Monkeywatch - October 2020

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for dropping in, and welcome to this month’s look at the latest non-events in Tumbleweed City. 

Well, it looked like Thailand was about to take its first cautious steps in allowing ‘tourists’ back in, though to gain admission you’d have had to be Japanese or Chinese and be prepared to undergo a 31 step administrative equivalent of a special forces assault course followed by two weeks solitary confinement. One wondered why they were giving preferential treatment to the odious little yellow bastards who caused this catastrophe in the first place, and we all hoped it was a trap.

And yes, it was a trap alright. They suckered 300 Chinese tourists into paying upfront for 14 days at a quarantine hotel plus 90 days further accommodation and exorbitant visa fees then, just hours before the first arrivals were due, scrapped the whole thing and refused to refund any of their money due to an escape clause buried in the small print. Let’s hope the Covid-ridden little shitweasels get the message and stay away for good.  

Meanwhile, businesses in Pattaya are trying various cunning ploys to entice people into their premises. One well-known Indian restaurant is offering a free bottle of wine with every meal, though customers have commented that the contents of the bottle bear more than a passing resemblance to the water off Bali Hai Pier. One suspects that this isn’t entirely coincidental.

This must be what they mean by a Covid bubble...

Local government has been approached to reimburse a Rayong fisherman for the loss of his boat after it was allegedly sunk by a water spout while he was plying his trade. He’s claiming over 90,000 baht for the recovery and repair of his boat, though the recently recovered vessel looks like it wouldn’t have withstood a sustained attack from a water pistol, let alone a water spout. Those in the know have suggested he’s unlikely to come out of this with more than 500 baht and a kick up the arse (and he probably won’t get the 500 baht.)

In another first for Pattaya, a plastic recycling plant has come up with a novel new way of recycling material by converting it into heat. Or to put it another way, the whole place burned to the ground. Well it’s a sort of recycling, innit?

 A mentally ill Thai man had to be rescued recently after climbing a telephone tower in Pattaya and refusing to come down. Hang on, this exact same thing happened a few months back with another Thai bloke who had mental health issues. So why do Thai nutters all make a beeline for phone towers then? Could the 5G conspiracy theorists be right after all?  

Wind back to pre-Covid days now with a trio of yarns from Monkeywatch in October 2010…

“City Hall has been having a bit of a hissy fit about the large quantities of litter being strewn around the locality by tourists and business operators. They reckon it’s ruining the image of Pattaya’s beaches. That’s a little bit like ruining the image of a turd by dropping a cigarette butt onto it. The Health and Safety people have also been having a go, and last week called a meeting with Pattaya’s street food vendors following complaints from customers about hygiene standards. They cited a particular example of a Thai customer who was incensed after finding a grasshopper in his bag of cockroaches.

A Pattaya pharmacist was arrested a couple of weeks ago after it was discovered that he was selling fake Viagra tablets to unsuspecting holidaymakers. He now faces a sentence of five years soft labour.

People are still asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the boys in brown already know, so here’s a little reminder. It’s quite simple. You see, it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know.  So now you know.”

To help pay for the pandemic, City Hall is selling off Pattaya Beach at 1000 baht per scoop. Don’t all rush at once…

Bar news now, and it wasn’t a good start to the month with the closure of Pattaya Beer Garden, Glass House, Bliss and Far East Rock 2, but it’s not all doom and gloom. Baccara, Sensations, Lighthouse, Shark and Party Girlz have all reopened and Heaven Above looks set to open in its new location on Soi Boomerang (good street name for a bar trying to make a comeback.)  

There’s one thing about all this kung flu nonsense that might work to our advantage. When a vaccine does become available, a lot of us old buzzards should be at the front of the queue for an armful and could be back in action while the young whippersnappers are still queuing at the starting gate for their fix. Just think, we could all be the girls’ hansum young men again, at least for a while. That’s what it’s all about – getting a few in before the lights go out.

A golf course cashier has been arrested after being caught using the stolen credit card of a Japanese customer. The thief was apprehended after making the mistake of using the card to buy regular sized condoms, a dead giveaway as these are of course several sizes bigger than those manufactured for the Japanese market. As the Japanese say, give them quarter of an inch and they’ll take a mile.

Looks like Beach Road’s preparing for a visit from the mayor…

Two local Pattaya women were pulled out of a pickup truck after it was found under a large tree following a heavy rainstorm. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterwards and proceeded to arrest the women for trying to steal the tree. When it was pointed out that the truck had been moving at the time of the incident, a police spokesman replied “These drive-by thefts are becoming more and more common. We’ve already had three handbags stolen this way since the beginning of the week.”

In another tree story, a motorcyclist was killed the other day after hitting one at high speed on Jomtien Second Road. Witness statements say that the man wasn’t wearing a helmet, though this is subject to confirmation as the police haven’t found his head yet.

And we can’t finish without mentioning that, as of five days ago, there are a grand total of 39 foreign tourists in Thailand. And they’re all Chinese. Happy days are here again.

be seeing you

monkeyman

Edited October 25, 2020 by monkeyman

[teelack]

As usual a great start to my day. Thanks for explaining in few words about the Thai tourist venture. It was more to the point than the Cokitup Post.

Sent from my CPH1941 using Tapatalk

[rhodie]

Another good laugh. Cheers! ?

[Jay097]

Thanks for the info & the well needed laugh !