monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another year, and following a festive season with best mates punching each other’s lights out, celebrities dropping like flies and bars decorated with copious amounts of vomit (in other words, a normal Christmas), welcome to our first look at the dubious goings-on of 2017. It’s been reported that the Prime Minister has stressed the need for Thailand to focus on attracting quality tourists rather than just chasing higher numbers. He might have a point, as the report went on to say that in 2016 Thailand had a total of 32.6 million visitors and tourist revenues went up to the equivalent of $50,000,000. So the average tourist spent just over $1.50 during his stay then. Factoring in previous estimates of farang holiday expenditure, we’ve calculated that the average Chinese tourist must have spent a total of about 5 baht during his stay. Would’ve been jack shit if they didn’t have weak bladders. So what’s all this malarkey about new baht bus routes then? If you believe some of the stories going around then there won’t be any more baht buses on 2nd Road or Soi Buakhao, so if you’re going to Walking Street you’d better find yourself a hotel within walking distance or you’ll probably never see your room again. And why are the routes numbered 4 to 7? What happened to the first three? No doubt it’ll all come out in the wash (probably the dirty linen.) It’s all academic at the moment though, as the baht bus drivers haven’t taken a blind bit of notice of any of it. But the rumour that baht bus fares are to rise to 20 baht was absolutely true. That is, it’s true that it was a rumour. The story itself was horseshit. The long-anticipated inaugural voyage of the new Pattaya-Hua Hin ferry was allegedly cancelled because of… waves. The owners swear that this is the truth, but it sounds like a ferry story to us. Twenty three Indian tourists were fished out of the sea just before New Year after their boat sank off the coast of North Pattaya. The two speedboat owners who came to their rescue advised them to spend a little more on their boat hire next time as 23 people is just a tad too many for one pedalo. Sinking pigs? Beach Road is the place to be if you want to see the very latest Indian supercars… New Year bar news now, and there’s been a few name changes around town. Amethyst has reopened as Gold, and Spice Club, which was the old Shark Club in all but name, is now Shark Club in name as well. Looks like it’s now the dark side of the Moon Club as the lights have been out for a while. And that well-known man about town Mr Egg has opened his own bar called Le Pub on Soi Diamond. The best of British luck to you, sir. A distraught Ruskie turned up at the Police Station last week to report that his pay-as-you-go girlfriend had legged it with his laptop, camera, iPad phone, jewellery and 3500 baht in cash. Only 3500 baht? Silly cow. She should’ve gone with an Indian because, as we know, they’ve always got upwards of 250,000 baht on them when they get turned over. A couple of needy schoolboys had a bit of a result when a pair of donated jeans they were given to keep out the cold were found to have 100,000 baht in the pockets. “I’m well chuffed”, said one of the lads. “Yesterday I didn’t have a pot to piss in and now look at me.” The boys said they would spend the money wisely, which in Thai parlance means they’ll blow the lot on bar girls and Mekhong whisky. Good lads – you know it makes sense. If the baht bus boys find out about this they’ll all want to join (if you dont have a magnifying glass handy, it says "Taxi Racing Club Thailand")... Another look over the shoulder now with a couple of reminiscences from the Monkeywatch of January 2007… “Well, who would have thought it? Just three months after its much-trumpeted opening, the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to be partially closed because of poor construction. This will be administered by minor officials as senior figures don’t have time to deal with such trivial matters - they’re too busy plotting the next bar crackdown to ruin the holidays of any tourists who manage to survive the ordeal of their planes landing on what’s left of the runways. In the best traditions of Hollywood, Fun City now has its name spelled out on Radio Station Hill in 20 metre high letters. They haven’t got it quite right yet, but it does offer an opportunity for tourists who are bored with the Big Apple to visit the big PATAYTA.” Meanwhile, back in 2017, Pattaya was in the naughty corner yet again just after New Year when a video clip of drunks fighting in McDonald’s went viral on social media. Why do people go to McDonald’s if they want to fight? Come to that, why do people go to McDonald’s if they want to eat? A Chinese tourist was arrested by police last week after visiting what he thought was a public toilet… There was a story somewhere last week that Pattaya had been replacing bent manhole covers. Don’t know why they can’t let ladyboys replace their own chastity belts. The government has announced that the 2017 general election is on track - it’ll be held in 2025. And to end, an update to the ferry story. After many delays and postponements, the Pattaya to Hua Hin ferry finally set off on its maiden voyage on January 5. It hasn’t been seen since. be seeing you monkeyman (thanks to short for the taxi pic)

Strangely, not mentioned. Maybe they prefer the English because of their impeccable behaviour when they travel abroad.

I plead guilty but insane. Never heard of craft beer so I did assume it to be a misspelling of draft. Another one bites the dust. Perhaps I should amend it to read "don't think about it." Doh. Oh, and tallguy was spot on. It is indeed on Beach Road just north of Soi 1. Never been in the place but, as you say, sounds like a good night out.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a festive showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to the last of this year’s plunges into the pits of Patts. The powers that be are introducing new rules requiring everyone who wants to stay in Thailand to have a minimum income of 100,000 baht per month or 3,000,000 baht in a Thai bank account. They’ve targeted the citizens of 15 counties in particular as being the ones they want to attract, including England, the United States, Australia, Japan, China and India (no, really). Well, they should have plenty of room for them after they’ve applied these rules and slung all the Thais out. The Thai tourist industry has been warned by a leading bank that it can’t rest on its laurels – presumably because it doesn’t have any to rest on. The Pattaya hotel that was told to demolish its illegally sited swimming pool has now been told that the hotel itself has to come down as well. Quite a tidy solution actually – they can use the rubble from the demolished hotel to fill in the swimming pool. Ever heard the expression “Where do you get all this shit?” We may have found the answer… They say that relations between the USA and Thailand have become a bit frosty of late and this will lead to a reduction of American influence in the country. Sounds good. It means that Thailand can finally tell all the whining human trafficking fantasists to fuck off – if Trump doesn’t beat them to it. It’s been alleged that Thai tour operators have been taking advantage of the swarms of Chinese tourists visiting the country by ripping them off at every available opportunity. In reply, the tour operators said they were pleased that their efforts had been recognised but modestly added that they didn’t think it was fair that they should get all the credit. Speaking of which, it’s now emerged that since the crackdown on so-called zero-dollars package tours, Chinese tourism has dropped by 70 per cent. So maybe the little yellow sods actually like being turned over by scam artists. Silly buggers. Guess it’ll get you up Soi 3 quicker than a baht bus during the rainy season… A slightly busier bar news this month. Amethyst on LK Metro has closed again, but the numbers are to be made up by a new Go Go on the site of the Armageddon Bar. Also just opened on LK is Champagne Coyotes in yet another attempt to give Champagne A Go Go a new neighbour that doesn’t close down before the paint dries. Moving on to Walking Street, Overmind closed (again) then reopened (again) and we are to have two completely new Walking Street Go Gos called Frog and Pacha in the next few weeks as two beer bars convert to chrome pole palaces. Christ, aren’t there enough ropey looking tarts on WS already? The Prime Minister has made a plea to the public to help the economy by only buying Thai products. That’s the Ruskie hookers fucked then. Or not fucked, depending on how you look at it. Panic broke out at the Nashaa Club in Walking Street a couple of weeks ago after a fire broke out, causing thick black smoke to spew out of the premises, closely followed by the 100 or so quality tourists who were in the place at the time. Police have not been able to establish the origin of the blaze, though if the estimated two million baht damage figure proves to be correct, it probably started in the owner’s wallet. The burgers are something to write home about but the beer’s drap (think about it)… Nostalgia time again, with a couple of snippets from the December 2006 edition of Monkeywatch… “There’s been a few comments made about the Climax Bar having a guy sitting outside the bog and charging the outrageous sum of five baht before you can go in and take a leak. Guess they figure that piss taking is a two-way street. Let that be a warning unto ye. Representatives from the Cambodian government have been visiting Pattaya as they plan to use the city as a model for tourism back in their country. On announcement of this news, shares in chrome pole manufacturing companies were said to have hit an all-time high.” The military have started a crackdown on baht buses and motorcycles on Beach Road. Baht buses can now only use one lane of the road (probably the middle one knowing the Thais) and will only be allowed to stop at officially designated places. Anybody getting a feeling of déjà vu? Motorcycles for hire will be banned from parking in many areas and will have to be painted blue for easy identification. If they really want to clean up Beach Road they should try painting the ladyboys blue as well. Finally, it’s been announced that baht bus fares will increase from the traditional 10 baht to an exorbitant 20 baht from the first day of 2017. That’s two entire nations priced out of the market then. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming to visit, and welcome to this month’s look at Fun City, complete with lights and music. Yes, the switches have been thrown and it’s all back on. Tourists are being warned to be wary of what has been described as ‘Thai noodle bus poisoners’. Dunno what a Thai noodle bus is or why anybody would want to poison one and it’s unlikely that any tourists do either. Why do they waste our time with this shit? Pattaya police have arrested a drug dealer who was posing as a policeman and selling illicit substances to teenagers. The man claimed he was the victim of unfair treatment as police are regularly posing as drug dealers with complete impunity. He threatened to make a complaint but changed his mind after the situation was explained to him with the aid of a couple of police batons. The fully automated multi-storey car park at Bali Hai Pier finally opened last month, offering motorists the opportunity to watch their cars being picked up and slotted into seven storeys of parking spaces by a team of robotic arms. Huh. They had a car park like this in Thunderbirds 50 years ago. This place was supposed to open three years ago so there must have been one hell of queue to get in. Always said that boy would never come to anything… A Thai bloke had to be rushed to hospital last week after a sex game went wrong and he got a cock ring stuck on his dick that had to be removed with a pair of bolt cutters. Turned out that the so-called cock ring was actually a curtain ring. That’s what comes of trying to do things on the cheap. Silly bugger. Time for another trip down memory lane courtesy of Monkeywatch in November 2006… “Following an article in a local newspaper entitled ‘Police Bring In Iron Bar Attackers’, a spokesman for the Pattaya police said he would like to make it clear that this was an arrest and not an intake of new recruits. In a move that will no doubt inspire confidence in us all, twenty-two Pattaya traders have been presented with plaques signifying that they have passed food safety and hygiene standards at a ceremony led by Mr Uttalee Krappatit, a member of Pattaya City Council. They will now all be entered into a prize draw for a complimentary stomach pump.” Pattaya authorities have decreed that the Bali Hai Sunset Restaurant is to be demolished by November 22. That’s a bit harsh. If they don’t like the food, why don’t they just knock a star off or eat somewhere else? Big C - open as usual? Yeah, so is bloody Mosul… Bars news now, and we start with the tale of Amethyst. Now, Amethyst has reopened on LK Metro despite reports that it was to relocate to Walking Street. Except that it actually has relocated to Walking Street and is called Pheromone. So the place that’s called Amethyst isn’t actually Amethyst – except that it is, because that’s what it’s called. You can’t really follow that so it’s probably just as well that there’s bugger all else to report, except that Walking Street is to have a new Go Go called Bypass, probably because after a night in there you’ll most likely need one. There’s a story going round about some Kraut who killed his wife and chopped her up so he could nick her cash to fund a trip to Patts. So what’s the problem then? That old chestnut of a plan to demolish the west side of Walking Street has reared its head yet again. Basically, the new idea is to spend 1.5 billion baht on destroying Pattaya’s tourist industry by replacing it with a public park and marina that will be of no interest to anyone, much like previous similar projects. The university researchers who came up with this proposal are now on their way to New York with their latest plan to demolish the Statue of Liberty and replace it with a Donald Trump Theme Park. Tourists can still often be seen enjoying the traditional Pattaya game of ‘Spot The Stinking Pig’… Crime in Thailand is on the decline. Well, it is according to the Police Public Affairs Division anyway. Perhaps they should check to make sure that graph of theirs is the right way up. In yet another attempt to boost tourism, there’s a new app been launched called ‘Destination Thailand’ that purports to provide up to the minute information on travel, lifestyle, tourism, art, culture, food, entertainment and MICE. So if you want to know all there is to know about mice (or Mice City?), this is the app for you. And to end, a tale of the unexpected, namely going to a Go Go and being told by a doorman that the place was “for members only”. So that was it. Courtesy of a myopic minion, monkeyman became a stinking pig. Poetic justice, eh? be seeing you monkeyman

Tell that to Gary Glitter.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, good mourning to you all, and welcome to another selection of dirty deeds from Stinking Pig City. You know, the demographic in Pattaya is definitely shifting. There’s a more well-off breed of Indian coming onto the scene, chaps who can afford to ride on baht buses and have a drink and a Beach Road slapper all to themselves. At the same time, the affluent Nips and Koreans have now been joined by their less well-heeled countrymen, the oriental equivalent of the stinking pig known as the Cheap Chow Li. They can be seen in bars and Go Gos all round town now sitting on their own nursing the draught beer they bought two hours previously and steadfastly refusing to buy any lady drinks. It’s confusing the hell out of the girls – they just don’t know who to schmooze any more. Somebody recently commented that there weren’t many Indians in Pattaya at the moment. Reckon they must have been on about the ones with bows and arrows and war paint as the place is crawling with the more familiar variety. A veritable sea of spectacles and moustaches - the bloody place looks like a Groucho Marx convention. Every night you can see hordes of the malodorous little buggers swarming towards the Indian Restaurant on Soi 1 known locally as The Stinking Piggery. Probably only a matter of time before the sods start stampeding like they do in Mecca. And now, a baht bus tale. In the wee hours a few nights ago, the vehicle in question was parked and waiting for a couple of passengers to make up a full load of Walking Street drunks before setting off northwards. A couple of Indians were sitting at the back, one of whom was leaning over and honking up every 30 seconds or so over the platform at the rear of the bus. Clearly unaware of this, a respectable looking middle-aged Korean chap got on and stood on the platform facing backwards. The Indian who wasn’t giving the performance tried to warn him by prodding him in the back and shouting “Vomit! Vomit!” but the hapless Oriental ignored him until the inevitable happened. Without even looking round, he then quietly disembarked and walked away, shaking his right leg every second step. Guess he was trying to preserve some modicum of dignity, though it’s pretty hard to look dignified when you’ve got some stinking pig’s puke running down your bum crack and out of the leg of your shorts. If you’re leaving your car on Soi 1, it’s a good idea to avoid parking on the wet cement… Despite what some would have you believe, nudity definitely seems to be making a comeback in the Go Gos. Been in more than one where there was reportedly no nudity and every girl on the stage was stark bollock naked. Just a case of hanging around for the right point in the dancer cycle, methinks. Police were called to Second Road after a Chinese bloke on his first visit to Thailand reported that a ladyboy had snatched his gold necklace worth 60,000 baht (yeah, right). The man was distraught and said he doubted that he and his travelling companions would ever visit Thailand again. So that’s 500 cheap tourists and one stick with a flag on it gone forever then. Those of you who complain about the quality of Go Go Bars in Pattaya should take a trip over to Jomtien and visit We Are No 1 Go Go Bar. Can’t argue with the name, though it isn’t difficult to be No 1 when there aren’t any others. The inside of the place looks like the set from The Munsters and the dancers are a sight to behold – your average hotel room cleaner is younger and better looking than any of ‘em. One definitely looks like the she’s the wrong side of 60 and the rest aren’t too far behind. Add that to the katoey who seems to be running the place and you’ve got a real winner on your hands. Watch out for the Robbie Williams video in there. Robbie’s co-star is the best looker you’ll see in the place. Yeah, you guessed it, it’s ‘Me And My Monkey’. Have fun. Yet another fast food joint has opened on Beach Road – Kentucky Fried Elephant… Bar news is a bit thin on the ground again. Kiss A Go Go has reopened after its refit and Las Vegas III has reopened as so Nice A Go Go. Looks like The Sea has finally sunk and will resurface as a beer bar. And that’s about it. In another master stroke to promote tourism, the local immigration authorities have decided that foreign visitors must spend their entire stay at the address they registered with immigration on arrival or face a fine of 4000 baht. Could be a bit annoying if you’d planned to step outside your hotel room at some point during your visit. Reports are coming in that workmen supported by the military have been deployed in Soi 6 to get rid of what have been described as ‘encroaching structures’. Not sure what they’re on about – perhaps they’ll be telling all the girls with silicone implants not to sit outside. We never do… Another dip into the past now with a wee excerpt from Monkeywatch back in October 2006. “Pattaya City Hall recently hosted a seminar for a group of school students to discuss male and female sexuality, and to inform them of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. They were particularly warned about the dangers of anal sex, which was described to them as “anal vice”. This unfortunately caused confusion among some of the students who had thought this to be a song from ‘The Sound Of Music’.” Jomtien residents have allegedly been complaining that the trees on the shoreline are making the place too dark by obscuring street lights. One wonders if these ‘residents’ have any connection to the bunch of cowboys who were paid exorbitant amounts of money to vandalise the trees on Beach Road. Local officials recently organised a youth march through the district to demonstrate against corruption and to teach the young people about morals, values and ethics. However, the march ended after only 10 minutes when local businesses gave in to the demonstrators and offered them 500 baht each to go home. Finally, some late news on bar closures. They’re all closed…or are they? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and core coon crap for joining us in raking through our latest selection of droppings from Mice City (still think they should’ve called it Rat City.) The PM has said that he wants the Thai media to be the “mouth, eyes and ears” of the country. Interesting that he’s comparing them to parts of the human body. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to return the compliment. A taxi driver has been fined after a female passenger videoed him spanking his monkey while eyeing her up in his rear view mirror. The man claimed that he was only scratching an itchy thigh but was unable to explain why his dick was clearly on display so he was fined 2000 baht. The judge added that the fine would have been much larger but for the fact that such an abysmally inadequate apology for a penis was unlikely to prove intimidating to any but the most nervous of women. So you see, size really does matter. Acting on a tip-off, Chonburi police intercepted a van last week and seized 600,000 yabba tablets along with a Thai man who they suspect is a major drug trafficker, despite his insistence that he’d just been to the local pharmacy to collect his prescription. Pattaya is pressing ahead with its plan to be twinned with Stonehenge… Archive time now, so here’s a couple of snippets from the September 2006 edition of Monkeywatch. “In what’s presumably an attempt to impress somebody or other, Pattaya City Council has given the go-ahead for the construction of a 91-storey condominium tower on Jomtien Beach Road, which will give them the almost slightly amazing reputation of having the world’s tallest residential building. Critics of this enviable erection include the Immigration Authorities, who are concerned that it will attract hordes of end-it-all jumpers whose visas may expire before they hit the ground. Just remember to keep looking up as you walk past, eh? The boys in brown have been taking a tough line on drink-driving recently, so visitors would be well advised to stay within the prescribed limits when taking to the highway. However, as the current drink-drive limit is 32 bottles of Singha, three bottles of Mekhong whisky and a gallon of paint stripper, this shouldn’t prove to be too much of a daunting task for the average tourist.” It’s been announced that the Thai Police Force is to double in size. Guess they must be giving them luncheon vouchers for McDonald’s. City Hall has banned deckchairs and beach umbrellas from Pattaya Beach after a group of Chinese tourists (yes, them again) were put to flight by irate beach chair vendors. The vendors, it seems, were incensed that the tourists had brought their own chairs and shades so were not paying them any money. The tourist then complained to City Hall who sent a team to the beach to put banning orders in place. One of the vendors claimed they had only asked the hapless Yellow Peril to move away because they might get sand in their desserts. However, it was the vendors who got their just deserts, and they won’t be getting sand in them as they’ve been banned from the beach until September 9. Wonder if that date’s significant? Following concerns that the uniforms worn by the Tourist Police Volunteers made them look a bit too much like Nazis, they’re trialling an informal new look, as demonstrated here by a member of the local TPV force… This month’s bar news is petty sparse. One bit of good news is that afternoon Go Go opening has resumed in some quarters. And World Wide A Go Go has closed for two months – which might be regarded by some as another bit of good news. Following an investigation by the Department of Special Investigation Bureau of Special Crime 3 (another catchy little name), a local lawyer had his premises raided and was found to be in possession of a dozen chimpanzees and a quantity of washing powder. He was arrested and will appear in court next week to face a charge of monkey laundering. The proposed launch date of the Pattaya to Hua Hin ferry has finally been announced. The proposed sinking date has been set for a few days later. City Hall has planted a new tree to welcome Chinese tourists to Pattaya… The Tourist Authority of Thailand has announced a new plan to attract quality tourists back to Thailand. I suppose you’re thinking you’ve heard it all before. Well, you’re gonna hear it all again. Quality tourists are now apparently defined by the length of their visit and the amount of money they spend. So they’ve launched a new drive to attract more Chinese and Indian visitors. Yeah, right. You couldn’t make it up – and we didn’t. Anyone for the next plan? A quarantine area has been set up after fifty drums of toxic liquid were discovered in a local sand pit. A local health official said “No problem. We’ll do what we always do. Bottle it up and flog it to the bars.” So that’s it for this month, and amazingly, we’ve managed to complete the whole of this edition without saying ‘stinking pig’… oh, bugger. be seeing you monkeyman

Sleuth

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for joining us, and welcome to our summertime stroll through the cesspits of Sin City. We start this month with the startling news that the Chinese have been banned from Thailand – well, the government have banned gatherings of more than five people so it comes to pretty much the same thing. It was all to do with this referendum thingy where Thais got the chance to vote whether they supported the new constitution or whether they were in favour of it. Tough choice. Research has shown that Thai women have some of the smallest breasts in the world, though this is counterbalanced by Thai men who have some of the biggest. However, this is again counterbalanced by Thai men having the second smallest penises. Beaten into second place by the Japs, presumably, with the Indians getting the bronze medal. And they call this research? Where do they get all this shit? Deckchair vendors on Beach Road have been whingeing that their takings this year have been crap compared to the previous 12 months. They blamed everyone from the government to the City Hall Planning Department and the local Tourist Board, but curiously forgot to mention that during this period they’d doubled their deckchair rental charges. Must have slipped their minds. “Well the media said that politicians buried their heads here…” Reacting swiftly to the latest round of bomb attacks, the government has announced that anybody carrying a rucksack or looking a bit like an Islamist will be shot on sight. The army and police are to be given extra ammunition in case they encounter a group of Muslim backpackers. The Muzzas aren’t the only ones in the firing line though, as Chinese tourists have started complaining about feeling insulted by the Thais. That’s most unfair, I mean why pick on the Thais? At least they don’t scrawl obscenities in Chinese passports like the Vietnamese border guards have been doing. A bar owner in Britain has created a mobile-free zone by covering his premises in copper wire, thus forcing his customers to interact with each other instead of spending all evening wearing their thumbs out. Interesting idea - if they tried this in Pattaya we might be able to get the Go Go girls to give us more than five consecutive seconds of their obviously valuable time. If you want to rent a motorised pogo stick, this is your man… Bar news now, and the crackdown on afternoon opening seems to be hitting the early doors Go Go trade with the closure of Las Vegas III. The first of many, one suspects. The newly-relocated Beach club also closed, but reopened after some renovation work to make it vaguely habitable. Bad Girls on Walking Street joins that select group of bars that managed to close down before it even opened. And there’s a new alleged Go Go opening on Soi 6 called Working Girls, though the name’s unlikely to be understood by most of the staff. There seems to have been yet more delays to the catastrophic Central Pattaya Tunnel project. The rumour is that construction workers heard scuffling noises then the ceiling fell in and they were buried under a pile of around 50 Syrians who’d got lost tunnelling their way out of Damascus. Streuth, it was never like this in The Great Escape. Who can forget the immortal line “They’ve found Tom!” when the first tunnel was discovered, though in the case of Pattaya the discovery of the second tunnel might have been more apt. Time for a bit more nostalgia with some crime story snippets from Monkeywatch back in August 2006… “A couple of the local police had an unpleasantly excremental experience the other week. They were trying to get a particularly drunken disco reveller to take a urine test and the bloke followed through. Now they really are the boys in brown. A shop owner on Sukhumvit Road recently reported to Pattaya municipal police that he had been beaten up by three men, one of whom he reckoned was a police officer. The other two sound like promising recruits though, don’t they? Pattaya Tourist Police opened their new headquarters a few weeks ago after moving from Second Road. This was generally reckoned to be a good move, though there were some who felt that the new location should have been a little further away from Beach Road. The most popular suggestion was Baghdad.” Engineers have been called in after local children complained that their new swings were a teeny bit too high… It’s been reported that Thailand and Burma (none of that Myanmar nonsense here) have joined forces to seal off the notorious Golden Triangle region in order to stop drugs getting in. Hmmm, don’t think they’ve quite grasped the problem there. Thailand has invited the British to invest in their country in order to use it as a gateway to other countries in the region. Someone should tell them that the best way of getting Brits to invest more is to extend bar opening times and reduce barfines. Finally, a Thai bloke was arrested last week for impersonating a police officer after he was found in a hotel room wearing a uniform and fake ID he’d bought on the internet. He said that he’d never used the uniform to extort money or cause trouble so he was clearly innocent of the alleged offence, but the real police weren’t amused and charged him anyway. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to more Mice City Stories (nice one, Itty.) Well, the Pattaya zoning saga has taken a new turn, with the announcement that entertainment venues in Walking Street and Beach Road (Zone 1) can now stay open until 4am, while all the others (Zone 2) must close at 2am. Five year closures have been threatened for any infractions. However, no opening times have been specified so in theory they can all reopen five minutes later. Let’s keep an eye on Insomnia and JP Bar. Apart from that, in the last month we’ve had muggings, knife fights, shootings, stabbings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings, extortion…and floods. Just the place to bring the family after they’ve had their lights punched out in Hua Hin. Here’s a strange story. A Thai woman took her grandson to a store in Chantaburi to buy him a tablet (the electronic kind). When it turned out she couldn’t afford the one he wanted, he started having a hissy fit so she dragged him to the kitchenware department, grabbed a knife and held it to his neck. Police were called and arrived a few minutes later, followed by the local mayor. After 15 minutes or so, the mayor managed to convince her to release the boy and, after further negotiations in the canteen over a coffee and a fairy cake, to hand over the knife. He then bought the tablet for the boy and gave them both a lift home. There’s a moral to this story, but we’re buggered if we know what it is, though we understand that the most popular birthday gift for kids to give to their grandmothers is now a kitchen knife. The latest sporting craze to hit Pattaya is drain snorkelling… Time for a bit of nostalgia now with a Monkeywatch snippet from July 2006. In yet another exciting piece of news, City officials are currently engaged in talks with the Royal Thai Navy about sinking two disused ships in Pattaya Bay to create a habitat for the local marine life. And if that’s a success, they’re thinking of sinking two Soi 6 bars as a habitat for the local pond life. Following the Brit decision to Brexit from the EU, the Frogs are looking for somewhere new to unload the hordes of itinerant stinking pigs they inherited as part of their membership of that venerable organisation. How about Thailand? That bridge must be overdue for a refurb by now. The thing is, Brits don’t really understand why refugees make a bee line for their country in the first place. As one pointed out, “When we were being bombed by the Germans during the war, we didn’t all fuck off to Syria, did we?” A group representing Thai sex workers has asked for the country’s prostitution laws to be reviewed after recent raids had left the ladies too scared to access health and sex education programmes for fear of retribution. One story is that sex workers queuing up to access such services were arrested by police. As prostitution laws are currently being scrutinised in England, advice was sought from the British police but they were too busy investigating sexual abuse allegations against Oliver Cromwell. Pattaya introduces a new concept in accommodation for the budget tourist - build it yourself hotel rooms… Bar news next, and Amethyst on LK Metro is the latest bar to bite the dust – but only because it’s moving to Walking Street. Something to do with the new zoning, mayhap? Casnovy, on the other hand, isn’t moving anywhere as it’s closed for good. Word is it’ll become another Blue Sky live music bar. The Champion has also closed, though sister bar Champion a Go Go is still with us at its new location in Soi Lucky Star. However, Diamond A Go Go has reopened and we have yet another new Go Go called G-Spot on Walking Street (though their website bizarrely gives their location as Soi 15 next to Misty’s). Bad Girls A Go Go is also due to open shortly next to Insomnia. Police arrested 37 passenger van drivers last week after they were found to be carrying weapons including guns, knives, batons, baseball bats and axes in their vehicles. The drivers admitted the offences but explained that these items helped them to explain their complex fare structure to complaining passengers. Two Thais were arrested last week for giving an Iranian bloke a good kicking in South Pattaya. Police wouldn’t give any clues as to the reason for the assault other than to say it was nothing to do with the man being a stinking pig, presumably to deflect any suggestion that the attack might have been racially motivated. Another PR triumph there, lads. Pass the cigars round. Police are called in after another wheelie bin is found murdered on Beach Road… In another effort to improve the country’s image, tourists in Bangkok and Pattaya are being reminded to beware of scams operated by some tuk tuk and baht bus drivers such as driving off without giving change and taking passengers to unwanted destinations such as jewellery stores, restaurants and Smile Rock Girls A Go Go. Well the last one’s sorted anyway. A mandatory seminar for 150 convicted drunk drivers was held in a Pattaya college a couple of weeks ago to impress on them the evils of the demon drink when driving. The workshop ended at 5pm but most of the attendees hung around as the Happy Hour at the college bar didn’t start until an hour later. Finally, the Prime Minister and a few of his entourage visited U-Tapao Airport yesterday on a fact-finding visit. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to find any facts so they all buggered off. A bit like that last lot of bar raids eh? be seeing you monkeyman DEDICATED TO STEVE ‘SCOOBY DOO’ MCCANN 1972-2016

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap encore une fois (learned that in the Frog Bar), and welcome to this month’s instalment of Pattaya unzipped. Better do it quick before the military takes over on Thursday and puts us up against a wall. Police paid a visit to Bali Hai pier after complaints from locals that five Chinese blokes dressed up as Magic Monkeys were touting for cash from tourists in exchange for a bit of dancing and other assorted malarkey. On seeing the approaching boys in brown, three of the monkeys had it away on their toes a bit sharpish but the remaining two weren’t quick enough and ended up having their collars felt. They were taken back to the police station and told if they wanted to extract money from tourists they’d be better off ditching the monkey outfits in favour of dressing up as women and hanging around Beach Road. Just a thought, but if they were dressed as Magic Monkeys, how could the locals tell they were Chinese? Those of you who don’t mind using squat toilets in Thailand should take heed of what happened to a Thai bloke when he went to do his ablutions in his own home. There he was, squatting away and minding his own business when a 10 foot long python shot up through the hole and buried its fangs into his dick. The man said the snake was “yanking very hard” on his gentleman’s sausage until his wife came along and pulled him off. Don’t know why she bothered – sounds like the snake was doing okay on its own. Anyway, our hero clearly didn’t appreciate this strange menage a trois as he’s now planning to replace his squat toilet with a sitting one. Wonder what the python’s planning? Still, he was better off than another Thai bloke whose wife cut his dick off altogether when she found out he’d been shagging her best friend (possibly ex-best friend now.) Strangely, when this was reported in the media they gave him an alias ‘to avoid embarrassment’ but published several photos of him during the aftermath of the attack, most of which showed his face quite clearly (but not his dick, wherever that was.) There you go then, embarrassment avoided, job done. Unbelievable. If Pattaya hotels are to attract quality tourists, the highest level of fixtures and fittings is essential… Okay, here’s this month’s dip into the Monkeywatch archives from 10 years ago. Anyone remember this little incident from June 2006? “In another bit of news on bar busts, the word is that the boys in brown have decided to drop all charges against the showgirl at the centre of the Top Girls gerbil show controversy as they’ve been unable to track down the offending rodent. A police spokesman said that they’d questioned the girl for several hours but hadn’t managed to get anything out of her.” The Transport Minister has given the green light for development of Pattaya Ferry Port within the next 12 months. Let’s see if it has more effect than the red lights do. The local Employment and Social Security Offices have joined forces for this Year’s Pattaya Jobs Fair and have appealed to the public for donations that might assist local people to find gainful employment. So far they’ve received some second hand chrome poles, a couple of fake watches and a plastic bag full of yabba tablets. This year’s underwater farting contest produced some impressive results… Bar news now, and Shark club has reopened as Overmind, but it probably doesn’t matter. There’s also a new Go Go opened in the Soi Buakhao area that goes by the name of Fairy Club. So now we have clubs called Queens, Iron and Fairy. Do you think they’re trying to tell us something? Police were contacted by a small hotel in Central Pattaya last Wednesday following an incidence of theft from their premises. It seems that a Thai bloke in a sharp suit booked into the place and then was seen driving away shortly afterwards. On checking his room, they found that a large flat screen television had gone missing, along with a big mirror, some shower gel and a quantity of soap (sounds like he made a clean getaway.) The staff were questioned by police but were unable to explain how the man was able to get a large television through the lobby without anyone noticing. They did, however, explain why there was no CCTV recording of the theft – the bloke came back and stole the CCTV equipment while they were checking out his room. A one-way traffic experiment in East Pattaya was declared a failure after it was discovered that most of it never actually came back. However, City Hall declared it to be a work of genius and plan to introduce the system on Beach Road as soon as possible. An area of Pattaya Beach has now been reserved exclusively for people with big arses… Pattaya has yet another new Police Chief. Early days yet, but first impressions are that he understands what is expected of him and he’ll be less of a threat to the status quo than Francis Rossi (do another Frantic Four tour, dicksplash.) Last Tuesday evening, five massage parlours were raided by a team of Pattaya Police, Tourist Police (what did it have to do with them?) and over 100 ‘volunteers’ (why did they volunteer?) They drew a complete blank at all the venues and later announced that they were pleased to see there is no human trafficking in Pattaya. Well, we knew that already, and so did they. Word is they checked some Thai places out in the sticks and found some things going on. Some say they were paid to look the other way, so they did and it was going on over there as well. Finally, following feedback from the Improvement Project 2012-2015, the soon to be ex-mayor reportedly said he’d like to see Pattaya become a “New Horizon: in Active Beach – Mice City – World Sport Destination – World Class Smart Tourism City – Asian Super Cluster.” Well, wouldn’t we all? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap, and core coon crap for dropping in to celebrate an unbelievable 10 years of this disreputable little diatribe. To mark this auspicious occasion, there’s a new feature (not before time) to remind us of things gone by, but more of that later. On with the news. Have you heard about the new top-end tourist attraction in Pattaya that took 10 years to build and cost 200 million baht? Well you won’t now, cos it burned to the ground last Friday shortly before it was due to open its doors for the first time. Stop sniggering at the back. Local police have equipped 50 of their officers with helmet-mounted cameras to “help them better document their work”. The officers said they liked the idea in principle but were finding it difficult to fasten the zips of their trousers. A man burgling a house on Soi Chaiyapun was so shocked when confronted by the owner of the property who turned out to be a local police officer that he dropped dead on the spot. Absolutely shocking. The police shouldn’t be wasting time arresting criminals when there’s a whole city full of bars to be raided. An update has been issued about how the Pattaya Beach clean-up measures are going. It said “Badly.” In an attempt to reduce crime, Pattaya has introduced its own version of on-the-spot fines… Right, time for the new feature. Every month there’ll be a story from exactly 10 years ago to remind us of how things have (or haven’t) changed. So here we go with a snippet from the very first Monkeywatch in May 2006… “The latest news from the government is that all infrastructure projects in Thailand have been suspended. Various plans have been put forward as cost-cutting measures, such as the planned new buses being replaced by conga lines. It’s also been suggested that, instead of building new light rail lines to reduce the number of cars in Bangkok, they could achieve the same result by letting Indians drive the taxis for a couple of days.” The Royal Varuna Yacht Club in Pattaya is to host this year’s Optimist World Championship. The special guest at the event will be the contestant from 2015 who came last but thought he’d done quite well so was declared the winner. Pattaya is the host for The Air, Sea, Land Games Thailand Open 2016 which begins on May 11. The featured sports include Jet Ski, Boating, Rock Climbing, Football, Diving and Shooting, so we can expect an influx of jet ski scammers… (and rock climbing scammers, diving scammers, boating scammers…) All contestants will be tested for drugs to make sure they haven’t forgotten to take them. A crackdown has been ordered against illegal signs as they “block the scenery and make the area look ugly”. If that’s true perhaps they should consider a crackdown on Chinese tourists as well. The annual Pattaya Fishing Contest is temporarily suspended after one of the contestants is suspected of cheating… Bar news time, and the first news is that Only O on Soi Diamond has closed. Well actually it’s the last news as well as there’s bugger all else to report. Well, except that Shark Club has closed but the word is that Spice Club is now Shark Club in all but name so in fact it’s Spice Club that’s closed, except that it’s still there so it hasn’t. Glad we’ve cleared that up. Locals have complained to City Hall about all the assorted crap in the water by Bali Hai Pier, saying that the place was starting to look like Pattaya Beach. Officials have agreed that if it looks that bad then urgent action is needed. The former Secretary to the Minister of Education celebrated his 64th birthday last week at his Pattaya home. Christ, that must have set the local society calendar on fire. No wonder then that the media saw fit to report on this fascinating event. And they call that news? They’ll be reporting on somebody falling into a fish pond next. It’s been reported that a Thai man fell into a fish pond in South Pattaya last Friday. The incident took place in a temple on Moo 10. A spokesman said “The man is as well as can be expected under the circumstances. He’s dead.” He was apparently discovered by a monk while he was cleaning out the pond. Well, you know how it is. You’re cleaning out a fish pond, your mind on other things. You probably don’t notice the odd corpse floating around for a while. Beach vendors who complained about the filthy old bags on Beach Road have said they would like to make it clear that they were referring to the sand bags put in place last year to prevent beach erosion… Residents in Thepprasit have complained to City Hall about large quantities of septic waste being dumped in their vicinity. They were promptly sent on their way after being told that American tour groups had as much right to visit the area as anyone else. Here’s a bit of a twist. An incident was reported in Naklua a few days ago in which a Thai was given a kicking by seven tourists. Now that’s a real man bites dog story – except it doesn’t have a dog…or a bite. Police announced last Tuesday that they had arrested three major drug dealers, one of whom had been found to be in possession of four yabba tablets. The phrase ‘must try harder’ springs to mind. Like in the good old days when police found a bloke with a few hundred yabba tablets hidden in his anus – probably the most effective anti-drugs message they’d ever issued. City Hall has launched a new initiative called ‘Preventative Measure for Life and Belongings of Tourists’ (where do they get all these catchy little names from?) in order to “enforce zero crime against tourists.” They’ve even introduced a mascot called “Mr Care For You” to ensure the campaign’s success. Well that’s it then, job done. We can all put our gold chains back on and stuff our baht into our back pockets in complete safety. Apart from the four people who showed up at the police station less than 48 hours later to report that they’d been robbed by ladyboys. Finally, a big thanks to all of you who’ve supported this squalid little publication with your patronage and kind comments over the last 10 years. Without your support, we wouldn’t still be here after all this time. So you’ve got a lot to answer for. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to April, which is forecast to be a wet month in Pattaya. No shit, Sherlock. Another Chinese tourist was the victim of a drive-by gold neck chain robbery a couple of weeks ago when, like last month, the victim had the chain snatched from around his neck by a passing motorcyclist. The tourist, a Mr Phat Phuk, was out celebrating his birthday in North Pattaya when he was robbed of the necklace, which he claimed was a Cartier and worth 250,000 baht. A street vendor later told police he’d sold the necklace to Mr Phuk for a mere 500 baht as he hadn’t realised it was so valuable. Following complaints from locals, police raided an abandoned house in Naklua last week and found a couple of dozen teenagers drinking and consuming a variety of drugs. The teenagers all admitted the offences, saying they had little else to do in the evenings since the police closed down their bridge club. Many businesses have collapsed in Pattaya over the years, but none quite as literally as the one in Soi VC which crashed to the ground, taking three electric poles and a quantity of electric cables with it. The building was already in the process of being demolished, so the injudicious use of a jackhammer by the Thai contractors merely speeded the process up a little. This will be of little comfort to the owner of the site who now has to pay for the contractors, the repair work to the electricity supply and a further 150,000 baht to replace the damaged poles. Just another day in paradise. This fine piece of machinery is owned by a local exporter… or is it an ex-porter?.. A seminar and workshop were held last month at a Beach Road hotel aimed at promoting Muslim tourism. Reservations were expressed by some attendees, though there was an enthusiastic response from Indian tailors who are already said to be planning ahead by producing waistcoats with at least 20 pockets. An employee is suspected of being responsible for a Central Road hotel room break-in which an Indian couple were robbed of 40,000 baht and an iPhone 6 …and a dozen Faberge eggs, an original painting by Matisse, the Kohinoor diamond, the Ark of the Covenant and a signed copy of the Koran. Police are making further enquiries before the submission of the insurance claim. Better still, a local publication carried a story entitled ‘Indian Businessman Stolen In Pattaya Hotel’. Audacious theft or misprint? Probably the latter, as it’s hard to imagine that there’s much demand for them on the black market. Pattaya has set up its own system to search for extra-terrestrials. Curiously, the detection units seem to be pointing towards the streets… Bar news now, and the last month has seen Infinity A Go Go close then reopen under new management. Bliss A Go Go opened as planned to keep the numbers up but then both Gentlemen’s Club and the Sea on Soi Diamond shut up shop to keep them down again. Even Champion A Go Go has gone south, though literally in this case, as it’s moved from its time honoured location on Walking Street to Soi Lucky Star and to a further location on Soho Square. And FLB Bar has reopened – as a kebab shop. The times they are a changin’. The Chonburi Immigration Service has deported a man back to Russia following a request from the Russian Embassy. The man was described as a Russian mobster wanted for corruption, fraud, drugs, prostitution and money laundering. Or, to put it another way, a Russian. After years of threats about low-hanging signs in Walking Street, City Hall have finally taken action and sent workers in to remove the offending signage. Any sign less than 5.5 metres from the ground is to be cut down and thrown away. Sounds like the bars are going to have to find some taller hello girls. On Indian reservations they have a pipe of peace. In Pattaya, they have a piece of pipe… A Russian was punched in the face by a Thai on Beach Road after ‘rejecting’ an offer of Viagra and a sex show. When the police arrived, the Russian hid his face from photographers for fear of being recognised and attacked again, saying he didn’t want to fight anybody. Obviously not a hard man then. Perhaps he should have accepted the Viagra offer after all. A couple of Arabs ended up in hospital last Tuesday after being knocked off their motorbike and mugged. A police spokesman said “This sort of thing is totally unacceptable. You can’t have people being attacked and robbed just because they’re stinking pigs”. A Middle Eastern embassy official said he welcomed the sentiment of the statement though he was a little less enthusiastic about the phraseology. Finally, remember that incident in March when some Ruskies pretended to be zombies in a Jomtien restaurant? Well, the word is that they were filming a scene for a new restaurant-based horror movie called ‘I Spit In Your Gravy’. A likely story. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to this month’s special bridge edition. And no, there isn’t a slope on it. It seems that Thailand is fed up of being labelled as a cheap destination and now wants to attract ‘premium visitors’. Like the sort of people who belong to bridge clubs? Having obviously decided that the bridge incident wasn’t enough to put people off going to Pattaya, over 100 police carried out a raid on Walking Street bars and arrested 30 foreigners for not carrying their passports around with them (which we all do of course). Reports say that they were detained at the Tourist Police Station until they produced their passports, which were presumably back at their hotels. Clever trick if you can do it. A Thai bloke was arrested the other week for impersonating a police officer after being reported to the real police by a woman in East Pattaya. She told them that the man had arrested her at an ATM machine on some trumped up charge and tried to extort 20,000 baht out of her to secure her release. It has not yet been established what led the woman to suspect that he wasn’t a real police officer. In Germany, this is a bridge spoiler… In Thailand, this is a bridge spoiler… We heard a rumour that the elderly card players arrested recently in Pattaya have moved to the North of Thailand where they intend to spend their time playing bridge on the River Kwai (quite appropriate, as the law used to arrest them dates back to the Japanese occupation during World War Two). We’ve heard another story that, in order to avoid detection, they now don scuba gear and play their tournaments on the river bed, but that’s all bridge under the water now. Meanwhile, it’s been reported that the Chiang Mai Chess Club have started posting lookouts outside their meetings. A squid vendor was arrested the other Friday after being reported to police for molesting his young stepdaughter. He is now being held in police custody on a charge of squiddy fiddling. When they’re not investigating organised bridge gangs, the Army busy themselves with other important matters of national security like beach umbrellas. They’ve told the Beach Road deckchair vendors that they must have their sun umbrellas either all open or all closed. One vendor complained that this was a bridge too far, at which point his plot of beach was raided by 200 police officers who proceeded to frisk his customers and confiscate 17 credit cards, 12 business cards, 42 postcards and 4 birthday cards. Fortunately for the hapless victims, the total number came to less than 120 cards so they were allowed to go on their way after each receiving a 500 baht fine and a whack over the head with a nightstick. The owner of this helmet was sensible and was wearing it when he crashed. We know this ‘cos his head’s still inside it… Bar news now, and it’s been a quiet month. Harem A Go Go on Walking Street has ‘temporarily closed for renovations’ and Zero a Go Go on LK Metro appears to have closed on a less temporary basis. Beach Club has moved from Soi 15 to Soi Happy and been replaced by Spice Club. On the up side, Bliss A Go Go is getting ready to open on Walking Street. Oh, and three of the Ruskie joints on Walking Street have closed. The party’s over, comrades. A female quality tourist from Scotland was refused entry to Thailand after ripping pages from her passport to wipe her arse while she was pissed out of her mind. Immigration officials listened to her explanation about the missing pages but decided to deport her back to Glasgow on the grounds that she was a shitfaced jock slapper, apparently a specific offence in their rule book. A restaurant in Jomtien was turned into something resembling the set of a horror movie a couple of weeks back when some Ruskie pissheads started acting like zombies and biting the customers. Christ, it must be a pretty shit restaurant if the customers taste better than the food. Shortly afterwards, a chap went in and asked if he could have a seat for lunch and the waiter punched him in the face. Local engineers have come up with another winner – the motorised sandbag… A Thai teenager was arrested by police the other Friday afternoon after he confessed to killing his uncle and burying him in a pig sty. Not a nice way to go, spending your days lying beneath a load of stinking pigs. Ask any Soi 16 bar girl. Police arrested 11 people at a shop in Central Pattaya the other Friday morning after a tip off that alcohol was being sold out of hours and gambling was taking place. The shop owner was charged with making illegal alcohol sales and the rest with illegal gambling, though the much more serious charge of playing bridge while over the age of 65 was dropped. Finally, a Chinese tourist was robbed in Central Pattaya by a bloke on a motorbike who rode by and grabbed a gold chain from round his neck. Police were surprised that the thick chain broke and concluded the thief must have spotted there was a chink in it. No bridges were harmed during the writing of these stories. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to another dose of devilishly dastardly deeds from the past month. Wagons roll. City officials have announced that there’s to be a crackdown on vehicle pollution in Pattaya, with checkpoints being set up at various locations to measure the noxious fumes being emitted by clapped out cars, trucks, baht buses and the like. Never mind all that – farting in bars by clapped out tourists is a much bigger problem since some selfish individuals decided to stop smoking and covering the stench up. A Gentlemen’s Club sign has had to be removed from the wall of a Pattaya temple after several anonymous complaints were allegedly made about its lack of propriety. Fortunately, the situation has been resolved - the head monk now wears it round his neck. Koh Larn is in the news again, this time because a couple of Chinese blokes reported to police that they’d been forced to buy four cheap plastic wallets for 12,000 baht or they’d get a good kicking. Now that’s real pressure selling. However, after further questioning, the men admitted that they might have fibbed a bit and in fact had just been conned into paying a silly price for some worthless crap. Anybody who’s taken out a Sky TV subscription must know what that feels like. Women have triplets, but Thai Police have quads… A Swede was seriously injured the other Thursday after a road crash in North Pattaya. A turnip was also damaged and there’s little hope for the banana or the plums. Another accident on the same road on the same day resulted in a crushed monk. A city official said “Something clearly needs to be done – but we don’t know what it is.” In the latest Pattaya strange tale, a Thai chap smashed a toilet on the floor of a DIY store in Central Pattaya after being refused a replacement for the allegedly faulty item because he’d got cement all over it. Police were called but said they couldn’t take any action as they’d got nothing to go on – much like the bloke who smashed his toilet. It was a case of Cowboys and Indians minus the Cowboys in East Pattaya a couple of weekends ago when four Indian tourists had a scrap with each other that left one of them with a gashed head. The chappie responsible for the injury told police that he’d been attacked by his three ‘friends’ because he refused to go for a drink with them so defended himself by smashing a broken bottle into the head of the nearest assailant. Well, that sounds about as plausible as the average Pattaya travel insurance claim. The others came out with a different version of events but police wisely decided that all the stories were a load of complete and utter bollocks. The men were told in no uncertain terms that this sort of stinking piggery wouldn’t be tolerated and put them all up for deportation. This should impress the quality tourists… Bars news time now, and the sad news for us old stagers is that FLB Bar finally reached the end of the road and closed its doors at the end of January. Well, it didn’t actually have any doors, but you know what I mean. Another piece of Pattaya history bites the dust. We wait to see what manner of phoenix rises from the ashes on this piece of hallowed ground. Another long standing establishment to bite the dust is Super Baby, not to mention Smile Rock Girls (so we won’t.) On the instructions of the Chief of Police, no less than 470 Pattaya police officers were ordered to report to the Hollywood Discotheque on 19 January to undergo drug tests to see if they’d been indulging in illegal substances whilst on duty. All the officers passed the tests with flying colours (surprising) but were told that further tests would be carried out in future and next time no advanced warning would be given (suddenly not so surprising.) Also surprising was the choice of venue for the tests. Why the Hollywood Discotheque? Weird. A Go Go dancer was injured last week after being attacked with a corkscrew by a fellow worker outside their bar. Hospital staff were a little confused when told that the injured lady had been screwed half to death, assuming this to be an occupational hazard in her line of work. Somebody better warn Paul McCartney that Heather Mills is back in town… Chinese tourists have been branded as a bunch of yobbos by their own government after a series of unsavoury incidents in various countries, not least the appalling racket in Suvarnabhumi Airport that was meant to be a collective rendition of their National Anthem but sounded more like a cat sliding down a blackboard. A warning has been issued that further repetitions of this kind of behaviour will result in the miscreants being banned from foreign travel. Wonder if any of the Ruskies fancy a sing song? Pattaya Police have received orders from on high that they must clear their entire backlog of cases by the end of the month. Shortly after the announcement was made public, several hundred Burmese workers were seen running for the hills. And we can’t finish without the story of the month, even though you probably know most of it already. Following a tip off from ‘an informant’, over 50 police officers raided a senior citizens’ bridge club in South Pattaya, apparently because they thought some kind of gambling was going on. The raid came as something of a surprise to the assortment of British, Irish, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Danish, German, Canadian, Australian and New Zealander club members, as they’ve been holding meeting 3 times a week without let or hindrance since well before the end of the last century. Needless to say, the police found no evidence of gambling (because there wasn’t any) so in a desperate attempt to save face they used a little known 80 year old law forbidding anyone to own more than 120 playing cards as an excuse to arrest all 32 players and cart them off to the local nick, taking the cards and tournament records with them as evidence. The hapless geriatrics were held in custody and interrogated for 12 hours then forced to sign confessions that they’d been gambling (even though they hadn’t) before being released on bail – except for one lady who refused to sign and remained incarcerated. And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that one of the arrested players was a former Honorary British Consul. The president of Thailand’s bridge league had to get her arse over to Pattaya so she could explain to the police exactly how the game is played. What started out as a little local story found its way onto BBC TV News, then the British national press picked it up, and now it’s gone viral and spread across the entire planet’s media services, once again dragging Thailand’s reputation through the mire and making it the laughing stock of the world. Mongers of Pattaya rejoice – a few more incidents like this and you’ll have the place to yourselves. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and a very Happy New Year to one and all. Let’s get started. Pattaya Police were told by the powers on high that they should be focusing on drink drivers over the Christmas period to try and reduce the usual carnage on the roads. If the results they achieved are anything to go by, they had even more trouble focusing than the drivers did. The New Year Event at Bali Hai was dubbed ‘Stall Wars’ after police were called in following a dispute between a stall owner and the event’s organisers. The stall owner apparently paid the organisers for a prime spot to set up her barbecue but on arrival was well miffed to discover that she’d been moved from her allotted slot in the food section into the middle of the clothing section. This didn’t go down too well with the clothing vendors who reckoned they’d be lucky to sell anything other than homburgers, smoking jackets, blazers and flares. The organisers are now being investigated for fraud by Pattaya Police and by City Hall, who organised the event. Hang on a minute… The Bali Hai New Year Countdown Concert didn’t fare too well either, with City Hall (yes, them again) considering banning alcohol sales at the event for public safety reasons. Well, that would certainly have made Bali Hai a safer place as there wouldn’t have been anybody there. As it happened, they decided to back off on this one so tradition was upheld and the usual drunken mayhem ensued. Result. In an effort to cut costs, Thai Air has announced the launch of its new budget airline… In a surprise move, Pattaya and Bangkok police carried out raids on two Ruskie Go Go Bars last week, resulting in the arrest of several dancers and punters. The owner of one of the bars, a Mr Lucky Lucianovich, protested that he was a legitimate businessman and demanded to know why the police were arresting his ballerinas and art loving clientele. He added that he would be complaining to the Minister for Culture until police informed him that the Minister had been found hiding under a table during the raid on the other bar. A chap was arrested by Pattaya police last Friday after being caught stealing women’s underwear from a washing line. When questioned, he claimed his name was Arnold Layne and he’d been planning to take a trip on the Trans-Siberian Express but didn’t have anything to wear. He apologised for his actions and said he’ll now go on the normal Siberian Express instead. A group of beach vendors stormed up to City Hall and went apeshit after being informed that they wouldn’t be allowed to pitch tents along Beach Road for the New Year Countdown Festival as they’ve done in previous years. It was explained to them that this was for security reasons related to global terrorism, which they accepted and went quickly and peacefully on their way – mainly because they were told they’d be shot by the military if they didn’t. If they want these MP3 players to sell, reckon they’ll have to make ‘em a bit smaller… Bar news next, and Pandora’s (that seems to be the accepted spelling now) on LK Metro has reopened and is getting the thumbs up all round, as befits its new image as an old school Go Go run by an old school Go Go manager. More please. There’s also another new Go Go on LK Metro in the shape of Touch, which has replaced the defunct Oscar’s. Only O on Soi Diamond closed for a while but then reopened just before Christmas, as did What’s Up Imagine a few days later. A Thai woman is being hunted by Pattaya Police after footage of her stealing money from a shop in Naklua was posted on Facebook. Police have said they are prepared to overlook the incident if she posts further footage on Facebook of her putting the money back again. Lazy buggers. An Australian quality tourist cut himself to ribbons in the early hours of last Tuesday morning after he fell through the glass on the front door of Pattaya Police Station while attempting to leave the premises. Some commented that the man was a pane in the glass and should have been charged with breaking and exiting, and one even had the audacity to suggest that he may have been pissed. Outrageous. Well, that should help tourists no end… Bali Hai was in the news yet again the other Wednesday when one of the Koh Larn ferries was incinerated in a mystery blaze while moored in the port. Unusually for a Koh Larn ferry, it didn’t actually sink – it just set fire to two other Koh Larn ferries that both sank instead. The following Wednesday, the Chief of Banglamung District turned up at Bali Hai to launch the New Year Marine Safety Campaign for Pattaya. Yeah, right. One thing the campaign will focus on is checks on the use of life jackets. One suspects that they may be used quite a lot. A young Russian lad ended up in Pattaya Hospital last week after getting into a fight with a gang of monkeys on Koh Larn. Initial reports claimed one of the monkeys attacked the hapless waif and bit him on the leg, though an eye witness later said of the boy “He started it. He had a pointed stick.” Local residents, who had originally petitioned City Hall to remove the offending monkey from the island, are now demanding that the boy be removed as well in the interests of fair play. Rumours that the two protagonists are being lined up for a rematch at the Fairtex Stadium have been strongly denied by the owners. Finally, a Chinese bloke was arrested in South Pattaya last Tuesday after he was spotted with an automatic pistol and ammunition. When questioned, he said he’d been on wild boar hunt in the jungle but hadn’t found any so decided to go on a stinking pig hunt in Soi 16 instead. Don’t suppose that took very long. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Christmas showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to our festive foray into Fun City. Jingle all the way. The discussions about enforcing the ban on bars in Pattaya being situated within 300 metres of all educational establishments (or 500 metres depending on who you listen to) have been adjourned with no agreement reached. Shame, as we thought this ban was a good idea. There’s nothing worse than the sound of noisy kids when you’re having a short-time in the afternoon. It’s been said that a ban could close many bars in Pattaya, even extending to Walking Street, but they clearly overlooked a much more satisfactory way of complying with such regulations. Close all the feckin’ schools. You hear about people going the extra mile, but half marathon runners in Bangkok ended up going the extra four miles after a cock up by course officials sent them off the prescribed route and along what turned out to be a somewhat lengthy diversion. However, they did set a new record for the world’s longest half marathon and the organisers have offered all participants a free t-shirt by way of an apology, though this will be scant comfort to the bloke who ended up finishing the race in the back of a taxi when his legs gave way after 23 km. Fuckin’ cheat. Pattaya is on a heightened state of alert following reports that two members of so-called Islamic Stinking Pig are on their way to the city in order to blow everybody on Walking Street to buggery. In response to this, police apprehended one Muslim and carried out a controlled explosion on what they thought was a stick of explosive in his trousers but turned out to be his penis. Oh well, at least some good came out of it. Don’t suppose he’ll have the balls to try anything now. Mind you, these Islamists must be a pretty tough bunch if we believe this story on the BBC News website… In a predictable tale, a bloke jumped to his death from a South Pattaya shopping mall, reminding us all that in Pattaya you should always look up as well as left and right before crossing any kind of thoroughfare. In a less predictable tale, a cat jumped to its death from a South Pattaya condo block on the very same day. Police were unable to establish a motive for the incident, but decided that that animal was probably having relationship problems and recorded a verdict of suicide. The next day, yet another suicide was recorded, that of an unemployed welder. Hang on a minute, if he was unemployed then he wasn’t a welder, was he? Anyway, he was found in the toilet of his home in a deceased state of being. Well, if it was good enough for Elvis… And to top it all, a cock was found hung by a noose on a tree in East Pattaya. That’s cock as in bird – the dick jokes have already been done elsewhere. Anyway, this one looks like murder as the bird is reckoned to have lost a few fights too many and cost his owner an arm and a leg. One hung cock? Sounds like a Chinese tourist. Donald Trump’s latest outpouring isn’t a new idea. Some years ago, a Pattaya night spot slapped a blanket ban on Muslim women entering the premises… Bar news now, and first the surprising news that Spanky’s has become a ladyboy bar by the name of Katoeys Are Us. Or perhaps not so surprising as the place was formerly a poofs paradise that went under the name of Limmatquai 80 (named after a place in Zurich in case you were wondering.) Dollhouse is now open at its new location on Soi 15. Taboo A Go Go opened on Walking Street on the site formerly occupied by Fairies and a host of other failed bars – and then promptly closed again. Looks like it’s going to reopen as some kind of disco. Super. Pandors’s on LK Metro has closed already and looks set to be replaced by a new Go Go Bar run by a well-known gentleman previously associated with FLB, Sisterz, Babydolls and Private Dancer to name but a few. And Shanghai A Go Go has opened on Soi Lengkee (just walk down Soi Diana then keep going until you get hopelessly lost.) It’s been observed that the red and white swimming barriers along Pattaya’s beaches have found many other uses apart from the zoning of bathing areas. These include walking, fishing, sunbathing, and of course the most popular of the lot, drowning. An Indian tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station in the wee hours of last Wednesday to report that he’d been assaulted outside a Walking Street Go Go Bar. He claimed he’d been sitting on a motorbike that someone had parked outside the bar while waiting for a friend when the doorman came over and told him to get off the bike. When he argued he was set upon by the doorman and two other men and given a good kicking. He also claimed that after the assault he was robbed of a gold necklace worth 75,000 baht and a wallet containing 3,000 baht in cash. The wallet was later handed in at the police station but the 3,000 baht it had supposedly contained had mysteriously disappeared. The police told him to take his empty wallet and bugger off, and the report was filed under ‘stinking pig stories’ in the station’s fiction department. If you want to know where the Bamboo Bar is, don’t ask anybody who fancies himself as a comedian… A Thai village chief is being commended after handing in a bag containing over $6,000 which he found next to a swimming pool in a Pattaya hotel. Police described the man as ‘a model public spirited citizen’, while his wife described him as ‘a dickhead’. Thailand is supporting this year’s International Anti-Corruption Day with the motto “Transparent Thailand”. Presumably because everybody will see through it in an instant. And finally, on December 5 the King celebrated his 88th birthday. Nobody has made a joke about this yet – and I ain’t gonna be the first. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to our Guy Fawkes edition full of gunpowder, treason and plot… or not. Jet ski operators are to be told that they will be required by law to have insurance in place by the end of the month, according to a statement by local officials. This comes hot on the heels of an emergency meeting called to provide an urgent solution to this most pressing of problems. The meeting took place in September 2013. In a further development of the jet ski saga, Pattaya has opened three so-called ‘dispute centers’ where jet ski related problems can be resolved without recourse to the police. Not sure how these places are meant to sort out the problems – probably two falls or a submission. It’s been announced that Pattaya is to have a new high speed ferry in the near future. An official from the Marine Department said that the makers of the new craft have guaranteed that it will be capable of sinking as least twice as fast as the old ones. Pattaya has always been a Mecca for those wishing to purchase quality part-worn tyres… Deputy Interior Minister Sooty McBoon (or something like that) has announced that Honda Thailand is to distribute 90,000 jackets and 30,000 pairs of socks to residents of 11 northerly provinces to help residents cope with the winter weather. To help even further, they are believed to be providing 10 Honda F1 engines for use as door stops. The local Tourism Authority office has reported that Chinese tourists continue to flock to Koh Larn despite the various ghastly fates that have befallen many of their fellow countrymen while visiting the Land of Smiles. A representative from Zero Coin Tours, a popular Chinese travel company, said “They seemed to be okay with the bombings, rapes and decapitations, so we thought we’d give shipwrecks a go.” Unfortunately, he said it in Chinese and it got translated as “There’s a purple emu urinating on my rubber chicken”. Must be what they mean by Chinese whispers. There’s been some discussion recently where it’s been postulated that the GFE or girlfriend experience is no longer readily available in Patts. Really? We were reading only the other day about a chap who took a girl to his room where she refused to have sex with him, then smashed a bottle over his head and took his money, phone and motorcycle. Now that’s a real GFE for you. The celebrated Beach Road sculpture ‘The Flight of the Pork Scratching’ is currently undergoing some routine restoration… Bar news next, and there’s been quite a few comings and goings of late. LK Metro saw the arrival of Ninja A Go Go and the strangely named Pandors’s (presumably meant to be Pandora’s but the bloke who put the sign up obviously didn’t know his a’s from his elbow.) We also have Only O A Go Go in Soi Diamond, which is quite a mouthful, hopefully. Climax on LK Metro has mutated from a Go Go to a beer bar, though the odd chrome pole is still in evidence. The reported demise of Amethyst Club turned out to be somewhat exaggerated as it reopened the day after. And it seems that Dollhouse is to be reborn, though on Soi 14 rather than Walking Street. Whoopee. The Chinese ‘Gin Jai’ Vegetarian Festival took place a few weeks ago and a special party was laid on to celebrate the opening night of the 10 day event. In best balloon chasing tradition, a group of expats duly showed up but were offered nothing but a bowl of fried rice. Guess they must have arrived too late for the hog roast. Interestingly, Pattaya Public Health Department decided to run a campaign of food hygiene checks around the city during the exact same 10 day period as the festival. A complete coincidence, obviously. Pattaya’s local media services were buzzing last week after video footage of a meteor passing over the city was posted online by several witnesses. However, on further investigation it turned out to be a false alarm, as the footage in question was later identified as being of the winner of a local parachute club’s fart lighting contest. That new McDonald’s on Beach Road doesn’t seem to be very busy… Police were called at the weekend after the body of a man was discovered under a house. Further investigations revealed that the man was the owner of the house and had been lying under it for three or four days. Jeez, I’ve heard of drinking yourself under the table but this takes it to a whole new level – literally. District officials recently decided that 66 of Pattaya’s streets needed to be renamed to help reduce the confusion caused by the current numbering system. Unfortunately, they couldn’t agree on a name for the project so the whole thing was abandoned. And finally, remember this story from last month’s edition? “Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We were then assured that more new pumps had installed and “it would never happen again”. Well, the floods that we were once again told would never happen again have happened again. On October 9…..well, you know the rest.” Well, yesterday it happened again. What was that saying about learning the lessons of history? be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to this month’s sneaky sojourn in Soggy City. Well, the floods that we were told would never happen again have happened again. On September 16, folk were wading around up to their waists in the effluent that had come up through the drains and cars, motorcycles and dead dog dogs were being washed away in the raging torrents. Arriving Chinese holidaymakers stared out of the windows of their tour buses in complete disbelief at the scenes of chaos, carnage and mayhem before electing to leave the place and seek asylum in Syria. We were then assured that more new pumps had been installed and “it would never happen again”. Well, the floods that we were once again told would never happen again have happened again. On October 9…..well, you know the rest. There are so many Chinese tour groups in Pattaya now that the tour guides have taken to putting mascots on top of their sticks so the bunch of cretinous slant-eyed lemmings they’ve got in tow don’t end up following the wrong one. It was certainly something of a surreal experience the other night to witness a group of 30 or so assorted Orientals following a rubber chicken round Walking Street. Still, as they say on Koh Larn, whatever sinks your boat. Never try to get a Thai to work during his T break… There was a bit of a to do in a popular Soi 15 Go Go bar a couple of weeks ago when a power surge knocked out the sound system. Go Go bars definitely don’t work well without music but what can you do? Somebody suggested a singalong like they used to have in the London Underground during the blitz, but most of us decided we’d rather go somewhere else than spend the rest of the evening singing ‘We’ll Meet Again’ and wanking off to old photos of Vera Lynn. Another well-known establishment in the area has started putting on live music shows on Friday evenings, featuring a chap who reportedly didn’t perform on any of the hits of 70’s Brit pop band Brotherhood of Man, an achievement that he shares with me and no doubt with most of his audiences. It’s a good night though – go along and take a look. Anyone walking along Pattaya beach recently would have noticed that a big change has occurred – the complete disappearance of the jet skis. This hasn’t yet been fully explained, though it’s rumoured they’re being lined up to replace the baht buses until City Hall can get the drains sorted out. The Pattaya Engineers Department are currently hard at work removing storm debris from the drainage pipelines and have already cleared out rocks, mud, cement, furniture, a couple of beer bars and most of the new Beach Road promenade. Nice to see that the usual exemplary safety record on Pattaya building sites is being meticulously maintained… Bar news now, and last week saw the closure of Fairies Club (the no name place on Walking Street) after a very short existence. Well, with a name like that it was never going to last long. Ninja A Go Go is due to open shortly on Soi LK Metro. Think we can guess who their target audience is likely to be. Why can’t Indians just get onto a bloody baht bus without having to have a 10 minute conversation with the driver first? Look, if any of you are reading this, the fare is 10 baht, okay? That’s it. Period. Unless the driver accuses you of scratching the bus, in which case it’s 20,010 baht. Actually, there’s a huge amount of Indians in Pattaya at the moment. Christ, the place looks like a Groucho Marx convention. Perhaps someone should tell them that the glasses/moustache/greasy hair look might wow the girls in Mumbai but it doesn’t exactly set the Thai chicks on fire. Haven’t got a bloody clue, have they? Perhaps one day they’ll get to understand Pattaya and end up going home happy instead of with an empty wallet and a perforated arsehole. Three Thai men were arrested last week after they were caught trying to steal Pattaya Beach… Miss Thailand is to pay homage to her country at the Miss Universe 2015 pageant when she plans to appear dressed as a tuk-tuk. She did however make it clear that anyone expecting a ride for 10 baht was likely to be disappointed. It’s been reported that Thai girls like men who shave down below and are particularly partial to blokes with Brazilians. Not true. I showed a group of Thai birds a photo of me standing between Pele and Felipe Massa and they weren’t impressed at all. Finally, Brit snooker stars Jimmy White and Ken Docherty have been spotted around the LK Metro area several times recently. Don’t worry lads, your secret’s safe with me. And anybody who reads The Sun next week. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for stopping by, and welcome to another sideways look at what’s going on, what’s going down, what’s going up and what ain’t going anywhere. Police were called to North Pattaya the other day after receiving reports of a suspicious man in a thick coat carrying a bag full of unusual items. The man was released after questioning and was last seen heading towards the North Pole in his reindeer driven sleigh. The decision by Bamboo Bar to increase toilet charges from 3 to 5 baht still seems to be a hot potato. Though it may seem trivial to some, we should be mindful of the fact that the average Bamboo Bar punter has to take a piss every five minutes. Tourists were alarmed the other Wednesday night when a six foot deep hole suddenly appeared in the Beach Road walkway opposite Soi 9. City officials have agreed that this is a grave situation. Representatives from Nakhon Pathom visited Pattaya a few weeks ago to check out the CCTV security system installed throughout the city to protect our peace and freedom. They now intend to install a similar system in their own province, but at 10 per cent of the cost of the Pattaya system by not bothering to install the 90 per cent of cameras that don’t work. The Provincial Electricity Authority visited Pattaya recently to upgrade the city’s power lines. The improvement is clear for all to see… A Colombian chap was arrested by police after trying to hire a car on Second Road using a fake passport. It was later discovered that the passport was actually genuine and the Colombian was a fake but they deported him anyway. A Pattaya club patronised by young Thais has been closed down after being raided and found to be full of underage drinkers imbibing illegal alcohol outside of lawful opening hours. Police called for a fleet of baht buses to transport the teenage drinkers to the police station, but while waiting for the vehicles to arrive the sprightly youngsters legged it in all directions and haven’t been seen since. The establishment was given a five year closure order but was reportedly sold to the owner’s brother the next morning and reopened the following evening under a very slightly different name. Pattaya is one of the cities chosen to ‘rebrand Thai tourism’ by turning it into a world class sports and family tourism centre (stop sniggering at the back). Amongst other things, the Sports Minister proclaimed that “Pattaya stands out as a leader in water sports”. He must have been on about those shows they used to put on at Champagne A Go Go. In an attempt to detect migrants who try to sneak into Pattaya by boat, officials have installed these stinking pig detectors along Beach Road to alert them to any unwanted arrivals. Trouble is, they’re going off all the bloody time… Bar news time, though there’s next to bugger all to report. Zero A Go Go opened as expected and seems to be living up to its name by going into an immediate crash dive. It’s been said that the best way to sink an aircraft carrier would be to drop some of their girls on it. There was a spot of bother in North Pattaya recently when some scaffolding on a partly completed hotel collapsed and caused damage estimated at 100,000 baht. Christ, it must have landed on the Mayor’s Rolex. Reports of a bomber on a local highway caused a bit of a panic in the area a few weeks ago. However, the bomber in question turned out to be an old A-7E Corsair II that was being moved to the Naval Education Center in Sattahip. These aircraft first saw service during the Vietnam War, a fact which was not lost on a Vietnamese bloke who was dragged away from the scene screaming “Those bastards bombed our noodle shop!” A party of Indian tourists have complained to local tourism officials that the ‘discrete luxury air conditioned accommodation’ they were promised hasn’t quite lived up to expectations… A letter has been sent to Pattaya officials threatening that Indian tourists will boycott the city if something isn’t done about the jet ski mafia who seem to have Indians firmly in their sights. Well, that explains why nothing has been done then. It’s a bit like threatening somebody with a lottery jackpot. Actually, this came up last year as well, when the Indian Ambassador to Thailand brought up the same problem and was assured that urgent action would be taken. Or to be more precise, they told him he was a stinking pig and dunked his head in a bucket of elephant urine. Guess it’s business as usual on the beach then. Security in Pattaya has been tightened since the shenanigans in Bangkok and as early as the next day police were seen checking under cars in Walking Street using mirrors on sticks. These devices have been used in Walking Street before, but mainly during raids on Go Go bars to check if the girls were wearing underwear. A meeting was held in North Pattaya last week to discuss how to raise the standard of the city’s baht bus drivers. Points raised included rudeness, overcharging passengers and bad parking. The drivers said they did these things already but would endeavour do them even better in future. Finally, we’d like to thank the Russians for their recent efforts to make Pattaya a nicer, better and safer place to be, and hope they continue the good work by staying away for many more years to come. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more Tales of the Expected. Game on. The government have announced a new booze ban starting this month that prohibits the sale of alcohol within 300 metres of all educational establishments. The reason given for this is to “curtail underage drinking and the scourge of student violence”. Well, that should work just fine - except with the ones who can walk 300 metres. A sausage vendor turned up at the local nick last week claiming that a man, who he described as “a stinking pig”, had swindled him out of 1000 baht in Soi 6 by giving him a note he later realised to be play money (he must have had a monopoly in the area.) Acting on the man’s description, police went to Walking Street and arrested everybody in Soi 16. Speaking of sausage vendors, two ladyboys are being sought by police after a Russian tour guide alleged they slashed him with a knife after he caught them nicking money and electronic gadgets from his hotel room following a spot of rumpo. Police told him they’d got better things to do than investigate complaints from dipshit commie benders but a low priority investigation is nonetheless believed to be under way. This was apparently spotted by a tourist in Pattaya. Wonder where he got the paint from? In preparation for the rainy season, Pattaya officials are heading up a community project to alleviate some of the problems and have already assisted in the clearing of a 500 metre drain pipe that was blocked with garbage, used condoms, dead Russians and that kind of stuff. They also tried a practice flood clearance using community workers with buckets but this was abandoned after it was noticed that the participants were emptying their full buckets down the drains. Police are looking for a Thai bloke after he allegedly stole 50,000 baht from a North Pattaya food vendor. 50,000 baht? Christ, his food must be bloody expensive. The Workability Asia conference 2015 was held in the Pattaya Hilton on July 8-10 where the main theme was the spotlighting of disabled people in Asia. The idea has now been abandoned as disabled people said they didn’t like being fitted with spotlights. Ungrateful bastards. The growing number of Middle Eastern tourists has prompted Pattaya to introduce parking spaces for magic carpets… A bit more bar news this month, starting with the closure of Maxine’s Club on Soi Diamond . Barely gave the paint time to dry on that one before shutting up shop. It’s now up for sale for two million baht (but to you, one and a half). Climax has opened on the old Funhouse site but is more like the previous incarnation, Club Blu. That old time favourite Hot and Cold is resurfacing as Shonky’s Bar, so it might be worth sticking your nose in. Roxy has disappeared from Walking Street. No surprise there. Eclipse seems to have been replaced by Fairies Club which, despite its name, has no connection with Queen Club or Iron Club. Who comes up these names? If they open a gay place they’ll probably call it Butch Club. Well they won’t be able to call it Tomboy Club, as that’s the new name of Tiger Club, presumably renamed just to remove any lingering doubts as to the orientation of the clientele. Living Dolls One has reopened after a refurb, which seems to have consisted entirely of ripping out fittings and throwing them away. And there’s yet another Go Go opening in the LK Metro area. It’s apparently targeting Japanese tourists and is called Zero A Go Go. That should go down well with the Americans. Bet they won’t be serving B52s. That old mongers’ retirement home, Bamboo Bar, has shocked its elderly clientele by raising toilet charges from a reasonable 3 baht to an outrageous 5 baht. That’s a 67 per cent increase. They used to be free once upon a time, but too many girls from Beach Road were coming in just to use the facilities. A girl who did this was known as a See Free Pee Hoe. Good for a quick Hand Solo, no doubt. Just digressing for a moment, but has anybody noticed that Yoda is the spitting image of former British Prime Minister Harold Wilson? Nong Nooch is reported to be taking on extra staff to cope with the growing problem of rogue elephant droppings… A tour boat captain found himself in hot water after he crashed his two tier vessel into Pattaya Beach, scattering tourists in all directions. The boat remained there for three hours with its engine running until police arrived at the scene. They arrested the man but were unable to obtain a statement as he was so pissed he couldn’t even talk. He has since had his license revoked and is believed to working as a tour bus driver. The annual Pattaya Marathon was held a couple of weeks ago and, as usual, was a walkover for the Kenyan athletes who took all the top places. However, when they crossed the finishing line they carried on running and were last seen heading for the entrance to the Channel Tunnel in Calais. Finally, local immigration officials have been taking lessons on how to better identify foreign criminals. They were told to look out for criminals who aren’t Thais. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for keeping the faith, and welcome to the latest lot of tall tales from the Land of Cheesy Grins. As has been well publicised, 808 Discotheque was raided by the police and the army after photos allegedly showing a girl giving a Korean bloke a blowjob went viral on Facebook. Absolute nonsense. The bloke had lost a button from his flies and the girl very kindly offered to sew it back on for him while he stood at the bar. The photos were taken just as she was biting off the cotton. Honestly, some people have such dirty minds. Some questions do arise from this incident though. Like why the fuck was the army involved? And why do Koreans come to Pattaya for sex when the girls are all pissing off to Korea? Anyway, the place has been closed for 10 days and the couple involved in the incident are to be charged with public indecency, according to senior police officer Superintendent Sukthat. No shit, that really is his name. Definitely the man for the (blow)job. A lady from Laos turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other Saturday morning to report that a Burmese bloke she’d ‘befriended’ on Beach Road and accompanied to a motel had pissed off without paying her the 2000 baht he’d promised to pay for her ‘befriendship’ and his mate had nicked her iPhone into the bargain. The two men were later apprehended on Soi Stinkingpigland 2 and banged up for the duration. Now some people have been saying that this guy was an over payer. Nope, he was a Cheap Charlie, because he ripped her off for twice as much as he would’ve done if he’d only offered her 1000 baht. The more you (don’t) spend, the more you save. A Thai bloke was arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught on CCTV burgling an apartment on Third Road and stealing money, jewellery and a smartphone. When the man was arrested by police on Soi Buakhao, he immediately shat himself and had to be taken back to the police station for a change of clothes. Now that’s a real turd burglar for you. Pattaya was put on a terrorist alert last week after members of Islamic State sneaked up through a manhole and established a six foot square caliphate on Beach Road… The District Licensing Unit has issued an immediate ban on the sale and use of Shisha in Pattaya’s entertainment venues. This presents the authorities with a little dilemma in the case of Shisha bars, inasmuch as if they stop selling Shisha they’re no longer entertainment venues and can therefore start selling it again. Interesting little conundrum. Police and bomb disposal personnel were deployed in South Pattaya the other Monday after three explosive devices were thrown at foreigners. The devices in question were alleged to be a balloon with a pin attached, a Christmas cracker and a neutron bomb. The last of these was thrown into Soi 16, leaving police mystified as to why someone would use a bomb in that area that didn’t destroy property. Passengers had to be rescued from the Koh Larn ferry when it sank last month on the return leg of its trip from Pattaya. The reason for the sinking has yet to be established, though it’s been speculated that it may have hit a piece of stray wreckage from the Koh Larn ferry operated by the same company that sank in 2013. Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? Bottom of the barrel, more like. A local metal detector had to be called in last week after a Scotsman lost 10 baht while taking a stroll by the beach… Bar news time, and Las Vegas II has reopened after its refurb though the word is that it still looks exactly the same. That’s Thai workmen for you. Living Dolls 1 has now got the builders in so let’s hope it isn’t the same lot. Dream Club has reopened in its new guise of Maxine’s Club and Gentlemen’s Club has reopened in its new guise of..er..Gentlemen’s Club. And Amethyst has been closed following a police raid, though it seems the army didn’t bother to show up for this one. Perhaps they were washing their hair. It’s been announced that Pattaya’s baht buses are to get a safety upgrade in the form of safety nets, which will be attached to the sides of the vehicles to protect passengers and their valuables. In years to come, people will no doubt tell stories of the days when men were men and rode baht buses without the aid of a safety net. Others will tell stories of how they used to catch fish for a living until some bastards stole their nets and stuck them onto the sides of baht buses to comply with some half-witted piece of legislation. It’s been noticed that since Sainsbury’s supermarkets in the UK have been labelling their prawns as ‘responsibly sourced’ they no longer import them from Thailand. Do you think maybe some Burmese fishermen have been telling tales out of school? Visitors will be pleased to hear that the holes in Pattaya’s walkways have now been invisibly mended… Police found themselves in a tricky situation in South Pattaya last week when investigating reports that a monk had been seen driving a minivan and collecting donations, both of which are prohibited by the code of conduct relating to monks’ behaviour. They found the monk and stopped him, but he refused to leave the vehicle or speak to the officers concerned. After an hour of this standoff, the police had the van complete with monk towed away to Pattaya Police Station where the belligerent cleric finally emerged from the vehicle and was promptly arrested. He was then fined 400 baht for not having a driving licence (which he wasn’t allowed to own) and a further 400 baht for not having a car tax sticker (which he wasn’t allowed to own either). He was then taken to a local temple for a good bollocking from the Abbot and his future status as a monk remains unclear. There’s always one, isn’t there? Motor racing fans might be interested to know that Thailand is rumoured to be renewing its bid to host the FIA Formula E Championship (that’s electric cars, for those who don’t know). Then again, the average fan might think that watching a load of blinged up milk floats driven by a bunch of F1 rejects has got bugger all to do with proper motor racing. And if this is supposed to promote interest in ‘sustainable motoring’, how come they have to change cars halfway through the race because their batteries are fucked? Doesn’t sound very sustainable at all. Best idea would be to kick the whole thing into touch and concentrate on the bid to hold an F1 Grand Prix in Bangkok. There’s nothing like the real thing. Finally, local officials have been crowing about a survey showing that Chinese tourists rate Pattaya as one of their top ten holiday destinations. Sounds impressive - until you read the small print, where you discover that it was actually only voted one of the top ten destinations in Thailand. Given that most Chinese tourists probably couldn’t even name ten holiday destinations in Thailand, maybe it’s not such a crowning triumph after all. be seeing you monkeyman

There's a photo of it on the PA forum underneath this same article.