monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for staying in touch, and welcome to another sneak peek at the latest goings on (or off as the case may be.) Pattaya police have been issuing leaflets to Chinese tourists warning them of online scams. Suppose they’re on about things like advertising Pattaya as a great place for families where they won’t get shot at by gangs or drowned on ferries. Now who would fall for a scam like that? A beach on Koh Larn has been given a major clean up following a rash of complaints about foul smells, flies and litter. This has outraged the Chinese ambassador who described it as a blatant racial slur. Can’t imagine what he meant. A social media video featuring sex on Pattaya beach has caused outrage in some quarters as it “damages the image of Pattaya as a family tourist destination.” Quite right too. That sort of disgusting behaviour should be confined to more appropriate places – like Go Go bars. And if that wasn’t enough, Pattaya beach was in the news again this month following the installation of outdoor public showers on Beach Road with the promise of three more such facilities along the length of the beach. Sex in public? Showering in public? Are they trying to put the Go Go’s out of business? The Pattaya International Kite Festival that started last Thursday on Central Beach hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… The Tourist Police have been busy training Walking Street security guards on how to conduct themselves in their dealings with the public. Suppose they could give them some tips on how to beat up customers without leaving any marks. A popular feature of Pattaya is the variety of traditional English pubs such as the Pig & Whistle, the Punch & Judy and the King’s Arse. That last one was meant to be called the King’s Arms but the owner unfortunately employed a Thai sign writer who didn’t know his Arms from his anus. This also led to the pub closing down the day after it opened as the owner was arrested for lese majeste and was never seen or heard of again. Silly bugger. A Thai bloke had to enlist the help of local emergency medical services after a ring he’d slid onto his dick became stuck and cut off his circulation. That must have been one hell of a wedding ceremony. Wonder where the bride put her ring? You see, this is one of the advantages of being Japanese (probably the only one.) A Japanese chap would never have this problem. He’d still be looking round trying to find out where the ring dropped off. First we had underground car parks, now we have underground curry parks… Bar news now, and Slutz on LK Metro is the latest Go Go to go (go) down the crapper. However, it seems to have reappeared on Soi Boomerang. The Las Vegas Bar Complex on Soi Diana is due to open on March 1 though they may be hard pressed to meet the deadline. Let’s wait and see. And we can’t finish without mentioning that this month marks exactly 10 years since the final demise of FLB Bar. God bless her and all who sailed in her. People often say that it’s dangerous to stand under a tree during a lightning storm. Well a Thai fellow in Sri Racha was observed doing just that for quite a while and absolutely nothing happened to him. Mind you, the three blokes standing next to him were all killed. Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream as we revisit the haunts of the past through the eyes of Monkeywatch in February 2014… “Here’s a new idea for Pattaya – tribute bars. When a well-known bar disappears from the scene, why not replace it with a similarly sounding copy, just like they do with bands? Anyone for Effing B Bar? Or Club Glue? We’re waiting for a certain Soi 15 show bar to shut so we can open Analbitch. Some people make a big thing about men in Pattaya going with much younger women like it never happened anywhere else, but as we know, that’s bollocks. Take Bruce Forsyth, for instance. His wife’s 40 years younger than him – but then so is his hair. A group of 22 students were injured on Highway 36 last Wednesday morning after they were involved in a collision with a container truck. None of the students were seriously hurt but their motorbike was a write off.” Now who could argue with that?... A Thai woman was rushed to hospital after her husband launched a frenzied attack on her with a machete and a meat cleaver on Valentine’s Day. Who says romance is dead? Police received a report the other day of a mysterious death in a Pattaya seafood restaurant, though if the place is anything like most of the seafood restaurants in Pattaya it’s hard to imagine what the mystery is. Thailand’s first driverless electric bus has been offering passengers free rides around Phra Nakhon Si Ayutthaya province. It was last seen plunging off the end of Bali Hai Pier. Finally, a German tourist made a complaint to police after he was given a kicking by Go Go staff in Soi Buakhao. He probably didn’t have his papers. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another New Year, and welcome to Monkeywatch as it enters its 19th year, no less. Doesn’t time fly when you’re taking the piss? Thailand is predicted to have lower than normal rainfall this year, so visitors to Pattaya may only find themselves up to their knees in water rather than the usual up to the waist situation. Life just gets better and better. Three people were injured in East Pattaya when a barbecue unexpectedly exploded. Attendees at the function were forced to dive for cover as sausages, burgers and sundry other items were fired around the premises like missiles. Now that really is fast food. A revolting stench that’s been upsetting Pattaya residents since the beginning of the year has been traced by authorities to an Indian restaurant in the area, though it’s unclear whether the problem is being caused by the restaurant or by its customers. Now that’s what we call a small business… To celebrate National Children’s Day earlier this month, a local zoo gave free admission for a day to under 12 year olds in the area. Guess it was good for the animals too, as a varied diet is considered essential to their health and welfare. The parking mayhem on Walking Street has prompted the authorities to come up with a solution whereby vehicles park on the left and the right on alternate days. Unfortunately, they overlooked the fact that right for vehicles travelling north is left for those travelling south. A spokesman acknowledged the problem but said it didn’t really matter as everybody would ignore the rule anyway. It’s been announced that Pattaya is preparing its 70,000 hotel rooms to accommodate an expected 27 million visitors in 2024. Okay, so if we assume an average two week stay per visitor, each room will need to accommodate about 15 people every day of the year to meet the target. They’d better hope that all the visitors are Indians. Oh, hang on, got that wrong, it’s actually only 1.5 people per day. That’s the Indians well and truly stuffed then. Pattaya workmen are renowned for working flat-out to get the job done… Time for a look at the bar news now, and there’s a new place on Walking Street called Candy Club. The signage outside suggests that it’s a Go Go but who knows? Triangle Bar has been refused a new live music licence because it isn’t an enclosed area. New rules allegedly, though there may be more to this than meets the eye. Be interesting to see what happens when other similar establishments come to renew their licences. Should put an end to the Pattaya Music Festival with a bit of luck. Labour shortages in Thailand have led some to suggest that employers may consider using robots in preference to human staff. Don’t think it’ll catch on with Go Go Bar owners somehow. Mind you, when you look at some of the girls on stage… Time to look back at days gone by now with a threefold dose of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in January 2014… “The debate about how much to give the girls seems to be a popular topic for conversation again. Basically, the uglier you are, the more you have to pay, so if you’re paying upwards of 3000 baht, do us all a favour and wear a bucket over your head. However, if you’re Australian, remember to take it off before you go home or you might be mistaken for Ned Kelly. Wonder how much he used to pay? There have been some hostile comments recently about the increasing numbers of Japanese-only bars operating in Thailand, but it’s gratifying that people with small brains and even smaller dicks can still get something out of life. Like that Japanese bloke who won a smallest dick competition in Bangkok and had a double celebration as he’d won a biggest dick competition in Tokyo only a week earlier. An Israeli quality tourist was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall the other Monday after being caught stealing a woolly hat. At his court appearance he was given a good ticking off by the judge, who concluded, “The prison sentence for this crime is six months – but to you, five and a half.” In Pattaya it’s not only walls that have ears… A large number of women turned up a couple of weeks ago for a breast screening event in East Pattaya. On hearing that there was a shortage of staff to carry out these screenings, a number of regular visitors to Pattaya offered their services, claiming to have several years of experience in this particular area of expertise. An Indian tourist who was arrested for breaking the window of a car told police he was trying to get to his friend who was unconscious inside the vehicle. On examining the vehicle, police found an Indian man slumped over the wheel pissed as a rat. They removed the man from the car and gave him a warning about his future conduct, which we believe involved calling him a stinking drunken pig and kicking him in the bollocks. The operators of a sun lounge business on Beach Road have been given a 15 day suspension for hurling insults at foreign tourists. They apologised for their behaviour and promised not to refer to any more tourists as “stinking pigs” even if the description was unquestionably accurate. That’s an apology? Finally, a local newspaper has apologised for reporting that the King of England is in hospital getting the treatment from a large prostitute. That’s what happens when you get your translation software from a market stall. be seeing you monkeyman

Top Gun is indeed the old Pulse Club. Champagne and Bachelors still closed as far as I know.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and prepare to be transported to a wonderland of Christmas magic and festive delights. Okay, it’s just the same old shit with tinsel on. Let’s kick off with a rather strange tale. A prisoner went on the run a couple of weeks ago after escaping from Bangkok Pattaya Hospital where he’d been taken for surgery on his penis. A surgeon told police not to bother searching for the man as they’d be able to re-arrest him as soon as he returned to the hospital. When asked how he was so sure the man would return, the surgeon replied “Well we’ve still got his dick in our fridge.” Now Pattaya has its new late bar opening hours, people have been asking if the famous Kiss Choke and Puke on Second Road will be going back to its old 24 hour a day service. We’ve got a question too. Who gives a shit? A Belgian tourist ended up in hospital the other night after a wire rope sling penetrated his wrist and hand after he fell over on a sidewalk. The company responsible for the wire said it was the man’s own fault as “He was pissed as a rat.” When they were asked about another incident on the same day where one of their hanging wire ropes slashed a motorcyclist’s neck and propelled him into a ditch, the company said “Well he was pissed as a rat as well.” Following complaints about a lack of accessibility on Beach Road caused by the latest “improvements”, a new spacehopper lane has been added to help ease congestion… A German television company has been stirring the shit by making a documentary about the “scandalous sex trade in Pattaya.” Well done boys, but you’re about five decades too late. And haven’t you ever heard of the Reeperbahn? An investigation is under way after a photograph appeared online of a female Chinese tourist wearing a Thai policeman’s uniform. A Thai man in a Chinese dress is believed to be helping police with their enquiries. A man questioned by police in Walking Street about illegally selling laughing gas said it was all lies and the people around him were just happy. The police, however, were not happy and frogmarched him to the monkey house. The heats for the upcoming 2024 Pattaya Underwater Farting Contest seem to be producing some promising contestants… Christmas bar news time, and LK Metro has been blessed with two new Go Go’s in the shape of Top Gun and Fever. This could be very interesting (but probably won’t be.) A Thai man arrested for indecent exposure on Jomtien Beach earlier this month told police that he was just trying to get a Dongtan. More ghosts of Christmas past now with a selection of crackers from Monkeywatch in December 2013… “Two Thai cooks were arrested the other Monday after being caught stealing food from the restaurant where they worked. They claimed that they’d only stolen the food for their own consumption but police refused to believe them after talking to one of their officers who’d eaten in the place. The number of Chinese tourists coming to Thailand has dropped dramatically since their government ordered a crackdown on so-called ‘zero dollars tours’. It seems that the term refers to very cheap holidays that have hidden costs and not, as we’d always assumed, to the amount the average Chinese tourist spends in the bars. It’s been reported that prostitutes have been using a broken transformer box on Beach Road for oral sex. Bet that makes their lips sting a bit.” The new visa relaxations seem to have brought the Indian tour buses back… Pattaya City Administration has set up a control point on Walking Street staffed with administrative personnel allegedly for the benefit of tourists. When asked what they were actually doing there, one of them replied “I haven’t got a clue.” Following the news that 3D printed reefs were being used off the coast of Pattaya to increase marine activity, some bar owners are planning to get some 3D printed bargirls in to see if it increases the activity in their bars. Suppose it might get a few 3D printed customers in. Finally, a Thai chap had a bit of a surprise last week when his bathroom exploded without warning. Emergency workers who pulled him out from what was left of his house concluded that he’d been taking a leak at the time of the explosion as his dick was still in his hand. Unfortunately, his hand was on the roof of a house on the other side of the street. A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for visiting us once again, and welcome to another session of worm can lid lifting. Tin openers at the ready. So December 15 is the big day when we finally get the near mythical official 4am bar closing times. So this puts us back exactly where we were about 20 plus years ago when many of us were visiting Pattaya for the very first time. Isn’t progress wonderful? Interestingly, it’s been pointed out that the new closing time regulations don’t extend the hours during which alcohol can be served, so you’ll need to buy a shitload of beer before 2am to see you through the last two hours. Unless of course this little anomaly is sorted out by December 15. Don’t hold your breath. Pattaya is proud to announce that it’s been awarded the acclaimed Integrity and Transparency Assessment Award. The award was made by the National Anti-Corruption Commission, who one would doubt have ever won it themselves. Thanks to a new visa exemption scheme, Thailand is anticipating the arrival of more than one and a half million Indian tourists by the end of the year. Pattaya is already gearing up for this, with a number of 7-Elevens having placed orders for an additional crate of Singha to see them through this busy period. The restaurants have been busy too and many have added a full Indian breakfast to their menus, though a bowl of curried cornflakes is unlikely to entice many away from their full English breakfast. Think we’ll give it a miss. The mayor took some time out the other day to inspect progress on Pattaya’s storm drain dredging operation… A Thai man who was seen wandering erratically up a road claiming that he was a victim of demonic possession was saved by a police officer who performed a roadside exorcism on him. Roadside exorcisms? Whatever next? Self-service massages? Drive-through vasectomies? The Pattaya Bridge Club has found a new home at the Dom Restaurant. Probably make a nice change from their previous regular haunt at Soi 9 police station. Remember boys and girls, no more than two packs of cards or you’ll be back to the old venue before your feet touch the ground. The Thailand Cultural Centre is currently hosting an arts event known as the Khon Performance. Presumably the performers at this event should be referred to as Khon Artists. The Pattaya Tourist board has announced that 10,000 Chinese tourists are expected in December. Looks like some of them have arrived already… Bar news time, and as is often the case, there’s pretty much bugger all to report. There’s an upstairs place just opened on Treetown called Beachy Club. Looks like it might be a go go, but who knows? And beware of a new bar off Soi Buakhao called Cindy’s Secrets, as the secret is that it’s full of brown hatters (so we’re told.) Have you noticed how people keep talking about ‘marmite bars’ when they’re reviewing places that they’ve visited in Pattaya? Doesn’t sound like that great to us. The bars that used chocolate sauce were much more fun. Slam the old time machine into reverse now as we revisit a trio of tall tales from Monkeywatch in November 2013… “An Indian tourist turned up at the police station the other day to report an incident at a fast food restaurant a few hours earlier. Apparently, he had complained that his food was cold but the staff weren’t interested. He demanded to speak to the manager, who immediately punched him in the face and discharged a tazer into his testicles, then dragged him out through the door, threw him onto a pile of rubbish sacks and urinated on him. The police advised the man that it was not their policy to get involved in customer service issues and that he should contact the restaurant’s head office if he felt that the manager hadn’t resolved the original complaint to his complete satisfaction. Construction noise in Pattaya is going from bad to worse. Wherever you are, there always seems to be some prat hammering on a steel pipe, giving you an earful of “dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.” It’s like sitting next to a girl in a go go bar. Police were forced to apologise for arresting three men for stealing an ATM kiosk after it turned out that the incriminating CCTV footage had been accidentally played backwards and the men were in fact erecting the structure. The mistake came to light when one of the men was clearly seen to be sucking urine from a wall into his penis. Two of the men were released without charge and the third was taken out the back and given a good kicking for pissing up a hotel wall.” Hey hey we’re the Monk-ees… According to the police, there aren’t any Chinese buggers in Pattaya. Are they kidding? There’s thousands of ‘em. Oh sorry, it was Chinese beggars they were on about. They went on to say that they are “determined to keep Pattaya free of any negative elements that could tarnish its reputation as a popular tourist destination.” Defunding themselves might be a good start. A Thai man who was visiting Pattaya to see the fireworks show miraculously survived after he fell from the balcony of his room. Unfortunately, he landed on a small dog and squashed it as flat as a pancake, at which point the enraged owner of the dog beat him to death with a frozen shoulder of pork he just happened to have about his person. Police discovered the murder weapon but have not yet apprehended the attacker, though they said in a statement that the murder weapon suggested that the incident was unlikely to be related to the current conflict in the Middle East. Finally, a Thai woman has been arrested for swindling a Turkish man she met on a dating site. Apparently, he gave her 2000 baht to take him to a ping pong show and she took him to the Pattaya Open Table Tennis Tournament. Serves him bloody well right. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois, and welcome to our autumn almanac of stories you couldn’t make up. Well not entirely anyway. A tourist in Thailand turned up at a local airport the other week asking for help as he couldn’t remember which hotel he was staying at. The staff duly made enquiries and told him “Well, we’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we’ve found out that you’re booked in at The Hilton. The bad news is that it’s the Amsterdam Hilton. There’s a bus stop at the end of the road.” The Department of Marine and coastal Resources has rescued a stranded marine creature which they later identified as a false killer whale. Bloody Thais. Is there anything they won’t counterfeit? Police have launched a crackdown on late-night street racing in East Pattaya. Clearly they take a very different view on this from the authorities in Singapore, who only last month allowed 20 hooligans to race around the streets at night for a whole weekend. Thai police have identified the ringleader as a Dutchman named Max Verstappen and have warned him that if he and his cronies try the same stunt in Thailand there’ll be hell to pay. Looks like it was a lively night at Gaza A Go Go… The local Thais have been blithering on about merit making again for some reason or another. No point telling us. We don’t even know what a merit is, let alone how to make one. In a renewed crackdown on Walking Street vendors, it’s been announced that they’ll only be allowed to work after 6.30pm if they don’t actually sell anything. Sounds like business as usual for most of them. A Qatari pervert has been arrested for sexually assaulting a male Thai employee in the lavatory of a fast food restaurant. It’s rumoured that the victim was given a wash and brush up in the most literal sense. The owners declined to comment. The last of the stage props from the old Marilyn A Go Go has finally been sold off… Bar news now, and the old Penthouse on Pattayaland 2 looks to be making a comeback – if somebody is prepared to stump up the asking price of 220 million baht. Back in the day, people used to say what a great go go bar it had. Others told the truth. A homeless glue sniffer had a bit of a bad day after falling from a third floor balcony in Pattaya and breaking his arm. Well at least he had something to stick it back together with. Time for more retro reminiscences now with a peek back at a couple of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2013… “A pub on Third Road was burned to the ground the other week after a fire broke out in the storeroom. Police then arrested the owner for breach of a 30-day closure order, saying the place was no longer closed as it didn’t have a door…or walls…or a roof. Suppose they had a point. A female Chinese tourist had a lucky escape a couple of weeks ago after falling through some unsafe railings and down a cliff at Pattaya Viewpoint. Her fall was fortuitously broken by a large pile of rubbish that had been dumped at the bottom of the cliff and she escaped with relatively minor injuries. The medics who attended the accident told her she was a very lucky woman, though she seemed unconvinced that falling through railings and plunging down a cliff into three tons of rotting garbage was a sign of good luck.” One of Pattaya’s cinemas has downsized a bit in line with predicted tourist numbers… The boss of Travel Weekly Asia has announced to the press that Thailand has been voted the best holiday destination of 2023. He then sang three choruses of “Hi Ho Silver Lining” and was sick in a bucket. An Indian tourist turned up at the police station in a distraught state after losing his wallet in the back of a taxi. Bet he’d have been even more pissed off if there’d been any money in it. It’s been reported that Witherspoons had a problem recently with a group of Americans occupying a large number of seats while sharing a single bottle of water. A more blatant case of cultural appropriation is hard to imagine. Finally, the manufacturers of the board game Monopoly have just brought out a Chiang Mai version of the game following the previous release of a Phuket edition. Wonder what a Pattaya version would be like? Bet the “In Jail” square would be a whole lot busier. be seeing you monkeyman

Maybe we have a woke tourist in our midst?

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more dollops of dirt served up on a Pattaya platter. Engage warped drive. Let’s begin with some good news. It’s been reported that Chinese visitor numbers to Pattaya are declining. Various reasons have been put forward to explain this, such as higher air fares and visa complications, but no mention was made of things like Chinese drowning on sinking ferries, being shot dead in the crossfire between feuding Thai gangs and plummeting to their death from various high-placed locations. Must have slipped their minds when they did the report. Pattaya has announced plans to build a brand new ferry pier on Koh Larn. Bit of a waste of time if you ask us. Most of them sink before they get that far. Local police have begun late-night inspections of Pattaya Beach “to ensure tourist safety.” Thus far 17 tourists have been arrested, 31 fined and two deported. There you go. That’s 50 tourists who feel really safe already. We understand that this sign was modified to accommodate the stature of the average Chinese tourist… Walking Street’s big tree (sometimes referred to as the FLB tree) is currently receiving what’s being referred to as “tender loving care.” If it receives the same level of tender loving care as the trees on Beach Road, the cries of “Timber!” can’t be too far away. Looks like U-Tapao Airport has been given the green light for a 24 hour entertainment zone, so they can expect the arrival of copious amounts of drunks, drug dealers, prostitutes and sex shows before very long. It seems that their long term goal is to turn the place into an entertainment city where people will fly in, have their fun and fly out again without ever setting foot outside the place. Sounds like a winner if they can sell the idea to the multiplicity of stinking pigs who seem to think that their mission in life is to go to Pattaya and piss off everybody within a five mile radius. Following Thailand’s adoption of the United Nations decree that children should be protected from violence to animals, all young people in Pattaya are to be issued with free blindfolds. It was also decided that any surplus blindfolds should be given to woke tourists to protect them from real life. Pattaya’s new topless bar isn’t quite what we expected… Bar news now, and Pulse A Go Go in LK Metro has been relaunched as Minx (thought they were the blokes with the orange robes.) There’s also a new place on Soi Buakhao called Stunners, though initial reports suggest that it may not live up to its name. City Hall has announced that the landscaping of Beach Road is to be accelerated so it’s completed in time for high season. This has been agreed with the contractors who have promised to shift their operations up to first gear sometime soon. Back to times gone by now with a trio of titbits from Monkeywatch in September 2013… “Fire crews were summoned to Walking Street the other Friday night after a fire broke out in a Turkish restaurant. The cause of the fire has yet to be established, though the Pattaya Good Food Guide is believed to be high on the list of suspects. A ferry had to be evacuated near Koh Larn last week after the engine caught fire. Those on board were transferred to speedboats and taken back to the mainland while the blaze was tackled by firefighters. The ferry was apparently taking tourists on a sightseeing trip to the spot where the last one sank. Pattaya has been officially declared Mafia free by a senior police chief who went on to say that tourists can be reassured that the city is perfectly safe. He then abruptly left the press conference after his housemaid phoned to ask if she should take the horse’s head out of his bed.” In line with its international commitments, Pattaya has begun preparing accommodation for illegal migrants… Bar owners in Soi Chaiyapoon have been asked to cough up 5000 baht apiece “to make the soi into a new Walking Street.” An uncharitable mind might be tempted to postulate that the person behind this scheme has recently acquired a large quantity of second hand neon signs and overhead power cables. Pattaya Floating Market dropped out of the top five most popular tourist destinations this month after it unceremoniously burned to the ground. It had always been a very popular attraction, bringing in crowds of spectators from all around the world. Bet it brought in even bigger crowds of spectators while it was on fire. Finally, Bangkok Airways has announced that from next year all passengers will be required to be weighed before being allowed to fly. Maybe their aircraft can’t get off the ground if they’re carrying too many podgemeisters and fatsters. Doesn’t exactly fill you with confidence, does it? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to more midsummer mayhem in Loony Land. On with the show. Well, we’ve said goodbye to the old Walking Street and hello to the new sign-free and cable-free version. Don’t worry though – if you feel a bit nostalgic, just wander up any of the side sois and see things exactly as they were before. Vehicles have been banned from Bali Hai pier following the discovery of structural damage to its supports. Probably due to the weight of all those Chinese tourists standing on it. Either that or they’ve been eating it. Anyone who’s tasted a Chinese curry probably wouldn’t blame them. Thailand is reportedly preparing itself to be the destination of choice for Europeans and Americans, as it seems they may have finally realised that these groups spend a bloody sight more money on their trips than the various varieties of stinking pig that they’ve been courting in recent years. Or maybe they haven’t realised anything, as Pattaya has recently been entertaining representatives of the Russian and Kazakhstani travel agencies in an attempt to boost tourist numbers from these countries. Nice to see that their commitment to increase the number of quality tourists remains undiminished. In anticipation of the arrival of these new quality tourists, accommodation has been prepared commensurate with their anticipated budgets… The go-ahead has been given by the Thai government for magic mushrooms and opium to be used in medicinal trials. Although this is currently still at the draft proposal stage, they’ve allegedly already had over 50,000 people put their names forward to take part. Never realised the Thais were so public spirited. A man wandered into the police station the other day to report that he’d been rear-ended on the Laem Chabang highway. An investigation is under way, though it was initially delayed by the police misconstruing his report as a road traffic accident. The health authorities in Pattaya have started conducting food safety checks in all the local market places. We understand that they plan to send an inspector into every market and if he comes back alive after sampling the wares they’ll be given a clean bill of health. The translation would suggest that Thai isn’t a very concise language… Bar news time, and there’s been some activity in the Walking Street area with the opening of One Night Jack A Go Go and Runway Sexy Club in the old Misty’s premises. It appears that the latter will be employing both male and female dancers, so make of that what you will. An unusual tale now of a woman who’s being sought by police after she swindled 850,000 baht out of an elderly monk. The story goes that she initially approached him for money as she needed to refuel her vehicle. It must have had one hell of a fuel tank. Time for our usual drift back to a decade ago with a look at three of the best from Monkeywatch in August 2013… “Heard a story the other day about a chap who picked a girl up in a bar. She spent the whole evening being sulky, not speaking to him and spending all his money. When they got back to his room she laughed at his dick and refused to have sex with him. Just goes to show that blokes who say you can’t get a girlfriend experience in Pattaya anymore don’t know what the bloody hell they’re talking about. A local grocery shop owner has been arrested after being accused of selling drugs to teenagers and bar workers. This has caused a great deal of outrage in the local community, particularly with drug dealers, one of whom said “If that fecker can sell drugs, we’re gonna start pushing fresh fruit and veg. And in his case, we know exactly where we’re gonna push it”. Three Thai youths were arrested in South Pattaya the other week after being caught trying to steal petrol from a motorcycle. Also arrested was a girl from a blowjob bar who the youths said they’d brought along to siphon the petrol from the tank. Police decided to let them off with a caution after the girl demonstrated her technique to the arresting officers.” Looks like the rumour that the Thais have bought Stonehenge from the Brits and relocated it to Pattaya were true… Tourist police became involved after an Indian fellow got into an altercation with a bunch of katoeys and got a bit of a kicking. This was a most unusual incident as absolutely no mention was made of a missing 50,000 baht gold bracelet. City Hall has just run a training course for public transport drivers to educate them about traffic laws, public safety and care of tourists. One is tempted to point out to them that it might be better to send people on these courses before they actually give them the jobs in the first place. Finally, police are investigating after a man walked into a temple in east Pattaya and stole the temple donations box. Doubt if there was anything inside it though. I mean, even if somebody wanted to donate a temple, they’d never get it into a box as small as that. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for tuning in again, and welcome to the latest delve into the goings on and goings off in Snigger City. Let’s do it. The construction work on 2nd Road is due to be completed by the end of this month so we can expect to see things get back to normal sometime in 2024. Or 2025. Possibly. The Ministry of Public Health, concerned by a serious shortage of medical personnel, has come up with a radical plan to solve the problem. It goes along the lines of “get some more.” If only the West could think with such clarity. A 19 year old Thai chap surprisingly survived after plummeting from the 6th floor of a Pattaya building. He fared rather better than the bloke he landed on who was killed instantly. Preparations are under way for the Pattaya Bridge Club’s open-air production of “The Desert Song.” They’re hoping it will rival the Pattaya Women’s Institute’s recent staging of “They Died With Their Boots On”… Residents of Jomtien recently became alarmed after the sea water in their vicinity turned brown and started stinking like a polecat. So what are they worried about? A little nostalgia never did anyone any harm. Central Pattaya Shopping Mall has apparently just staged something called “Fruit Festival 2023.” Don’t know what that’s all about. Perhaps it’s their version of Pride Month. Thai Airways has announced the planned purchase of 30 new aircraft by the end of the year. When asked what would happen to the aircraft that were displaced, a spokesman said they would be disposed of by natural wastage, which we believe to be aircraft industry jargon for “We’ll just fly them till they crash.” Always wondered where baht bus drivers got their tyres from… Bar news time, and first up is Pulse A Go Go, which has temporarily shut up shop for a bit of a refurb. Perhaps of more interest is the news that Devil’s Den is set for a comeback and new premises are currently being sought. Deep joy. Police arrested three bar staff following a recent drugs raid in Soi Bongkot. Probably for watering the drinks as usual. Relax and float downstream now as we relive a couple of moments from Monkeywatch in July 2013… “The body of a shoe-shiner who’d had his head bashed in was found up by Tesco-Lotus the other Monday. A witness said he’d seen the deceased having an argument with a man the previous day. The man was apparently furious that the shoe-shiner had begun polishing away without even asking first - and without noticing that the man was wearing flip flops. Police are investigating. A temporary monk (so how does that work then?) had a bit of luck last week after winning 44 million baht in the national lottery. He said he planned to use some of his winnings to buy a house for his mother and to make a donation to a local orphanage. He also said he wants to find his long lost father and talk to him. Got a feeling his chances of doing that just got a whole lot better.” The Thai Navy are proud to unveil their new Pride Torpedo… A Thai food company has released a statement proclaiming that it’s preparing to send fried chicken into space. This barmy idea is apparently to do with something called the “Thai Food – Mission to Space” program. Maybe KFC are planning to sell buckets of chicken pieces from orbital platforms. Book your flights now to avoid disappointment. Onlookers watched in amazement the other week when a pickup truck hurtled off the end of Laem Chabang Fishing Pier and plunged into the sea. The driver was probably following directions from a Thai satnav. Following a search, local police discovered the dismembered body of a German tourist in a freezer in South Pattaya, though the exact location remains unclear. Let’s hope it wasn’t a restaurant. Finally, a diver rescued a mobile phone the other week after its Indian owner fell off the end of Bali Hai Pier. When asked why he didn’t rescue the Indian man as well, the diver replied “Well I only had time to rescue one of them and I liked the look of the phone most.” be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to all present, and welcome to another midsummer night’s wet dream as we probe the pits of Patts. The mayor of Pattaya has personally assured the safety of 2000 Chinese tourists who will be arriving in Pattaya next month. Doubt if this will be much comfort to the other 8000 or so who are expected to turn up as well. After managing to escape from his tour group and losing his phone, a Chinese tourist got pissed as a rat and threatened to jump from his Central Road hotel balcony. So that’s his idea of a threat, is it? Some people did try to talk him down, though their suggestions mainly involved him making a rapid descent down the outside of the building. Silly bugger. A Russian bloke who was also intent on committing suicide eventually changed his mind after Pattaya police managed to calm him down. Why can’t people mind their own bloody business? Police were called to Beach Road after an Asian quality tourist reported that his hotel suite had been broken into and a 50,000 baht gold necklace stolen… The Pattaya City authorities are reportedly on maximum alert in anticipation of the potential flooding during the rainy season. Most of us can no doubt visualise how this will work in practice – up to our waists in bloody water again. A couple of audacious thieves rolled up to a 7/11 the other day and robbed a couple of drinking water dispensing machines located in front of the store before riding off on a motor bike. When asked by police how much had been taken, the store owner replied “About 100 litres.” New regulations are to be brought in to improve the massage services offered on Pattaya beach. Here’s hoping they make a happy ending compulsory. That’d improve them no end. Not sure that replacement windscreen is completely safe… Bar news time, and there have been whispers that the Windmill family is taking Dollhouse into its bosom. Couldn’t go to a better home. There’s a couple of new go go’s opened, namely Club 79 on Walking Street and LK Angels on, well, you can probably guess where it is. Oh, and Hooters has shut down, though as it isn’t a bar and it isn’t really news either as everybody knows already, it has no place in this section and who gives a shit anyway? The Miss Healthy Queen 2023 beauty pageant has unfortunately had to be cancelled after several of the contestants went down with dengue fever. More blasts from the past now with a look at a trio of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in June 2013… “The beginning of May saw the Tiffany Show Theatre staging the Miss Tiffany Universe 2013 contest, as hundreds of mainly Chinese quality tourists packed the place to the gunnels to witness the usual panorama of poofery that they incomprehensively seem to relish so much. Grubby little ferrets. They give perverts a bad name. Someone should stick some bromide into their chop suey. The Thai government is launching yet another campaign to promote tourism in Thailand. The president of the Tourist Council of Thailand said “The government should emphasise quality and high spending tourists including visitors from China, India and Russia by granting them multiple visas”, a statement which distinguishes itself by simultaneously being grammatically inept, completely incomprehensible and utterly wrong on more levels than the mind can comfortably conceive. A couple of Ruskie quality tourists were arrested last Wednesday after being caught stealing hats from a stall in Central Pattaya. In their defence, they claimed that they had no money to buy headwear and were just trying to blend in with the western tourists, who they’d heard were mainly brown hatters and two-week milliners.” Visitors to the first ever Classic Sunset Rendezvous car show in Jomtien next month will have the opportunity to view exotic classic cars from around the world, including this little gem from the Pattaya Motor Company that was reportedly sold for 40 million baht before the purchaser was even allowed to view it. We hoped to interview the company’s owner but apparently Interpol say he was last seen playing piano in a bar in Tangiers… A bloke wielding a butcher’s knife went berserk in Central Pattaya last week for no particularly good reason. Police were quick to react and officers were ordered to arrest anyone carrying such a knife on the spot. In another story, locals have reportedly been having difficulty doing their weekly food shopping as all the butcher’s shops appear to be deserted. A Chinese all day buffet has apparently had to put up a sign informing Chinese tourists that they draw the line at people who arrive for breakfast then stay for lunch and dinner before buggering off back to their hotels. Clearly a misunderstanding of Chinese culture here. Finally, City Hall has pledged to take action to resolve the traffic congestion in Soi Buakhao. An official said that contactors had been hired to carry out the work and the first batch of land mines will be laid next week. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to this month’s look at the things happening in Patts, both big and small. Well okay, just small then. This month the WHO brought glad tidings of comfort and joy for travellers to Thailand by announcing that Covid-19 is no longer a global health emergency. Well how about that? So what will their next up-to-the-minute pronouncement be? That World War 2 is over? Silly buggers. Former Thai Prime Minister and fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra has announced that he intends to return to Thailand in July after 17 years of exile. Thaksin was of course the founder of Tie Rack Tie, the political party he named after a particularly natty piece of neckwear he bought from a shop during a trip to London. Quite appropriate really, as when he does return to Thailand there’s a good chance he’ll get his collar felt by the local constabulary. The International Riding School in Pattaya has received a warning from the police after announcing they were to put on a display of show jumping. A police spokesman said “We’ve made it quite clear in the past that we won’t tolerate lewd shows of this nature.” One of the organisers tried to explain that they were only using ponies but somehow it didn’t seem to help the situation any. If business goes well, maybe they’ll be able to afford a second chair before too long… A Pattaya tourist who fell into a sewer and spent seven hours there before being rescued said it wasn’t so bad really as it reminded him of Pattaya bay in the good old days – but a bit cleaner. Pattaya police have been banging the old drum again, warning ladies on Beach Road not to offer sexual services to tourists. While they were at it, they took some time to remind business operators not to rip off visitors and to refrain from fighting with tourists. Now that’s just being plain unreasonable, isn’t it? Thai Airways are trying to do their bit for the environment by turning used cooking oil into jet fuel. Perhaps someone should try to explain to them the difference between frying and flying, though Thai pronunciation of English may make this something of an uphill struggle. More luxury accommodation for quality tourists… Bar news now, and punters will no doubt be pleased to hear that Windmill Club has returned to its normal location after lengthy renovations. Not only that, but the temporary location on the other side of Soi Diamond is to remain open as well under the name of, guess what, Windmill 2. The soi is now a true pervs paradise. There’s a new place opened in Soi Buakhao called Ju Ju Club. The intended clientele isn’t clear yet, though the notice outside banning guns, knives and drugs suggests that it may not be aimed at foreign tourists. Soi Diamond has a new club called Coke A Go Go. Wonder how long that name will last? And Soi Pothole welcomes a new gaff called Buzzin’ Lounge on June 1.The adverts look promising (but then adverts usually do.) An alert has been issued by local police after a man was caught on CCTV stealing a pair of panties from a washing line. Police are in the process of rounding up all suspected perverts currently in Pattaya and at the last count 7263 people were helping them with their enquiries. Engage reverse gear now for a gander back at a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in May 2013… “There was yet another conflagration in Pattaya the other weekend, this time in the shape of a newly opened lift factory which burned to the ground. Guess the place is maximum capacity no persons now. Police raided some commercial premises in South Pattaya the other Monday and confiscated five slot machines. They told the owner that the machines contravened anti-gambling laws as they gave players the chance to win money. However, the man claimed the machines were perfectly legal as nobody had ever won a single baht from any of them. The police accepted his argument but no-one likes a smartarse so they arrested him for fraud instead.” This is the newly opened ISIS hotel the morning after their opening day celebrations. Those boys sure knew how to party… A football final between Thailand and Indonesia ended in pandemonium after the two teams were involved in a mass brawl, followed by a punch up between the rival team benches and a further incident where the referee had a traffic cone inserted into him and his car was set on fire. The referee said later that this sort of behaviour wasn’t acceptable and some of those involved came close to getting a yellow card. “Waiter, there’s a pearl in my soup!” A Thai woman was happily slurping away at her somtum when she discovered a rare Melo pearl at the bottom of the bowl. It’s believed that the pearl came out of a razor clam used to prepare the dish, though this has yet to be confirmed. The woman was excited by her valuable find, but said she would treasure it as a keepsake as you can’t put a price on something as special as this – then she changed her mind five minutes later when someone put a price of 10 million baht on it. Finally, Pattaya’s new MP has said he wants the city to have 24/7 bar opening hours. Don’t hold your breath (unless you’re walking up Soi 16.) be seeing you monkeyman

I do indeed and thank you for your offer, which is much appreciated. New sources of pics are always most welcome.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more tales about the pitfalls of life in the land of sniggers. Shortly before the beginning of Songkran, the boys in brown started carrying out so-called nightclub inspections “to make tourists feel safe and secure.” Not sure that the best way to achieve this is to have police jackbooting their way around nightclubs harassing patrons. One bar owner said he’d had his back doors smashed in, though it later transpired that this related to a visit he’d made to Katoeys ‘R’ Us. Alcohol limits were introduced by some local authorities this year for the duration of the Songkran festivities. This isn’t a new idea of course. It’s said that motorsport fans in Australia were subjected to similar restrictions during the annual Bathurst endurance race, where attendees were told they couldn’t bring more than 28 cans of beer per person to the event. Surprised anybody bothered to turn up. Here’s a story that’s doing the rounds. It relates to an ageing lothario in Pattaya who parted with large amounts of cash to lure a nubile young hotty from her go go bar to his hotel room. Things were just hotting up under the duvet when he felt it coming – the mother of all farts, the one that can’t be stopped and the one that threatened to destroy the ambience of his whole meticulously planned evening. He made a split-second decision to feign a coughing fit to disguise the emanating sound and then started flailing around with the duvet in an attempt to disperse the inevitable ensuing odour. This naturally piqued the curiosity of the young lady who enquired as to what the hell he was doing. In a moment of panic, he told her he thought there was a snake in the bed, at which point she leapt to her feet and started stomping all over the bed and surrounding area to kill the mythical snake. There wasn’t one of course, but she did manage to stomp on his false teeth, his spectacles and his testicles before running naked and screaming from the room, knocking over and smashing his large screen television as she did so. The noise alerted hotel security, the police were called and the man was taken to the police station where he was charged with attempted rape and criminal damage and subsequently recommended for deportation. Better not to fart in bed, probably. Or believe daft April Fools stories. An underground Indian restaurant in Pattaya? This must surely be unique… Oh no, hang on… Brits have been warned to double check their travel insurance before coming to Thailand as their cover might not be all they expect it to be. For instance, five Brits involved in traffic accidents were refused cover because they weren’t wearing crash helmets – even though they were all pedestrians. They refused another bloke because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt in the back of a vehicle that crashed, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was a baht bus. Due to health concerns, the Department of Health has recommended that people in Thailand should only eat cooked foods. Probably won’t work too well with ice cream. It’s been suggested that the mooted decriminalisation of sex toys in Thailand is causing some friction between politicians. Perhaps they should try using some lube next time. Police were called to a punch-up between two rival gangs in a Third Road pub the other week. There were a few punches and flying bottles, though photos suggest that not a lot of damage was done. Nothing like the mass brawl that took place in a Beach Road bar many years ago when the place was completely trashed. Every piece of furniture was destroyed, every glass was broken. It was like something from the Wild West. It took staff days to clean up the broken glass, twisted metal, blood and snot. Somehow, the bar’s name didn’t seem very fitting after that… Bar news now, and the new Las Vegas A Go Go is finally up and running in LK Metro. Just as well really, as there’s bugger all else to report. One of the delights of visiting Pattaya is the myriad of live music that’s available in bars all over the city. The quality tends to be pretty good, though a bar in Second Road proved a few weeks ago that this isn’t always the case. A band with a female singer started their set, and it was soon obvious to everybody present that she was pissed as a rat. She managed to get through the first few numbers before falling off the stage into an undignified heap. Undeterred, she struggled to her feet, remounted the stage, and soldiered on for about 20 minutes before being hit on the head and knocked unconscious by a stray pool ball from a table next to the stage. She was taken to hospital where she was examined and told it was unlikely that she’d ever sing again, though we understand this news was delivered by the bar’s manager rather than a doctor. Still, it was probably for the best. Think we’ll stick to Hot Tuna in future. Yesteryear revisited now with a sneaky peek at a couple of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in April 2013… “Police arrested a Thai bloke in the wee hours of the other Tuesday morning after he turned his car over on the central reservation of Sukhumvit Road. He told police he’d swerved after mistaking the shadow of a tree on the road for a pedestrian. Perhaps not the best defence to use if you’re trying to convince the police that you aren’t pissed out of your mind. It wasn’t and he didn’t because he was. There was a bit of a conflagration on Soi 16 last Thursday after a block of beer bars burned to the ground following an electrical fire. Though it was initially claimed that there were no casualties, it’s been reported that several of the nearby street vendors have added Crispy Arab to their menus.” Don’t think too many Brits will be staying here (it’s slang for shithouse)… A couple of enterprising Thai chaps decided to bag themselves a few coconuts on Beach Road the other day by having one of them shin up a tree with a machete to dislodge said items while the other one waited on the ground to catch them in a piece of outstretched plastic bag he was holding between his hands. The first coconut duly plummeted earthwards and smashed on the ground several feet from man and bag, closely followed by a second that was saved from destruction after it ricocheted off the man’s head and into the arms of a startled passer-by. So it all turned out well in the end. Apart from the bloke on the ground, who’s still in hospital with a fractured skull. Well, as the old Thai saying goes, you can’t make a coconut omelette without breaking heads. A Thai man was injured on Walking Street during Songkran by a Turk who took exception to having a bucket of water chucked over him. Good job he didn’t throw a bar of soap at him too - that would’ve got him really riled. Finally, an Indian bloke tuned up at Pattaya police station last week claiming to have been kidnapped, assaulted and defrauded. The police told him to bugger off. Perhaps he should’ve mentioned the theft of his 50,000 baht gold bracelet. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois, and welcome to another round of unlikely tales, the most unlikely of course being the truest. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the proposed 4am bar closing times have been unceremoniously binned, the boys in brown have now decided, as part of their Tourist Prevention Programme, to undertake a blitz of raids to ensure that the existing 2am closing times are rigorously enforced. No doubt they’ll be aided and abetted by the Anti-Tourist Police to make sure that everyone has as miserable a holiday as possible. Amazing Thailand? Bloody unbelievable, more like. Firefighters were called out to Second Road recently after reports that a blaze had started in a massage parlour. The fire was alleged to have been caused by a build-up of friction, though the precise nature of said friction was not disclosed. One or two possibilities spring to mind. The parking ban on the west side of Beach Road has been reintroduced as of March 1. Ah well, one side down, one to go. Tour buses have also been restricted to Soi 3 and Soi 5 as all the other streets off Beach Road have been designated too narrow to accommodate them. Beats us why such diminutive little squits need large tour buses anyway. And the official stops for baht buses have been set up again. Good to hear that City Hall hasn’t lost its sense of humour. Now who could resist a bargain like that?... Reports that the Thai Royal Air Force has returned 36 turkeys to Thailand have proved to be incorrect. If fact, they’ve actually returned 36 Thais from Turkey following the earthquakes. Shame, we’d rather have had the turkeys. Following a fatality from bird flu in Cambodia, a Thai virologist has called for increased monitoring of the disease, and has urged poultry farmers who can’t raise their cocks in the morning to contact him urgently. Guess he must be overstocked with Viagra. The Thai Tourism Authority has set a goal of welcoming five million Chinese tourists to the country this year. Hopefully this means that any arrivals over and above this number will be told to bugger off. For those who can’t wait for Songkran, the Indians now offer you a new opportunity to get covered in shit… Bar news time, and we have more new kids on the block in the shape of Flex A Go Go on Soi Diamond and Apple A Go Go on Walking Street. Also on the way is Las Vegas A Go Go on LK Metro. And would you believe The Castle is now hosting wine evenings? Shouldn’t that be whine evenings? Measures have been put in place to deal with a local outbreak of Yellow Band Disease. Not sure what it is but it’d be wise to deport any recently arrived Chinese musicians just to be safe. A bit of retro now with a trio of stories from Monkeywatch in March 2013… “A Ukrainian quality tourist went berserk in a 7-Eleven store the other Friday after buying some water and nail varnish, which he then used to paint two initials onto the back of an ATM machine for some unfathomable reason. He went on to wave a pair of knives at the bemused staff but calmed down after police arrived and fired a couple of warning shots through his head. The boys in brown were having a busy time of it last Wednesday night, with a police raiding party out on the town looking for counterfeit goods and the arrest of 40 ladyboys on Beach Road. Still trying to work out if this was two stories or only one. Following the news that a Russian Tourist had found her stolen iPad by using the “Find My iPad” application, girls in local bars have contacted Apple so see if it would be possible to develop a “Find My Penis” app for some of their less well-endowed customers.” If you were short of an Irishman for St Patrick’s Day, this was the place to get one… Thai police are reported to have recovered 29 luxury cars stolen in Britain and shipped to Thailand, including a Mini Cooper. One assumes that their definition of a luxury bed would include a hammock. A government spokesman has said that tourism will be vital to Thailand’s economic recovery – just after they rejected the 4am closing times and started a new wave of bar raids. Not a bloody clue. Pattaya authorities have refused to allow the reopening of the Nashaa Club (aka The Bouncing Turban) after it caught fire three times in a year and was found to be partially constructed on public land. The owners complained about the decision as the place had already been rebuilt so the authorities came up with a nifty solution – they burned it down again. Finally, a new E-guidebook has come onto the market in Thailand called “Muslim Friendly Tourism Routes.” Strangely, the Pattaya route seems to direct them off the end of Bali Hai Pier. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once again, and welcome to another cavity search into the goings-on in the city of titters. Walking Street clubs and bars have been warned that perpendicular erections are set to be banned from the front of their premises. Shouldn’t be a problem, as in our experience such activities usually take place in the back (or in the case of Katoeys R Us, in the rear.) The Thai health ministry have announced that individuals found in possession of certain drugs will in future incur stiffer penalties. Presumably if one of the drugs is Viagra, the penalty will be even stiffer. Pattaya Bridge Club has apparently found itself a new home in a place called Meat Stuff Pattaya. Certainly better than in 2016, when the club was in danger of being relocated to the Bangkok Hilton after they were convicted of the heinous crime of owning too many decks of playing cards. Bloody disgraceful. Hanging’s too good for them. Police are investigating reports that two witches have crash landed on Beach Road… A Thai tour company has been fined 500,000 baht after a member of their staff gave a Chinese tourist a good kicking and stuck a knife up his left nostril. This was apparently because the man had demanded a refund for a trip he missed as the company had failed to collect him from the arranged meeting point. However, the situation was resolved after a group of local residents presented the police with a cheque for 500,000 baht, which was pinned to a petition demanding the man be immediately deported and banned from the Kingdom for the rest of his life. We do like a happy ending. Police were called the other week after a Chinese tourist plummeted 27 floors from a Pattaya condo. The incident went unnoticed for quite a while as passers-by assumed that they were looking at some new Walking Street style pavement art. There’s been reports recently of tourists in Pattaya being bombarded with ping pong bombs. Just an occupational hazard if you walk past the door of a Go Go bar during show time. “You don’t see many of those about, do you?” Bar news now, and the word is that there’s going to be a new beer bar complex on the old Made In Thailand site. And why not? And Ricky’s new bar Lips Lounge is now open on Soi Honey. Are the toilet jockeys now in league with the shoeshine boys? They seem to have started pummelling customers on the back before they’ve even finished taking a leak so they need the services of the shoe shine boys situated conveniently outside to clean the piss off their shoes. Slippery as greasy weasels, the lot of them. Time for a re-wind up now with a look over the shoulder at a pair of prosaic pieces from Monkeywatch in February 2013… “It’s been a pretty standard sort of month in Pattaya really. A Pole was pulverised by a propeller (on a speedboat), a Russian was recycled into a rack of ribs (by a motorbike), and a Dane was demolished by a drop (23 floors from a condo block.) Add to that the usual spate of shootings, stabbings and muggings and it’s just been business as usual. Still, it’s a great place to bring the family – if you want to go home single. City officials have renewed their pledge to upgrade facilities at the Pattaya Youth Sports Center after calling it “a dilapidated embarrassment”, an expression they learned from reading a review of a concert by Cliff Richard. Cliff of course swore he’d never play in Thailand again after an incident on stage in Bangkok a few years ago when he was struck in the left ear by an individual pork pie during the second chorus of “Devil Woman.” If you don’t think bar girls are getting fatter, try offering one a lift home… Baht bus drivers in Pattaya have been reminded yet again that they need to be more respectful to their passengers. They’ve been told that they mustn’t cheat, overcharge or swear at their passengers. Additionally, they shouldn’t drive whilst drunk or chuck passengers off their buses in mid journey. A spokesman for the drivers replied “This is just typical. The people making these rules clearly have absolutely no respect for tradition.” The drivers eventually reluctantly agreed to stop doing these things, though one of them did ask “Would it be okay if we only did them to the Chinese?” Sounds like a reasonable compromise. Pattaya has come up with a solution to the epidemic of illegal rubbish tipping in the city – they’re putting up signs saying “no littering.” Brilliant. All they have to do now is put up a few more signs like “no drugs”, “no prostitution” and “no gambling” and they can dispense with the police force completely. Finally, air pollution in parts of Thailand has now been officially designated as “unhealthy.” The news was celebrated by officials who said this was a substantial improvement on the previous designation of “lethal.” Ah well, every little bit helps. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another New Year, and welcome to the latest invasion of the yellow peril into Fun City. Well, it had to happen sooner or later, though later would’ve been infinitely preferable. A Thai folk music commentator has been arrested and accused of interfering with a 16 year old boy late last year. Well, as they say in the North of England “There’s nowt so queer as folk.” Well imagine our surprise. Thailand welcomed in the New Year by reintroducing mandatory Covid vaccine certificates for anyone arriving from abroad. Yes, this applied to everybody – you didn’t have to be small and yellow. No Covid testing was planned, though authorities planned to remove waste water from planes to test for the virus. In other words, they were taking the piss – as was confirmed the day after the original announcement when the whole thing was hastily scrapped and consigned to the dustbin of history. Yes, another PR triumph for the Thai tourist industry. Tourism in Thailand is facing a shortage of workers now the Chinese tourists have started to arrive once more. They probably all ran for the hills as soon as they heard that the pesky little yellow buggers were on their way. Looks like the Alfred Hitchcock Fan Club are in town… Thai traffic police are to be issued with new yellow vests to make them more visible. No need to buy that motorbike helmet now then. Tourist Police have completed their first sweep of Beach Road in 2023 and have once again confirmed that there is no prostitution in the area. Apparently, one lady said she’d evaded detection by hiding behind a tree. Perhaps that’s what they all did. The death of a Chinese tour guide is being treated as suspicious after he fell from a rooftop in Naklua. When asked what had aroused their suspicions, a police spokesman said “Well we did find some difficult-to-spot clues after an exhaustive search of the crime scene, but it was mainly the two bullet holes in his head.” Must belong to Rowaw Atkinsow… First bar news of the year and it’s all quiet on the eastern front. Only thing to report is that Ricky (Pandora) is opening a new place on Soi Honey. Afraid that’s your lot. Thailand is once again considering a 300 baht entry fee for tourists visiting the country. They say that the fee will apply to anyone arriving by air, land or boat, so if you want to avoid this charge you’ll have to either swim in or dig a tunnel. Where’s Charles Bronson when you need him? Relax and float upstream now with a pair of reminiscences from Monkeywatch in January 2013… “Walking Street was blacked out for an hour by a power cut shortly after the New Year had been ushered in. No great inconvenience was caused by this unexpected cock up, except to the chap who chose his companion for the night while the lights were out and later experienced an unexpected cock up of his own. A German quality tourist was arrested the other Sunday after being caught stealing a pair of socks from a shop in Royal Garden Plaza. He refused to comment when questioned by police but a court found him guilty and ordered him to be placed on the socks offenders register. The court was later placed on the crap jokes register.” Looks like Pattaya's got nothing in the pipeline at the moment… Rumours that one of the two Thai police officers recently found guilty of misconduct and transferred to “inactive posts” ended up as Pattaya’s Chief of Police have been dismissed as “speculation.” There’s still a lot of local residents continuing to complain about the hanging cables in Pattaya. Bloody whingers. Bet the residents of Babylon never complained about the hanging gardens. Finally, there’s been some recent reminiscing about the good old days when ST didn’t exist and LT was the only game in town. It’s a fair point. ST always carries the risk of “sloppy seconds.” You know, when you feel you’ve just stuck your dick into a bowl of cold porridge. be seeing you monkeyman

How time flies. It doesn't feel like more than 16.66666666666665 years.

Season’s greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying a visit, and welcome to this, our 200th edition, full of Christmas magic and festive fun. Well no, not really. The Thai PM has advised organisers of New Year events to do so taking “maximum precautions.” Against what, exactly? Following the devastating news that China is to ease its travel restrictions in January, we can no doubt expect to see hordes of diminutive Covid-infested yellow pests swarming all over Pattaya in the near future. Reckon most people would prefer a swarm of locusts – though the effect would be much the same in either case. In an attempt to crack down on overstayers, police are now employing several new techniques including facial recognition technology. Can’t imagine they’ll have much luck with that. After all, we all look the same to them, don’t we? Immigration officers have also been going round bars asking customers to produce their passports. This could be the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it, they’ll be wanting you to produce a blood sample, a retinal scan and a sample of your DNA. Beware, Big Buddha is watching you. Yet more reports are coming in of Indian tourists being taken in by “ladies” on Beach Road. When are these silly brown buggers going to learn that such late night shenanigans are unlikely to leave them with anything but an empty wallet and a sore arse? Very nice of them to provide their patrons with this. Wonder if they supply the cigarette papers as well?.. The boys in brown were out in force on Walking Street a couple of weeks ago doing safety checks in preparation for the Christmas and New Year celebrations. They instructed bar staff to “not abuse customers or take advantage of them”, though this was met with dismay by bar owners who said the huge amount of staff retraining this would require couldn’t possibly be completed by Christmas. A Belgian tourist turned up at Pattaya police station recently and begged officers to cut a ring off his finger as the offending digit had swollen up and was cutting off his circulation. The ring was duly sawn off and he went on his merry way, though one thinks it might’ve been quicker if he’d taken a walk up Beach Road in the early hours, where said item would have no doubt disappeared in double quick time with the aid of a little Vaseline, of which we believe the night time inhabitants have an abundant supply for one reason or another. A Brit bloke ended up in hospital after being hit by a truck while crossing the road at Jomtien Beach. Apparently, he tried to cross the road by going to a pedestrian crossing and waiting for the green light to indicate it was safe to cross before stepping onto the crossing. In Pattaya, this is of course the last thing you should do. Someone should’ve told him you never cross a road in Pattaya whatever the colour the lights are unless you’ve looked left, right, up and down three times first (‘up’ of course has the added benefit of alerting one to plummeting balcony jumpers.) If you live in Pattaya and want a metal phallus erected on your roof, just give these guys a call… Bar news now, and some of the gaps on Walking Street are slowly being filled. We’ve already had Iron Club reopening recently, and it’s been joined by a new place called XS A Go Go in the spot once occupied by Alcatraz. It’s owned by the same people as Pin Up so it could be worth a look – unless you don’t like Pin Up of course. And over on LK Metro there’s another new place opening called Mamasan Club. Yes, it’s all go (go) lately. Some coconut farmers are apparently being issued with ‘monkey-free’ certificates to verify that their harvests are, well, ‘monkey-free’ one supposes. Presumably, those farmers who don’t have the certificates will have to label their coconuts “Warning – may contain bits of monkey”. The Ghost of Christmas Past revisits us now with a brace of turkeys from Monkeywatch in December 2012… “A Brit tourist drowned last week while he and his chums were fleeing from security guards following an altercation in an all-night discotheque. “We are treating this as a very serious incident”, said a police spokesman, “that discotheque should have been closed by 3am.” Police were called to Beach Road the other night after a car smashed into the front of a tailors shop. The shop owner, who was erecting a new window display at the time, was unhurt but said he would be suing the woman driver for the damage to his shop front and for bending his dickey.” Last year, in a fit of virtue signalling, Pattaya City Hall approached Toyota to supply a fleet of new electric vehicles including baht buses, hotel courtesy cars and airport shuttle coaches. All they eventually received was two of these... An Indian man reported to Pattaya police last week that he’d been accosted by two ladyboys on Beach Road who stole his… blah blah blah, whatever, who gives a shit anymore? A Ruskie chap was electrocuted outside Pattaya Technical College last week when he leaned against a lamp post. Another example of Thai workmanship at its finest. City Hall said this this sort of thing sends out the wrong message about Pattaya as a holiday resort, the message presumably being “Don’t come here unless you want to go home in a wooden box.” Finally, the story of the month has to be the bloke who had 100,000 baht nicked from his room by a girl he met on a dating site because he didn’t want to pay for sex. Karma or what? A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to another irreverent peek through the keyhole at life in ‘Quality Tourist’ City. Yes, the place is overrun with the atrocious little buggers. Okay, down to business. It’s been reported that Thailand is preparing for a big surge in air pollution in the near future. Looking at the latest busloads of ‘quality tourists’ arriving in Pattaya, it isn’t difficult to work out why. Maybe face masks aren’t such a bad idea after all. The Tourist Authority of Thailand has said its plan for 2023 is to target Indians and Malaysians. Let’s hope they’re good shots. A monkey was badly hurt after jumping onto an electricity pole at Bali Hai Pier and getting a serious dose of volts. The unconscious primate was taken to the city vet’s department for treatment and is expected to make a full recovery. A spokesman for Bali Hai Pier said he regretted the incident as the monkey represented a better class of customer than they normally get. Wonder how they managed to slip that through customs?.. Thailand is set to offer tourists places where they can “turn back time and savour memories.” Well they can start by demolishing all those new bloody shopping malls. A recently appointed government official has been on a tour of Pattaya, during which he urged the city to improve its public relations. He cited the example of an Indian tourist in a fast food restaurant who made a complaint and was subsequently smashed in the face with a chair, dragged outside by his ankles and thrown into a rubbish skip by the establishment’s customer relations manager. So what’s the problem then? For the second year in a row, Swedes have voted Thailand as their favourite holiday destination. This is presumably because Thailand offers Swedes the ideal location to pursue their traditional pastimes – getting pissed as rats and shagging themselves silly. Pattaya police are to reopen this box after a spate of crimes in the area. Guess when the Chinese tourists return to Beach Road they’ll have to find another toilet… A few bits of bar news this month. Iron Club has finally reopened on Walking Street. A new place called Dynamite Entertainment has opened on Soi Buakhao. First reports say it might be worth a look (and a bit more, apparently.) Say no more. And Windmill is temporarily relocating to Annabel’s just over the other side of the alley, so it should be fairly easy to find even for the terminally intoxicated. Earlier this month, Thailand played host to this year’s APEC Business Advisory Council general meeting at which participants were pushed for swift solutions to the problems of food security, inflation and climate change. The Thai delegate was the first to come up with his solution to all these problems – closing all the bars at midnight. Time travel time now with a pair of prosaic pieces from Monkeywatch in November 2012… “A Thai chappie decided to end it all last week after his mother chastised him for hitting the family cat. She told police that his behaviour was very much in character as he’d spent much of his childhood spanking his monkey. An old navy ship was sunk off the coast of Koh Larn a couple of weeks ago, apparently so it can become a new artificial reef and an attraction for divers. Guess the divers were getting fed up of exploring the thirty or so Koh Larn ferries that were down there already.” Unusual name for a hotel… Over 20,000 tourists reportedly visited Koh Larn the weekend before last, though unlike when the Chinese tour parties are in Pattaya, they weren’t all on the same boat. Thailand has put a ban on Japanese and Korean visitors bringing fresh food into the country. One Korean chap complained that he should be allowed to bring his dog in but was unable to convince customs officers that it was his pet and not his dinner. People are reminded that local regulations state if you feed dogs in the street you may end up being liable for looking after them and their medical bills. So don’t buy street food for ugly bar girls. And to finish, a red alert, literally. The Ruskies are back in Thailand. The first four planeloads of the red sods have already arrived, so we’re all off to claim asylum in the UK. Hold that dinghy. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to another walk on the riled side. Best foot forward. Well, the holiday weekend saw Pattaya filled with hordes of Thais, Indians and other stinking pigs of indeterminate origin. It’s been reported that “Many bars and restaurants are now modifying their offerings to appeal to the South Asians.” This will no doubt involve a drastic reduction in the number of glasses and an equally drastic increase in the number of straws. Construction work in North Pattaya that was meant to reduce the flooding problem in the area ended up making it even worse when soil that hadn’t been replaced by the contractors washed down the drains and caused blockages in the drainage pipes. Cars, motorbikes and the odd dead dog could be seen floating around the area for several hours after the first downpour. This is the usual result of the traditional Thai custom known as “giving the job to a bunch of loons to save a few shekels.” Even better than that other drainage crew working behind The Avenue who brought down some overhead power cables and set fire to five cars. Silly buggers. Over 400 police officers and soldiers were sent to Pattaya in a show of force designed to boost goodwill and promote tourism over the holiday weekend. These ambassadors of goodwill spent the evening before the holiday jackbooting their way around the entertainment zones and raiding bars to demonstrate to the public just how safe they were, though one was left with the impression that they felt rather less safe than usual. Do you get wafers with it?... Pattaya’s business leaders are still moaning about the lack of Russian and Chinese tourists in the city, saying that they are now reliant on Thais, Indians and Turks to make a living and they’re calling yet again for more to be done to promote tourism. Well here’s an idea, boys. Instead of trying to scratch a living from a bunch of sundry stinking pigs, why not make an effort to get the westerners back? You remember, the ones who bought a whole drink to themselves and didn’t sleep ten to a room in the hotels. The ones who paid the girls more than 200 baht and didn’t think a 7-11 was an aircon bar. How quickly they forget. Morons. The owners of a grocery store were more than a little miffed when a couple of blokes came into their store and grabbed a couple of customers, dragged them outside, gave them a good kicking and bundled them into a waiting car. Fortunately, it was all sorted out the next day when the two chaps went back to the store in uniform and identified themselves as plain-clothes police officers making an arrest. When asked by the store owner why they were now wearing uniforms, one replied “It’s our day off.” We’ve now got both Russians and Indians claiming to have been robbed by katoeys on Beach Road. The Russian claimed to have lost a gold chain worth 120,000 baht, in stark contrast to a Thai woman who was robbed on the same day of a gold chain valued at two satang. Funny thing is, it looked like the same chain. And it’s strange how it never seems to happen to Westerners, innit? ‘Modern’ obviously has an alternative meaning in Thailand… Bar news now, and there’s been some developments on Walking Street. Frogland has now opened where the Siren 2 bar complex once stood. Bliss A Go Go has reopened and there’s some work going on in Miami and Panda. And of course Milk Bar has opened on Soi Diamond – nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. If you ever lose the key card to your hotel room, this is how you deal with it. An Indian hotelier who demanded a guest pay1000 baht for a replacement card was promptly smashed in the face with a hand sanitizer stand. You see, it’s just a case of explaining things properly to these people. Dream of times gone by now with a duo of memories from Monkeywatch in October 2012… “A team from Pattaya’s Sanitation Department have started work on unblocking the city’s drainage system. They’ve begun by taking up drain covers on Third Road and sucking out the pipes to ensure that the system runs freely. It’s rumoured that if things get too difficult they’ve got a team of girls from Soi 6 on standby to offer a little expert help. A former Walking Street magician was arrested yesterday after being accused of stealing a handbag from a woman after threatening her with a knife. An initial search of the man by police produced nothing, so they turned him upside down and shook him, at which point the missing handbag landed on the floor – followed by twenty mobile phones, three laptops, a 42 inch plasma TV and a Honda Wave. Amazing what you can stuff into a wizard’s sleeve.” Of course, if you’re one of those stupid people who doesn’t carry a bottle of vinegar around with them at all times then you’re well and truly up shit creek… Ever been into any of the Indian clubs in Pattaya? Strange places. Never seen so many bouncing turbans. And why do the blokes in there ignore the women and dance with each other? Could be a cultural thing. Either that or they’re a bunch of uphill gardeners. That might explain why they seem to have so many encounters with katoeys on Beach Road. A police crackdown on graffiti artists ordered by the mayor has been a complete failure. We know this because the news has been spray painted on the side of an electricity authority transformer cabinet. A Brit had a bit of a shock when he woke up one morning to find that his girlfriend of several hours had buggered off with his entire room safe. When asked by police how the woman could have walked out of the guesthouse unnoticed while carrying the safe, a member of staff said “It must have been hidden inside that wardrobe she took with her.” Finally, City Hall has resumed the old ‘No Chairs Wednesday’ malarkey on Pattaya Beach now all the lockdown nonsense has ended. This follows the previous ‘No Tourists Monday To Sunday’ plan brought about by having stupid Covid rules that everywhere else on the planet had scrapped long ago. Except China of course. Ah well, every cloud…. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to more tales of the unexpected from the city of the even more unexpected. Fasten your seat belts and away we go. There’s been a story in the Thai press about officials meeting with taxi drivers to discuss the issue of “stealing customers.” Well we’ve had stories about gold necklaces being stolen but this takes it to another level. Wonder how much they get for them? Wouldn’t have thought there was much of a market for stolen customers. Mind you, there’s more than a few bars around who look like they could use them. A Dutch chap has been arrested after he was spotted illegally catching fish. When asked by local reporters what exactly was illegal about catching fish, a police spokesman replied “He was catching fish in boxes being thrown by his mate out of the upstairs window of a seafood restaurant at 5am.” New traffic laws were introduced in Thailand on September 5, one of which is a fine of up to 2000 baht for driving backwards. That makes reverse parking kind of expensive, and if you’ve got a driveway you may as well sell your car now. As these new traffic laws are implemented in Pattaya, preparations are being made to deal with persistent offenders… A tourist got more than he bargained for while riding in a baht bus on Soi Buakhao (other spellings are available.) Apparently, a pissed up Thai woman got on the bus and plonked herself on his lap. When he spurned her advances, she attacked him and bit off his ear. One wonders what she’d have bitten off if he hadn’t spurned her advances. A local public servant has been found drowned in a reservoir while he was fishing. Bet he wishes he’d used a fishing rod now. A huge explosion has destroyed several restaurants in Central Pattaya. We understand that the paramilitary wing of the Pattaya Food Critics Association has claimed responsibility. In the footsteps of Mini Siam, a new Pattaya tourist attraction has just opened – Mini Ukraine… Bar news time again, and an old favourite in the shape of Peppermint a Go Go has reopened on Walking Street. The downside is that for some reason they’ve decided to employ a Thai toilet jockey to “assist” the customers. Hoped we’d seen the back of those buggers. Anyway, if he offers you a wash and brush up, tell him you’ll just settle for the wash. Bamboo Bar has also finally reopened and has hit the ground running, picking up exactly where it left off with large numbers of punters eagerly pursuing the latest crop of menopausal old bats. Yes, the old normal is definitely making a spirited comeback. In a new twist to an old story, an Indian tourist reported to Pattaya police that two ladyboys had stolen his wallet containing cash and his bank card. He said he gave chase but was unable to catch them, even though it had been observed that they were both wearing high heels. It seems that the old gold chain theft story has gone out of fashion, unlike the stinking pig wasting police time story which obviously hasn’t. Times gone by revisited now with a couple of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in September 2012… “There’s been a lot of debate about inflated barfines lately, with figures of 2500 baht and higher being quoted, and even larger sums being demanded for the ensuing horizontal shenanigans. Should a punter be stumping up this kind of cash? Well, why not? After all, it’s his money at the end of the day – but unfortunately, it’s hers by the next morning. Drama was the order of the day in East Pattaya last week after a suicidal Thai bloke climbed an electricity pylon and balanced himself precariously on the top. Police were called and quickly cleared the area round the base of the pylon in case the man decided to toss himself off.” A Pattaya hotel where Keith Moon once stayed has discovered and put on display the 15th page of his bill… A driver has been arrested after knocking a family of four off their motorbike while he was pissed as a rat. The man has refused to speak to police so his nationality is unknown, though one could probably take a stab at the nationality of the family of four on the motorbike. You’ll no doubt be thrilled to know that Tiffany’s Show Pattaya has finally reopened after a three year hiatus. The boss of the place has said that there won’t initially be as many shows as before because most of the current bookings are only from locals. Or to put it another way, most of the brown hatters previously going there were Chinese. And finally, a warning. A horde of yellow midgets following a stick was spotted on Walking Street the other night. Yes, they’re back. Be afraid, be very afraid. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for peeking in, and welcome to another month as Fun City creaks slowly back to life. On with the show. TAT has recently received a briefing from City Hall on how Pattaya is planning to encourage more Indian tourists to visit the city. Don’t know what was said, though if we’d been there our suggestions would have been for hotels to put eight more beds in each room and for the police to pretend to believe all the ludicrous fairy tales about stolen gold necklaces that we hear reported every other bloody day. Since Covid gave them delusions of relevance, the WHO have gone off on one again and starting squawking about a monkeypox global emergency. Well after a global grand total of five deaths why wouldn’t they? Fortunately, the Thai health authorities have decided to ignore this latest outburst of alarmist crap. Good for them. Talking about Covid, there’s a story going round on social media that it causes men’s penises to shrink. Scientists are taking this claim very seriously, as it could indicate that the virus has been circulating in Japan for several hundred years. Thais really need to learn the difference between laundry and lavatory… Now here’s a strange story. A middle aged Thai man apparently fell to his death from the balcony of his property while attempting to retrieve his kitchen knife. No further information was forthcoming as to the circumstances surrounding this event, so one is left wondering how a kitchen knife could end up in a place where someone could fall off a balcony trying to retrieve it. Must have been a bloody strange recipe. And now a cautionary tale for anyone thinking of buying an electric vehicle. A Thai chap had just arrived home on his electric scooter when the battery exploded between his legs and set fire to his house. The house was severely damaged and the hapless former scooter owner was last seen climbing his neighbour’s tree trying to retrieve his dick. As part of a promotional exercise, a hotel in Chang Mai is offering rooms for one baht per night, with a daily 300 baht food coupon thrown in for good measure. One of the first holidaymakers to take up the offer said “This a great offer. The rooms here are worth at least 10 baht of anybody’s money.” Highway officers who responded to a motor accident on the outskirts of Pattaya and had the wrecked vehicle moved to a Highway Patrol Station apparently didn’t notice that the driver (or what was left of him) was still inside the car, where he remained for the next 12 hours until he was spotted by an eagle-eyed policeman. A spokesman defending the department said that people should stop splitting hairs and it didn’t matter a stuff as the bloke was dead anyway. These bleeding heart liberals get everywhere. Police are trying to locate the thief who stole…er… well they don’t actually know what was here but it obviously isn’t here any more… Bar news continues to be good. In the Walking Street area, Beavers reopened at the beginning of the month and there’s some new Go Go’s appearing such as Cavalli. Secrets is also reopening shortly as Keys, and with a very similar business model it seems. What was the Simon 2 beer bar complex has apparently been acquired by the owner of Frog Bar and is being converted into a sort of nightclub/beer bar hybrid called Frogland (what else?) The old Oasis is soon to reopen as Bling, no doubt inspired by the Thais’ favourite crooner Bling Closby. And Phil (Mr Egg) Ross has acquired a new bar (the one next door to Le Pub) which should be up and running by October. Happy days. It’s been reported that Pattaya construction crews ignored a stop work order over the recent holiday weekend. Makes a change. We’re more used to Thais ignoring start work orders. Let’s do the time warp again with a look at a pair of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in August 2012… “Pattaya officials have decided it’s high time that they upgraded the city’s disaster alert system, so they’ve decided to buy a louder whistle. And to alert the rural areas, every poultry farmer will be offered a bigger cock. Yet another tree cutting exercise has been undertaken on Beach Road to make it a nicer place for tourists. The supervisor in charge of the project said he hoped that the pruning work would decrease prostitution. An original solution, for sure. Perhaps he should take it further and see if he can reduce the city’s drugs problem with a bit of judicious hedge trimming.” Archaeologists in Pattaya believe they may have unearthed Shane MacGowan’s old teeth… Pattaya police have finally arrested a gold necklace snatcher and it looks like this one’s genuine as the victim was a Thai woman and not a male Indian tourist. Speaking of which, a drunken Indian tourist was arrested at Marine Plaza after getting into the boxing ring and live streaming himself ranting and shouting abuse. Perhaps it’s time someone explained to TAT the difference between ‘quality tourist’ and ‘stinking pig.’ Finally, in another bit of monkeypox news, the Medical Council of Thailand has advised Thais not to have sex with foreigners as it might help spread the disease. They seem to be blissfully unaware that virtually all cases of monkeypox are found in players of the pink oboe (or in the case of Thais, the brown oboe.) Anyway, they’re the bloody foreigners, not us. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to freedom month. Yes, it’s all over. Or is it? Time will tell… The old “Indian who’s reported to police that he’s had his gold chain nicked by katoeys” count has now risen to eight in the last two months. The latest was a bit bolder than the others, upping the ante from 50,000 to 120,000 baht. Just how stupid do they think the insurance companies are? Silly buggers. The patience of the police with all this seems to be wearing a little thin as well, with stories of them throwing statements into the rubbish bin as soon as the alleged victims have left the building. Perhaps a few arrests for wasting police time would sort the problem out. Residents of Pattaya have been given a talk by a leading medical expert who assured them that monkeypox is not a serious threat and that they are at little risk as long as they refrain from buggery and bestiality, though he acknowledged that this was a big ask. Thailand is one of many countries where it’s been observed that young people are much more likely to get scammed online than their older counterparts. Some commentators think this is just because they spend more time online, but others say the most likely explanation is simply that they’re thick as pig shit. Any newbies looking in might like to try out this new public toilet on Beach Road… The Thai government is to expand its novel idea of making prisons into tourist attractions, so if you’d like to see how a Thai prison works, just stump up the entrance fee and rubberneck to your hearts content. Or if you don’t fancy paying for the privilege, just try taking some drugs through customs and they’ll be more than happy to let you in free of charge. An Islamic group visiting Thailand has praised the country for its positive attitude to multiculturalism following a conducted tour of various locations. You won’t be surprised to learn that the tour they were given steered well clear of Pattaya. The legalisation of casinos in Thailand is on the agenda again, apparently because the country is strapped for cash following the Covid lockdowns. Well if they’re so broke, why did they persist with restrictions when everybody else had long since scrapped them and moved on? Silly buggers. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, the penny still hasn’t dropped with CAAT, who say that the mask mandate is still in place for all flights to and from Thailand. Unbelievable. Pattaya has had no problem with illegal immigrants since they started sending them back home with this catapult… Bar news time, and at last there’s actually stuff to report. Escape a Go Go opened in Treetown at the beginning of the month. A strange place, which is a sort of Go Go or night club depending on what time you arrive. Seems to be attracting mixed reviews. With no sign of Bamboo Bar reopening, it seems that many of the ladies who used to patronise said establishment have migrated to Triangle Bar, so if you’re in the market for a menopausal old bat who’s good for 500 baht LT, this place could be right up your street. Other places continue to reopen, though the LK Metro area is looking much more like of old than is Walking Street, which is still plagued by ongoing repair work. A man has been found shot through the head and with a discharged firearm in his hand at a Pattaya gun range. Police are still attempting to ascertain whether or not he committed suicide. So what else do they think it is? That he was just a very bad shot? Some naughty bar girls are currently asking up to 5000 baht LT according to some punters. Perhaps these ladies should take the time to cast an eye over the current batch of ignorant stinking pigs in Pattaya, at which point they’ll no doubt come to the inescapable conclusion that they’ll be lucky to get 500. Silly buggers. Time to slam into reverse now with a look at a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in July 2012… “Yet another Pattaya hotel has ejected a bunch of Indian tourists after they found eight of them sleeping in one small room. Do you remember a few years ago when Pattaya hatched a master plan to change its image by encouraging a new breed of “quality tourists”? Going well, isn’t it? A Pattaya street cleaner found 800 yabba tablets last week while performing his regular municipal duties. When asked where he found the tablets, he replied “On the second moon of Jupiter”. A food vendor was attacked and robbed by two men the other evening while he was taking a piss up a wall. Let’s hope he prepares his food with the other hand.” With the impending arrival of a host of new quality tourists, it’s good to see that officials have made sure that things in the city are looking their best… TAT has come up with yet another wizard wheeze to justify its existence, and this time it’s Carbon Neutral Tourism. So what are they going to do then? Ban gassy beer and baked beans? The Royal Gazette has come up with a decree that monkeypox must be monitored in Thailand. As there’s only one reported case of the disease in the country, this task could prove to be very difficult…or very easy, depending on how you look at it. Pattaya police have been informed about an incident in a laundrette where a man showed off his genitalia to women. In Pattaya, this is known as a ‘man bites dog’ story. Finally, there are stories going round of a fake watch scam in Pattaya. Nothing new there. Bought a fake watch in Pattaya a while ago and it turned out to be real. Can’t trust anybody these days. be seeing you monkeyman