Monkeywatch - September 2026

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to all of you out there, and welcome to the lowest of the low season in Pattaya. Keep smiling and carry on.

Well, the US Navy’s been to town with 5,000 sailors descending on Patts for a few days of drink and debauchery. Except they didn’t, according to the local tourist association. It seems they spent most of their time shopping, dining in restaurants and visiting cultural attractions. What is wrong with the younger generation? Bloody pooves.

The sailors have also been visiting tattoo shops and getting tattoos illustrating their stay in Pattaya. That would’ve produced some interesting pictures in days gone by.

A bloke who came to Thailand for penis enhancement surgery has died after his procedure went wrong. He’s been described in some quarters as a dickhead, which may give us a clue as to exactly what went wrong with his operation. Complete cock up by the sound of it.

Make sure you come up with a good illness before you go in…

A total of 17 people were injured when they were stung by a swarm of giant honey bees that descended on a market in Naklua. Not really news – people are used to being stung when they shop in Pattaya.

A pissed up Indian bloke who was acting aggressively towards tourists got his comeuppance when he had his lights punched out by a fried insect vendor. Must be one of this new wave of quality tourists that TAT are so eager to encourage.

Police were called after a report that three Indian men and a Thai woman had become trapped in a Pattaya hotel elevator for over an hour. Wonder what they did to pass the time?

A female taxi driver reportedly suffered nausea and dizziness after four Arab passengers sprayed something in her cab. No clue has been found as to the nature of the substance though we can safely assume that it wasn’t deodorant.

If you want a poo and a number one, it’s probably better to find somewhere that lets you do both in the same building…

Bar news now, and Showgirls on LK Metro has closed for a couple of months and will reopen as Kink 2. On Walking Street, Skyfall is to become Mirage 555 and Atmos has reopened as Aura Go Go Club. The old Secrets building seems to have been turned into a building site yet again. Oh, and that strange Indian place on Pattayaland 2 looks to have closed down – oh blimey.

A rare 2.5-million-baht coin has been sold at a Bangkok auction for 10 baht… well, something like that.

The owners of a local condominium complex recently invited some students and lecturers to Pattaya for what was described as “a hands-on learning experience.” Well, why not? That’s why everybody else comes to Pattaya.

A politician who gave a speech in which he pledged to serve Thailand was more than a little miffed when somebody asked him for a Big Mac and fries.

Sail away into the past now as we look back on some stories from Monkeywatch in September 2016…

“A taxi driver has been fined after a female passenger videoed him spanking his monkey while eyeing her up in his rear-view mirror. The man claimed that he was only scratching an itchy thigh but was unable to explain why his dick was clearly on display so he was fined 2000 baht. The judge added that the fine would have been much larger but for the fact that such an abysmally inadequate apology for a penis was unlikely to prove intimidating to any but the most nervous of women. So you see, size really does matter.

Following an investigation by the Department of Special Investigation Bureau of Special Crime 3 (another catchy little name), a local lawyer had his premises raided and was found to be in possession of a dozen chimpanzees and a quantity of washing powder. He was arrested and will appear in court next week to face a charge of monkey laundering.

The proposed launch date of the Pattaya to Hua Hin ferry has finally been announced. The proposed sinking date has been set for a few days later.”

Apparently, it says “Afghan Luxury Tours” on the other side…

Pattaya has had yet another prostitution crackdown “to protect the public.” Protect them from enjoying themselves, presumably. The fact that this happened just before the arrival of thousands of US military personnel was obviously a complete coincidence.

Highway police arrested a man after he was spotted near acting suspiciously near a roadside lighting pole. They charged him suspected theft, though as there was signs of digging around the pole and he was found with seven lengths of cut copper wire, a set of wire cutters and a shovel, one thinks it may have been a little more than just a suspicion.

Roofs have been erected over nine Pattaya footbridges to protect pedestrians from the sun. Pity they didn’t think about that when they butchered the trees on Beach Road.

Finally, a motorcyclist was injured outside City Hall after he stopped for a red light at a pedestrian crossing and was rear-ended by another biker who didn’t. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished.

be seeing you

monkeyman