monkeyman

And they're nearly all the exact same value. Funny that, innit?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining the party, and welcome to yet another April shower of Songkran. Guess it’s okay if you like that sort of thing – but then anything’s okay if you like that sort of thing. Police arrested 14 people after a raid on a poker den in East Pattaya. Members of the Pattaya Bridge Club have reportedly gone into hiding. Officers detained a man after reports that he was walking around Pattaya stark bollock naked. He was taken to the local police station and charged with being in possession of an unfeasibly small dick. Well at least they didn’t have to strip-search him, and he couldn’t really plead not guilty given the available evidence. Following a rabies alert, Pattaya tourists have been advised to stay clear of stray dogs and cats. Stray dogs and cats have, on the other hand, been advised to stay clear of Chinese restaurants. An outrageous theft took place on April 1 at Pattaya Police Station when thieves broke in and stole all the WC pans from the bathroom. Police say they’ve got nothing to go on. Tourist have finally found a use for those shower thingies on Beach Road. They’re using them to refill their water guns. Pattaya Amateur Dramatic Society rehearsing their production of ‘The Great Escape’… Questions are being asked about Pattaya’s so-called “quality tourist” strategy after many visitors expressed their doubts about claims that the latest initiative was a success. One visitor remarked “I really don’t think that not having to share your drink with at least three other people qualifies you as a quality tourist.” A Chinese woman was pulled from the sea and rushed to hospital at the north end of Pattaya beach after being spotted floating in the water. At the suggestion that it may have been a suicide attempt by drowning, an onlooker remarked “It’d have been quicker to just drink the stuff”. Officials were reportedly sent to investigate after a tourist was found unconscious on the steps in front of Ripley’s. No, we don’t believe it either. On the evening of March 28, Thailand and the rest of the planet were treated to Earth Hour 2026, when everyone was encouraged to turn off their lights for one hour “to raise awareness of climate change.” A case of ‘the lights are off but there’s somebody at home’, pretty much the polar opposite of the sort of people promoting this kind of pointless virtue signalling. Spring is here at last… Bar news now, and G Spot on Soi Pothole has closed down (probably because nobody could find it.) Big Banana Club is to reopen as Kohinoor Club, perhaps an unfortunate choice of name as there used to be an Indian restaurant called Kohinoor where the food was so bad the customers used to do a runner before they’d even eaten it. Identi A Go Go has also go go gone. Must have had an Identi crisis. And it looks like Champagne A Go Go wasn’t as dead as it seemed as it’s reopened yet again. They should rename it Lazarus A Go Go. Dollhouse, on the other hand, is still promising to reopen but there’s no sign of anything happening. Hopefully positive developments will ensue. A woman was taken to Pattaya hospital after becoming impaled on an iron fence while picking mangoes. Funny, we always thought they grew on trees. Local authorities have apparently come up with four alternative routes to ease traffic congestion during Songkran. Presumably two of them are up and down. A little local history now with a peek back at Monkeywatch in April 2016… “Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a mere 500 baht as he hadn’t realised it was so valuable. A seminar and workshop were held last month at a Beach Road hotel aimed at promoting Muslim tourism. Reservations were expressed by some attendees, though there was an enthusiastic response from Indian tailors who are already said to be planning ahead by producing waistcoats with at least 20 pockets. An employee is suspected of being responsible for a Central Road hotel room break-in which an Indian couple were robbed of 40,000 baht and an iPhone 6 …and a dozen Faberge eggs, an original painting by Matisse, the Kohinoor diamond, the Ark of the Covenant and a signed copy of the Koran. Police are making further enquiries before the submission of the insurance claim. The Chonburi Immigration Service has deported a man back to Russia following a request from the Russian Embassy. The man was described as a Russian mobster wanted for corruption, fraud, drugs, prostitution and money laundering. Or, to put it another way, a Russian.” One thinks that Pattaya’s claim to have a beachfront tennis court may be a little exaggerated… After a series of tour bus crashes in Thailand, it’s being reported that foreign tourists in Pattaya are becoming scared of long-distance road travel. They should be more scared of crossing the bloody road. It’s been reported that a German has been beaten on Pattaya Beach. You’d think the Germans would have gotten used to being beaten by now (though not usually by katoeys.) Travellers to Thailand have been warned to stay alert following reports that credit cards are being stolen during flights. One victim got particularly agitated, though it wasn’t entirely surprising as he turned out to be the pilot. Looks like we’ve got to padlock our bloody hand luggage now. Finally, some airlines have announced that passengers playing music on their phones at an annoyingly loud level will be ejected from the plane. Hopefully they won’t wait until it lands. be seeing you monkeyman

No idea I'm afraid.

It seems that it hasn't bitten as much dust as we thought as it's due to reopen on April 2.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to more mad as a March hare goings on from the city that never peeps – it just looks you straight in the eye then farts in your face. Sophistication, Thai style. Foreign women loitering on Beach Road at night have been questioned by immigration authorities after “complaints by tourists” (yeah, right.) Wonder what questions they were asked? Wouldn’t mind betting that “Do you take it up the shitter?” was in there somewhere. Local businesses have been warned that they face a 15-day closure if they block access to public spaces. On hearing this news, a tourist went to the police station and complained that a bunch of stinking pigs were blocking a narrow Soi in Jomtien and asked for the police to close them down for 15 days. He was told this wasn’t possible, though it was later reported that all the stinking pigs in question had been spotted unconscious in a rubbish skip. Guess he must’ve had a word with them. An Italian chappie escaped punishment after apologising for stealing a golden lion statue from a Thai restaurant while allegedly pissed as a fart. The owner decided not to press charges after the statue was returned. She should’ve given him a wop round the head. This year’s Pattaya Kite Festival was won by a kite modelled on Tom Jones’s willy… A sea turtle has been found dead on Pattaya Beach. Police are treating the death as suspicious and a number of suspects have been questioned. We think the butler did it, though he denies all involvement. Well he would, wouldn’t he? A Chinese tourist was rushed to Pattaya hospital the other week after collapsing on Jomtien Beach. Doctors examined the man and found him to be suffering from an acute case of “pissed as a newt”. Makes a change from yellow fever. Several crew members had to be rescued from the water after a 20-ton squid fishing boat sank just off the coast of a local island. Not surprising really. I mean, what kind of an idiot goes fishing for 20-ton squids? Pattaya has been chosen as the opening location for Thailand’s reboot of Doctor Who… Bar news time, and a new go go called Eve’s Club has opened on LK Metro. Not to be outdone, Walking Street also has a new go go that goes by the name of X Club Pattaya. PH 3.9 A Go Go has closed (it must have failed the acid test), and it looks like Champagne A Go Go has shut down yet again. Shame that. Back in the day, it wasn’t a place where you’d get pissed off – quite the reverse in fact. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. The latest arrival is Maggie May’s A Go Go, the location of which should be fairly obvious. Thailand plans to increase its drive to woo back Chinese tourists with safer and higher-quality tourism, so we can presumably expect the south end of Walking Street to be shut down before too long. The past comes back to haunt us as we look back at some bits and pieces from Monkeywatch in March 2016… “We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings. A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling. A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face. A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl. A Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it.” Pattaya’s new tube service hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… A Thai homeowner who always insisted on driving diesel powered cars sort of had his point proved when an e-bike left in his garage exploded in the middle of the night, setting fire to his beloved diesel and burning most of his house down. So much for looking after the environment. Speaking of electric bikes, Pattaya’s Public Health Department field operatives have been issued with half a dozen of the things to use on their public health patrols. Don’t think it’ll do much for their own health – if the car fumes don’t get them then some looney driver most certainly will. Finally, it’s been reported that Thailand’s polishing of its image is having a negative effect on Pattaya. Guess it proves the old adage “You can’t polish a turd.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this year’s St. Valentine’s Day massacre, where love is in the air (apparently.) Well, the New Year has arrived in Pattaya and brought with it new heights of stinking piggery. The malodorous little buggers have been setting up camp sites on the beach and hordes of them have been sleeping there overnight. They complied with officials when they were told to remove their tents but seemed to be somewhat miffed when they found out that they weren’t being moved into four star hotels. Looks like they’ll be heading back to Calais then. It’s been commented that men in Pattaya who wear shorts and no shirts send out the wrong message if they’re trying to impress the ladies. On the other hand, girls who wear no shirts and no shorts are most definitely sending out the right message. As one girl said “Are those elephant pants or are you just pleased to see me?” No idea why she said that. The Pattaya Riviera Group (no, we don’t know either) recently held their 2026 staff party with a theme of “Under the Sea”. Wonder if they got the idea from the Koh Larn Ferry? Can you spot the Chinese tourist on the red and white mat? Not easy is it?.. It’s been reported that a foreign tourist has been found pissed out of his mind outside a convenience store in Jomtien. Well how about that. In other breaking news, a number of grains of sand have been found on the beach. Unbelievable. Scientists have confirmed that bat droppings found in Pattaya pose no health risk to the public. Suppose it might send them bat shit crazy. A man was rushed to a Pattaya hospital after deciding it was would be a good idea to insert a metal ring into his dick. Medics managed to remove the offending ring, though it left the man with severe swelling so maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. The reduction in numbers of Chinese tourists to Pattaya has led to travel companies slightly downsizing their tour buses… Bar news time, and Milk A Go Go is now officially up for sale. Any takers? Elsewhere, Abyss A Go Go is opening on Walking Street and Jisoo A Go Go on Soi 15 has closed, though not many people noticed that it’d opened in the first place. Authorities say they are disappointed that so few visitors to Pattaya have followed their advice to download the POLICE CARE mobile app, which was introduced to help people avoid online scams. However, a survey revealed that people were reluctant to do so as they thought that the app itself was a scam. Sounds like we need another app to identify anti-scam scams. Turn off your minds, relax and float downstream now with a gander at three tales of yore from Monkeywatch in February 2016… “A Go Go dancer was injured last week after being attacked with a corkscrew by a fellow worker outside their bar. Hospital staff were a little confused when told that the injured lady had been screwed half to death, assuming this to be an occupational hazard in her line of work. Chinese tourists have been branded as a bunch of yobbos by their own government after a series of unsavoury incidents in various countries, not least the appalling racket in Suvarnabhumi Airport that was meant to be a collective rendition of their National Anthem but sounded more like a cat sliding down a blackboard. A warning has been issued that further repetitions of this kind of behaviour will result in the miscreants being banned from foreign travel. Wonder if any of the Ruskies fancy a sing song? Following a tip off from ‘an informant’, over 50 police officers raided a senior citizens’ bridge club in South Pattaya, apparently because they thought some kind of gambling was going on. The raid came as something of a surprise to the assortment of British, Irish, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Danish, German, Canadian, Australian and New Zealander club members, as they’ve been holding meeting 3 times a week without let or hindrance since well before the end of the last century. Needless to say, the police found no evidence of gambling (because there wasn’t any) so in a desperate attempt to save face they used a little known 80 year old law forbidding anyone to own more than 120 playing cards as an excuse to arrest all 32 players and cart them off to the local nick, taking the cards and tournament records with them as evidence. The hapless geriatrics were held in custody and interrogated for 12 hours then forced to sign confessions that they’d been gambling (even though they hadn’t) before being released on bail – except for one lady who refused to sign and remained incarcerated. And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that one of the arrested players was a former Honorary British Consul. The president of Thailand’s bridge league had to get her arse over to Pattaya so she could explain to the police exactly how the game is played. What started out as a little local story found its way onto BBC TV News, then the British national press picked it up, and now it’s gone viral and spread across the entire planet’s media services, once again dragging Thailand’s reputation through the mire and making it the laughing stock of the world. Mongers of Pattaya rejoice – a few more incidents like this and you’ll have the place to yourselves.” A Walking Street club has removed a notice from the front of its premises after accusations of discrimination against farang women… Beer bars and massage parlours are said to be unhappy with the levels of spending in their establishments even though tourist numbers are on the up. Some are blaming “cautious consumer spending” while others are blaming “tight-fisted tossers”. Just two ways of saying the same thing really. Pattaya Tourist Police have been making sure that people boarding boats to Koh Larn are equipped with life jackets. Perhaps when the next rainy season arrives they could offer the same service to people on Walking Street. Yet more fake monks have been discovered in Pattaya, this time in the Soi Buakhao area where they were seen touting for donations. They were detained after irregularities were found in their monk identification documents and were then taken to a temple where they were formally disrobed. So how can you formally disrobe a fake monk then? Finally, a chemical lab linked to Chinese nationals has been found in Pattaya. A spokesman said “For all we know, these nasty little yellow buggers may have been trying to start a new pandemic.” Covid 2? Let’s hope not – sequels are never as good as the original. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a big showaddy crap to 2026, and welcome to another year of the Pattaya doom loop. Prices up, tourists down, bar girls older than the punters, stinking pigs everywhere, a 12 month a year rainy season and a no month a year high season. But otherwise okay. Well, the Christmas period in Pattaya was rudely interrupted by the arrival of a cruise liner carrying over 2500 people. Now as we all know, the main characteristic of these ships is that they tend to be populated by the most appalling scum that ever dragged their knuckles across the face of the planet and this one was clearly no exception. They went through the city like a plague of locusts eating, drinking and smashing anything they could lay their clammy hands on, and left the place looking like a building site. Well okay, it looked like a building site before they arrived but that’s no excuse for their excremental behaviour. Makes you appreciate how well the regular tourists behave. No, hang on a minute… Pattaya’s new smart pedestrian crossing didn’t get off to a great start when the mayor was nearly hit by a truck that failed to stop at the red light. The truck driver said he saw the lights but thought they were advertising something. Polish Airlines has massively increased the number of its flights to Thailand so we can expect to see an increase in pole dancing in the not too distant future. Well it’s an improvement on bouncing turbans. This sign must have been inspired by the opening titles of Fawlty Towers… The local authorities have come up with a solution to complaints about the bad air quality on Beach Road. They’ve removed the air pollution monitor. There you go, job done. A 14 year old Thai lad riding a motorcycle had a bit of a surprise when a low hanging internet cable wrapped itself round his neck and pulled him off his bike, which then careered into a grilled chicken shop. The boy was only slightly hurt but the grilled chickens were decimated. Strangely, nobody seems to have noticed that the boy was too young to ride a motorcycle anyway. There’s no bloody justice. A Thai bloke had to be rescued by authorities after he drove his car onto a railway track and squashed a cat. When asked to explain his behaviour he tried to blame it on the cat but the onlookers generally agreed that the more likely explanation was the fact that he was pissed out of his mind. The latest batch of quality tourists have just been dropped off on Beach Road… Bar news now, and Penthouse A Go Go has reached the end of the road. Funny that, as it started out somewhere in the middle. Anyway, it’s now reopened as Big Banana Club so you’ll probably have to enter via the back passage. The old Secrets premises is to reopen once again, this time as Rio Gentlemen’s Club. We also have a new arrival on LK Metro going by the name of Privacy Club, possibly indicative of the number of customers they’re likely to get. Soi Diamond has a new club called Dreams Fantasy 1 which is situated in the old Heaven Above premises. A new rooftop gentlemen’s club is apparently on the way. It’ll be on the top floor of a hotel and is to be named The Flying Club so it’s probably a good idea to keep looking upwards if you’re walking past the place. A family living in Nongprue were somewhat surprised when a car ploughed into their house and smashed its way into the bathroom area. The house owner said was woken by a massive bang but couldn’t get out of his bedroom because a car was blocking the door. He went on to say that he’d lived there for 15 years and had never experienced anything like this before. Strangely, neither had any of his neighbours. Look forward to the past now as we revisit some unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in January 2016… “In a surprise move, Pattaya and Bangkok police carried out raids on two Ruskie Go Go Bars last week, resulting in the arrest of several dancers and punters. The owner of one of the bars, a Mr Lucky Lucianovich, protested that he was a legitimate businessman and demanded to know why the police were arresting his ballerinas and art loving clientele. He added that he would be complaining to the Minister for Culture until police informed him that the Minister had been found hiding under a table during the raid on the other bar. A chap was arrested by Pattaya police last Friday after being caught stealing women’s underwear from a washing line. When questioned, he claimed his name was Arnold Layne and he’d been planning to take a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express but didn’t have anything to wear. He apologised for his actions and said he’ll now go on the normal Siberian Express instead. Bali Hai was in the news yet again the other Wednesday when one of the Koh Larn ferries was incinerated in a mystery blaze while moored in the port. Unusually for a Koh Larn ferry, it didn’t actually sink – it just set fire to two other Koh Larn ferries that both sank instead. The following Wednesday, the Chief of Banglamung District turned up at Bali Hai to launch the New Year Marine Safety Campaign for Pattaya. Yeah, right. One thing the campaign will focus on is checks on the use of life jackets. One suspects that they may be used quite a lot.” Rumour is that the more affluent Indian tourists are beginning to arrive… It’s been confirmed that a man in Jomtien threatened tourists with a knife after it was incorrectly reported that he’d threatened them with a jelly. That’s Google Translate for you. Pattaya is to add 200 more CCTV cameras to its surveillance system. When asked if this would help to reduce crime, an official said “No, but it’ll give us loads more stuff to put on TikTok.” Finally, a Belgian man was seriously injured after falling from the 7th floor of a Pattaya hotel. A witness said the man seemed to have been knocked off his balcony by a Chinese man who’d fallen from the 12th floor. Looks like synchronised plummeting could be this year’s thing. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to a cool yule, and welcome to the Christmas edition of Monkeywatch – which is the same as all the others. Humbug. Walking Street seems to be something of a talking point at the moment as city leaders wrestle with the street’s rapid decline in popularity with international tourists who now refer to it using names like Little India, Mumbai Village and George Foreman – oh sorry, that should be Mohammed Alley. Mind you, there are other points of contention too, like rip-off prices for drinks and ladies, and touts selling tickets to ping-pong shows that turn out to be table tennis matches. Anyway, while the city officials are insistent that Walking Street can be revived, they seem to have bugger all idea of how to do it. Maybe that idyllic artist’s impression of a future look for the Walking Street area that they commissioned a few years ago could be the solution? Nah, only kidding. Rescuers pulled 12 people out of Pattaya Bay after the fishing vessel they were travelling in sank off the coast of Koh Larn. The victims said they were going to visit Koh Larn but didn’t want to use the ferry as “they’d heard it wasn’t safe.” Good job they weren’t taking the ferry to Koh Kood as that one sank as well. Police received a complaint from some residents in Pattaya after 1.14 million baht of their money went missing. They probably got their pockets picked by ladyboys on Beach Road. Still, it makes a change from 50,000 baht gold necklaces. Now here’s something you don’t see every day… Motorcycle accidents are of course common in Pattaya, but rather less usual was a case the other week of a motorcyclist who actually died while he was riding along on his bike. The bike predictably crashed and a girl who was riding astride the petrol tank was injured. She must be what they call a tank slapper. A bar host caused a huge traffic jam in Naklua when he passed out at the wheel of his car. Authorities moved his car off the road and took him to the police station where the police doctor examined him and concluded that his condition was caused by him being ‘pissed as a fart.’ Minor injuries were sustained by a drunken woman after she collided with a parked car in East Pattaya. Police observed that the accident could have been far worse if she’d been driving a vehicle at the time. Yeah, sure… Bar news time, and it looks like Milk has gone sour and bitten the dust once again. We have some new places open though. Eden A Go Go has opened on Walking Street, and we also have Spicy Saparot A Go Go on LK Metro and Heat Lounge A Go Go on Soi Lengkee. An American was injured after he plummeted from a second floor balcony in South Pattaya. Reports that he was in training for the so-called Pattaya Flying Club have been dismissed. Meet the Ghost of Christmas Past now with a bumper rummage into the Santa sack of Monkeywatch in December 2015… “The discussions about enforcing the ban on bars in Pattaya being situated within 300 metres of all educational establishments (or 500 metres depending on who you listen to) have been adjourned with no agreement reached. Shame, as we thought this ban was a good idea. There’s nothing worse than the sound of noisy kids when you’re having a short-time in the afternoon. It’s been said that a ban could close many bars in Pattaya, even extending to Walking Street, but they clearly overlooked a much more satisfactory way of complying with such regulations. Close all the feckin’ schools. Pattaya is on a heightened state of alert following reports that two members of so-called Islamic Stinking Pig are on their way to the city in order to blow everybody on Walking Street to buggery. In response to this, police apprehended one Muslim and carried out a controlled explosion on what they thought was a stick of explosive in his trousers but turned out to be his penis. Oh well, at least some good came out of it. Don’t suppose he’ll have the balls to try anything now. A Thai village chief is being commended after handing in a bag containing over $6,000 which he found next to a swimming pool in a Pattaya hotel. Police described the man as ‘a model public spirited citizen’, while his wife described him as ‘a dickhead’. Thailand is supporting this year’s International Anti-Corruption Day with the motto “Transparent Thailand”. Presumably because everybody will see through it in an instant.” A new Indian restaurant. Just what we need… Pattaya officials are looking to develop what they call “creative nightlife tourism.” Funny that, as all the bars that tried something like this in the past had a three year closure order slapped on them. A tourist who was reported missing after he told his friends he was going potholing has been found in a short-time room in Soi Chaiyapoon. An Immigration Police raid on a so-called safe house in Pattaya resulted in the arrest of 17 Indian nationals, most of whom were found to have overstayed their visas. Wasn’t too safe for them, was it? Also found was a small bottle of beer and 17 straws. Some say that Indians have saved Pattaya as tourist numbers from other countries have dropped dramatically, while others say that Indians are the reason why the other tourists stopped coming in the first place. Hang on, isn’t this where we came in? Well, that’s it for another year. Wasn’t very Christmassy was it? Wishing you all a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. be seeing you monkeyman

Just out of curiosity, does anyone know what that galleon in the photo is doing off the coast of Pattaya? Photo taken on Beach Road in late September.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us, and welcome to the month of Loy Krathong, or whatever else floats your boat. Looking at the state of some of the young blokes wandering around Pattaya, you have to wonder if their hairdressers and their tailors are competing with each other for some kind of comedy award. A Pakistani DJ working in Pattaya was given a right good kicking by a group of food delivery riders on South Pattaya Road who accused him of causing trouble. Anyone who’s heard Pakistani music would no doubt say “guilty as charged.” A Ukrainian chappie is in hospital after he sprayed mosquito repellent on a ladyboy and was then stabbed by the victim. Police noted that he had previously been arrested for spraying cockroach repellent on a group of Muslims, though there was no mention as to whether or not it worked. Officials enforcing the ban on driving vehicles on Pattaya Beach seem to have missed this one… Counterfeit goods have always been around in Pattaya but now we also have a counterfeit monk. The fellow in question had also set up a counterfeit temple and was obtaining money by deception. He was taken by the authorities to a local temple where the abbot ordered him to remove his robes. He was then arrested for indecent exposure and taken to the local police station. Oh well, all’s well that ends well. A German tourist was injured after he fell down a drain in central Pattaya. Makes a change – last time the local authorities cleaned out the drainage system the only people they found down there were Russians. Topless bathing was taken to a new level when the bottom half of a body was found floating in the water off the coast of Pattaya. The remains have been sent to forensic experts for investigation into the cause of death. One suspects that being sliced in half might be a strong contender. Looks like Pattaya’s green credentials are slipping a little… Bar news now, and the Maggie May Beer Garden is now up and running, though not all the bars are open yet and some of the more interesting features are yet to be installed. Let’s wait and see how it pans out. A teenage Thai was shot dead in East Pattaya after following a group of youths to settle a dispute. This is generally accepted to be the Thai version of arbitration. Time for times gone by with a look back a couple of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in November 2015… “The local Tourism Authority office has reported that Chinese tourists continue to flock to Koh Larn despite the various ghastly fates that have befallen many of their fellow countrymen while visiting the Land of Smiles. A representative from Zero Coin Tours, a popular Chinese travel company, said “They seemed to be okay with the bombings, rapes and decapitations, so we thought we’d give shipwrecks a go.” Unfortunately, he said it in Chinese and it got translated as “There’s a purple emu urinating on my rubber chicken”. Must be what they mean by Chinese whispers. There’s been some discussion recently where it’s been postulated that the GFE or girlfriend experience is no longer readily available in Patts. Really? We were reading only the other day about a chap who took a girl to his room where she refused to have sex with him, then smashed a bottle over his head and took his money, phone and motorcycle. Now that’s a real GFE for you.” Pattaya officials insist that no pirated goods are being shipped into the city… An Indian tourist reported to police that his 70,000 baht gold necklace was stolen by two ladyboys and, well, you’ve heard it all before. Concerns were raised that this sort of thing damages Pattaya’s reputation as a safe, world-class holiday resort. So where did this reputation come from exactly? It’s being reported that the girls in Pattaya are turning more and more to Japanese, Korean and Chinese men because they are more generous with their spending than Europeans. The fact that their dicks aren’t visible to the naked eye probably helps as well. And remember, in Pattaya the definition of style is barfining a showgirl when you can’t find your bottle opener. be seeing you monkeyman

Thanks for the update. With a name like that I was expecting some kind of restaurant. Wonder what they do with those pineapples?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once again, and welcome to this month’s delve into our bag of unsavoury snacks. Police were called to a massage shop after a Chinese quality tourist refused to stop filming inside the premises. It turned out that the little bugger wasn’t even a customer. The police removed the man after the staff had given him a free lower intestine massage with a toilet brush. A Pattaya hotel has apparently distributed 800 survival kits to less well-off residents of the city. So what’s a survival kit then? An ounce of weed and a six-pack? There was an article published recently discussing the transport options in Pattaya for senior foreign tourists. Strangely, hearse wasn’t on the list. Well at least it’s a step up from Indians and Chinese… Now Thailand has officially recognised poker as a sport, hopes are growing that card games in general with be looked at more favourably, which could lead to members of the Pattaya Bridge Club having their life sentences commuted. Pattaya has begun installing crosswalk lights to help pedestrians cross the roads in busy areas. Basically, it works like this. When pedestrians arrive at the crossing they press a button and wait for the signal to say it’s safe to cross the road. They then believe this and so step into the road and immediately get run over by a speeding baht bus. Regular visitors to Pattaya know that there’s only one rule to follow when crossing the road. Look left, right, up and down. Teams of Pattaya workers have been spending weekends clearing blockages from the local drainage system. Probably clogged up with dead Russians like last time. Thai smoking shelters sure are expensive… Bar news now, and Cheetah A Go Go on LK Metro seems to be turning into Spicy Saparot, though what manner of establishment it will be remains to be seen. The Maggie May’s beer bar complex should be open by the beginning of November and promises to offer a new beer bar experience. The concept sounds interesting – let’s wait and see. It’s not difficult to see why Mr Bean is so popular in Thailand, given that their home grown comedy basically consists of swanee whistles, arse kicking and nose tweaking. By comparison, Mr Bean is positively highbrow. Into reverse gear now as we look back at a couple of dubious goings-on from Monkeywatch in October 2015… “Miss Thailand is to pay homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant when she plans to appear dressed as a tuk-tuk. She did however make it clear that anyone expecting a ride for 10 baht was likely to be disappointed. It’s been reported that Thai girls like men who shave down below and are particularly partial to blokes with Brazilians. Not true. I showed a group of Thai birds a photo of me standing between Pele and Felipe Massa and they weren’t impressed at all.” Tourists who pay touts for a ping-pong show usually end up here… People who ask why Indian tourists walk side by side have obviously never walked behind one in a headwind. Visitors to Jomtien Beach have noticed a strange darkening of the seawater in the area. No official explanation of this phenomenon has been forthcoming, though some have suggested that it may have something to do with the new breed of quality tourists swimming there. It’s been reported that an Indian tourist has died at a South Pattaya hotel after an attempted suicide. Attempted? One wonders what he would have needed to do to be deemed to have been successful. Finally, following reports from amazed onlookers at Terminal 21, an elephant and its mahout have been banned from selling sugarcane in Pattaya. Don’t supposed the elephant’s too bothered. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another gander at all things Pattaya. As the renowned philosopher Steven Tyler once said, “Nothing exceeds like excess.” On with the show. Well, the spiffy new 3D sign at the entrance to Walking Street is finally up and running and tourists can be seen admiring it as they pass by on their way to somewhere else. One tourist remarked “It makes you feel like you’re in a world-class tourist resort – as long as you don’t look anywhere else.” A restaurant owner on Walking Street has been fined for dumping his waste in a public drain. Why couldn’t he just go to the toilet like normal people? Police had to intervene in a dispute on Beach Road between a woman and an Indian quality tourist after he grabbed her tits to see if he was going to get his money’s worth. He decided he wasn’t, at which point she kicked off and a small crowd gathered to watch the evening’s entertainment. However, the situation was resolved by the police, the woman went on her way and the Indian was ordered to attend a lecture on social etiquette. We understand these lectures normally take place behind the police station and involve the liberal use of batons. A new football game has been designed in Thailand for use by Chinese tour groups… Police were called to another incident at Pattaya Beach when two Chinese tourists were injured after crashing their jet skis into each other. Emergency responders were called but their services were not required as the jet skis were found to have suffered only minor damage. Tourists worried about their safety have been reassured by the authorities that Pattaya is a safe place to be. A representative admitted that there had been a gunfight in Jomtien but added that the bullets had all missed holidaymakers – well, most of them anyway. Koh Larn has just opened a new waste incinerator to get rid of their garbage problem. Interestingly, it’s been noted that since the plant opened the ferries seem to be returning from the island without any passengers. The downsizing plan for U-Tapau Airport has been rejected by officials after they were shown the proposed new layout… Time for very little bar news, and Le Pub a Go Go is now up and running, though everyone presumably knows already. The new Maggie Mays beer bar complex looks like it’ll need a big push to be ready for its November 1 opening date. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. It’s reckoned in some quarters that Pattaya has too many Indian restaurants. This may be true but it’ll only be a temporary problem as TAT are doing their best to make sure they’re all full up. Reminiscences of a bygone age now as we sneak a cheeky glance over our shoulders at Monkeywatch in September 2015… “The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes. Security in Pattaya has been tightened since the shenanigans in Bangkok and as early as the next day police were seen checking under cars in Walking Street using mirrors on sticks. These devices have been used in Walking Street before, but mainly during raids on Go Go bars to check if the girls were wearing underwear. A meeting was held in North Pattaya last week to discuss how to raise the standard of the city’s baht bus drivers. Points raised included rudeness, overcharging passengers and bad parking. The drivers said they did these things already but would endeavour do them even better in future.” Pattaya is always ready to provide accommodation for the more discerning quality tourist… It seems that Pattaya needs more foreign tourists to bolster its ailing alcohol market. Not sure that the current plan to flood the city with Indians will improve the situation any. Why don’t they encourage Brits to come instead? A dozen should be more than enough. It’s been announced that the mayor is considering a new boat drop-off point for the elderly. So not satisfied with arresting the elderly for playing bridge they now want to drop them off boats as well. A Chinese tourist caused a bit of a stir after climbing onto the balcony of his 26th floor hotel room and threatening to jump off. Rescue teams eventually persuaded him to come down so the whoopee cushion they’d put on the ground to break his fall wasn’t needed after all. It seems that some visitors do actually approve of Pattaya Beach’s ‘no deckchair’ days. Presumably these are the visitors who don’t mind standing up all day because all the seats on Beach Road have long since been taken away. A number of Chinese and Korean tourists were arrested in East Pattaya after a raid on an illegal poker den. No elderly expat bridge players are thought to have been involved. Finally, a word of advice. If you go into a Japanese cocktail bar while in Pattaya, be sure you order a B-52 and not a B-19. Sayonara. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the height of summer, and to the floods that come with it these days. You’ll probably get better weather at home. The latest establishment in Pattaya to burn to the ground is Catflaps in Pratumnak, which met its demise due to “a faulty bug zapper.” When police visited the premises belonging to the vendor of the offending item, they were told “It wasn’t faulty. It killed all the bugs, didn’t it?” A small group of Koreans had an expensive night out in a Naklua restaurant when they were presented with a bill for 100,000 baht. This may seem a little on the expensive side, though the figure became inflated somewhat after the group members had a small difference of opinion which ended up in a mass brawl that completely trashed the premises. Wonder if they left a tip? Pattaya Police are to start issuing substantial fines for helmet violations, so if anybody violates your helmet you should get down to the local cop shop pronto. Pattaya residents have been complaining to local officials that the theft of sand from the beaches is getting out of hand… Apparently, Thailand is fighting to win back Chinese tourists. Let’s hope it gets knocked out in the first round. A Thai woman has been arrested for allegedly having sex with nine monks then using 80,000 covertly obtained videos and photos of their antics to blackmail the hapless fellows into handing over 385 million baht in the last three years. However, one question that nobody seems to be asking is how in the name of Satan’s trousers did nine monks come up with that kind of money. Enquiring minds need to know. Some tourists have said that the reason they keep coming back to the same bars in Pattaya is that the girls talk to them and call them by name. Suppose this could be good or bad depending on what sort of names they call them. Whatever happened to all the really useful signs that you used to see around Pattaya?.. Bar news time, and Walking Street has yet another new addition, namely Atmos a Go Go. It replaces Glass House, which set the bar in terms of entertainment at a level that a limbo dancer would have had trouble getting underneath. Le Pub is set to expand its brief to incorporate Le Pub a Go Go into the same premises. Don’t suppose they’ll need many customers to fill the place up. The latest wave of Indian tourists to arrive in Pattaya apparently contain members of their ‘middle-class’. As far as we can make out, these are the ones who can afford their own room in a backstreet doss house without having to share it with a dozen or more of their compatriots. The social climbers are on the move. Fade into the mists of time now as we drift back to the heady days of Monkeywatch in August 2015… “The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres. A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht in Soi 6 by giving him a note he later realised to be play money (he must have had a monopoly in the area.) Acting on the man’s description, police went to Walking Street and arrested everybody in Soi 16. The Workability Asia conference 2015 was held in the Pattaya Hilton on July 8-10 where the main theme was the spotlighting of disabled people in Asia. The idea has now been abandoned as disabled people said they didn’t like being fitted with spotlights. Ungrateful bastards. Local immigration officials have been taking lessons on how to better identify foreign criminals. They were told to look out for criminals who aren’t Thais.” If you visit Nong Nooch, be sure not to miss the display of fossilised elephant shit… The Minister for Tourism recently visited Walking Street, promising more support for tourism and tourist safety. Hopefully the “tourist safety” bit won’t involve police smashing their way into bars, forcing tourists to piss into a bucket then throwing them out on the street like it usually does. Much has been written about the purpose of TAT’s new “Value over Volume” policy. Basically the bottom line is “quality tourists in, stinking pigs out.” Trouble is, this ‘new’ strategy has been tried at least a dozen times before, and we’ve all seen the results of that. It’ll be back to stinking pigs in a few months. Finally, police are telling Thai women to “stay assertive” when dealing with men they’ve just met as they may not be as friendly as they seem, so next time you offer a bar girl a drink don’t be surprised if she responds by giving you a kick in the bollocks. be seeing you monkeyman

I was thinking that most people wouldn't know about the vinegar remedy (I didn't) so a company selling the stuff might want to encourage tourists to buy a bottle. Perhaps the joke was a little too obscure.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for tagging along, and welcome to Pattaya as it begins its celebration of the Year of the Stinking Pig. No wonder the Chinese all left. Well, a new law passed by the Thai government at the end of last month means that in certain areas we can now buy alcohol 24 hours a day. All we need now is somewhere that’s open 24 hours a day so we can buy it. Investigations are under way after parts of Sukhumvit Road were plunged into darkness following the theft of street light control cables. A local spokesman said “We take a very dim view of this sort of behaviour.” Following an incident in which a tourist was kicked in the head while buying a soda at 3:50am, visitors to Pattaya have been warned of the dangers of buying soda during the hours of darkness. One suspects that this sign may have been sponsored by a vinegar company… If seems that the anticipated erection at the entrance to Walking Street will now be delayed until August, so anyone feeling the need for an erection before then is advised to make their own arrangements. Questions are being asked after 20 South Koreans were arrested in Pattaya for something or other. When asked why the arrests had been made a spokesman said “We haven’t decided yet.” The men were allegedly later released without charge and 20 Burmese migrant workers arrested instead ‘to make up the numbers.’ Locals fed up with the behaviour of miscreants in their area have said that nothing will change as long as officials only use verbal warnings against those involved. Their suggestion, however, that “the police should go in and kick seven shades of shit out of them” was not well received as it was deemed to be potentially damaging to the image of the city (not to mention the miscreants.) Following the recent huge influx of Indian tourists, Pattaya has planted a special tree to welcome them to the city… Bar news time, and it’s been reported that Cupido Club on Soi 15 has already shut its doors, cementing the soi’s latterly acquired reputation as the graveyard of go go’s. What a difference a few years makes. Much the same for Penthouse, which has closed down once again. It’s being claimed that the current situation with cannabis in Thailand is that it’s neither legal nor illegal. So it’s in the same category as prostitution, smoking in bars and shooting red lights? Okay, we understand. Time for this month’s history lesson as we look back to some yarns from Monkeywatch in July 2015… “A Thai bloke was arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught on CCTV burgling an apartment on Third Road and stealing money, jewellery and a smartphone. When the man was arrested by police on Soi Buakhao, he immediately shat himself and had to be taken back to the police station for a change of clothes. Now that’s a real turd burglar for you. Passengers had to be rescued from the Koh Larn ferry when it sank last month on the return leg of its trip from Pattaya. The reason for the sinking has yet to be established, though it’s been speculated that it may have hit a piece of stray wreckage from the Koh Larn ferry operated by the same company that sank in 2013. Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Bottom of the barrel, more like. It’s been announced that Pattaya’s baht buses are to get a safety upgrade in the form of safety nets, which will be attached to the sides of the vehicles to protect passengers and their valuables. In years to come, people will no doubt tell stories of the days when men were men and rode baht buses without the aid of a safety net. Others will tell stories of how they used to catch fish for a living until some bastards stole their nets and stuck them onto the sides of baht buses to comply with some half-witted piece of legislation.” They’ve got less regulations than this at the bloody police station… The public showers on Beach Road have finally been fixed, which has been well received by most visiting tourists, though the news seemed to cause a group of Indians to flee in panic for some reason. Police are warning tourists that open-air bars put them at risk of theft. Very true. Have you seen how much some of them are charging for a beer lately? Alarm has been expressed after a Swede was beaten up by a gang on Soi Buakhao. Police have advised all root vegetables in the area to be on their guard. Finally, a delivery driver in Naklua was given a good kicking by a road worker after he rode his bike over some newly painted traffic lines. Well that’s often what happens to people in Pattaya when they cross the line. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and showaddy crap to more midsummer madness in the City of Stinking Pigs. We don’t try to curry favour here. Well, in the case of Thailand, it looks like tourism from the yellow peril has been well and truly flushed down the crapper. A tourism representative said it was like watching an empire vanish. Others might say it was more like watching a carbuncle vanish. Trouble is, it may be replaced by something even more ghastly. A Pattaya woman is facing criminal charges after she faked a robbery to explain why all her farang boyfriend’s money had gone missing. Seems like Thai women are finding new things to fake. There’s been a spot of bother on Koh Larn, where people have been persuaded to part with large amounts of money to book into resorts that don’t actually exist. People who tried to contact the president of the island’s accommodation association were alarmed to find out that he didn’t exist either. It seems that the only verifiably real person involved in this whole sorry mess is some kind of entertainer called Eed Ponglang. Well with a name like that he’d have to be real, wouldn’t he? Tourists in Pattaya have been advised to beware of ‘underground tours’. We think we may have found one of them… Following a small resurgence of that nasty Covid thingy, a school in Pattaya has decreed that the kiddies all have to wear face masks while on the premises. These masks will no doubt be the cheap cloth ones that are about as good at stopping Covid as a submarine net is at stopping ball bearings. You might as well try to make the tide go back like King Cnut (or is it spelt Canute?) Still, looking on the bright side, at least if you go back to the missus with a sore throat you can blame it on Covid once again. Passengers concerned about flying to Thailand have been assured that there’s nothing to worry about as long as they avoid booking with airlines whose planes are held together with spit and curry powder. Local authorities have come up with a new crackdown accompanied by the slogan “Drive Drunk, Lose Your Car.” Very true. When you come out of a bar pissed as a rat it can be a bugger trying to remember where you parked the bloody thing. For some, a holiday in Pattaya is no more than a pipe dream… Bar news time, and there’s quite a bit of activity to catch up on. Go Go bars that have recently met their demise include Mamasan and Ka Boom on Walking Street and Cheetahs on LK Metro. On a brighter note, several new Go Gos have opened, including Geisha and Harem on Walking Street, Jisoo on Soi 15 and Dirty Money on Soi Buakhao. The last of these is just opposite the newly-opened Rum Runner, leading to speculation that this currently unfashionable end of Buakhao might become a rising star for entertainment. “Double the age, double the weight and double the cost” is how the ladies of Pattaya are being described by expats and long-term visitors when asked why the city’s appeal to Westerners has been in decline for some years now. Interestingly, the ladies opinion of the men is identical on the first two counts and is used as a justification for the third. Talk about a race to the bottom – but let’s leave the Boyztown sports day out of this. Board the Tardis of the mind now as we travel back in time to a bevy of yarns from Monkeywatch in June 2015… “The long-awaited installation of new drainage pipes on Beach Road is finally due to begin this month. The pipes will be located near to the entrance of Walking Street, opposite Soi 6/1 and up by the Dusit curve. Contractors carrying out the work have assured City Hall that once the work is completed, tourists on Pattaya’s streets will never again have to wade around up to their waists in water – only up to their knees. It’s not all good news on the renovations front though, as the refilling of Pattaya Beach has been postponed yet again, apparently because they have been unable to find sand that matches the current stuff on the beach. Can’t see what the problem is. All they have to do is get some low grade sand from a building site, mix in liberal quantities of shit, semen, plastic bottles and fast food containers then chuck the whole lot onto the beach. Should be a perfect match. In order to help make Pattaya “a safer place for tourists”, a joint operation took place last Tuesday between the Pattaya Tourist Police and the Chonburi Provincial Police Special Operations Unit (try saying that when you’re pissed) to conduct a raid on two shops on South Pattaya Road selling penis and breast shaped bars of soap. Police are still trying to locate the shop owner, who is to be charged with the heinous crime of selling pornographic soap. Feel safer now? A Thai chappie who reported to police that he’d been attacked and robbed of a gold necklace worth 30,000 baht later confessed that the attack never happened, his injuries were self-inflicted and he’d pawned the necklace to pay off a gambling debt. He was charged with making a false statement to police, who said they had better things to do than waste time on this sort of stuff. Like policing the shape of soap, presumably. The Prime Minister has requested that the media refrain from publishing stories and articles that portray Thailand in a bad light. So they should presumably avoid mentioning Russians, Chinese, Indians, Arabs, jet ski operators, police, doormen, muggers, druggers, buggers, diddlers, fiddlers, con artists, flashers, pickpockets, gangs, drunk drivers, ladyboys, floods, touts, yabba dealers and so on and so forth. So what does that leave then? Ah yes, cookery. That should do nicely.” Who says Pattaya has no 'safe' places?... A farang chap who had a bust up with his Thai girlfriend decided to deal with the situation by drinking mosquito repellent. Think we know the bar he must have been drinking at. A French expat was woken from his slumber the other night by the sound of his e-bike battery exploding and setting fire to his condo. He told fire crews he was glad he hadn’t been riding it at the time as it would almost certainly have blown his bollocks off. His Thai girlfriend is believed to have bought him an identical bike the very next day. Finally, it’s been reported that Chinese tourists are quietly leaving Pattaya. Must be the first thing the little yellow sods have done quietly in their lives. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us a visit, and welcome to this month’s delve into dark deeds and debauchery. Or not. Well, we just have to kick off with the news that Thai religious bar closure days have been scrapped in entertainment areas. Great news, unless you’re visiting a restaurant or visiting anywhere at all if there’s an election on. They just can’t let it go, can they? Or maybe they can, as the government is now considering including restaurants in this new law as well. Just don’t hold your breath (unless you’re standing within 10 feet of a “quality tourist.”) Despite this new found freedom, the Thai authorities are still getting themselves into a lather about the tourism crisis the country’s going through. They just don’t seem to be able to come up with a reason why tourists don’t want to come to Thailand any more. Well, if any of them are reading this, here’s a little clue. Rearrange the following into a well-known phrase or saying – “pigs many too stinking.” Pattaya is proud to announce the introduction of mobile air-conditioned toilets into the city. So how does that work then? Do you have to stand at a stop and wait for them to arrive like a bus? Wouldn’t fancy sitting in the lower deck if the thing was running late. In another story, City Hall has fined a project manager for “dirtying a public road.” Guess the mobile toilet must have been running late that day. If you’re visiting Pattaya, please drink responsibly… Walking Street is to get an “eye-catching 3D LED” entrance sign to replace the current monstrosity. It’s scheduled to be completed by August 21 so if you’re coming to Pattaya for Christmas there’s an outside chance you might get to see it working. Apparently, fears are growing that Chinese tourism in Thailand may be in permanent decline. Yes, we’re all scared shitless about that, aren’t we? It’s been claimed that Pattaya has a shortage of young workers to serve retired foreigners. Whoever made this claim has obviously never visited Pin-Up. Pattaya residents and tourists fled in panic after a swarm of several thousand fruit bats descended on roadside trees in North Pattaya. Wonder if any of them were called Eric? They were apparently first reported by a man who was on his way to the post office to buy a fish licence. He must be a loony. Big Brother is listening to you… Bar news time, and as you may know, Rum Runner is now open for business in the bowels of Soi Buakhao, and the closing time has been revised from 10pm to midnight. That at least gives you an extra two hours to try and find the bloody place. Talking of which, the debate on how to spell Soi Buakhao/Buakhow/Bukhoew/Bukow still rages on with no sign of any resolution. Tell you what, why don’t we just settle on Soi Bigcow and have done with it? Back to the heady days of times gone by now with a look back at a trio of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in May 2015… “Emergency services were called to Walking Street last week after a fire was reported in an Iranian restaurant. The cause of the conflagration has yet to be established, though it is rumoured that a group of local food critics may be responsible. The critics refused to comment except to describe the food in the establishment as “the only thing in the place that smells worse than the chef”. A Burmese factory worker met his demise last week after he fell into a meat grinder. Unfortunately, the police misunderstood when they were informed that a man had been killed by a meat grinder and arrested all the girls in Soi 6. When a factory worker explained to the arresting officer that they were actually talking about a mincing machine, police went to Beach Road and arrested all the ladyboys. The routes to Pattaya were even more gridlocked than usual last weekend as Thais flocked to the city to celebrate Labor Day. Having observed the proceedings, one can only conclude that in the Thai language ‘labor’ means ‘get pissed as a rat and fall into the road’.” In Pattaya, less Chinese tourists means there won’t be so many people going back home in black plastic overcoats… A drunken ‘Belgian’ tourist had to pay 35,000 baht in compensation after staggering round a convenience store in Naklua, smashing bottles of wine and pouring drinks over his head. He appears to go by the name of Mustafa so we can safely put this down to yet another case of stinking piggery. Belgian my arse. Thai hoteliers are urging the government to rush through the “Half Half Travel Thailand” scheme. So what’s that then? Cheap hotel stays for ladyboys? Locals have complained to the police about a cement spill on a road in North Pattaya. They were told to return when they had some concrete evidence. Finally, following a viral video clip, it’s being asked if it’s acceptable to hit Indian tourists with sticks for walking in the road. Suppose it’s okay if there isn’t a baseball bat handy. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another look at what’s through the keyhole in the city of silly grins. Let’s go for it. Pattaya’s new mobile health service got off to a bit of a bad start when their van ran over several of the people who were queuing for a health check. Nevertheless, they were given a comprehensive medical before being shipped off to hospital to have their injuries treated. As their motto says, “Improving the quality of life for Pattaya residents.” A German tourist was injured on Pattaya Beach when a motorcycle taxi driver knocked him out with his helmet. Local girls who heard about the incident are now eagerly trying to obtain the taxi driver’s phone number. A man impersonating a monk was recently arrested at a temple after engaging in what was deemed to be “inappropriate behaviour.” He was detained and handed over to the local district chief for “formal disrobing”. That doesn’t sound too appropriate either. City hall has denied that any buildings in Pattaya were damaged by the recent earthquake tremors… Another case of inappropriate behaviour was reported by a woman who claimed that a taxi driver “coerced her into an intimate act.” When she reported the incident to police she was told to produce evidence herself, at which point she handed over a plastic bag containing the man’s testicles. Not sure what that proved. For some bizarre reason, a monk in Bang Saray has suggested that floral wreaths at funerals should be replaced by school uniforms. Why school uniforms? You may as well replace them with whoopee cushions. Actually yes, that would work. A Thai chap thought it would be a good idea to go diving for shells so that he could sell them to fund his medical treatment. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a not-so-good idea as he ended up drowning. Well at least it saved him the bother of raising the money. Pattaya proudly announces the launch of its very own Space XXX spacecraft… Bar news now, and as you’re all no doubt aware, Phil (Mr Egg) Ross has sold Le Pub and will be opening a new go go type bar where the Black Snake Club used to be in the nether regions of Soi Buakhao. We suggested he call it Egg’s Zone but he didn’t seem too keen. It’ll actually be called Rum Runner and should be opening in about three weeks’ time. Penthouse has surprisingly been acquired by a Chinese consortium, though their plans for the place have yet to be revealed. Making cheap steel, probably. The old Hooters site has reopened as Beertique, which should be good news for craft beer lovers, or as they’re more commonly known, drunks. And the old Opium A Go Go has reopened as Dragon. Do we detect an ongoing Chinese connection here? Dad dancing, a dark art that we normally only associate with Bamboo Bar, has in recent months reared its ugly head on LK Metro. The offending premises is Scooter Bar, where men of a certain age feel compelled to make complete arses of themselves in public by flailing around in a manner suggestive of someone having a fit. Some even compound the felony by wearing baseball caps backwards, a fashion faux pas only rivalled by white socks and sandals. Pattaya, the place where bad taste never goes out of fashion. Enter our time machine now as we whizz back to a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in April 2015… “A ladyboy was arrested the other week after he attacked a Polish woman with his shoe in Walking Street. Police initially arrested a shoe shine boy for the assault because they were led to believe that a boy had attacked a lady with his shoe polish. That’s what happens when a Pole tries to report a crime to a Thai in English. Police took a trip down to Pattaya Beach on Monday night last week to search for any people who looked like they might be ‘undesirables’. Quite a challenge. Perhaps on their next trip they could try searching a temple for Buddhists. Naval ordnance specialists were summoned to a local construction site last week after an unexploded mortar shell was discovered by building workers. The shell, which was reckoned to be at least ten years old, is being held by police until its owner can be found so he can take it back to the vendor and exchange it for one that works.” This dog sleeps in the entrance to a Pattaya beachfront hotel, pausing only to wake up, have a quick look around and go back to sleep. We think it may have discovered the meaning of life… If New York is the city that never sleeps, then Jomtien is the town that never wakes. Try to get some food there after midnight and chances are all you’ll get is chicken’s bum and sticky rice from some dodgy street vendor who buggers off at warp speed before you have a chance to taste it. Not exactly haute cuisine, is it? Local authorities have issued a missive to remind visitors to Pattaya to drink responsibly. This seems somewhat open to interpretation, depending on the target audience. For instance, an Australian sporting event a few years ago decided to promote responsible drinking by enforcing a limit on how much beer each person was allowed to take into the enclosure with them. The limit was 28 cans per person. Reckon most of us could live with that. Finally, City Hall has celebrated Songkran with a traditional water blessing– the mayor was covered in white powder, had a shaving foam pie pushed in his face, a bucket of water thrown over him and a power hose discharged up his trouser leg. Nice to see cherished Thai cultural values being preserved. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for jumping aboard, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare ramblings. Chocks away. The post COVID outbreak of stinking pig in the Walking Street area is reportedly spreading and is now threatening to become a pandemic. Unfortunately no vaccine is available but face masks definitely help. There’s a new craze sweeping teens in Pattaya, namely riding motorbikes round the city and slapping Indians round the head. They don’t seem to bother with farangs, presumably because most of them are slapheads already. An Italian man who was arrested for getting his dick out at the Laem Bali Hai Beach claimed he only did it because he was unable to control his bladder. When asked why he was also spotted wanking he was less forthcoming, so to speak. Business is booming in Pattaya. We hear that this beach vendor is planning on getting a second chair in the next few months… It’s been reported that snatch thefts are reaching epidemic proportions in Pattaya. Well if the girls charged a bit less for them they wouldn’t get stolen, would they? It seems that Pattaya is to have yet more one-way roads in the near future. Bet the motorcyclists are really pissed off about that. Police have decided to look more closely into tourist complaints about the noise from motorbikes disturbing their sleep after being shown photographs of tyre tracks in hotel bedrooms. Looks like they might have found one of those missing snatches… Bar news now, and the old Misty’s a Go Go in Soi 15 is to reopen as Cupid Club A Go Go (or is it Cupido?) The upstairs floor of Club Electric Blue is now open, giving us two tiers of titillation, no less. If you’ve been to Windmill you know what to expect. There was yet another outbreak of stinking piggery this month during the Grand Holi Festival when two groups of Indian tourists were involved in a mass brawl on Pattaya Beach. It isn’t yet clear what caused the fracas, which was broken up by festival security and led to the police arresting two men. This would have been fine – except for the fact that the men were both Burmese nationals. As the Thai saying goes, if in doubt, arrest a Burmese national. Let’s do the time warp again with a triple look back at Monkeywatch in those heady days of March 2015… “Well, the BBC documentary series ‘Bangkok Airport’ has finally ended, so the whole world can now sleep safe in the knowledge that all the airport staff are shiny, happy people and all the passengers are potless, half-witted dickheads (for those of you not familiar with the BBC, it’s a British state-sponsored paedophile ring.) Police are investigating after a boatman was attacked and stabbed in the neck on Beach Road near to Soi 12. The motive for the attack remains unclear, but the police believe it to be an attempted mugging so are treating it as a case of boatman and robbin’. A Belgian man was interviewed by police after he was found walking around Pattaya naked from the waist down and carrying a bottle of sun tan lotion. When questioned by police officers, the man said he was looking for Dongtan.” The artist commissioned to make a bust of the mayor is now under close arrest… A local taxi driver called the police following a dispute over a cleaning bill after an elderly Israeli lost control of his bowels just after getting into the cab. The man eventually agreed to pay the bill, though the taxi driver expressed some surprise at the incident, saying that passengers didn’t usually shit themselves until he told them told them how much the fare was. Tourist unfamiliar with Thai driving behaviour are being advised to “wait for the traffic to clear” before crossing the road. Well good luck with that. Are they taking the piss or what? Finally, police have launched a crackdown on fake monks circulating around the Walking Street area conning money from gullible tourists. Good thing too. That’s the sort of stuff that real monks should be doing. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to another through-the-keyhole peek at the latest strange behaviour in Smog City. A Russian chap sitting on a motorcycle on Beach Road was surprised when a woman approached his bike and pulled him off. Don’t know why he was surprised. Perhaps she didn’t charge him. Here’s a strange one. A Chinese tourist was stabbed near the entrance to Walking Street after an argument broke out with a man who’d walked up to him and asked him how big his dick was. Not sure that ‘big’ was the right word to use if the rumours about the Chinese are true. Pattaya officials have issued an order banning camping in certain areas of the city. Bars in Boyztown are urgently seeking clarification on the issue. Be careful if you go swimming in Pattaya as it looks like Chief Brody’s gone on his hols… A drunken woman of uncertain nationality was arrested after fleeing from a Pattaya hotel after smashing a glass table during what was described as “inappropriate behaviour” with a male companion. The hotel says it would seek compensation after the woman sobered up. They must have the patience of a saint. Actually, one would have to question if such an activity in Pattaya would constitute inappropriate behaviour anyway – unless she smashed the table over his head. Chinese tourist numbers have dropped considerably following the kidnapping of one of their female celebrities during a visit to Thailand. Let’s hope the kidnappers aren’t in too much of a hurry to release her. There’s been yet another outbreak of stinking piggery in the Beach Road area, this time involving a group of Indian men having a communal piss on the beach in full view of all in the vicinity. This carried on until they were attacked and beaten up by another group of about 100 Indians who apparently didn’t take kindly to having their sleeping accommodation pissed on. Sorry chaps, but you’ve been outstinkingpigged. Emergency services had to be called after a after a bloke trying to practise safe sex got his dick jammed in the door… Bar news time, and not really anything much to report except that Electric Blue is now advertising for staff and is rumoured to be opening next month. Bring it on. It seems that Jomtien Beach is now more popular with European tourists than Pattaya Beach. Numerous theories have been put forward to explain this, such as it being quieter and more relaxed, more family-friendly, more scenic and more cultural. Perhaps they should also have mentioned that the tourists there don’t have hordes of drunken stinking pigs pissing all over them. A bit of retro news now with a look at a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in February 2015… “Police were called to a South Pattaya Go Kart track after reports of a punch up between Thai staff and some Kuwaiti nationals following an argument about the quality of the vehicles provided for hire. The Kuwaitis demanded arrests and a full apology, telling police that this was no way to treat distinguished foreign visitors. The police agreed, but added that this was exactly the way to treat ignorant loud mouthed stinking pigs and told them to bugger off. One of the ways the Thai government is exploring to increase tourism is apparently to promote what they call ‘water tourism’. Some bars have already embraced the concept by watering down their beer and putting on more shower shows. Why are there all those big signs over the roads with Ban Chang on them? If people don’t like the stuff they don’t have to drink it.” Looks like somebody didn’t… There was an incident on Beach Road recently involving a man who had a baht bus drive over his crutch. Bet he didn’t do much barfining after that. Local media have been questioning why Pattaya’s pedestrian crossings are so dangerous. Well it’s clearly the fault of pedestrians who seem to think that they have the right of way on these crossings. Silly buggers. Finally, following the failure of traffic law enforcement in Pattaya, local residents have suggested that a private company should be put in charge of clamps and punishments. Wonder if the management at The Castle would be interested? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for following us into the New Year, and welcome to more tales of Pattaya, the city that never sleeps – it just passes out. Stories abound that Walking Street is changing and the traditional go go bars are being replaced by luxury establishments for party groups. One report remarked that there are now seven or eight Indian clubs and none of them for Cheap Charlies. Well that would explain why they all close down after a couple of months. Concerns have been raised in some quarters about baht buses overcharging foreigners. This is true to an extent, but it’s no cause for concern as it only affects the foreigners who are as thick as pig shit. As part of the latest crackdown on drugs in Pattaya, a list of indictable offences has been compiled, including “accompanying unsavoury characters.” Well that’s the bar crawls buggered then. Their Gannet Ripple is awesome… In an attempt to catch foreign nationals who’ve been making porn films, police have launched an initiative called “Operation Rabbit Hunt.” Thus far they’ve managed to apprehend one pornographer and 51 rabbits. Thailand has voted to retain the death penalty for “gross crimes”, so if you’re a criminal it’s probably best to commit 143 offences then jack it in. A technicality forced local courts to release two Thai men who had been charged with stealing 60 metres of electrical cable when it was discovered that the cable in question was actually only 59 metres and 95 centimetres long. The prosecution had contended that 5 centimetres didn’t make any difference but the defence demolished their argument by producing several expert witnesses in the form of girls from various bars in the vicinity. You have to admire some ethnic visitors to Pattaya for their stylish yet understated dress sense… Bar news for the New Year starts with the anticipated reopening of Club Electric Blue on Soi Diamond, though no date has been announced yet. The Las Vegas bar complex in Soi Diana has dropped its midnight closing time, though it seems to become rather less noisy after the witching hour. That’ll be the time to go then. Pattaya City became Dodge City recently when a gun battle between rival firearms shop operators in Walking Street sent tourists diving for cover. A spokesman said that the incident wasn’t being treated as serious, as the only casualties were 12 Chinese tourists and based on historical precedent they were probably weren’t expecting to get out of Pattaya alive anyway. From the New Year to an old year now as we look back to Monkeywatch in January 2015… “Police raided a store in Naklua on December 30 and seized a huge quantity of fireworks after reports that the business was selling them in contravention of the local law forbidding such sales during the New Year period. A local gang leader commented “Looks like it’s back to the grenades then.” Pattaya has got enough water to last it for the whole of this year, according to an Irrigation Department official, who added “All we have to do now is figure out how to get it off the roads and into the reservoirs.” A Cambodian chap died last week after eating some chicken pieces he’d bought from a street vendor in Jomtien. He’d just finished the last piece when he was run over by a bus.” Have a wanker? No thanks, we’ve got enough already… As a response to numerous bars banning Indians from their premises, someone suggested that the Indian clubs should ban white people. Then someone else pointed out that they did it months ago but nobody noticed. One question currently doing the rounds in Pattaya concerns whether Thai language signs are confusing to tourists. We would say not necessarily – they aren’t confusing to Thai tourists. Finally, it seems that Pattaya is now highly regarded as a top place to go for water sports lovers. Funny, we thought the bars stopped doing those sorts of shows years ago. be seeing you monkeyman

Apologies to all you petrolheads out there. The Classis Car Show isn't until February. Doh.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for the last time this year, and welcome to our special Christmas edition – which means it’s the same as all the others. Or maybe even worse. Following the recent weather, it’s been decided that Thailand’s rainy season will in future run from May to April. Perhaps Pattaya should consider a similar extension to its low season. A motorbike thief was arrested by police near Pattaya after he fell off a roof. How the hell did he get the bike up there? An Australian bloke is in police custody in Pattaya after what was described as a bizarre rampage during which he stripped naked, smashed up some cars and set fire to his house. So where’s the bizarre bit then? The first entry has already been received for next month’s Pattaya Classic Car Show… It’s been pointed out that some Thai businesses don’t seem to have grasped the concept of “buy one get one free” as they seem to think it’s okay to double the price of the one you buy. Guess it’s the same mentality as bars increasing prices because they don’t have any customers. Some call it Thaiconomics. Others just call it plain bloody barmy. And now, a cautionary tale. Customers who took their cars to a new cut-price cleaning and valeting service in East Pattaya had a little surprise when they returned to collect their vehicles, namely that the staff all had buggered off and taken the customers’ cars with them. As the old saying goes, if you take something to the cleaners, just make sure you don’t get taken to the cleaners as well. Actually it isn’t an old saying – we just made it up. There was a conversation recently about the strange things Thai girls say, and one of our favourites was “My friend me want meet my friend you.” Pick the bones out of that. A local boat by the look of it… Bar news now, so we’ll start with the reopening of Penthouse as it was accidentally omitted from last month’s edition. Electric Blue is reopening on Soi Diamond next year. And we also have Jalwa Indian A Go Go on the way, though apparently there won’t be any Indian girls working in there so it’s not really very Indian at all - except for the clientele, presumably. Police attended an incident in Walking Street the other night where a Swedish tourist claimed to have been robbed of 50,000 baht by a katoey. The officers decided that as the man was pissed as a fart he’d probably just spent the money and forgotten about it or lost it or eaten it so they left him to get on with it. Silly old bugger. Shake hands with the ghost of Christmas past now with some yuletide reminiscences from Monkeywatch in December 2014… “Ten Russians and two Thais were injured in a road crash in Jomtien early last week. When questioned by police, they all agreed that, with the benefit of hindsight, they should have hired a baht bus instead of a motorbike taxi. An Indian quality tourist was arrested by police after his hired jet-ski hit a swimmer then left the water and hit a holidaymaker sitting in a deckchair on the beach. A police spokesman said they appreciated that the episode was just an unfortunate accident and the man didn’t mean to do any harm, so the best course of action would be to “string the stinking pig up from the nearest lamp post.” Damage to the jet-ski was estimated by the owner to be around six million baht. Pattaya, along with four other cities, has been earmarked by the Tourism Ministry to be rebranded and developed as a quality destination that will be attractive to high spending tourists and families – as long as they don’t mind the shootings, muggings, drugs and prostitution, presumably. Those of us with even not so long memories will no doubt recall that this was tried a few years back and resulted in the city being swamped by hordes of ignorant, penniless, foul smelling dregs from the cesspits of Asia. Einstein reportedly once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I doubt if the Tourism Ministry would be interested in his deliberations though – they probably think he was The Beatles’ manager.” Whatever this thing used to be, it sure as hell ain’t one any more… Visitors to Pattaya have been assured that they can travel by boat to islands in the vicinity “without any risk whatsoever.” Alternatively, they could go scuba diving and visit the wrecks of the previous boats that travelled to the islands “without any risk whatsoever.” One wonders if the phrase ‘race to the bottom’ was coined by someone visiting Pattaya Bay. Following her arrest for selling goods illegally, a Pattaya street vendor said she’d been given permission to sell the goods by officials in return for bribes. When questioned, the officials said that they in turn had to bribe her to stop her going to the press. The authorities have yet to identify any culprits, prompting speculation that they may have been bribed to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. We’re not saying anything as we’ve been bribed to keep schtum. A final thought for the year. People who are fed up with the ongoing infestation of stinking pigs in Pattaya should look on the bright side. I mean, they’re not exactly going to drive prices up, are they? Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in, and welcome to another dive into the murky waters of Pattaya, metaphorically speaking. And literally speaking, come to think of it. Pattaya has been hit by flash floods yet again and it’s reported that traffic officers have been assigned to deal with the situation. Presumably when there’s gridlock on the roads the weathermen will be sent in. Police are investigating after a Pattaya mother reported that a gang of youths had assaulted her son with fireworks. It seems that the gang didn’t have a bottle to fire their rockets from so they bent her son over, pulled his trousers down and fired them out of his bum. His mother said that he shouldn’t have to stand for this sort of thing, though he’s unlikely to be sitting down for anything for some time to come. The mayor was recently spotted on Pratumnak Hill inspecting the renovation work on the famous PATTAYA CITY sign. He was believed to be pressuring workers to have the sign ready for the International Fireworks Festival, though he may have pushed them too hard, as visitors to AA PACY TITTY will no doubt testify. Probably the best way to get up Soi 3 in the weather Pattaya’s been getting lately… Well, Diwali in Pattaya passed off peacefully. At least it did until the final night when there was a mass punch-up involving groups of Indian men who were attending the event. Local authorities say they won’t tolerate this kind of stinking piggery and have vowed to identify and prosecute the offenders, after which they’ll be packed onto small boats and pointed in the direction of the south coast of England. Same old, same old. A 17 year old Thai girl had her phone rescued by the Pattaya Land Disaster Prevention Unit after she dropped it down a drain. Overkill or what? No doubt if you drop your wallet down the bog they’ll call out the National Anti-Terrorist Unit. The new mobile air quality monitoring station on Pattaya Beach has reported that the air quality in Pattaya is “good”. Let’s hope they get it mended soon. Nothing like being kept well informed… Bar news now, and we’ve got a shitload of new go go bars on the way. First up is the reopening of Champagne, though as it seems to be in a new location and under new management it’s not really reopening at all, it’s just opening. We also have Ka Boom A Go Go in Tree Town and Milk on Soi Diamond has reopened as Milk A Go Go. The old Moon Club is reopening as PH 3.9 A Go Go, which may be connected to the old Honey A Go Go as it’s interesting to note that honey has a value of 3.9 on the pH scale. Actually that’s a lie. It isn’t interesting at all. Oh, and the Rockhouse is up for sale. Never thought we’d see the day. Residents in the Thepprasit Road area have been getting all upset about huge new swathes of vegetation that have been planted in the central reservation. Its aim of reducing accidents has certainly been effective as nobody can actually cross the road any more. The current joke is “Why did the chicken cross the road?” “It didn’t, because it was on Thepprasit Road.” Never did get the hang of Thai humour. Time to take another stagger down Memory Lane as we look back at Monkeywatch in November 2014… “New Martial Law tourism directives have been issued to maintain peace and order in the Land of Smirks. To ensure good behaviour, all tourists visiting Go Go Bars must now be accompanied by a monk. Initial reaction to the ruling has been somewhat negative from bar owners and tourists, but rather more positive from monks. Suspicions that gambling dens have been operating under the noses of the boys in brown were confirmed last week when a poker school was discovered in a police officer’s moustache.” Can you see it too? Thank God for that… A Thai man has been arrested on Pattaya Beach after performing “an inappropriate act” in front of tourists. Just when we thought we’d seen the last of the Gary Glitter tributes. Pattaya is to improve a public area after complaints about dangerous wildlife. A ban on tour buses should do the trick. Finally, Pattaya police arrested a man who went completely off his head the other day and went on a rampage in an incident which was apparently triggered by a bowl of rice. Anybody know where we can get some? be seeing you monkeyman