monkeyman

Sometimes they have some very good deals, but for me choice is the real issue, and that's where the net wins hands down.

Greetings once again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our second look at the cavities of Pattaya into which no one else dares shine a torch. Sadly, it’s been decided that the Monkeywatch newbies’ guidebook to Pattaya, “Monkey Number One”, will not now be published following threats from a certain author – and from the police, several bar owners, the Rotary Club, the local Spud U Like, the mayor and the bloke who stands outside Mike Shopping Mall making noises with his mouth. But enough of this, here’s this month’s dirt. It’s been announced that Pattaya City hall is to spend 4.5 million baht on billboards and other bits and pieces to promote domestic tourism. After much deliberation, the slogan they’ve chosen to spearhead the campaign is “fun in every square inch”. Try to hold on to that thought the next time you’re in Pattaya and you step in six square inches of dog shit. There was a bit of a to-do in Jomtien last week when the Las Vegas Bar got busted for having a nude girl playing pool with the punters. The bar owner apparently protested that he was being victimised as it was common practice for girls to take off their clothes before getting into the pool. In another bit of news on bar busts, the word is that the boys in brown have decided to drop all charges against the showgirl at the centre of the Top Girls gerbil show controversy as they’ve been unable to track down the offending rodent. A police spokesman said that they’d questioned the girl for several hours but hadn’t managed to get anything out of her. People have been asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the police already know. Well, the difference is that it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know. On the Go Go front, there’s a rumour that Babe Watch are employing a double-jointed dancer. Guess it must be a hipper version of the old two cigarettes routine you usually get from the showgirls. A current talking point is baht buses that don’t go where you want them to, so here’s a little tip for you. It’s going to Jomtien if there’s a white strip across the bottom. All you’ve got to do now is figure out how to get the driver’s trousers down to check it out. Speaking of taxi drivers, there’s been a claim by a punter that the much self-publicised Mr Toom didn’t show up to collect him from the airport. It probably isn’t true though because, as we all know, there’s many a good fiddle played on an old Toom. It looks like he’s in for a bit of competition too, as there’s another firm offering transfers from Bangkok to Pattaya for a mere 300 baht. You can’t knock the price, though there must be many who’d never really considered the catapult to be a form of public transport. Tourists have been advised not to bother looking for the new mime show that had allegedly started in Soi Diamond, as it turned out to be a bunch of drunks trying to find their way out of the new glass front in Lennies Bar. Local city planners have denied that the proposal to name a new shopping centre after the recently departed Prime Minister had been dropped because Pattaya already had a place called Big C. If you haven’t already seen it, take a look at the video of the Korat bar scene in 1965 that‘s doing the rounds at the moment. Boy, they sure knew how to live in those days. But if this video’s anything to go by, it looks like they didn’t bother. There’s much political debate going on at the moment with the election rerun coming up shortly. So if there’s any politicians out there, we know you like doing things on a “need to know” basis, so we need to know when you’re going to shut the bloody bars. On the subject of bars, there’s been some debate about why so many bars employ ladyboys as cashiers. Simple. Because they’ve got less places to hide the money. It’s often been said that Thais view farangs as being below the cockroach. The Tourist Authority of Thailand have apparently denied this, stating that farangs have been officially recognised by the Thai government as being every bit the cockroach’s equal. Thinking of which, someone recently came up with a bright idea to get revenge on any Pattaya restaurant that’s overcharged you in the past. You visit the place again and eat half of your meal, then slip a cockroach into it and demand a discount. So some dude tried it and the bastards charged him an extra 10 baht for the cockroach. There’s been a bit of a fuss over an Australian artist who’s painted a picture of the King of Thailand on a pair of sneakers. Sounds like his Buddha willy warmers won’t go down too well either then. Here’s a handy labour saving device. Don’t bother following police advice to remove your gold before you go out, just wear it for more than ten minutes and some helpful passer-by will do it for you. The word’s going around that the Bamboo Bar is to hold a “Grab A Grandad” night on the first Wednesday in July. That makes it 3697 in a row now then. So what is it with Lucifer’s and hair then? Have they banned the stuff? Stick your head in the place most nights and you can bet your bottom dollar the first ten blokes you clap your eyes on haven’t got enough hair between ‘em to make a decent moustache. Actually, there’s a story going round that there was a crowd of Brits in there the other night knocking the beers back and one of them was so pissed that he asked his mates to get him something to throw up into. They got him a taxi. Now that’s culture for you. be seeing you monkeyman

I agree. As a hotel it isn't up to much. But it is an experience, which is why it's always full.

Can you pay to get into it? I didn't think you could.

I guess it would depend on the lounge. As regards London, I've only used the SAS lounge at LHR which is OK, but I've heard some of them are shit.

.......and you REALLY wanna make sure you get the voltage setting right on that one.

I know of Indians having problems getting onto some places, but only because they've been mistaken for Arabs, as has already been said.

....and I think I've just worked out what she's standing in.

Good performance skills eh? I'd like to check those out.

Is Pattaya safe? Yes, it's safe. But we aren't.

Well, he says he was there. Are you sure you were waiting in the right place?

"It is known for its beaches, a thriving sex industry and problems with crime." Its beaches?

Good one if you BF from the Go Go's. Bit trickier if you use the beer bars.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the very first of what may become a regular look into the most intimate crevices of Pattaya life. Then again, it may not. Anyway, here we go. Firstly, a belated happy St George's Day to all English boardies. Actually, you have to feel sorry for old St George, having to kill that hideous old dragon. These days, he could have just divorced it and buggered off to Pattaya. The Casino Club has been taking a lot of stick for having expensive drinks, crap over-loud music and girls who you can't get off with. However, when confronted with this damning indictment, the owner claimed that the place was meant to be an English theme bar and went on to thank his critics for taking the trouble to point out how authentic it was. The ever-increasing number of Brits visiting Pattaya has inevitably led to more and more local restaurants offering traditional English food, though the owners of these establishments have strenuously denied that the increasing popularity of the British delicacy spotted dick is in any way responsible for the sharp decline in the world's leopard population. If you thought Muslims were the only religious group likely to stir up the shit in Pattaya, think again, because we've now got bible-bashers on Walking Street. A group of three likely lads, led by a clean cut all-American boy, could recently be seen spouting on at the bemused passers-by, trying to convince them that they'd end up in Hell if they didn't change their sinful ways. So if you're planning a trip to Hell, you'd better pack your skis and ice-skates just in case they succeed. The Miss Nong Khai contest was reportedly thrown into uproar when it was discovered that one of the contestants was actually a girl. The perpetrators of this outrage are currently being hunted down with a view to immediate deportation. One of the more popular Cherry Bar girls has been overheard telling friends that she's getting money every month from an English banker. Looks like we've found another letter of the alphabet that Thais can't pronounce. Have you ever noticed the uneasy relationship that seems to exist between Thai girls and makeup? You've got some girls who can make themselves up to look as fabulously exotic as top film stars, and others who end up looking like a team of paintballers have been using their faces for target practice. Don't they teach them anything on those bloody farms? There's been a few guys been asking the question 'Old or young, what do Thai girls like?' Well, they've been asked and they said that they don't care how old your money is. The latest news from the government is that all infrastructure projects in Thailand have been suspended. Various plans have been put forward as cost-cutting measures, such as the planned new buses being replaced by conga lines. It's also been suggested that, instead of building new light rail lines to reduce the number of cars in Bangkok, they could achieve the same result by letting Indians drive the taxis for a couple of days. You may be aware that there's been some controversy lately about the use of large gif signatures on some Pattaya message boards, which just goes to prove the old saying 'Beware of geeks bearing gifs'. A parting thought. You know you've got style when you barfine a showgirl just because you can't find your bottle opener. be seeing you monkeyman

Just checked out my fingers. Thanks for that. Hadn't realised I was a ladyboy till now.

I was actually thinking of superbugs rather than the staff. But I should have said so. Point taken. I'll get me coat.

Who'd want to go into an NHS hospital anyway? You'd stand less chance of being killed in Baghdad.

Do you get a diploma if you pass?

I've tried this stuff in FLB and it's .

I've tried both Elite and Premium Laurel and would have to agree with many of the comments made. Elite definitely isn't up to the Old Evergreen Deluxe standard. The seats are smaller and I don't think they recline as far. OK, the entertainment system's better, but I'd rather have a more comfortable seat. Besides, if the entertainment system's top of your list, the one in Economy's just as good. Premium Laurel, on the other hand, suited me just fine. I agree about the seat angle in "flat" mode but it didn't bother me overmuch. My only real gripe was the food. Crap served on bone china is still crap.

Sandy Spring is fine as long as you're away from the noise of the construction work in soi 13. The advice about booking through the Scandibar website is good too. You get the membership rates without joining and a book of vouchers for a free drink every day at the Scandinavian Bar as well.

That's telling it like it is.

Welcome to the board Ron.

Perhaps it closes during the day?

Tom Would that be the reason why, when I recently upgraded to Business Class, they told me that I was getting the only available seat upgrade but when I got on the plane I counted 19 empty seats?