VPI78

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Luton, Stroud, parts of Cornwall, and anywhere in Wales.

A janitor is cleaning the church, when suddenly the priest runs out of the confession booth. He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because he has to the bathroom. Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything about confessions. The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin on the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give. So the janitor goes in and then a lady goes in for her confession. She says, 'I'm cheating on my husband.' The janitor thinks, then says 'it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's.' The lady says, 'That's not all, I also slept with him.' The janitor thinks again, and says 'it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two more Hail Mary's.' Then she says, 'I also gave him a blowjob.' The janitor looks on the paper and can't find the word 'blowjob'. He gets nervous and runs out of the booth looking for help. He finally reaches a little alter boy and asks him, 'What does the priest usually give for a blowjob?' The little alter boy looks at him and says, 'two candies'

A woman was out playing golf. She teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands, there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?' 'He replied, it feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Maybe s(he)'s a Bono fan and still hasn't found what s(he)'s looking for

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no ... not the Breathalyzer again!