monkeyman

Perhaps "Non-Smokers Fuck Off" would be a more promising advertising pitch.

It's okay. Lack of hot food is the only real drawback.

So what would that be called then?

Greetings once more, Monkeywatchers, and welcome another dose of myth and folklore from the legendary land of Funtasia. The media are making a big thing of the problems with squatters in Thailand at the moment. They highlighted a particular case where a chap from Bangkok went to America for a few days and load of blokes broke into his house and took up residence. They weren’t poor folk either, as they were all said to be sporting the latest design in combat trousers. Shocking, it was. They drove their big green off-roaders all over his nice lawn and even got a few of their mates to stand outside to make sure that nobody could chuck them out and change the locks. Don’t know what the world’s coming to these days. Pattaya’s got its own problems with bad behaviour as well, of course, as can be witnessed by this drunken lout urinating in the swimming pool of a local hotel. Gangs of monkeymen have also been seen causing trouble outside Big C in North Pattaya. Following the somewhat damp weather, the authorities would like to assure visitors that Underwater World Pattaya is an ocean aquarium and not the new name for Walking Street. Here’s an unexpected bit of news for you - Beach Road’s been dug up again. It’s all in a good cause, of course, and several exciting new tourist attractions have now been installed. The first is a series of reproductions of famous Thai works of sculpture that now line Beach Road following their official unveiling by the head of Pattaya Council, Mr Yuslas Sakkashit. Here we can see a copy of the renowned work “Hand Job”. The classic “Do You Have Any Smaller Chopsticks?” And the legendary “Testicles of Rama”. The Mini Siam franchise is also spreading along Beach Road with the opening of “Mini Sahara” ….and “Mini England”. Pattaya City Hall recently hosted a seminar for a group of school students to discuss male and female sexuality, and to inform them of the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases. They were particularly warned about the dangers of anal sex, which was described to them as “anal vice”. This unfortunately caused confusion among some of the students who had thought this to be a song from ‘The Sound Of Music’. In keeping with their reputation as good employers, the bosses at Angelwitch have just sent us this picture of their newly opened staff car park. Looks like it’s time to chuck your MP3 and MP4 players in the bin, as Monkeywatch has obtained an exclusive picture of the next generation player, which was spotted by an eagle eyed photographer near Soi 5 the other day. In the best traditions of ethnic diversity, a bunch of plucky investors opened the new Pattaya al-Qaeda Hotel last week. Here it can be seen awaiting guests for the opening party. …and here it is again, the morning after the festivities. The owners said the party was a “lively affair” but regret that they won’t be taking any further bookings for the next two years. We can’t close without bidding a fond farewell to the legendary Mok after centuries of unbroken service at FLB Bar. Ah, that warm greeting of hers, when she’d turn you upside down and shake you by the ankles till enough money fell out of your pockets to buy her a drink. You’ll be missed, darlin’. A final thought. Should the correct name for a sex offenders’ register be an encyclopaedophile? be seeing you monkeyman

I believe you have to eat the stewardesses.

Nice to meet you last week. Best of luck with the move.

Greetings once more, Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the first Technicolor 3D Cinemascope edition of Monkeywatch. Or to put it another way, there’s a few pics in it. Right, here’s this month’s rundown of the latest Funtown frolics. The boys in brown have been taking a tough line on drink-driving recently, so visitors would be well advised to stay within the prescribed limits when taking to the highway. However, as the current drink-drive limit is 32 bottles of Singha, three bottles of Mekhong whisky and a gallon of paint stripper, this shouldn’t prove to be too much of a daunting task for the average tourist. These gentlemen were recently spotted getting ready to attach a barcode to the FLB Bar so that anyone who wants to buy the place can just take it straight to the nearest checkout and pay for it. Can’t wait to watch ‘em try to get it in a bag. There was a bit of excitement the other week when a huge missile was reportedly spotted lying in a restaurant garden in Pattaya. The projectile, which was 1.5 metres long and weighed in at 20 kg was reported to the police, who rushed to the scene and proceeded to shoot at it until it was completely destroyed, much to the dismay of the restaurant owner who claimed that it was in fact the first piece of a giant Tom Jones statue that he was erecting to attract customers. He declined to say which part of the statue it was, but the police figured it out for themselves and he was promptly arrested and charged with constructing a statue with intent to cause a breach of the peace. To add insult to injury, it looks like somebody’s nicked his idea as well, as several people spotted this first part of a George Michael statue arriving in town. If you care to wander past a karaoke bar in Pattaya’s Arab quarter, you can usually guarantee to be treated to some of the most appalling noises ever inflicted on the human race. Some of these lunkheads are reckoned to have won karaoke contests, but the general consensus is that they aren’t even good enough to come last. They’ve also helped to fuel speculation that these bars are being used as training camps for suicide singers. Speaking of Arabs, a report has just come out saying that more of them are moving to this area because they felt less welcome in Europe and America due to issues related to terrorism. Well, I guess that’s understandable, as we all know how welcome they are in Pattaya. About as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit. If that wasn’t bad enough, there was a rumour going round that there might be an attempted massacre at Alzheimers A Go Go. The plan was apparently to get a terrorist group to infiltrate the house band and force them to play an up-tempo number, resulting in an unimaginable loss of life among the farang punters. Here’s a recent pic of the place. In what’s presumably an attempt to impress somebody or other, Pattaya City Council has given the go-ahead for the construction of a 91-storey condominium tower on Jomtien Beach Road, which will give them the almost slightly amazing reputation of having the world’s tallest residential building. Critics of this enviable erection include the Immigration Authorities, who are concerned that it will attract hordes of end-it-all jumpers whose visas may expire before they hit the ground. Just remember to keep looking up as you walk past, eh? There was a spot of drama on Second Road a few days back when a bloke was carried out of Kiss Food And Drink with his tongue hanging out, his eyeballs on stalks and his face changing colour every two seconds. However, after a few hearty slaps on the back, he recovered and told the gathering crowd that it was “just some food that had gone down the wrong way”. As he was eating as Kiss, I guess he must have meant that it went into his stomach. Police were called to the Tepprasit Market a couple of Saturdays ago after reports that a Thai bloke was exposing himself to female market-goers. He must have got plenty of sun on the offending body part before being arrested, as first reports said that he was taken to where else but the Dongtan Police sub-station. You couldn’t make this stuff up, could you? Sadly, it turned out to be a spelling mistake, as you can see. However, it did prompt some remarks about sexism, so it’s now been decided to name the building “Pussytal” on alternate weeks. And when the US Navy are in town, the place will be known as “Don’t Ask, Dongtal” (ask a Yank to explain it to you.) Speaking of which, there’s been a lot of talk about the young Brit poove who minced into Pattaya Police Station and reported that he was shaken down for money by one of their fellow officers during a visit to Boyztown. It’s been suggested that he shouldn’t return to Pattaya unless he wants to become a late poove, but all he needs to do is become a ladyboy, then the local plod won’t recognise him and he’ll probably get a lot more blokes as well. Mentioning no names, obviously. You know, we’re always hearing from the young blokes that they never pay for pussy when they’re in Pattaya. I guess that explains why they never get any. The Mayor and his team recently visited the road construction works at Soi Paniad Chang 8, where a new road is being built. The mayor asked to speak with residents in the soi to find out whether their health was being affected by the construction, so obliging officials have made the necessary arrangements and the séance will be held next month. Pattaya these days has a much greater international appeal, with parties of holidaymakers coming from further and further afield. Here we see an Irish tour bus parked on Beach Road. The glorious Pattaya Mail had a headline the other week informing us that “Gambling den operated under noses of police patrols”. Bloody clever that, disguising a gambling den as a moustache. Not to be outdone, Pattaya City News came up with “Tourist Police arrest three ladyboys after beach theft”. I wonder where they’ve hidden it? And remember, if everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the fuck’s going on. be seeing you monkeyman (Thanx to Soi 7 for pix 1/3/4)

The seats in Evergreen were a lot better than Elite, though Elite has a better entertainment system.

Neat site. One more for the Favourites.

Quite a few sites on the net selling luggage now have a special section for flight bags that meet the new regulations.

Could be, so the best idea is to keep the door key with you and to go back to your room through the car park on Soi 2. That way you won't be seen by either reception.

It's 16cm rather than 15cm (could make a difference). Haven't been through it myself, but I get the impression that all bags are being measured. I'm sure some kind soul can enlighten us both on this, as I'd like to know as well.

Two lessons to be learned here. 1. Always keep camera and money in safe. 2. Always keep girl in bed.

This doesn't take effect until October, so get in quick if you want your air miles at the old rates.

Greetings yet again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the place where you can enjoy the best of Pattaya’s bad taste without going to Kiss Food And Drink. Here we go then with a look at the last month’s shenanigans in Fun City. A couple of the local police had an unpleasantly excremental experience the other week. They were trying to get a particularly drunken disco reveller to take a urine test and the bloke followed through. Now they really are the boys in brown. A shop owner on Sukhumvit Road recently reported to Pattaya municipal police that he had been beaten up by three men, one of whom he reckoned was a police officer. The other two sound like promising recruits though, don’t they? The Mayor of Pattaya has announced measures to control the increasing thefts of drainage manhole covers. He stated that this was a highly dangerous practice as it meant that tourists had to constantly keep an eye out for lines of tight little holes along the sides of the streets, and people obviously didn’t come to Pattaya for that sort of thing. He apparently became aware of this weighty problem during his check on beach and road improvements in North and Central Pattaya, a task he often carries out while he’s waiting for his kettle to boil. The beloved Mayor also chaired a meeting of the council, which was held to discuss the three-year Pattaya development plan for 2007-2009 to remedy problems and respond to residents’ needs. The desired results were swiftly achieved when they all resigned on the spot. There’s a few new places been opening in Patts of late, perhaps the most notable being Roxy in Walking Street. Amongst numerous other delights, they have a performance called “The Sadist Show” in which it’s rumoured that the showgirls nick your beer and refuse to be barfined. The work on Beach Road is continuing with its usual gusto, though there’s been some dissent in the ranks of the workforce, who have threatened to boycott the use of wheelbarrows following an increase in dangerous overtaking manoeuvres by local snails. There’s been a story going round that a suicide bomber wandered into New Living Dolls 1 on a Wednesday night, saw the free beer and barfines, and was confused into thinking that his bomb must have already gone off. Sorry Abdul, but if Heavens Above was your spiritual goal, you were on the wrong side of the street. It’s been rumoured that in an attempt to eradicate rowdy behaviour in Pattaya, the local authorities have decreed that from next month, tourists won’t not be allowed into bars or Go Go’s unless they’re accompanied by a monk. They said this was no different from many of the farang clubs they’d heard about who wouldn’t let you in without a Thai. Things are getting so commercial these days that some of the bar girls are even reported to be accepting credit cards. Sounds a bit dodgy, though finding somewhere to swipe your card could be interesting. Pattaya Tourist Police opened their new headquarters a few weeks ago after moving from Second Road. This was generally reckoned to be a good move, though there were some who felt that the new location should have been a little further away from Beach Road. The most popular suggestion was Baghdad. One of the local hospitals recently conducted some practical training for large-scale road accidents in Thailand by simulating an accident scene. Nice thought boys, but wouldn’t it have been easier to hang around for a few minutes and wait for a real one? There was a bit of a to-do last week on Pratamnuk Mountain in South Pattaya when a construction worker discovered a pile of bones and a white shirt. When police asked him why he didn’t report the find until several hours later, he replied that he’d gone home to get his autograph book as he thought that he’d stumbled upon Michael Jackson on holiday. The wonderful Pattaya Mail newspaper published a story a few days back about a Thai bloke who fell from an electricity pylon after receiving a huge shock, ending it with the immortal line “Police said he would be charged”. Can’t argue with that. Actually, there’s a bit more to this story. Apparently, the feller was trying to steal electricity cables from the pylon when he fell, and he succeeded in blacking out the whole area in the process. When the locals realized what he’d done and that he wasn’t quite dead, they put a curse on him that his sexual organ would fail to operate for the rest of his life. Mind you, as the organ in question was allegedly found on the roof of a hotel three blocks away, some might consider the curse to be a little unnecessary. Finally, a bit of news for the dude who enquired if a certain soon-to-be-opened hotel is a couple of blocks from the water. Yes it is, but they’re hoping to have it all the way to the taps by Christmas. And remember, guys. In life, change is inevitable – except from baht bus drivers. be seeing you monkeyman

I've stayed at the Dusit a few times in years gone by and thought it was okay. Anything particular you wanted to know?

I wouldn't pay 1 baht a day to stay in a place that was gonna lay that kind of shit on me.

Nope. I'm just aware of its international reputation as the graveyard for old 60's bands.

Classic quote, reproduced in the July edition of 'Monkeywatch'.

Greetings once again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our third trip into the pits of Patts. Right, let’s get straight down to it and have a look at what’s been going on in the last month. There was an incident on Beach Road the other week where a ladyboy was arrested after allegedly trying to pick the pocket of a Pakistani tourist. “She” vigorously denied the charge, claiming that she thought he might be the Asian bloke who’d picked her up at the same spot the previous week and had just put her hand into his trousers to see if she recognised him. It’s also been reported that there’s been a number of items taken from holidaymakers’ clothes when they left them on the beach to take a dip in the sea. A police spokesman said preliminary investigations had suggested that it might be the work of thieves. There’s no fooling these boys. In another piece of law enforcement news, the boys in brown recently rounded up a load of Uzbekistani hookers and took them to the police station where they were held for several hours. It’s funny how they always seem to have these crackdowns on the Police Chief’s birthday. The website for the new Baboona Serviced Apartments on Beach Road proudly announces that “The Standard Rooms provide back-side view”, so if you’re the sort of guy who likes to spend the evening with his TG looking at the moon, this place could be right up your street. Talking of hotels, there was a recent enquiry as to why guests thought it was important for hotels in Pattaya to have swimming pools when the ocean is so close. Well, it’s only important if you want to come out of the water the same colour as you went in. It’s also been speculated that the ‘chlorine’ smell you get from the pools only happens if somebody’s pissed in them. Reckon that can be filed under “too much information”. The Transport Ministry have announced that the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to open on September 28 and, to commemorate the event, three squadrons of pigs will be landing in formation on the main runway. Caretaker Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra added that the new airport will handle all regular commercial flights into Bangkok from this date and assured the assembled journalists that nothing could possibly go wrong. He then sang a medley of Vengaboys’ hits and threw up into a fire bucket. While we’re on the subject of flights, cheap charlie Brits might be interested to know that Etihad are flogging tickets from the good old Motherland to LOS for a measly 375 quid including taxes. Good deal if you don’t mind spending half a day sitting in the middle of a war zone waiting for your connecting flight. The mayor of Pattaya has been criticised by the Ministry of the Interior for taking too much time over various local projects. He apparently rejected the criticism as unfair, saying he’d already arranged a meeting on September 6th 2008 to address this very point. In yet another exciting piece of news, City officials are currently engaged in talks with the Royal Thai Navy about sinking two disused ships in Pattaya Bay to create a habitat for the local marine life. And if that’s a success, they’re thinking of sinking two Soi 6 bars as a habitat for the local pond life. A few people have remarked that they reckon Stephen Leather’s epic tale “Private Dancer” isn’t a realistic book. Well, it’s got a cover and lots of pages, so how much more realistic can it get? Music fans had a shock the other night when they turned up to the Blues Factory and found the place to be closed and locked up. Speculation mounted that this could be the biggest blow to live music since Cliff Richard threatened to quit touring after being hit in the left ear by an individual pork pie at the Batley Variety Club in England during a particularly intense rendition of “Devil Woman”. Fortunately, it turned out that the Blues Factory’s management, staff and musicians had all buggered off to a party for the night and not bothered to tell anybody. This must be what they mean by “going on the Lam”. It’s been suggested that there should be a rule in Pattaya against blokes wearing white socks and sandals with shorts. It shouldn’t be a rule, it should be a bloody law. Princess Slutwear had a birthday party at her bar recently. One of the dudes in attendance reckoned he fancied her so much that his tongue hit the floor when he saw her. Actually, if he’d fancied her that much, his tongue wouldn’t have hit the floor at all. His dick would have got in the way. A final thought. If someone asks you to name your favourite fruit, think very carefully before answering “Emma”. be seeing you monkeyman

I'd tell 'em to fuck off. Oh sorry, too late.

Aircon, but if if caused any side effects I'd go for the fan.

Could be done fairly easily, given that the non girl friendly places are very much in the minority.

Yes.

If you want stick with EVA, Ours Travel will do you Elite Class for £610 plus taxes. And a free National Express return ticket to LHR as well.