monkeyman

How about compromising and just upgrading to PL for the outbound trip? You don't need it so much on the return flight as it's not overnight.

Could be a new show in here somewhere.

Oh I see. So they're telling us that increasing taxes lowers carbon emissions. Just think. If they doubled income tax and VAT they could save the whole bloody planet.

Best way to reduce the cost is to trade in your return ticket for a single.

Jeez fellas, give the guy a break. It's not like you're going to be worse off than before if you don't take the offer up. It's just a new option if you want it.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and a Cool Yule to one and all. Right, let’s see what Santa’s got in his sack (or should that be sac?) The Deputy Mayor of Pattaya announced at a meeting a couple of weeks ago that 85 CCTVs had been installed around the city in an effort to combat crime. Big Buddha is watching you. Thailand's Ministry of Culture is issuing a regulation prohibiting female students aged under 20 from becoming Coyote Girls. Nice to see they’re tackling the real issues facing the country head on. In a proud moment for the city, local dignitaries this week revealed that Pattaya has been chosen for the launch of Thailand’s first attempt to break into the supercar market. There’s been a few comments made about the Climax Bar having a guy sitting outside the bog and charging the outrageous sum of five baht before you can go in and take a leak. Guess they figure that piss taking is a two-way street. Let that be a warning unto ye. Representatives from the Cambodian government have been visiting Pattaya as they plan to use the city as a model for tourism back in their country. On announcement of this news, shares in chrome pole manufacturing companies were said to have hit an all-time high. Construction of Pattaya’s first ever rollercoaster was abandoned last weekend after it was discovered that the construction workers didn’t know the difference between metres and millimetres. A signwriting company were also in hot water after misspelling signs made for a meeting of the Asia Paediatric Society at a well-known Pattaya hotel. The error was apparently discovered when two delegates were caught trying to persuade the maids to dress up as schoolgirls. The wonderful Pattaya Mail has done it again, with a fascinating story about a Thai guy caught stealing women’s underwear from washing lines, published under the heading “Police Briefs”. So now we know what’s going on under those uniforms. Always thought they walked a bit funny. Speaking of which, the new Chief of Police had just announced that he was going to get tough on crime when it was reported that a Deputy Police’s Chief’s car had been broken into while he was attending a police party. Good start, dude. He won’t be too pleased about this vandal attack on the Pattaya Swiss Cheese Monument either. Tourists who were worried about reports of an oil slick hitting Pattaya Bay have been assured that the story isn’t true and that Tony Blair has no plans to visit the area. A message for the guy who was asking if anybody knew how he could avoid paying the 1000 baht joiner fee at his hotel. Simple. Either spend your whole holiday wanking or stay somewhere else. Finally, a word of advice. If you don’t want anybody to know you’ve spent the night with a fat bar girl, don’t offer to give her a lift home. A parting thought. If you kill something with six legs, are you guilty of insecticide? be seeing you monkeyman

Right hand side of Walking Street by Soi Happy. You can't miss it. Nice to see an old tradition revived. Long may it endure.

If they have a problem, they can go into Board Settings and switch the avatars off.

Thanks for the kind words fellers. The November edition's a bit further down the list if you haven't seen it already.

It's a pain in the bloody arse if you want to get anywhere in the evenings.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as we stick another beady eye against the keyhole of Pattaya and have a look at what the butler really saw. The Deputy Mayor returned home from a jaunt to Seoul the other week and proclaimed that the Korean tourist market is showing good potential for Pattaya, but asked for stricter safety measures for water sports because many Korean tourists had been injured in the past. Suppose that means they’ll have to wear goggles in future when they get the girls to piss on them. Looks like the little buggers are still banned from the Hard Rock Café though. Following an article in a local newspaper entitled ‘Police Bring In Iron Bar Attackers’, a spokesman for the Pattaya police said he would like to make it clear that this was an arrest and not an intake of new recruits. In a move that will no doubt inspire confidence in us all, twenty-two Pattaya traders have been presented with plaques signifying that they have passed food safety and hygiene standards at a ceremony led by Mr Uttalee Krappatit, a member of Pattaya City Council. They will now all be entered into a prize draw for a complimentary stomach pump. There’s been some criticism of the newly opened Baby Electric Blue by punters who reckon the place is too small, so they’re thinking of moving into these more spacious premises. Here’s a strange story. A couple of Indian Tourists were reported to have been found unconscious in a Pattaya hotel room. The report said that inside the room were condoms, cans of beer and tablets, which were thought to have contributed towards the men’s state of unconsciousness. So how did the condoms contribute then? If you’re looking for the ideal souvenir of your trip to Pattaya, why not take home one of these “Build Your Own Baht Bus” kits, now obtainable from unlicensed traders all along Beach Road. Remember, folks, these are not available in the shops. First we had the SUV on our roads, now we’ve got the SEV. Last week, the “Sex Education Van” made an impromptu visit to Pattaya. They decided to park it in the middle of Soi 6 because for some reason they’d got it into their heads that one or two of the bars may have been the site of the odd casual sexual encounter. Its main aim is to spread the word when it comes to the practice of safe sex. Well, yes, we can think of one or two words that might fit. They’ve also announced that the van will visit the street on a regular basis and will be distributing free condoms. Guess you can all go out and buy smaller suitcases for your next trip then. Police were called a couple of weeks ago after it was reported that a bloke from a Chinese tour party had gone missing. There were subsequently a few rumours that someone had done him in and buried the body, a theory also supported by Monkeywatch. What do you reckon to this then? An organisation called Empower Foundation has decided to teach go-go dancing. Empower boss Chunderwiper Apesuck (well it sounded like that) said several types of dancing courses such as ballroom dancing have been provided in other non-formal education centres. Can’t wait to see the girls trying to tango on a chrome pole. The new owner of the Sandy Spring hotel has announced that it will henceforth be known by the abbreviated name of “SS”. Here’s a nice snap of him welcoming some newly arrived guests. And finally, inspired by the competition being run by Pattaya City Hall to design a monument to the King, Monkeywatch has decided to hold its own competition for the best monument to honour our old mate Toxin. Here’s our entry. Feel free to post your own. A parting thought. If you get bored waiting for your flight home, you can always pass the time counting the cracks in the new runways. be seeing you monkeyman

And indeed why should you be? It's not necessarily a convincing argument. Cause and effect. The fact that climate change is occurring doesn't mean that it's attributable to global warming, and this theory certainly hasn't been proven beyond all reasonable doubt. Think hidden agendas.

You can bet your bottom dollar that there'll be a load of vacuous non-smoking windbags queuing to get on board just so they can whine about it.

Perhaps "Non-Smokers Fuck Off" would be a more promising advertising pitch.

It's okay. Lack of hot food is the only real drawback.

So what would that be called then?

Greetings once more, Monkeywatchers, and welcome another dose of myth and folklore from the legendary land of Funtasia. The media are making a big thing of the problems with squatters in Thailand at the moment. They highlighted a particular case where a chap from Bangkok went to America for a few days and load of blokes broke into his house and took up residence. They weren’t poor folk either, as they were all said to be sporting the latest design in combat trousers. Shocking, it was. They drove their big green off-roaders all over his nice lawn and even got a few of their mates to stand outside to make sure that nobody could chuck them out and change the locks. Don’t know what the world’s coming to these days. Pattaya’s got its own problems with bad behaviour as well, of course, as can be witnessed by this drunken lout urinating in the swimming pool of a local hotel. Gangs of monkeymen have also been seen causing trouble outside Big C in North Pattaya. Following the somewhat damp weather, the authorities would like to assure visitors that Underwater World Pattaya is an ocean aquarium and not the new name for Walking Street. Here’s an unexpected bit of news for you - Beach Road’s been dug up again. It’s all in a good cause, of course, and several exciting new tourist attractions have now been installed. The first is a series of reproductions of famous Thai works of sculpture that now line Beach Road following their official unveiling by the head of Pattaya Council, Mr Yuslas Sakkashit. Here we can see a copy of the renowned work “Hand Job”. The classic “Do You Have Any Smaller Chopsticks?” And the legendary “Testicles of Rama”. The Mini Siam franchise is also spreading along Beach Road with the opening of “Mini Sahara” ….and “Mini England”. Pattaya City Hall recently hosted a seminar for a group of school students to discuss male and female sexuality, and to inform them of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. They were particularly warned about the dangers of anal sex, which was described to them as “anal vice”. This unfortunately caused confusion among some of the students who had thought this to be a song from ‘The Sound Of Music’. In keeping with their reputation as good employers, the bosses at Angelwitch have just sent us this picture of their newly opened staff car park. Looks like it’s time to chuck your MP3 and MP4 players in the bin, as Monkeywatch has obtained an exclusive picture of the next generation player, which was spotted by an eagle eyed photographer near Soi 5 the other day. In the best traditions of ethnic diversity, a bunch of plucky investors opened the new Pattaya al-Qaeda Hotel last week. Here it can be seen awaiting guests for the opening party. …and here it is again, the morning after the festivities. The owners said the party was a “lively affair” but regret that they won’t be taking any further bookings for the next two years. We can’t close without bidding a fond farewell to the legendary Mok after centuries of unbroken service at FLB Bar. Ah, that warm greeting of hers, when she’d turn you upside down and shake you by the ankles till enough money fell out of your pockets to buy her a drink. You’ll be missed, darlin’. A final thought. Should the correct name for a sex offenders’ register be an encyclopaedophile? be seeing you monkeyman

I believe you have to eat the stewardesses.

Nice to meet you last week. Best of luck with the move.

Greetings once more, Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the first Technicolor 3D Cinemascope edition of Monkeywatch. Or to put it another way, there’s a few pics in it. Right, here’s this month’s rundown of the latest Funtown frolics. The boys in brown have been taking a tough line on drink-driving recently, so visitors would be well advised to stay within the prescribed limits when taking to the highway. However, as the current drink-drive limit is 32 bottles of Singha, three bottles of Mekhong whisky and a gallon of paint stripper, this shouldn’t prove to be too much of a daunting task for the average tourist. These gentlemen were recently spotted getting ready to attach a barcode to the FLB Bar so that anyone who wants to buy the place can just take it straight to the nearest checkout and pay for it. Can’t wait to watch ‘em try to get it in a bag. There was a bit of excitement the other week when a huge missile was reportedly spotted lying in a restaurant garden in Pattaya. The projectile, which was 1.5 metres long and weighed in at 20 kg was reported to the police, who rushed to the scene and proceeded to shoot at it until it was completely destroyed, much to the dismay of the restaurant owner who claimed that it was in fact the first piece of a giant Tom Jones statue that he was erecting to attract customers. He declined to say which part of the statue it was, but the police figured it out for themselves and he was promptly arrested and charged with constructing a statue with intent to cause a breach of the peace. To add insult to injury, it looks like somebody’s nicked his idea as well, as several people spotted this first part of a George Michael statue arriving in town. If you care to wander past a karaoke bar in Pattaya’s Arab quarter, you can usually guarantee to be treated to some of the most appalling noises ever inflicted on the human race. Some of these lunkheads are reckoned to have won karaoke contests, but the general consensus is that they aren’t even good enough to come last. They’ve also helped to fuel speculation that these bars are being used as training camps for suicide singers. Speaking of Arabs, a report has just come out saying that more of them are moving to this area because they felt less welcome in Europe and America due to issues related to terrorism. Well, I guess that’s understandable, as we all know how welcome they are in Pattaya. About as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. If that wasn’t bad enough, there was a rumour going round that there might be an attempted massacre at Alzheimers A Go Go. The plan was apparently to get a terrorist group to infiltrate the house band and force them to play an up-tempo number, resulting in an unimaginable loss of life among the farang punters. Here’s a recent pic of the place. In what’s presumably an attempt to impress somebody or other, Pattaya City Council has given the go-ahead for the construction of a 91-storey condominium tower on Jomtien Beach Road, which will give them the almost slightly amazing reputation of having the world’s tallest residential building. Critics of this enviable erection include the Immigration Authorities, who are concerned that it will attract hordes of end-it-all jumpers whose visas may expire before they hit the ground. Just remember to keep looking up as you walk past, eh? There was a spot of drama on Second Road a few days back when a bloke was carried out of Kiss Food And Drink with his tongue hanging out, his eyeballs on stalks and his face changing colour every two seconds. However, after a few hearty slaps on the back, he recovered and told the gathering crowd that it was “just some food that had gone down the wrong way”. As he was eating as Kiss, I guess he must have meant that it went into his stomach. Police were called to the Tepprasit Market a couple of Saturdays ago after reports that a Thai bloke was exposing himself to female market-goers. He must have got plenty of sun on the offending body part before being arrested, as first reports said that he was taken to where else but the Dongtan Police sub-station. You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you? Sadly, it turned out to be a spelling mistake, as you can see. However, it did prompt some remarks about sexism, so it’s now been decided to name the building “Pussytal” on alternate weeks. And when the US Navy are in town, the place will be known as “Don’t Ask, Dongtal” (ask a Yank to explain it to you.) Speaking of which, there’s been a lot of talk about the young Brit poove who minced into Pattaya Police Station and reported that he was shaken down for money by one of their fellow officers during a visit to Boyztown. It’s been suggested that he shouldn’t return to Pattaya unless he wants to become a late poove, but all he needs to do is become a ladyboy, then the local plod won’t recognise him and he’ll probably get a lot more blokes as well. Mentioning no names, obviously. You know, we’re always hearing from the young blokes that they never pay for pussy when they’re in Pattaya. I guess that explains why they never get any. The Mayor and his team recently visited the road construction works at Soi Paniad Chang 8, where a new road is being built. The mayor asked to speak with residents in the soi to find out whether their health was being affected by the construction, so obliging officials have made the necessary arrangements and the séance will be held next month. Pattaya these days has a much greater international appeal, with parties of holidaymakers coming from further and further afield. Here we see an Irish tour bus parked on Beach Road. The glorious Pattaya Mail had a headline the other week informing us that “Gambling den operated under noses of police patrols”. Bloody clever that, disguising a gambling den as a moustache. Not to be outdone, Pattaya City News came up with “Tourist Police arrest three ladyboys after beach theft”. I wonder where they’ve hidden it? And remember, if everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the fuck’s going on. be seeing you monkeyman (Thanx to Soi 7 for pix 1/3/4)

The seats in Evergreen were a lot better than Elite, though Elite has a better entertainment system.

Neat site. One more for the Favourites.

Quite a few sites on the net selling luggage now have a special section for flight bags that meet the new regulations.

Could be, so the best idea is to keep the door key with you and to go back to your room through the car park on Soi 2. That way you won't be seen by either reception.

It's 16cm rather than 15cm (could make a difference). Haven't been through it myself, but I get the impression that all bags are being measured. I'm sure some kind soul can enlighten us both on this, as I'd like to know as well.