monkeyman

I think they did have a go a while back. If I remember correctly, some of the girls were found to have work permits as ballerinas.

The Sabai Wing thermostats are on the outside of the units so easier still.

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our festive edition as we remember The Nativity, the story which taught us all that you won't get a room at Christmas if you haven't booked in advance. A gathering of 3500 newly recruited bureaucrats was addressed by the Interior Minister at a two-day seminar in Jomtien the other week. They were told, amongst other things, that they must protect the country and abolish drugs. And no doubt during their lunch breaks they'll be eliminating poverty, ending war and reversing climate change. November 14 saw the opening of Louis Tussaud's Waxworks at Royal Garden Plaza. The place has already courted controversy by erecting a large effigy of Adolf Hitler on the outskirts of Pattaya, though they later made amends by replacing it with effigies of Osama bin Laden and Gary Glitter. Desperate for a girl? Ring 'Dial A Slapper' and they'll have one with you in five minutes… And now, a little snippet from Bangkok. It seems that the Nana Hotel (aka the Cockroach Hilton) has adopted a policy that you can only take one lady at a time to your room. Well, they've got their good name to think of, haven't they? Three Thai blokes who were about to vandalise a phone box in Jomtien last Thursday got more than they bargained for when they were attacked by a group of civil volunteers who were working nearby. The volunteers beat the men with pieces of the phone that they ripped out of the box then smashed their heads through every pane of glass in the cubicle to subdue them until the police turned up. The police commended the plucky volunteers for their valuable help in eradicating the scourge of telephone box vandalism. Thailand's British Ambassador Quinton Quayle (no, really) is trying to persuade all British expats and tourists to register with a new tracker service set up by the UK's Foreign and Commonwealth Office so that if necessary they "will be able to contact your next of kin and locate you". Nice try Quint. Perhaps you'd like to strap a CCTV camera to my dick while you're at it. If your Thai girlfriend complains that you never give her an orgasm, try showing her this… Bar news next, and this month it's been the turn of Club Blu to be piss-tested as the now familiar druggie/tea money raids continue. Nice work if you're into water sports though. What's Up is to open its upstairs floor to the public in a couple of weeks time. The new bit, which will be called What's Up Imagine, will apparently have a completely different concept to the bar downstairs. Blokes putting their clothes on, maybe? Not much else to report except for the opening of Cosy A Go Go on Walking Street, which is small, loud and plays crap music. A bit like Elton John really. Last Friday, a disaster simulation exercise of a road crash was held on Pattaya Third Road to test if local services could cope. Following the success of this operation, Walking Street has been chosen as the venue for the next disaster simulation exercise in which the bars will run out of beer and the Go Go girls will all perform in anoraks. A Thai woman gave herself up to the police the other weekend after killing her partner during an argument. The details are a bit sketchy, but the moral of the story would seem to be "If a Thai woman wants you to put something on the third finger of her left hand, think twice before responding with the second finger of your right". If you're worried about climate change, book your airport transfer with Mr Tingtong's Eco-Friendly Taxi Service. He only charges 500 baht and you'll also save on hotel bills as by the time you get to Pattaya it'll be time to go back to the airport to catch your flight home… The other Wednesday morning, the editor of a local Thai newspaper contacted police to report that someone had deposited a pile of shit on his office, though all the attending officers were able to find was a bundle of British tabloid newspapers that had been delivered to his premises by mistake. Part of Sukumvit Road had to be closed last Saturday after a large black hole appeared in its surface. An official from the local Highways department initially tried to blame the Hadron Collider for this unfortunate event, but eventually decided to change his story after having a short discussion with a policeman and his truncheon. Finally, the Pattaya Longboat and Buffalo Racing Event took place on November 21 and 22 at the Maprachan Reservoir. Final result - longboats won, buffalos drowned. be seeing you monkeyman

Beats me why anyone would want to spend their Xmas surrounded by the sort of pissed-up tossers that Pattaya normally attracts over that period. Humbug.

Good.

...or maybe it's me.

I doubt if it was the allegations.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, as we light the blue touch paper of our damp squib and remember Guy Fawkes, the only bloke in history who knew how to deal with politicians. Right, off we go. There was a story reported from South Pattaya about three weeks ago entitled "Canadian loses 500,000 baht's worth of valuables following room theft". So how do you smuggle a room out of a hotel without anyone noticing? Two monks were arrested for begging a couple of Saturdays ago after being caught doing the rounds of Third Road bars asking punters for money. They were both taken to the temple in South Pattaya and summarily disrobed, at which point it was discovered that the older man was not even a real monk. The police decided not to pursue the begging offence, but the younger man is believed to have been charged with possession of a fake monk in line with the police's stated aim of cracking down on counterfeit goods. Part of the new pavement on Beach Road was closed recently after an eagle-eyed council worker spotted a hairline crack in its surface… The Monday before last, two men were approached on Thappraya Road in South Pattaya by three Thai chappies who said they were police officers. They searched their victims and stole money and mobile phones from them before fleeing with their ill-gotten gains. It is believed that the men were impersonating police officers and their behaviour would certainly suggest this to be the case. After receiving complaints from Indian authorities about the way their citizens were being treated in Pattaya, the Tourist Authority Of Thailand attempted to defuse the situation by telling them to "fuck off and stop whingeing". A reception was held at Royal Garden Plaza the other Tuesday for the finalists of the 2009 Miss Poland Contest as part of their tour of Thailand prior to the competition. They were given a warm welcome and assured that they would all be welcome to enter a Thailand beauty contest as long as nobody found out that they were really girls. Speaking of which, the Miss International Queen contest took place at the Tiffany Show Theatre at the weekend, in which a bunch of unsavoury looking poofs put on their best frocks to compete for the title and this impressive trophy… Entertainment news next, and what else to begin with than the reopening of Devil's Den. The authorities obviously realised that all those stories about the place were just scurrilous lies. Of course, we all knew that already, didn't we? Club Mirage on Soi Diamond has reopened under new management and Coyotees A Go Go has closed, reportedly for good this time. Oh, and Insomnia was raided again, though they had some company this time as Lucifer's and Mixx were raided as well, the latter taking place the night after the Mayor had visited the place to celebrate their birthday. Guess somebody must have pissed him off. Perhaps they made him pay for his drinks. A Korean tourist was detained by police a couple of weeks back after he was spotted walking down the middle of Naklua Road and handing out all his cash to bemused motorists. The man was judged to be having a mental breakdown and was taken to hospital for psychiatric treatment. Bloody loony. Why couldn't he have handed all his cash over to bar girls like any normal bloke? It must have been a bad week for Korean tourists as another one was arrested the very next day after being caught breaking into a shop and stealing ice coffee and water. When the policeman arrived, the tourist allegedly said "You for coffee?" and was then charged with using abusive language as well as with breaking and entering. There was some drama in Pattaya last week when an experimental Thai Air Force jet got into difficulties… Fire units were called to Naklua Road recently after a fire broke out on the premises of a curtain company. The chief fire officer, Mr Ukan Sukmadik, told the owner it was "an open and shut case" and that he should "pull himself together". The owner is now in police custody facing assault charges and Mr Sukmadik is recovering in hospital after undergoing an operation to remove a curtain pole from his rectum. Finally, a Thai bloke was arrested the other week for throwing a stone in the face of a 15-year-old girl as she was walking along the road. He was called Khun Tawat. Couldn't have put it better myself. be seeing you monkeyman

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to this month's hot off the press stories that you'll be able to read about in Pattaya People in six months' time. There was a minor disturbance in one of the fast food joints last week when an Arab starting mouthing off about his food not being hot enough. Fortunately, the establishment's customer service manager was on hand to smoothe over the situation by hitting him in the face with a chair. I must say it's most gratifying to see that so many businesses in Pattaya are taking the trouble to equip their staff with the necessary interpersonal skills for dealing with customer complaints. Did you know there's a place in Naklua called German Skatclub? The word is that it's a load of crap, but in this particular case that might well be a recommendation. Whenever you need any cheap booze or provisions when you're in Pattaya, all you need to do is take a trip to your local 9/11... An Iranian couple were arrested a couple of weeks ago after being caught shagging on Pattaya Beach just yards from the police station. The man told police that he thought such behaviour was acceptable in Pattaya, which was also the reason why he'd pissed in the arresting officer's hat. Some Thai girls were walking up Soi 3 the other day when a group of swarthy looking dudes came walking down past them. One of them said something to the girls, to which he got the reply "Stinking Arab pig!" The man, obviously very offended by this remark, shouted back "Not stinking Arab pig, stinking INDIAN pig!" Nice of him to take the time to correct her. The biggest news on the bar scene is the imminent opening on Walking Street of what is being touted as the biggest go go bar in Thailand. The Pleasure Dome is being constructed on the site of the old Hammer Disco and is due to open in November. They're currently recruiting hundreds of girls to work there so keep your eye on developments. On a sadder note, the infamous Devil's Den was closed down after someone had the audacity to suggest that improper activities were taking place on the premises. Can't imagine how they got such an idea. So what'll it be next then? Satan's Suite? Beelzebub's Bar? Another sad event was the closure of Molly Malone's on Walking Street, which is to be turned into, yes, you guessed it, another bloody Go Go. Here we see the old place being taken away on the back of a lorry. Deep grief… You can always get a giggle in Pattaya watching the latest batch of young newbie knobheads trying to impress the girls with their 'dancing'. Last time I saw a bloke move like that he'd got a ferret down his trousers. And they wonder why the girls piss themselves laughing. Thai girls often tell farang guys that it's disrespectful to hide your banknotes in your shoe as they carry a picture of the monarch so you end up with your foot on his face. So come on guys, show some respect and keep them in the arse pocket of your trousers. People always seem to be going on about Ban Chang these days. Seems a bit pointless. I mean, if they don't like it they don't have to drink it. Here we see staff in a Pattaya shopping mall gearing themselves up for the latest batch of 'quality tourists' that the city seems to be so keen to attract… As time goes by, it becomes more and more obvious that the Land Of Smiles rule book has an exclusion clause for baht bus drivers. Christ, from the look on their faces when you hand your fare over you'd think it was them having to pay you. Perhaps STDs should also stand for Sourfaced Taxi Drivers. Finally, the organisers of the Pattaya Sports Club Table Tennis Tournament would like to thank the touts on Walking Street for making their event a sell out, though it seems that some of the people who turned up were expecting a different kind of ping pong show. be seeing you monkeyman

It's nice but I wouldn't say it was worth the extra. On the other hand, if you're going to do it, do it now as it'll probably never be this cheap again.

Guess you've never been to GB then.

Hearses might be more appropriate.

Yes, this seems to be the most likely cause. I've had this happen as well.

Liverpool? I was thinking more Birmingham - claretnblue being Aston Villa.

For good IFE you can't beat EVA. State of the art system in all classes.

Everyone I ask says I'm very good looking. But then I'm very careful who I ask.

No, that was Cherry Bar Too. The original Cherry Bar is on Soi 8 on the right hand side if you're coming from the Beach Road end.

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome as the shutters come down on this month’s early closing edition of Monkeywatch. Time gentlemen please. Well, the glorious August 12 saw the start of the British grouse shooting season, closely followed two days later by the start of the Thai foot shooting season when somebody decided that it would be a wizard wheeze to have a crackdown on bar closing times just when the Tourist Authority of Thailand is trying to regenerate the country’s ailing tourism industry. So there they were at 3am, hordes of police and military types swarming over the streets of the city closing all the bars and clubs. Still, if tourists will insist on stirring up trouble by spending money and having a good time, what else can they expect? And if that wasn’t enough, a television crew was invited along to film the whole shebang just to make absolutely sure everyone on the planet got the message that Pattaya is the last place on earth you’d want to go for a holiday. You just couldn’t make it up, could you? After this had dragged on for a few days, a deputation of 300 or so pissed off bar owners went up to City Hall to plead for longer opening hours, but were told by officials that the laws of temporal physics dictated that an hour could not be longer than 60 minutes. They may have a point. Police are seeking two men following an incident at the Feung Foo Mansion in Banglamung on August 11 after it was found that money had been stolen from communal washing machines situated in the building. A police spokesman said that the men had been captured on security cameras and advised them to give themselves up, adding that they would be treated leniently as long as they promised not to make any crap jokes about money laundering or clean getaways. If you’re planning on going to Beach Road, we recommend that you avoid snorkelling in the wet cement… This month sees the launch of the so-called “Pattaya Grand Sale” so we’ve offered 100 baht for the place as we reckon we can probably sell it on and double our money when the recession ends. Fire units were called to the Zahrat Alkhaleg Middle Eastern Restaurant in South Pattaya the other Wednesday after the place was reported to have been blown up by a suicide food critic. The establishment was severely gutted (as was the owner), but customers who managed to salvage bits of charred food from the burning wreckage said it had never tasted so good. The infamous Red Shirts held a protest outside City Hall on Wednesday despite having signed an agreement not to take action that would do even more damage to Pattaya’s ailing tourist industry. Pity they couldn’t get the police to sign it as well. The Pattaya Women’s Guild is busy preparing the site for their production of ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’… Bar news next, though not much to report. A new gaff called Moulin Rouge has just opened on Walking Street, which will be of great interest to the discriminating punter looking for premium rate East European ladies - so that’s nobody at all then. Cherry Bar Too has closed, so you’ll have to go to the Soi 8 original if you want to get ‘Hammered’. Oh, and Coyotee’s was raided again, but that’s hardly news these days. A Thai chappie turned up at Banglamung Hospital one afternoon a couple of weeks back after his wife slashed him with a knife following a domestic dispute. He declined to reveal the precise nature of the attack, though hospital staff were able to draw their own conclusions after the man produced his willy from his coat pocket and handed it over to a somewhat startled nurse. Here we see worshippers at the local KFC temple… Police arrested a Thai man last Tuesday morning after he was caught walking naked down the centre of Sukumvit Road. When questioned, the man explained that he had been waiting for the sun to come out as he’d been told that Pattaya was the place to go for Dongtan. Reports came in from tourists last Friday that a long stretch of Pattaya beach was covered in rubbish, which appeared to have been washed up by the tide. Well, we always reckoned it would be a mistake to convert that floating seafood restaurant into a takeaway. Finally, a genuine first report of a true story - really. On Friday August 21, police officers were called after a farm worker found a number of farang body parts strewn around a field which turned out to be bits of a missing German. Police have not ruled out suicide at this point. You just can’t follow that with anything. be seeing you monkeyman

Not sure about the older rooms in Sabai Lodge but Sabai Wing has wifi for sure.

Must be. Even New York only managed twice.

I was wondering about that too.

Closer than he would have wished for, presumably.

They like boredom and humiliation. That's why they enjoy our company so much.

Well I sure as hell ain't travelling 12000 miles and back just to buy her a fuckin' drink.

Yes. Just spotted that.