monkeyman

I hear that the British Government is now selling tickets for the dance to be held on his grave.

Isn't that Harris Black?

If you were listening to Enya I wouldn't think you'd need the diazepams.

Point made and taken. Inaugural visit coming up.

Would your field of journalism have any bearing on this situation, perchance?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another plunge into the murky depths of Pattaya pondlife. Here we go then. There’s been a bit of controversy lately about the increasing number of bars charging entrance fees to non-farangs. This is apparently because such people are classed as undesirables, though coughing up the asking price of up to 600 baht somehow seems to magically transport them upwards to a more hallowed level on the desirability ladder. Elsewhere on the bar scene, VooDoo briefly became VooDon’t as the place was blacked out for a while. It’s now reopened, though you’ll need a bit of black magic to conjure up a girl as they’re pretty thin on the ground at the moment. Same thing happened at Fun Room A Go Go, which allegedly closed because the customers voted with their feet following new management policies that made the place about as much fun as listening to a chess match on the radio. In what can only be classed as a surprise move, Electric Blue has returned to Soi Diamond in the form of a fast food establishment. However, there’s a rumour of a counter-strike in the offing, and we can expect to see McDonalds A Go Go opening on Walking Street in the next couple of months. Should be some nice buns on show anyway. Also shortly opening on Walking Street (well, Soi 15 to be precise) is the new Misty’s A Go Go, replacing the old one in Soi Pattayaland 2 where girls are rapidly becoming an endangered species. The new place, which promises to be bigger and better than its predecessor, should be open within the next 10 weeks and will no doubt offer generous hospitality to those who give it publicity and write nice things about it. This is Pattaya’s answer to Michaelangelo’s statue of David in Florence. As a local official observed, “Theirs might be taller but ours has got a bigger helmet” Following an English police operation into the running of brothels in that fair land, the Far East Rock owner has been jailed in the UK. We later heard that, in the best traditions of political tit-for-tat, the UK Rock owner has been jailed in the Far East. Rescue workers were called to a house in Naklua the other Thursday after a monkey went berserk and attacked a couple of students. Press statements said that no police were involved in the incident, so it sounds like the monkey didn’t have any backup. The much-heralded smoking ban in bars comes into force on 11 February, though we understand that there’s a place called Throb where the staff will be more than happy to lend a hand if you really fancy a puff. The local Tourist Board have responded to accusations that Pattaya lacks celebrity visitors by releasing this picture of R2D2 taking a stroll along Beach Road. Last week a young newbie Brit tourist staying at the Baboona Hotel on Beach Road was given a lesson in safe sex, Pattaya style. It seems that he had sex with a bargirl then her boyfriend broke into his room and nicked his safe. Our roving reporter, Ben Twilley, stumbled on a story about the Sattahip Police arresting a fortune-teller on suspicion of raping a 22-year-old woman. He allegedly told them that he hadn’t actually done it yet, though he’d give them a definite date if they crossed his palm with silver. The officers were apparently not amused and charged him with being a fake, as he obviously hadn’t known they were coming to arrest him. Two Thai men were arrested on Beach Road on suspicion of drunken behaviour after reports of fight taking place near Soi Pattayaland 2. When questioned, the men told police that they were actually good friends who worked as shoe-shiners and they’d just had a small argument. They denied being drunk, though the police became suspicious after asking the men to provide urine samples. The start of the Deckchair Operator meeting held a week last Friday was delayed for two hours as no one could figure out how the bloody hell to open it. And finally, a bit of breaking news. An international court has ruled that Thailand should be closed for 30 days as it doesn’t have the correct licences. Will the last one to leave please turn the lights out. That’ll teach you to close the Monkey Bar you bastards. be seeing you monkeyman

I heard that too. Guess we'll only be able to go there for breakfast now.

Right and double right. Surely the real issue isn't how much you spend but what you get for your money. If you're getting a good deal at any price then you aren't overpaying. Stand on me, my son.

We were evicted from our cardboard box....

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the third year of our epic mission to boldly go where no mag has gone before. There was a bit of a ruckus at the Pattaya Elephant Village the other week when an elephant went berserk after suddenly becoming sexually aroused for no apparent reason. A local vet had to be called in to relieve the animal’s condition, though after telling police he was glad to lend a hand he was promptly arrested and placed on the sex offenders’ register. A German tourist had his mobile phone nicked on Beach Road a few days ago by what was described in the press as a “broke transsexual”. Guess he must have needed some money to get himself mended. Following a government directive that Thailand should become greener, City Hall sent us this photo as evidence of Pattaya’s remarkable progress to date (if you don’t get this, you’re either viewing it in black and white or you forgot to take your medication). Police were called to a ceramics shop on Third Road a couple of Mondays ago after the owner caught a man trying to steal items of pottery from his premises. The thief, who works as a barman in Soi 8, apparently told police that he wanted to steal the items as he was the only bar worker in the soi without a pair of jugs. Another incident requiring police attention occurred at the Central Festival Centre in North Pattaya, where a Thai woman reported that a Russian tourist had indecently assaulted her with a back-scratcher. Sound like a case of “You scratch my whatsit and I’ll scratch yours”. In a similar vein, a Finnish tourist was arrested on Walking Street just before Christmas after a Thai woman complained to police that the man had groped her and then tipped beer over her. The man, who gave his name as Stig Silvalainen, was quick to pour cold water over her allegations. He also poured cold water over her tits and was promptly arrested. On the entertainment front, Spicy Girls a Go Go has relocated to Soi Post Office, so called because it’s a good place to get your card stamped. We’re not sure which one of these two is Harry Potter, but if it’s the one on the right we sure as hell ain’t sending our kids to Hogwarts. In an act of Christmas charity, the Pattaya Mass Media Club provided a free lunch on December 12 for blind students at the Redemptorists School for the Blind. The students were treated to a sumptuous meal of caviar, pressed duck, pheasant under glass and vintage champagne. Well, that’s what the organisers told them they’d had. Tourist Police officers have been told to be on the lookout for “groups of ill-intentioned people who might pose a threat to tourists” over the holiday period. Sounds like they’ll be spending most of their time arresting each other. A “Best Of Issan” display was featured at a fair held over a couple of days last week at Pattaya School no 8. If you want to see it any other time of year, just drop in to Superbaby. The school also held a dental health event, where volunteer dentists provided free check ups, and we understand that they had a couple of Thai boxers on hand to handle the extractions. A party of Russian tourists caused a rumpus on Beach Road yesterday after arriving in Pattaya and being shown their “luxury air-conditioned suites”. A local council worker is helping police with their enquiries. The local constabulary were out in force on Christmas Eve in order to “ensure the safety of tourists”, and were joined on their tour of Walking Street by a representative from the Mayor’s office. We didn’t spot him, though we understand that he was the one with the sprig of mistletoe down the back of his trousers. Finally, the Pattaya Fire Department were alerted to a blaze in a warehouse on Highway 36 the other Tuesday, but were unable to put it out before 2 million baht’s worth of damage was done. A large amount of stock was destroyed, including a consignment of 5000 smoke alarms, though they presumably weren’t the ones normally used in Pattaya as one of them actually went off. be seeing you monkeyman

The seating plan suggests that it'll be the same layout as the 777 apart from having more Economy Class seats. I was surprised that they put Economy seats in the upper level though.

Glad you liked it.

Nong Nooch, if you don't mind waiting till later for the dinner.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to Christmas at Fun City, when you won’t even get a room in a stable unless you booked three months in advance. Right, off we go. The Tiffany Show Theatre on Second Road recently hosted the 4th Annual Miss International Queen Final, which is basically a bunch of poofs from 24 different countries dressing up as tarts and poncing up and down a stage for a few hours. Guess this must be the sort of good wholesome family entertainment they’re always telling us that Pattaya should be putting on. While we’re on the subject, a katoey from Laos was arrested a couple of weeks ago for being in possession of 600 yabba tablets. When questioned, he reportedly said that he was planning to sell them to fund his operation so that next time he was carrying illegal goods he’d have more places to hide them. In preparation for Pattaya’s annual Christmas Scrooge Week, last Wednesday saw the arrival in town of the favourite to win this year’s ‘Biggest Humbug’ competition. An unusual story recently emerged from the Reung Yoong Tong Village in Sattahip, where residents have devised an ingenious way of stopping stray dogs pissing outside their houses. They put plastic bottles full of water around the perimeter and when a dog comes for a piddle, he eyes his own reflection, which he thinks to be a hostile animal, and off he goes. Hence the expression “Yoong Tong piddle eye go” (if you’re under 50, ask your dad to explain it to you). It’s been rumoured that a few Go Go owners are thinking of trying it out to see if it works on Chinese tourists. It’s been revealed that City Hall has given 4 million baht to the Tourist Authority of Thailand to promote Pattaya after a survey revealed that the most young Thai tourists come to the city for the late night entertainment. The campaign, known as “Pattaya 3 Months Non-Stop Fun”, will run until the end of the year in order to promote the benefits of the city’s late night entertainment venues and other fun activities. Unfortunately, this intrepid venture was unveiled at just about the same time as the boys in brown were closing all the bars at 1pm and it was announced that fireworks would be banned for Loy Krathong. You really need to get your heads together on this one, boys. Pattaya has a new sponsor for its beach umbrellas, presumably as a goodwill gesture for the large amount of business generated for them by Beach Road food vendors. A new racing event to be staged this year was the Bang Saen Thailand Speed Festival, which took place between the 11th and 14th of November. We don’t have much information on the event, though we understand that it was won by a monk leaving a Go Go bar during a police raid. On the nightlife scene, Climax Bar is living up to its name by changing into a Go Go, and there’s a new Gothic themed Go Go on Soi BJ enigmatically named ‘The E’. Both are now apparently German owned, so if they advertise a Christmas goose it’s more likely to be a dance routine than a buffet. The other Saturday night, three Thai lads were arrested after a complaint from a Beach Road freelancer that she’d agreed a price with one of them but they ’d tried to force her into a three on one for the same fee. Police decided that they should be given a warning and that each should pay a small fine. One of the cheeky chappies allegedly suggested that they should pay one fine between the three of them, but was politely asked to withdraw his proposal as a truncheon inserted into the rectum often offends. And now, we proudly present Pattaya Paradise, Fun City’s newest shopping complex. Er, well actually, the authorities stopped them building it so they put up this nice picture of it instead. Seems like an ideal place to get your weekly shopping (well, a picture of it anyway). This month’s strange tale comes from Sattahip and concerns a curiosity known as the Elephant Tree, so called because of an elephant-like shape at the bottom of the trunk. Locals live in fear of the tree, claiming to have seen elephant ghosts walking around it at night, and so make offerings of bananas to it during the day. A local official said they didn’t reckon that ghostly elephants were in the tree, but were pretty sure that the locals were out of theirs. And finally, Pattaya medics received an emergency call the other night to treat a Thai man who became seriously ill after being bitten by a large centipede. Better than getting a kicking from it, eh matey? be seeing you monkeyman (Thanks to Soi 7 for pic 3)

You get turned on by a BG moaning cos some bloke only gave her 500 baht for a LT?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more virulent verbiage and venomous vitriol as we venture victoriously into the once verdant village that is now the vigorous and vibrant Pattaya. Hugo Weaving, eat your bloody heart out. Right, here’s a few fireworks. Firstly, in a shameless piece of self-publicity, Monkeywatch is pleased to announce its inclusion in the pages of the Walking Street Journal, a newly launched publication available absolutely free from various moderately disreputable establishments around the Pattaya area. Apologies to those of you who are reading Monkeywatch in said publication, as you’d probably figured this out already. Doh. City Hall has approved plans for a second Walking Street in Pattaya. Walking Street Old Town, as it is to be called, will be situated in Naklua and will consist of 80 premises selling locally produced items. Well, if Issan counts as local, it sounds pretty much the same as the current Walking Street. Police raided an apartment in Soi Buakaow last week, arresting a 75 year-old Brit and seizing 100,000 indecent photos from his room. Now what’s the world coming to when a chap can’t even take a few snaps at his birthday party without having his collar felt by the local plod? There’s also been an increase in law enforcement activity on the beach, as this hapless jet skier found out when he was booked for parking on a double yellow lobster. The British government certainly seems to be trying hard to make visiting Thais feel at home, appointing ministers like Stephen Ladyman and Kate Hoey. There’s one called Ed Balls too, but that might be sending out the wrong message. On the entertainment front, Lollipop A Go Go is shaping up to be the latest addition to the Walking Street line up and should be opening its doors for business shortly. The rumour is that if you turn up on the opening night you’ll get a free lollipop. Nice idea – let’s hope it catches on at Climax Bar. As part of their themed entertainment evenings, The Royal Cruise Hotel has introduced a special Cannibals Night. If you decide to give it a try, don’t order the Adult unless you’ve got a really big appetite, as most punters end up leaving half of it on the side of the plate. Strange story of the month has to be the dead cow that was discovered inside a drainpipe in Nongprue. The owner said she had been unsuccessfully searching for the animal since it went missing three days previously. Sounds reasonable, I guess. After all, if your cow goes missing, your first thought isn’t “Let’s look for it in a drainpipe”, is it? Last week, Pattaya Mail carried a story with the headline “City Sends Official To Bomb Emergency Training Course”. We wondered what that loud bang was the other day. Sadly, some of the staff who used to work at the long departed Marilyn A Go Go have still not been able to find alternative employment and are now freelancing on Beach Road. The annual Underwater Clean-Up at Koh Larn began on 27th October in preparation for the high season. Very laudable, we’re sure, but how do you wash something that’s underwater? Finally, a sexually transmitted diseases seminar was held a few days ago in the Public Health Building in Soi Buakaow. A visiting expert gave a talk on the range of diseases and the best ways of preventing them, after which the audience got up and gave him the clap he so richly deserved. be seeing you monkeyman

It should be directly underneath the URL option.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dollop of essential information for bawdy boardies and trendy tourists. Well, Fun City seems to be awash with newbies at the moment for some reason. You know the sort, all “Patt-eye-a” and “Core coon crap”, and giving everybody a wai which, roughly translated, means that they aren’t fit to clean the shoes of a shoe cleaner. You’ve got to love them though, haven’t you? No, you’re right, you bloody well haven’t. Tossers. There’s a rumour going round that Alcazar is to host a performance by the transsexual tribute artist Katoey Stevens to promote his new single ‘Ladyboy D’Arbanville’, the follow up to his first recording, ‘I’m Gonna Get Me A Bum’. For those of your who don’t know, this act is a tribute to Cat Stevens, the Brit singer who had many hits with songs such as ‘Matthew and Son’, ‘Father and Son’, ‘Steptoe and Son’, that sort of stuff. The Pattaya Photography Club has declared this picture the winner of their “Most Outstanding Erection In Pattaya” competition - mainly because all the other entries were disqualified and later impounded by the police. A survey was carried out recently asking the girls in Pattaya what they enjoyed most about young farang blokes, to which most of them replied “laughing at their shorts”. We’ll spare the blushes of you older fellers by not reporting what it was about you that made them laugh the most. For those of you into Go Gos, the newly opened Sisterz on Walking Street is well worth a look. Don’t go in when you’re too pissed though, as the entrance is like Hampton Court maze. As we’ve already had a go at newbies this issue, it’s only fitting that we attempt to redress the balance, so here’s a little help for anyone taking their first faltering steps with the Thai language. If you hear a Thai come out with something like any of the below, they’re probably trying to tell you the following: “Showaddy crap” – “I’m not a keen devotee of 70’s British glam rock bands” “Mai pen rait” –“My ballpoint is functioning within normal operational parameters” “Nun suppalot” – “Members of convents have a tendency to imbibe heavily” “Bee-a Singh” – “I would like you to consider converting to the Hindu faith” “Fuk yoo” – “I am a little disappointed by the level of remuneration you are proffering in payment for the service I have rendered” Here’s one for the eco-freaks. Pattaya is proud to announce that it has been chosen for the launch of Thailand’s first boat powered by chicken shit. We often wonder how fellers manage to convince their families and friends that some of the girls they’ve brought home have never worked in a bar. It’s hard to imagine that even the most devoted kith and kin, when confronted with this vision of peroxide, tattoos and chewing gum, could be persuaded that it was studying to be a marine biologist. Now here’s something you don’t hear about every day. A week or so ago, the ever-vigilant boys in brown carried out a raid on, of all places, a furniture shop. Not sure what they were looking for. A table showing too much leg perhaps? A patron of a hotel in Soi 1 had to be taken to hospital with head injuries after being clobbered on the cranium by a falling sign. Well he can’t say he wasn’t warned, can he? And finally, in the early hours of the morning one day last week, two blokes were arrested on Beach Road for fighting over a prostitute. Understandable. I mean, it’s so difficult to find one at that time and place, isn’t it? be seeing you monkeyman

You're welcome, milord. Very impressed with the first issue. Keep up the good work.

Brits don't have ID cards (yet).

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another cracking crackdown crackerjack of a time in No Fun City. Yes, the boys in brown have been on a rampage round the bars yet again in a further attempt to rid Pattaya of the scourge of tourism. A police spokesman said that they took the tourist threat very seriously and were making steady progress towards locating the notorious tourist group, Alky-Idiots, and their charismatic leader, Osingha bin Lager, who is believed to be holed up in a place known as The Cave. The spokesman added that the police were committed to preventing a repeat of the tragic events of 7/11, when a tourist cell infiltrated a convenience store and the entire stock of Chang was consumed by suicide drinkers. Hoping to end on an upbeat note, the Head of Counter-Tourism reported that since the raids on various Go Gos, the tourist threat level has been reduced from severe to ‘Let’s fuck off to the Philippines instead’. Pattaya hasn’t had many celebrity visits recently, though Madonna was spotted sunbathing in Soi 1 last week. There was a report in the Pattaya Mail a couple of weeks ago that a bar was being used as a front for prostitution. They sure know how to shock their readers, don’t they? The new boy and girl figures on Beach Road have proved to be very popular, particularly with late night drunks who’ve taken to snapping off the girls’ pigtails and pissing into the resultant holes left in their heads. The mayor of Pattaya recently opened a special Beach Cleaning Day in which the City Hall street cleaning workers spent a day tidying up the entire length of the beach. They were ably assisted by members of the Royal Thai Army, who shot several beach vendors and any tourist who looked vaguely working class. Work on Pattaya’s new Employment Training Centre is now nearing completion. The chrome poles have already been installed, and the shoeshine kits and trays of crap watches are expected to arrive early next week. The local authorities have thoughtfully installed some new seats on Beach Road for girls unable to find a man for the night. Pattaya is proud to announce that the city has been chosen to host this year’s International Time Travel Convention. Further details will be appearing in last month’s Monkeywatch. There was an incident the other day when some loon on a rented quad bike smashed into a dozen motorcycles parked outside the Royal Garden Plaza. He allegedly told police officers that he was attempting to do an Evel Knievel type jump over the bikes but some sod had stolen the plank he was using as a ramp while he was doing his run up. This was later confirmed when it was discovered that the plank had in fact been stolen by a Russian tour operator who needed a replacement seat for one of his luxury coaches. Talking of accidents and coaches, there was a collision on Sukhumvit Road on August 13th, when a drunken coach driver crashed his vehicle full of Chinese tourists into a passing van. Fortunately, only 547 of the coach’s passengers were injured. The current drop in tourist numbers has unfortunately resulted in Pattaya’s plans for a new Multiplex cinema being scaled down a bit. A chicken merchant from Rayong was arrested a few days ago for drug dealing in Pattaya, so it looks like the days of getting stoned on KFC are well and truly over. Well, that’s the lot for now, as the police have closed Monkeywatch down for 30 days for putting on lewd shows – or was it loud shirts? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales from the land of wallies and vomit. We begin with the unusual story of the Welshman who died at Llandough Hospital in Wales just weeks after being stung by a scorpion in a Thai jungle. The moral of this story is that you’re safer in a Thai jungle than a British hospital. And none of the newspapers reported the scorpion’s side of the story either. Typical media bias. The police have finally owned up to the fact that they’ve got absolutely no way of stopping freelancers from congregating on Beach Road, and have admitted that they’ve run out of ideas. An interesting turn of phrase, as they only had one idea to start with. Nevertheless, the new Tourist Police Chief has vowed to continue his crusade to rid the streets of people who flout the law, so it sounds like we’ll be seeing a lot less police patrols around town in the future. The boys in brown haven’t been having the best of months, as they’ve also been criticised by the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association for being powerless to prevent the continual theft of electricity cables, which has resulted in everybody else being powerless as well. The thefts are believed to have been masterminded by an asthmatic Rumanian known to local villains as Vlad The Inhaler. Police enquiries are continuing. Obviously concerned by the levels of traffic pollution in Pattaya, City Hall are attempting to encourage the public to use more environmentally friendly modes of transport with the opening of the first parking bay for spacehoppers. A chef was arrested at Bali Hai Port the other week for allegedly taking photographs up the skirts of female passers by. The arresting officer was apparently unimpressed with his excuse that he was just looking up some old acquaintances. Another bit of peculiar behaviour involved a Russian bloke who was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall after he was seen stuffing a woman’s swimsuit down the front of his trousers. His explanation that he was doing an impromptu Tom Jones impersonation was not well received at the police station, where he was ordered to pay the store 10 times the value of the item to secure his release. The Russian tourist invasion of Pattaya continues unabated, with the arrival this week of the first of a new fleet of Moscow-based luxury coaches. Yet more rampant criminality was evident on Walking Street a few days ago when the Prince Tailor Shop was broken into and goods reckoned to be worth 100,000 baht were stolen. Makes you wonder what the thieves are going to do with 10,000 suits. On the entertainment front, Wet ‘n Wild A Go Go is to close down, which surprised many people, mainly because they weren’t aware it had opened in the first place. And Nui’s Club 2 has been given a facelift. Pity they didn’t get the girls done at the same time. This month’s strange tale is the tale of a strange tail, concerning thieves at Nong Nooch Tropical Garden who stole the tail hairs of a particularly distinguished elephant. These can reputedly be sold at a huge profit in certain Asian countries where they are believed to be able to cure a variety of illnesses, and are often woven into bracelets and rings. However, should you be offered any items of this sort, be warned that there are many fakes on the market, most of which have been fashioned from baht bus drivers’ bum hairs. The problem of illegal parking on Beach Road is finally being tackled with the appointment of the area’s very own traffic warden. And finally, in a surprise announcement on Wednesday, Pattaya Council spokesman Mr Yuslas Sakkashit declared that henceforth all bars will be permitted to open 24 hours a day and lewd shows will no longer be prohibited. He then sang three choruses of ‘We Are The Champions’ and was sick in a bucket. be seeing you monkeyman

Aw, c'mon, the place is a bloody dump.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our special ‘even wetter than Songkran’ edition (cos it’s bloody pissing down outside). The big drama of the last few weeks took place in the Boyztown area when one of the more prominent gay bars caught fire, attracting rubbernecking sightseers in the sort of numbers usually only seen outside Galaxy Cabaret. There were no serious casualties, though their chef complained that the fire had burned him on the arse and ruined his mince. In a bid to help us all sleep soundly in our beds, the Thai government has announced that liquids over 100ml will no longer be allowed onto departing aircraft, so it sounds like the passengers will have to start drinking their own piss on the flights home. Well, at least it’ll get the taste of the Chang out of their mouths. The laying of the underground electricity cables on Beach Road is coming along nicely, with all the workmen going flat-out to make sure that the project is completed in time. The strange tale of the month is undoubtedly the one about the motorcyclist killed in an accident on Sukhumvit Road who was found to be wearing a condom. Didn’t give him much protection, did it? Another strong contender in the strangeness stakes has got to be the story about East West Management Co Ltd, the company who are responsible for garbage collection in Pattaya. They’ve complained to City Hall that the volume of garbage they have to collect is far too high so they want to return 40 tons of the stuff to the council. Their spokesman said that this would allow them to operate with greater efficiency and standards of garbage collection would therefore be improved. Nice try boys, but isn’t this a bit like trying to improve the efficiency of the railways by getting rid of the passengers? Municipal police in Pattaya have been warned by City Hall after allegations that they’ve been accepting bribes. They’ve been told that they must put their house in order within three months, though it’s rumoured that this may be extended to thirty years if a suitable “agreement” can be reached. The boys in brown have also been hard at work carrying out evening sweeps on Beach Road and arresting any ladies attempting to promote reciprocal cultural interaction. This is apparently to improve the image of Pattaya, though we’re not convinced that the sight of mobs of police jackbooting up and down the promenade arresting anything that moves is making a positive image statement to the world. If you’re feeling particularly hungry, there’s a new stall open on Beach Road that specialises in extra-large doughnuts. The Mayor of Pattaya held a meeting with all the local police divisions last week to discuss how to promote the city as a safe destination for holidaymakers. He apologised for his late arrival, which had been caused by his car skidding on a pile of elephant dung and ploughing into a small group of Chinese tourists, but reassured the gathering that only 63 of them had been injured. Undaunted by this minor setback, the intrepid mayor went on chair a meeting of community leaders which had been convened to discuss the problem of illegal drugs in Pattaya, Unfortunately, the meeting had to be abandoned after 10 minutes as the mayor had become convinced that he was being attacked by a giant grapefruit. Following numerous requests, Big C has installed a new table football machine specially designed for the Chinese tourist market. And finally, a couple a snake stories. A python turned out to be the culprit after the owner of a company making door and window frames noticed a drop in the numbers of his chickens. Reckon his products might sell better if he got rid of the chickens and used uPVC instead. In a separate incident, a snake caused an explosion at the Tourist Police Office on Thappraya Hill when it crossed over power lines, causing an electrical surge and starting a fire. Probably trying to cook a chicken. be seeing you monkeyman