Monkeywatch - April 2023

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for coming back for more, and welcome to some more tales about the pitfalls of life in the land of sniggers.

Shortly before the beginning of Songkran, the boys in brown started carrying out so-called nightclub inspections “to make tourists feel safe and secure.” Not sure that the best way to achieve this is to have police jackbooting their way around nightclubs harassing patrons. One bar owner said he’d had his back doors smashed in, though it later transpired that this related to a visit he’d made to Katoeys ‘R’ Us.

Alcohol limits were introduced by some local authorities this year for the duration of the Songkran festivities. This isn’t a new idea of course. It’s said that motorsport fans in Australia were subjected to similar restrictions during the annual Bathurst endurance race, where attendees were told they couldn’t bring more than 28 cans of beer per person to the event. Surprised anybody bothered to turn up.

Here’s a story that’s doing the rounds. It relates to an ageing lothario in Pattaya who parted with large amounts of cash to lure a nubile young hotty from her go go bar to his hotel room. Things were just hotting up under the duvet when he felt it coming – the mother of all farts, the one that can’t be stopped and the one that threatened to destroy the ambience of his whole meticulously planned evening. He made a split-second decision to feign a coughing fit to disguise the emanating sound and then started flailing around with the duvet in an attempt to disperse the inevitable ensuing odour. This naturally piqued the curiosity of the young lady who enquired as to what the hell he was doing. In a moment of panic, he told her he thought there was a snake in the bed, at which point she leapt to her feet and started stomping all over the bed and surrounding area to kill the mythical snake. There wasn’t one of course, but she did manage to stomp on his false teeth, his spectacles and his testicles before running naked and screaming from the room, knocking over and smashing his large screen television as she did so. The noise alerted hotel security, the police were called and the man was taken to the police station where he was charged with attempted rape and criminal damage and subsequently recommended for deportation. Better not to fart in bed, probably. Or believe daft April Fools stories.

An underground Indian restaurant in Pattaya? This must surely be unique…

 

Oh no, hang on…

 

Brits have been warned to double check their travel insurance before coming to Thailand as their cover might not be all they expect it to be. For instance, five Brits involved in traffic accidents were refused cover because they weren’t wearing crash helmets – even though they were all pedestrians. They refused another bloke because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt in the back of a vehicle that crashed, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was a baht bus.

Due to health concerns, the Department of Health has recommended that people in Thailand should only eat cooked foods. Probably won’t work too well with ice cream.

It’s been suggested that the mooted decriminalisation of sex toys in Thailand is causing some friction between politicians. Perhaps they should try using some lube next time.

Police were called to a punch-up between two rival gangs in a Third Road pub the other week. There were a few punches and flying bottles, though photos suggest that not a lot of damage was done. Nothing like the mass brawl that took place in a Beach Road bar many years ago when the place was completely trashed. Every piece of furniture was destroyed, every glass was broken. It was like something from the Wild West. It took staff days to clean up the broken glass, twisted metal, blood and snot.

Somehow, the bar’s name didn’t seem very fitting after that…

 

Bar news now, and the new Las Vegas A Go Go is finally up and running in LK Metro. Just as well really, as there’s bugger all else to report.

One of the delights of visiting Pattaya is the myriad of live music that’s available in bars all over the city. The quality tends to be pretty good, though a bar in Second Road proved a few weeks ago that this isn’t always the case. A band with a female singer started their set, and it was soon obvious to everybody present that she was pissed as a rat. She managed to get through the first few numbers before falling off the stage into an undignified heap. Undeterred, she struggled to her feet, remounted the stage, and soldiered on for about 20 minutes before being hit on the head and knocked unconscious by a stray pool ball from a table next to the stage. She was taken to hospital where she was examined and told it was unlikely that she’d ever sing again, though we understand this news was delivered by the bar’s manager rather than a doctor. Still, it was probably for the best. Think we’ll stick to Hot Tuna in future.

Yesteryear revisited now with a sneaky peek at a couple of unlikely tales from Monkeywatch in April 2013…

“Police arrested a Thai bloke in the wee hours of the other Tuesday morning after he turned his car over on the central reservation of Sukhumvit Road. He told police he’d swerved after mistaking the shadow of a tree on the road for a pedestrian. Perhaps not the best defence to use if you’re trying to convince the police that you aren’t pissed out of your mind. It wasn’t and he didn’t because he was.

There was a bit of a conflagration on Soi 16 last Thursday after a block of beer bars burned to the ground following an electrical fire. Though it was initially claimed that there were no casualties, it’s been reported that several of the nearby street vendors have added Crispy Arab to their menus.”

Don’t think too many Brits will be staying here (it’s slang for shithouse)…

 

A couple of enterprising Thai chaps decided to bag themselves a few coconuts on Beach Road the other day by having one of them shin up a tree with a machete to dislodge said items while the other one waited on the ground to catch them in a piece of outstretched plastic bag he was holding between his hands. The first coconut duly plummeted earthwards and smashed on the ground several feet from man and bag, closely followed by a second that was saved from destruction after it ricocheted off the man’s head and into the arms of a startled passer-by. So it all turned out well in the end. Apart from the bloke on the ground, who’s still in hospital with a fractured skull. Well, as the old Thai saying goes, you can’t make a coconut omelette without breaking heads.

A Thai man was injured on Walking Street during Songkran by a Turk who took exception to having a bucket of water chucked over him. Good job he didn’t throw a bar of soap at him too - that would’ve got him really riled.

Finally, an Indian bloke tuned up at Pattaya police station last week claiming to have been kidnapped, assaulted and defrauded. The police told him to bugger off. Perhaps he should’ve mentioned the theft of his 50,000 baht gold bracelet.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

As ever a good read and appreciated

Sent from my Nokia 6.1 using Tapatalk

[forcebwithu]

@monkeyman, do you take reader submissions? If yes, please feel free to use any pics I post. No attribution required. Just happy to help you out with material for your monthly Monkeywatch.

[monkeyman]

On 4/28/2023 at 8:58 AM, forcebwithu said:

@monkeyman, do you take reader submissions? If yes, please feel free to use any pics I post. No attribution required. Just happy to help you out with material for your monthly Monkeywatch.

I do indeed and thank you for your offer, which is much appreciated. 

New sources of pics are always most welcome.