Bushcraft

I suspect a lot of businesses have been holding on by their fingertips in the hope that this year's high season would be 'back to normal'. It hasn't as far as I can tell, despite all the 'lower-end' guesthouses and hotel rooms reportedly being full over Xmas. I reckon there will be a flood of failed businesses for sale or rent during the next 2-3 months.

Sorry I missed LK Adam, the girls look great. Back for a nice cold beer or two on the 25th.

Lucky buggers. Hell, my grammar school certainly never laid on a 1-month trip to the Far East when I were a lad. It was a boy's grammar school, and the nearest we ever got to a degrading sex scene was when the girls from the female equivalent came over to do the make-up for the annual school play. We thought ourselves lucky if we were able to cop a handful without getting a slap.

Essex school girl says, "Mummy, I know where babies come from!" Mum replies, "Where's that then sweetie?" Girl says, "Mummy & Daddy take their clothes off & Daddy's thingy sort of sticks out & Mummy puts it in her mouth & sucks it & that's how u get babies!" Shaking her head, Mum says, "Oh darling that's so sweet, but that's not how we get babies, that's how we get flowers, jewellery, clothes & and chocolates!!" Recession Beater! Wife says to husband - 'if you cycle to work we could get rid of the 2nd car!' Husband replies, 'if you take it up the arse and let me come on your face we could get rid of the nanny!' Dear Deirdre, I'm about 3 years into my relationship now and started having erection difficulties. My girlfriend and i have different ideas what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra; I've bought the fat bitch a treadmill. Man says to wife "You're the double of Cheryl Cole." She said "Do you think so?" He says "Aye, She's 8 stone and you're 16 stone you fat cow ! Sex therapists say the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. . . . . . Personally i think its bollocks. Bloke in a bar buys a vodka then takes out a photo from his pocket looks at it then puts it back. He does this every time he has a drink. After the 8th the barman asks "why do you do that?" he replies "its a picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to shag I'll go home!" Married sex is like the national lottery............. Same old balls, no chance of a 69 and after 20 seconds it all ends in a rollover! The Americans have asked if they can put our queen on their new dollar notes. We've said yes so long as we can have their president back on our marmalade jars! Man in bedroom shouts 2 his girlfriend to come & see his clock! She enters the room + sees him lying on the bed naked with an erection. Thats not a clock she tells him. It will be when you put 2 hands & a face on it. Paddy goes 2 chemist n says "i need something that'll keep me horny all nite, i've got 3 girls comin round" Chemist says " you need Super viagra, that'll do it" Paddy comes back in the followin day, willy black n blue, n asks 4 some deep heat. Chemist says " its not 4 ya nob is it ?" Paddy replies, "no its 4 me arm, they didn't turn up!"

Hi chaps, won't be able to make that as I'm going back to Europe in late Oct., back late November - but see you then.

Hope nobody minds me bumping this, look forward to seeing as many BMs as can make it - the party's tomorrow!!

Cheers Andy I will, wish you were here mate. L'enfer c'est les autres - pas nous.

Count me in, can't wait. Let's make it a good one!

Seems like a good opportunity to let everyone know that I'm holding my 61st birthday party at 3som on Wednesday 7th October. There will be live Thai and farang music in equal measure, the mandatory baby porker plus farang food. If you're in town, come and help me celebrate in good style with Dan, Fah and the girls.

The Queen Vic is a very friendly and well-run hotel/restaurant/bar, but of course it caters to single farang men and is slap-bang in the middle of Soi 6, which a woman with attitude or undue sensitivities might find unsettling. If you have breakfast there as well (the fry-up is really good), you'll be sharing the bar area with blokes treating their latest overnight guest to a meal before she heads off. Other than that, the only practical issue is the fact that the Queen Vic has no lift and you need to negotiate the stairs to get to your room. All in all, if you're bring your wife to Pattaya in the first place, you should have no additional problems by staying at the Vic, and I highly recommend it as a place to stay.

Thanks for the update. I eat at PBG frequently in the evenings, and both the food and staff are always excellent. Congratulations on a really well-run place to relax and feel ok in. There's even a urinal at normal farang height in the mens' loo - very thoughtful. I have one suggestion that would make a visit more pleasant on evenings when there is no breeze coming off the water, namely portable fans that can be brought to the tables in the outside area on request. It can get really uncomfortable out there when the weather is muggy, and that's turned a few meals into misery for lack of a breath of air. I know I can go to the area inside where you have ceiling fans, but sitting outside is so much more atmospheric and the girls love it. The new table lights are good. Keep up the good work, I wish you every success.

Wonderful party, thanks for the pics. I don't know any beer-bar in Patts where so many of the ladies are such good fun during a party, though I'm happy to do comparative checks if I find time.

Thanks for a good party Lee, you obviously enjoyed yourself as much as everyone else. Quality checks ... you lucky bugger ..

Couldn't agree more, I spent a lot of time at CB2 and always felt comfortable. I'll miss it, as Cherry Bar in Soi 8 is surrounded by too much noise for a decent chat when the mood takes. Nonetheless I'm very pleased for Adam, glad you have got out from under mate. I know you were very fond of Cherry Too as well, but it's all for the best.

Don't worry Lee, you still look (about) 26. I'll be sure to come in and help you celebrate.

Women: The most efficient method yet devised for transferring semen from the bedroom to the bathroom. What's the difference between a woman and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out. How do you recognise the bride at an Essex wedding? She's the one with the clean T-shirt How do you know when a Liverpool girl is coming? She drops her chips

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. As she approached him, she said, "Hello, my name is Carmen Gold." "That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family name?" "No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewellery. What's your Name?" she asked. He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf"

Congratulations on your first year chaps, I'll be there to drink to the next few.

Right Joe, its an exhortation to polish men (presumably for their pleasure). Reminds me of the Daily Mail headline after the Battle of El Alamein: 8th Army push bottles up Germans

A really good bunch of pics Adam, and a really good party - see you tonight for another one.

I was having a meal with a lady at PBG on Friday when you obviously held the first draw, and wondered what all the shrieking was about, and where all these bloody tasty birds had suddenly sprung from. Somehow felt I should have come alone to get on the hunt. Great idea Pete, really good, and the suggestion about having a draw every day is also a good one on the face of it. Congratulations to you, PBG is a great place to be - the girls I take there love it too.

After all that's been said, a word of praise when it's due. I took my girl to PBG on New Year's Eve at around 7.30. The place was almost full. We both ordered the chicken cordon bleu, which really is excellent, and the food arrived within 20 minutes. Had a thoroughly enjoyable evening, keep it up Pete.

I'll defer to your judgement on the steak, as I've never tried it there, and if you enjoy the 'fish and chips' that's fine too, but I'm a Brit and know what it should be like to merit the description - it's quite simply misleading to a Brit.

I turned up at the Beer Garden this evening at around 7.30, looking forward to a good meal and the very friendly, polite staff. Knowing you'd had problems with the kitchens, I sat down to order and took the precaution of asking the waitress how long the average wait for food was - 45 minutes she said. I was hungry and that was unacceptable (as it is anywhere), so I left. What a bloody shame, really disappointing. Went across Beach Road to the Old Heidelberg restaurant instead - my urgent advice incidentally is to avoid this overpriced and uncomfortable place - what is shown on the menu as 'fish and chips' is just a joke, and costs 285 Baht (!). The Beer Garden was not especially full - I've been there many times and like it a lot, wish it the very best -but your biggest problem Pete is still the time taken between ordering and eating. If I'm not alone but have a favourite TG with me, or worse still a bunch of friends, I can only get embarrassed at my choice of venue if the service time doesn't improve. Hope you can get a grip on it, as the Beer Garden is otherwise top-notch.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement. 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very> long.' Mrs. Smith fainted.