monkeyman

I do indeed and thank you for your offer, which is much appreciated. New sources of pics are always most welcome.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more tales about the pitfalls of life in the land of sniggers. Shortly before the beginning of Songkran, the boys in brown started carrying out so-called nightclub inspections “to make tourists feel safe and secure.” Not sure that the best way to achieve this is to have police jackbooting their way around nightclubs harassing patrons. One bar owner said he’d had his back doors smashed in, though it later transpired that this related to a visit he’d made to Katoeys ‘R’ Us. Alcohol limits were introduced by some local authorities this year for the duration of the Songkran festivities. This isn’t a new idea of course. It’s said that motorsport fans in Australia were subjected to similar restrictions during the annual Bathurst endurance race, where attendees were told they couldn’t bring more than 28 cans of beer per person to the event. Surprised anybody bothered to turn up. Here’s a story that’s doing the rounds. It relates to an ageing lothario in Pattaya who parted with large amounts of cash to lure a nubile young hotty from her go go bar to his hotel room. Things were just hotting up under the duvet when he felt it coming – the mother of all farts, the one that can’t be stopped and the one that threatened to destroy the ambience of his whole meticulously planned evening. He made a split-second decision to feign a coughing fit to disguise the emanating sound and then started flailing around with the duvet in an attempt to disperse the inevitable ensuing odour. This naturally piqued the curiosity of the young lady who enquired as to what the hell he was doing. In a moment of panic, he told her he thought there was a snake in the bed, at which point she leapt to her feet and started stomping all over the bed and surrounding area to kill the mythical snake. There wasn’t one of course, but she did manage to stomp on his false teeth, his spectacles and his testicles before running naked and screaming from the room, knocking over and smashing his large screen television as she did so. The noise alerted hotel security, the police were called and the man was taken to the police station where he was charged with attempted rape and criminal damage and subsequently recommended for deportation. Better not to fart in bed, probably. Or believe daft April Fools stories. An underground Indian restaurant in Pattaya? This must surely be unique… Oh no, hang on… Brits have been warned to double check their travel insurance before coming to Thailand as their cover might not be all they expect it to be. For instance, five Brits involved in traffic accidents were refused cover because they weren’t wearing crash helmets – even though they were all pedestrians. They refused another bloke because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt in the back of a vehicle that crashed, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was a baht bus. Due to health concerns, the Department of Health has recommended that people in Thailand should only eat cooked foods. Probably won’t work too well with ice cream. It’s been suggested that the mooted decriminalisation of sex toys in Thailand is causing some friction between politicians. Perhaps they should try using some lube next time. Police were called to a punch-up between two rival gangs in a Third Road pub the other week. There were a few punches and flying bottles, though photos suggest that not a lot of damage was done. Nothing like the mass brawl that took place in a Beach Road bar many years ago when the place was completely trashed. Every piece of furniture was destroyed, every glass was broken. It was like something from the Wild West. It took staff days to clean up the broken glass, twisted metal, blood and snot. Somehow, the bar’s name didn’t seem very fitting after that… Bar news now, and the new Las Vegas A Go Go is finally up and running in LK Metro. Just as well really, as there’s bugger all else to report. One of the delights of visiting Pattaya is the myriad of live music that’s available in bars all over the city. The quality tends to be pretty good, though a bar in Second Road proved a few weeks ago that this isn’t always the case. A band with a female singer started their set, and it was soon obvious to everybody present that she was pissed as a rat. She managed to get through the first few numbers before falling off the stage into an undignified heap. Undeterred, she struggled to her feet, remounted the stage, and soldiered on for about 20 minutes before being hit on the head and knocked unconscious by a stray pool ball from a table next to the stage. She was taken to hospital where she was examined and told it was unlikely that she’d ever sing again, though we understand this news was delivered by the bar’s manager rather than a doctor. Still, it was probably for the best. Think we’ll stick to Hot Tuna in future. Yesteryear revisited now with a sneaky peek at a couple of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in April 2013… “Police arrested a Thai bloke in the wee hours of the other Tuesday morning after he turned his car over on the central reservation of Sukhumvit Road. He told police he’d swerved after mistaking the shadow of a tree on the road for a pedestrian. Perhaps not the best defence to use if you’re trying to convince the police that you aren’t pissed out of your mind. It wasn’t and he didn’t because he was. There was a bit of a conflagration on Soi 16 last Thursday after a block of beer bars burned to the ground following an electrical fire. Though it was initially claimed that there were no casualties, it’s been reported that several of the nearby street vendors have added Crispy Arab to their menus.” Don’t think too many Brits will be staying here (it’s slang for shithouse)… A couple of enterprising Thai chaps decided to bag themselves a few coconuts on Beach Road the other day by having one of them shin up a tree with a machete to dislodge said items while the other one waited on the ground to catch them in a piece of outstretched plastic bag he was holding between his hands. The first coconut duly plummeted earthwards and smashed on the ground several feet from man and bag, closely followed by a second that was saved from destruction after it ricocheted off the man’s head and into the arms of a startled passer-by. So it all turned out well in the end. Apart from the bloke on the ground, who’s still in hospital with a fractured skull. Well, as the old Thai saying goes, you can’t make a coconut omelette without breaking heads. A Thai man was injured on Walking Street during Songkran by a Turk who took exception to having a bucket of water chucked over him. Good job he didn’t throw a bar of soap at him too - that would’ve got him really riled. Finally, an Indian bloke tuned up at Pattaya police station last week claiming to have been kidnapped, assaulted and defrauded. The police told him to bugger off. Perhaps he should’ve mentioned the theft of his 50,000 baht gold bracelet. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois, and welcome to another round of unlikely tales, the most unlikely of course being the truest. As if it wasn’t bad enough that the proposed 4am bar closing times have been unceremoniously binned, the boys in brown have now decided, as part of their Tourist Prevention Programme, to undertake a blitz of raids to ensure that the existing 2am closing times are rigorously enforced. No doubt they’ll be aided and abetted by the Anti-Tourist Police to make sure that everyone has as miserable a holiday as possible. Amazing Thailand? Bloody unbelievable, more like. Firefighters were called out to Second Road recently after reports that a blaze had started in a massage parlour. The fire was alleged to have been caused by a build-up of friction, though the precise nature of said friction was not disclosed. One or two possibilities spring to mind. The parking ban on the west side of Beach Road has been reintroduced as of March 1. Ah well, one side down, one to go. Tour buses have also been restricted to Soi 3 and Soi 5 as all the other streets off Beach Road have been designated too narrow to accommodate them. Beats us why such diminutive little squits need large tour buses anyway. And the official stops for baht buses have been set up again. Good to hear that City Hall hasn’t lost its sense of humour. Now who could resist a bargain like that?... Reports that the Thai Royal Air Force has returned 36 turkeys to Thailand have proved to be incorrect. If fact, they’ve actually returned 36 Thais from Turkey following the earthquakes. Shame, we’d rather have had the turkeys. Following a fatality from bird flu in Cambodia, a Thai virologist has called for increased monitoring of the disease, and has urged poultry farmers who can’t raise their cocks in the morning to contact him urgently. Guess he must be overstocked with Viagra. The Thai Tourism Authority has set a goal of welcoming five million Chinese tourists to the country this year. Hopefully this means that any arrivals over and above this number will be told to bugger off. For those who can’t wait for Songkran, the Indians now offer you a new opportunity to get covered in shit… Bar news time, and we have more new kids on the block in the shape of Flex A Go Go on Soi Diamond and Apple A Go Go on Walking Street. Also on the way is Las Vegas A Go Go on LK Metro. And would you believe The Castle is now hosting wine evenings? Shouldn’t that be whine evenings? Measures have been put in place to deal with a local outbreak of Yellow Band Disease. Not sure what it is but it’d be wise to deport any recently arrived Chinese musicians just to be safe. A bit of retro now with a trio of stories from Monkeywatch in March 2013… “A Ukrainian quality tourist went berserk in a 7-Eleven store the other Friday after buying some water and nail varnish, which he then used to paint two initials onto the back of an ATM machine for some unfathomable reason. He went on to wave a pair of knives at the bemused staff but calmed down after police arrived and fired a couple of warning shots through his head. The boys in brown were having a busy time of it last Wednesday night, with a police raiding party out on the town looking for counterfeit goods and the arrest of 40 ladyboys on Beach Road. Still trying to work out if this was two stories or only one. Following the news that a Russian Tourist had found her stolen iPad by using the “Find My iPad” application, girls in local bars have contacted Apple so see if it would be possible to develop a “Find My Penis” app for some of their less well-endowed customers.” If you were short of an Irishman for St Patrick’s Day, this was the place to get one… Thai police are reported to have recovered 29 luxury cars stolen in Britain and shipped to Thailand, including a Mini Cooper. One assumes that their definition of a luxury bed would include a hammock. A government spokesman has said that tourism will be vital to Thailand’s economic recovery – just after they rejected the 4am closing times and started a new wave of bar raids. Not a bloody clue. Pattaya authorities have refused to allow the reopening of the Nashaa Club (aka The Bouncing Turban) after it caught fire three times in a year and was found to be partially constructed on public land. The owners complained about the decision as the place had already been rebuilt so the authorities came up with a nifty solution – they burned it down again. Finally, a new E-guidebook has come onto the market in Thailand called “Muslim Friendly Tourism Routes.” Strangely, the Pattaya route seems to direct them off the end of Bali Hai Pier. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for joining us once again, and welcome to another cavity search into the goings-on in the city of titters. Walking Street clubs and bars have been warned that perpendicular erections are set to be banned from the front of their premises. Shouldn’t be a problem, as in our experience such activities usually take place in the back (or in the case of Katoeys R Us, in the rear.) The Thai health ministry have announced that individuals found in possession of certain drugs will in future incur stiffer penalties. Presumably if one of the drugs is Viagra, the penalty will be even stiffer. Pattaya Bridge Club has apparently found itself a new home in a place called Meat Stuff Pattaya. Certainly better than in 2016, when the club was in danger of being relocated to the Bangkok Hilton after they were convicted of the heinous crime of owning too many decks of playing cards. Bloody disgraceful. Hanging’s too good for them. Police are investigating reports that two witches have crash landed on Beach Road… A Thai tour company has been fined 500,000 baht after a member of their staff gave a Chinese tourist a good kicking and stuck a knife up his left nostril. This was apparently because the man had demanded a refund for a trip he missed as the company had failed to collect him from the arranged meeting point. However, the situation was resolved after a group of local residents presented the police with a cheque for 500,000 baht, which was pinned to a petition demanding the man be immediately deported and banned from the Kingdom for the rest of his life. We do like a happy ending. Police were called the other week after a Chinese tourist plummeted 27 floors from a Pattaya condo. The incident went unnoticed for quite a while as passers-by assumed that they were looking at some new Walking Street style pavement art. There’s been reports recently of tourists in Pattaya being bombarded with ping pong bombs. Just an occupational hazard if you walk past the door of a Go Go bar during show time. “You don’t see many of those about, do you?” Bar news now, and the word is that there’s going to be a new beer bar complex on the old Made In Thailand site. And why not? And Ricky’s new bar Lips Lounge is now open on Soi Honey. Are the toilet jockeys now in league with the shoeshine boys? They seem to have started pummelling customers on the back before they’ve even finished taking a leak so they need the services of the shoe shine boys situated conveniently outside to clean the piss off their shoes. Slippery as greasy weasels, the lot of them. Time for a re-wind up now with a look over the shoulder at a pair of prosaic pieces from Monkeywatch in February 2013… “It’s been a pretty standard sort of month in Pattaya really. A Pole was pulverised by a propeller (on a speedboat), a Russian was recycled into a rack of ribs (by a motorbike), and a Dane was demolished by a drop (23 floors from a condo block.) Add to that the usual spate of shootings, stabbings and muggings and it’s just been business as usual. Still, it’s a great place to bring the family – if you want to go home single. City officials have renewed their pledge to upgrade facilities at the Pattaya Youth Sports Center after calling it “a dilapidated embarrassment”, an expression they learned from reading a review of a concert by Cliff Richard. Cliff of course swore he’d never play in Thailand again after an incident on stage in Bangkok a few years ago when he was struck in the left ear by an individual pork pie during the second chorus of “Devil Woman.” If you don’t think bar girls are getting fatter, try offering one a lift home… Baht bus drivers in Pattaya have been reminded yet again that they need to be more respectful to their passengers. They’ve been told that they mustn’t cheat, overcharge or swear at their passengers. Additionally, they shouldn’t drive whilst drunk or chuck passengers off their buses in mid journey. A spokesman for the drivers replied “This is just typical. The people making these rules clearly have absolutely no respect for tradition.” The drivers eventually reluctantly agreed to stop doing these things, though one of them did ask “Would it be okay if we only did them to the Chinese?” Sounds like a reasonable compromise. Pattaya has come up with a solution to the epidemic of illegal rubbish tipping in the city – they’re putting up signs saying “no littering.” Brilliant. All they have to do now is put up a few more signs like “no drugs”, “no prostitution” and “no gambling” and they can dispense with the police force completely. Finally, air pollution in parts of Thailand has now been officially designated as “unhealthy.” The news was celebrated by officials who said this was a substantial improvement on the previous designation of “lethal.” Ah well, every little bit helps. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another New Year, and welcome to the latest invasion of the yellow peril into Fun City. Well, it had to happen sooner or later, though later would’ve been infinitely preferable. A Thai folk music commentator has been arrested and accused of interfering with a 16 year old boy late last year. Well, as they say in the North of England “There’s nowt so queer as folk.” Well imagine our surprise. Thailand welcomed in the New Year by reintroducing mandatory Covid vaccine certificates for anyone arriving from abroad. Yes, this applied to everybody – you didn’t have to be small and yellow. No Covid testing was planned, though authorities planned to remove waste water from planes to test for the virus. In other words, they were taking the piss – as was confirmed the day after the original announcement when the whole thing was hastily scrapped and consigned to the dustbin of history. Yes, another PR triumph for the Thai tourist industry. Tourism in Thailand is facing a shortage of workers now the Chinese tourists have started to arrive once more. They probably all ran for the hills as soon as they heard that the pesky little yellow buggers were on their way. Looks like the Alfred Hitchcock Fan Club are in town… Thai traffic police are to be issued with new yellow vests to make them more visible. No need to buy that motorbike helmet now then. Tourist Police have completed their first sweep of Beach Road in 2023 and have once again confirmed that there is no prostitution in the area. Apparently, one lady said she’d evaded detection by hiding behind a tree. Perhaps that’s what they all did. The death of a Chinese tour guide is being treated as suspicious after he fell from a rooftop in Naklua. When asked what had aroused their suspicions, a police spokesman said “Well we did find some difficult-to-spot clues after an exhaustive search of the crime scene, but it was mainly the two bullet holes in his head.” Must belong to Rowaw Atkinsow… First bar news of the year and it’s all quiet on the eastern front. Only thing to report is that Ricky (Pandora) is opening a new place on Soi Honey. Afraid that’s your lot. Thailand is once again considering a 300 baht entry fee for tourists visiting the country. They say that the fee will apply to anyone arriving by air, land or boat, so if you want to avoid this charge you’ll have to either swim in or dig a tunnel. Where’s Charles Bronson when you need him? Relax and float upstream now with a pair of reminiscences from Monkeywatch in January 2013… “Walking Street was blacked out for an hour by a power cut shortly after the New Year had been ushered in. No great inconvenience was caused by this unexpected cock up, except to the chap who chose his companion for the night while the lights were out and later experienced an unexpected cock up of his own. A German quality tourist was arrested the other Sunday after being caught stealing a pair of socks from a shop in Royal Garden Plaza. He refused to comment when questioned by police but a court found him guilty and ordered him to be placed on the socks offenders register. The court was later placed on the crap jokes register.” Looks like Pattaya's got nothing in the pipeline at the moment… Rumours that one of the two Thai police officers recently found guilty of misconduct and transferred to “inactive posts” ended up as Pattaya’s Chief of Police have been dismissed as “speculation.” There’s still a lot of local residents continuing to complain about the hanging cables in Pattaya. Bloody whingers. Bet the residents of Babylon never complained about the hanging gardens. Finally, there’s been some recent reminiscing about the good old days when ST didn’t exist and LT was the only game in town. It’s a fair point. ST always carries the risk of “sloppy seconds.” You know, when you feel you’ve just stuck your dick into a bowl of cold porridge. be seeing you monkeyman

How time flies. It doesn't feel like more than 16.66666666666665 years.

Season’s greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying a visit, and welcome to this, our 200th edition, full of Christmas magic and festive fun. Well no, not really. The Thai PM has advised organisers of New Year events to do so taking “maximum precautions.” Against what, exactly? Following the devastating news that China is to ease its travel restrictions in January, we can no doubt expect to see hordes of diminutive Covid-infested yellow pests swarming all over Pattaya in the near future. Reckon most people would prefer a swarm of locusts – though the effect would be much the same in either case. In an attempt to crack down on overstayers, police are now employing several new techniques including facial recognition technology. Can’t imagine they’ll have much luck with that. After all, we all look the same to them, don’t we? Immigration officers have also been going round bars asking customers to produce their passports. This could be the thin end of the wedge. Before you know it, they’ll be wanting you to produce a blood sample, a retinal scan and a sample of your DNA. Beware, Big Buddha is watching you. Yet more reports are coming in of Indian tourists being taken in by “ladies” on Beach Road. When are these silly brown buggers going to learn that such late night shenanigans are unlikely to leave them with anything but an empty wallet and a sore arse? Very nice of them to provide their patrons with this. Wonder if they supply the cigarette papers as well?.. The boys in brown were out in force on Walking Street a couple of weeks ago doing safety checks in preparation for the Christmas and New Year celebrations. They instructed bar staff to “not abuse customers or take advantage of them”, though this was met with dismay by bar owners who said the huge amount of staff retraining this would require couldn’t possibly be completed by Christmas. A Belgian tourist turned up at Pattaya police station recently and begged officers to cut a ring off his finger as the offending digit had swollen up and was cutting off his circulation. The ring was duly sawn off and he went on his merry way, though one thinks it might’ve been quicker if he’d taken a walk up Beach Road in the early hours, where said item would have no doubt disappeared in double quick time with the aid of a little Vaseline, of which we believe the night time inhabitants have an abundant supply for one reason or another. A Brit bloke ended up in hospital after being hit by a truck while crossing the road at Jomtien Beach. Apparently, he tried to cross the road by going to a pedestrian crossing and waiting for the green light to indicate it was safe to cross before stepping onto the crossing. In Pattaya, this is of course the last thing you should do. Someone should’ve told him you never cross a road in Pattaya whatever the colour the lights are unless you’ve looked left, right, up and down three times first (‘up’ of course has the added benefit of alerting one to plummeting balcony jumpers.) If you live in Pattaya and want a metal phallus erected on your roof, just give these guys a call… Bar news now, and some of the gaps on Walking Street are slowly being filled. We’ve already had Iron Club reopening recently, and it’s been joined by a new place called XS A Go Go in the spot once occupied by Alcatraz. It’s owned by the same people as Pin Up so it could be worth a look – unless you don’t like Pin Up of course. And over on LK Metro there’s another new place opening called Mamasan Club. Yes, it’s all go (go) lately. Some coconut farmers are apparently being issued with ‘monkey-free’ certificates to verify that their harvests are, well, ‘monkey-free’ one supposes. Presumably, those farmers who don’t have the certificates will have to label their coconuts “Warning – may contain bits of monkey”. The Ghost of Christmas Past revisits us now with a brace of turkeys from Monkeywatch in December 2012… “A Brit tourist drowned last week while he and his chums were fleeing from security guards following an altercation in an all-night discotheque. “We are treating this as a very serious incident”, said a police spokesman, “that discotheque should have been closed by 3am.” Police were called to Beach Road the other night after a car smashed into the front of a tailors shop. The shop owner, who was erecting a new window display at the time, was unhurt but said he would be suing the woman driver for the damage to his shop front and for bending his dickey.” Last year, in a fit of virtue signalling, Pattaya City Hall approached Toyota to supply a fleet of new electric vehicles including baht buses, hotel courtesy cars and airport shuttle coaches. All they eventually received was two of these... An Indian man reported to Pattaya police last week that he’d been accosted by two ladyboys on Beach Road who stole his… blah blah blah, whatever, who gives a shit anymore? A Ruskie chap was electrocuted outside Pattaya Technical College last week when he leaned against a lamp post. Another example of Thai workmanship at its finest. City Hall said this this sort of thing sends out the wrong message about Pattaya as a holiday resort, the message presumably being “Don’t come here unless you want to go home in a wooden box.” Finally, the story of the month has to be the bloke who had 100,000 baht nicked from his room by a girl he met on a dating site because he didn’t want to pay for sex. Karma or what? A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to one and all. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to another irreverent peek through the keyhole at life in ‘Quality Tourist’ City. Yes, the place is overrun with the atrocious little buggers. Okay, down to business. It’s been reported that Thailand is preparing for a big surge in air pollution in the near future. Looking at the latest busloads of ‘quality tourists’ arriving in Pattaya, it isn’t difficult to work out why. Maybe face masks aren’t such a bad idea after all. The Tourist Authority of Thailand has said its plan for 2023 is to target Indians and Malaysians. Let’s hope they’re good shots. A monkey was badly hurt after jumping onto an electricity pole at Bali Hai Pier and getting a serious dose of volts. The unconscious primate was taken to the city vet’s department for treatment and is expected to make a full recovery. A spokesman for Bali Hai Pier said he regretted the incident as the monkey represented a better class of customer than they normally get. Wonder how they managed to slip that through customs?.. Thailand is set to offer tourists places where they can “turn back time and savour memories.” Well they can start by demolishing all those new bloody shopping malls. A recently appointed government official has been on a tour of Pattaya, during which he urged the city to improve its public relations. He cited the example of an Indian tourist in a fast food restaurant who made a complaint and was subsequently smashed in the face with a chair, dragged outside by his ankles and thrown into a rubbish skip by the establishment’s customer relations manager. So what’s the problem then? For the second year in a row, Swedes have voted Thailand as their favourite holiday destination. This is presumably because Thailand offers Swedes the ideal location to pursue their traditional pastimes – getting pissed as rats and shagging themselves silly. Pattaya police are to reopen this box after a spate of crimes in the area. Guess when the Chinese tourists return to Beach Road they’ll have to find another toilet… A few bits of bar news this month. Iron Club has finally reopened on Walking Street. A new place called Dynamite Entertainment has opened on Soi Buakhao. First reports say it might be worth a look (and a bit more, apparently.) Say no more. And Windmill is temporarily relocating to Annabel’s just over the other side of the alley, so it should be fairly easy to find even for the terminally intoxicated. Earlier this month, Thailand played host to this year’s APEC Business Advisory Council general meeting at which participants were pushed for swift solutions to the problems of food security, inflation and climate change. The Thai delegate was the first to come up with his solution to all these problems – closing all the bars at midnight. Time travel time now with a pair of prosaic pieces from Monkeywatch in November 2012… “A Thai chappie decided to end it all last week after his mother chastised him for hitting the family cat. She told police that his behaviour was very much in character as he’d spent much of his childhood spanking his monkey. An old navy ship was sunk off the coast of Koh Larn a couple of weeks ago, apparently so it can become a new artificial reef and an attraction for divers. Guess the divers were getting fed up of exploring the thirty or so Koh Larn ferries that were down there already.” Unusual name for a hotel… Over 20,000 tourists reportedly visited Koh Larn the weekend before last, though unlike when the Chinese tour parties are in Pattaya, they weren’t all on the same boat. Thailand has put a ban on Japanese and Korean visitors bringing fresh food into the country. One Korean chap complained that he should be allowed to bring his dog in but was unable to convince customs officers that it was his pet and not his dinner. People are reminded that local regulations state if you feed dogs in the street you may end up being liable for looking after them and their medical bills. So don’t buy street food for ugly bar girls. And to finish, a red alert, literally. The Ruskies are back in Thailand. The first four planeloads of the red sods have already arrived, so we’re all off to claim asylum in the UK. Hold that dinghy. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to another walk on the riled side. Best foot forward. Well, the holiday weekend saw Pattaya filled with hordes of Thais, Indians and other stinking pigs of indeterminate origin. It’s been reported that “Many bars and restaurants are now modifying their offerings to appeal to the South Asians.” This will no doubt involve a drastic reduction in the number of glasses and an equally drastic increase in the number of straws. Construction work in North Pattaya that was meant to reduce the flooding problem in the area ended up making it even worse when soil that hadn’t been replaced by the contractors washed down the drains and caused blockages in the drainage pipes. Cars, motorbikes and the odd dead dog could be seen floating around the area for several hours after the first downpour. This is the usual result of the traditional Thai custom known as “giving the job to a bunch of loons to save a few shekels.” Even better than that other drainage crew working behind The Avenue who brought down some overhead power cables and set fire to five cars. Silly buggers. Over 400 police officers and soldiers were sent to Pattaya in a show of force designed to boost goodwill and promote tourism over the holiday weekend. These ambassadors of goodwill spent the evening before the holiday jackbooting their way around the entertainment zones and raiding bars to demonstrate to the public just how safe they were, though one was left with the impression that they felt rather less safe than usual. Do you get wafers with it?... Pattaya’s business leaders are still moaning about the lack of Russian and Chinese tourists in the city, saying that they are now reliant on Thais, Indians and Turks to make a living and they’re calling yet again for more to be done to promote tourism. Well here’s an idea, boys. Instead of trying to scratch a living from a bunch of sundry stinking pigs, why not make an effort to get the westerners back? You remember, the ones who bought a whole drink to themselves and didn’t sleep ten to a room in the hotels. The ones who paid the girls more than 200 baht and didn’t think a 7-11 was an aircon bar. How quickly they forget. Morons. The owners of a grocery store were more than a little miffed when a couple of blokes came into their store and grabbed a couple of customers, dragged them outside, gave them a good kicking and bundled them into a waiting car. Fortunately, it was all sorted out the next day when the two chaps went back to the store in uniform and identified themselves as plain-clothes police officers making an arrest. When asked by the store owner why they were now wearing uniforms, one replied “It’s our day off.” We’ve now got both Russians and Indians claiming to have been robbed by katoeys on Beach Road. The Russian claimed to have lost a gold chain worth 120,000 baht, in stark contrast to a Thai woman who was robbed on the same day of a gold chain valued at two satang. Funny thing is, it looked like the same chain. And it’s strange how it never seems to happen to Westerners, innit? ‘Modern’ obviously has an alternative meaning in Thailand… Bar news now, and there’s been some developments on Walking Street. Frogland has now opened where the Siren 2 bar complex once stood. Bliss A Go Go has reopened and there’s some work going on in Miami and Panda. And of course Milk Bar has opened on Soi Diamond – nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. If you ever lose the key card to your hotel room, this is how you deal with it. An Indian hotelier who demanded a guest pay1000 baht for a replacement card was promptly smashed in the face with a hand sanitizer stand. You see, it’s just a case of explaining things properly to these people. Dream of times gone by now with a duo of memories from Monkeywatch in October 2012… “A team from Pattaya’s Sanitation Department have started work on unblocking the city’s drainage system. They’ve begun by taking up drain covers on Third Road and sucking out the pipes to ensure that the system runs freely. It’s rumoured that if things get too difficult they’ve got a team of girls from Soi 6 on standby to offer a little expert help. A former Walking Street magician was arrested yesterday after being accused of stealing a handbag from a woman after threatening her with a knife. An initial search of the man by police produced nothing, so they turned him upside down and shook him, at which point the missing handbag landed on the floor – followed by twenty mobile phones, three laptops, a 42 inch plasma TV and a Honda Wave. Amazing what you can stuff into a wizard’s sleeve.” Of course, if you’re one of those stupid people who doesn’t carry a bottle of vinegar around with them at all times then you’re well and truly up shit creek… Ever been into any of the Indian clubs in Pattaya? Strange places. Never seen so many bouncing turbans. And why do the blokes in there ignore the women and dance with each other? Could be a cultural thing. Either that or they’re a bunch of uphill gardeners. That might explain why they seem to have so many encounters with katoeys on Beach Road. A police crackdown on graffiti artists ordered by the mayor has been a complete failure. We know this because the news has been spray painted on the side of an electricity authority transformer cabinet. A Brit had a bit of a shock when he woke up one morning to find that his girlfriend of several hours had buggered off with his entire room safe. When asked by police how the woman could have walked out of the guesthouse unnoticed while carrying the safe, a member of staff said “It must have been hidden inside that wardrobe she took with her.” Finally, City Hall has resumed the old ‘No Chairs Wednesday’ malarkey on Pattaya Beach now all the lockdown nonsense has ended. This follows the previous ‘No Tourists Monday To Sunday’ plan brought about by having stupid Covid rules that everywhere else on the planet had scrapped long ago. Except China of course. Ah well, every cloud…. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to more tales of the unexpected from the city of the even more unexpected. Fasten your seat belts and away we go. There’s been a story in the Thai press about officials meeting with taxi drivers to discuss the issue of “stealing customers.” Well we’ve had stories about gold necklaces being stolen but this takes it to another level. Wonder how much they get for them? Wouldn’t have thought there was much of a market for stolen customers. Mind you, there’s more than a few bars around who look like they could use them. A Dutch chap has been arrested after he was spotted illegally catching fish. When asked by local reporters what exactly was illegal about catching fish, a police spokesman replied “He was catching fish in boxes being thrown by his mate out of the upstairs window of a seafood restaurant at 5am.” New traffic laws were introduced in Thailand on September 5, one of which is a fine of up to 2000 baht for driving backwards. That makes reverse parking kind of expensive, and if you’ve got a driveway you may as well sell your car now. As these new traffic laws are implemented in Pattaya, preparations are being made to deal with persistent offenders… A tourist got more than he bargained for while riding in a baht bus on Soi Buakhao (other spellings are available.) Apparently, a pissed up Thai woman got on the bus and plonked herself on his lap. When he spurned her advances, she attacked him and bit off his ear. One wonders what she’d have bitten off if he hadn’t spurned her advances. A local public servant has been found drowned in a reservoir while he was fishing. Bet he wishes he’d used a fishing rod now. A huge explosion has destroyed several restaurants in Central Pattaya. We understand that the paramilitary wing of the Pattaya Food Critics Association has claimed responsibility. In the footsteps of Mini Siam, a new Pattaya tourist attraction has just opened – Mini Ukraine… Bar news time again, and an old favourite in the shape of Peppermint a Go Go has reopened on Walking Street. The downside is that for some reason they’ve decided to employ a Thai toilet jockey to “assist” the customers. Hoped we’d seen the back of those buggers. Anyway, if he offers you a wash and brush up, tell him you’ll just settle for the wash. Bamboo Bar has also finally reopened and has hit the ground running, picking up exactly where it left off with large numbers of punters eagerly pursuing the latest crop of menopausal old bats. Yes, the old normal is definitely making a spirited comeback. In a new twist to an old story, an Indian tourist reported to Pattaya police that two ladyboys had stolen his wallet containing cash and his bank card. He said he gave chase but was unable to catch them, even though it had been observed that they were both wearing high heels. It seems that the old gold chain theft story has gone out of fashion, unlike the stinking pig wasting police time story which obviously hasn’t. Times gone by revisited now with a couple of ripping yarns from Monkeywatch in September 2012… “There’s been a lot of debate about inflated barfines lately, with figures of 2500 baht and higher being quoted, and even larger sums being demanded for the ensuing horizontal shenanigans. Should a punter be stumping up this kind of cash? Well, why not? After all, it’s his money at the end of the day – but unfortunately, it’s hers by the next morning. Drama was the order of the day in East Pattaya last week after a suicidal Thai bloke climbed an electricity pylon and balanced himself precariously on the top. Police were called and quickly cleared the area round the base of the pylon in case the man decided to toss himself off.” A Pattaya hotel where Keith Moon once stayed has discovered and put on display the 15th page of his bill… A driver has been arrested after knocking a family of four off their motorbike while he was pissed as a rat. The man has refused to speak to police so his nationality is unknown, though one could probably take a stab at the nationality of the family of four on the motorbike. You’ll no doubt be thrilled to know that Tiffany’s Show Pattaya has finally reopened after a three year hiatus. The boss of the place has said that there won’t initially be as many shows as before because most of the current bookings are only from locals. Or to put it another way, most of the brown hatters previously going there were Chinese. And finally, a warning. A horde of yellow midgets following a stick was spotted on Walking Street the other night. Yes, they’re back. Be afraid, be very afraid. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for peeking in, and welcome to another month as Fun City creaks slowly back to life. On with the show. TAT has recently received a briefing from City Hall on how Pattaya is planning to encourage more Indian tourists to visit the city. Don’t know what was said, though if we’d been there our suggestions would have been for hotels to put eight more beds in each room and for the police to pretend to believe all the ludicrous fairy tales about stolen gold necklaces that we hear reported every other bloody day. Since Covid gave them delusions of relevance, the WHO have gone off on one again and starting squawking about a monkeypox global emergency. Well after a global grand total of five deaths why wouldn’t they? Fortunately, the Thai health authorities have decided to ignore this latest outburst of alarmist crap. Good for them. Talking about Covid, there’s a story going round on social media that it causes men’s penises to shrink. Scientists are taking this claim very seriously, as it could indicate that the virus has been circulating in Japan for several hundred years. Thais really need to learn the difference between laundry and lavatory… Now here’s a strange story. A middle aged Thai man apparently fell to his death from the balcony of his property while attempting to retrieve his kitchen knife. No further information was forthcoming as to the circumstances surrounding this event, so one is left wondering how a kitchen knife could end up in a place where someone could fall off a balcony trying to retrieve it. Must have been a bloody strange recipe. And now a cautionary tale for anyone thinking of buying an electric vehicle. A Thai chap had just arrived home on his electric scooter when the battery exploded between his legs and set fire to his house. The house was severely damaged and the hapless former scooter owner was last seen climbing his neighbour’s tree trying to retrieve his dick. As part of a promotional exercise, a hotel in Chang Mai is offering rooms for one baht per night, with a daily 300 baht food coupon thrown in for good measure. One of the first holidaymakers to take up the offer said “This a great offer. The rooms here are worth at least 10 baht of anybody’s money.” Highway officers who responded to a motor accident on the outskirts of Pattaya and had the wrecked vehicle moved to a Highway Patrol Station apparently didn’t notice that the driver (or what was left of him) was still inside the car, where he remained for the next 12 hours until he was spotted by an eagle-eyed policeman. A spokesman defending the department said that people should stop splitting hairs and it didn’t matter a stuff as the bloke was dead anyway. These bleeding heart liberals get everywhere. Police are trying to locate the thief who stole…er… well they don’t actually know what was here but it obviously isn’t here any more… Bar news continues to be good. In the Walking Street area, Beavers reopened at the beginning of the month and there’s some new Go Go’s appearing such as Cavalli. Secrets is also reopening shortly as Keys, and with a very similar business model it seems. What was the Simon 2 beer bar complex has apparently been acquired by the owner of Frog Bar and is being converted into a sort of nightclub/beer bar hybrid called Frogland (what else?) The old Oasis is soon to reopen as Bling, no doubt inspired by the Thais’ favourite crooner Bling Closby. And Phil (Mr Egg) Ross has acquired a new bar (the one next door to Le Pub) which should be up and running by October. Happy days. It’s been reported that Pattaya construction crews ignored a stop work order over the recent holiday weekend. Makes a change. We’re more used to Thais ignoring start work orders. Let’s do the time warp again with a look at a pair of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in August 2012… “Pattaya officials have decided it’s high time that they upgraded the city’s disaster alert system, so they’ve decided to buy a louder whistle. And to alert the rural areas, every poultry farmer will be offered a bigger cock. Yet another tree cutting exercise has been undertaken on Beach Road to make it a nicer place for tourists. The supervisor in charge of the project said he hoped that the pruning work would decrease prostitution. An original solution, for sure. Perhaps he should take it further and see if he can reduce the city’s drugs problem with a bit of judicious hedge trimming.” Archaeologists in Pattaya believe they may have unearthed Shane MacGowan’s old teeth… Pattaya police have finally arrested a gold necklace snatcher and it looks like this one’s genuine as the victim was a Thai woman and not a male Indian tourist. Speaking of which, a drunken Indian tourist was arrested at Marine Plaza after getting into the boxing ring and live streaming himself ranting and shouting abuse. Perhaps it’s time someone explained to TAT the difference between ‘quality tourist’ and ‘stinking pig.’ Finally, in another bit of monkeypox news, the Medical Council of Thailand has advised Thais not to have sex with foreigners as it might help spread the disease. They seem to be blissfully unaware that virtually all cases of monkeypox are found in players of the pink oboe (or in the case of Thais, the brown oboe.) Anyway, they’re the bloody foreigners, not us. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to freedom month. Yes, it’s all over. Or is it? Time will tell… The old “Indian who’s reported to police that he’s had his gold chain nicked by katoeys” count has now risen to eight in the last two months. The latest was a bit bolder than the others, upping the ante from 50,000 to 120,000 baht. Just how stupid do they think the insurance companies are? Silly buggers. The patience of the police with all this seems to be wearing a little thin as well, with stories of them throwing statements into the rubbish bin as soon as the alleged victims have left the building. Perhaps a few arrests for wasting police time would sort the problem out. Residents of Pattaya have been given a talk by a leading medical expert who assured them that monkeypox is not a serious threat and that they are at little risk as long as they refrain from buggery and bestiality, though he acknowledged that this was a big ask. Thailand is one of many countries where it’s been observed that young people are much more likely to get scammed online than their older counterparts. Some commentators think this is just because they spend more time online, but others say the most likely explanation is simply that they’re thick as pig shit. Any newbies looking in might like to try out this new public toilet on Beach Road… The Thai government is to expand its novel idea of making prisons into tourist attractions, so if you’d like to see how a Thai prison works, just stump up the entrance fee and rubberneck to your hearts content. Or if you don’t fancy paying for the privilege, just try taking some drugs through customs and they’ll be more than happy to let you in free of charge. An Islamic group visiting Thailand has praised the country for its positive attitude to multiculturalism following a conducted tour of various locations. You won’t be surprised to learn that the tour they were given steered well clear of Pattaya. The legalisation of casinos in Thailand is on the agenda again, apparently because the country is strapped for cash following the Covid lockdowns. Well if they’re so broke, why did they persist with restrictions when everybody else had long since scrapped them and moved on? Silly buggers. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, the penny still hasn’t dropped with CAAT, who say that the mask mandate is still in place for all flights to and from Thailand. Unbelievable. Pattaya has had no problem with illegal immigrants since they started sending them back home with this catapult… Bar news time, and at last there’s actually stuff to report. Escape a Go Go opened in Treetown at the beginning of the month. A strange place, which is a sort of Go Go or night club depending on what time you arrive. Seems to be attracting mixed reviews. With no sign of Bamboo Bar reopening, it seems that many of the ladies who used to patronise said establishment have migrated to Triangle Bar, so if you’re in the market for a menopausal old bat who’s good for 500 baht LT, this place could be right up your street. Other places continue to reopen, though the LK Metro area is looking much more like of old than is Walking Street, which is still plagued by ongoing repair work. A man has been found shot through the head and with a discharged firearm in his hand at a Pattaya gun range. Police are still attempting to ascertain whether or not he committed suicide. So what else do they think it is? That he was just a very bad shot? Some naughty bar girls are currently asking up to 5000 baht LT according to some punters. Perhaps these ladies should take the time to cast an eye over the current batch of ignorant stinking pigs in Pattaya, at which point they’ll no doubt come to the inescapable conclusion that they’ll be lucky to get 500. Silly buggers. Time to slam into reverse now with a look at a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in July 2012… “Yet another Pattaya hotel has ejected a bunch of Indian tourists after they found eight of them sleeping in one small room. Do you remember a few years ago when Pattaya hatched a master plan to change its image by encouraging a new breed of “quality tourists”? Going well, isn’t it? A Pattaya street cleaner found 800 yabba tablets last week while performing his regular municipal duties. When asked where he found the tablets, he replied “On the second moon of Jupiter”. A food vendor was attacked and robbed by two men the other evening while he was taking a piss up a wall. Let’s hope he prepares his food with the other hand.” With the impending arrival of a host of new quality tourists, it’s good to see that officials have made sure that things in the city are looking their best… TAT has come up with yet another wizard wheeze to justify its existence, and this time it’s Carbon Neutral Tourism. So what are they going to do then? Ban gassy beer and baked beans? The Royal Gazette has come up with a decree that monkeypox must be monitored in Thailand. As there’s only one reported case of the disease in the country, this task could prove to be very difficult…or very easy, depending on how you look at it. Pattaya police have been informed about an incident in a laundrette where a man showed off his genitalia to women. In Pattaya, this is known as a ‘man bites dog’ story. Finally, there are stories going round of a fake watch scam in Pattaya. Nothing new there. Bought a fake watch in Pattaya a while ago and it turned out to be real. Can’t trust anybody these days. be seeing you monkeyman

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to the latest new dawn for Fun City (oh shit, not another one.) A noodles restaurant in Pattaya has offered its customers a 3000 baht prize if they can eat a 4.5kg giant noodle bowl in 20 minutes. To date nobody has won the prize as most competitors don’t seem to be aware that they should be eating the bowl and not the noodles. Probably tastes better anyway. A Thai taxi driver has been arrested after he knocked seven bells of shite out of a Chinese tourist who thumped his car during an argument over the fare. Commentators have remarked that this could affect the image of Thai tourism, and it’s hard to argue with them. People would pay good money to watch something like that. Nervous visitors to Pattaya have been assured by the Disaster Prevention and Mitigation Department (where do they get all these snappy little names from?) that the city’s tsunami early warning system is still fully functional. And here it is…..oh, it looks like he’s gone for his lunch… A French Muay Thai kickboxer was more than a little miffed when he found out that his new tattoo, which was supposed to read “Thai Boxing”, actually read “Thai Dick”. Well even tattooists are entitled to their opinion. Pattaya’s mayor has given a right royal bollocking to the Provincial Electricity Company after they announced that the completion of the Walking Street repairs would be delayed from August to September. Good for the mayor. The lazy buggers were supposed to have finished the job last December. Indian tourists have apparently been getting upset about being told that bars they try to enter are members only, so bar owners have been trying to come up with some more subtle ways of keeping them out. One bar owner claimed a success when he told a group of swarthy individuals that they couldn’t enter his premises unless they had a pair of underpants on their head and a pencil up each nostril. They were forced to leave as they didn’t have any pencils….. or underpants. Actually, while we’re on the subject, why do Indian men think it’s cool to look like Groucho Marx?.. Bar news now, and of course it’s all started happening since the great reopening of June 1. Old favourites are re-emerging as well as some new ones, particularly in the Soi Buakhao and Soi Boomerang areas. Tree Town in particular seems to be experiencing a meteoric rise in popularity and is reckoned by some to be the new centre of Pattaya nightlife. There’s even some new activity on Soi 7, and who would have predicted that? Walking Street is still more like Walking Dead Street at the moment, but may yet come back to life when it starts to look more like an entertainment zone and less like a building site, hopefully by August. So maybe all is not lost after all, especially with the removal of all remaining Covid restrictions due on July 1. Wonder what they’ll hit us with next? Electricity contractors have been at work in East Pattaya sorting out the untidy overhead wires in the area. City Hall has been less than impressed with the workmanship as they were apparently not expecting the wires to be just ripped down and thrown into a ditch. Funny, that’s exactly what we would’ve expected. Memories of the old normal now with a look over the shoulder at a quartet of snippets from Monkeywatch in June 2012… “There seems to be an increasing trend recently for Pattaya hotels to charge joiner fees for residents who have more than one guest in their room. Could be a ploy to squeeze extra money out of mongers, but it’s more likely an attempt to keep the number of Indian occupants per room down to single figures. A Thai bloke has been locked up after being accused of burgling a house and sexually assaulting the owners’ five-year-old dog. What a sicko. He should stick to dogs over 18 like any normal pervert. A Frenchman from East Pattaya who had a row with his Thai wife is recovering in hospital after attempting suicide by swallowing weed killer. He’d have done better taking a trip down to Beach Road and drinking the seawater. The Chinese ambassador has suggested that Pattaya should erect signs in Chinese to prevent visitors from his country being tricked, cheated and robbed. A Pattaya official observed that if Chinese tourists couldn’t be ripped off there really wasn’t any point in having them in the city in the first place.” Pattaya’s annual Subbuteo table football tournament has had to be cancelled after somebody ran off with all the players… Pattaya motorists have been complaining about the number of collapsed drain covers in the city. One complainant was extremely angry after he smashed a wheel on his car while trying to drive round (or was it over?) a group of Indian tourists walking four abreast in the middle of the road. Economic conditions in Thailand have resulted in a drop in demand for real estate. Guess all the Thais must be buying counterfeit estate instead. It should go nicely with their watches. Finally, it’s been reported that a dead foreigner has been found floating near to Pattaya beach. Well people found floating next to beaches are hardly likely to be alive, are they? be seeing you monkeyman

Something a little different from Pattaya...

Yes, I should've said "Still officially midnight closing for now."

It's amazing that all the thefts were gold necklaces and all were allegedly worth 50,000 baht. An uncharitable mind might be tempted to think that someone's been churning out copies of a completed insurance claim form.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the dawn of a bright new tomorrow (or some shit like that.) Yes, it’s finally happened! After more than two years, bars and clubs will be able to reopen on June 1 without having to pretend to be restaurants (didn’t pretend very well, did they?) Still quite a few strings attached at the moment, but one step at time eh? There’ll be dancing, singing, and before you know it you’ll be able to sit next to a girl (and if you wear a mask, you might even be able to talk to her.) Oh, the sweet taste of freedom! Thai men have been getting all hot under the collar following a claim by a British online pharmacy that they have the seventh smallest penises in the world. Must be tough on them dropping out of the top five for the first time – and finishing six places behind the Japanese. TAT is having yet another go at attracting “quality tourists” to Thailand, this time using something called “soft power”, defined as “shaping the preferences of others through appeal and attraction.” Their particular take on this involves promoting irresistible favourites such as mango sticky rice and Thai television programmes. Quality tourists will no doubt flock to Thailand in their millions in the face of that level of temptation. Police are trying to trace the owner of this novelty sex toy that washed up on Pattaya Beach recently. A police spokesman said “It shouldn’t be difficult. We haven’t seen one this size since Marilyn a Go Go shut down”… A local fishing contest was held recently in which it was stressed that quantity was more important than size. They must have got the idea from Chinese tour companies. With elections in Pattaya looming large, mayoral candidates have been trawling the streets for potential voters and have been holding meetings with groups of joggers and drinkers. No prizes for guessing which were better attended. It looks like the 300 baht so-called tourist tax has been kicked into the long grass for the time being. It was believed that some of the tax would be used for tourist insurance, though it now transpires that you’ll only be able to claim if you’re run over, beaten up, blown to buggery by a terrorist bomb or pushed from the balcony of a high rise building. Come to think of it, they might well end up being inundated with claims. Of course, there have been loads of complaints about this exorbitant tax, with certain quality ethnic groups claiming it will wipe out their spending money for the entire trip. Chinese visitors are respectfully reminded that this building is not a public toilet… Bar news now, and not a great deal more to add to what’s already been said. Still midnight closing for now, but there may be further changes at the beginning of July and also August, which might see things return to something like pre-Covid status. Except it won’t, because new arrivals will now be screened for monkeypox. Rinse and repeat. The Pattaya Baht Bus cooperative held a meeting recently at which it warned its drivers against rudeness and swindling passengers. Has this organisation no respect for tradition? Rewind time now as we look back at the goings-on of 10 years ago with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in May 2012… “A strange tale emerged a few weeks ago of a Thai man who committed suicide after becoming depressed because his previous suicide attempt had failed. Lucky the second attempt was successful or he’d have been really pissed off. A Thai lad shot three people, including a farang, on Soi 8 during Songkran after somebody upset him a bit. This’ll take some explaining away by the Tourist Authority. Family friendly resort my big spotty arse. Local residents have been complaining about a large hole that has appeared in South Pattaya Road and is apparently still increasing in size and depth. They say it’s about time that officials got to the bottom of it, at which point the locals will presumably fill it in themselves.” Not sure the world’s ready for a motorized sandbag… In the last three weeks no less than five Indian tourists, all residing in 200 baht per night flop houses, have claimed to have been robbed of unfeasibly expensive pieces of jewellery by Beach Road hookers. Yes, things really do seem to be returning to normal. A bar girl suffered a head injury after falling off the back of a speeding motorbike while pissed as a rat. She was rushed to hospital where she underwent tests and a doctor in attendance said she now had the IQ of a parsnip. Well at least there wasn’t any brain damage then. Thailand is to introduce a new health and safety law in September saying that all children aged six years or younger can only travel in cars that are fitted with an officially approved child car seat. They’ll still be able to sit on the handlebars of a motorbike though. Finally, it’s been reported that tides of trash have returned to Pattaya beaches. Funny, thought they were all back in lockdown. be seeing you monkeypox

Best Pattaya music video ever...

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to more tales of gloom and doom from Covid City (and maybe the odd April fool.) TAT has launched a new initiative to attract Indian tourists and expects at least 13,000 of them to arrive this month. The hotel industry has been told to be prepared as they may need to provide up to 500 rooms to accommodate them. Thailand has been given approval to send trainloads of fruits to China. Guess the little yellow buggers must be missing their visits to Alcazar and Tiffany’s. A Thai bloke has become the first in the country to become infected with this month’s Covid variant, known as XJ (bet Jaguar will have something to say about that.) Fortunately, the chappie has already made a full recovery despite receiving two doses of the Chinese Sinopharm vaccine. Do you think we should stand for this?... Apparently the French ambassador to Thailand recently gave 3.2 million doses of Covid vaccine to the Thai Prime Minister during a courtesy visit. And yet they’re still telling the rest of us that we only need to have three or four doses. Greasy little weasels. One of the pleasures of watching YouTube is the videos featuring voice operated subtitles. People checking on Thailand’s Covid rules recently may have been alarmed to learn that they are required to take 80k tests before they’re allowed into the country. Even for Covid crazy Thailand, that sounds a bit over the top. Police arrested a man in a national park after he was seen using a plastic fork as single-use plastic items are banned from all national parks in Thailand. The man refused to pay the 100,000 baht fine, saying he’d used the fork once before and so it wasn’t single-use. The police accepted that he’d used it twice and so fined him 200,000 baht instead, reminding him that nobody likes a smartarse. Good to see that the Bamboo Bar is still around… Bar news time, and the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished yet again as the dreaded disease will not after all be downgraded to endemic at the beginning of July by the CCSA (the Covid Mafia), which means that some kind of return to normality on the bar scene is no closer. Here’s hoping they change their minds (fat chance.) The only upside, if you can call it that, is that from May 1 alcohol sales will be permitted until midnight in restaurants - so that would be just about anywhere then. It’s been pointed out that Walking Street did show some signs of life during Songkran, but it was a case of “It’s life Jim, but not as we know it.” Phuket reckons to have had a 30 per cent increase in tourists during this period, which probably equates to about 50 or so extra visitors if they’re lucky. Slip back through our time portal now and experience the goings-on of 10 years ago with a trio of tittle-tattle from Monkeywatch in April 2012… “A man is being sought by police after attempting to take an up-skirt photo of a girl in a convenience store in Central Pattaya last Thursday. Perhaps he was just looking up old friends? A strange ceremony took place last week when a man held a full Buddhist funeral for his dead cow. Four monks conducted the service and then acted as bearers (or should that be steakholders?) Three Thai men were arrested by Banglamung police last Thursday after they stole a gold necklace from a girl in Soi Kao Ta Low. Christ on a bike, how many Thais does it take to steal one bloody necklace?” Not sure that sign will be enough to lure the punters in… An arrest warrant has been issued for former Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra for misappropriation of government funds. She is of course the sister of Thaksin Shinawatra, another former PM and founder of the Tie Rack tie company. They also had another brother, Frank Shinawatra, who was known as Ol’ Red Eyes due to his proclivity for falling out of bars pissed as a rat. Not a lot of people know that. The Cambodian tour industry has proudly proclaimed that they plan to make their country “the new Thailand.” However, one of their travel agencies went on to say “But Cambodia will never allow the tourist industry to be based on the former Thai model of go-go clubs, seedy bars with rooms by the hour and rude transvestite cabarets.” Well maybe they will be the new Thailand. They sure as shit won’t be the old one. Finally, let’s spare a thought for the pensioners of the Pattaya Bridge Club who are still on death row six years after being convicted of owning too many playing cards in contravention of a law apparently introduced by Japanese occupation forces during World War II. Funny old game, innit? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to one and all, and welcome to what can only be described as more of the same. Will we ever return to real life? TAT has set a target of 10 million foreign tourists for 2022, and will be particularly concentrating on attracting Indians. Bet the girls in the bars were doing cartwheels when they heard that bit of news. TAT by name, tat by nature. It’s been estimated that the war between Russia and Ukraine will cost the Thai economy in the region of 244 billion baht. Shit, those Ruskies must have been coughing up some serious barfines. Thais are being encouraged to exercise by a local cycling club who staged their 15 kilometre “Cycling for Good Health” event a couple of weeks ago. Just as well they did it now. If they’d done it after the Pattaya traffic levels return to normal they’d probably have all asphyxiated by the time they got to the end of the street. Probably would’ve had to rename the event as well. Remember, Pattaya always encourages responsible drinking… A Thai bloke’s car turned into a fireball after he lost control of it on a bend and slammed into a guard rail just outside Pattaya. A police officer at the scene said “The man was obviously driving like a complete moron. We were going to give him a roasting but he beat us to it.” TAT predicts that new sanctions will result in the number of Russian tourists visiting Thailand dropping from the current 700 a day. When asked how much it was likely to drop, a TAT spokesman replied “About 700 a day.” So what about the Chinese tourists then? Well, Pattaya is preparing itself for their return, seemingly oblivious to the fact that the current Chinese Covid strategy will probably see them locked down for the rest of the century. So it looks like it’s gonna have to be Westerners or stinking pigs, though Thailand’s current Covid strategy will probably mean that they won’t get either. Oh well, roll on 2023. Well it’s one way of keeping people away from your boat… Bar news now, and we’ll start with the good news that Pattaya Beer Garden reopened last Friday, as did Sapphire a Go Go. There have been some rumblings that legal bar re-openings may be on the horizon, but probably not before July and with heavy restrictions that’ll make the whole undertaking a complete waste of time. It’s expected that there’ll be compulsory triple vaccinations and antigen tests for customers, no hostesses, no staff sitting with customers, no parties, no shows and no dancing. The only upside is that there won’t be any toilet attendants, though one doubts if that’ll be enough to coax people to travel halfway round the world. A Thai actress has been killed after falling off a speedboat while she was taking a piss over the stern. Dunno why she was doing that. Probably rehearsing a scene for her new film. Time for a spot of nostalgia now with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch in March 2012… “A Norwegian fellow went to the police after his Thai girlfriend broke into his room safe and helped herself to 25,000 baht, his laptop and his credit cards while he was asleep. The man was said to be shocked at the theft as the couple had been in a committed relationship for nearly two days. An Israeli man who was chased and caught by police after running off with a pair of Nike trainers from Big C is now threatening to sue the store for selling counterfeit goods, as he reckoned that if the shoes had been genuine the police wouldn’t have been able to catch him. A new water treatment plant is to be built which it is claimed will supply Pattaya with enough water for the next 20 years – as longer as people don’t anything wasteful with it like showering or drinking.” Always stay in the shade by buying yourself a tree on wheels, available from all moderately disreputable beach vendors… The government has announced that Thai eggs will be more expensive as a result of the Russian invasion. Dunno what the link is there. Perhaps they’ve been exporting them to Ukraine so the soldiers can throw them when they run out of bullets. Always said the Russians would leave Ukraine with egg on their faces. Board game enthusiasts might be interested to learn that Thailand has launched a new version of Monopoly, namely “Monopoly:Phuket Edition.” No, this isn’t an early April fool, this is the real thing. You don’t even have to go to Phuket to buy it as it’s available for purchase online. Let’s hope it’s followed by a Pattaya Edition. Could make for an interesting board and even more interesting Chance and Community Chest cards. Playing it would probably be an arrestable offence though. Finally, for those worried about the possibility of nuclear war, Thai experts have confirmed that if you wear a face mask you’ll get exactly the same amount of protection from a nuclear attack as you would get against catching Covid. Feel better now? be seeing you monkeyman

Great news Pete. Hope the Beer Garden gets all the support it deserves.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for visiting us once again, and welcome to this month’s look at what’s going on in Not-Much-Fun City as the Land of Masks slowly edges towards reopening. Well, more and more bars and go go’s are opening up by calling themselves restaurants, though in many cases all you’ll get is a handful of nuts. So now you know how the girls feel. Pigs were sent flying after an agricultural truck was in collision with a car just outside Pattaya. A passer-by was most disappointed to learn that the sight of the airborne pigs didn’t mean that Thailand had introduced some sensible Covid restrictions. The oil slick off the coast of Rayong won’t affect tourism according to the minister in charge. It was noted that he’d skilfully avoided mentioning that the reason for this was that there weren’t actually any tourists. Locals were also assured that seafood caught in the area didn’t contain any more arsenic, lead, cadmium and mercury than normal in Pattaya following the spill. Prospective diners will no doubt be curious as to what “normal” actually means. Sounds about as appetising as the two South Pattaya restaurants that were busted a few years back for hiring eight illegal Burmese immigrants. It was rumoured that two of them had been hired as waiters and the other six as ingredients. This year’s Cobra Gold exercises have begun, though they’ve been scaled down a little from previous years. This is the formation flying exercise… South Pattaya’s speed bumps have been repainted by City workers “to enhance pedestrian safety” following several incidents where motorists didn’t slow down because they didn’t see them. So now they won’t slow down because they did see them. Seems like City Hall need to do a refresher course on the mentality of the Thai motorist. You may know that Bangkok is being renamed Krung Thep Maha Nakon for some reason or other. Whether this catchy little name will be embraced by foreigners remains to be seen. Perhaps whoever came up with his idea should be renamed as well (we’ve come up with one or two suggestions.) What we can’t understand is why they’ve chosen to use the shortened version of the new name instead of the full name. For those who don’t know, the full name is Krungthepmahanakhon Amonrattanakosin Mahintharayutthaya Mahadilokphop Noppharatratchathaniburirom Udomratchaniwetmahasathan Amonphimanawatansathit Sakkathattiyawitsanukamprasit. The airport announcers would love it. Police raided a Pattaya tourist attraction after receiving reports that crocodiles were being raised there without a permit. The project was apparently aimed at Chinese tour groups. Fair enough – even crocodiles have to eat. In an effort to make Pattaya seem more like normal, officials have attempted to simulate a crowd of Chinese tourists on Beach Road… Bar news now, and as usual there’s bugger all worth reporting. Meanwhile, the outbreak of “restaurants” is continuing to gather pace while we wait for an end to the madness. A Pattaya councilman has suggested that Beach Road prostitutes should be zoned to protect the public from exposure to such goings-on. Others have suggested that a more useful idea would be to zone councilmen to protect the public from bloody daft ideas. Slide back a decade now as we revisit a couple of snippets from Monkeywatch in February 2012… “A man from Rayong was arrested last week and charged with being a police impersonator and sex abuser, though it is unclear at present whether this is one charge or two. A German who went to retrieve the boat he had left on Pattaya Beach got a bit of a shock when he returned to the spot and found that his status as a boat owner had been revised to that of a former boat owner. The craft was eventually recovered, but he was advised to find a safer place to leave it in future. He’d left it opposite the Police Station.” Low tourist numbers have led to McDonald’s downsizing yet another of its restaurants… It seems that Boyztown is making a determined effort to rid itself of its recent image as a ghost town. Not sure that “ghost town” is the first thought to enter most people’s minds when the place is mentioned. Still, it’ll probably please the MGBGTs, or whatever it is they call themselves. Police searched a temple after it was revealed that the abbot and three officials from the National Office of Buddhism were suspected of having it away with 100 million baht of the organisation’s funds. The abbot is now in police custody but the three officials couldn’t be located as they’re believed to be hiding in the United States. A representative refused to elaborate and denied reports that the temple has started mentoring courses for members of the Russian Mafia. Finally, a Pattaya shopkeeper was hurt yesterday when she got her hands caught in the security door of her shop. Customers at her Everything 20 Baht shop took the opportunity to relieve her of her entire stock at a 20 baht discount and several of them shagged her on the way out before she could get her hands free. And the Ukrainians think they’ve got problems. be seeing you monkeyman

Another thumbs up for Nam's.