Pocket Tazer

[lovedog100 1,372]

Pocket Tazer > Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his

lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted

this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol

& Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was

our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the

tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term

adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I

bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA

batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same

time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting

back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie

what that burn spot is on the

face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this

new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that

bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in

my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &

blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping

Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of

it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give

this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I

did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am

I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top

with my reading glasses perched delicately y on the bridge

of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to

cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant

flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst

longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device

measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in

circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,

bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond

description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting

there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning

that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing

couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a

one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs

to my naked thigh, pushed the

button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS

DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over

and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my

side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body

soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be

found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making

meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a

picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an

attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all

over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to

'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution:

there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is

dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the

floor.. A three second burst would be considered

conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I

can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up

and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on

the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down

and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My

triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the

drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to

know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint

smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a

significant reward for their safe return! P.s... My wife,

can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,

and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think

education is difficult, try being stupid !!!