Monkeywatch - October 2024

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to yet another month, and welcome to another fertile crop of futile crap. Let’s dig in.

A Thai family were injured after a pickup truck landed on top of their vehicle after falling from a bridge that was still under construction. A spokesman for the building company responsible said “With the benefit of hindsight, it might have been prudent to finish building the bridge before reopening the road.” Experts, you gotta love ‘em.

Following the arrest of an Indian tourist for groping a woman on Beach Road, police have decided to charge him with the new offence of “antisocial behaviour predicated on alien cultural values.” Or as we like to call it, “stinking piggery.”

It seems that yet another Walking Street go go bar has introduced a new rule requiring customers to buy at least one drink every 30 minutes or risk getting slung out onto the street. One suspects that a clue as to the thinking behind this rule may be contained somewhere in the previous story.

City Hall has decided not to use this sign again following an enquiry into the incident where a drunk reported seeing a giant squid and the beach was closed for a week…

 

A thief apprehended while buying a watch with counterfeit 1,000 baht notes claimed he was justified in his actions as the watch he was buying was also counterfeit. Police disagreed and fined him 10,000 baht. They later rearrested him after examining the notes he used to pay the fine.

The Thai government has resolved to compensate over 3600 households following the recent flooding. A spokesman said that the authorities were to be applauded for their swift action in dealing with this situation and that the distribution of the 3600 buckets was already well under way.

A Thai woman has been arrested after stealing a new car from a shopping mall and ramming it through the barriers. Her plea of “the voices made me do it” was accepted but as the only other occupant of the vehicle was a black cat, the pair of them have been convicted of witchcraft and are due to be burned at the stake next Tuesday afternoon. Tickets are now on sale.

So why exactly does a hotel need periscopes? Are they expecting a high tide?

 

Bar news time, and there’s a new go go called Penguin coming soon to Soi Pothole. Triangle has become the latest bar to convert from open to enclosed, so that’s one more place where we’ll now have to get off our bar stools to take a piss in the street.

A Thai man arrested for stealing and sniffing a woman’s underwear told police he had a perfectly good explanation for his behaviour. When asked what it was, he replied “I’m a pervert.”

Back to the back of beyond now as we recount a couple of rather long tales from Monkeywatch in October 2014…

“Last month we reported that a new complaints centre had opened in Pattaya where people could go to report things such as lewd shows. Well, a group of Chinese tourists obviously didn’t fully grasp the concept because they put in a complaint that they didn’t get the lewd show they’d paid for. Apparently, they gave a Thai bloke 2000 baht to take them to a sex show but when they got there the place was closed and he refused to give back the money. When police apprehended the man, he admitted taking the money but said that as the police had closed the bar earlier in the evening, they should be responsible for refunding the 2000 baht to the group of disgruntled Yellow Peril. He later decided to reconsider his position after having an in-depth discussion behind the police station with a couple of truncheons and several size 14 boots. The Chinese tourists were sent on their way after being told by police that they were “cretinous slant-eyed lemmings”.

A British National was arrested by police the other Thursday after falsely claiming to have been mugged outside a karaoke bar North Pattaya and robbed of 20,000 baht, a mobile phone and a camera. The man, a Mr Getupan Singh, aroused the suspicions of officers when he kept changing his story while making his statement at the police station. His room was then searched and the allegedly stolen items found, at which point Mr Singh admitted he’d made the whole thing up to make a fraudulent claim on his travel insurance. Police also refused to believe he was a British National, saying he was clearly an ignorant, stinking Indian pig and did not in any way fit the criteria laid down in the Official Pattaya Police Guide to Foreign Tourists, which describes British tourists as “mindless, shaven-headed, tattooed, knuckle-scraping, drunken, sub-human scum”. Christ, that makes the description of the Chinese tourists seem almost complimentary.”    

Local authorities are preparing to dish out harsher penalties to anyone caught playing bridge without a permit…

 

It’s been reported that Chinese tour groups are on the decline in Pattaya but there’s been a rise in “independent Chinese tourists.” This does indeed seem to be the case as several groups with as few as 50 members have been spotted wandering around the city recently.

Tourists had to be rescued from a smoke-filled bar on Soi 13/1after the premises caught fire and exploded following a suspected short circuit. As a result of this incident, the bar owner has now been arrested for breaching the smoking ban.

A man has been arrested after he was caught secretly filming a 16-year old girl taking a shower. His claim that he was filming a remake of ‘Psycho’ was not accepted and he was taken behind the police station for a spot of ‘truncheon re-education.’

Finally, people visiting a park in East Pattaya were very unhappy when they were engulfed by smoke from burning leaves. However, when they realised what kind of leaves were burning they strangely became very happy and the place has now been dubbed The Million Years Stoned Park.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[jacko]

[teelack]

You have surpassed yourself this month. Bravo!

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