50 Shades of Golf

[4wheels 119]

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St. Andrews for many years, but two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are really upset, but what can they do?
Two days later, the three arrive at St. Andrews where they find Jack sitting
at the bar with four drinks already set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus
into letting you go?"
Jack explains, "Well, I just got here. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and whispered, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, looked around and there she was, wearing only a sheer nightie.
"She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. Well, she's been reading the book, ‘50 Shades of Grey,’ and the room had candles and rose petals all over.
"On the bed were handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and
cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, 'Do whatever you want.' "
"So . . . . here I am!!"

[atlas2 4,329]

If 50 Shades had been written by a man……...

 

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I sighed as she squeezed and pulled expertly. It was the best balloon giraffe I'd seen.
-------------------
'How do you feel about using toys in the bedroom?' she asked. 'Fine,' I said, 'But I can't see how we're going to fit a Scalextric in here!'
-----------------------
Her body tensed and quivered as she felt wave after wave flow through it.
I probably should've told her about the new electric fence.
----------------------
As I lay there on the floor, my naked body covered in treacle and whipped cream,
I heard those inevitable words . .. 'Clean up required on aisle 3.'
--------------------------
'Are you ready to be tortured in a way only a woman can torture a man?' she asked.
I nodded nervously. 'OK' she said and ate half my chips.
-------------------------
She was at the bottom of the stairs. Frantically I tore off her dress, bra and knickers.
My heart was racing but I just managed to close the wardrobe door before she entered the bedroom.
-------------------------
'Hurt me!' she begged, leaning over the dining table expectantly. 'OK,' I replied, 'Your turkey's too dry and your sprouts are overcooked.'
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She leant over the kitchen table. 'Smack that bottom,' she squealed, 'Smack it hard!' 'I am,' I said, 'But the ketchup just won't come out.'
------------------------------
They asked me to smear their naked bodies with the produce from my herb garden but I just couldn't do it. Too many women, not enough thyme.
------------------------------
'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.' So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
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Her body trembled and shook. 'I can't wait any longer, do it now!' she cried
'OK,' I said and got the winter duvet from the cupboard'

Edited March 13, 2015 by atlas2

[atlas2 4,329]

Not a joke......but a feel-good moment.

 

We need some of those.....

 

 

Edited March 3, 2016 by atlas2

[Bushcraft 2,591]

Her body was writhing and she was moaning and calling my name ... I clearly wasn't pressing down on the pillow hard enough.