sure you get an umbrella. You can buy them for 100 baht from street vendors or from the Nohab Convenience Store, on a stand between the Kevlar condoms and the Rebecca Adlington comedy noses. Well thanks, but I think we’ll just stick with the barfine for now… There was a Russian bloke in Secrets the other night, a real ‘Mr Cool’, biceps, sunglasses on the top of his head, you know the sort. Walked in and got quite a reaction from the girls, then spent the next half hour chatting up the barman. Well, as they say in England, there’s nowt so queer as folk. Especially Russian folk, it would seem. Better still, there was a bloke spotted in Misty’s toilets last week having what one might politely describe as a solo short time in the Sherman Suite. Well the poor sod did have his girlfriend with him, so that was probably his lot for the night. They never learn, do they? The recent downturn in tourist income has left Pattaya unable to keep up the instalments on its new Beach Road trees, which have now sadly been repossessed… On the entertainment scene, the old Shooters Bar on Soi Diamond has closed and is shortly to reopen as Club Mirage, and several hamsters are now out of work following the closure of Top Girls on Soi 14. It’s been replaced by Illusions, a rather strange place which doesn’t seem to know whether it’s a Go Go or a nightclub. Or a complete waste of space. Nothing much to report on the music scene, other than Insomnia moving from Soi Marine Plaza to Walking Street, though it has been noted on a few Pattaya boards that the well-known children’s entertainer Gary Glitter is to receive £100,000 in royalties for the use of one of his songs in an advertisement. However, it isn’t true that he’s to record a new version of an on old Kate Bush hit entitled ‘The Man With The Child In His Flies’. Pattaya once again displays its pioneering spirit as it launches the world’s first motorised bamboo… As some of you lechers may be aware, the Miss Teen Thailand Competition, which visited Pattaya a couple of weeks ago, has now concluded. The prize for this year’s lucky winner is reputed to be a professional makeover of peroxide, chewing gum and tattoos, together with a complimentary chrome pole to allow her to train for her new profession. Finally, a fake police officer was arrested at Bali Hai Port last week after being found drunk by police patrolling the area. A spokesman later submitted this as positive evidence that the police were determined to crack down on counterfeit goods in Pattaya. be seeing you monkeyman

I'll be there.

I'll have some of that. See you there.