Monkeywatch - May 2018

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to the post Songkran period where everybody is drying out, a rare sight indeed.

Well, Songkran came and went without much drama, just the usual few hundred people killed, mainly in road accidents. People who think this is quite a lot really don’t understand the psyche of the average Thai road user. In most places, if another car overtakes you, the driver just wants to go a bit faster than you, so okay. To a Thai bloke, you’re not just overtaking him, you’re laughing at his dick, and that makes men angry. Well, apart from Japanese men in Pattaya, but one supposes they’ve just got used to it over time.

 

To add more colour to the festivities, tourism and culture chiefs urged everyone in Thailand during Songkran to wear retro-Thai costumes. So what exactly would that be then – Singha vests?

Some Thai women have been speaking out following the government’s advice that they should dress more modestly during Songkran to avoid getting raped. The women said that it was none of the government’s business and that it was the right of every woman to get raped in any clothes she chose. Another hard-fought victory for feminism.

 

Could this be one of those underground casinos we keep hearing about?...

 

 

The Pattaya Beach restoration project has been halted yet again after it was discovered that, for the third time, the consignment of sand that was brought in didn’t match that of the current beach. It’s now been sent away to be blended with faeces, plastic bottles, cigarette butts, tin cans, fast food containers, used condoms and miscellaneous bodily fluids in an attempt to make a perfect match. That should do it.

 

A media group were treated to a tour of Bali Hai Pier dock a couple of weeks back by the Governor of Chonburi, who proudly pronounced that the area was completely safe for tourists. A couple of hours later, a mass brawl took place at that very location and went viral on Facebook after footage of the altercation was posted by an onlooker. Some say this sort of thing damages the image of Pattaya. Others say it leaves it exactly where it is.

 

The plummeting season is well under way, with people flying off balconies left, right and centre. Local police say they’re fed up of having to investigate these incidents as it’s not easy to interview a pool of goo.

 

This man was arrested after trying to hire a small paddle boat. Police suspect he may be a pedalophile…

 

 

A look at the latest bar news now, and it’s all getting a bit multinational. Anyway, we’ll start with Eden Club, which we reported as closing last month and then reopening. Well, it’s closed again – and reopened again. Yes A Go Go has closed and will reopen after a refurb. Annabelle’s has closed but is rumoured to be reopening under Chinese owners. Wonder who their target audience will be? Bypass A Go Go closed and then reopened as New Bypass A Go Go (they obviously worked really hard on that name) now featuring “many beautiful Czech women”, a description that isn’t entirely true as the dancers aren’t beautiful and aren’t Czech. The bars in Mohammed Alley (Soi 16) have already been largely rebuilt following the fire that sank Titanic Bar and several surrounding cesspits, though the general consensus was that things should have been left alone as the conflagration had improved the area no end. It seems appropriate at this point to mention that there’s a new place called Rajah Club opened on Walking Street. They’re currently advertising for attractive coyote dancers. Don’t fancy their chances. And the good old FLB Bar premises have reopened as an Indian nightclub called Maya. Probably deep in the Maya before long.

 

And now some chicken news. Chicken World has closed down, though we’re not sure whether it was a restaurant or a theme park. Never mind though, we now have a new place called the Pig and Chick, which is presumably aimed at mongers and their Thai companions. We expect to see the Stinking Pig and Chick opening on Mohammed Alley before too long.

 

Back to the good old days with a trio of tales from Monkeywatch of May 2008…

 

“The annual crocodile egg eating competition took place on May 1 at Pattaya Crocodile Farm, in which prizes are awarded to the contestants who can eat 10 crocodile eggs in the quickest time. The prizes of 10,000 and 5,000 baht were both won by Thai tourists, though their victory was short lived as one of the crocodiles managed to escape and proceeded to devour both winning contestants. The organisers apologised for this small mishap and awarded first prize to the crocodile as it was judged to have eaten the 20 eggs contained within the hapless participants.

There was a meeting of police officers at City Hall a couple of weeks ago to discuss the continuing problem with crime in Pattaya. Those attending were told to ensure that crimes involving foreign tourists were resolved quickly as it was the job of the police to create a good image for the city. They were then told to ensure that all bars stayed closed for the following two weekends. Bit of a dilemma, eh chaps?

 

The other night, a naked Korean bloke was caught wandering around the streets of Pattaya. He was reported to have a bottle of sun tan lotion and a chrome whistle tied to his dick. On being arrested, he allegedly told police that he’d been to a fancy dress party as Dongtan Police Station.”

 

The sign has been changed after it attracted several enquiries from cannibals…

 

 

A couple of Italian tourists had a bit of a surprise the other week when the driver of the baht bus they were travelling in got into a gunfight with a truck driver after he tried to overtake them in an aggressive manner. Despite the Italians surrendering after the first shot was fired, the battle continued and the lucky baht bus driver only managed to escape being shot in the leg because his penis got in the way. Police are examining CCTV footage of the incident and are hoping to edit it into a spaghetti western.

 

Police have arrested yet another Thai cop impersonator after he deprived some stinking pig of his worthless chattels. Apparently, he just walked up to the bloke and demanded to see his passport. When the document wasn’t forthcoming, he emptied his victim’s pockets and pissed off into the sunset with his ill-gotten gains. Reckon Thailand must be the only country in the world to have more police impersonators then Elvis impersonators.

 

Finally, the owner of a beer bar on 2nd Road has sent CCTV footage to local media in an attempt to identify a bloke who walked into his bar while it was closed and took a shit in the middle of the floor. Must have been the local entertainment critic.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Great reading as usual. Thanks for your efforts.

[awesum4]

Very good read Monkeyman. Well done once again

[Nightrider]

Nice one mr monkey.....

[michaelday]

Excellent stuff, as usual.