Monkeywatch - March 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to this month’s mad as a March hare look at what’s been going down – and up and sideways.

 

Just in case anybody doesn’t already know, it’s been announced that Songkran will be extended to five days this year. A local spokesman said “Now we’ve taken steps to get rid of those lowlife scum who came to Pattaya to play bridge, we’re hoping this move will replace them with some real quality tourists.” Guess it’ll all be water over the bridge.

 

Local fishing boats are the latest thing to come under official scrutiny and have been checked to make sure they hold the correct licences (I think we can see where this is going.) Well no actually, as this is one of those exceptional cases where the licence actually exists before the inspection. However, one of the boat owners was arrested as the only licence he was able to produce was a darts licence. And as we all know, there’s no such thing as a darts licence.

 

The public meeting held recently to discuss Pattaya’s upcoming development plan highlighted several differences of opinion as to which of the City’s ills needed the most urgent attention from the authorities. The locals seem to be most worried by the build-up of trash and garbage, which seemed to be arriving by the coachload on a daily basis. Flooding and sewage overflows are also high on the list of concerns. The authorities, on the other hand, seem to be more concerned about drug, traffic and road safety issues. The police reckoned all these problems could be solved by raiding more bars. So they did.

 

These locally designed tinted windscreens are proving to be very popular with Thai motorists…

 

 

The leaning tower of Pattaya, or to be more precise, the leaning pole of Soi Buakhao, has finally been repaired after no less than 10 years of petitioning by locals who considered it to be a danger to the public. The pole, which supported a spaghetti of electrical cables and wiring, was restored to an upright position using construction equipment after an earlier and less expensive attempt using Viagra proved unsuccessful.

 

An international report has voted Thailand to be the best country in the world to start a business. Shortly after the announcement was made, shares in local chrome pole manufacturing companies hit an all-time high.

 

An Italian tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station at around midnight the other weekend and related a strange tale to the officers on duty. He claimed that two women had arrived at the condo where he was staying to look the place over as they were planning to buy it. He let them in and showed them around but then suddenly passed out and, when he came round, the women had gone and so had 200,000 baht in cash and a necklace worth a further 80,000 baht. Further, he said he hadn’t eaten or drunk anything during their visit. The officers viewed his story with some suspicion, as they thought it unusual that someone, even an Italian, would let a pair of complete strangers inspect a property at 10 o’clock in the evening and then become unconscious for no apparent reason. When questioned, the security officer at the building said he hadn’t seen any women going in, and police are now examining CCTV footage for any clues. It’ll be interesting to see how this story pans out. We think he was either wopped over the head or he’s just telling woppers.

 

Police are investigating after an Indian tourist reported that his hotel room had been broken into…

 

 

Okay, let’s do some bar news. DClub A Go Go on Walking Street has closed (did anyone ever notice it was open?) Looks like Addiction Club on Soi Diamond has gone into rehab, as there’s no sign of life there now.

 

It’s been said many times that any farang thinking of marrying a Thai wants his head examined. Well it looks like the Thais agree, because they’re going to make it compulsory. Yes, there’s a new directive from Immigration that farangs who want to indulge in nuptials with Thai ladies (or whatever) will have to agree to undergo psychological testing. Who the hell would want to go through that? We reckon that anybody who agrees to have their brains tested needs their brains testing.

 

Forward to the past once again with a brace of bits and bobs from Monkeywatch way back in March 2008…

 

“In a bold move to relaunch itself with an exciting new image, Blue Lagoon 2 has moved its door from the right to the left hand side of the bar. It’s certainly increased their custom, as there’s still six piss artists in there bouncing off the right hand wall trying to get out.

The authorities did a quick tour of inspection around the Walking Street bars the other Wednesday to check that there were no employees under 18 working there. The only one they found was a monkey holding a tin cup, who was subsequently charged with being underage and demanding money with menaces.”

 

Tourists have been complaining that these souvenir bottles of Pattaya seawater are fakes as the water isn’t the right colour…

 

 

It was reported the other week that a Thai man had been arrested for preparing a monkey for dinner. So what did he do? Dress it in a tuxedo and make it wash its hands?

 

There was a big fire yesterday on Soi 16 (Soi Stinking Pig) after a transformer exploded and set fire to Titanic Bar. Latest reports say it went down with all hands. Wonder if the band kept playing?

 

Finally, Thai men have reportedly been moaning about how hard it is to find themselves a girl in Bangkok. Are they taking the piss or what? It seems that they reckon Thai women have impossibly high standards. Well, you only have to look at some of the couples wandering around Pattaya to see just how right they are.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[yorta2]

Good on you, monkeyman, you've done it again!

[KOJO]

WELL DONE, as usual !

[teelack]

Thanks. Always a good read and strangely it all makes sense in a town not known for it.

 

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[Patna]