DAYS IN THE LIFE OF A PATTAYA HOTEL OWNER

[Odense 489]

As always an amusing and informative read - the efforts are appreciated

Edited December 21, 2006 by Odense

[Guest Fatboyfat]

Thanks Kevin for an enjoyable read. Glad you didn't go !

I just have this feeling that you are destined to attract a visit from Scallawag, and his amazing disappearing coat hangers (See Lord Nelson thread.) Buddah help you !!!

[bouncer 2]

Thanks Kevin for a lot of fun and interesting reading hope ther will be more, bouncer

[Inocybe 0]

Thanks Kevin for some great reading. Hope you get some well earned rest between the battles.

 

The life you live reminds me a little of the life of a farmer; Full days of work (never actually off), new challenges all the time and good/bad experieces by the guests (read cows). Only you don't have to send your guests to the butcher.

 

PS! Your hotel is now on my list of good places to stay (I have never been to TOS).

Edited December 31, 2006 by Inocybe

[PERTURBED 0]

ISSUE 4

 

First of all let me say thanks for the positive comments on my “diary” received to date; this does rather encourage me to continue therefore you now know how to shut me up!!

 

It is only when something happens that I am inspired to write this diary and really you could not make this stuff up. Pattaya, however, tends to provide a plethora of events that set me heading off to the keyboard and I wanted to do this one immediately whilst the entire conversation was still fresh in my mind.

 

Earlier today a customer calls me in to the internet office saying the computer is not working. I go into the internet office and over to the PC he is on and it is connected to the internet and has the Hotmail log in page open.

 

“What exactly is the problem Sir” I say

 

“The bloody computer is broken” he replies

 

“Well, er, no it does not appear to be broken Sir otherwise you would not have the page displayed and the cursor flickering away’

 

“No the bloody thing is broken, I cannot access my e-mails”

 

“OK Sir let’s see if I can help. Can you enter your user name and password?”

 

Sir duly enters these and presses ENTER and immediately the message appears that an incorrect password has been entered comes up.

 

“See there it is, that proves it is broken, that has happened every time I have tried even when I come out of the internet and go back in”

 

“Well actually Sir that proves the computer is working but that you are entering an incorrect password hence the message ‘an incorrect password has been entered’ as it says on the screen”

 

“But I entered a password and it still did not let me in so it must be broken”

 

“Yes I saw you enter something into the password box but it does appear Sir that what you entered is wrong. Are you certain you have the correct password and also that your user name is correct?”

 

“Yes the user name is right but I do not remember the actual password as it is on a piece of paper I left at home so I enter some letters”

 

“Oh I see Sir, you do not know your password then?”

 

“No but that’s not the point is it? The bloody computer is not letting me in because the shitty thing is broken”

 

“Yes Sir it is very much the point. This is your e-mail account and in order to access it you have to enter the correct password. This is for your own protection as it prevents others from simply entering your user name and accessing your messages”

 

“That’s all bollocks and double talk isn’t it? You are trying to say this is my fault so I still have to pay even though your computer is not working”

 

“Well no Sir that is not the case as I have many, many things to do rather than concern myself with trying to rob a customer of B30. However, were it the fault of the computer I would tell you and change you to another machine and not charge you for the time you have been on this machine. However, it is crystal clear that the problem is not with the computer but due solely to the fact that you do not know your own password”

 

“You are just a stuck up c*** trying to rip people off and I am going to tell all my mates about this place and make sure they never come here”

 

“Well Sir I am sorry that you feel that way. However, I will not charge you for using the computer on this occasion but I would ask that when you leave you do not ever return, is that OK?”

 

“F*** you, you c***”

 

He duly departs – I can, at least, sit back in the confident knowledge that if he is going to e-mail all his friends and tell them what a nasty person I am then I have very little to worry about!!!

 

TO BE CONTINUED………..

 

Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce; they only make more. You should have kicked him in the balls, then in the ass on the way out. I would have told him that he was too stupid to use my computers. That's just me.

 

You have the making of a good blog - go to http://blogger.com and setup a blog.

Edited December 31, 2006 by PERTURBED

[don_dadda 0]

Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce; they only make more. You should have kicked him in the balls, then in the ass on the way out. I would have told him that he was too stupid to use my computers. That's just me.

 

You have the making of a good blog - go to http://blogger.com and setup a blog.

it almost scares me that I agree with you..

[wacmedia 277]

You should have kicked him in the balls, then in the ass on the way out. I would have told him that he was too stupid to use my computers. That's just me.

 

 

Hi,

 

Con't think Perturbed has the right skillset to be an Hotel Manager.

[PERTURBED 0]

Hi,

 

The French are OK when you get to know them. This guy seems to have some issues but often they are not great travellers as , like the Thais they think their country/ways are the best. Mind you the food, drink and girls aint bad in France either IMO.

 

The French are shit. Most of them walk around wearing Che Guevara shirts with a smug look on their face, while they speak French as loud as possible.

 

I always ask the morons if they know who the guy is on their shirt. Most of them don't know and don't know what kind of man he was.

 

Fucking idiots.

[PERTURBED 0]

PS! Your hotel is now on my list of good places to stay (I have never been to TOS).

 

I've never been to TOS either, I always thought it was a make believe place where lawyers went to write voluminous babble about online services.

 

Let us know how it is.

[cookie 1]

ISSUE 10….

 

Well the most manic time of the year is almost over and we enter the New Year on a high with a record level of advance bookings that sees us already well over 80% occupied through the first quarter of 2007. With a large number of bookings also made for later in the year and the Penthouse now on stream the hotel side will hopefully be set for another record breaking year. This is, of course, so long as (i) the authorities here do not come up with any more magical ways of completely pissing off foreign visitors and (ii) the events of New Years Eve in Bangkok prove to be no more than a terrible one off occurrence.

 

The most pleasing thing of the last couple of weeks for me is that despite all of the feverish activity, the comings and goings, the moving of rooms and so forth we had no disasters and nobody was left sitting in reception for hours on end waiting for their room to become free. I can tell you that this was all down to brilliant planning and organisation on my part, however, it is unlikely you will believe me and the truth is simply that the Big Baker in the Sky delivered a huge slice of luck to us this time around! I have no doubt though that my ‘good news’ is hardly music to my reader’s ears who were hoping for tales of woe from yours truly and hearing how many times I had been floored by a right hook from an irate customer – sorry people!!

 

I hope those of you who stayed here over the festive season enjoyed our hospitality although I rarely have a chance to meet anyone at this time of year. It is therefore the best time to visit if you wish to avoid having me chew your ear off about whatever my particular beef may be at the time.

 

The staff all coped admirably and performed well – save for Christmas Day that is. Mrs. Boss and I made the fatal mistake of telling the staff we would not be in the hotel as we would spend the day with the children and have a family Christmas in our new home. This family together day lasted until 08:15 when we were contacted by the night reception staff to advise absolutely nobody had turned up for work – no receptionists, no room maids and no cook!! Fortunately we had been up since 06:00 with the boys waking us from our slumbers wanting to open their presents. Mrs. Boss immediately donned some less comfortable attire and headed to the hotel. At around 09:30 they started to drift in all rather bleary eyed and with that awful Thai “so what if I am late” attitude. Well when it comes to work ethics Mrs. Boss is rather more farang than Thai and everyone received two barrels of her vocal shotgun. Having been on the receiving end of both barrels a few times myself I can testify that this is not something you want aimed in your direction!! Anyway satisfied that she had scared the living daylights out of everyone Mrs. Boss returned home by mid afternoon and the festivities in the Meacher household continued through to the early hours of Boxing Day.

 

The best part of this time of year for me is watching all the new boys in town with the look of wonderment etched into their faces and attempts to regale me with stories that they feel are unique, especially in relation to the fairer sex. I stand and nod, I smile, I delight in their tales, I praise their powers of conquest despite having heard these stories now in excess of 1,000 times. I still, though, love that naivety and remember my own ramblings from many years ago when I too was the first ever Westerner to arrive in the Land of Smiles!!!!

 

On the penultimate day of the year Mrs. Boss and I attended a Wedding reception for someone I vaguely knew from England who was marrying his Thai girlfriend of two years. The reception was at one of the 5 star hotels along Beach Road with the promise of good food and plenty of Champagne. The invitation was for 17:00 but a combination of work commitments and Mrs. Boss’s famous inability to be anywhere remotely close to the prescribed hour saw us arrive at 20:00 – how I wish we had never made it at all!

 

Now I met the Groom through a colleague in my UK business on a few occasions and have seen him here several times over the last couple of years. He is a nice enough chap, heading towards retirement and looking forward to living permanently in Thailand. However, he has the propensity to drink too much on a fairly regular basis. Well for his wedding ‘too much’ took the form of two bottles of Vodka during the day washed down with several bottles of Champagne in the evening. By the time we arrived walking and talking were skills that appeared to be way beyond his capabilities. It was therefore to my utter disbelief that he stumbled and meandered his way onto the stage intent on delivering a speech. I feared the worst but even the worst of my imaginings did not scratch the surface of what was to follow.

 

The heavily slurred speech was almost, but alas not completely, unintelligible and was the most painful and embarrassing I have ever tried not to listen to. I sat frozen in my chair, afraid to look into the faces of my fellow guests with my only consolation being that my wife and other assembled Thai guests were simply not going to be able to make any sense of it – not that there was any apparent sense being spoken anyway! The speech contained 5 anecdotes which said in this drunken fashion once would have been bad enough but repeated half a dozen times as they were, was far too much to bear. Had there been any nails on our table I would have taken to hammering them through my hands to relieve the pain – I am telling you it really was that bad and therefore I feel it is only fair to share my pain with you.

 

The Anecdotes:

 

1. “I went out one night in Phuket for a packet of cigarettes and came back with the lovely Joy”. “Goodness knows”, he adds, “What would have happened if I had asked for a box of matches”. Now this was mildly amusing, if somewhat unfathomable, and quite where the mind was supposed to go I do not know. On its own a harmless line and touching when followed by “and isn’t she beautiful” after which there was a round of applause. As this particular anecdote was repeated for the second and third times the applause became somewhat less enthusiastic and the fourth and fifth renditions necessitated our Groom to request some. The lovely Joy stood and smiled at the mention of her name on each occasion although I was sure the smile had been replaced by a grimace at some point as the realization of what she was letting herself in for gradually started to dawn.

 

2. Anecdote number two seemed to come from nowhere. He was in a taxi, something about the back streets of Bangkok, into a building, men in army uniforms bent over pool tables with their trousers down and reference to him being in the British Consulate. I thought it appropriate to omit the terminology that rather graphically described the pool table scenario but feel certain you could fill in the gaps without too much difficulty.

 

3. This one got back in some fashion to the matter in hand i.e. The Wedding. Something to do with the wedding certificate and getting a marriage registered here in Thailand being the same as it used to be to get a Dog License in the UK years ago. Now was he referring to the form filling sensations or was the lovely Joy now being compared to a canine?

 

4. Off topic we go again as our Groom launches a scathing attack on the hotel that is playing host to this event, its staff and the parent company’s business ethics. Every other word started with an F or a C and the diatribe lasted several minutes each time without us being given any kind of reason for this vituperrious outpouring.

 

5. The last of the anecdotes was a reference to the assembled guests, although by now an assembled group of mortified beings frozen solid in time. It went something like this “I want to thank all of you for joining us today except for the English as I hate the English and we all know what the English are and thank you for coming here to be with us except the bloody English who are not welcome and I did not invite them and thank you for making us feel at home in Pattaya although we soon hope to both go back to England” Now this man is ENGLISH, the majority of the non Thai guests were ENGLISH and he is talking about going back to ENGLAND - so what on earth this was about I have no idea.

 

We left shortly after he fell off the stage although not before he stumbled over to our table and asked me what I thought of his speech. I was paralysed by the bloody speech; I was embarrassed by the bloody speech; it was the worst speech I have ever heard yet I tried to find some polite words to impart – I failed! The words “Totally and completely embarrassing crap” spontaneously and uncontrollably erupted from my mouth. I got my coat. I spent an hour or so at a bar in Walking Street trying to explain what was said in the speech to Mrs. Boss but on the basis said speech did not make the slightest bit of sense I had embarked upon an impossible and fruitless task.

 

2006 concluded with our annual staff party complete with a range of foods and my Sangria style home made punch – all 7 litres of it. I had imagined that much of the punch would still be sat there looking rather sad and warm come midnight. The truth was that had I made 70 litres it may well have lasted the night as the Thais in particular gulped down glasses of the stuff as though it were lemonade. This was a punch with a kick but filled with fruit and laced with sugar it appealed to the Thai taste. The punch was gone by 22:00 and I had only managed to get a couple of glasses before its demise. Several friends and nieghbours stopped by and we all wished each other well and midnight arrived and the New Year was celebrated in true Pattaya fashion with shouting, screaming and the seemingly endless stream of fireworks.

 

So we now look forward to 2007 full of hope and expectation. It will bring its good days and its bad in the same way every other year does – we just keep hoping that the former outweighs the latter with the highs being higher and the lows not too deep.

Edited January 2, 2007 by cookie

[don_dadda 0]

I love your adventures. But I must say...after listening to you and remembering my own experiences...I never want to own another business again...

[db74 0]

Hey Kevin

Just discovered this thread. Look forward to staying with you guys next week even if Ali is going to be there also.

Danny

[seabass 0]

I think there is a saying that you say when your drunk what you thought better of saying when you are sober. Therefore, this man has obviously goy confused. He might hate England, but not the English surely, as not only are we great at everything, but I do believe we invited modern living

 

Keep up these threads, very useful info

[Inocybe 0]

I spent an hour or so at a bar in Walking Street trying to explain what was said in the speech to Mrs. Boss but on the basis said speech did not make the slightest bit of sense I had embarked upon an impossible and fruitless task.

 

How often does really drunk people make sense?? :)

 

But, I kinda felt sorry for the bride This should have been her happiest day of her life...

 

Happy New Year Cookie!

[Shuggy 8]

, but not the English surely, as not only are we great at everything,

 

Cricket

[pfotoguy 3]

I used to work as a trainer in a call center. We trained about 400 people a year to do computer rservations. I had about 30 in each class.

 

At some point I would give the insruction to take the mouse and right click on something on the screen.

 

There would always be 1 or 2 that would put the mouse on the monitor screen and move it around.

 

I new it was going to be a long day.

[cookie 1]

Shuggy - now, now - that was below the belt!!! I am watching us get another mauling as I type this. Chasing over 100 to make you guys bat again and already one wicket down, 6 for 1, and Strauss literally just knocked off his feet by Brett Lee!! Worse to follow I have no doubt!!!!

[Shuggy 8]

Shuggy - now, now - that was below the belt!!! I am watching us get another mauling as I type this. Chasing over 100 to make you guys bat again and already one wicket down, 6 for 1, and Strauss literally just knocked off his feet by Brett Lee!! Worse to follow I have no doubt!!!!

 

 

Sorry mate. Couldnt help it

 

I saw the Strauss bean ball and it looked bloody painful.

[louis crawley 0]

hey cookie 10 out of 10 for your very interesting descriptive article i dont find reading interesting but yours is excellent you should maybe write a book excellent read....

 

 

 

oh and have you a website address to your hotel

[monkeyspanker 0]

web site is

 

http://www.jasminemansion.com/site/index.html

[sick_puppy 0]

Cookie:

 

I cannot email via info@jasminemansion.com ... yahoo calms the address does not exist. Kindly respond via pm

[cookie 1]

Sick Puppy et al - the correct e-mail addres for the hotel is jasminemansion@mail.com

 

Now why would it suprise anyone who reads my articles that for a reason known only to himself, well for a start that's not true because I asked him and he does not know, my web guy when making some changes and updates to the web site decided to amend the e-mail address to one that does not exist!!

 

The correct address should be uploaded today or tomorrow.

 

My life is really very easy and striaghtforward - it is just everyone else on the planet that complicates it!!

Edited January 9, 2007 by cookie

[cookie 1]

ISSUE 11…..

 

So you have good days and you have bad days. 12th March, 1983, I recall, was a good day! Today, as with many others, has not been so clever. I have steam coming out of my ears and want to bite people’s heads off, no not metaphorically but literally!!

 

Mrs. Boss is away on another of her trips up to Udonthani to see her mum but primarily to get her brother out of the local penitentiary! Dear brother wanted to build himself a wooden house on the farm – we own the land and let him and one of Mrs. Boss’s sisters run the farm rent free – amazingly they still do not make any money!! There is a perfectly adequate dwelling on the farm already so why he wanted to build something new is a mystery to both Mrs. Boss and I. Anyway, the brother decides he will get some timber from a local forest aided by a chainsaw and two chums. Off they go after suitable preparation i.e. two bottles of Sang Song, and start their new careers as lumberjacks. Now they know the forest is a preserved area and that logging is totally illegal. They know there has been a coup, they know the north east is rather more heavily patrolled than normal, yet they still embark on their adventures. Well guess what, not difficult is it? Yes the silly buggers got caught and were immediately provided with new accommodation, courtesy of the state!

 

Now there is only one person in the family who can help in such situations and this is, of course, Mrs. Boss. Once she receives the news she is on the phone to all of her contacts in and around Udonthani and this includes a rather senior police officer whom she has known since she was a small child. I met this guy on our wedding day and he turned up in the newest and biggest car and had his own driver – the man looked important, he just had that bearing. Actually I found him to be a decent enough guy; he spoke good English and was most assuredly not short of a few bob!! However, the news came back that our policeman friend could not assist and nor could any of the other contacts – the brother and his co-conspirators had been arrested by the army and they were playing it straight in the way only the military know how. I have now been told he has been released on bail – B150,000: the basic expenses incurred as a result of his arrest have been settled – B25,000 and a lawyer has been engaged and the retainer paid – B20,000. The fine is expected to be around B100,000 and the legal bill another B30,000 on top of the retainer. Best case scenario a small outlay of B325,000 for guess who?

 

Now my foul mood was not improved by the news at 07:45 that my brilliant yet somewhat unreliable cook was not going to be arriving for work due to a motor cycle accident. As we all know cook has a total inability to say anything remotely resembling the truth, you only have to go back a couple of months to read the story of her mothers 'illness'. I therefore do not believe this yarn although no doubt she will be here tomorrow and spend the day limping – first on one leg and then later the other!! This is set against the backdrop of the perennial staffing problems and the fact that I am down to two out of four receptionists and one will not be in until mid afternoon as she has a doctor’s appointment. Whoopee I am so happy!!

 

Now as has previously been the case we usually have our record ever day in the Café when cook is away. However, today that was not going to be possible. A few days ago we had a stormer, we did not stop from early morning until we closed at 22:00 – we broke the previous record by 100% so it was inconceivable to think we would be anywhere close to that especially as the last couple of days had been relatively quiet – well in comparison to the record day that is. Well you know me, I am a complete Muppet and get everything wrong – we smashed the record – I was cooking like a dervish all day long. At one point, in the middle of trying to do four different breakfast orders; a chilli burger and chips (yes chips NOT those weedy ‘French Fries’); beans on toast; scrambled eggs on toast; a ham and cheese sandwich and Spaghetti Bolognese I was interrupted by the assembled room maids who were taking a deserved break – they would, of course, take it whether it was deserved or not but that snide remark is simply borne out of my prevailing ill mood! I was rushing hither and thither, had plates all over the place and every gas ring alight, the microwave on, two toasters a-popping and the oven going as I endeavoured to ensure everything was ready at the same time for the same tables. “Boss, Boss” one of the room maids exclaims in a manner that suggested perhaps my trousers were on fire or a tank was just about to ram the kitchen “Tuk eat Khowphad” she says with great pride as if this were revalationary and that her eating Khowphad was something, in the midst of my frenzy, I would want to know – perhaps I may give her a pay rise for having the unique skill and talent to be able to spoon friend rice into her bloody mouth! Anyway, I paused; I waited for further utterances; I was in the midst of a panic attack but all I got was silence as Tuk returned to her Khowphad completely oblivious to the fact that she had just made the worlds most pointless and inane remark at the most inconvenient possible time.

 

Now a little later on this same day and another busy session, albeit I was a tad more in control – of both myself and surrounding events. Anyway I had a moment to think and plan my course of action. During this thought process I found myself staring into the microwave oven and thinking “this microwave is almost a year old and it has never had a fault; that must be unique in the history of electrical goods sold in Thailand”. The moment passed, I knew what I was doing next and immediately placed some meat into the microwave to defrost it, I turned the knob to defrost and I set the timer and looked on in horror as nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, happened. This, I swear, is completely true, can you believe that? Well can you bloody well believe it for as sure as eggs are eggs I can’t. I never have much time for thinking these days but that’s it, I am giving it up totally from now on!!!!!!!!!

 

I have been to Carrefour and got a replacement microwave, I have dealt with the mid evening rush and I am typing this as I await the arrival of our last check in today. We did have one cancellation earlier as a group of four guys were due over from the U.K. in the afternoon. Around 17:00 I was informed that they would only be three as one of their party had a tree fall through his house the day before they were due to depart. Now that made ME laugh, no not because the poor guy now has a tree-house instead of a three bed semi, purely and simply the fact that shit happens to other folk not only me!

 

TO BE CONTINUED …………………

Edited January 9, 2007 by cookie

[sabang 0]

What a fine thread, and Perturbed is quite correct- this would also make a fine Blog.

Thank you, and I look forward to reading about the travails and fortunes of 2007 at Jasmine.

All the best.

 

sabang

[Odense 489]

Congratulations on the new record