Monkeywatch - May 2020

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and welcome to this month’s disease-ridden gander at what’s happening round town – or rather what isn’t.  

Pattaya’s finally taking its first faltering steps out of lockdown and as places start to open up, new regulations are having to be observed. Customers in restaurants, for instance, have been told they must wear masks except when they’re eating. Well what else would they be doing in a restaurant?

Talking of masks, all the Pattaya currency exchange places now have signs up saying “NO MASK NO ENTRY”. How times change. Just a few months ago, trying to withdraw money whilst wearing a mask would’ve got you banged up in the monkey house for 20 years or so.

The end to this nightmare is hopefully on the way with the news that bars and clubs in Pattaya may be allowed to reopen next month. It’s been suggested that the best way to encourage social distancing would be to ban all tourists from taking showers for the duration of their stay. This approach does of course have the added benefit of causing little or no lifestyle adjustment for the new breed of quality tourist.

For the duration of the lockdown, all baht bus passengers have to be caged in and wrapped in bin liners…

A Thai actor who recovered from Kung Flu has donated his blood to help other patients to recover. He said he didn’t mind giving the blood but it would’ve been nice if they’d asked him first.

If anyone is hoping to be able to fly out from the UK to Thailand any time soon, be warned that some of their airports have introduced a rule that passengers have to wear a mask and gloves before they can enter the terminal. Unfortunately, it was introduced at such short notice that the only person complying with the rules on the first day was a bloke dressed as Batman, but they threw him out anyway when customs found some soup in his luggage.

Pattaya police have come up with a novel new way to punish curfew breakers. Instead of paying a fine, they can opt to be filmed singing the Thai national anthem by way of apology. Up to now, only one person hasn’t taken up this option as he claimed not to know the words to the song. Probably telling the truth, as he was a Pakistani.

Even the foliage is social-distancing now…

Needless to say, not a lot of bar news. The Siren beer bar complex is being ‘remodelled’, whatever that means. There’s also been rumblings that a number of Walking Street Go Go’s won’t be reopening when this fiasco finally comes to an end. As the old saying goes, when the light at the end of the tunnel is on the front of a train coming the other way, maybe it’s time to change tracks.

Thailand’s airports are starting to reopen, but the authorities have made it clear they will be adopting a strict “no stinking pigs” policy with regard to foreigners entering the country. When asked which nationalities they considered to be stinking pigs, an official replied “All of them”.

Drift back to happier times now with a brace of bits from Monkeywatch in May 2010…

“We start off this month with a bit of sad news, namely the demise of one of the best-known local Elvis impersonators who was found dead at his home in South Pattaya the other Wednesday. Now that’s taking the impersonation just a little bit too far.

The so-called Pattaya Child and Woman Protection Unit were involved in the arrest of some chappies a couple of weeks ago after a group of women allegedly said the fellows had forced them into prostitution or something.  If true, this is something of a departure for the Unit, as their idea of protecting women normally involves sticking them in jail.”

No guys, that’s not what we meant by French letters…

The current pandemic hasn’t stopped the popular local pastime of balcony diving. The latest was a Chinese chap who plummeted from the ninth floor of a condo block but amazingly survived after crashing through a structure on the fifth floor on his way down that helped break his fall. When asked if the man was likely to survive, a medic said “Not if the bloke who lives on the fifth floor gets his hands on him.”

It’s being reported that a number of the newer bars are going to be aiming for the Indian market when they reopen. Have they thought this through? I mean, how do you socially distance 10 people round one drink?

Well it looks like Hollywood won’t be making “Wuhan Flu Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” so we’ve come up with another idea for a film about the origins of the outbreak in Italy. It’s called “Captain Corelli’s Pangolin”.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Bushcraft 2,579]

Nice one considering the dearth of pickings in ex-funtown right now.

One news item that made me laugh was the would-be gold shop robber who was foiled by being refused entry (by door buzzer) to the shop by an alert saleswoman - for not wearing a mask. 

[monkeyman 1,604]

1 hour ago, Bushcraft said:

Nice one considering the dearth of pickings in ex-funtown right now.

One news item that made me laugh was the would-be gold shop robber who was foiled by being refused entry (by door buzzer) to the shop by an alert saleswoman - for not wearing a mask. 

Shit, I missed that one. That's much better than the currency exchange story I used. 

Thanks for the heads up. I might use it next month. 

[teelack 9,638]

Yet again well done for making something out of almost nothing. Perhaps a new career as a chef beckons?

There is one sub culture that I believe should get your investigative juices flowing. As I understand it there are a hell of a lot of falang bar managers and owners assiting each other to look after the girls and get totally pissed on a nightly basis. Its a way of keeping their bar aired and to stop the draught ale getting stale. its what you know is who...

 

[monkeyman 1,604]

17 hours ago, teelack said:

Yet again well done for making something out of almost nothing. Perhaps a new career as a chef beckons?

There is one sub culture that I believe should get your investigative juices flowing. As I understand it there are a hell of a lot of falang bar managers and owners assiting each other to look after the girls and get totally pissed on a nightly basis. Its a way of keeping their bar aired and to stop the draught ale getting stale. its what you know is who...

 

And all for benefit of their customers I'm sure. How many of us would be prepared to make such a sacrifice?