monkeyman

Two lessons to be learned here. 1. Always keep camera and money in safe. 2. Always keep girl in bed.

This doesn't take effect until October, so get in quick if you want your air miles at the old rates.

Greetings yet again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the place where you can enjoy the best of Pattaya’s bad taste without going to Kiss Food And Drink. Here we go then with a look at the last month’s shenanigans in Fun City. A couple of the local police had an unpleasantly excremental experience the other week. They were trying to get a particularly drunken disco reveller to take a urine test and the bloke followed through. Now they really are the boys in brown. A shop owner on Sukhumvit Road recently reported to Pattaya municipal police that he had been beaten up by three men, one of whom he reckoned was a police officer. The other two sound like promising recruits though, don’t they? The Mayor of Pattaya has announced measures to control the increasing thefts of drainage manhole covers. He stated that this was a highly dangerous practice as it meant that tourists had to constantly keep an eye out for lines of tight little holes along the sides of the streets, and people obviously didn’t come to Pattaya for that sort of thing. He apparently became aware of this weighty problem during his check on beach and road improvements in North and Central Pattaya, a task he often carries out while he’s waiting for his kettle to boil. The beloved Mayor also chaired a meeting of the council, which was held to discuss the three-year Pattaya development plan for 2007-2009 to remedy problems and respond to residents’ needs. The desired results were swiftly achieved when they all resigned on the spot. There’s a few new places been opening in Patts of late, perhaps the most notable being Roxy in Walking Street. Amongst numerous other delights, they have a performance called “The Sadist Show” in which it’s rumoured that the showgirls nick your beer and refuse to be barfined. The work on Beach Road is continuing with its usual gusto, though there’s been some dissent in the ranks of the workforce, who have threatened to boycott the use of wheelbarrows following an increase in dangerous overtaking manoeuvres by local snails. There’s been a story going round that a suicide bomber wandered into New Living Dolls 1 on a Wednesday night, saw the free beer and barfines, and was confused into thinking that his bomb must have already gone off. Sorry Abdul, but if Heavens Above was your spiritual goal, you were on the wrong side of the street. It’s been rumoured that in an attempt to eradicate rowdy behaviour in Pattaya, the local authorities have decreed that from next month, tourists won’t not be allowed into bars or Go Go’s unless they’re accompanied by a monk. They said this was no different from many of the farang clubs they’d heard about who wouldn’t let you in without a Thai. Things are getting so commercial these days that some of the bar girls are even reported to be accepting credit cards. Sounds a bit dodgy, though finding somewhere to swipe your card could be interesting. Pattaya Tourist Police opened their new headquarters a few weeks ago after moving from Second Road. This was generally reckoned to be a good move, though there were some who felt that the new location should have been a little further away from Beach Road. The most popular suggestion was Baghdad. One of the local hospitals recently conducted some practical training for large-scale road accidents in Thailand by simulating an accident scene. Nice thought boys, but wouldn’t it have been easier to hang around for a few minutes and wait for a real one? There was a bit of a to-do last week on Pratamnuk Mountain in South Pattaya when a construction worker discovered a pile of bones and a white shirt. When police asked him why he didn’t report the find until several hours later, he replied that he’d gone home to get his autograph book as he thought that he’d stumbled upon Michael Jackson on holiday. The wonderful Pattaya Mail newspaper published a story a few days back about a Thai bloke who fell from an electricity pylon after receiving a huge shock, ending it with the immortal line “Police said he would be charged”. Can’t argue with that. Actually, there’s a bit more to this story. Apparently, the feller was trying to steal electricity cables from the pylon when he fell, and he succeeded in blacking out the whole area in the process. When the locals realized what he’d done and that he wasn’t quite dead, they put a curse on him that his sexual organ would fail to operate for the rest of his life. Mind you, as the organ in question was allegedly found on the roof of a hotel three blocks away, some might consider the curse to be a little unnecessary. Finally, a bit of news for the dude who enquired if a certain soon-to-be-opened hotel is a couple of blocks from the water. Yes it is, but they’re hoping to have it all the way to the taps by Christmas. And remember, guys. In life, change is inevitable – except from baht bus drivers. be seeing you monkeyman

I've stayed at the Dusit a few times in years gone by and thought it was okay. Anything particular you wanted to know?

I wouldn't pay 1 baht a day to stay in a place that was gonna lay that kind of shit on me.

Nope. I'm just aware of its international reputation as the graveyard for old 60's bands.

Classic quote, reproduced in the July edition of 'Monkeywatch'.

Greetings once again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our third trip into the pits of Patts. Right, let’s get straight down to it and have a look at what’s been going on in the last month. There was an incident on Beach Road the other week where a ladyboy was arrested after allegedly trying to pick the pocket of a Pakistani tourist. “She” vigorously denied the charge, claiming that she thought he might be the Asian bloke who’d picked her up at the same spot the previous week and had just put her hand into his trousers to see if she recognised him. It’s also been reported that there’s been a number of items taken from holidaymakers’ clothes when they left them on the beach to take a dip in the sea. A police spokesman said preliminary investigations had suggested that it might be the work of thieves. There’s no fooling these boys. In another piece of law enforcement news, the boys in brown recently rounded up a load of Uzbekistani hookers and took them to the police station where they were held for several hours. It’s funny how they always seem to have these crackdowns on the Police Chief’s birthday. The website for the new Baboona Serviced Apartments on Beach Road proudly announces that “The Standard Rooms provide back-side view”, so if you’re the sort of guy who likes to spend the evening with his TG looking at the moon, this place could be right up your street. Talking of hotels, there was a recent enquiry as to why guests thought it was important for hotels in Pattaya to have swimming pools when the ocean is so close. Well, it’s only important if you want to come out of the water the same colour as you went in. It’s also been speculated that the ‘chlorine’ smell you get from the pools only happens if somebody’s pissed in them. Reckon that can be filed under “too much information”. The Transport Ministry have announced that the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to open on September 28 and, to commemorate the event, three squadrons of pigs will be landing in formation on the main runway. Caretaker Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra added that the new airport will handle all regular commercial flights into Bangkok from this date and assured the assembled journalists that nothing could possibly go wrong. He then sang a medley of Vengaboys’ hits and threw up into a fire bucket. While we’re on the subject of flights, cheap charlie Brits might be interested to know that Etihad are flogging tickets from the good old Motherland to LOS for a measly 375 quid including taxes. Good deal if you don’t mind spending half a day sitting in the middle of a war zone waiting for your connecting flight. The mayor of Pattaya has been criticised by the Ministry of the Interior for taking too much time over various local projects. He apparently rejected the criticism as unfair, saying he’d already arranged a meeting on September 6th 2008 to address this very point. In yet another exciting piece of news, City officials are currently engaged in talks with the Royal Thai Navy about sinking two disused ships in Pattaya Bay to create a habitat for the local marine life. And if that’s a success, they’re thinking of sinking two Soi 6 bars as a habitat for the local pond life. A few people have remarked that they reckon Stephen Leather’s epic tale “Private Dancer” isn’t a realistic book. Well, it’s got a cover and lots of pages, so how much more realistic can it get? Music fans had a shock the other night when they turned up to the Blues Factory and found the place to be closed and locked up. Speculation mounted that this could be the biggest blow to live music since Cliff Richard threatened to quit touring after being hit in the left ear by an individual pork pie at the Batley Variety Club in England during a particularly intense rendition of “Devil Woman”. Fortunately, it turned out that the Blues Factory’s management, staff and musicians had all buggered off to a party for the night and not bothered to tell anybody. This must be what they mean by “going on the Lam”. It’s been suggested that there should be a rule in Pattaya against blokes wearing white socks and sandals with shorts. It shouldn’t be a rule, it should be a bloody law. Princess Slutwear had a birthday party at her bar recently. One of the dudes in attendance reckoned he fancied her so much that his tongue hit the floor when he saw her. Actually, if he’d fancied her that much, his tongue wouldn’t have hit the floor at all. His dick would have got in the way. A final thought. If someone asks you to name your favourite fruit, think very carefully before answering “Emma”. be seeing you monkeyman

I'd tell 'em to fuck off. Oh sorry, too late.

Aircon, but if if caused any side effects I'd go for the fan.

Could be done fairly easily, given that the non girl friendly places are very much in the minority.

Yes.

If you want stick with EVA, Ours Travel will do you Elite Class for £610 plus taxes. And a free National Express return ticket to LHR as well.

Sometimes they have some very good deals, but for me choice is the real issue, and that's where the net wins hands down.

Greetings once again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our second look at the cavities of Pattaya into which no one else dares shine a torch. Sadly, it’s been decided that the Monkeywatch newbies’ guidebook to Pattaya, “Monkey Number One”, will not now be published following threats from a certain author – and from the police, several bar owners, the Rotary Club, the local Spud U Like, the mayor and the bloke who stands outside Mike Shopping Mall making noises with his mouth. But enough of this, here’s this month’s dirt. It’s been announced that Pattaya City hall is to spend 4.5 million baht on billboards and other bits and pieces to promote domestic tourism. After much deliberation, the slogan they’ve chosen to spearhead the campaign is “fun in every square inch”. Try to hold on to that thought the next time you’re in Pattaya and you step in six square inches of dog shit. There was a bit of a to-do in Jomtien last week when the Las Vegas Bar got busted for having a nude girl playing pool with the punters. The bar owner apparently protested that he was being victimised as it was common practice for girls to take off their clothes before getting into the pool. In another bit of news on bar busts, the word is that the boys in brown have decided to drop all charges against the showgirl at the centre of the Top Girls gerbil show controversy as they’ve been unable to track down the offending rodent. A police spokesman said that they’d questioned the girl for several hours but hadn’t managed to get anything out of her. People have been asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the police already know. Well, the difference is that it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know. On the Go Go front, there’s a rumour that Babe Watch are employing a double-jointed dancer. Guess it must be a hipper version of the old two cigarettes routine you usually get from the showgirls. A current talking point is baht buses that don’t go where you want them to, so here’s a little tip for you. It’s going to Jomtien if there’s a white strip across the bottom. All you’ve got to do now is figure out how to get the driver’s trousers down to check it out. Speaking of taxi drivers, there’s been a claim by a punter that the much self-publicised Mr Toom didn’t show up to collect him from the airport. It probably isn’t true though because, as we all know, there’s many a good fiddle played on an old Toom. It looks like he’s in for a bit of competition too, as there’s another firm offering transfers from Bangkok to Pattaya for a mere 300 baht. You can’t knock the price, though there must be many who’d never really considered the catapult to be a form of public transport. Tourists have been advised not to bother looking for the new mime show that had allegedly started in Soi Diamond, as it turned out to be a bunch of drunks trying to find their way out of the new glass front in Lennies Bar. Local city planners have denied that the proposal to name a new shopping centre after the recently departed Prime Minister had been dropped because Pattaya already had a place called Big C. If you haven’t already seen it, take a look at the video of the Korat bar scene in 1965 that‘s doing the rounds at the moment. Boy, they sure knew how to live in those days. But if this video’s anything to go by, it looks like they didn’t bother. There’s much political debate going on at the moment with the election rerun coming up shortly. So if there’s any politicians out there, we know you like doing things on a “need to know” basis, so we need to know when you’re going to shut the bloody bars. On the subject of bars, there’s been some debate about why so many bars employ ladyboys as cashiers. Simple. Because they’ve got less places to hide the money. It’s often been said that Thais view farangs as being below the cockroach. The Tourist Authority of Thailand have apparently denied this, stating that farangs have been officially recognised by the Thai government as being every bit the cockroach’s equal. Thinking of which, someone recently came up with a bright idea to get revenge on any Pattaya restaurant that’s overcharged you in the past. You visit the place again and eat half of your meal, then slip a cockroach into it and demand a discount. So some dude tried it and the bastards charged him an extra 10 baht for the cockroach. There’s been a bit of a fuss over an Australian artist who’s painted a picture of the King of Thailand on a pair of sneakers. Sounds like his Buddha willy warmers won’t go down too well either then. Here’s a handy labour saving device. Don’t bother following police advice to remove your gold before you go out, just wear it for more than ten minutes and some helpful passer-by will do it for you. The word’s going around that the Bamboo Bar is to hold a “Grab A Grandad” night on the first Wednesday in July. That makes it 3697 in a row now then. So what is it with Lucifer’s and hair then? Have they banned the stuff? Stick your head in the place most nights and you can bet your bottom dollar the first ten blokes you clap your eyes on haven’t got enough hair between ‘em to make a decent moustache. Actually, there’s a story going round that there was a crowd of Brits in there the other night knocking the beers back and one of them was so pissed that he asked his mates to get him something to throw up into. They got him a taxi. Now that’s culture for you. be seeing you monkeyman

I agree. As a hotel it isn't up to much. But it is an experience, which is why it's always full.

Can you pay to get into it? I didn't think you could.

I guess it would depend on the lounge. As regards London, I've only used the SAS lounge at LHR which is OK, but I've heard some of them are shit.

.......and you REALLY wanna make sure you get the voltage setting right on that one.

I know of Indians having problems getting onto some places, but only because they've been mistaken for Arabs, as has already been said.

....and I think I've just worked out what she's standing in.

Good performance skills eh? I'd like to check those out.

Is Pattaya safe? Yes, it's safe. But we aren't.

Well, he says he was there. Are you sure you were waiting in the right place?

"It is known for its beaches, a thriving sex industry and problems with crime." Its beaches?