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Monkeywatch - April 2014

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Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap once more, and welcome to a further taste of tantalising titillation from testosterone town.

Well, once again it was time for the Pattaya Music Festival to happen, and happen it did. The word ‘International’ was noticeably absent from the title of this year’s event, probably because all the international acts that were supposed to be appearing were noticeably absent as well. Nevertheless, the concerts at the six beachfront stages were standing-room only – someone forgot to order the seats.

The new jumping season is already well underway with a bloke from Finland taking the plunge from an 18 storey block in Jomtien. It’s being described as a ‘presumed suicide’, which seems a little strange as he’d only just started his visit. Guess it ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish.

A group of officials from Uthai Thani visited Pattaya last month to see how the city’s management and administration processes work. No doubt they found it to be a most enriching and enlightening experience, and were surely filled with delight when cascading their acquired wisdom to fascinated colleagues on their return home.

Police have been instructed to clamp down on Indian tourists parking their vehicles illegally on Beach Road…


If you fancy a change from Pattaya, a British tour company is offering three day breaks to Auschwitz for a very reasonable £159. Wonder what they sell in the souvenir shop? Can’t think that “We’ve been to Auschwitz” car stickers would be much of a goer. One bit of advice – if they offer you a room with bath or shower, go for the bath. Or better still, go to Colditz instead.

Police were called to North Pattaya the other Thursday after a British tourist reported that his apartment had been burgled. Mr Kofi Frimpong (British?) said his safe had been opened and 500 baht, 50 yen and 300 pounds sterling had been taken, along with the runners-up medal his great great grandfather won at the Battle of Rorke’s Drift. Is that all? Think he needs a few tips from Indians on how to report a robbery. He told police he held a British passport, so they arrested him for theft.

When are the powers that be going to come to their senses and put some bloody seats on Beach Road? What with that and the defoliation of the trees, it’s impossible to go for a decent walk by the beach without ending up in a worse state than Alec Guinness after they let him out of that metal box in ‘Bridge on the River Kwai’. What’s the matter with the people in charge? Are they bereft of buttocks? Or just brains?

Remember that Indian Restaurant that was on Soi 1…


Then it suddenly vanished…


Well, it’s reappeared, but further down the Soi and on the other side. So if you’re in the area, keep an eye out for a Malaysian airliner…


Bar news now, and FLB is up and running again, though it’s currently looking like Jimmy Wah’s bar in ‘Good Morning Vietnam’ after the bomb went off. Seems that the opening date and the refurb completion date didn’t quite match up. Should be nice when it’s all finished though. Sexy A Go Go on Soi 7 has closed, though it’s rumoured to be reopening in a few weeks. Silver Star 3 on Walking Street is temporarily closed for a refurb. And the Rahtree Complex on Soi Buakhao has been renamed Boom Boom. Well the name’s an improvement anyway.

Another jet skier consigned to Davey Jones’ Locker last week, this time a Brit at Koh Larn. Still, could’ve been worse. Like that Indian bloke who had a head-on jet ski crash and ended up 50 feet away from his craft but left his bollocks swinging on the handlebars. Have to feel sorry for him. It can’t be nice to know that even if you got together with Jimmy White you still wouldn’t have any more balls than Hitler.

Remember all those CCTV cameras that were installed around Pattaya to make it safer for tourists? Well, it seems that only 14 per cent of them are actually working. Fortunately, local convenience stores have shitloads of them, so make a dash for the nearest Family Mart or 7-Eleven next time you’re about to get your head kicked in. You know it makes sense.

Despite the recent ban in Thailand, the illegal trading of elephant testicles continues to be a problem…


The two owners of a Turkish ice cream parlour in Second Road were arrested the other Tuesday after having a knife fight outside their business premises. Strangely, when asked why they were fighting, one said it was about a passport and the other said it was about a fridge. Perhaps the two words sound similar in Turkish – especially when you’re pissed as a fart.

A new organisation has been set up that will pay people involved in unfortunate incidents in Pattaya up to 100,000 baht. However, the ‘Help Tourists Victimized by Crimes in Pattaya City and Banglamung District Association’ (another catchy little name) will only cough up the baht if the person is involved in something that damages the tourist image of Pattaya. The Association has already been deluged with enquiries from jet ski operators, Russian tourists and several TAT officials who all want to know how to get their cut of the money.

Finally, reports have come in about a one million baht fire at Nongprue Temple in East Pattaya. What a rip off. They could’ve got one much cheaper than that if they’d shopped around.

be seeing you

monkeyman writing.gif

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Where will the coconut girls sit now?


On carefully arranged piles of bricks and sand bags, and even on their own little portable chairs.


It's been quite an invention test for them. :thumbup

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