Monkeywatch - April 2024

[monkeyman]

Greeting Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for your continued patronage, and welcome to our April fools edition, where the truth may be stretched a little further than normal in one or two places. Or a lot further, as the case may be.

Well, Songkran all went fairly smoothly apart from one little incident when a visiting Vietnamese businessman complained to the police that a crowd of revellers just across the road had got his dong all wet. Actually, if he keeps his money in his trousers he might have been making two complaints.  

The government are demanding that action be taken against taxi drivers who harass tourists and charge extortionate fares. They are being supported by a group called Clean Up National Taxis (we do like an acronym) but are being opposed by the drivers themselves who say it’s an attack on Thai culture.

Thai news channels have been told by the national watchdog to be more careful in the way they report stories with potentially offensive content. One channel that was criticised for a particular story pointed out that they’d put a trigger warning at the beginning of the offending piece, but were told that “This report features a man having his bollocks shot off” lacked a certain sensitivity.

There was a nasty outbreak of stinking pig in Central Pattaya the other week. It seems that everyone unfortunate enough to catch this nasty disease turns a variety of gaudy colours for a few hours then makes a sudden recovery. Happy Holi-days?

A group of Indian chaps trying to find a brothel were directed here by a helpful passer-by…

 

A bit of a barney kicked off recently between an apartment block owner and a group of bar owners over noise levels in the early hours of the morning. The apartment owner said she was having to give refunds to some of the residents because of the noise from the bars. Unfortunately, the rest of the residents are now demanding refunds because of the noise from the rows between the protagonists involved in the argument. Think it’s got something to do with karma.

Heard the one about the feller who took his girlfriend of two hours back to his hotel, only to find there’d been a power outage. “No power” he said to her, to which she replied “I know. You barfine my friend before and she tell me.”

The large numbers of Indian tourists now coming into Thailand has led to a novel new concept – curry flavoured condoms. The trialling of these unfortunately had to be halted after an Indian fellow accidentally put on a vindaloo flavoured condom inside out and ended up having his dick incinerated. Well it was probably for the best.

From the look of the air quality here, perhaps the patrons should try a bit more sip and a bit less puff (also good advice if you visit Katoeys ‘R’ Us)…

 

Bar news now and yes, it’s finally happened, the Las Vegas Bar Complex on Soi Diana has opened its doors to the paying public. Get in quick, it probably won’t be around for very long.

There was an incident in a restaurant bar the other night when the resident Italian tenor collapsed on the floor clutching his throat and turning purple halfway through a piece of light opera. The word is that somebody dropped a chilli into his mouth from the balcony in a revenge attack after he’d refused to sing ‘Baggy Trousers’ the previous evening. Funny, you’d have thought that an opera singer would’ve been able to take a song like that in his stride.

All our yesterdays now with a trip back to a trilogy of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2014…

“The new jumping season is already well underway with a bloke from Finland taking the plunge from an 18 storey block in Jomtien. It’s being described as a ‘presumed suicide’, which seems a little strange as he’d only just started his visit. Guess it ain’t where you start, it’s where you Finnish.

If you fancy a change from Pattaya, a British tour company is offering three day breaks to Auschwitz for a very reasonable £159. Wonder what they sell in the souvenir shop? Can’t think that “We’ve been to Auschwitz” car stickers would be much of a goer. One bit of advice – if they offer you a room with bath or shower, go for the bath. Or better still, go to Colditz instead.

Remember all those CCTV cameras that were installed around Pattaya to make it safer for tourists? Well, it seems that only 14 per cent of them are actually working. Fortunately, local convenience stores have shitloads of them, so make a dash for the nearest Family Mart or 7-Eleven next time you’re about to get your head kicked in. You know it makes sense.”

Didn’t take the thieves long to get to work on the new outdoor showers on Beach Road…

 

A row broke out on the beach a couple of weeks ago when a geezer demanded a refund from a deckchair vendor because leaves from the coconut trees kept landing on his head. The vendor told him he shouldn’t be so touchy as another bloke had a coconut land on his head and he didn’t say a word.

Newbies to Pattaya who think they’ve found the girl of their dreams are being advised that if they catch her texting in the middle of a shag then it could possibly indicate that there may not be a sufficiently strong basis for a long-term relationship.

Finally, it’s been reported that 20 Chinese tourists have survived a bus crash near Pattaya. So what happened to the other 200 then?

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Bushcraft]

I'm afraid I take exception to the Auschwitz tour item, as my German uncle (my mother's brother) sadly died in a concentration camp in 1943.

He got drunk one day and fell off his watchtower.