Monkeywatch - January 2014

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and welcome to this month’s plunge into the pits of Patts. Chocks away.

The debate about how much to give the girls seems to be a popular topic for conversation again. Basically, the uglier you are, the more you have to pay, so if you’re paying upwards of 3000 baht, do us all a favour and wear a bucket over your head. However, if you’re Australian, remember to take it off before you go home or you might be mistaken for Ned Kelly. Wonder how much he used to pay?

There’s also been some discussion about what possesses farangs to get up and dance on the poles in Go Go Bars. Well it’s cheaper than buying an “I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER TOSSER” t-shirt and delivers the message just as effectively.

A Brit geezer and his Thai wife have come up with a novel way of protecting their East Pattaya home – they’ve employed the services of two geese as watchdogs. Or should that be watchgeese? Whatever, beware of getting too close to their premises or you’re likely to get goosed, though if you’ve ever strolled up Soi 6 you probably know what that feels like already.

City Hall has recently received several complaints from tourists about the dangerous screws protruding from the new Beach Road walkway…



…so they immediately sent some skilled craftsmen to carry out the necessary remedial work…



There have been some hostile comments recently about the increasing numbers of Japanese-only bars operating in Thailand, but it’s gratifying that people with small brains and even smaller dicks can still get something out of life. Like that Japanese bloke who won a smallest dick competition in Bangkok and had a double celebration as he’d won a biggest dick competition in Tokyo only a week earlier.

An Israeli quality tourist was arrested in Mike Shopping Mall the other Monday after being caught stealing a woolly hat. At his court appearance he was given a good ticking off by the judge, who concluded, “The prison sentence for this crime is six months – but to you, five and a half”.

In the current mood of political unrest in Thailand, it’s been suggested that visitors should refrain from wearing red or yellow shirts as it might get them into trouble. A word of advice though. Don’t wear a pink shirt or you’re likely to get yourself into even more trouble than you bargained for.

Two Angelwitch employees were injured last week when their company vehicles crashed during the trip to work…



Bar news now, and we begin with Oscars, the latest new Go Go on Soi LK Metro, which opened two weeks last Saturday then promptly closed again the next night. A new record? Well no, it doesn’t beat Movida on Soi 14 that put up the closure notices before it had even opened. Anyway, Oscars reopened the following night so all’s well that ends well. Reopenings seem to be the thing at the moment. Showgirls is back after a much needed refit, as that bizarre layout they had before never really worked. As predicted, the old Baron Club on Soi Diamond has reopened as Cream Club. Well, they say the cream rises to the top. But then so does the scum. And Teazers on Walking Street has reopened as well. Yeah, thought you’d be pleased. Destiny A Go Go, on the other hand, is looking a bit on the dark side for a bar that isn’t on the Darkside, so to speak. Adios.

A Swedish tourist had to be rushed to Pattaya Memorial Hospital last week after a bus stop fell on top of him in Jomtien. When questioned about the incident, a City Hall spokesman said “Well, it just wasn’t his day, was it?” It’s still unclear why the man was waiting at the bus stop as the last bus had already left – five years ago. Silly bugger.

Pattaya Water Safety Festival week began on Christmas Day. The official who opened the show said 2013 had been a very good year for marine safety in Pattaya as there hadn’t been any accidents or deaths. He then sang three choruses of “Jingle Bells”, dropped his trousers and threw up all over his safety award – a bronze replica of the Koh Larn ferry.

A man is being sought by police after complaints from motorists that he had extorted money from them by impersonating a Parking Attendant. Must admit it’s a very convincing impersonation…



A beauty parlour in Jomtien was raided by police last week. The raid followed complaints by girls who’d visited the place only to be told by their customers that they should go back and ask for a refund.

A man was beaten up with a bank card the other night after swallowing a moto taxi driver’s Maltesers. No, that’s not it. A man was beaten up by Maltese taxi drivers after swallowing his bank card. No, still not right. A Maltese man was beaten up by moto taxi drivers after an ATM swallowed his bank card. Yeah, that’s it. Still doesn’t make any bloody sense though.

Finally, a Thai chap had an unfortunate start to the New Year as he went to go home after the night’s celebrations. As he was getting onto his motorbike, the gun he was carrying in his belt accidentally discharged and shot his bollocks off. He was rushed to hospital where a doctor said it was unlikely he’d ever be able to use them again, and police would be investigating further. Perverts.

be seeing you
monkeyman

[teelack]

Good one yet again. Reminded me of a beauty parlour of Soi Buakow. I chatted with the boss lady a few times and asked her if she could improve me. "Sure, come in I make you young and beautiful" she tells me. Next day I ask her again if she can still help me and she bounces back with " Sure, come on in every day. It will only take till next year". That was last October!

[Fatboyfat]

Love the Angelwitch photo/joke M. Great read as ever!

[Fornicator]

Another great Moneywatch!!

[Basil B]

Love the Angelwitch photo/joke M. Great read as ever!

 

Yes, it reminds me there is a big witch hunt going on down White Hall at the moment to find out who ticketed The Secretary of State's wheel-less bicycle on her girls night out back in late October.

[MM]

. And Teazers on Walking Street has reopened as well. Yeah, thought you’d be pleased.

 

They have done a name change...perhaps a format change as well..

[monkeyman]

A Secrets spinoff maybe?

[teelack]

For my money I believe that Teezers or whatever it calls itself would do better with blacked out windows. I have never been in the doors because I don't like being in a goldfish bowl.

[Bear194]

A good read as always - Thanks.

[MM]

For my money I believe that Teezers or whatever it calls itself would do better with blacked out windows. I have never been in the doors because I don't like being in a goldfish bowl.

 

They appear to be blacked out now..whether that continues after they open for business remains to be seen.

[Nightrider]

Great reading as usual Monkey.........