monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to the summer hols, and welcome to more envelope-pushing lunacy from the city that never sleeps – it just gets pissed and passes out. A website survey has voted Thailand as the most Chinese tourist friendly country in the world. The website stressed the importance of the Chinese to the Thai tourist industry and how important it was to take good care of them. Two Thai tour guides have been arrested in Pattaya for threatening and beating a group of budget Chinese tourists who refused to pay for expensive add-ons to their Cheap Charlie package holidays. The tour guides, who referred to the hapless tourists as “cheapskate yellow donkey droppings”, were charged with assault and working illegally. A Chinese tourist was robbed of a 150,000 baht platinum necklace by ladyboys on Soi 2 the other Wednesday, just days after another Chinese tourist was knocked to the ground and robbed of 30,000 baht and an iPhone as she walked along Pattaya North Road. The hat trick was completed the following day when a Chinese tourist was knocked unconscious and robbed of 18,000 baht and a smartphone in South Pattaya. Police warned Chinese tourists that they should avoid going out in public in groups of less than 20 if they don’t want to get robbed and have their heads kicked in by local muggers. Guess ‘tourist friendly’ must mean something different in Chinese. Walking Street may soon be known as The Darkside 2 with the authorities telling business owners to remove neon signs by the end of the month as they’re supposedly bad for the city’s image. Perhaps the authorities should set an example by demolishing that ghastly monstrosity they erected at the entrance. So this is good for the city’s image?.. Police were called to North Pattaya the other night after a Korean chap was given a good kicking in the Big C area (bet that hurt) by a gang of Thais. The motive for the assault is unclear, though it’s been suggested that it may have something to do with the Thais’ dislike of Koreans with stupid haircuts. Four Thais who were previously members of the Pattaya Police Volunteers have been jailed after being found guilty of killing a former colleague by chopping his head off with a spade. Police later released an African tourist they’d arrested as an accomplice following a misunderstanding relating to the murder weapon. A man was electrocuted the other night by a dangling electric cable while he was walking past the house of the district chief. The man was burned to a crisp and all the lights in the area were fused. The chief, who emerged from his house to see why his George Foreman electric pig roast had stopped working, said he took a dim view of the whole debacle (presumably because of the fused lights) and ordered the man’s remains to be scraped off the sidewalk and disposed of in “an appropriate manner”. What, never?.. Bar news now, and there’s a new Go Go opened in Soi Stinkingpigland 2 that goes by the name of WakaWaka, though some have suggested a more appropriate name might be WogaWoga (isn’t that somewhere in Australia?) Tantra A Go Go has now opened on Walking Street and Soi Diamond has been busy with the opening of Addiction Club, to be followed by Yes A Go Go in place of the old Superbaby. We also have re-openings for Ginza, Mandarin and Air Port. Ain’t life grand? Pattaya traffic police have announced that for a 60 day period, minor traffic offences will not be met with a fine but with a mandatory education course to make drivers more aware of traffic laws. So instead of a 400 baht fine you’ll get a training course – enrolment fee 1000 baht. Isn’t education wonderful? A dead Malaysian tourist was found on the beach in Central Pattaya last week. He is thought to have drowned after entering the water, though suicide has been ruled out as it would’ve been quicker to drink it. More blasts from the past now with a trio of short snippets from Monkeywatch of August 2007… “We begin with the unusual story of the Welshman who died at Llandough Hospital in Wales just weeks after being stung by a scorpion in a Thai jungle. The moral of this story is that you’re safer in a Thai jungle than a British hospital. And none of the newspapers reported the scorpion’s side of the story either. Typical media bias. A chef was arrested at Bali Hai Port the other week for allegedly taking photographs up the skirts of female passers-by. The arresting officer was apparently unimpressed with his excuse that he was just looking up some old acquaintances. Yet more rampant criminality was evident on Walking Street a few days ago when the Prince Tailor Shop was broken into and goods reckoned to be worth 100,000 baht were stolen. Makes you wonder what the thieves are going to do with 10,000 suits.” Looks like they’re not expecting much of an audience… Hilton Pattaya is reported to have spontaneously donated 30 fire extinguishers to Pattaya Police Station for some reason. Interestingly, the same hotel was awarded the title of “Thailand’s Leading Lifestyle Hotel 2017” just a few days earlier, but the two events are surely unrelated - aren’t they? There’s a rumour going round that a shitload of guest houses will be opening on Soi 6 in the not too distant future. Could this be a sign that Pattaya is getting more family friendly? Nope, it’s a sign that Soi 6 bar owners have been told they must register as guest houses if they want to let punters use their upstairs rooms. So there you go - same shit, new name. The Thai media has started a campaign to clean up Pattaya, referring to the place’s shame and filth. This time, however, they’re just talking about the state of the beach, variously comparing it to a building site, a rubbish dump and a cess pool. So there you go – same shit, same name. Finally, beach vendors have complained to City Hall that beggars are harassing tourists and generally making a nuisance of themselves. Pots and kettles? be seeing you monkeyman

There are three designated stopping zones outside A-One Royal Cruise Hotel, Hard Rock Hotel and Royal Garden Plaza.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to more unlikely tales from the city of MICE, rice and vice (but not necessarily in that order.) Well, the devastating news this month is that there aren’t going to be any more Go Go Bars in Pattaya. Fortunately, there probably aren’t going to be any less either as the announcement was made that there weren’t going to be any new Go Go licences granted in the foreseeable future. Now, given that in Pattaya ‘the foreseeable future’ is usually less than a week, the impact of this should be fairly minimal. However, if it goes on for any length of time, that’s Midnight Pattaya well and truly fucked (though there’s a whisper going round that it already is.) A quality tourist from Iran, 35 year old Muzrat Ali, got a bit more than he bargained for a couple of weeks ago when he groped the lady he’d just picked up for 1000 baht. It seems that the ‘lady’ was a little over-equipped in the nether regions and responded to his anger by threatening him with a beer bottle then nicking 5000 baht and ripping his shirt off before speeding off on her motorbike. A real lady who witnessed the event took pity on him and guided him to the police who told him he was a stinking pig and that he had more chance of knitting fog than getting his money back. When in Pattaya, sometimes getting more than you paid for isn’t such a good deal after all. Police were called a couple of weeks back after a South Korean bloke was found dead in North Pattaya after a 37 floor plunge from the from the condo block where he was living. Suicide was reckoned to be unlikely as the chappie was said to be a successful businessman and something of a high flyer, though the manner of his demise would suggest that the latter description of him was somewhat less than accurate. Is this one of those Pattaya gold diggers we’re always hearing about?.. Tour buses that used to pick up and drop off small yellow people at Bali Hai Pier have now been told to do it on Beach Road, presumably because of the lack of traffic congestion there. Officials from City Hall, the police and the military said it all seems to be going well, though it was notable that they were all reading their bank statements at the time. City Hall has approved an allocation of 1.4 million baht for the building of 30 new baht bus stop shelters in an effort to improve the tourist transportation experience. So in future, instead of standing out in the pissing rain being ignored by baht buses, you’ll be able to stand in a nice dry shelter and be ignored by baht buses. Don’t think we can cope with all this progress. And if that wasn’t enough, the latest idea from City Hall to solve the local transportation problem is – wait for it – a Pattaya tram system. Wonder if they’ve considered the possible consequences of running vehicles during the rainy season that rely purely on external electrical power? Well obviously they must have done or the idea would be just plain silly, wouldn’t it? Funny, could’ve sworn this was Pattaya… Bar news is with us now, and the Gold A Go Go open/closed saga is finally at an end – it’s closed. However, there are several new Go Go’s mooted to be in the offing, including three in Soi Diamond and one on Walking Street. Bypass A Go Go has reopened and G-Spot is now Annabelle’s. One assumes from all this that the “no new licences” malarkey doesn’t apply to existing Go Go’s that have closed and reopened under new management. It’s been reported that illegal wood traders are being hunted by local police for, well, illegal wood trading. So if you didn’t know that wood is illegal in Pattaya, you do now. Let that be a warning unto ye. Time to tell it like it was, with a look back at a couple of items from Monkeywatch in July 2007… “The big drama of the last few weeks took place in the Boyztown area when one of the more prominent gay bars caught fire, attracting rubbernecking sightseers in the sort of numbers usually only seen outside Galaxy Cabaret. There were no serious casualties, though their chef complained that the fire had burned him on the arse and ruined his mince. In a bid to help us all sleep soundly in our beds, the Thai government has announced that liquids over 100ml will no longer be allowed onto departing aircraft, so it sounds like the passengers will have to start drinking their own piss on the flights home. Well, at least it’ll get the taste of the Chang out of their mouths.” Suddenly everyone wants to be a comedian… The new Chonburi immigration boss, who caused some consternation after he put out a statement saying he would be conducting a “deep investigation” of expats, has issued a further missive assuring them that this will not involve either bending over or torches. Pattaya villagers have been complaining to City Hall that they don’t have any water. Perhaps someone should tell them to take a trip to Central Pattaya Tunnel – they’ve got shitloads of it in there. Finally, a bit of good news for the hotel owners who were worried about the preponderance of stinking pigs in Pattaya – word is they’ve all started fucking off to Cambodia. Don’t slam the door on the way out, chaps. be seeing you monkeyman

Yes, it was a very bad comparison as to my knowledge no clowns have ever been involved in a raid on a soapy massage parlour, though if they had they'd have probably made a better job of it.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to some more squeaky tales from Mice City. Hotel operators in Pattaya say they’re worried about the damage being done to the city’s image by the increasing number of unregistered hotels offering cut-price accommodation to “low-quality tourists” while the upmarket sector seems to be favouring alternative destinations such as Phuket and Koh Samui. So they want quality, not quantity. So that must mean they want to get rid of the stinking pigs. However, the Tourist Authority of Thailand are saying that tourist arrivals have dropped by nearly 20 percent in the last four years but are hoping for a recovery this year fuelled by an increase in tourists from India, as well as Russia and China. So they want quantity, not quality. So that must mean they want to bring in even more stinking pigs. Anybody else out there got an opinion so we can make it the best of three? Speaking of TAT, they’re putting on an event at Bali Hai Pier on June 16-17 to promote “green tourism”. Must be the only colour they haven’t tried yet. “Beware Electric Cable Over Ground” would probably be better advice… It’s been decided that Pattaya is to have a 3 billion baht upgrade to its electricity infrastructure in an effort to bring it to somewhere approaching the 21st century. This will involve building a new substation and relocating some 40 miles of overhead cables under the ground. Contractors had already begun work on cutting down the cables and burying them underground when it was pointed out that they should really be reconnecting them before they buried them. When this minor oversight was pointed out to the project manager, all he could say was “Oh bugger it, we’ll blame it on squirrels.” This explanation will no doubt also come in handy when the new substation explodes. Bali Hai Marina is back in the news as a fresh investigation is launched into the circumstances surrounding its demise. The marina took 5 years to build and cost 735 million baht but it never opened and the project failed. A survey committee was set up at a cost of several million baht to establish why the project had failed but the survey failed as well and was never completed. So now another survey is being commissioned at a cost of 5 million baht to find out why the first survey failed. Sounds like jobs for the boys… and their families, friends, acquaintances and anybody else they can think of. Following that last lot of floods, City Hall has announced that it is to introduce 24 hour monitoring of all areas prone to flooding. When asked what they were actually going to do about the problem, a spokesman said “What do you mean, do about it?” When pressed further, he added “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it”, presumably having realised that a bridge was probably the only thing that stood a chance of not being submerged by the next deluge. This is the Thais’ idea of a board meeting… A bit more in the way of bar news this month, though not much of it good. That old favourite Living Dolls One seems to have bitten the dust, and Kiss A Go Go seems to have kissed off unless they’re having a very long power cut. Ginza A Go Go closed then reopened then closed again. Upstairs A Go Go has also gone. Gold Club on LK Metro has reopened, though previous form would suggest it won’t last for long. Final testing is taking place on Pattaya’s Central Road tunnel prior to its grand opening on… whenever. A spokesman said “We’ve thrown several scatter cushions at it and it has so far remained completely undamaged, so things are looking good.” When asked about the obvious problem of flooding, he said that the entrances have been raised up so water can’t possibly get in, but was unable to explain the presence of several water pumps that have been spotted inside the tunnel. More blasts from the past now with a couple of stories from Monkeywatch in June 2007… Well, the boys in brown have been embarking in another public relations exercise with a series of raids on bars in South Pattaya. Assistant district chief ‘Pongo’ Pitajinan claimed that the action was as a result of them getting complaints from tourists that many bars were operating without licences and employing underage staff. It’s gratifying to know that the police recognise the huge importance that the average tourist places on things like this, though they haven’t yet managed to produce any of these complaints or explain how the tourists managed to come by the knowledge in the first place. The offending bars will now be closed for 30 years and their owners are to be burned at the stake. Residents of Khao Mai Kaew have been complaining to Pattaya City Council for several months about the discomfort they have to suffer because of the stench emanating from a garbage disposal site near to their village. After much deliberation, the Council has finally agreed to take urgent action to resolve the residents’ problem and have scheduled their village for demolition next week. We’d prefer the taste of food really… If you think the Pattaya Police are a bunch of clowns, get a load of this story from Huay Khwang, where the local boys in brown decided to raid a soapy massage parlour. In planning the raid, it seems that they overlooked a couple of small but nonetheless significant details. Firstly, the establishment in question had actually already closed some 12 months previously. Secondly, the place had closed down following a police raid that they themselves had carried out and which had resulted in several of their own senior officers being disciplined and transferred. You couldn’t make it up (and we didn’t.) Regional police have charged a Thai chap with drug dealing after he was searched and found to have 250,000 yabba tablets concealed in his anus. He admitted the offence but said that on his release he’d turn over a new leaf and do what most people with such outrageously expansive buttocks do – get a job in a Go Go Bar. Finally, a Chinese tour group who were expecting a meal and a swim in North Pattaya were somewhat surprised when the coach veered off the road and plunged into the ocean. When arrested by police on a charge of obtaining money by deception, the tour guide said “They got their swim, didn’t they?” and when asked about the advertised meal added “Well I thought the sharks would eat them.” His spirit of self-motivation and free enterprise was recognised by the court who then sent him to prison for the rest of his life. be seeing you monkeyman

Well that's the Indians fucked then.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to another walk through the world of weird. Walk this way. Pattaya Police have got themselves a new recruit in the form of a drone that will be used to keep an eye on the goings-on in Walking Street. It’ll be interesting to see how long this latest fad lasts before it hits some power cables or tourists and then gets chucked into the same skip as the broken CCTV system, the electronic tourist information boards that were scrapped without ever being used and every other piece of failed technological junk that’s been deployed over the years to make Pattaya a safer place for Johnny Tourist. Or should that be Mohammed Tourist now? An allegedly British quality tourist was caught and hogtied by locals after they caught him running half naked across the rooves of their houses and shouting gibberish after a night on the piss in Walking Street. Can’t imagine what made them think he was a Brit. Anyway, the police came up with this marvellous theory that may have got lost trying to find his hotel. Well, you know how it is. You have a few drinks, try to find your way home and end up half naked on the roof of somebody’s house shouting your mouth off. Happens all the time. Somebody actually tried to defend him by pointing out that it wasn’t unusual to see Brits on the street stripped to the waist. The police agreed, but added that they normally do it from the waist up. A Pattaya fruit vendor turned up at the police station last week to report that she’d been the victim of an internet swindle after receiving a Facebook message from a complete stranger telling her she’d won a million baht. All she had to do was send him 3000 baht and her bank details and the money was hers. She duly sent off the money (as you do) but was disappointed to find that there was a shortfall in the amount she received – a one million baht shortfall to be exact. Reports of her story appear to have made her a lot of new friends on Facebook, though strangely they all seem to come from Nigeria. There was yet another electric type problem last week after a car demolished two power poles and disrupted electricity supplies, cable TV and phone services. Let’s see ‘em try to blame this one on a fuckin’ squirrel (or maybe the new drone.) In an attempt to raise the quality of visitors to Pattaya, the local tourist board have started a cull of backpackers… Onlookers were more than a little surprised when a drunk was washed up on their local beach after falling in the water about a mile away and being carried down the coast by a strong current. He then got up, staggered off to the nearest bar and went back on the piss. Just another day in Fun City. The army are complaining that they haven’t got enough manpower in Pattaya to enforce the new baht bus routes as most of the drivers are ignoring the new regulations and going wherever the hell they want. They reckon they have two alternatives to solve the problem – shoot the offending drivers, or approach the UN to set up an international military presence with a brief to enforce the rule of law as enshrined in the code of international justice. There is, of course, a third and more practical alternative – give up. Pattaya’s hotel industry has been criticized by tourism officials for not making enough effort to obtain MICE business. Funny that – most of the hotels we’ve seen in Pattaya have had mice business in just about every bloody room. Following yet another reduction in the maximum space allowed for deckchair operators, they’re having a bit of difficulty fitting everything in … It’s that bar news moment again, but there’s jack shit been going on. Overmind has closed again, but that’s hardly news as it happens about once a week. It’s looking a bit more permanent this time though. Wet Six Club has opened on Soi 6. We heard their very first customer turned up thinking it was called Wet Sex Club. He only stayed for one drink then pissed off because he wasn’t pissed on. After years of blood, sweat and gridlock, Pattaya’s legendary Central Road tunnel is finally about to open itself to the great unwashed. The local Highways Department admitted that when the tunnel opens the road surface will be incomplete, the signs won’t be in place, the barriers won’t be painted, the landscaping will be unfinished and the lights won’t be fully functional, but dismissed discussion of all this as “splitting hairs.” It may not matter anyway, as the construction company have said that if they don’t get paid soon they’ll come back and take the whole lot away. Meanies. Another look at the way things used to be with a couple of tales from Monkeywatch back in May 2007… “On May 1, the annual Crocodile Egg Eating Competition took place at the Pattaya Crocodile Farm, which involves contestants trying to be the fastest to eat 10 eggs. The competition was won by a Thai tourist, who collected a handsome prize of 10,000 baht. This was shortly followed by an unscheduled tourist eating competition after several crocodiles escaped from their pens and ran amok. The head keeper said that they’d been unable to establish if any of the crazed reptiles had managed to devour 10 tourists, but added that it didn’t really matter, as 10,000 baht was bugger all use to a crocodile anyway. Pattaya Police have reported that a gang of thieves poisoned a family’s poodle then stole goods worth several hundred thousand baht from their house. The Korean family involved said that it was bad enough losing the property without having their dinner ruined as well.” Pattaya has announced plans to step up production of methane… There’s a new push by City officials to get rid of the rats on Beach Road that “damage the image of Pattaya.” So why don’t they just confiscate their jet skis? Police have increased their anti-sex patrols on Pratamnak Hill after reports that couples have been having it off in the bushes and have been questioning suspects, perhaps along the lines of “What are you doing with girl?” “Nothing, officer.” “Well piss off then and let a man get in.” Oh, and there was a clean-up of the Pattaya sex industry by the police and the army last Wednesday but nobody seems to have noticed. be seeing you monkeyman

Inside No. 9

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a soggy Songkran showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our special April Fool rodent edition. A squirrel has been blamed for the sewage pump failure that led to Wong Amat Beach becoming full of shit the other weekend. Tourists and beach vendors were put to flight as the sea became so black and smelly that it was virtually indistinguishable from Soi 16. The official story is that the squirrel bit though a cable, causing its own demise as well as that of the sewage pump. Suppose it could happen, but one can’t help thinking that maybe Wong Amat Beach isn’t the only thing round here that’s full of shit. This of course comes hot on the heels of the revelation that the fire on Walking Street that burned down a popular rock bar was also caused by a squirrel, in this case causing a junction box to explode. Quite a coincidence eh? Or is Pattaya’s Electrical Engineering Department employing squirrels now. Well, if you pay peanuts, you get…er…squirrels. Speaking of fires, there was another one in a local plastics factory the other Wednesday. Firefighters were unable to extinguish the blaze so they gave up and stood around while the building burned to the ground. A local squirrel is believed to be helping police with their enquiries. Six young Thai men have been fined and jailed for a couple of weeks after being caught throwing plastic bags filled with urine at passers-by during the Songkran festivities. Police were called and quickly gave the lads a good hiding and took the piss, two activities at which they are known to be particularly adept. The 10th Annual Pattaya Farting Competition took place last week. Here we see the eventual winner giving his rip snorting performance… The Transport Ministry has announced new seatbelt laws that will prohibit people from travelling in the back of pickup trucks other than baht buses. Hmmm, think we might be getting some new records being set for the most people on one motorbike. Oh, it’s okay, they’ve decided to scrap the new law already. Another success story. The local police have been busy again, this time arresting 14 big shot foreign mafia members. Sounds like the far end of Walking Street could be very quiet in the near future. So no change there then. A policeman’s son has been charged with murder following an incident in a local snooker hall when he beat a man to death with a snooker cue. He admitted the offence but said he didn’t realise he’d done anything wrong as he thought that’s how you played the game. Must’ve been watching some old footage of Alex Higgins. Sex stories in Pattaya aren’t normally news, but then they’re not normally about a man being arrested for sexually assaulting three motorbikes. The Thai man in question claimed the bikes had all consented to sex but police enquiries revealed that they were all less than five years old so he’s going to prison for the rest of his life. Christ, that makes the story about the Thai woman who called the police because a gas pump attendant couldn’t open the filler cap on her motorbike seem positively normal. This just has to be the smallest deckchair rental business in Pattaya… Bar news time, and there’s pretty much bugger all to report this month. Skyfall reopened after the Walking Street fire, minus a bit of its sign. The Rock Bar is still shut, though a new one has opened on Pattayaland 2 where Classroom A Go Go used to be. Ah yes, Pattayaland 2. Remember when it was the centre of Pattaya nightlife and you could walk down there without having to keep your back to the wall? How times have changed. These days it’s known as Soi Gonorrhoea because local Thais say it’s “a road of clap”. Now we have the Happy Zone in Walking Street, police have promised to return happiness to Pattaya by getting rid of all the sleaze, drugs and sex. So how does that work then? Following criticism of the Thai media for using non PC language when describing the disabled, a group calling itself The Rainbow Room Foundation has come up with a list of suggested alternative expressions. For instance, they suggested that instead of calling people retards, they should refer to them as “people with intellectual differences or challenges.” How the fuck do they expect retards to understand that? Anyway, when the media found out that the woman who made the original complaint was blind, they all agreed that they wouldn’t change anything they printed – they’d just tell her that they had. Police are investigating reports that a number of vehicles plunged into a river after a local contractor demolished a bridge but didn’t bother to put up any warning signs. When asked what action he planned to take to rectify the situation, the contractor said “We’ll miss that bridge when we come to it.” There are still plenty of old bags to be found on Beach Road… A couple of historic snippets now from Monkeywatch in April 2007… “Hot topic of the moment is that a court has declared the new View Talay 7 project to be illegal, as buildings over 14 metres in height cannot be constructed within 200 metres of the sea. However, the construction company, Dongtan Erections, claim that they are complying with the law as they only work on the building when the tide is out. There was a bit of fun and games in Pattayaland 2 last week when a drunken tourist smashed an electric fan attached to one of the Go Gos and promptly had his nose relocated to somewhere behind his left ear by one of the doormen. So now you know what happens in Pattaya when the shit hits the fan.” Following the news story that an 18 year old model had sold her virginity for 2.5 million dollars, some enterprising bar girls decided to try their own version of the idea using eBay. However, they soon abandoned the plan after constantly getting marked down in feedback for the item not being as described. Pattaya police have all been sent on a 30 hour English course to help them communicate better with tourists. They are now proficient in phrases such as “stinking pig”, “cretinous slant-eyed lemming”, “you’re a farang so it’s your fault” and “10,000 baht? That’ll do nicely”. After completing the course, they arrested the farang tutor for not having a work permit. Thailand is to bring in restrictions on alcohol outlets that will spell the end of booze sales in 7/11 stores. You’ll apparently only be able to buy alcohol from designated stores, and to make a purchase you’ll have to provide them with your passport, immigration address report, DNA sample, retinal scan, that sort of stuff. And, of course, it’ll cost a bloody fortune. Could this be the end of the stinking pig? In celebration of April Fool’s Day, one of the stories above is completely untrue. No, really, just the one. be seeing you monkeyman

Or to put it another way, stinking pigs.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome as we cast another beady eye over the ups and downs of life on the street. And off it. Well, it was here we go again time this month as the government ordered a new crackdown on Pattaya’s nightlife following an article in brit rag The Daily Mirror exposing the alleged shocking goings-on in Fun City. This is of course the same paper that exposed the shocking goings-on in war-torn Iraq using photos that were later proven to have been taken in the Liverpool area (which admittedly does look like war-torn Iraq.) Anyway, the government decided that the article had tarnished the country’s image (unlike a military coup, presumably) and so ordered a blitz on bars, street hookers and ST rooms. They obviously think that having government policy dictated by a downmarket foreign newspaper puts the country in a good light. Perhaps the Daily Mirror would like to write a follow-up piece entitled “Pattaya Tourists Terrorised In Police Bar Raids” in the interests of balanced reporting. Nah, on second thoughts they wouldn’t know what it was. This all harks back to the furore in 1999 when the Thai authorities went apeshit after a British journalist described Pattaya as a “sexual Disneyland”, though it was never made entirely clear which of the two words he used had caused the offence. In another effort to discourage prostitution, it’s been decreed that bar girls won’t be allowed to consort with foreign men in public unless they’re accompanied by a monk. Trouble is, the monks around here seem to have more run-ins with the police than the bar girls do. Not that it matters, as we’ve already been officially told that there isn’t any prostitution in Pattaya, so that stuff in the Daily Mirror must have been fake news. Imagine our surprise. By the way, all of this frantic police activity is allegedly to make tourists feel happy and safe. Well, when I’m in a bar having a quiet drink and minding my own business, there’s nothing that makes me feel happier and safer than having a gang of uniformed thugs kick the doors in, throw me out on the street and close the place down. Next crisis please. City Hall say they have some exciting new plans in the pipeline. All they have to do now is figure out how to get them out… Thailand has made a complaint to the authorities in Hong Kong after it was discovered that immigration officials were asking any Thai woman who arrived there if she planned to engage in prostitution. This is known as a rhetorical question. Now the army has decreed that baht buses can only stop in designated places, the local authorities are painting the town red – literally. Huge swathes of red paint are being spread liberally over the roads so people can see where the baht buses are supposed to stop. And of course being red it also cleverly conceals the remains of any hapless punter who’s stupid enough to assume that if he steps into the road the bus will stop for him. Tourists and locals gathered outside Mike Shopping Mall a couple of weeks ago to protest about pedestrian traffic lights that haven’t worked for over a year. Seems the locals are upset about the lights being stuck on green because it doesn’t give them any red lights to shoot. And the tourists are upset because they can’t get the lights to change. Someone should tell them that nothing ever changes in Pattaya. Sci-fi fans on Beach Road were given a treat this month when R2D2’s cousin paid a flying visit… Bar news now, and that old chestnut World Wide A Go Go has finally a gone gone. Seems the owners have decided to get out of the meat trade as it’s going to become a new branch of Burger King. Both Frog Queen and Pacha A Go Go have managed that rare feat of closing down before they even opened. Licensing issues, apparently. Overmind has reopened yet again, though by the time you read this it’ll probably have closed. And it looks like Alcatraz A Go Go has gone the same way as the prison (though you’d probably have had a better night out in the prison.) The place is now undergoing some form of refurbishment, as confirmed by the sign outside saying “Another Quality Project Under Construction”. As in quality tourist? Speaking of which, a Russian quality tourist was nabbed by a shopkeeper the other week for stealing a watch worth 1200 baht. With the benefit of hindsight, it probably wasn’t a smart move to take the watch back to the shop where he stole it to complain that it was a fake. When police arrived, the hapless Ruskie tried to blame the shopkeeper for the incident as he’d claimed that the watch was worth 50,000 baht and therefore seemed to be well worth stealing. Police were unimpressed and arrested the Ruskie for theft, though a further arrest for attempted fraud was not pursued after the shopkeeper made a generous donation to the Police Benevolent Fund. Okay, here’s another blast from the past with a brace of snippets from the Monkeywatch of March 2007… “The constructors of Pattaya’s new relief road say that that its completion has been delayed because of a telephone pole that stands slap bang in the middle of where the road is supposed to run, and that there’ll be a bit of a hold up while it’s removed. Bollocks. We’ve seen a baht bus driver remove one in two seconds flat. Have you noticed that there’s been a lot of bother involving Scandinavians in Pattaya recently? And we always thought that they were supposed to be such nice peaceful fellows. I mean, those two blokes in Abba never punched anybody out, did they? Probably left it to the girls.” If you see Batman, tell him we’ve found it… Just spotted an article about customers who are seeking help for an unfinished Pattaya condominium project. Always pleased to help – there’ll be a brick in the post tomorrow morning. Finally, a couple of canine capers. The mystery of the 30 or so stray dogs that have gone missing in Pattaya over the last few weeks has been solved – it seems that Cambodian construction workers have been eating them. Police have told them to stop it so that should be the end of the matter. In another doggie incident, the owner of a dog in Muang that bit a small child is now claiming that the dog was merely retaliating because the child had bitten it first. Police ordered that it should be taken away and eaten by Cambodian construction workers, but after dinner had to go back and explain to the workers that they’d actually been talking about the dog. And a bit of breaking news to finish. Blue Sky on Walking Street has burnt down. Welcome to the Happy Zone. be seeing you monkeyman

There's loads of photos on the Secrets board.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping by, and welcome to this month’s peek through the curtains at what’s been going on and going off in Smirk City. Everybody has their own way of celebrating Valentine’s Day, and in the case of the Boys in Brown it took the form of a Valentine’s Day Go Go raiding party in the Walking Street area. This was allegedly carried out “to give tourists a warm feeling and to assure them of their safety.” Don’t think the punter who they caught on the job in a ST room felt too safe. He may well have got a warm feeling though – the poor sod probably pissed himself. There’s a thread running on one of the boards enquiring about which hotel guys stayed at on their first visit to Pattaya. Remember it well - The Cholchan (now The Mercure). Their advertising blurb said it was 10 minutes from Walking Street and one couldn’t help but wonder what method of transport they employed to time the journey. Doubt if a cruise missile could have done it in that time. A Finnish bloke broke both his arms after jumping into one of Pattaya’s partially constructed new road tunnels. The reason for his action has not yet been established, though as he broke his arms rather than his legs, the theory is he must have dived rather than jumped. Should’ve waited for the rainy season. Expect everybody’ll be able to dive into the tunnels then. Pattaya is proud to announce the opening of this amazing new three-storey mega coffee shop… And now another trip down memory soi with a pair of Monkeywatch stories from February 2007… “Well, the big story just after New Year was the bomb scare on North Pattaya Road caused by the hapless loon whose car exploded after he fitted it with an LPG fuel system to save money. In an attempt to retrieve the situation, he said that the car had never experienced any problems until it blew up, but the general consensus from those present was that they’d sooner buy a used car from Richard Nixon. Whoops, they did it again. As you may well have heard, the Thai authorities have come up with yet another brilliant new scheme to cut crime by having bar owners install CCTV cameras in their premises. Predictably, the announcement sparked off a huge crime wave, as thefts from shops selling CCTV equipment tripled overnight. Don’t you love it when a plan falls apart?” A Pattaya restaurant owner decided to throw his premises open for a couple of days last month to collect donations for flood victims in Southern Thailand. He collected 200 baht, had his freezer stolen and got kicked in the balls by a drunk. There’s a moral in there somewhere, but we’re damned if we can find it. A farang was arrested in Central Pattaya around midnight the other day after reports that he was running around naked with a knife, threatening people and attempting to damage property. Police still don’t know his identity or nationality as they couldn’t get a word out of him. Nice to see that TAT’s charm offensive to attract more quality tourists is working so well. Here’s a couple of new boilers spotted in Pattaya. Makes a welcome change from the old boilers in most of the bars… A bit of bar news now, and Overmind has gone lights out yet again. The Amethyst saga continues, as it’s reopened yet again under the name of Gold. And Tiger on Soi Diamond, after a failed excursion into the nightclub market, is to return to its Go Go roots. Well done guys – you know it makes sense. A Thai couple were arrested last week after police raided their condo and seized a large haul of fake handbags reckoned to be worth around 10 million baht. The couple admitted the offence but said they thought their business was legal as they only sold the handbags to fake women. Up in Bangkok, police divers have been searching a lake for a used car salesman who’d been reported missing a while back. The search was instigated by some fisherman who reported a bad smell in the area and naturally thought it might be a used car salesman. Anyway, the divers found some bones and they’ve been sent for forensic tests to see if they’re human. If they aren’t, they’ve probably found their man. Police are still searching for the Pattaya dog thief as the six Korean restaurant owners they arrested have now been released without charge. Not content with stealing from tourists on Beach Road, the local thieves are now stealing Beach Road itself… In a crackdown to enforce the new designated stopping areas, no less than 32 baht buses have been confiscated by the military for stopping when they shouldn’t. This is a replacement for the old system of baht buses not stopping when they should, usually when you’re on your own and the driver spots a group of Chinese just down the road. Bastards – the drivers that is, not the Chinese. On second thoughts yeah, the Chinese as well. The vehicle ban at Bali Hai Pier while repairs are carried out is still causing a stink – literally. Tourist boats are now having to use the garbage barge docks and passengers have complained that they are having to climb over putrid garbage in order to disembark. Anyone who’s been on an EasyJet flight to Ibiza in a non-aisle seat must know what that feels like. Finally, an Italian expat taking a stroll in Jomtien a couple of weeks ago was unexpectedly killed after a tree branch spontaneously broke off and gave him a whop over the head. Wonder how it knew he was Italian? be seeing you monkeyman

Works for me. Nice job.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another year, and following a festive season with best mates punching each other’s lights out, celebrities dropping like flies and bars decorated with copious amounts of vomit (in other words, a normal Christmas), welcome to our first look at the dubious goings-on of 2017. It’s been reported that the Prime Minister has stressed the need for Thailand to focus on attracting quality tourists rather than just chasing higher numbers. He might have a point, as the report went on to say that in 2016 Thailand had a total of 32.6 million visitors and tourist revenues went up to the equivalent of $50,000,000. So the average tourist spent just over $1.50 during his stay then. Factoring in previous estimates of farang holiday expenditure, we’ve calculated that the average Chinese tourist must have spent a total of about 5 baht during his stay. Would’ve been jack shit if they didn’t have weak bladders. So what’s all this malarkey about new baht bus routes then? If you believe some of the stories going around then there won’t be any more baht buses on 2nd Road or Soi Buakhao, so if you’re going to Walking Street you’d better find yourself a hotel within walking distance or you’ll probably never see your room again. And why are the routes numbered 4 to 7? What happened to the first three? No doubt it’ll all come out in the wash (probably the dirty linen.) It’s all academic at the moment though, as the baht bus drivers haven’t taken a blind bit of notice of any of it. But the rumour that baht bus fares are to rise to 20 baht was absolutely true. That is, it’s true that it was a rumour. The story itself was horseshit. The long-anticipated inaugural voyage of the new Pattaya-Hua Hin ferry was allegedly cancelled because of… waves. The owners swear that this is the truth, but it sounds like a ferry story to us. Twenty three Indian tourists were fished out of the sea just before New Year after their boat sank off the coast of North Pattaya. The two speedboat owners who came to their rescue advised them to spend a little more on their boat hire next time as 23 people is just a tad too many for one pedalo. Sinking pigs? Beach Road is the place to be if you want to see the very latest Indian supercars… New Year bar news now, and there’s been a few name changes around town. Amethyst has reopened as Gold, and Spice Club, which was the old Shark Club in all but name, is now Shark Club in name as well. Looks like it’s now the dark side of the Moon Club as the lights have been out for a while. And that well-known man about town Mr Egg has opened his own bar called Le Pub on Soi Diamond. The best of British luck to you, sir. A distraught Ruskie turned up at the Police Station last week to report that his pay-as-you-go girlfriend had legged it with his laptop, camera, iPad phone, jewellery and 3500 baht in cash. Only 3500 baht? Silly cow. She should’ve gone with an Indian because, as we know, they’ve always got upwards of 250,000 baht on them when they get turned over. A couple of needy schoolboys had a bit of a result when a pair of donated jeans they were given to keep out the cold were found to have 100,000 baht in the pockets. “I’m well chuffed”, said one of the lads. “Yesterday I didn’t have a pot to piss in and now look at me.” The boys said they would spend the money wisely, which in Thai parlance means they’ll blow the lot on bar girls and Mekhong whisky. Good lads – you know it makes sense. If the baht bus boys find out about this they’ll all want to join (if you dont have a magnifying glass handy, it says "Taxi Racing Club Thailand")... Another look over the shoulder now with a couple of reminiscences from the Monkeywatch of January 2007… “Well, who would have thought it? Just three months after its much-trumpeted opening, the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to be partially closed because of poor construction. This will be administered by minor officials as senior figures don’t have time to deal with such trivial matters - they’re too busy plotting the next bar crackdown to ruin the holidays of any tourists who manage to survive the ordeal of their planes landing on what’s left of the runways. In the best traditions of Hollywood, Fun City now has its name spelled out on Radio Station Hill in 20 metre high letters. They haven’t got it quite right yet, but it does offer an opportunity for tourists who are bored with the Big Apple to visit the big PATAYTA.” Meanwhile, back in 2017, Pattaya was in the naughty corner yet again just after New Year when a video clip of drunks fighting in McDonald’s went viral on social media. Why do people go to McDonald’s if they want to fight? Come to that, why do people go to McDonald’s if they want to eat? A Chinese tourist was arrested by police last week after visiting what he thought was a public toilet… There was a story somewhere last week that Pattaya had been replacing bent manhole covers. Don’t know why they can’t let ladyboys replace their own chastity belts. The government has announced that the 2017 general election is on track - it’ll be held in 2025. And to end, an update to the ferry story. After many delays and postponements, the Pattaya to Hua Hin ferry finally set off on its maiden voyage on January 5. It hasn’t been seen since. be seeing you monkeyman (thanks to short for the taxi pic)

Strangely, not mentioned. Maybe they prefer the English because of their impeccable behaviour when they travel abroad.

I plead guilty but insane. Never heard of craft beer so I did assume it to be a misspelling of draft. Another one bites the dust. Perhaps I should amend it to read "don't think about it." Doh. Oh, and tallguy was spot on. It is indeed on Beach Road just north of Soi 1. Never been in the place but, as you say, sounds like a good night out.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a festive showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the last of this year’s plunges into the pits of Patts. The powers that be are introducing new rules requiring everyone who wants to stay in Thailand to have a minimum income of 100,000 baht per month or 3,000,000 baht in a Thai bank account. They’ve targeted the citizens of 15 counties in particular as being the ones they want to attract, including England, the United States, Australia, Japan, China and India (no, really). Well, they should have plenty of room for them after they’ve applied these rules and slung all the Thais out. The Thai tourist industry has been warned by a leading bank that it can’t rest on its laurels – presumably because it doesn’t have any to rest on. The Pattaya hotel that was told to demolish its illegally sited swimming pool has now been told that the hotel itself has to come down as well. Quite a tidy solution actually – they can use the rubble from the demolished hotel to fill in the swimming pool. Ever heard the expression “Where do you get all this shit?” We may have found the answer… They say that relations between the USA and Thailand have become a bit frosty of late and this will lead to a reduction of American influence in the country. Sounds good. It means that Thailand can finally tell all the whining human trafficking fantasists to fuck off – if Trump doesn’t beat them to it. It’s been alleged that Thai tour operators have been taking advantage of the swarms of Chinese tourists visiting the country by ripping them off at every available opportunity. In reply, the tour operators said they were pleased that their efforts had been recognised but modestly added that they didn’t think it was fair that they should get all the credit. Speaking of which, it’s now emerged that since the crackdown on so-called zero-dollars package tours, Chinese tourism has dropped by 70 per cent. So maybe the little yellow sods actually like being turned over by scam artists. Silly buggers. Guess it’ll get you up Soi 3 quicker than a baht bus during the rainy season… A slightly busier bar news this month. Amethyst on LK Metro has closed again, but the numbers are to be made up by a new Go Go on the site of the Armageddon Bar. Also just opened on LK is Champagne Coyotes in yet another attempt to give Champagne A Go Go a new neighbour that doesn’t close down before the paint dries. Moving on to Walking Street, Overmind closed (again) then reopened (again) and we are to have two completely new Walking Street Go Gos called Frog and Pacha in the next few weeks as two beer bars convert to chrome pole palaces. Christ, aren’t there enough ropey looking tarts on WS already? The Prime Minister has made a plea to the public to help the economy by only buying Thai products. That’s the Ruskie hookers fucked then. Or not fucked, depending on how you look at it. Panic broke out at the Nashaa Club in Walking Street a couple of weeks ago after a fire broke out, causing thick black smoke to spew out of the premises, closely followed by the 100 or so quality tourists who were in the place at the time. Police have not been able to establish the origin of the blaze, though if the estimated two million baht damage figure proves to be correct, it probably started in the owner’s wallet. The burgers are something to write home about but the beer’s drap (think about it)… Nostalgia time again, with a couple of snippets from the December 2006 edition of Monkeywatch… “There’s been a few comments made about the Climax Bar having a guy sitting outside the bog and charging the outrageous sum of five baht before you can go in and take a leak. Guess they figure that piss taking is a two-way street. Let that be a warning unto ye. Representatives from the Cambodian government have been visiting Pattaya as they plan to use the city as a model for tourism back in their country. On announcement of this news, shares in chrome pole manufacturing companies were said to have hit an all-time high.” The military have started a crackdown on baht buses and motorcycles on Beach Road. Baht buses can now only use one lane of the road (probably the middle one knowing the Thais) and will only be allowed to stop at officially designated places. Anybody getting a feeling of déjà vu? Motorcycles for hire will be banned from parking in many areas and will have to be painted blue for easy identification. If they really want to clean up Beach Road they should try painting the ladyboys blue as well. Finally, it’s been announced that baht bus fares will increase from the traditional 10 baht to an exorbitant 20 baht from the first day of 2017. That’s two entire nations priced out of the market then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming to visit, and welcome to this month’s look at Fun City, complete with lights and music. Yes, the switches have been thrown and it’s all back on. Tourists are being warned to be wary of what has been described as ‘Thai noodle bus poisoners’. Dunno what a Thai noodle bus is or why anybody would want to poison one and it’s unlikely that any tourists do either. Why do they waste our time with this shit? Pattaya police have arrested a drug dealer who was posing as a policeman and selling illicit substances to teenagers. The man claimed he was the victim of unfair treatment as police are regularly posing as drug dealers with complete impunity. He threatened to make a complaint but changed his mind after the situation was explained to him with the aid of a couple of police batons. The fully automated multi-storey car park at Bali Hai Pier finally opened last month, offering motorists the opportunity to watch their cars being picked up and slotted into seven storeys of parking spaces by a team of robotic arms. Huh. They had a car park like this in Thunderbirds 50 years ago. This place was supposed to open three years ago so there must have been one hell of queue to get in. Always said that boy would never come to anything… A Thai bloke had to be rushed to hospital last week after a sex game went wrong and he got a cock ring stuck on his dick that had to be removed with a pair of bolt cutters. Turned out that the so-called cock ring was actually a curtain ring. That’s what comes of trying to do things on the cheap. Silly bugger. Time for another trip down memory lane courtesy of Monkeywatch in November 2006… “Following an article in a local newspaper entitled ‘Police Bring In Iron Bar Attackers’, a spokesman for the Pattaya police said he would like to make it clear that this was an arrest and not an intake of new recruits. In a move that will no doubt inspire confidence in us all, twenty-two Pattaya traders have been presented with plaques signifying that they have passed food safety and hygiene standards at a ceremony led by Mr Uttalee Krappatit, a member of Pattaya City Council. They will now all be entered into a prize draw for a complimentary stomach pump.” Pattaya authorities have decreed that the Bali Hai Sunset Restaurant is to be demolished by November 22. That’s a bit harsh. If they don’t like the food, why don’t they just knock a star off or eat somewhere else? Big C - open as usual? Yeah, so is bloody Mosul… Bars news now, and we start with the tale of Amethyst. Now, Amethyst has reopened on LK Metro despite reports that it was to relocate to Walking Street. Except that it actually has relocated to Walking Street and is called Pheromone. So the place that’s called Amethyst isn’t actually Amethyst – except that it is, because that’s what it’s called. You can’t really follow that so it’s probably just as well that there’s bugger all else to report, except that Walking Street is to have a new Go Go called Bypass, probably because after a night in there you’ll most likely need one. There’s a story going round about some Kraut who killed his wife and chopped her up so he could nick her cash to fund a trip to Patts. So what’s the problem then? That old chestnut of a plan to demolish the west side of Walking Street has reared its head yet again. Basically, the new idea is to spend 1.5 billion baht on destroying Pattaya’s tourist industry by replacing it with a public park and marina that will be of no interest to anyone, much like previous similar projects. The university researchers who came up with this proposal are now on their way to New York with their latest plan to demolish the Statue of Liberty and replace it with a Donald Trump Theme Park. Tourists can still often be seen enjoying the traditional Pattaya game of ‘Spot The Stinking Pig’… Crime in Thailand is on the decline. Well, it is according to the Police Public Affairs Division anyway. Perhaps they should check to make sure that graph of theirs is the right way up. In yet another attempt to boost tourism, there’s a new app been launched called ‘Destination Thailand’ that purports to provide up to the minute information on travel, lifestyle, tourism, art, culture, food, entertainment and MICE. So if you want to know all there is to know about mice (or Mice City?), this is the app for you. And to end, a tale of the unexpected, namely going to a Go Go and being told by a doorman that the place was “for members only”. So that was it. Courtesy of a myopic minion, monkeyman became a stinking pig. Poetic justice, eh? be seeing you monkeyman

Tell that to Gary Glitter.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, good mourning to you all, and welcome to another selection of dirty deeds from Stinking Pig City. You know, the demographic in Pattaya is definitely shifting. There’s a more well-off breed of Indian coming onto the scene, chaps who can afford to ride on baht buses and have a drink and a Beach Road slapper all to themselves. At the same time, the affluent Nips and Koreans have now been joined by their less well-heeled countrymen, the oriental equivalent of the stinking pig known as the Cheap Chow Li. They can be seen in bars and Go Gos all round town now sitting on their own nursing the draught beer they bought two hours previously and steadfastly refusing to buy any lady drinks. It’s confusing the hell out of the girls – they just don’t know who to schmooze any more. Somebody recently commented that there weren’t many Indians in Pattaya at the moment. Reckon they must have been on about the ones with bows and arrows and war paint as the place is crawling with the more familiar variety. A veritable sea of spectacles and moustaches - the bloody place looks like a Groucho Marx convention. Every night you can see hordes of the malodorous little buggers swarming towards the Indian Restaurant on Soi 1 known locally as The Stinking Piggery. Probably only a matter of time before the sods start stampeding like they do in Mecca. And now, a baht bus tale. In the wee hours a few nights ago, the vehicle in question was parked and waiting for a couple of passengers to make up a full load of Walking Street drunks before setting off northwards. A couple of Indians were sitting at the back, one of whom was leaning over and honking up every 30 seconds or so over the platform at the rear of the bus. Clearly unaware of this, a respectable looking middle-aged Korean chap got on and stood on the platform facing backwards. The Indian who wasn’t giving the performance tried to warn him by prodding him in the back and shouting “Vomit! Vomit!” but the hapless Oriental ignored him until the inevitable happened. Without even looking round, he then quietly disembarked and walked away, shaking his right leg every second step. Guess he was trying to preserve some modicum of dignity, though it’s pretty hard to look dignified when you’ve got some stinking pig’s puke running down your bum crack and out of the leg of your shorts. If you’re leaving your car on Soi 1, it’s a good idea to avoid parking on the wet cement… Despite what some would have you believe, nudity definitely seems to be making a comeback in the Go Gos. Been in more than one where there was reportedly no nudity and every girl on the stage was stark bollock naked. Just a case of hanging around for the right point in the dancer cycle, methinks. Police were called to Second Road after a Chinese bloke on his first visit to Thailand reported that a ladyboy had snatched his gold necklace worth 60,000 baht (yeah, right). The man was distraught and said he doubted that he and his travelling companions would ever visit Thailand again. So that’s 500 cheap tourists and one stick with a flag on it gone forever then. Those of you who complain about the quality of Go Go Bars in Pattaya should take a trip over to Jomtien and visit We Are No 1 Go Go Bar. Can’t argue with the name, though it isn’t difficult to be No 1 when there aren’t any others. The inside of the place looks like the set from The Munsters and the dancers are a sight to behold – your average hotel room cleaner is younger and better looking than any of ‘em. One definitely looks like the she’s the wrong side of 60 and the rest aren’t too far behind. Add that to the katoey who seems to be running the place and you’ve got a real winner on your hands. Watch out for the Robbie Williams video in there. Robbie’s co-star is the best looker you’ll see in the place. Yeah, you guessed it, it’s ‘Me And My Monkey’. Have fun. Yet another fast food joint has opened on Beach Road – Kentucky Fried Elephant… Bar news is a bit thin on the ground again. Kiss A Go Go has reopened after its refit and Las Vegas III has reopened as so Nice A Go Go. Looks like The Sea has finally sunk and will resurface as a beer bar. And that’s about it. In another master stroke to promote tourism, the local immigration authorities have decided that foreign visitors must spend their entire stay at the address they registered with immigration on arrival or face a fine of 4000 baht. Could be a bit annoying if you’d planned to step outside your hotel room at some point during your visit. Reports are coming in that workmen supported by the military have been deployed in Soi 6 to get rid of what have been described as ‘encroaching structures’. Not sure what they’re on about – perhaps they’ll be telling all the girls with silicone implants not to sit outside. We never do… Another dip into the past now with a wee excerpt from Monkeywatch back in October 2006. “Pattaya City Hall recently hosted a seminar for a group of school students to discuss male and female sexuality, and to inform them of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. They were particularly warned about the dangers of anal sex, which was described to them as “anal vice”. This unfortunately caused confusion among some of the students who had thought this to be a song from ‘The Sound Of Music’.” Jomtien residents have allegedly been complaining that the trees on the shoreline are making the place too dark by obscuring street lights. One wonders if these ‘residents’ have any connection to the bunch of cowboys who were paid exorbitant amounts of money to vandalise the trees on Beach Road. Local officials recently organised a youth march through the district to demonstrate against corruption and to teach the young people about morals, values and ethics. However, the march ended after only 10 minutes when local businesses gave in to the demonstrators and offered them 500 baht each to go home. Finally, some late news on bar closures. They’re all closed…or are they? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in raking through our latest selection of droppings from Mice City (still think they should’ve called it Rat City.) The PM has said that he wants the Thai media to be the “mouth, eyes and ears” of the country. Interesting that he’s comparing them to parts of the human body. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to return the compliment. A taxi driver has been fined after a female passenger videoed him spanking his monkey while eyeing her up in his rear view mirror. The man claimed that he was only scratching an itchy thigh but was unable to explain why his dick was clearly on display so he was fined 2000 baht. The judge added that the fine would have been much larger but for the fact that such an abysmally inadequate apology for a penis was unlikely to prove intimidating to any but the most nervous of women. So you see, size really does matter. Acting on a tip-off, Chonburi police intercepted a van last week and seized 600,000 yabba tablets along with a Thai man who they suspect is a major drug trafficker, despite his insistence that he’d just been to the local pharmacy to collect his prescription. Pattaya is pressing ahead with its plan to be twinned with Stonehenge… Archive time now, so here’s a couple of snippets from the September 2006 edition of Monkeywatch. “In what’s presumably an attempt to impress somebody or other, Pattaya City Council has given the go-ahead for the construction of a 91-storey condominium tower on Jomtien Beach Road, which will give them the almost slightly amazing reputation of having the world’s tallest residential building. Critics of this enviable erection include the Immigration Authorities, who are concerned that it will attract hordes of end-it-all jumpers whose visas may expire before they hit the ground. Just remember to keep looking up as you walk past, eh? The boys in brown have been taking a tough line on drink-driving recently, so visitors would be well advised to stay within the prescribed limits when taking to the highway. However, as the current drink-drive limit is 32 bottles of Singha, three bottles of Mekhong whisky and a gallon of paint stripper, this shouldn’t prove to be too much of a daunting task for the average tourist.” It’s been announced that the Thai Police Force is to double in size. Guess they must be giving them luncheon vouchers for McDonald’s. City Hall has banned deckchairs and beach umbrellas from Pattaya Beach after a group of Chinese tourists (yes, them again) were put to flight by irate beach chair vendors. The vendors, it seems, were incensed that the tourists had brought their own chairs and shades so were not paying them any money. The tourist then complained to City Hall who sent a team to the beach to put banning orders in place. One of the vendors claimed they had only asked the hapless Yellow Peril to move away because they might get sand in their desserts. However, it was the vendors who got their just deserts, and they won’t be getting sand in them as they’ve been banned from the beach until September 9. Wonder if that date’s significant? Following concerns that the uniforms worn by the Tourist Police Volunteers made them look a bit too much like Nazis, they’re trialling an informal new look, as demonstrated here by a member of the local TPV force… This month’s bar news is petty sparse. One bit of good news is that afternoon Go Go opening has resumed in some quarters. And World Wide A Go Go has closed for two months – which might be regarded by some as another bit of good news. Following an investigation by the Department of Special Investigation Bureau of Special Crime 3 (another catchy little name), a local lawyer had his premises raided and was found to be in possession of a dozen chimpanzees and a quantity of washing powder. He was arrested and will appear in court next week to face a charge of monkey laundering. The proposed launch date of the Pattaya to Hua Hin ferry has finally been announced. The proposed sinking date has been set for a few days later. City Hall has planted a new tree to welcome Chinese tourists to Pattaya… The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new plan to attract quality tourists back to Thailand. I suppose you’re thinking you’ve heard it all before. Well, you’re gonna hear it all again. Quality tourists are now apparently defined by the length of their visit and the amount of money they spend. So they’ve launched a new drive to attract more Chinese and Indian visitors. Yeah, right. You couldn’t make it up – and we didn’t. Anyone for the next plan? A quarantine area has been set up after fifty drums of toxic liquid were discovered in a local sand pit. A local health official said “No problem. We’ll do what we always do. Bottle it up and flog it to the bars.” So that’s it for this month, and amazingly, we’ve managed to complete the whole of this edition without saying ‘stinking pig’… oh, bugger. be seeing you monkeyman

Sleuth

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to our summertime stroll through the cesspits of Sin City. We start this month with the startling news that the Chinese have been banned from Thailand – well, the government have banned gatherings of more than five people so it comes to pretty much the same thing. It was all to do with this referendum thingy where Thais got the chance to vote whether they supported the new constitution or whether they were in favour of it. Tough choice. Research has shown that Thai women have some of the smallest breasts in the world, though this is counterbalanced by Thai men who have some of the biggest. However, this is again counterbalanced by Thai men having the second smallest penises. Beaten into second place by the Japs, presumably, with the Indians getting the bronze medal. And they call this research? Where do they get all this shit? Deckchair vendors on Beach Road have been whingeing that their takings this year have been crap compared to the previous 12 months. They blamed everyone from the government to the City Hall Planning Department and the local Tourist Board, but curiously forgot to mention that during this period they’d doubled their deckchair rental charges. Must have slipped their minds. “Well the media said that politicians buried their heads here…” Reacting swiftly to the latest round of bomb attacks, the government has announced that anybody carrying a rucksack or looking a bit like an Islamist will be shot on sight. The army and police are to be given extra ammunition in case they encounter a group of Muslim backpackers. The Muzzas aren’t the only ones in the firing line though, as Chinese tourists have started complaining about feeling insulted by the Thais. That’s most unfair, I mean why pick on the Thais? At least they don’t scrawl obscenities in Chinese passports like the Vietnamese border guards have been doing. A bar owner in Britain has created a mobile-free zone by covering his premises in copper wire, thus forcing his customers to interact with each other instead of spending all evening wearing their thumbs out. Interesting idea - if they tried this in Pattaya we might be able to get the Go Go girls to give us more than five consecutive seconds of their obviously valuable time. If you want to rent a motorised pogo stick, this is your man… Bar news now, and the crackdown on afternoon opening seems to be hitting the early doors Go Go trade with the closure of Las Vegas III. The first of many, one suspects. The newly-relocated Beach club also closed, but reopened after some renovation work to make it vaguely habitable. Bad Girls on Walking Street joins that select group of bars that managed to close down before it even opened. And there’s a new alleged Go Go opening on Soi 6 called Working Girls, though the name’s unlikely to be understood by most of the staff. There seems to have been yet more delays to the catastrophic Central Pattaya Tunnel project. The rumour is that construction workers heard scuffling noises then the ceiling fell in and they were buried under a pile of around 50 Syrians who’d got lost tunnelling their way out of Damascus. Streuth, it was never like this in The Great Escape. Who can forget the immortal line “They’ve found Tom!” when the first tunnel was discovered, though in the case of Pattaya the discovery of the second tunnel might have been more apt. Time for a bit more nostalgia with some crime story snippets from Monkeywatch back in August 2006… “A couple of the local police had an unpleasantly excremental experience the other week. They were trying to get a particularly drunken disco reveller to take a urine test and the bloke followed through. Now they really are the boys in brown. A shop owner on Sukhumvit Road recently reported to Pattaya municipal police that he had been beaten up by three men, one of whom he reckoned was a police officer. The other two sound like promising recruits though, don’t they? Pattaya Tourist Police opened their new headquarters a few weeks ago after moving from Second Road. This was generally reckoned to be a good move, though there were some who felt that the new location should have been a little further away from Beach Road. The most popular suggestion was Baghdad.” Engineers have been called in after local children complained that their new swings were a teeny bit too high… It’s been reported that Thailand and Burma (none of that Myanmar nonsense here) have joined forces to seal off the notorious Golden Triangle region in order to stop drugs getting in. Hmmm, don’t think they’ve quite grasped the problem there. Thailand has invited the British to invest in their country in order to use it as a gateway to other countries in the region. Someone should tell them that the best way of getting Brits to invest more is to extend bar opening times and reduce barfines. Finally, a Thai bloke was arrested last week for impersonating a police officer after he was found in a hotel room wearing a uniform and fake ID he’d bought on the internet. He said that he’d never used the uniform to extort money or cause trouble so he was clearly innocent of the alleged offence, but the real police weren’t amused and charged him anyway. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to more Mice City Stories (nice one, Itty.) Well, the Pattaya zoning saga has taken a new turn, with the announcement that entertainment venues in Walking Street and Beach Road (Zone 1) can now stay open until 4am, while all the others (Zone 2) must close at 2am. Five year closures have been threatened for any infractions. However, no opening times have been specified so in theory they can all reopen five minutes later. Let’s keep an eye on Insomnia and JP Bar. Apart from that, in the last month we’ve had muggings, knife fights, shootings, stabbings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings, extortion…and floods. Just the place to bring the family after they’ve had their lights punched out in Hua Hin. Here’s a strange story. A Thai woman took her grandson to a store in Chantaburi to buy him a tablet (the electronic kind). When it turned out she couldn’t afford the one he wanted, he started having a hissy fit so she dragged him to the kitchenware department, grabbed a knife and held it to his neck. Police were called and arrived a few minutes later, followed by the local mayor. After 15 minutes or so, the mayor managed to convince her to release the boy and, after further negotiations in the canteen over a coffee and a fairy cake, to hand over the knife. He then bought the tablet for the boy and gave them both a lift home. There’s a moral to this story, but we’re buggered if we know what it is, though we understand that the most popular birthday gift for kids to give to their grandmothers is now a kitchen knife. The latest sporting craze to hit Pattaya is drain snorkelling… Time for a bit of nostalgia now with a Monkeywatch snippet from July 2006. In yet another exciting piece of news, City officials are currently engaged in talks with the Royal Thai Navy about sinking two disused ships in Pattaya Bay to create a habitat for the local marine life. And if that’s a success, they’re thinking of sinking two Soi 6 bars as a habitat for the local pond life. Following the Brit decision to Brexit from the EU, the Frogs are looking for somewhere new to unload the hordes of itinerant stinking pigs they inherited as part of their membership of that venerable organisation. How about Thailand? That bridge must be overdue for a refurb by now. The thing is, Brits don’t really understand why refugees make a bee line for their country in the first place. As one pointed out, “When we were being bombed by the Germans during the war, we didn’t all fuck off to Syria, did we?” A group representing Thai sex workers has asked for the country’s prostitution laws to be reviewed after recent raids had left the ladies too scared to access health and sex education programmes for fear of retribution. One story is that sex workers queuing up to access such services were arrested by police. As prostitution laws are currently being scrutinised in England, advice was sought from the British police but they were too busy investigating sexual abuse allegations against Oliver Cromwell. Pattaya introduces a new concept in accommodation for the budget tourist - build it yourself hotel rooms… Bar news next, and Amethyst on LK Metro is the latest bar to bite the dust – but only because it’s moving to Walking Street. Something to do with the new zoning, mayhap? Casnovy, on the other hand, isn’t moving anywhere as it’s closed for good. Word is it’ll become another Blue Sky live music bar. The Champion has also closed, though sister bar Champion a Go Go is still with us at its new location in Soi Lucky Star. However, Diamond A Go Go has reopened and we have yet another new Go Go called G-Spot on Walking Street (though their website bizarrely gives their location as Soi 15 next to Misty’s). Bad Girls A Go Go is also due to open shortly next to Insomnia. Police arrested 37 passenger van drivers last week after they were found to be carrying weapons including guns, knives, batons, baseball bats and axes in their vehicles. The drivers admitted the offences but explained that these items helped them to explain their complex fare structure to complaining passengers. Two Thais were arrested last week for giving an Iranian bloke a good kicking in South Pattaya. Police wouldn’t give any clues as to the reason for the assault other than to say it was nothing to do with the man being a stinking pig, presumably to deflect any suggestion that the attack might have been racially motivated. Another PR triumph there, lads. Pass the cigars round. Police are called in after another wheelie bin is found murdered on Beach Road… In another effort to improve the country’s image, tourists in Bangkok and Pattaya are being reminded to beware of scams operated by some tuk tuk and baht bus drivers such as driving off without giving change and taking passengers to unwanted destinations such as jewellery stores, restaurants and Smile Rock Girls A Go Go. Well the last one’s sorted anyway. A mandatory seminar for 150 convicted drunk drivers was held in a Pattaya college a couple of weeks ago to impress on them the evils of the demon drink when driving. The workshop ended at 5pm but most of the attendees hung around as the Happy Hour at the college bar didn’t start until an hour later. Finally, the Prime Minister and a few of his entourage visited U-Tapao Airport yesterday on a fact-finding visit. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to find any facts so they all buggered off. A bit like that last lot of bar raids eh? be seeing you monkeyman DEDICATED TO STEVE ‘SCOOBY DOO’ MCCANN 1972-2016