monkeyman

It effectively says " this is a show that you most definitely must miss." but the intention was to word it in a way that can potentially be misread as saying the exact opposite.

Glad you picked up on on what I actually said in the last sentence. I thought it might slip by unnoticed.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to look in, and welcome a fresh batch of tales both short and tall from the City of Sniggers (or are we supposed to say Safrican Americans these days?) When the local boys in brown put up a poster on their notice board outside the police station saying “Woman Wanted For Sattahip Temple Burglary” they were surprised to find that several women turned up and asked if they could apply for the job. An Indian quality tourist turned up at the police station the other day claiming that “a woman with long hair” (he obviously has an

They've done this before on more than one occasion. The reason was rumoured to be too many empty seats.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from post-Songkran Pattaya now locals have stopped throwing water at each other and gone back to putting it in the beer. The Thai Meteorological Department predicted recently that April would be a wet month. Well given that the roads have just been under a foot of water it ain’t likely to be a fuckin’ drought is it? A wise man once said, “White man with brown cock has just come from Dongtan.” Not in this bloody weather he hasn’t. Pedestrians have been warned to take care if they venture onto Patta

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for popping in again, and welcome to our election special where we can announce that the result is….well we don’t know yet, so let’s talk about something else. Terminal 21 Shopping Mall has issued an apology after it was caught on video giving preferential treatment to rich patrons over disabled customers. When asked if he could give an assurance that this wouldn’t happen again, a mall representative said “No, but when it does happen again we’ll apologise again.” Following reports of police raids on Pattaya chop shops, the police have issue

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and join us as we celebrate the Chinese New Year, which this time around is the year of the pig – or in the case of Pattaya, the year of the stinking pig. Again. Oh well, off we go. Fans of the famous Dolphin Roundabout in North Pattaya will be pleased to know that it’s been resurrected. The dead dolphin found on Pattaya Beach, on the other hand, hasn’t. Pattaya officials have proudly announced that the Russian mafia have finally been driven out of the city. What they inadvertently forgot to mention is that they were driven out by

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for yet another year, and welcome to our Post Yuletide Hangover Edition – which means it’s much the same as all the others. Well, the New Year festivities went more smoothly than last year. None of the celebrity guests got thrown in jail and the fireworks lasted more than four minutes. Things can only get better. Officials have been back in Walking Street measuring the height of business signs and checking on sagging overhead cables for possible infractions of health and safety regulations. Just one business owner was repriman

Yes, that is indeed the establishment in question.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a yuletide showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to Christmas in Giggle City. City Hall has announced that the Pattaya Countdown to New Year will take place on December 30-31. So when else would it be, in the middle of bloody April? It’s also been announced that from December 29 to January 1, all tourists and locals will be admitted to historical parks and museums free of charge, though there will of course be reduced rates for Thais. There’s been a shortage of girls in the bars lately as so many of them are still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorde

If that'd been me we'd have headed off in the same direction.

Now we've got shitloads of Indian visitors, Indian hotels and Indian restaurants, it's about time we had some Indian Go Gos and Indian freelancers. I have a dream.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and welcome to Loy Krathong (it means “float scrote” or something.) New regulations come into force soon banning smoking within five metres of just about any type of building you care to name. Anyone found to be flouting these regulations will be fined 5000 baht. A local bar owner commented “Good idea. This should get smoking back indoors where it belongs.” A Brit living in Pattaya has been arrested for breaking into his neighbour’s apartment and stealing 3000 pounds sterling. He then realised that he hadn’t got anywhere to stash the cash so he

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s crop of crap. Well, the big news this month is that Pattaya has a new mayor who goes by the name of Sontaya Kunplome. Does that surname sound familiar? It should, as he’s none other than the big brother of Itthiphol Kunplome, the former mayor who was chucked out by the Junta when they came to power. And his first action as mayor was to appoint his brother’s Deputy Mayor back into his old job. The more things change, the more they stay the same. City Hall has come up with an inspired new solut

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to more tales of derring-do (and derring-don’t) from you know where. City Hall has decreed that 16 houses in Naklua must be demolished as they were built on public land. It was then pointed out that City Hall itself is built on public land and demolition work on the building is expected to begin shortly. Let’s hope they do a better job than in South Pattaya where similar enforced demolition work carried out by residents on their own homes resulted in rubble blocking the Bali Hai Interchange and causing traffic chaos. Accidentally, of course. S

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to another month of mayhem in Giggletown. Local authorities have admitted that the restoration of Pattaya Beach is running months behind schedule. Reckon that would be about 90 months as the project originally started in 2011. Squirrel terrorists have been blamed for yet another electric cable fire in Pattaya, this time at the Sawangla Temple Bridge. Utility companies were contacted as a matter of urgency and finally showed up three days later to reconnect power, TV and internet connections for local residents who had

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for turning up for another month, and welcome to this month’s tales of the unexpected (well they would be if they happened anywhere else.) On with the show. It’s been announced that Thailand manufactured more than 190,000 vehicles in the month of May, a considerable increase on last year’s figures and almost as many as were written off by Thai drivers during the same period. Impressive. Electric trolley buses are being trialled in Pattaya in what is presumably yet another attempt to overthrow the baht bus culture in Pattaya. As the saying goes,

Gives a whole new meaning to getting hammered.

There's been a whisper that the place may yet be saved. We await further developments.

That question could apply to a few other places in the vicinity.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to another lap of the Pattaya track. Three katoeys have been fined 2000 baht apiece for indecent behaviour after some five year old footage of them flashing their tits in public was posted on social media. Hang on a minute, katoeys are men according to Thai law, are they not? Not sure where this is going, but better keep those shirts on, lads. The new boss of Pattaya’s traffic police has decreed that traffic cops will in future have to start work at the earlier time of 6:30am so they are on duty when the morning rus

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to the post Songkran period where everybody is drying out, a rare sight indeed. Well, Songkran came and went without much drama, just the usual few hundred people killed, mainly in road accidents. People who think this is quite a lot really don’t understand the psyche of the average Thai road user. In most places, if another car overtakes you, the driver just wants to go a bit faster than you, so okay. To a Thai bloke, you’re not just overtaking him, you’re laughing at his dick, and that makes men angry. Well,

Well done that man. I didn't expect any non-Brits to get that one at all.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s humble offering. US tour operators have urged Thailand to make greater efforts to attract American tourists. They might, however, wish to reflect on the possibility that the bans on drinking and smoking on the beach, vaping anywhere at all and the attempts to rid the country of pool tables, dance floors, dartboards and card games may just suggest that attracting American tourists isn’t exactly at the top of Thailand’s current agenda. Thailand has launched a big crackdown on cichlid traffickers after an offi

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare look at what’s been going down – and up and sideways. Just in case anybody doesn’t already know, it’s been announced that Songkran will be extended to five days this year. A local spokesman said “Now we’ve taken steps to get rid of those lowlife scum who came to Pattaya to play bridge, we’re hoping this move will replace them with some real quality tourists.” Guess it’ll all be water over the bridge. Local fishing boats are the latest thing to come under official scrut