monkeyman

So now we know what Lam Morrison gets up to during the day.

The interiors of the 747s have been revamped and are now the same as the 777s.

You wouldn't be far wrong.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another slice of Pattaya pizza with extra cheese. Well, the 2am closing directive is still with us. The Interior Ministry has decided that closing everything down at this time is the way to reduce crime, though we’re not entirely convinced that the best way to make life more difficult for criminals is to switch off all the city’s lights at the earliest opportunity. Seems that Pattaya City Council aren’t convinced either, as they’ve passed a unanimous resolution to extend closing times to 4am and have submitted it to the Interior Ministry for consideration. Good on yer, lads. When you’re in a baht bus going down Beach Road, don’t you just love it when some cretinous newbie flags it down to ask how much the fare is to Walking Street, then takes Christ knows how long to barter the price down from 100 baht to 50 baht. Oh that we could all possess such high-powered negotiating skills. Prats. It’s red faces all round for the Brits who took the piss out of the Thais for the mess surrounding the opening of Suvarnabhumi Airport. It now looks like a masterpiece of strategic planning compared to the ongoing fiasco at Heathrow’s Terminal 5. Latest news at Heathrow is that they’ve shipped all the backlog of luggage to Milan for sorting, which is really handy if you happen to live in Surrey. Guess things must be pretty desperate. When you have to turn to the Italians to get something organised you’re in DEEP shit. Due to overcrowding problems, a number of discotheques have decided that farang women will no longer be allowed into their premises. Five Buddhist monks were arrested near Big C last weekend for doing things that monks shouldn’t be doing with ladies of dubious virtue. The police took the gentlemen in question to a senior monk who immediately had them disrobed. Unfortunately, they didn’t wait for the police to leave before doing this and the temple has now been closed for 30 days for permitting showing on the premises. There’s been the usual bit of a bit of shuffling around on the entertainment scene. Taboo on Soi Covent Garden has closed its doors, as has Rock Girls on Soi 15, though I think we can manage to contain our grief over those two. Champagne on Soi LK Metro is also currently closed but is reckoned to be reopening shortly. The most surprising news, however, is that Angelwitch is to be converted into a temple. The owner apparently agreed to sell it to a local sect, planning permission was granted, and the deal was signed on the first of April. Unfortunately, this will result in the closure of all the other Go Gos in Soi 15 as they will now fall within the new temple’s legal exclusion zone which forbids entertainment venues to be situated within 200 metres of religious establishments. Looks like some bar in North Pattaya has decided that their shows need to aim a bit higher than the rest. Last week, special copyright officers raided a discotheque on Walking Street and found that the DJ had a large number of counterfeit CDs in his possession. He was taken to the police station, where it was discovered that he too was counterfeit and the arresting officers also turned out to be bogus. Further investigation revealed that the discotheque itself was a fake and was in fact a pet shop. A monkey with no sense of religious propriety was recently spotted stealing offerings of food that had been laid out on a shrine on Laem Pujao Mountain. This is believed to be the first time a primate has been caught stealing food from a religious site since a funeral in Ireland in 1999 when the Archbishop of Canterbury was spotted on CCTV blagging a pork pie and a bottle of brown ale from the top of Oliver Reed’s coffin. Police were called to a beach in Naklua after an elephant went berserk and attacked a local woman. She was apparently giving food to the elephant when it unexpectedly gave her a good going over. It was an hour before the elephant’s master was able to calm it down, after which he was taken away by the police. He claimed the elephant became agitated because its food was late and not as ordered. The police said that there was no excuse for violence as this was standard practice in most Pattaya restaurants. They then impounded the elephant and charged its master with “being a complete bastard”. We’re sure the botanists among you will be able to identify this tree on Beach Road. A pussy willow perhaps? A team of veterinarians recently paid a visit to Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens to check out the establishment’s large collection of rabbits for any signs of disease. Good idea. You just can’t get the little buggers to use condoms. A woman was arrested outside Naklua Market last weekend after reports that she had stolen a gas cooker. Must have made one hell of a bulge under her coat. Finally, a drunken German molesting a girl near Soi Yamoto in the early hours of the other morning had a shock when he was attacked by a ladyboy brandishing a beach umbrella. So he started off arseholed and ended up parasoled. be seeing you monkeyman

It's three years old now and is a nice place to stay, though a little pricey.

Usually random photos that look like they may have a potential gag in them. The blurb comes later.

I do it because there may be a queue at the airport, and I don't do queues.

Basically, don't do it. You can insult them if you get it wrong, though they probably wouldn't take offence. Much better to respond with an appropriate gesture from your own culture IMO. (perhaps not this one )

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales of derring-do, or derring-don’t if the police are watching. The other Saturday, an American tourist was approached by two men claiming to be Police Volunteers and asked to hand over his cash and jewellery. When he politely declined this tempting offer, they gave him a right good kicking and made off with the 6000 baht in his shorts. Apparently, he reckoned they weren’t real Police Volunteers. Buggered if we know how he came to that conclusion. Speaking of thieving, a couple of Chinese blokes were arrested a few evenings ago for pick-pocketing from tourists at the Alcazar and Tiffany theatres. This followed a complaint to a security guard by two men claiming that there were items missing from their trousers. There was a delay in informing the police as the guard initially misunderstood and thought that the men were after jobs as performers. Other criminal activity included the American arrested on Pattaya Klang for selling sex-enhancement drugs. He denied the charge, claiming that he only sold the drugs to elderly men to stop them pissing on their shoes (they should have charged him with plagiarism as well). Here we can see two contestants limbering up for the fourth annual Pattaya Puking Contest… They will, as always, be competing for the prestigious Vomitfest Trophy, currently on display on Beach Road… A couple of new Go Gos to report. Rocket A Go Go has opened in Soi Diamond and Honey Girls A Go Go in Soi Honey. The latter had some very comely wenches on its opening night, but it transpired they had all the lookers on a rather short contract. One night, to be precise. In a bold move to relaunch itself with an exciting new image, Blue Lagoon 2 has moved its door from the right to the left hand side of the bar. It’s certainly increased their custom, as there’s still six piss artists in there bouncing off the right hand wall trying to get out. The authorities did a quick tour of inspection around the Walking Street bars the other Wednesday to check that there were no employees under 18 working there. The only one they found was a monkey holding a tin cup, who was subsequently charged with being underage and demanding money with menaces. If you ever get lost in Pattaya, it’s comforting to know that there’s always a handy sign to let you know exactly which area you’re currently in… Some interestingly titled news stories have surfaced in Pattaya recently, including “The Price Of Pork Skyrockets” (do you really need to know how much a rocket made of pork costs?) and “Ladyboy Thief Released Without Charge” (somebody’s been stealing ladyboys?) For those of you thinking of taking your Thai girl to live in the UK, they’re getting a bit fussy about whom they let in these days. To apply for British citizenship, they have to learn to speak good English before applying for the “next stage”, whatever that is. Being able to recite the Koran, probably. A quick update for you UK readers on the earthquake you had a few days ago. Turns out it was just John Prescott falling down the stairs. For those of you new to Pattaya, this is the infamous area known as ‘Buoystown’… And now, a public service announcement. Roadworks will begin shortly along the whole of Soi 17 in South Pattaya in order to replace some old drainage pipes. As this is likely to cause major traffic problems, the works are to be given the highest priority and should be completed within the next 150 years. Finally, the owner of British football club Manchester City arrived in Thailand on Thursday, whereupon he was immediately arrested and thrown into jail. They must have mistaken him for the England manager. A parting thought. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. be seeing you monkeyman

I resent that! I only invade in low season!

Brace yourselves for another shit fight.

Hopefully to be followed by the cretinous louts that have started to invade Pattaya every high season.

I hear that the British Government is now selling tickets for the dance to be held on his grave.

Isn't that Harris Black?

If you were listening to Enya I wouldn't think you'd need the diazepams.

Point made and taken. Inaugural visit coming up.

Would your field of journalism have any bearing on this situation, perchance?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another plunge into the murky depths of Pattaya pondlife. Here we go then. There’s been a bit of controversy lately about the increasing number of bars charging entrance fees to non-farangs. This is apparently because such people are classed as undesirables, though coughing up the asking price of up to 600 baht somehow seems to magically transport them upwards to a more hallowed level on the desirability ladder. Elsewhere on the bar scene, VooDoo briefly became VooDon’t as the place was blacked out for a while. It’s now reopened, though you’ll need a bit of black magic to conjure up a girl as they’re pretty thin on the ground at the moment. Same thing happened at Fun Room A Go Go, which allegedly closed because the customers voted with their feet following new management policies that made the place about as much fun as listening to a chess match on the radio. In what can only be classed as a surprise move, Electric Blue has returned to Soi Diamond in the form of a fast food establishment. However, there’s a rumour of a counter-strike in the offing, and we can expect to see McDonalds A Go Go opening on Walking Street in the next couple of months. Should be some nice buns on show anyway. Also shortly opening on Walking Street (well, Soi 15 to be precise) is the new Misty’s A Go Go, replacing the old one in Soi Pattayaland 2 where girls are rapidly becoming an endangered species. The new place, which promises to be bigger and better than its predecessor, should be open within the next 10 weeks and will no doubt offer generous hospitality to those who give it publicity and write nice things about it. This is Pattaya’s answer to Michaelangelo’s statue of David in Florence. As a local official observed, “Theirs might be taller but ours has got a bigger helmet” Following an English police operation into the running of brothels in that fair land, the Far East Rock owner has been jailed in the UK. We later heard that, in the best traditions of political tit-for-tat, the UK Rock owner has been jailed in the Far East. Rescue workers were called to a house in Naklua the other Thursday after a monkey went berserk and attacked a couple of students. Press statements said that no police were involved in the incident, so it sounds like the monkey didn’t have any backup. The much-heralded smoking ban in bars comes into force on 11 February, though we understand that there’s a place called Throb where the staff will be more than happy to lend a hand if you really fancy a puff. The local Tourist Board have responded to accusations that Pattaya lacks celebrity visitors by releasing this picture of R2D2 taking a stroll along Beach Road. Last week a young newbie Brit tourist staying at the Baboona Hotel on Beach Road was given a lesson in safe sex, Pattaya style. It seems that he had sex with a bargirl then her boyfriend broke into his room and nicked his safe. Our roving reporter, Ben Twilley, stumbled on a story about the Sattahip Police arresting a fortune-teller on suspicion of raping a 22-year-old woman. He allegedly told them that he hadn’t actually done it yet, though he’d give them a definite date if they crossed his palm with silver. The officers were apparently not amused and charged him with being a fake, as he obviously hadn’t known they were coming to arrest him. Two Thai men were arrested on Beach Road on suspicion of drunken behaviour after reports of fight taking place near Soi Pattayaland 2. When questioned, the men told police that they were actually good friends who worked as shoe-shiners and they’d just had a small argument. They denied being drunk, though the police became suspicious after asking the men to provide urine samples. The start of the Deckchair Operator meeting held a week last Friday was delayed for two hours as no one could figure out how the bloody hell to open it. And finally, a bit of breaking news. An international court has ruled that Thailand should be closed for 30 days as it doesn’t have the correct licences. Will the last one to leave please turn the lights out. That’ll teach you to close the Monkey Bar you bastards. be seeing you monkeyman

I heard that too. Guess we'll only be able to go there for breakfast now.

Right and double right. Surely the real issue isn't how much you spend but what you get for your money. If you're getting a good deal at any price then you aren't overpaying. Stand on me, my son.

We were evicted from our cardboard box....

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the third year of our epic mission to boldly go where no mag has gone before. There was a bit of a ruckus at the Pattaya Elephant Village the other week when an elephant went berserk after suddenly becoming sexually aroused for no apparent reason. A local vet had to be called in to relieve the animal’s condition, though after telling police he was glad to lend a hand he was promptly arrested and placed on the sex offenders’ register. A German tourist had his mobile phone nicked on Beach Road a few days ago by what was described in the press as a “broke transsexual”. Guess he must have needed some money to get himself mended. Following a government directive that Thailand should become greener, City Hall sent us this photo as evidence of Pattaya’s remarkable progress to date (if you don’t get this, you’re either viewing it in black and white or you forgot to take your medication). Police were called to a ceramics shop on Third Road a couple of Mondays ago after the owner caught a man trying to steal items of pottery from his premises. The thief, who works as a barman in Soi 8, apparently told police that he wanted to steal the items as he was the only bar worker in the soi without a pair of jugs. Another incident requiring police attention occurred at the Central Festival Centre in North Pattaya, where a Thai woman reported that a Russian tourist had indecently assaulted her with a back-scratcher. Sound like a case of “You scratch my whatsit and I’ll scratch yours”. In a similar vein, a Finnish tourist was arrested on Walking Street just before Christmas after a Thai woman complained to police that the man had groped her and then tipped beer over her. The man, who gave his name as Stig Silvalainen, was quick to pour cold water over her allegations. He also poured cold water over her tits and was promptly arrested. On the entertainment front, Spicy Girls a Go Go has relocated to Soi Post Office, so called because it’s a good place to get your card stamped. We’re not sure which one of these two is Harry Potter, but if it’s the one on the right we sure as hell ain’t sending our kids to Hogwarts. In an act of Christmas charity, the Pattaya Mass Media Club provided a free lunch on December 12 for blind students at the Redemptorists School for the Blind. The students were treated to a sumptuous meal of caviar, pressed duck, pheasant under glass and vintage champagne. Well, that’s what the organisers told them they’d had. Tourist Police officers have been told to be on the lookout for “groups of ill-intentioned people who might pose a threat to tourists” over the holiday period. Sounds like they’ll be spending most of their time arresting each other. A “Best Of Issan” display was featured at a fair held over a couple of days last week at Pattaya School no 8. If you want to see it any other time of year, just drop in to Superbaby. The school also held a dental health event, where volunteer dentists provided free check ups, and we understand that they had a couple of Thai boxers on hand to handle the extractions. A party of Russian tourists caused a rumpus on Beach Road yesterday after arriving in Pattaya and being shown their “luxury air-conditioned suites”. A local council worker is helping police with their enquiries. The local constabulary were out in force on Christmas Eve in order to “ensure the safety of tourists”, and were joined on their tour of Walking Street by a representative from the Mayor’s office. We didn’t spot him, though we understand that he was the one with the sprig of mistletoe down the back of his trousers. Finally, the Pattaya Fire Department were alerted to a blaze in a warehouse on Highway 36 the other Tuesday, but were unable to put it out before 2 million baht’s worth of damage was done. A large amount of stock was destroyed, including a consignment of 5000 smoke alarms, though they presumably weren’t the ones normally used in Pattaya as one of them actually went off. be seeing you monkeyman

The seating plan suggests that it'll be the same layout as the 777 apart from having more Economy Class seats. I was surprised that they put Economy seats in the upper level though.

Glad you liked it.