monkeyman

Nong Nooch, if you don't mind waiting till later for the dinner.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to Christmas at Fun City, when you won’t even get a room in a stable unless you booked three months in advance. Right, off we go. The Tiffany Show Theatre on Second Road recently hosted the 4th Annual Miss International Queen Final, which is basically a bunch of poofs from 24 different countries dressing up as tarts and poncing up and down a stage for a few hours. Guess this must be the sort of good wholesome family entertainment they’re always telling us that Pattaya should be putting on. While we’re on the subject, a katoey from Laos was arrested a couple of weeks ago for being in possession of 600 yabba tablets. When questioned, he reportedly said that he was planning to sell them to fund his operation so that next time he was carrying illegal goods he’d have more places to hide them. In preparation for Pattaya’s annual Christmas Scrooge Week, last Wednesday saw the arrival in town of the favourite to win this year’s ‘Biggest Humbug’ competition. An unusual story recently emerged from the Reung Yoong Tong Village in Sattahip, where residents have devised an ingenious way of stopping stray dogs pissing outside their houses. They put plastic bottles full of water around the perimeter and when a dog comes for a piddle, he eyes his own reflection, which he thinks to be a hostile animal, and off he goes. Hence the expression “Yoong Tong piddle eye go” (if you’re under 50, ask your dad to explain it to you). It’s been rumoured that a few Go Go owners are thinking of trying it out to see if it works on Chinese tourists. It’s been revealed that City Hall has given 4 million baht to the Tourist Authority of Thailand to promote Pattaya after a survey revealed that the most young Thai tourists come to the city for the late night entertainment. The campaign, known as “Pattaya 3 Months Non-Stop Fun”, will run until the end of the year in order to promote the benefits of the city’s late night entertainment venues and other fun activities. Unfortunately, this intrepid venture was unveiled at just about the same time as the boys in brown were closing all the bars at 1pm and it was announced that fireworks would be banned for Loy Krathong. You really need to get your heads together on this one, boys. Pattaya has a new sponsor for its beach umbrellas, presumably as a goodwill gesture for the large amount of business generated for them by Beach Road food vendors. A new racing event to be staged this year was the Bang Saen Thailand Speed Festival, which took place between the 11th and 14th of November. We don’t have much information on the event, though we understand that it was won by a monk leaving a Go Go bar during a police raid. On the nightlife scene, Climax Bar is living up to its name by changing into a Go Go, and there’s a new Gothic themed Go Go on Soi BJ enigmatically named ‘The E’. Both are now apparently German owned, so if they advertise a Christmas goose it’s more likely to be a dance routine than a buffet. The other Saturday night, three Thai lads were arrested after a complaint from a Beach Road freelancer that she’d agreed a price with one of them but they ’d tried to force her into a three on one for the same fee. Police decided that they should be given a warning and that each should pay a small fine. One of the cheeky chappies allegedly suggested that they should pay one fine between the three of them, but was politely asked to withdraw his proposal as a truncheon inserted into the rectum often offends. And now, we proudly present Pattaya Paradise, Fun City’s newest shopping complex. Er, well actually, the authorities stopped them building it so they put up this nice picture of it instead. Seems like an ideal place to get your weekly shopping (well, a picture of it anyway). This month’s strange tale comes from Sattahip and concerns a curiosity known as the Elephant Tree, so called because of an elephant-like shape at the bottom of the trunk. Locals live in fear of the tree, claiming to have seen elephant ghosts walking around it at night, and so make offerings of bananas to it during the day. A local official said they didn’t reckon that ghostly elephants were in the tree, but were pretty sure that the locals were out of theirs. And finally, Pattaya medics received an emergency call the other night to treat a Thai man who became seriously ill after being bitten by a large centipede. Better than getting a kicking from it, eh matey? be seeing you monkeyman (Thanks to Soi 7 for pic 3)

You get turned on by a BG moaning cos some bloke only gave her 500 baht for a LT?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more virulent verbiage and venomous vitriol as we venture victoriously into the once verdant village that is now the vigorous and vibrant Pattaya. Hugo Weaving, eat your bloody heart out. Right, here’s a few fireworks. Firstly, in a shameless piece of self-publicity, Monkeywatch is pleased to announce its inclusion in the pages of the Walking Street Journal, a newly launched publication available absolutely free from various moderately disreputable establishments around the Pattaya area. Apologies to those of you who are reading Monkeywatch in said publication, as you’d probably figured this out already. Doh. City Hall has approved plans for a second Walking Street in Pattaya. Walking Street Old Town, as it is to be called, will be situated in Naklua and will consist of 80 premises selling locally produced items. Well, if Issan counts as local, it sounds pretty much the same as the current Walking Street. Police raided an apartment in Soi Buakaow last week, arresting a 75 year-old Brit and seizing 100,000 indecent photos from his room. Now what’s the world coming to when a chap can’t even take a few snaps at his birthday party without having his collar felt by the local plod? There’s also been an increase in law enforcement activity on the beach, as this hapless jet skier found out when he was booked for parking on a double yellow lobster. The British government certainly seems to be trying hard to make visiting Thais feel at home, appointing ministers like Stephen Ladyman and Kate Hoey. There’s one called Ed Balls too, but that might be sending out the wrong message. On the entertainment front, Lollipop A Go Go is shaping up to be the latest addition to the Walking Street line up and should be opening its doors for business shortly. The rumour is that if you turn up on the opening night you’ll get a free lollipop. Nice idea – let’s hope it catches on at Climax Bar. As part of their themed entertainment evenings, The Royal Cruise Hotel has introduced a special Cannibals Night. If you decide to give it a try, don’t order the Adult unless you’ve got a really big appetite, as most punters end up leaving half of it on the side of the plate. Strange story of the month has to be the dead cow that was discovered inside a drainpipe in Nongprue. The owner said she had been unsuccessfully searching for the animal since it went missing three days previously. Sounds reasonable, I guess. After all, if your cow goes missing, your first thought isn’t “Let’s look for it in a drainpipe”, is it? Last week, Pattaya Mail carried a story with the headline “City Sends Official To Bomb Emergency Training Course”. We wondered what that loud bang was the other day. Sadly, some of the staff who used to work at the long departed Marilyn A Go Go have still not been able to find alternative employment and are now freelancing on Beach Road. The annual Underwater Clean-Up at Koh Larn began on 27th October in preparation for the high season. Very laudable, we’re sure, but how do you wash something that’s underwater? Finally, a sexually transmitted diseases seminar was held a few days ago in the Public Health Building in Soi Buakaow. A visiting expert gave a talk on the range of diseases and the best ways of preventing them, after which the audience got up and gave him the clap he so richly deserved. be seeing you monkeyman

It should be directly underneath the URL option.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dollop of essential information for bawdy boardies and trendy tourists. Well, Fun City seems to be awash with newbies at the moment for some reason. You know the sort, all “Patt-eye-a” and “Core coon crap”, and giving everybody a wai which, roughly translated, means that they aren’t fit to clean the shoes of a shoe cleaner. You’ve got to love them though, haven’t you? No, you’re right, you bloody well haven’t. Tossers. There’s a rumour going round that Alcazar is to host a performance by the transsexual tribute artist Katoey Stevens to promote his new single ‘Ladyboy D’Arbanville’, the follow up to his first recording, ‘I’m Gonna Get Me A Bum’. For those of your who don’t know, this act is a tribute to Cat Stevens, the Brit singer who had many hits with songs such as ‘Matthew and Son’, ‘Father and Son’, ‘Steptoe and Son’, that sort of stuff. The Pattaya Photography Club has declared this picture the winner of their “Most Outstanding Erection In Pattaya” competition - mainly because all the other entries were disqualified and later impounded by the police. A survey was carried out recently asking the girls in Pattaya what they enjoyed most about young farang blokes, to which most of them replied “laughing at their shorts”. We’ll spare the blushes of you older fellers by not reporting what it was about you that made them laugh the most. For those of you into Go Gos, the newly opened Sisterz on Walking Street is well worth a look. Don’t go in when you’re too pissed though, as the entrance is like Hampton Court maze. As we’ve already had a go at newbies this issue, it’s only fitting that we attempt to redress the balance, so here’s a little help for anyone taking their first faltering steps with the Thai language. If you hear a Thai come out with something like any of the below, they’re probably trying to tell you the following: “Showaddy crap” – “I’m not a keen devotee of 70’s British glam rock bands” “Mai pen rait” –“My ballpoint is functioning within normal operational parameters” “Nun suppalot” – “Members of convents have a tendency to imbibe heavily” “Bee-a Singh” – “I would like you to consider converting to the Hindu faith” “Fuk yoo” – “I am a little disappointed by the level of remuneration you are proffering in payment for the service I have rendered” Here’s one for the eco-freaks. Pattaya is proud to announce that it has been chosen for the launch of Thailand’s first boat powered by chicken shit. We often wonder how fellers manage to convince their families and friends that some of the girls they’ve brought home have never worked in a bar. It’s hard to imagine that even the most devoted kith and kin, when confronted with this vision of peroxide, tattoos and chewing gum, could be persuaded that it was studying to be a marine biologist. Now here’s something you don’t hear about every day. A week or so ago, the ever-vigilant boys in brown carried out a raid on, of all places, a furniture shop. Not sure what they were looking for. A table showing too much leg perhaps? A patron of a hotel in Soi 1 had to be taken to hospital with head injuries after being clobbered on the cranium by a falling sign. Well he can’t say he wasn’t warned, can he? And finally, in the early hours of the morning one day last week, two blokes were arrested on Beach Road for fighting over a prostitute. Understandable. I mean, it’s so difficult to find one at that time and place, isn’t it? be seeing you monkeyman

You're welcome, milord. Very impressed with the first issue. Keep up the good work.

Brits don't have ID cards (yet).

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another cracking crackdown crackerjack of a time in No Fun City. Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’. Pattaya hasn’t had many celebrity visits recently, though Madonna was spotted sunbathing in Soi 1 last week. There was a report in the Pattaya Mail a couple of weeks ago that a bar was being used as a front for prostitution. They sure know how to shock their readers, don’t they? The new boy and girl figures on Beach Road have proved to be very popular, particularly with late night drunks who’ve taken to snapping off the girls’ pigtails and pissing into the resultant holes left in their heads. The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class. Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week. The local authorities have thoughtfully installed some new seats on Beach Road for girls unable to find a man for the night. Pattaya is proud to announce that the city has been chosen to host this year’s International Time Travel Convention. Further details will be appearing in last month’s Monkeywatch. There was an incident the other day when some loon on a rented quad bike smashed into a dozen motorcycles parked outside the Royal Garden Plaza. He allegedly told police officers that he was attempting to do an Evel Knievel type jump over the bikes but some sod had stolen the plank he was using as a ramp while he was doing his run up. This was later confirmed when it was discovered that the plank had in fact been stolen by a Russian tour operator who needed a replacement seat for one of his luxury coaches. Talking of accidents and coaches, there was a collision on Sukhumvit Road on August 13th, when a drunken coach driver crashed his vehicle full of Chinese tourists into a passing van. Fortunately, only 547 of the coach’s passengers were injured. The current drop in tourist numbers has unfortunately resulted in Pattaya’s plans for a new Multiplex cinema being scaled down a bit. A chicken merchant from Rayong was arrested a few days ago for drug dealing in Pattaya, so it looks like the days of getting stoned on KFC are well and truly over. Well, that’s the lot for now, as the police have closed Monkeywatch down for 30 days for putting on lewd shows – or was it loud shirts? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales from the land of wallies and vomit. We begin with the unusual story of the Welshman who died at Llandough Hospital in Wales just weeks after being stung by a scorpion in a Thai jungle. The moral of this story is that you’re safer in a Thai jungle than a British hospital. And none of the newspapers reported the scorpion’s side of the story either. Typical media bias. The police have finally owned up to the fact that they’ve got absolutely no way of stopping freelancers from congregating on Beach Road, and have admitted that they’ve run out of ideas. An interesting turn of phrase, as they only had one idea to start with. Nevertheless, the new Tourist Police Chief has vowed to continue his crusade to rid the streets of people who flout the law, so it sounds like we’ll be seeing a lot less police patrols around town in the future. The boys in brown haven’t been having the best of months, as they’ve also been criticised by the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association for being powerless to prevent the continual theft of electricity cables, which has resulted in everybody else being powerless as well. The thefts are believed to have been masterminded by an asthmatic Rumanian known to local villains as Vlad The Inhaler. Police enquiries are continuing. Obviously concerned by the levels of traffic pollution in Pattaya, City Hall are attempting to encourage the public to use more environmentally friendly modes of transport with the opening of the first parking bay for spacehoppers. A chef was arrested at Bali Hai Port the other week for allegedly taking photographs up the skirts of female passers by. The arresting officer was apparently unimpressed with his excuse that he was just looking up some old acquaintances. Another bit of peculiar behaviour involved a Russian bloke who was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall after he was seen stuffing a woman’s swimsuit down the front of his trousers. His explanation that he was doing an impromptu Tom Jones impersonation was not well received at the police station, where he was ordered to pay the store 10 times the value of the item to secure his release. The Russian tourist invasion of Pattaya continues unabated, with the arrival this week of the first of a new fleet of Moscow-based luxury coaches. Yet more rampant criminality was evident on Walking Street a few days ago when the Prince Tailor Shop was broken into and goods reckoned to be worth 100,000 baht were stolen. Makes you wonder what the thieves are going to do with 10,000 suits. On the entertainment front, Wet ‘n Wild A Go Go is to close down, which surprised many people, mainly because they weren’t aware it had opened in the first place. And Nui’s Club 2 has been given a facelift. Pity they didn’t get the girls done at the same time. This month’s strange tale is the tale of a strange tail, concerning thieves at Nong Nooch Tropical Garden who stole the tail hairs of a particularly distinguished elephant. These can reputedly be sold at a huge profit in certain Asian countries where they are believed to be able to cure a variety of illnesses, and are often woven into bracelets and rings. However, should you be offered any items of this sort, be warned that there are many fakes on the market, most of which have been fashioned from baht bus drivers’ bum hairs. The problem of illegal parking on Beach Road is finally being tackled with the appointment of the area’s very own traffic warden. And finally, in a surprise announcement on Wednesday, Pattaya Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit declared that henceforth all bars will be permitted to open 24 hours a day and lewd shows will no longer be prohibited. He then sang three choruses of ‘We Are The Champions’ and was sick in a bucket. be seeing you monkeyman

Aw, c'mon, the place is a bloody dump.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our special ‘even wetter than Songkran’ edition (cos it’s bloody pissing down outside). The big drama of the last few weeks took place in the Boyztown area when one of the more prominent gay bars caught fire, attracting rubbernecking sightseers in the sort of numbers usually only seen outside Galaxy Cabaret. There were no serious casualties, though their chef complained that the fire had burned him on the arse and ruined his mince. In a bid to help us all sleep soundly in our beds, the Thai government has announced that liquids over 100ml will no longer be allowed onto departing aircraft, so it sounds like the passengers will have to start drinking their own piss on the flights home. Well, at least it’ll get the taste of the Chang out of their mouths. The laying of the underground electricity cables on Beach Road is coming along nicely, with all the workmen going flat-out to make sure that the project is completed in time. The strange tale of the month is undoubtedly the one about the motorcyclist killed in an accident on Sukhumvit Road who was found to be wearing a condom. Didn’t give him much protection, did it? Another strong contender in the strangeness stakes has got to be the story about East West Management Co Ltd, the company who are responsible for garbage collection in Pattaya. They’ve complained to City Hall that the volume of garbage they have to collect is far too high so they want to return 40 tons of the stuff to the council. Their spokesman said that this would allow them to operate with greater efficiency and standards of garbage collection would therefore be improved. Nice try boys, but isn’t this a bit like trying to improve the efficiency of the railways by getting rid of the passengers? Municipal police in Pattaya have been warned by City Hall after allegations that they’ve been accepting bribes. They’ve been told that they must put their house in order within three months, though it’s rumoured that this may be extended to thirty years if a suitable “agreement” can be reached. The boys in brown have also been hard at work carrying out evening sweeps on Beach Road and arresting any ladies attempting to promote reciprocal cultural interaction. This is apparently to improve the image of Pattaya, though we’re not convinced that the sight of mobs of police jackbooting up and down the promenade arresting anything that moves is making a positive image statement to the world. If you’re feeling particularly hungry, there’s a new stall open on Beach Road that specialises in extra-large doughnuts. The Mayor of Pattaya held a meeting with all the local police divisions last week to discuss how to promote the city as a safe destination for holidaymakers. He apologised for his late arrival, which had been caused by his car skidding on a pile of elephant dung and ploughing into a small group of Chinese tourists, but reassured the gathering that only 63 of them had been injured. Undaunted by this minor setback, the intrepid mayor went on chair a meeting of community leaders which had been convened to discuss the problem of illegal drugs in Pattaya, Unfortunately, the meeting had to be abandoned after 10 minutes as the mayor had become convinced that he was being attacked by a giant grapefruit. Following numerous requests, Big C has installed a new table football machine specially designed for the Chinese tourist market. And finally, a couple a snake stories. A python turned out to be the culprit after the owner of a company making door and window frames noticed a drop in the numbers of his chickens. Reckon his products might sell better if he got rid of the chickens and used uPVC instead. In a separate incident, a snake caused an explosion at the Tourist Police Office on Thappraya Hill when it crossed over power lines, causing an electrical surge and starting a fire. Probably trying to cook a chicken. be seeing you monkeyman

I reckon global warming's to blame.

Since I posted this, I've found out that the problems were caused by them getting my email address slightly wrong. After we established this, the confirmation, transaction and documentation were completed in less than an hour. Methinks I judged them too harshly and will use them again.

If you're thinking of trying Ours Travel as an alternative, I've been trying for over a week to get a confirmation from them. They've always been very reliable in the past, but I'm not the only one to note that their service has taken a turn for the worse.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another plunge into the pool of pithy prose that pervades the peripheries of Pattaya. Er, sorry about that – desperate for a ‘p’. Well, the boys in brown have been embarking in another public relations exercise with a series of raids on bars in South Pattaya. Assistant district chief ‘Pongo’ Pitajinan claimed that the action was as a result of them getting complaints from tourists that many bars were operating without licences and employing underage staff. It’s gratifying to know that the police recognise the huge importance that the average tourist places on things like this, though they haven’t yet managed to produce any of these complaints or explain how the tourists managed to come by the knowledge in the first place. The offending bars will now be closed for 30 years and their owners are to be burned at the stake. If that wasn’t enough, they’ve also decided to respond to public concerns about Pattaya’s spiralling crime rate by having a crackdown on nudity in bars. This is clearly a very sensible move and I’m sure that we’ll see the number of shootings and muggings plummet overnight as a result of this enlightened policy. There’s an old saying that you can’t buy happiness, a sentiment obviously shared by the owner of this bar. Residents of Khao Mai Kaew have been complaining to Pattaya City Council for several months about the discomfort they have to suffer because of the stench emanating from a garbage disposal site near to their village. After much deliberation, the Council has finally agreed to take urgent action to resolve the residents’ problem and have scheduled their village for demolition next week. You might want to visit this restaurant and order the last but one item on the board if you’re feeling particularly horny. The strangest story of late has to be the elephant that attacked a pick up truck in Jomtien after allegedly mistaking it for a hostile animal, though we suspect that the result might have been even more unfortunate if the hapless creature had mistaken it for a friendly one. There’s been reports that vandals have been smashing some of the new high-powered street lights on Beach Road. A police spokesman said that he takes a very dim view of this sort of thing. A big problem with flooding recently developed in several places along the new local road being built alongside the railway line, so Mayor Niran Wattanasartsathorn brought in a consultant engineering company to survey the area and come up with a solution. They apparently suggested building toilets for the construction workers. In response to the large increase in the number of Russian tourists visiting Pattaya, a new hotel complex has just opened on Soi 1 which the owners hope will make the visitors feel more at home. Among the delights on offer are luxury apartments… …a fully equipped swimming pool…. …and, of course, extensive recreational facilities. In yet another attempt to give the image of Pattaya a bit of a wash and brush up, the Tourism Authority of Thailand and Pattaya District Office have appointed the Baldwin Boyle Group (Thailand) Ltd to take charge of all future publicity, advertising and public relations work for Fun City. The new company has been engaged because it was felt that the image of Pattaya was not being helped by the over-honest approach of their predecessors, Walter Mitty and Co. Finally, fans of Pattaya Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit will be delighted to learn that the he is to receive an award next week for his invaluable contribution to the city. He is to be presented with a solid silver ashtray, and this will be followed by a short ceremony in which it will be attached to his motorbike. A parting thought. Is a man who deals in stolen lawnmowers a garden fence? be seeing you monkeyman (pix 1&2 courtesy of Soi 7)

Probably not. I've never tried Economy but it doesn't look significantly inferior to Elite, which isn't a patch on the old Evergreen Deluxe. Okay, Elite gives you a few extra inches on seat pitch, better choice of movies and a bigger screen, but it's usually fully booked, whereas Economy is often half empty so you can actually end up with more room. I'd save the money and put it towards a Premium Laurel ticket for your next trip. PL is very nice if you're prepared to spend the dosh.

Scraping the bottom of the bin.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our 13th edition, so if you’re superstitious perhaps you’d better not read it. Come to think of it, you’re probably better off not reading it anyway. On May 1, the annual Crocodile Egg Eating Competition took place at the Pattaya Crocodile Farm, which involves contestants trying to be the fastest to eat 10 eggs. The competition was won by a Thai tourist, who collected a handsome prize of 10,000 baht. This was shortly followed by an unscheduled tourist eating competition after several crocodiles escaped from their pens and ran amok. The head keeper said that they’d been unable to establish if any of the crazed reptiles had managed to devour 10 tourists, but added that it didn’t really matter, as 10,000 baht was bugger all use to a crocodile anyway. A meeting was held at Pattaya City Hall the other week to lay down new rules of conduct for beach vendors on Koh Larn. This follows several reported incidents of vendors brawling with tourists, which was not considered to be the best way of persuading holidaymakers to buy their wares. Therefore, under the new regulations, all future fights between vendors and tourists will be contested according to strict International Boxing Federation rules. Sabai Lodge certainly seem to know how to make mongers feel at home if this waste bin spotted in one of their rooms is anything to go by. After conducting a survey revealing that tourists are concerned by the increasing numbers of drunken, tattooed, half-naked, shaven-headed louts in Pattaya, the City Council have scrapped plans for an appearance by Britney Spiers at next year’s music festival. Following the announcement that City Hall is to impose 500 baht fines on people whose dogs foul the footpath, a new dog training school has been set up on Second Road where Thais can take their dogs and have them trained to shit on tourists instead. This, however, has brought complaints from tour guides and baht bus drivers, who say that they are more than capable of carrying out this task already. Pattaya has become the first city in Thailand to introduce bullshitometers, the first of which was installed on Beach Road recently. Apparently, you just get your TG to put her hand on one of the pads on the side, then ask her a few questions and watch the lights and meters tell you if she’s fibbing. Oh, and if she asks, tell her it doesn’t work with blokes. And now, a little more guidance for newbies from the pages of the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya”, which should eventually be on sale for a moderately exorbitant price at your local Nohab Convenience Store. If you don’t want people to know you’re a newbie: 1. Don’t wai 2. Don’t point with your feet 3. Don’t tread on the monks 4. AND FOR GOD’S SAKE don’t wear a “Good Guys Go To Heaven…” t-shirt Acting on a tip-off last week, Immigration Officers carried out a raid in Sattahip and managed to arrest 123 Cambodian and Burmese citizens who had been working in Pattaya for some time without the required permits. Unfortunately, they were all found to be working for the Immigration Department, which has now been forced to close down until replacements can be recruited. The new CCTV cameras on Beach Road seem to be working jolly well, with the number of reported thefts in the area having reduced considerably since their installation. All the police have to do now is figure out who’s stealing the cameras. The Big Horn Steakhouse has been getting a bit of stick recently for the quality of its grub, though we’ve heard from several hundred people that it’s the best steak house in Pattaya. Actually, we’ve heard it several hundred times from the same bloke. That drunk at the end of their advert. Pattaya Police Station has come to an agreement with 12 radio and television stations for them to show re-enactments of crimes so tourists can see how the criminals work. Viewers can expect to see recreations of heinous crimes such as a baht bus driver not giving change after being handed 10 baht, and a bar girl charging a punter for long-time then pissing off after a couple of hours. The latest inspired plan by Pattaya City hall is to spend a million baht on a garbage disposal plant that turns rubbish into revenue. Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit said they’d decided that this activity should not be the exclusive preserve of street vendors. Finally, Pattaya Police have reported that a gang of thieves poisoned a family’s poodle then stole goods worth several hundred thousand baht from their house. The Korean family involved said that it was bad enough losing the property without having their dinner ruined as well. And remember readers, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. be seeing you monkeyman

One thing to be wary of is that they've just started building some new condos in Soi 1 very close to the end of Sabai Wing that faces Beach Road. There may be some noise issues for the whole hotel for a while.

I think it was when Prince Charles had a puncture and nipped into a motorway cafe for a quick cheeseburger.

Absolutely no joiner fee. It'd be a little difficult for them to pretend to disapprove of mongering when they own a massage joint just round the corner.

This is getting like Alias Smith And Jones.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this, our first anniversary edition. Yes, we’re still around after a whole year, so that bookie up the road owes us a shitload of money. Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out. It’s being suggested in some quarters that bar owners might consider making a few judicious alterations to the direction their new CCTV cameras are pointing when the boys in brown turn up for their tea money. Something to keep by for a rainy day, eh lads? Those with nothing better to do at the end of the month may be interested to learn that the interestingly named Vaseline Fun Fair is to be held in Jomtien on April 28-29. We’ve no idea what it’s about either, but would advise attendees to avoid blokes with leather trousers and dodgy moustaches. For those of you who fancy some traditional British late night nosh in Pattaya, you could do worse than visit the Ali Baba Indian Restaurant on Pattaya Klang. We have it on good authority that most of their patrons come flying out of this place with their arses on fire, so it sounds like a winner to us. There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan. For all you newbies out there unaccustomed to dealing with being approached by street vendors in Pattaya, here’s an extract from the upcoming “Monkeywatch Guide To Pattaya” in which a typical conversation with one of these street chappies has been recorded for your guidance. “You want buy? Me hab many good things.” “Really?” “No, not really. Hab tlay of clap.” “Nothing good at all?” “No. Only hab clap.” “Okay, why don’t I give you 500 baht and you can take your tray and throw it off the end of the pier?” “Why you no gib me 1000 baht and I take running jump off end of pier and take tlay of clap with me, okay?” “Okay.” The transaction is thus successfully concluded. Location filming has just been completed in Pattaya for the first episode of the new Thai science fiction series, “Doctor Hu”. In this first story, the Doctor lands his space ship, the Thaidis, on Beach Road, where he lures a freelancer inside and cunningly uses his time travelling abilities to make a short-time last for three months. A new project has been undertaken by City Hall to unblock all the drains in Pattaya before the start of the rainy season. They decided that this approach, though somewhat expensive, was more practical than issuing tourists with snorkels every time they wanted to go for a walk. Russians are now being encouraged to swarm all over Thailand following a relaxation of their visa rules by the Thai Government. This is because they are a perfect example of what the Thais define as ‘quality tourists’ – and we define as ‘pig-ignorant cheapskate tossers’. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s… Yes, Monkeywatch can exclusively reveal that the secret lair of Thailand’s greatest superhero can be found hidden inside a certain bar on Walking Street. We won’t be revealing his secret identity, partly to protect him from the media, but mainly because we’ve been told that he’s already been barfined by several board members. And remember, guys. If you want your dick to look bigger, move to a smaller country. be seeing you monkeyman