MONKEYWATCH - January 2008

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the third year of our epic mission to boldly go where no mag has gone before.

 

There was a bit of a ruckus at the Pattaya Elephant Village the other week when an elephant went berserk after suddenly becoming sexually aroused for no apparent reason. A local vet had to be called in to relieve the animal’s condition, though after telling police he was glad to lend a hand he was promptly arrested and placed on the sex offenders’ register.

 

A German tourist had his mobile phone nicked on Beach Road a few days ago by what was described in the press as a “broke transsexual”. Guess he must have needed some money to get himself mended.

 

Following a government directive that Thailand should become greener, City Hall sent us this photo as evidence of Pattaya’s remarkable progress to date (if you don’t get this, you’re either viewing it in black and white or you forgot to take your medication).

 

 

Police were called to a ceramics shop on Third Road a couple of Mondays ago after the owner caught a man trying to steal items of pottery from his premises. The thief, who works as a barman in Soi 8, apparently told police that he wanted to steal the items as he was the only bar worker in the soi without a pair of jugs.

 

Another incident requiring police attention occurred at the Central Festival Centre in North Pattaya, where a Thai woman reported that a Russian tourist had indecently assaulted her with a back-scratcher. Sound like a case of “You scratch my whatsit and I’ll scratch yours”.

 

In a similar vein, a Finnish tourist was arrested on Walking Street just before Christmas after a Thai woman complained to police that the man had groped her and then tipped beer over her. The man, who gave his name as Stig Silvalainen, was quick to pour cold water over her allegations. He also poured cold water over her tits and was promptly arrested.

 

On the entertainment front, Spicy Girls a Go Go has relocated to Soi Post Office, so called because it’s a good place to get your card stamped.

 

We’re not sure which one of these two is Harry Potter, but if it’s the one on the right we sure as hell ain’t sending our kids to Hogwarts.

 

 

In an act of Christmas charity, the Pattaya Mass Media Club provided a free lunch on December 12 for blind students at the Redemptorists School for the Blind. The students were treated to a sumptuous meal of caviar, pressed duck, pheasant under glass and vintage champagne. Well, that’s what the organisers told them they’d had.

 

Tourist Police officers have been told to be on the lookout for “groups of ill-intentioned people who might pose a threat to tourists” over the holiday period. Sounds like they’ll be spending most of their time arresting each other.

 

A “Best Of Issan” display was featured at a fair held over a couple of days last week at Pattaya School no 8. If you want to see it any other time of year, just drop in to Superbaby. The school also held a dental health event, where volunteer dentists provided free check ups, and we understand that they had a couple of Thai boxers on hand to handle the extractions.

 

A party of Russian tourists caused a rumpus on Beach Road yesterday after arriving in Pattaya and being shown their “luxury air-conditioned suites”. A local council worker is helping police with their enquiries.

 

 

The local constabulary were out in force on Christmas Eve in order to “ensure the safety of tourists”, and were joined on their tour of Walking Street by a representative from the Mayor’s office. We didn’t spot him, though we understand that he was the one with the sprig of mistletoe down the back of his trousers.

 

Finally, the Pattaya Fire Department were alerted to a blaze in a warehouse on Highway 36 the other Tuesday, but were unable to put it out before 2 million baht’s worth of damage was done. A large amount of stock was destroyed, including a consignment of 5000 smoke alarms, though they presumably weren’t the ones normally used in Pattaya as one of them actually went off.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[nohlsson1]

Best one to date monkeyman. You had me rolling. Thanks again for your contributions.

[Montydog]

Look forward to this column every month you have never disappointed yet.

 

Thanks

[Thaipan]

Love the tourist police and Pattaya fire department stories

[soi unwise]

Laugh a minute as always Monkey.Thanks for the effort.

[Jay097]

My best wishes for a "story-filled" 2008 !

 

Jay

[ballbag]

brilliant as usual