monkeyman

Me too. Sponge cake, innit?

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month’s look at the city where the sun of a beach is always waiting for you. We begin with a strange tale concerning the arrest in Pattaya Market last weekend of three men for impersonating monks. Well actually they really were monks, or at least they had been monks until three days before when they were defrocked and became ex-monks, so when they were arrested they weren’t monks anymore so they were in fact charged with pretending to be the monks they’d previously been. Well, that’s that cleared up then. The Ruskies have announced that they’re to ban foreign toys and Valentine’s Day in order to protect their youth from moral corruption by the West. They’re presumably not bothered about the East, judging by the fact that Pattaya is overrun with the little buggers at the moment. The official statement proclaims, “The essence of freedom is that there should be moral restrictions - that is what freedom is”. Sounds like their dictionaries are about as good as their cars. Many visitors to Pattaya have devised cunning plans to preserve their anonymity. This resourceful chappie, for instance, has cleverly disguised himself as a chimney to avoid detection… If you’re looking for some cheap furniture, the newly opened Thanakorn Furniture Shop in Jomtien is offering discounts of up to 50 per cent on a variety of items for both home and business. Just the ticket for all you Cheap Chair-lies out there. Bar news includes Rock Girls A Go Go closing then reopening as Smile A Go Go, and the old Mistys A Go Go on Soi Pattayaland 2 rising like a phoenix from the ashes to become Legs Club A Go Go. Surprisingly, the latter will still feature girls, even though they’re now officially listed as an endangered species in the area. On the music scene, it’s been rumoured that Lam Morrison is to return to The Blues Factory shortly, having left the rock bar that bears his name. In another momentous move, the FLB Bar has finally succumbed and got a new house band who are neither ugly nor brothers. They aren’t bad and they’re not too loud either, so if you don’t want your ears syringed by Lam Morrison and the like, they may be right up your street – as long as it happens to be Walking Street. Or if you’re a blues freak and happen to be in Bangkok on a Friday or Saturday evening, you could do worse than visiting Tokyo Joe’s on Sukhumvit Soi 26 and having a listen to the Soi Dog Blues Band. Nice. Preparations are well underway for the Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society’s ambitious production of ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’… You’ll doubtless be excited to hear that the Eighth Futsal Competition is taking place between June 28 and July 27 in Mike Shopping Mall, so get yourself a futsal, give it a polish and get it down there pronto for a chance to win 10,000 baht. No, we don’t know what the futsal they’re on about either. A circumcision ceremony for children took place recently at the Yamee-oon Islam Mosque in Central Pattaya, which explains what that young Muslim lad meant when he told us he’d lost his pullover. Police raided two South Pattaya restaurants the other weekend and took away eight illegal Burmese immigrants. Two of them were being used as waiters and the other six as ingredients. Those of you who’ve been thinking of going into business in Pattaya will be pleased to hear that do-it-yourself beer bar kits are now available for purchase on Beach Road… A seminar was held at the Royal Cliff Resort a couple of weeks ago to celebrate World Environment Day, at which a government representative announced their full support for the production and use of ethanol. Someone should tell ‘em that most of the bars in Pattaya have been selling it for years. Finally, City Hall has come up with a ground breaking new plan to reduce the amount of litter in Pattaya. They’re going to give pointed sticks to the blind. be seeing you monkeyman

So kids have prior memory associated with dolphins? Weirdos.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to Pattaya midsummer madness as the March Hare disappears into his favourite orifice. Let us go forth and do likewise. Police arrested a young Thai chappie the other Thursday morning after he nicked a fire truck and crashed it into an unsuspecting tree. He told the arresting officers that he only did it because he wanted to be on television and it was better than auditioning for American Idol. It probably required more talent as well. Twenty street vendors were arrested on Walking Street last weekend following alleged complaints by tourists about their somewhat aggressive marketing techniques. Several of the vendors were found to be carrying armfuls of flowers and were frogmarched to the police station where they were charged with armed shrubbery. The rest, who had been asking to take pictures of tourists, were charged with possession of hardcore photography. This sculpture on Beach Road is said to be an abstract impression of The Osmonds, but we looked at a photo of them and couldn’t tell the difference… Last weekend also saw the arrival in Pattaya of the English football team Manchester City. The team, owned by the ex-Thai Prime Minister and managed by the ex-England coach, was reportedly in the city for a spot of sightseeing as well as running football training sessions for local youths and other interested parties. However, police kept a watchful eye following a tip-off that some of the other interested parties seemed to be more interested in the local youths than in the football training. Local residents have been getting a bit hot under the collar about a factory in Banglamung which is allegedly emitting foul odours and causing them headaches and skin rashes. They said that if they wanted to experience these kinds of effects they’d just drink the local whisky. Friday saw the crowning at the Tiffany Theatre of Miss Tiffany Universe 2008, when judges selected the winner from the 30 “ladies” who had made it through to the final. The judges were of the opinion that this year’s contestants were of an even higher standard than last year, and who are we to argue with such an esteemed collection of professional perverts? Pattaya welcomes yet another celebrity visitor with the return to the city of Oliver Stone. No, sorry, it's Oliver Plastic Bag… Good news on the bar front, with the successful launches of the Pattaya Beer Garden and the relocated Club Mistys. Less happy times however for Voodoo A Go Go and Tramps Showbar, both of which are now reported by passers-by to be as dark as a gorilla’s goolies. Babydolls a Go Go is now under new management, though first reports indicate that it’s business as usual so there’s no need to panic on that score. If you just can’t get through the day without banging your head to “Smoke On The Water”, there are now over 50 bars and clubs now offering live music in Pattaya. Much of this falls into the classic rock/blues category, though The Lam Morrison House Of Rock has been more adventurous on occasions and presented original music, mainly from the small but enthusiastic Bangkok indie/underground scene. Recent offerings have included Bangkok underground rockers Assajan Jakawan and an excellent night of Velvet Underground classics performed by Gene Mahasamut and Momokomotion. Keep an eye out for their gigs next time you’re passing through Bangkok. They’re all recording artists too, so if you enjoy their performances you can race straight round to the nearest record shop and stand outside like a prat because the shops don’t open at 2 o’clock in the morning. Not to be outdone in the technology stakes, Pattaya launches its own version of YouTube… On May 22, hundreds of local residents made their way to City Hall for eye tests that were supposed to result in them being given free spectacles. Apparently, none of them qualified because they were able see well enough to find the test centre, and the only ones to receive the freebie specs were a baht bus driver who crashed into City Hall and a man who fell off the end of Bali Hai Pier looking for the examination room. Finally, there was a report last week of an incident where the offices of a tour operator were broken into and 100,000 baht in cash was stolen. Money being stolen from a tour operator? That’s a bit like a man biting a dog isn’t it? be seeing you monkeyman

Nice one Ricky. Keep things nice and dirty.

Best suggestion I can make is that you carry on where David left off. I think he'd got it pretty well sorted.

Dirty little git.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our Second Anniversary Edition in another alcohol-free month from Pattaya Lite. The other night, a naked Korean bloke was caught wandering around the streets of Pattaya. He was reported to have a bottle of sun tan lotion and a chrome whistle tied to his dick. On being arrested, he allegedly told police that he’d been to a fancy dress party as Dongtan Police Station. The closing stages of the battle to be the new Mayor of Pattaya took a strange turn when one of the candidates set up a platform in Walking Street at 3am and started spouting off his policies at bar workers as they came out of their respective establishments. He reckoned that this was a good time to address these workers as they normally sleep during the day. Just like the construction workers on Soi 1. There was a meeting of police officers at City Hall a couple of weeks ago to discuss the continuing problem with crime in Pattaya. Those attending were told to ensure that crimes involving foreign tourists were resolved quickly as it was the job of the police to create a good image for the city. They were then told to ensure that all bars stayed closed for the following two weekends. Bit of a dilemma, eh chaps? Monkeywatch has finally obtained proof that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills did indeed visit Pattaya for their honeymoon… Police raided an unlicensed pharmacy in North Pattaya last week and confiscated over 700 packs of Cialis and Viagra. On being arrested, the shop owner pleaded for leniency, claiming that things had been getting very hard for him recently. The evidence held by the police would certainly seem to support his story. The annual crocodile egg eating competition took place on May 1 at Pattaya Crocodile Farm, in which prizes are awarded to the contestants who can eat 10 crocodile eggs in the quickest time. The prizes of 10,000 and 5,000 baht were both won by Thai tourists, though their victory was short lived as one of the crocodiles managed to escape and proceeded to devour both winning contestants. The organisers apologised for this small mishap and awarded first prize to the crocodile as it was judged to have eaten the 20 eggs contained within the hapless participants. If you dream of large green erections, these guys on Beach Road might be just what you’re looking for… On the bar scene, another Go Go has bitten the dust, namely Gorkle Club on Soi LK Metro. No doubt it’ll be sadly missed by those who used to frequent the place (whoever they were). It’s been rumoured that the owners sold the place to pay for a barfine at Sisterz, so they must have got a bloody good price. The ladies at V20 are now barfineable, though we’d recommend avoiding the girls in the small bar if you don’t want to have your assets frozen. X Zone in the Covent Garden Complex has been sold, though the former owners are planning to open a new Go Go on Walking Street, so you’ll no doubt be able to go there and look up old friends, so to speak. To find out what a Pattaya lady’s idea of a “hansum man” really is, Monkeywatch invited local girls to submit a photo of their ideal partner. Here’s the winner… For the budding thespians among you, a new theatrical club has just been formed in Pattaya. The group, known as the Pattaya Players, are intending to organise regular shows at the Bangkok Pattaya Hospital. They already have three plays scheduled for May, these being “The Monkey’s Paw”, “The Last Leaf” and “Final Dress Rehearsal”. Unfortunately, their planned re-enactment of The Battle Of Pearl Harbour has had to be postponed because of water shortages. In order to help local Thai youngsters avoid ending up in nasty jobs, a camp has been organised for pre-college level students to introduce them to the world of hotel management. This follows the success of a similar event last year, marred only by an incident when it was discovered that one of the youth leaders had been inviting some of the younger boys back to his room to look at his new video camera. Then the organisers found out that he didn’t actually own a video camera and he was sent to prison. A bit harsh that, sending a bloke to prison just because he doesn’t own a camera. be seeing you monkeyman

Yep, much better than Red Ken.

Only one number to vote for...

Looks like a winner all the way. Count me in.

What's the problem? Sounds like authentic British pub grub to me.

So now we know what Lam Morrison gets up to during the day.

The interiors of the 747s have been revamped and are now the same as the 777s.

You wouldn't be far wrong.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another slice of Pattaya pizza with extra cheese. Well, the 2am closing directive is still with us. The Interior Ministry has decided that closing everything down at this time is the way to reduce crime, though we’re not entirely convinced that the best way to make life more difficult for criminals is to switch off all the city’s lights at the earliest opportunity. Seems that Pattaya City Council aren’t convinced either, as they’ve passed a unanimous resolution to extend closing times to 4am and have submitted it to the Interior Ministry for consideration. Good on yer, lads. When you’re in a baht bus going down Beach Road, don’t you just love it when some cretinous newbie flags it down to ask how much the fare is to Walking Street, then takes Christ knows how long to barter the price down from 100 baht to 50 baht. Oh that we could all possess such high-powered negotiating skills. Prats. It’s red faces all round for the Brits who took the piss out of the Thais for the mess surrounding the opening of Suvarnabhumi Airport. It now looks like a masterpiece of strategic planning compared to the ongoing fiasco at Heathrow’s Terminal 5. Latest news at Heathrow is that they’ve shipped all the backlog of luggage to Milan for sorting, which is really handy if you happen to live in Surrey. Guess things must be pretty desperate. When you have to turn to the Italians to get something organised you’re in DEEP shit. Due to overcrowding problems, a number of discotheques have decided that farang women will no longer be allowed into their premises. Five Buddhist monks were arrested near Big C last weekend for doing things that monks shouldn’t be doing with ladies of dubious virtue. The police took the gentlemen in question to a senior monk who immediately had them disrobed. Unfortunately, they didn’t wait for the police to leave before doing this and the temple has now been closed for 30 days for permitting showing on the premises. There’s been the usual bit of a bit of shuffling around on the entertainment scene. Taboo on Soi Covent Garden has closed its doors, as has Rock Girls on Soi 15, though I think we can manage to contain our grief over those two. Champagne on Soi LK Metro is also currently closed but is reckoned to be reopening shortly. The most surprising news, however, is that Angelwitch is to be converted into a temple. The owner apparently agreed to sell it to a local sect, planning permission was granted, and the deal was signed on the first of April. Unfortunately, this will result in the closure of all the other Go Gos in Soi 15 as they will now fall within the new temple’s legal exclusion zone which forbids entertainment venues to be situated within 200 metres of religious establishments. Looks like some bar in North Pattaya has decided that their shows need to aim a bit higher than the rest. Last week, special copyright officers raided a discotheque on Walking Street and found that the DJ had a large number of counterfeit CDs in his possession. He was taken to the police station, where it was discovered that he too was counterfeit and the arresting officers also turned out to be bogus. Further investigation revealed that the discotheque itself was a fake and was in fact a pet shop. A monkey with no sense of religious propriety was recently spotted stealing offerings of food that had been laid out on a shrine on Laem Pujao Mountain. This is believed to be the first time a primate has been caught stealing food from a religious site since a funeral in Ireland in 1999 when the Archbishop of Canterbury was spotted on CCTV blagging a pork pie and a bottle of brown ale from the top of Oliver Reed’s coffin. Police were called to a beach in Naklua after an elephant went berserk and attacked a local woman. She was apparently giving food to the elephant when it unexpectedly gave her a good going over. It was an hour before the elephant’s master was able to calm it down, after which he was taken away by the police. He claimed the elephant became agitated because its food was late and not as ordered. The police said that there was no excuse for violence as this was standard practice in most Pattaya restaurants. They then impounded the elephant and charged its master with “being a complete bastard”. We’re sure the botanists among you will be able to identify this tree on Beach Road. A pussy willow perhaps? A team of veterinarians recently paid a visit to Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens to check out the establishment’s large collection of rabbits for any signs of disease. Good idea. You just can’t get the little buggers to use condoms. A woman was arrested outside Naklua Market last weekend after reports that she had stolen a gas cooker. Must have made one hell of a bulge under her coat. Finally, a drunken German molesting a girl near Soi Yamoto in the early hours of the other morning had a shock when he was attacked by a ladyboy brandishing a beach umbrella. So he started off arseholed and ended up parasoled. be seeing you monkeyman

It's three years old now and is a nice place to stay, though a little pricey.

Usually random photos that look like they may have a potential gag in them. The blurb comes later.

I do it because there may be a queue at the airport, and I don't do queues.

Basically, don't do it. You can insult them if you get it wrong, though they probably wouldn't take offence. Much better to respond with an appropriate gesture from your own culture IMO. (perhaps not this one )

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales of derring-do, or derring-don’t if the police are watching. The other Saturday, an American tourist was approached by two men claiming to be Police Volunteers and asked to hand over his cash and jewellery. When he politely declined this tempting offer, they gave him a right good kicking and made off with the 6000 baht in his shorts. Apparently, he reckoned they weren’t real Police Volunteers. Buggered if we know how he came to that conclusion. Speaking of thieving, a couple of Chinese blokes were arrested a few evenings ago for pick-pocketing from tourists at the Alcazar and Tiffany theatres. This followed a complaint to a security guard by two men claiming that there were items missing from their trousers. There was a delay in informing the police as the guard initially misunderstood and thought that the men were after jobs as performers. Other criminal activity included the American arrested on Pattaya Klang for selling sex-enhancement drugs. He denied the charge, claiming that he only sold the drugs to elderly men to stop them pissing on their shoes (they should have charged him with plagiarism as well). Here we can see two contestants limbering up for the fourth annual Pattaya Puking Contest… They will, as always, be competing for the prestigious Vomitfest Trophy, currently on display on Beach Road… A couple of new Go Gos to report. Rocket A Go Go has opened in Soi Diamond and Honey Girls A Go Go in Soi Honey. The latter had some very comely wenches on its opening night, but it transpired they had all the lookers on a rather short contract. One night, to be precise. In a bold move to relaunch itself with an exciting new image, Blue Lagoon 2 has moved its door from the right to the left hand side of the bar. It’s certainly increased their custom, as there’s still six piss artists in there bouncing off the right hand wall trying to get out. The authorities did a quick tour of inspection around the Walking Street bars the other Wednesday to check that there were no employees under 18 working there. The only one they found was a monkey holding a tin cup, who was subsequently charged with being underage and demanding money with menaces. If you ever get lost in Pattaya, it’s comforting to know that there’s always a handy sign to let you know exactly which area you’re currently in… Some interestingly titled news stories have surfaced in Pattaya recently, including “The Price Of Pork Skyrockets” (do you really need to know how much a rocket made of pork costs?) and “Ladyboy Thief Released Without Charge” (somebody’s been stealing ladyboys?) For those of you thinking of taking your Thai girl to live in the UK, they’re getting a bit fussy about whom they let in these days. To apply for British citizenship, they have to learn to speak good English before applying for the “next stage”, whatever that is. Being able to recite the Koran, probably. A quick update for you UK readers on the earthquake you had a few days ago. Turns out it was just John Prescott falling down the stairs. For those of you new to Pattaya, this is the infamous area known as ‘Buoystown’… And now, a public service announcement. Roadworks will begin shortly along the whole of Soi 17 in South Pattaya in order to replace some old drainage pipes. As this is likely to cause major traffic problems, the works are to be given the highest priority and should be completed within the next 150 years. Finally, the owner of British football club Manchester City arrived in Thailand on Thursday, whereupon he was immediately arrested and thrown into jail. They must have mistaken him for the England manager. A parting thought. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. be seeing you monkeyman

I resent that! I only invade in low season!

Brace yourselves for another shit fight.

Hopefully to be followed by the cretinous louts that have started to invade Pattaya every high season.