Monkeywatch - January 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a Happy New Year to one and all, and a big core coon crap for joining us for more Pattaya stories just as TAT proclaims that Pattaya was visited by 150,000 tourists over Christmas – well they would, wouldn’t they?

 

Once again, Pattaya ushered in the New Year in its own inimitable style. Sek Loso, the headline act booked for the New Year Countdown Concert, didn’t show up as he’d been thrown in jail by the police a few hours earlier. The remaining acts tried to make the best of it but didn’t fare too well as even the Thais didn’t seem to know who they were. The one exception was the F’off Band, who seemed to be recognised by the many spectators who shouted out their name throughout the performance. The assembled crowd were then treated to four minutes of fireworks and told to bugger off home. The slogan to promote this debacle was “We’ve Waited All Year For This.” One couldn’t help but come away with the impression that most of the attendees wouldn’t have minded waiting a bit longer.

Remember the Chang umbrella saga, when city officials said it was okay to display the brand on beach brollies as they were advertising Chang water and not beer? Well, the national authorities weren’t having any of it and have told them to bin the whole bloody lot, making it clear that sponsors should have no connection to alcohol whatsoever. The Pattaya Business & Tourism Association is now inviting other businesses to have their logos displayed on the beach umbrellas and PBTA members were invited to a meeting where they were shown an example of an umbrella without any logos. Or to put it another way, a plain umbrella. They really should get out more often.

A middle-aged Norwegian bloke went into a bar opposite his Pattaya home just after midnight the other Tuesday and told the staff to turn the music down and the customers to shut the fuck up, so they got together and kicked his head in. Another one for Roald Dahl’s Tales of the Expected. Silly bugger.

 

Why put up with your country’s miserable rainy weather when you could be in Pattaya?...

 

 

A Thai clinic is offering a new service to its customers – penis whitening. Yes, if you think your dick’s a bit on the dark side, this is the one for you. This remarkable treatment is apparently performed by applying a laser to the client’s penis, but its introduction has led to the walls of the clinic accruing a certain amount of graffiti, most notably “No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.”

 

Thailand is considering introducing a new tax on single-use plastic bags in order to reduce their numbers and protect the environment, though some want them banned altogether as they make a mess of the beaches. In that case, perhaps they should consider a ban on single-use condoms as well, as this idea has already been successfully employed in Pattaya by members of some of the more disreputable ethnic groups.

 

Thailand’s airports conducted a safety campaign over the New Year holiday in response to the anticipated increase in tourist numbers during this period. As part of this exercise, immigration officers were issued with new equipment including batons, water cannons, tear gas grenades and tasers. When asked how this would make things safer for tourists, a spokesman said “Our people have to be properly equipped to deal with any troublemakers.” When quizzed as to which tourists he considered to be troublemakers, he replied “Well, all of them really.”

 

The new Islamic State Resort Hotel is temporarily closed after sustaining some minor damage during its opening night party…

 

 

New Year bar news now, and we start with Bad Girls a Go Go. Remember when the place opened back in November and we couldn’t figure out how they’d managed to get round the ban on new Walking Street Go Go’s? Well, it looks like maybe they didn’t as the place has now shut down. Gold a Go Go has also shut down, though that’s no great surprise as it seems to happen pretty well every month. Top One a Go Go, on the other hand, closed down but has now reopened, as will Mandarin a Go Go any time now. Waka Waka has also closed, allegedly because of road works but more likely because the Indian owner didn’t have the right business plan. Get some Indian girls in, matey, and you’ll clean up.

 

Officials have launched a new campaign to encourage moto-taxi passengers to wear the helmets offered to them by the riders. As these helmets tend to smell like the inside of a Turkish wrestler’s jock strap, police have supplied 300 lucky moto-taxi drivers with new scented passenger helmets for the enjoyment of their lucky customers, who’ll end up with dandruff that smells like Marilyn Monroe.

Time to rewind once again, with a pair of pieces from Monkeywatch in January 2008…

 

There was a bit of a ruckus at the Pattaya Elephant Village the other week when an elephant went berserk after suddenly becoming sexually aroused for no apparent reason. A local vet had to be called in to relieve the animal’s condition, though after telling police he was glad to lend a hand he was promptly arrested and placed on the sex offenders’ register.

 

A German tourist had his mobile phone nicked on Beach Road a few days ago by what was described in the press as a “broke transsexual”. Guess he must have needed some money to get himself mended.

 

Come to Pattaya and find yourself a real dish…

 

 

A Thai bloke was arrested on Walking Street last Monday for selling fake drugs to tourists. “This kind of thing is very bad for Pattaya’s image” said a spokesman, “If tourists are paying for real drugs, that’s what they should be getting.”

 

It’s been announced that The Royal Thai Navy has released 33 sea turtles. Guess they didn’t have enough evidence to charge them.

 

Thailand plans to have no less than 367,000 CCTV cameras operational by 2019. Big Buddha is watching you.

 

Finally, following a local media story that Pattaya police were hunting for some sex group participants, it’s been reported that over 100 people turned up at the Soi 9 police station to ask if they could volunteer.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual. a big thanks. The multi use condoms got me going.

[Butch]

Enjoyed that. I take it thats the new construction planned at the end of the Sabai Wing in the pics?. I wondered how long that house would remain there.

[monkeyman]

Enjoyed that. I take it thats the new construction planned at the end of the Sabai Wing in the pics?. I wondered how long that house would remain there.

 

Yes, it is indeed the plot next to Sabai Wing, so anyone planning to stay there in the near future should bear this in mind when booking a room.

[ronno]

Thanks Monkey for your always reliable take on reality