Monkeywatch - April 2021

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for taking the time to visit, and welcome to more dismal tales of Kung Flu City.

Well, there’s been one or two minor changes in Pattaya this month. Like all the bars and clubs were shut down on April 9 by order of the local governor, who was allegedly described by one pundit as a “fucksplat” (what the hell does that mean?) Unsurprisingly, this has led to most of the hotels closing down as well. Happy days aren’t here again.

According to the latest figures, Pattaya tourist numbers in January this year are down by 1% compared to the same time last year, so that isn’t too bad. Oh no, hang on, they aren’t down by 1%, they’re down to 1%. Now that is bad. Very bad. About as bad as being shot through the dick by a poisoned arrow with a deportation notice tied to it. So that would be very bad indeed then. However, looking on the bright side… well, we’ll get back to you later on that one.   

For the cunning linguists among you, Pattaya is now offering free Chinese lessons for anyone who’s interested. First indications are that there’s little enthusiasm for this amongst farangs, as most of them only have two words to say to Chinese tourists and they’re usually delivered in English.

To help maintain hygiene standards, tourists visiting Pattaya are now required to build their own hotel rooms…

A Pattaya bargirl has been arrested for engaging in “online prostitution”. Doesn’t really sound like a good idea to be honest. There’s a lot of things that can be done successfully online, but prostitution is definitely something that works better if both parties are in the same location.

A local community group has raised 25,000 baht for a comatose Pattaya man in an attempt to revive him. When asked how they plan to accomplish the revival, a representative said “We’ll be using a traditional Thai method. We’re going to wave the money under his nose.”

The estimate for this year’s tourist revenue is to be revised by TAT following the latest Covid-19 outbreak. In a statement, a TAT representative said that the original figure of 1.21 trillion baht may need a minor adjustment in view of the current situation. When asked what information he was able to give about the revised figure he replied “Bugger all”, though it remains unclear whether he was refusing to comment or actually providing us with the new estimate.

Concerns grow as a new Covid-19 variant is discovered in Pattaya…

Bar news now, and it’s been quite a busy month by recent standards. Both Beavers and Club Electric Blue have closed, though it’s not a total loss as the staff from both bars have relocated to the upstairs part of sister bar Dollhouse. There’s a new Go Go on LK called Catch Me (replacing Touch), and Pulse has also reopened. Then they all closed again. Ho hum.      

Thai Massaman Curry has once again been voted the best dish in the world by CNN Travel. Of course, this obviously depends on where you buy it. Some of the ones sold in Pattaya are more likely to be Mamasan Curry if some of the strange things you find in the bottom of the bowl are anything to go by.

Let’s revisit days of yore with two creaky old tales from Monkeywatch in April 2011…

“It’s been announced that 700 baht buses in Pattaya are to be fitted with “green” brakes in yet another effort to save the planet from doom and destruction. The biggest obstacle to overcome appears to be that the baht bus drivers just don’t seem able to grasp the concept. Green they can understand, but brakes?

Younger readers might be interested to know that the new Nintendo 3DS hand held game console is now available in Pattaya, though concerns have been expressed in some quarters that it may potentially cause damage to the eyesight. Older readers will no doubt hark back to the days when they were young and there was only one hand held game for them to play – and that wasn’t too good for the eyesight either.”

As a further social distancing measure, all visitors to Pattaya will be required to spend their entire stay inside one of these…

Some street freelancers in East Pattaya who were fed up with being harassed by the boys in brown have come up with a novel new business model. They’re selling condoms for 1200 baht each, including a free practical lesson on how to use them. This is causing considerable consternation for the local police, as their traditional entrapment method of using marked banknotes now only proves that they bought an overpriced condom from a street vendor. Way to go, ladies.

Some Pattaya bargirls who haven’t been able to return home since the new restrictions were introduced have resorted to living in tents inside their bars. One Thai bar owner promised that anyone who barfined a girl would be guaranteed “an in-tents experience” (if you think that’s bad, try watching one of their comedy shows.) There’s been reports of particularly high levels of camping in the bars on Soi Pattayaland 2, so no change there then.

Finally, as if things weren’t bad enough already, Thailand is to introduce even tougher Covid-19 measures to curb the latest outbreak. So now you’ll have to be Covid tested just to travel between provinces, and obtain a confirmatory certificate and pay for the test yourself. And if you’re caught not wearing a face mask you’ll be whisked off to Guantanamo Bay before your flip-flops touch the floor. Welcome to the Land of Smiles.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[biggles]

These tough travel restrictions have been imposed in the Philippines for many months and not very efficiently.     I used to look with envy at how well you were doing, hope it isnt long before all back to normal