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BigusDicus

Bar Humor

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The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours.


He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil.


When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”


The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.

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16 hours ago, midlifecrisis said:

I hate it when grandma goes out.

Try using more petrol ....

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Golf:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?


George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
 

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#1130 reminds me of the old news headline back in the 1970s: The East German pole-vault champion is now the West German pole-vault champion. 

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A big law firm has been catching a lot of flak for not having enough women in their firm, so they decide to hire three women and make one of them partner. So the heads of the firm go out and find three female candidates. However, they needed a way to decide which one of them to make full partner. r>
So the lawyers get together and devise a test: they would overpay each woman by 5000 dollars on their next paycheck.

The first woman takes the check and says nothing.

The second woman takes the check, hands it back to the cashier and refuses to accept it.

The third woman takes the check and leaves, but then comes back with a check for 7500 dollars, saying she had a great stock tip, it paid off, so she was splitting the difference with the firm.

So which woman made partner?









The one with the biggest tits.

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6 months old black Lab FREE to loving home. Friendly little thing but barks day and night 24/7.

If interested let me know and I'll jump over my neighbors' fence and get it for you.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

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