monkeyman

Nice one Paul.

Now that wanker Blair's finally resigned, perhaps the Met will be allowed to do some policing again instead of spending all their time attending health and safety lectures and talks on diversity.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we once again drill into the crevices of Fun City and give them a good filling. Just relax and open wide. The big news of the last month was of course the resignation of Thai Prime Minister Samak Sundaravej after a court ruling that he had violated the constitution by presenting television cookery shows. Gordon Ramsay is reported to have gone into hiding. The recent political turmoil has also resulted in tourist numbers dropping by 70 per cent according to The Thai Tourism Services Association. They went on to outline several urgent actions that were needed to ease the situation, though the Banglamung police had already decided to lend a helping hand by raiding all the bars on Soi 6. A man who was overheard on the beach claiming to be an expert on pedal-powered boats has received an apology from the authorities after an unfortunate misunderstanding led to his arrest for being a pedalophile… Carrefour Shopping Centre had a visit from the police last week after security guards caught a Thai man shoplifting. He had stolen some face cream, a pair of shoes, a bumper sticker and an assortment of household implements. He told the police he needed the items but wouldn’t say what for, so they charged him with being a pervert as well as a shoplifter. Pattaya’s latest eco project is the building of a “crab condominium” to encourage breeding amongst the crab population which has been steadily diminishing of late. Local seafood businesses have welcomed the initiative, which is being promoted with the catchy slogan “If you want crabs, come to Pattaya”. Another marine project currently underway is the provision of artificial coral for the local marine life by submerging piles of old cement pipes. Chinese tour companies have strongly protested at this redeployment of their customers’ holiday accommodation, producing this photo as evidence of the money they’d already spent installing air conditioning and dining facilities… Not much news to report on the bar scene at the moment. The short life of Honey Girls A Go Go (Soi Honey Inn) seems to be over as it’s already up for sale. Bar 77 on Soi Yamoto has just been relaunched as Las Vegas A Go Go. Oh, and there’s a new place open on Soi 6 called Quicky Bar, though further comment seems pointless as the name and location have no doubt told you all you need to know. No exciting developments on the Pattaya music scene either. Still waiting to see what happens to the Lam Morrison(less) House Of Rock as there was some talk of a new musical direction for the place. If it involves booking more indie guest bands like Momokomotion and Assajan Jakawan then it could well be worth a visit. A bloke contacted us the other week claiming to have the biggest chopper in Pattaya. What do you reckon, girls? Police were called to Naklua Road the other Thursday to investigate a burglary in which a nurse had her valuables nicked. Following a tip-off that the burglar had a double-barrelled surname, police issued an arrest warrant for a Mr Shotgun. Finally, a Thai couple in Pattaya recently came up with a novel way of stopping their house being burgled. They surrounded it with small statues of deities, since which time their house has never been broken into, despite several neighbours being the victims of burglaries. The house owner said that the thieves would not proceed beyond his fence because they were frightened by the statues’ mystical powers. He later called the police to report that his fence had been stolen. be seeing you monkeyman

They were also determined to stamp out drugs and street crime. Nuff said?

Never liked silicone anyway.

Might provide some more lucrative targets for the muggers I suppose.

Adam Let me know when you've got some dates for your productions and I'll give them a plug in Monkeywatch.

For rock music, try Easyriders at the North end of 2nd Road near to Drinking Street.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome once more as we watch the sands of time having their deckchairs removed by Pattaya Council. Okay, on with the show. Police were recently called to South Pattaya to investigate reports of a bomb being found behind the Tamsamakee Temple. Explosives experts summoned to the scene confirmed that it was indeed a bomb, probably from the Indochina conflict of the 1940s, which had failed to detonate. The unexploded device has now been handed over to the military so they can locate the manufacturer and ask for their money back. On 10 August, 2,000 monks and 100,000 civilians assembled outside Pattaya City Hall to take part in the eagerly awaited mass merit-making ceremony. It was later reported that the bottom had fallen out of the merit market due to over supply. A seminar was held at Pattaya City Hall at the beginning of last month to educate pupils from 10 schools on what global warming is. They were later taken to a farm and shown a load of bullocks. Despite the crackdown on drugs in Pattaya, coke dealers can still be seen operating openly on Beach Road… If you’re a fan of Club Blu and its carbon copy, Ice Bar, two more blue-tinted clones have emerged in the form of Dream’s Bar on Soi 8 and Bad Cat on Second Road. You’ve gotta hand it to the boys in Blu, they’re shaping up to be the most imitated act since Elvis. Other new bars opening their doors include Air Port Club on Walking Street and 77 Bar on Soi Yamoto. Fancy yourself as the next Hendrix or Clapton? Then get your butt over to The Blues Factory in Soi Lucky Star, where aspiring rock and blues megastars can take part in jam nights once or twice a week. Just to put your minds at rest, we’re reliably informed that erstwhile Pattaya visitor Simon Cowell has been banned from the premises for life, presumably for crimes against humanity. Rumours that a hotel in Pattaya has been harbouring fugitives from justice have been strongly denied by the owner, though he did give us a friendly wave… Two Pattaya chaps, a shopkeeper and a garage owner, are claiming to be the inventors of a revolutionary new system that uses water for powering vehicles. Sorry fellers, but it’s been done already. It’s called a steam engine. Firefighters were called out to a huge fire three weeks ago at the Pattaya Cane Company, a furniture factory on Sukhumvit Road. The Indian manager, Mr Deep Doodu, said that all the furniture stocks had been completely destroyed, along with a new line of expensive suits they were planning to sell, though they were now offering a large selection of blazers and smoking jackets. The Friday before last, the Tourist Police arrested a bloke with a wooden penis after he whipped the offending article out of his pocket and thrust it at a Thai woman’s mouth. He turned out to be an Italian and not, as the police had first suspected, the former Nottingham Forest footballer Tony Woodcock. Pattaya is becoming more and more popular with trendy Russians these days, and their 4x4s are now becoming a regular sight on Beach Road… Thailand’s first observation satellite, THEOS, had its launch scrubbed for the third time on August 6. Apparently, they’re having difficulty finding a big enough milk bottle to launch it from. Police arrested a Thai chap on Third Road last week after he smashed up a phone booth. When questioned, he told the attending officers that the signal from the phone was disrupting his brain cells. His story was confirmed when further enquiries revealed that he was planning to get rich by opening a Go Go Bar. be seeing you monkeyman

They are now. Pete's fixed them.

Very good idea. All you need now is a printer who can spell Pattaya.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we once more shine our torch up the rectum of Fun City and find…well, this. A Thai bloke was arrested the other Monday after being caught on CCTV stealing brass hose attachments to the value of 50,000 baht from the Royal Garden Plaza. When questioned by police, he explained that he needed the items to secure a length of hose to the inside of his boxer shorts as he was currently working as a Tom Jones impersonator in a local hotel. Walking Street has acquired a brand spanking new set of parking regulations, so now you can’t park on the left side of the street on even days and the right side on odd days. This idea was actually nicked from The Who, who told us in their song ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ that “a parking on the left is now a parking on the right, and the beers have all grown stronger overnight”. Pity they forgot to nick the last bit. Undesirable visitors to Pattaya seem to be coming from further and further afield with reports coming in of little green men threatening tourists with their sophisticated extraterrestrial weaponry… And now, a strange story. Nongprue Municipality is reportedly cleaning out some of its water tanks in order to beat droughts in the remote areas that they serve. So how does that work then? Is tank cleaning the Thai version of a rain dance? And now, an even stranger story. Did you hear about the monk who was found by police in a Pattaya hotel room stark bollock naked and performing some kind of black magic ritual over the genitalia of an equally naked middle-aged woman? Well, it really happened. That’s why you didn’t read about it in the tabloids. Nice to see that at least one of the girls who worked at the old Amazon A Go Go has found another job… A police raid last Saturday night on Sunee Plaza, or Poofs’ Paradise as it’s known locally, netted a total of 80 underage bar workers, including a 15 year old boy working as a dancer and a skinny 8 year old working as a toothpick. On the music scene, we’re sad to report that Elvis has left the Boathouse following the death on July 19 of ‘Elvis’ Ballard, the much loved Elvis impersonator who was well known for his performances at the Captains Corner Restaurant and the Jomtien Boathouse. As a result, a special Elvis Tribute Night is being organised. Hang on, shouldn’t that be an Elvis Tribute Tribute Night? Now that MP3 players have been with us for a while, it’s easy to forget how much more compact they are than the previous generation of players available in Pattaya… Not many movers and shakers worth reporting on the bar scene this month. A new coyote bar called Ice has opened in Soi LK Metro on the site of the defunct Gorkle Club A Go Go, and Angels A Go Go on Walking Street has finally run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. Yeah, we were gutted too(!) Last Saturday night, the boys in brown arrested a bloke in the Nong Bow Restaurant and charged him with impersonating a police officer. Apparently, he’d gone into the restaurant claiming to be an officer of the law and demanded free food and booze, so the owner called the police and had him arrested. We’re still trying to work out what gave him away, as it sounds like a faultless performance to us. Besides, there was a bloke in a karaoke bar over the road impersonating Freddie Mercury and he didn’t even get a ticking off. be seeing you monkeyman

Me too. Sponge cake, innit?

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s look at the city where the sun of a beach is always waiting for you. We begin with a strange tale concerning the arrest in Pattaya Market last weekend of three men for impersonating monks. Well actually they really were monks, or at least they had been monks until three days before when they were defrocked and became ex-monks, so when they were arrested they weren’t monks anymore so they were in fact charged with pretending to be the monks they’d previously been. Well, that’s that cleared up then. The Ruskies have announced that they’re to ban foreign toys and Valentine’s Day in order to protect their youth from moral corruption by the West. They’re presumably not bothered about the East, judging by the fact that Pattaya is overrun with the little buggers at the moment. The official statement proclaims, “The essence of freedom is that there should be moral restrictions - that is what freedom is”. Sounds like their dictionaries are about as good as their cars. Many visitors to Pattaya have devised cunning plans to preserve their anonymity. This resourceful chappie, for instance, has cleverly disguised himself as a chimney to avoid detection… If you’re looking for some cheap furniture, the newly opened Thanakorn Furniture Shop in Jomtien is offering discounts of up to 50 per cent on a variety of items for both home and business. Just the ticket for all you Cheap Chair-lies out there. Bar news includes Rock Girls A Go Go closing then reopening as Smile A Go Go, and the old Mistys A Go Go on Soi Pattayaland 2 rising like a phoenix from the ashes to become Legs Club A Go Go. Surprisingly, the latter will still feature girls, even though they’re now officially listed as an endangered species in the area. On the music scene, it’s been rumoured that Lam Morrison is to return to The Blues Factory shortly, having left the rock bar that bears his name. In another momentous move, the FLB Bar has finally succumbed and got a new house band who are neither ugly nor brothers. They aren’t bad and they’re not too loud either, so if you don’t want your ears syringed by Lam Morrison and the like, they may be right up your street – as long as it happens to be Walking Street. Or if you’re a blues freak and happen to be in Bangkok on a Friday or Saturday evening, you could do worse than visiting Tokyo Joe’s on Sukhumvit Soi 26 and having a listen to the Soi Dog Blues Band. Nice. Preparations are well underway for the Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society’s ambitious production of ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’… You’ll doubtless be excited to hear that the Eighth Futsal Competition is taking place between June 28 and July 27 in Mike Shopping Mall, so get yourself a futsal, give it a polish and get it down there pronto for a chance to win 10,000 baht. No, we don’t know what the futsal they’re on about either. A circumcision ceremony for children took place recently at the Yamee-oon Islam Mosque in Central Pattaya, which explains what that young Muslim lad meant when he told us he’d lost his pullover. Police raided two South Pattaya restaurants the other weekend and took away eight illegal Burmese immigrants. Two of them were being used as waiters and the other six as ingredients. Those of you who’ve been thinking of going into business in Pattaya will be pleased to hear that do-it-yourself beer bar kits are now available for purchase on Beach Road… A seminar was held at the Royal Cliff Resort a couple of weeks ago to celebrate World Environment Day, at which a government representative announced their full support for the production and use of ethanol. Someone should tell ‘em that most of the bars in Pattaya have been selling it for years. Finally, City Hall has come up with a ground breaking new plan to reduce the amount of litter in Pattaya. They’re going to give pointed sticks to the blind. be seeing you monkeyman

So kids have prior memory associated with dolphins? Weirdos.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to Pattaya midsummer madness as the March Hare disappears into his favourite orifice. Let us go forth and do likewise. Police arrested a young Thai chappie the other Thursday morning after he nicked a fire truck and crashed it into an unsuspecting tree. He told the arresting officers that he only did it because he wanted to be on television and it was better than auditioning for American Idol. It probably required more talent as well. Twenty street vendors were arrested on Walking Street last weekend following alleged complaints by tourists about their somewhat aggressive marketing techniques. Several of the vendors were found to be carrying armfuls of flowers and were frogmarched to the police station where they were charged with armed shrubbery. The rest, who had been asking to take pictures of tourists, were charged with possession of hardcore photography. This sculpture on Beach Road is said to be an abstract impression of The Osmonds, but we looked at a photo of them and couldn’t tell the difference… Last weekend also saw the arrival in Pattaya of the English football team Manchester City. The team, owned by the ex-Thai Prime Minister and managed by the ex-England coach, was reportedly in the city for a spot of sightseeing as well as running football training sessions for local youths and other interested parties. However, police kept a watchful eye following a tip-off that some of the other interested parties seemed to be more interested in the local youths than in the football training. Local residents have been getting a bit hot under the collar about a factory in Banglamung which is allegedly emitting foul odours and causing them headaches and skin rashes. They said that if they wanted to experience these kinds of effects they’d just drink the local whisky. Friday saw the crowning at the Tiffany Theatre of Miss Tiffany Universe 2008, when judges selected the winner from the 30 “ladies” who had made it through to the final. The judges were of the opinion that this year’s contestants were of an even higher standard than last year, and who are we to argue with such an esteemed collection of professional perverts? Pattaya welcomes yet another celebrity visitor with the return to the city of Oliver Stone. No, sorry, it's Oliver Plastic Bag… Good news on the bar front, with the successful launches of the Pattaya Beer Garden and the relocated Club Mistys. Less happy times however for Voodoo A Go Go and Tramps Showbar, both of which are now reported by passers-by to be as dark as a gorilla’s goolies. Babydolls a Go Go is now under new management, though first reports indicate that it’s business as usual so there’s no need to panic on that score. If you just can’t get through the day without banging your head to “Smoke On The Water”, there are now over 50 bars and clubs now offering live music in Pattaya. Much of this falls into the classic rock/blues category, though The Lam Morrison House Of Rock has been more adventurous on occasions and presented original music, mainly from the small but enthusiastic Bangkok indie/underground scene. Recent offerings have included Bangkok underground rockers Assajan Jakawan and an excellent night of Velvet Underground classics performed by Gene Mahasamut and Momokomotion. Keep an eye out for their gigs next time you’re passing through Bangkok. They’re all recording artists too, so if you enjoy their performances you can race straight round to the nearest record shop and stand outside like a prat because the shops don’t open at 2 o’clock in the morning. Not to be outdone in the technology stakes, Pattaya launches its own version of YouTube… On May 22, hundreds of local residents made their way to City Hall for eye tests that were supposed to result in them being given free spectacles. Apparently, none of them qualified because they were able see well enough to find the test centre, and the only ones to receive the freebie specs were a baht bus driver who crashed into City Hall and a man who fell off the end of Bali Hai Pier looking for the examination room. Finally, there was a report last week of an incident where the offices of a tour operator were broken into and 100,000 baht in cash was stolen. Money being stolen from a tour operator? That’s a bit like a man biting a dog isn’t it? be seeing you monkeyman

Nice one Ricky. Keep things nice and dirty.

Best suggestion I can make is that you carry on where David left off. I think he'd got it pretty well sorted.

Dirty little git.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Second Anniversary Edition in another alcohol-free month from Pattaya Lite. The other night, a naked Korean bloke was caught wandering around the streets of Pattaya. He was reported to have a bottle of sun tan lotion and a chrome whistle tied to his dick. On being arrested, he allegedly told police that he’d been to a fancy dress party as Dongtan Police Station. The closing stages of the battle to be the new Mayor of Pattaya took a strange turn when one of the candidates set up a platform in Walking Street at 3am and started spouting off his policies at bar workers as they came out of their respective establishments. He reckoned that this was a good time to address these workers as they normally sleep during the day. Just like the construction workers on Soi 1. There was a meeting of police officers at City Hall a couple of weeks ago to discuss the continuing problem with crime in Pattaya. Those attending were told to ensure that crimes involving foreign tourists were resolved quickly as it was the job of the police to create a good image for the city. They were then told to ensure that all bars stayed closed for the following two weekends. Bit of a dilemma, eh chaps? Monkeywatch has finally obtained proof that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills did indeed visit Pattaya for their honeymoon… Police raided an unlicensed pharmacy in North Pattaya last week and confiscated over 700 packs of Cialis and Viagra. On being arrested, the shop owner pleaded for leniency, claiming that things had been getting very hard for him recently. The evidence held by the police would certainly seem to support his story. The annual crocodile egg eating competition took place on May 1 at Pattaya Crocodile Farm, in which prizes are awarded to the contestants who can eat 10 crocodile eggs in the quickest time. The prizes of 10,000 and 5,000 baht were both won by Thai tourists, though their victory was short lived as one of the crocodiles managed to escape and proceeded to devour both winning contestants. The organisers apologised for this small mishap and awarded first prize to the crocodile as it was judged to have eaten the 20 eggs contained within the hapless participants. If you dream of large green erections, these guys on Beach Road might be just what you’re looking for… On the bar scene, another Go Go has bitten the dust, namely Gorkle Club on Soi LK Metro. No doubt it’ll be sadly missed by those who used to frequent the place (whoever they were). It’s been rumoured that the owners sold the place to pay for a barfine at Sisterz, so they must have got a bloody good price. The ladies at V20 are now barfineable, though we’d recommend avoiding the girls in the small bar if you don’t want to have your assets frozen. X Zone in the Covent Garden Complex has been sold, though the former owners are planning to open a new Go Go on Walking Street, so you’ll no doubt be able to go there and look up old friends, so to speak. To find out what a Pattaya lady’s idea of a “hansum man” really is, Monkeywatch invited local girls to submit a photo of their ideal partner. Here’s the winner… For the budding thespians among you, a new theatrical club has just been formed in Pattaya. The group, known as the Pattaya Players, are intending to organise regular shows at the Bangkok Pattaya Hospital. They already have three plays scheduled for May, these being “The Monkey’s Paw”, “The Last Leaf” and “Final Dress Rehearsal”. Unfortunately, their planned re-enactment of The Battle Of Pearl Harbour has had to be postponed because of water shortages. In order to help local Thai youngsters avoid ending up in nasty jobs, a camp has been organised for pre-college level students to introduce them to the world of hotel management. This follows the success of a similar event last year, marred only by an incident when it was discovered that one of the youth leaders had been inviting some of the younger boys back to his room to look at his new video camera. Then the organisers found out that he didn’t actually own a video camera and he was sent to prison. A bit harsh that, sending a bloke to prison just because he doesn’t own a camera. be seeing you monkeyman

Yep, much better than Red Ken.

Only one number to vote for...

Looks like a winner all the way. Count me in.

What's the problem? Sounds like authentic British pub grub to me.