VPI78

Only in Thailand

55,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a 'Geordies Are Not Stupid' convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd, 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?' Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him 'What is 25 plus 25?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!' Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!' Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Thirty?' Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 55,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!' Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?' Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!'

A black guy from New York comes to Darwin to help with a large LNG project. The Aussies tell him that while they work hard, Wednesday is golf day so out they go to the course. After 18 holes and back in the clubhouse showering, one Aussie guy looks at the American admiringly and goes, 'Shit you've got a big cock.' Yank answers, 'Yeah I do weights.' Aussie replies, 'What do you mean you do weights'? Yank says, 'Every night I tie a five pounder to the end of it for 15-20 minutes, and there's the result.' Aussie guy replies, 'That's fantastic....I wanna try that too. Two weeks later they are teeing off and the American asks, 'How did you do with the exercises?' Aussie replies, 'It hasn't got any longer.....but it's starting to turn black.'

Looks like a TT Exchange. Didn't they use to give a slightly higher rate for buying the 50 quid note, something like 0.1 higher, similar to the higher rate for the Benjamin compare to other US notes? Maybe that was SuperRich.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 51 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a little snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. We went back to her place and as she flipped on the hall light she shouts upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'

If you're feeling down just remember; you're closer to being a millionaire than Jeff Bezos.

In a secret order of Catholic priests there were twelve monks about to be ordained. The final test, ordered in secret to correct the Church's recent spate of embarrassing incidents, was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell. Suddenly, eleven other bells began to ring ...

When King Arthur was away looking for the Holy Grail he made Guinevere wear a chastity belt fitted with a small guillotine to stop anyone interfering with her. When he returned he asked all of his knights to drop their trousers and the only one still left with a cock was Lancelot. "Lancelot my faithful friend" he said, "You alone I can trust, what shall I do with these traitors?" ... "Come man, speak up, have you lost your tongue ... ?"

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."