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Everything posted by VPI78

  1. A woman from a close family found herself pregnant but didn't know who the father might be. During the 8th month of her pregnancy, she tripped, knocked herself out and remained in a coma until a month after her babies were delivered in hospital. She emerged from her long sleep to find a doctor by her bedside. The Doctor explained what had happened and that she had been carrying twins. A girl and a boy who were now 4 weeks old and were doing just fine. She said to the doctor, 'I must give them names as soon as I can'. The doctor told her not to worry as her brother had already given t
  2. I remember the dwarf saying that but you made me google erudite.
  3. A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfath
  4. I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish." "Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when England wins the World Cup." "You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
  5. A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat." The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!" So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky. Impressed at his generosity,
  6. A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a fe
  7. No need to be sorry in my view but civil of you to explain your intent. In this era of wokeness, so many get offended over nothing. Comedy has always been a minefield in the best of times and it's 10x more so today.
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