JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

[bazza 0]

John Cleese's Letter To AmericaTo the citizens of the United States of

America:

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus

to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth

II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other

territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America

without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be

disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether

any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Thenlook up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed

at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping

half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect

to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with

correct pronunciation.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable

levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words

interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an

unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

 

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take accountof the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

 

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",

But only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be

a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be

called "Come-Uppance Day."

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or

therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows

that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sortthings out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not

grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to

carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your

own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start

driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of

conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you

understand the British sense of humour.

 

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries

Are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are

properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,

and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

 

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with

customers.

 

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually

Beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as

"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be

Referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen

Gnat's Urine,"

so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four

Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed

with a cheese grater.

 

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, intime, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American

"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty secondsOr wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside ofAmerica. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your

borders, your error is understandable.

 

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies

due backdated to 1776.

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

 

Cheers Bazza

[lv2play 0]

FANTASTIC !!!!

[fd2084 0]

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

 

Just as most any anonymous piece of cynically humorous satire about American politics and culture ends up eventually being attributed to comedian George Carlin, so the same kind of material gets credited to English comic John Cleese when it evinces a British viewpoint on American affairs. Unlike his fellow Monty Python trouper Terry Jones, however, Mr. Cleese doesn't generally pen this sort of political levity.

 

The genesis of this article is a long and convoluted one. It evidently originated on with one Alan Baxter of Rochester, U.K., who wrote and posted a much shorter, four-item version to an internal newsgroup hosted by his employer in November 2000, as a wry commentary on the recently concluded (but far from decided) U.S. presidential election.

[lemons 0]

I dig Americans and have lots of yank friends ...... but they simply wont get this.

[Sailfast 503]

John Cleese; funniest guy in the world, however, he did not pen this letter.

 

This letter has been going back and forth in various forms SINCE NOVEMBER 8 OF THE YEAR 2000! Some are funny, others not so funny.

 

The original letter only had four articles. What may be the second version of the letter encouraged us to "Nuke France and Quebec". Some of the not so funny stuff was replaced by funnier stuff bit by bit. Some of the versions are really rather stale, witless and don't have that British humor/zeal.

 

Some will find the above paragraph interesting and do their own research. After all, if you can read this, the word "research" is nothing more than typing the word "google" or "snopes.com"

 

I do find it annoying that people go nuts over this letter because they assume John Cleese wrote it. Not flaming anyone here, just that this type of "internet rumor" gets my goat.

 

Don't get me wrong, I do think the letter is very funny, but, I am also a big J.C. fan.

 

Just for fun, Sailfast has penned this letter to John Cleese.

 

TO: John Cleese

 

SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

 

CC: the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

 

FROM: Sailfast

 

John,

 

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

 

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

 

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

 

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you cannot always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

 

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor. Did I mention he was in prison for murder at the time?

 

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

 

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

 

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

 

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

 

6. Improve at your national sport. This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident. If you don't like American Football please simply turn off your telly (yes we know your dirty little secret)!

 

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, boiled meat and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize Americans aren't the spawn of satan we will teach you how to cook.

 

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

 

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

 

Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

 

p.s. Mark my words! The 2006 world cup will be dominated by the Underdog US team.

 

Regards,

 

Sailfast

Edited January 13, 2006 by Sailfast

[Sailfast 503]

I dig Americans and have lots of yank friends ...... but they simply wont get this.

Lemons,

 

OK, so what you are telling me is that this Faulty Towers show that has been airing on American TV for years is a comedy? GASP!

 

So what you are saying is Benny Hill is funny?

 

So where does DR Who fall into this?

 

Oh, wait I forgot you probably can't see these shows on UK telly anymore.

 

Well, pop on over for a beer and I'll catch you up on all the latest re-runs from classic British television.

 

I'll bet the BBC is still airing The Dukes of Hazard though (I still haven't figured that one out).

 

Sailfast

[lemons 0]

Sailfast,

 

Yeah perhaps that was a bit of a generalisation on my part. I was just picturing this article being read by a couple of my US friends and them basically saying; WTF is this guy on about?

 

Wasn't a swipe at American humor or mindset.

 

BTW I'm not surprised to see it wasn't penned by J Cleese. Doesn't he now live in California with American wife no 2? (4th overall wife!)

[Sailfast 503]

I think he does live in the US, but not sure.

 

Anyway, we love UK humor. Keep it coming

 

That telletubies thing scares the shit out of me though. Can you make that go away?

 

Sailfast

[monkeyman 1,604]

That telletubies thing scares the shit out of me though. Can you make that go away?

We did. That's why you've got it.

[Firepole 181]

Sailfast,

Excellent job.

[CheshireTom 1,377]

cenctm/Hub,

 

C'mon guys ..... the response had as much chance of being penned by some old-lady in some olde tea shop in Honiton, Devon as it did Sailfast. We know you guys like to claim credit for things but there is a limit. you know!

 

Tom

[Sailfast 503]

cenctm/Hub,

 

C'mon guys ..... the response had as much chance of being penned by some old-lady in some olde tea shop in Honiton, Devon as it did Sailfast.  We know you guys like to claim credit for things but there is a limit. you know!  

 

Tom

The responce had as much chance of being penned by sailfast as the original letter being penned by Cleese

 

Thanks for the nice remarks, but, I did not write the responce. I thought you guys would pick up on the sarcasm...oops.

 

I did make a few modifications.

 

Regards,

 

Sailfast

Edited January 15, 2006 by Sailfast

[p3squid 0]

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good

guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English

characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four

Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed

with a cheese grater.

 

Agreed. Hollywood churns out crap for profit, and all of the big stars are disconnected from reality. Funny stuff though, whoever wrote it.